What i have learned about myself about the past year, and the future | DanielMarshallVlogs

When I decided to take blogging serious, the idea was to make it a platform to help the local community, over time that expanded to my adventures in life.
At the moment though i feel its the only place i can be true to who i am, not being afraid of who knows,weather that be friends, the local community, even people i have networked with or may network with in the future.
Over the course of the last year, i have lived by the rule of if i can not be who i am then i am lost,
I would rather make loads of enemies and have a small selection of the best people in the world, then have people who i hardly talk to, or do not understand me.

So what i am about to talk about, is my life, its who i am, i take each day as it comes, and i hold no regrets on what i say because people can choose not to read my blogs, choose not to like me as a person, laugh etc, you can not please everyone, or even make every understand, all i try to do is have a place where i can get my thoughts out, and help people understand a little more about the person i am Behind a computer screen and in real life (:

Now for me, i often feel the need to blog, or feel inspired in some way, when i have watched a movie, tv show or even videos on Youtube.
I will often Relate to that thing, as i find if i reference something, its easier for my brain to get the information out i am trying to say or write.
I used to be with someone years a go, who used to have a right go at me for doing this, and ok i can understand that it may have been annoying but if that is sometimes how i get what i need to say out then i really dont see there being a issue around it (:

So for this section i will be referencing DR Foster,
with the show showed whats its like with complex emotions are in play around a child and how much that child trys to shove it back into his head and get on with life, deep inside feelings will always take over how you feel, weeks, month and years later, if something really bad happend in our lives, we often try to bury it so much that, one moment in life it all comes flushing back to the point its to much to cope.
I felt strong emotions towards the show because, although my parents did not cheat, i was in the middle of something i could not escape.
This was for 18 years, suffering with bad depression and aniexty, due to my dad being abusive to my mum.
If it was not the shouting, it was the beating, smashing the house, smashing plates, because oh no why my dad sat doing nothing, and mum was in the kitchen cooking a sunday roast, my dad would complain that the food was never hot enough, or it would be he didnt have enough meat, there was always somethng that was not right, and instead of sorting it out, he took it out by smashing things.
The times he didnt start on my mum, he would start on me, for not being able to tie my laces, saying, he should be able to f... tie them at his age.
My mum tried to teach me but again my dad would always have a go if i did not get it, so of course my self worth and confidence was next to nothing.
Only the last year, have i been able to really understand about my body and about myself, that i have poor hand coordination skills and sometimes i know what i am doing but then my body does not want to do the same, which i have talked about in other blog posts.

Many times i tried to run away, as i could not take living there anymore.
Many times i wanted to be around people, got into Relationships that i could not keep because i loved them but kept pushing them away as i did not want them to be a part of what was going on in my life.
By the time me and my mum managed to move away from my dad, it was to late as my mum was never abusive to me in a physical way, but mentally.
By then i started to get angry and shout back, as i had enough of being pushed from one post to another.
I never wanted to become my dad, i would hate myself if i ever did, but i had a lot of rage inside me because i was just so confused what was going on in my life.
The skills and the way of life to cope as adult was never there for me as most times if i could not do something i was shouted out, instead of understanding why i could not do said thing.

When i Finally got into my first serious relationship, i was very shut off for months, i had got used to shutting myself in my room, playing video games, i was not used to love and affection,
so the first few months we aruged a lot, and almost broke up because i could not cope opening up how i felt around her.

I was with her for nearly 5 years, but as we got more into being with each other, we both, not just one person but both, started getting angry at each other, which then made us both feel depressed at times,
for me i was the one more depressed and because i got used to shutting my side in my room when anything bad happend with my parents, it used to take me ages to calm down to compared to my ex.

Something i do not think she understood at the time, and i never really tried to be open and tell her,
its only been this last year that i have been able to look at my past and realize what went wrong.

We shouted a lot over such stupid things, as a result we ended up breaking up over so many different things, to this day i am still trying to figure everything out.

Although i do think about the past, i do not let it run my live, and my future, you can not and should not bury the past and never think about it no matter how painful it is.
ok do not think about it all the time, but its always good to think through the bad and the good times, that way you can see what went wrong, and not make those mistakes again, but also remember that you had good times, which will stay with you, and make you stronger going forward.

The last month i have been talking about the past a lot, to a private counselor i am seeing which has been good as i have been able to learn so much about myself.

When i was with my ex, she was everything to me, and i used to think that as long as she was happy i was, and that is not really how you should live your live, depending and foucusing your whole life on one person.
I am not saying do not care for the person you are with, but every single person needs to also have their own drive, confidence, self worth, goals, career etc.
You are strong Together as you are apart, if both of you are confident about your jobs your life and where you want life to take you, then that is what makes a good relationship.

When that was took away from me, due to mostly my own actions, I did not care about my life, i had no self worth, i took the cowards way out, and tried to hurt myself, i went into very bad depression.
I had no friends, i refused to be a part of my parents life, as my dad only cared about giving me money and not seeing me, and my mum, just never understood me, i had a few phones calls, and a meet, and you can just tell from the way she talked to me that she had not changed, and felt like she needed to be in control of my life.

So i shut myself off again, i became ill in the sense that, walking to the shop hurt, i was sick a lot due to not eating or overeating because of not eating properly, I would get a lot of pain, hardly any sleep,
I felt like i was going mad at times.

I struggled to cook proper meals for myself and still do a bit, again because its not that i dont know how to cook its my bloody body.

It took 7 months to snap me out of my madness, out of crying everyday, to find a little bit of self worth, through playing tennis and meeting people.
I quickly learned that i had all this strength, being poured from the regrets of life, and letting my self go, that i felt i needed to prove to the world this is not who i want to be anymore.
I had so much fun playing tennis that i felt so happy, it was not only the first thing i had other then sitting on my computer all day, but something that i was starting to get good at.

I have learned that, the worse place my demons take over it sitting in my room, however that is also the place i love the most, but wait you said tennis was???
Tennis is my happy place, but there is any so much your body can take before you just want to go home and relax.
I was brought up with technology, and the love of tv shows and movies, that for me there is nothing better then just being snuggled up in bed watching my really cool stuff.
I try as much as possible to be out and about, but when i feel down, weak, etc my bed and my computer are the things that keep me going, and the place i feel the safest.

Of course the computer has been one of many ways out of my old life and into my new one.
I think of eveything that has had some kind of knock on effect and that without them, I would not be where i am today, starting with going through the princes trust, I would not have got my Dan Media Productions branding, how even though i was a very unconfident person, around others, Give me something i have passion for, and suddenly, i am standing in front of people, giving a 30 second look into what my business is and how it will help you.
That confident i can talk about how video production is done, what you need the creative ideas etc.
I had never had confidence in my life that before and it was great, i got to meet people i would of never thought of, other video creators, social media marketing companies, going on workshops,
it was a transition from being a kid, to an adult.
The knock on affect of my business plan being accepted, getting the funding, to have the camera which not only got me out of the house and helped with my depression a little but has now turned into something far greater, discovering that i have a small skill in photography, and that its growing, quicker then the business of making videos was supposed to.
The affect its had in my confidence to go on the radio, to become more open about who i am and my issues, to keep learning and learning about the world, skills i need, to keep helping the local community.
Just think that if my plan was not accepted by the princes trust, where would i be now in life.
I think i would lost, my depression would of gotten worse then it did and probs done things that until it was to late didnt know i was doing.

I have learned that i have way more strength and will power then i give myself credit for,
but this can come at a cost, I am a very competitive person, not the kind who laughs at others, or winning is everything, but i go out there to aim to win, but to also have fun, playing with people that are better then me gives me more fuel, playing with people that make you laugh, gives me more fuel (:
For me, its silly when i say this but because i dont have someone controlling my life weather that be parents or a loved one, its sometimes hard to know when to stop.
I will keep pushing and pushing doing what i love to the point it hurts, which then will make me feel rubbish about myself, which is then a never ending cycle of beating the demons to only let them win again.
so i have been told that i need to take care more of my body, and if for example at tennis, if i am having a bad day, where i know i feel rubbish, decide to have a break, chat to people and see how i feel rather then thinking itll get better next game, and then leaving thinking why did i ever bother leaving the door this morning.

I do have way more strength then i used to, the depression is still bad but its not everyday, where i am today to compared to the 7 months after the break up, i do feel like a new person, not 100 percent but slowly learning more and more and becoming better (:
No matter how strong i think i am though, i do often have more strength through others,
If i am at the gym, and i am with friends, or with amazing staff, they push me, they can see my drive, and they help to push it further, and often i do acheive better when i am given that little extra push
I am just so happy that i have such amazing people in life at the moment (:

For me i dont know fancy meals out in a pub, or to go on holidays, buy lots of things, ok it would be nice to be able to treat myself a little more, but i dont need tons of money or things to make me happy, doing what i do makes me happy, making others happy, makes me happy.
I think sometimes when we are ruled by having lots of money or surroundings ourselfs in luxury things we forget what we are doing in live and why we are doing it.

Not tons of people but some people work 50+ hours and boast how much money they have, but time is short, and in my eyes what is the point having tons of money and no time to spend it, leaving you maybe one day a month or even a year where you have a massive splash buying things you dont need because look i have lots of money i worked hard for.
In life you need a balance from the amount of hours you work to the amount of time you have to use it, spend time with loved ones etc.

So yeah i dont have a fancy camera, i dont take the best pictures in the world but i sit and learn with what i have got, and i use the knowledge i have took time to learn to help others (:

I might be sad when i say that i could not live without my computer, but without it i would have nothing to learn and block away my demons, without tennis, it would be the same, without gym, i would be weak, i would not have bulit the friends i have and the community i have In Lincolnshire, without all the things that make me, well me (:

My biggest fear at the moment i have found is my aniexty being around others,
I have never been a social person, due to my parents, I do find it hard starting up a talking point to people i dont know, this is why i much perfer for a while talking to people online, that why i can say almost anything i want without the need of feeling shy, feeling scared, being that quiet person who sits in the corner looking silly.

My main issue is not having the same drive i have with sports, and putting into forcing myself to talk to people, although the gym is the most place i talk to people, it is mostly with my friends.
If the staff say hi and want to talk to me, i often end up either repeating myself every time, with hello how are you,  oh thats great music thats on, and sadly thats about all i say.
do i stop what i am doing, and have a real talk with the staff, NO.
I want to but i just then feel awarked and either i focus on what i was doing, or end up leaving.
Its nobodys fault other then my own, people have even said oh just be yourself, i try that and it never happends the way i want it to.

The other problem with aniexty i have is, being around a group of people, i feel on edge, again not myself, i have tried so many times to talk in groups and i know its not for me.
Even going to see live bands, i still feel on edge, sometimes its easier to control then others, but its something that keeps controlling my life and keeps making me miss out on great things.

This next bit i cant remember posting about before, and its something that is totally silly, to some will laugh their socks off, and think its a joke but again i am open, and i will always be, people may say oh but we dont need to know that, well.. oh well, its me, what you gonna do haha (:

Being around Females, of any age, is just as bad as my aniexty.
The first case I remember how bad i was, and to a lot may seemed like i was as society says a freak and i probs still am.
This was starting college in nottingham, and wanting to talk to this girl, not because i liked her, i had never spoken to her, she was in my class, so one day, i wrote on some paper, hi i am really shy, yes i did put this..... and i would like to get to know you, let me know if this is ok !!!
I now look back at that and think what a twat i was, sending a letter to a girl just to ask her to talk to me like wtf daniel haha.

Even when i got girlfriends, talking to them happened by online first before meeting.
Back then and even to this day, I get neverous, if a female sits next to me, not so bad if i really know them, but still, feel on edge and shy, sometimes to the point i will get up and leave and sit somewhere else, i feel on edge if i am at the gym, and i am training on my own, and the manchine i want to use there is a female on the next one, which then i avoid using until shes done, like seriously just go use the dam thing lol.
The worse one is when i am meeting someone new to become friends, and they give you hug, i try as much as possible to avoid it and then just get really shy.
All these issues of mine do annoy me, because its not the person i would like to be.
i want to be able to bring my confidence over from my business like approach into well just being me.
That is the issue that the more and more i get content with being safe, and not pushing myself out of my comfort zone, the worse the issues get !!!

Seriously i really do, do anything to try and hid who i am, sometimes without even knowing i do,
I think in a odd way thats why i have taken to photography in such a passionate way, because i guess its behind a screen haha just kidding (:

Overall, its been a miracle of a year, and at times i wish i could be more, and have more, i have to live each day as it comes, and just keep doing what i live and hope within time, my life will fix itself (:

So there you go, a bunch of things you may or may not have known about me, its been good just to have a few hours to get this of my chest, now i just have to focus my brain onto writing, the blog posts i aimed to do, and even think about getting into writing Stories, that i used to do many years a go !!!!!!

Ramblings of a confused man ????/ Recovery college ??? 29-09-17 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

That time again where i was meant to be creative and have ongoing blog posts that need to be done but just do not have that creative spark or drive, been debating weather to write this for nearly 2 hours now !!!!
Its not been a great week at all, and is why i feel i need to write to get my thoughts away.
Before i get into the bad week i wanted to explain about the kinda of good news I got today.

So as some of you may know who reads my blog posts, since 2016 i have battling with the lack of support by the mental health services.
In life, it so ironic that you not told about services that are offered by the same company at the same place you have been going to for other kinds of help !!!!
This week while playing tennis, i got talking to someone about anxiety and about the useless course i was given to me last week a course that i had waited 6 months for !!!!

The course i was given by the mental health services, aka steps to change, was a group  anxiety course.
Now on the letter it did not explain what it entailed, so in my mind i thought it would be like getting to know each other, group activities to help get of the fear of talking to people and being in the room with others ???

As i arrived for my first session, i had to fill out the thing that should be banned which is the stupid so how have you felt over the past 2 weeks with about 12 questions, of a score based between 0-10 !!
To me when you have had a bad week, or even a good week, we as humans do not mark ourselves on score, we often do not put the correct score depending if that week has been good or not.
This then often leads to not getting further help because they base their decision on the stupid score system and oh no if you did not score high you dont get the help you need !!!!

I filled it in but i swear if i get given it again, even if i kick up a fuzz i am not filling one in ever again.
Instead much like my private counseling i have been having that i will explain a little more later on, even they argeed with many people that, it should be banned and the way the trust deals with patience's is very poor.
The private counseler even said that she had enough of following their workings and that talking to someone about their issues and accessing what help is needed is better then asking someone to rate how they feel !!! 

So going back to the talk with someone at the tennis place, they mentioned that at the same place i go to they do recovery courses also known as recovery college.
These are aimed at group interactions, which is what is should be about.
if you want to find out more about it you can here (:
http://www.lpft.nhs.uk/our-services/adult-services/recovery-college

So why on earth after having 12 weeks of counseling, 5 weeks of CBT, did the same trust never ever mention about this !!!!!!! its nuts.
I then was talking about my anxiety to a friend that i went to for a social meet, and they knew about it and gave me the number to ring.
That is what i did i have got an appointment to talk about the courses like a enrollment, does not mean that the 18th October i have this that i will get instant help.
As they run a lot of different taster courses and core courses, from understanding stress, aniexty and a lot lot more !!! something that i have been wanting this whole time (: here is a little brief write up of a section of a email i just got explaining about the courses.
Your enrolment at the College will last one year. The College runs on a three term academic year. During the first two terms we recommend you taking a mixture of ‘taster sessions’ and ‘core sessions. In your final term, to prepare you for leaving the College, we would recommend you take our ‘moving on’ courses. At enrolment we would make sure you are not overwhelming yourself by taking too many courses, therefore, we would advise a maximum of eight courses during the academic year.

all courses are free, you dont need to bring ID, or anything with you, and i believe as long as they dont overlap your allowed to go onto as many as you can.

I do suffer with both depression and anxiety, and with having private counselling just from the last month, has helped more then the time i have had with the trust.
I was told by the trust 2 months a go when i got a phone call about the anxiety course, that i do seemed to suffer from aniexty the most and i cant say i do i think both are just as bad as each other.

So i am really helping that this recovery college will be the next steps to make me a much more confident person (:
Anxiety is a big problem for me on top of being really shy to meet new people and talk to people.
Unless i am talking about my photography, things i am passionate about or even having a common intrest with that person, i am a totally different person and just struggle coping with making conversation.

Over the past year i have tried as much as possible to force myself out of my comfort zone.
Weather that is meeting with a group of people, to even going to local music gigs.
Most of the time at music gigs i end up leaving due to a overwhelming about of people near me.
In group meets i seem to latch onto one person to talk to as trying to talk to different people just makes me feel on edge, my heart races, i get into a panicked state and just want to leave.

From experience of that i now know that group meetings are just not my thing, the last few months i tried to challenge myself to going to a local social event held once a month in Grantham at a wonderful place.
I have been there 3 times and everytime i just sit there quiet, looking awkward, Its been good going though as i met another photographer, and someone who passed on the details of the counselor i am seeing now (: 
Its often frustrating though, as i dont want to be like that, i dont want to have the need of people coming to me to start the convo, or seeing me quiet and talking.
What i want is when i go to group meetings, is to go in feeling confident, start a talking point off, then go talk to someone else and make friends, yet something just wont snap to make that possible.
Even everyday life i am the same, I love playing tennis, and expect for someone talking to me again starting a talking point off. I often find myself to focused on my tennis then being social.
At the gym, i have got better at talking but still will avoid the chance to meet new people and just focus on what i am doing.
I just seem incapable of talking, a lot of people say what you complain about  just go and do it !!
like der that is what i am trying to do, those people do not know how hard and how taxing it is on yourself pushing yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes it can make you feel worse because of the pressure of having someone telling you just to do it.

I think a lot of people do not know this side of me because i am mostly known as the man with a camera.
I use that to have my confidence and through that i seem to be able to network with people and even talk, its nuts how much of a different person i am just with a camera in my hand (:

Now i will go into the past few weeks and why the last week had been my worst in a long while.
Every week i have meetings with the counselor, talking about my past, my emotions etc.
Every week, for about a hour i feel drained at the end because when you drag so much history up, that you have buried then it impacts not only your mind but your body.
After that though i feel pumped for the day so getting things of my chest really helps.

2 weeks a go I was talking about my photography and what i do for the community,
and she mentioned when was the last time you just went out and took photos for yourself, exploring and capturing what you see.
I said to not in a while, because its been so business and event based, which is nothing wrong with that, but obvious it can be very tiring and demanding.

I took on board what she said and the next day went out for a wonderful walk, i often go by the saying everything happends for a reason, and its true.
In that moment of exploring lead me to enter a photography competition, which was for the Lincolnshire Rivers trust, they loved my photo so much that it was used on Facebook as their cover for the event coming up in Grantham (:
That week started off great because I was in the Journal about my work, only a few days before.
Sadly by the end of the week things went downhill very fast.
Friday 22nd, started epic as i played my best tennis ever, was really happy.
Got home had a shower, something to eat, then a few hours later started to feel strange.
This feeling was not new as Because i have suffered so long i have this sense that i do not feel right, like i am not sad or upset but now really happy either.

By 6pm i had set myself a plan, as i was going to see a local music artist, I started listening to music, and then just after 7.30pm, I could hear shouting over the music.
So I looked outside to see people shouting at each other, and then 5 mins later Police car turning up.
This of course put me on edge a little, even though, it was nothing to do with me, and my brain should not be stupid to get worked up, it did.
I was late leaving due to wanting to wait till it had quieten down, which made me walk faster in my highten state .

I got there, and settled myself thinking right i got my camera to take photos and enjoy a wonderful night, yeah that did not happen.
I could not get comfty, again i did not feel sad but i did not feel really happy either.
After the artist said he was taking a small break, i decided to leave.
Walking back i suddenly without thinking of anything got upset, felt panicked, just being a total idiot.

I got back and for i think 20 Minutes, just sat there about to cry not doing anything.
brushed it aside and started editing the photos i managed to take hoping the next day will be better.
I had managed to dead sleep, where you feel like you have had tons more sleep then you have, which often you will have a headache, feel dizzy, hot, and just do not want to get out of bed.
I set my alarm for 9am and just switched it off, and re woke at 10am.
My body struggled to move but i know i wanted to play tennis later on that day.
90 percent of the time tennis with it being my happy place, snaps me out of it, but there are days where again it makes you feel worser.
That is what happened as, to say i am very physical fit, and no not in looks wise haha but like my speed etc, i just could not move my feet, i could not play at all, it was like i had forgotten how to do anything.

Of course this lead me to feel annoyed at myself, not having good games and making me feel crap about myself walking back home.

I knew i had other stuff to do throughout the day like writing 2 blog posts, one still not being done as i write this one !!!
I had no creativity, and that whole evening was spent in my bed watching shows and feeling awful.
The next morning i felt the same as the other night with dead sleeping again.
A few hours after waking up, i knew i needed to go out as the event for the photography competition was on.
I was glad i went as it cheered me up, with seeing loads of cats on the way back and taking photos of them (:
overall i was not back to normal but i felt a bit better, it did not last long as for the 3rd night i felt like i had more sleep then i did.
For most of Monday, was spent in bed, did not even go to tennis as seeing the counselor again was changed to a Tuesday for that week.

I did have something to look forward to which was doing Cardio at the gym in the evening.
This lead to more being annoyed at myself as i could not push myself as hard as i had been doing.
for some reason my mental state was really affecting my physical body a lot.
Tuesday was a better day, only because of talking about things again, i was now feeling 90percent better !!

The next day was tennis, and i did a bit better, but by the end i felt rubbish again, and did nothing else after that until the evening for more cardio which again was not getting the results i was used to.
This time I had managed to lock my legs and cause a lot of pain, which of course i felt miserable again, ahhh !!!

This leads me onto the last 2 days , expect for last night, I had nearly dead sleeped for a week !!!
all week i had not had the drive i was used to, as mentioned towards the start, was the group meeting, and i mostly talked to the one person i had known from other meets, plus i was still not feeling my usual self.
Today was just a miss match of feelings, as 1 opportunity i had was gone, and another re arranged so my plans for the day changed.
I went to play tennis, and once again, i just fell apart, would not be as bad if i was making wrong decisions like we all sometimes do with anything in life.
its when your body does not want to move, your coordination skills go out the window and you just feel like why am i even bothering anymore.
This week has just been horrible, not because of the things i have done but because i have not been able to control how i have been feeling which had then had a negative impact on doing those things.

I have tried to relax and let the day go and hope for a better day that did not work, i tried taking a good grip on reality and that had the same results.
I just do not know at the moment why i feel the way i do, as i should be happy, my photography is going places, so why i am not happy ???
I just feel so confused right now, lost in my own thoughts.
I miss so much in life because i either leave early, i do not bother going, and when i do my social skills are nothing, i want to experience so much more in life and yet how can i even be accepted because of my mental health, how can i do these things when, i can not stay ??? AHH !!!!!

I think for now i have written enough as this has took 2 hours out of my day not that i am doing anything with it lol.
For me i try to always improve on things, and push myself its just so how when the demons are fighting back harder and harder every month, like the more i achieve the stronger they get.

When i have more details over the course at the recovery college, i shall do a update post but for now i just somehow need to snap myself out of what ever the heck is going off with me at the moment (:
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Ramblings of a mad man, My personal thoughts ??? | Daniel Marshall Adventures

By now you can tell that i moan a lot, sound like a old man, etc That is why i named this blog ramblings of a old man because once again i just need to get things off my chest how i feel right now ):

The past couple of days have just not been great mentally, and i have fount myself moping around most of the day on my computer not being able to even focus to watch tv shows fully concertinaing.
The weekend that has just gone was a great weekend.
I managed to play my best ever rounds of tennis, i felt happy.
I then after a few months decided to even go out of comfort zone and watch live bands again in Grantham, to which i took photography and was supposed to have posted a blog post about the evening by now !!!!!!
However i just have had no creative spark to write anything, i wanted to even write this post the day before but again i just seem to be standing at my computer most of the time or aimlessly struggling through the internet just so time can fly by.

I dont know what made me feel the way i have been the last few days as this is why its been so frustrating that i still cant get the help In lincolnshire, for my issues.
since i do feel depressed, i do suffer with aniexty, but also from a friend who told me i might be bi Polor due to how i feel which i will explain throughout this post.

On sunday, i had posted most of photography up of the night seeing the bands, it was a great night and i managed to stay, because i was upfront with my back to everyone so i could just focus on the music, seeing the performers and taking photography.
as i sat on my computer on sunday wanting to write the post, my mind just went blank.
Bloggers and writters often get this so i thought i would watch a few shows and maybe i could write it later.
as the day went by i started to feel worse and worse, to the point that, i switched my computer off and tried to take a nap.
the nap turned into me falling to pieces crying about nothing to start with, this happends a lot, i start to feel sad, and 99 percent of the time nothing i do make me snap out of it.
This then led into me thinking about my past.
The truth is the last year and a half since i broke up with my ex, i have tired so much to put it all behind me, get my head down and focus on being who i want to be, which is being creative.
For some reason, 5 out of 7 days, sometimes less differing each week, i think about my ex.
I think about the life we had, i think how much i miss her and how i wish i could turn back time.
Then i think, how much my ex decided to try and ruin my life after we broke up, depsite me causing the break up.
I think of how much she used her parents to come in between us all time that, all couples argue but for some reason she thought it was a good idea instead of sorting it between us to tell her parents all time.
even though she did i still loved her to bits, my only regret was not seeking help for my mental health years before we broke up, so that i could of got the help i needed, and maybe been a better position in life at this current time.
i think if she had learned to talk more about things, and i got the help maybe we would not of broke up. That said, i look back and have come to understand that all my life was depended on her, i never had friends and never tried to reach out for them because i was happy just spending time with her, which again i think if i did have friends, maybe it would have put less stress on us being together so we could have our own time to do things, i could go out and play tennis etc while she went to she her family, I realised now that there is more to life then just being with someone and have tried to much to explore different things to do.
as much as i have tired to cope on my own, grow up and seek the help, i still find it very hard to cope.
I find it hard to Motivate myself to do chores, which is partly to do with my depression.
when i was with my girlfriend, i used to the oppsite then i am now.
i would make sure the house was clean, do the pots, so that on the days she worked she didnt have stuff to worry about, and since i struggled to cook, due to my lack of hand corditation, it meant that i would help clean the pots, set the table etc while she cooked, often i would offer to help but she did not want it.
where as now i struggle to cook for myself, i struggle to often tidy my room, wash the pots etc.
its like if there was a inspection or i had a date come over for example, that need to have it nice, would make me do, and often i feel in life i need that little push for a few days to put me back on track.
but still just like back then, i have days where i know in my head i do not feel quite right, and that i am going to feel rubbish, when i had more then 6 hours spare time when my ex went to work, after 3 hours i would feel like i was losing my mind having nothing to do, and end up doing the same things over and over just to pass the time.
Now yes i do a lot of physical activites but i often still feel this way when i am not doing them.
its like things have changed in my life since the break up but some things havent.
which then puts me on a circle of a life of running out of money and having nothing to save up for a day out etc.
this is due, to the fact of craving even just a hour more happyiness in the day, weather that is, going to play pool, to buying a milkshake, chocolate etc.
it may seem silly that doing these things makes me happy, but it does, and if i try as much as possible not to waste money i find myself falling to peices again.
Going for a walk does not help, trying to have a nap, sleep, just anything does not make the pain go away, i can only hope for something to try and lift it and most of the time i just have to wait it out and wake up the next day trying to not let it take over my life again.

So going back to last few days, sunday was rubbish, i got a bad nights sleep, i woke up and just sat in bed for hours and had to force myself out to the gym, i put all my muscles into it hoping that i could force the pain away.
It worked, later that day i had a meeting with my support worker, about the next steps in my housing and support.
I was told for now we arent going to move you, and i did mention even though its not the best place in the world, i do feel happy with the place i am in,
They also starting filling in another Assesment form to give into the council this time trying to go into more detail about my learning difficults and other such things.
I explained to them i am going to chase up the mental health team about getting help as its been over a month since i re applied and still waiting to be seen by someone.
I only realised now as i write this i was supposed to do it today but with me feeling so rubbish i forgot

it seems ironic that everytime i have a good few weeks, and i have to fill in a sheet with scores that a few hours later that i go into this cycle of really bad depression.
its like my brain knows, and goes right thats enough happyiness you know must feel crap.

I got back home, again not thinking of anything bad, and just started to cry, after about 20 mins, i picked myself up, watched something to make me laugh and then headed back to the gym.
This time i went to do a watt Bike Class, the last one i did, i had to stop half way, i was struggling to move and catch my breath,
and had not gone back to the class since.
i had been working hard on my legs, due to wanting to go back to running after nearly having a month off, as i wanted to focus more on my tennis.

working on my legs pulled off, as i had my best session ever !!!!
The staff who took the class decided to set the hardest setting ever, with red zones lasting 2 mins !!!!
and it being a session off swapping to red and yellow only.

I was doing incredable well, managing it, 10 mins to go and i was struggling a bit but kept pushing through the pain and just listening to the music that was playing, as my brain is so tuned into music, i performed much better in those classes with the music then when i try to do it without.
5mins to go,i was sweating so much, my head hurting, my chest really hurting but i was adamant i will finish this class !!!!
The final 2 mins left my brain in the zone, i go from 80 percent to 90 percent in 10 seconds suprassing everyone elses bulid up.
faster, faster, it was like being in a wind tunnel, nothing was stopping me, i could feel being faster then i ever have when running and i was.
my best targets was a peak heart rate of 183 and getting to 97 percent.
i got to that level and pushed even further, i can honestly say i really dont know how the human body can some how find engry out of thin air, since i was really struggling with 5 mins to go, i had used everything up, and yet i managed to get to 99 percent !!!! not only that i held it for 40 seconds.
Before when doing weights and seeing the screen where the my zone belts track the people in the gym.
looking at the scores of people in the watt bike sessions on days that i was not and one person getting to 99 and thinking how on earth !!!
There i am managing to do the same, in life though its often when we acheive something that you do not get proof of it other then the people that was there at the time.
As i had stupidly forgot to bring my belt so it could send you the results after you finished, i had to have a demo belt on, which sadly does not keep the information since its not registered to anyone.
i walked off the bike, feeling dizzy, but such a rush, to the point it took nearly half a hour, and some cereal to bring me back down to earth.
I put a post up on Facebook saying that i was well impressed with my physical state, because i have never been fitter and stronger in my whole life, i just wished my mental health was the same.
it is annoying that i can acheive in life, but its always in leaps and bounds because of my mental health.
i either really struggle, or i really achieve, this is no middle ground where i can stay level and acheive every now and then while still doing great overall.

sadly when comes the highs comes the lows again a hour after settling down relaxing did i suddenly fell apart again, and had yet another bad nights sleep, with having lots of nightmares.

One point throughout the night, i woke up chocking, as i felt like i was drowing, something i have not felt in over a year and really scared me.

it was also very cold, and you know when you kind of wake up, look around and then end up nodding back off, and you also tell by how bright it is outside it must be a certain time, so its not time to wake up yet?
well i did that, i set a alarm that i cant remember turning off, and did not wake up till 10.30,
my body was hurting, and i just laid there for 10mins looking at the dam wall !!!
i managed to finally crawl out of bed got something to eat and thought write i need to write this blog post about the music.
Yet again nothing was coming to mind, and again ended up watching some stuff online.
Again i dragged myself to the gym, The watt bike class later in the evening was a mixture between the bike and doing intensive workout off the bike, something i have tired before and did it was not really my thing.
Instead i asked if it was ok if no one was using the studio to set up a class, for myself so i could try and get a good record with this time remembering my belt.
The kind staff there set it up, with music and disco lights on !!! hehe, i chosen a less intense workout then the day before and away i went.

I did not beat any targets, but i was happy i tried and enjoyed the session, and here was the results





 I only wished i could have seen the stats of the other day as i know they would of been off the charts and my aveage effort would of been something like 88-90 percent (:

Then something really pissed me off and upset me which then made me think about things.
I am joined in a lot of groups on Facebook, just groups to get to know each other, and have fun.
I Joined a group called Banter 18+ and like every group i am in, i introduction myself, like where i am from, what i like doing etc.
Never had a problem in these sort of groups, until today.
I got comment after comment, of dising me, hateful comments, even very nasty ones.
One person said who is that in your picture, with you, i said my best friend which is the truth.
they laughed and said i thought it was a support worker, and put as if thats your friend.
I put it is with a smile and they just took the piss.
after getting 10+ comments i contacted the admin, who didnt even a dam, and also starting taking the piss.
I dont mind banter, i dont mind having a laugh but i will not have the piss took out of me for no reason.
I dont find it funny, i just think its sad that some people have nothing better to do with there lives then to sit on Facebook, and troll people.

Of course this set my off and started making me think lots of things of how badly people have treated me since i was much younger.

I remember nearly everyday, i was bullied from being beaten up, to nearly ever p.e lesson having my bag took, and things being missing when i got it back, the head teacher and teachers doing sod all to deal with it.
I remember having to use the issue to go to toliet every time i had spanish class because The Teacher who took it was never hardly there and all we would have it temp teachers who the moment had there back to me or left the class for a few moments, the kids would throw stuff at me and say nasty things to me.

Of course my dad not making anything better with everytime i came home with something missing, went up the wall , and when i say mad i dont mean shouting i mean really dam mad.

If it was not being bullied at school it was kids shouting outside the windows of cars passing by, calling me names.
Everytime i caught the bus home, i had things thrown at me etc.

Then years later when i am trying to make friends online because of my fear of getting to know people, do i get people messing me about and people who knew the people who bullied me and thought it was funny to do the same.

When you think, 8 years later that people would of grown up and moved on, you contact a few people you knew from school, not the once that bullied me but just people from my school.
To then be called names, I replied saying at least i am not trying to be this junked up thug thinking they are better then everyone, still acting like a school kid thinking they are in the cool gang and wanting to call people nasty names cause they have nothing better to do with their lives.
of which then them saying at least i dont flinch everytime someone is near me.
its like well der..... cause i will, since most of the people i knew from school just wanted to beat me up, of course that makes me some kind of creep, a faggot, a idiot ????? these are the names people from my school thought of me.
I just do not get why kids are bring brought up to think they are all cool, and that to them, making others feel crap about their lives gives themselfs happyiness.
is there lives that empty, and boring they cant get on with their own lives?

I would say is just the male gender that does it but the females are just as bad.
I also Remember trying to meet some females from the net, again because my social skills in the real world are next to none.
to then be make a fool again, by ringing them up saying where are you, to either get them laughing on the phone saying as if i meet you, you ugly twat, etc and that person i was going to meet being with their friends to also play there sick game of lets laugh at the twat.

or it was the exuse of a day later getting a text saying sorry i was in Hosptial, for one person you think well maybe there might of been some truth to it.
but over a course of years getting the same exuse from about 5 different women, about their dad is in there, or someone, to people even refusing to give out their phone number after arranging the meet so that i could ring to make sure they are there.

All my life weather its online, or offline i just seem to be played like some kind of fool all the time.
some people can not be honest with me and make lie after lie up and when the people are honest its abusive, and nasty !!!!!

People expect me just to get over my problems, my issues etc and yet how can i when if its not my own problems stopping me in life its other people,

Again this somehow makes me the issue that i am a monster a creep etc, and yet is wanting to be accepting, wanting to talk to people really a monster????

A prime example of people not being able to be honest and making up lies because they just do not want to talk to you, is Facebook.

I have never been able to get over the fact of approaching a woman, just to have a chat and become friend in the real world, that is not me i hid behind my computer where i feel confident and i am able to be the person i want to be and talk to people.
Because i have been helping my local community so much it would be nice to connect with more people in my local area weather that be males or females.
Other i have had bad luck with the way women reply to me on social media, i still for some reason find it easier to be able to find a few people to talk to rather then males who normally take the piss out off me, i am lucky that i have some great male friend in my life, through my networking skills and through gym, tennis etc.
The other day i contacted this woman, who lived in Grantham, and went to college in Grantham, stated by her profile,
so i sent her a message just simply saying that i wanted to get to know people across the local area.
Her reply was i am not from Grantham, i replied emm yes you are it states it on your profile, she then replied with oh it must be a mistake with a wink face, and before i had chance to reply i was blocked !!!

Like really why are people not brought up with manners anymore, and why do people find it funny to a not be truthfully and b not play silly games.
I can take a rejection on the chin if someone said to me, for example sorry not looking for anymore friends etc, but when someone decides to lie and find it funny, then it annoys me.

Then people wonder why i have aniexty, that is why.
my aniexty has gotten worse over the last few months that unless i am foucsing on what i am doing, i find it hard to be around others.
take the music events i go to, if there are 3 band playing with each band taking a 10min break before the next one is on, i find myself, looking around, making sure no one is to near me, i go on my phone for no reason not because i am bored, but because unless i am doing something, i feel on edge, i start to panic, which had often lead to me leaving gigs early.
Same when i am at the gym, can be room full of guys all, just foucsing on what they are doing and yet will i go in there, no because i dont want people looking at me, i am not as strong as most people in the gym, and i often do things wrong, so i dont want to seem like a fool.

When i am avoiding a room full of people i end up drinking water when i do not need, to standing there looking like a idiot, waiting for my friend to finish on the equipment, or whoever is on it.
when i workout on my own at the gym, your suppose to take a min break after ever set, and yet i dont because again, i feel silly if i have nothing to do, which then ends up me hurting my body because its not had the rest it needs.

If my most happy place at tennis, i am often like this, i am not as bad but still unless i am doing something, i just end up falling to bits.

This has been my circle of life, i want to achieve so bad to prove people wrong that i put my body through so much.
i want to explore more of Lincolnshire, and do more things in life, which involves being social and being the public view but again i often back away from things because of being scared of people around me or doing something new.

I want to make friends but i have to resort to sending messages to people online because i can not just strike a convo up with someone.

I often here as well people to say so much, your still young, it takes time,... Time is the word that i heard so much.
For me i view time as after a year and a half after the break up, i am still no closer to getting help with my problems, time lost being stuck in the house, due to my problems, time lost, doing nothing all day when i have things to do.
Losing time everyday, because my aniexty seems to only be getting worser day by day.
so when someone turns around to me, and says you will get used to it.
I say to myself, how??? I exhausted all options to try and be the person i crave to be.
I have tried all opitions to get help to get permanent housing, to do things to make me happy???

Yes i may do sports, gym, running, pool, photography, videos, music, blogging, social media marketing, and other things, and yes maybe i have come a long way since the start of 2016 ???

In my own opinion i cant think of a reason that i have come along way when i still feel a wreak in life.

It gets that bad that, i have to crave physically actives even after doing them earlier in the day and my body hurting, to get out of the house, to try even for a hour to feel some kind of happyines !!!

I try to think everyday that if i stand a chance with finding more friends or finding someone to be with, that might help my life become better again, that i need to keep trying in life, keep pushing harder and harder to achieve???

How can i expect to have that when i am so messed up,
I remember having  a talk with someone, about mental health, and they said they could not be with someone who struggles a lot in life because it would affect their live.
on one hand i agree but on the other i dont, i think if you really like that person for who they are, you would learn to be there for them and help them through dark times.
Depression like with most things comes in many stages, one of which is loneliness, even i have to admit this that i crave the attention but why do i???
I just simply did not have it most of my life, from my dad that was abusive to my mum, and never having that caring element in my life, to being bullied at school and having no friends, and to even being told i would never acheive in life by people.
A element inside me wants to try with everything i have to prove them wrong,
Maybe thats why some people in my local community support me and talk to me because of my stupid ramblings, i dont know but i crave attention because i never had it in my life.

I can understand by my own actions and others that i often possible post to much about my life, i often possibly moan to much,  and possibly annoy people that way who knows?

I think sometimes we live in such a cruel world that, people look down on others who struggle more then themselfs, that people are so quick to judge someone on their age, the way they look or act.

I think that people see and hear about a depressed person, and choose not to speak to them because they are a werdio etc.

One of my main worries is that when i manage to find someone to be with, would i go back in the same cycle of not wanting to do my own things.

I have built a life around me that i dont want to get rid of it, but because it is the attention i crave, when i able to seek it will it just take over my life.

For some reason when talking to older women i always seem to get on better with them, i think because they are much wiser, been through a lot, and stuff like that, it just makes me feel more safe knowing they wont judge me.
I take that attitude that i do not judge, my dad was awful at that, and everytime he saw someone who was not English he would take a immediate disliking to them.

I am just a open because i dont judge someone on their age, looks, sex, etc.
i think i also take that same approach to friends and dating, a lot of people will say sorry your not my type which really is not a answer but oh well, or to young to old, i only date black people like wtf lol,
me i am just happy talking to anyone, who is accepting of me, who does not judge on my past, or what i look like etc, who understand me and can have adult talk about things.
I am not a robot, i am human, i know when to have a laugh at the right times i know how to have fun, i am just simply a educated person rather then someone who likes to take the piss out of others, just so they can look cool in front of their friends (:

so yeah you may hate me, you may have heard things about me from other people,
but you know what i dont care, if your that low minded to think that way i am better off not knowing you (:
it is always better in life to have a few friends that you talk to a lot and are there for you then to have 2,000 friends on Facebook, thinking your popular, when you probably do not know all of them,  you just like the fact of showcasing a number !!!
its took me a long time to bulid my life this far, i have learned to stand up for myself, to not let bullies walk over me, and to prove to people that i have something to offer, not by wanting money but just to help and to feel accepted in return (:

this has been a really long write for me its gone 2am as i am finishing this, and probs wont wake up till 11am, but if writing this makes me able to have a better day tomorrow then i will happily be a mad man and write !!!!!

Thank you for Reading  

Joint health and well-being strategy for Lincolnshire meeting 2017 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

In this Blog post i am going to be talking about, what happened in the meeting, and my views.
The event was held at the Jubilee Church on the 18th July 2017.

The agenda of the meeting was to discuss which areas impact Lincolnshire the most, after which there would be a meeting In September 2017 to look at those areas in more detail to put a draft new Strategy by march 2018.

As you entered to give your name so they could mark you as here, they told you what table number you would be sitting on.

as more people turned up i recognized a few people which was on my table.
One of which being, Mark Whitington from the country Council which i am sure i saw him at the Lincolnshire county council meeting i went to In December 2016.
I wasnt sure about the other tables put it seemed there was a lot of people who work in different parts In Lincolnshire.
Sarah who i didnt catch her last name worked in SKDC, you also had Sally who worked in the Children services sector.

A small presentation started about the purpose of this meeting,  mentioning that you would notice around the room, the topics that were up for discussion, on each topic would be stats and evidence of each topic.
such as there are currently  over 500 adults with learning Disabilites supported in long term Residential care at a cost of about 22 million a year, there are 13.563 Individuals or households waiting for a council housing, which i do talk about later in this blog.
Each table has a spokesperson who would pass on the tables discussions at the end.

After the presentation, we was told that their were papers copies of the same information fount on the walls, which i tried my best to snap a few shots off as you can see below, i was kindly given paper copies of the topics as well, which i am glad so i can have more information to tell you lot.



The idea was each person had 5 gold stars to put on 5 different topics they thought should be in the plan for 2018.
a long list of topics but a few of them were. mental health in Adults, mental health In Children, food and Nutrition, housing & Health, Learning Disabilities and many more.



We all got to each talk about what choices we made and why, which was great because I got explain my situation with the way the mental health system works, that it should no longer be a scored format which decides what help you should get, but rather a system that listen to the person needs and after x amounts of session, based the help on what has been said.
I also brought up the battle of long waiting times, that for someone who needs the help, and wants to live a better life, the case of having to wait 4+ months to receive it, is just outrageous, but even more is the fact that after your sessions, of which CBT being only 5weeks your told bye you cant have any more help, refer yourself in 3 months time oh but wait then there is the added time of the waiting list.
its no wonder Lincolnshire has a lot of mental health cases when the support is just not there.
I was happy to see that my table agreed on this a lot and we had a long discussion about it.
it was also mentioned that the lack of support transitioning  between services as a child to a adult, is a disgrace, that your supposed to magically be able to cope.
Learning disabilities was another talked about topic.
I did not get catch to mention about it from my point as i felt mental health was more of an important sector to talk about.
for me this also had an impact on your mental health state, After a year and a half of people around people who pick up on your day to day life, they can sometimes know what you might be suffering from better then a doctor and other services.
I have been told, from others and my own experiences that i could suffer from dyspraxia, and also a little bit of dyslexia.
Again the lack of funding and services has meant that after a year and a half of extinguishing every angle, being told there is no funding, or we do not look after people who have these issues, your left with a battle to get help still.
Which leads with the poor housing situation In Lincolnshire.
Again from my own Knowledge and experience, i know what the system is like.
If you have no where to live, and become homeless, you are put on what is called the avenue.
which is a list, to be transferred mostly to a homeless shelter in Lincoln itself,
if your lucky, you are sent to a housing association such as Narco which i am under, or others across Lincolnshire.,

This is a no means permanent fix, it is just temporary accommodation.
I find myself in a loop from being in shared houses by a landlord back to Narco, because i find it hard to cope, at least if i have kind of a support worker from Narco, life is a little easier.
I have been on the Council list ever since i moved to Grantham, 6 years a go, and on band 4 which in my terms is your never getting a place.
this is where the circle for me comes into place, Because Narco is temp accommodation, your forced, to either be with their move on flat for 2 years, which for me, yes i like my own place one day but at the moment just the comfort of knowing people are in the house makes me feel more relaxed, i could not manage a place on my own.

so because i have also not been able to get a proper assessment on paper  saying you have this etc, my bracket on the council list is still band 4 which again means, good luck getting a place.

If you want to live in a affordable place to rent by yourself you have to go through letting agencies, which do not let you have a place anyway without the support backing from a parent, and then on top of that hundreds  of fees etc.

So for me this all impacts my mental health a lot, that is why i talk about it a lot, because its about time, funding and knowledge on how to do with the issues get sorted.

Anyway back to the meeting, Mark from the country Council had a lot of good points he was speaking about, i cant remember what they were but it seemed there was a common theme on what services needed to be looked at for 2018.

After this we was then given 5 sliver stars, to confirm these choices, or even change a few if we felt from the discussion of the group that we put a star on a wrong topic.

One of the topics i noticed had a lot of stars, which would of also been from the other tables of people, was Mental health in Children, which was great as i suppose it is good to crack down on the issues at hand so they stand a better chance later in life.
It did confuse me towards the end when is table got to talk to the others about what they felt needed to be looked at that,  everyone in the meeting all highly expressed about the mental health services and yet there was only a few stars, for the adult services of mental health.
Something that is clearly lacking in Lincolnshire.
its also the case that although it was good to put our point across, the results of the day, did not reflect much, as across Lincolnshire there was 7 of these meetings,which meant they would be putting all the results from across the border, totally to tally what areas need looking at the most.
Another thing that i felt was a little pointless was the idea of the stars, fair enough it was a way to gather the results but it some way it felt tacky, more so when we had to confirm our choices again ??

Mentioned was that, at some point, do not know when, they would be contacting smaller groups for more input, which i guess its about trying to see if those results match the larger groups but dont see how it would make to much difference.

on the other hand, its about time Lincolnshire holds more Public meetings, to discuss topics at hand.
To my surprise toward the end of the meeting i got chance to have a long talk with, Marianne Jane Overton, Known From the Lincolnshire Independents.
I had met her a few times, and even got to do a video Type Interview, last year, i will leave the link to that at the end of this blog.

She seems to be everywhere in the past year, always making strong points, and trying to be a part of moving Lincolnshire forward (:

My overall experience that it was good to be part of something, that i could really talk about, and get involved with, i had never done anything like that before and it felt good.

In terms of the meeting, again this was only one part of the process, to me no matter what we discuss, you have so much lies with services not only In Lincolnshire but with NHS, Hospitals closing, funding not being there, and well i could go on all day but i wont (:
lets just say until, The Nhs is a little more fixed, the issues in the meeting, will be a very slow process moving forward, People might be asking why are they are going to focus on some areas and not others.
In a perfect world it would be great to be able to have the funding, staff etc to be able to fix everything, but with limited things, i suppose all we can do is focus on the areas that matter the most (:

If you want to see some of the photos i took, of the topics that were at the meeting please check out my photography page.
If you have any questions about the event, please feel free to ask, i cant say i would be able to answer fully but i can give it a shot (:

I hope this blog, information post helps, in some way, of letting people know whats going on in Lincolnshire (:

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How my Mental Health has stopped me from doing what i want in life | DanielMarshallAdventures

A week a go i wrote a blog post about the toughest physically week ahead, My plans were to write a blog post about how my photography has improved over the last year, but also another post about how i coped with the week.

Instead of writing how good the week has been instead there are things in my life i need to reflect on and it was not until this challenging week that is has really opened my eyes.

As i blog a lot i will try not to repeat much of what i have talked about considering my mental well being.
At the same time trying to get across what goes on in my life for those people who have not read any other of my posts before.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but it was not until the start of 2016 i decided to get help.
When i needed the help at my worst stage i could not even talk about it or even start to feel about for at least 5 months.
I had 12 weeks of counseling, in those sessions i would be digging up my deep past about my parents.
Who i choose to no longer to speak to and its been nearly a year since i have spoken to them.
They are part of the reason why i am the way i am, and why i suffer badly with depression.
A lot of people when you say i never want to see or hear from my parents again, look down on you, like you might not want to be a part of there lives now but you might want to be later in life.
Which well may be true but the way i feel at the moment not caring what they think about me, i am much better off without them, not feeling like a failure not having to look up to them, they never really tried to understand me, and this last year has been a great discovery about myself.
Learning that i do have some problems but also i am great at certain things to.
In the 12 weeks sessions i talked about how i struggle to cook, how i am not dumb i know what to do but my body sometimes does things differently, I talked about the break up with my ex.
I was told different coping methods, and to take each day as it comes.

over the 12 weeks, I started to feel better in myself, but i was still having days of not doing anything, not being able to hardly move, crying thinking of the past, then crying over nothing.
most days i felt so tired so weak, that all i wanted to do was sleep.
After having the sessions i was told that i could not get anymore help for 3 months, which i had to re apply to get the help.

In that time, I tired to snap myself out of my looping life, by going for walks trying to improve my stamina, and learn about photography.
Around this time i had moved into a wonderful shared house, which to me felt perfect and luxury.
The landlords were amazing, and often talked to them about things.
However about a month of feeling settled, my silly brain reverted back to getting into states, I was struggling to sleep, the bed which was like a cloud, felt horrible, and my room everyday felt smaller and smaller.
The reality was i was started to not feel right were i was even though at the same time it was everything that i needed? odd how you can have conflicting emotions like that.

One day i just said to myself right enough of this i need to change something in my life,
so i started playing tennis, started going to the gym, I slowly was also helping my local community.
Around the year of 2016 things were looking a bit better, but i know i still needed help, I put in a self referral form In November and was told in December that at the start of 2017 i could have some more sessions.

I had 5 sessions yes only 5 of Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Which worked on coping methods a bit more, seeing if certain things was the cause of the problems.
For me most of the time there is no trigger why i feel the way i do.
Although the physically activities have made me feel somewhat better, and others it has not, and i still have a lot of days where i fall apart over nothing.

The second to last session, I had enough of not getting the support i needed i poured my heart out telling the chap from the mental health team how i feel.
He told me i can look into weather we can put you into higher care, to see what else we can do for you.
The week after which was my last session i get told i had a word with team and we dont think your at that level where you need the care.

I didnt say this to him but really felt like saying it, which is so god for bid if i have some good days that i sometimes score low on your sheets, and that just because i do not score over 20 on your out of date, scoring that i do not need the help.
The Fact is The mental health services in lincolnshire, have been getting worse and worse every year.
Because i have been helping out with the local community but also learning what is going off the world, i know what is also happening to our NHS.
Which mental health is a part of the funding the NHS get to help people who suffer with issues.
I went to a lincoln last year to watch a county council meeting, and one of the points was talking about the closures and downgrades to mental health services.

The Fact is i do no want to live this way in my life, and when you cant get the help what can you do other then keep trying to fight through it which at times seems impossible.

Most doctors In Lincolnshire do not even understand mental health and there solution to it is to tell you to get over it, that we all have bad days..... oh and here are some anti depressants.

After a year being told back and forth from the doctors and the mental health team that i do not need them, i then get given them, which i stopped taking after 2 weeks.
Main reason was i was finally getting the physical strength i needed to be stronger, and as soon as i started taking them i felt so weak.
I could not lift weights at the gym from when i first started, i was getting massive headaches, i could barely walk, and all the time i felt tired even after getting a good amount of sleep.
So i stopped taking them, Now yes i still feel very low on days but i felt stronger, and better able to cope with not being on them.

Oh i also forgot to mention that the doctor who gave me tablets was a different doctors, as this year after being with the same doctors since moving to Grantham and them not helping me, i decided to change.
Which did not help as i saw 2 different doctors who told me like i mention to get over it (: yeah such really educated staff... not!!!

Anyway fast forwarding , I knew i was not going to get any help any time soon, i just kept fighting the depression back, trying new things out, to get myself out of the house, and joined up with a running club, so i was now doing running 2 times a week, tennis 3, and gym, 3-4 times a week.

At the start of this week, I was having very vivid and long dream, that when waking up i was remembering most of what i was thinking about.

which happens hardly ever, but on top of that i do not know why my brain just kept thinking of the things that i had dreamt about throughout the day, it felt like my life was on auto pilot and that was not really doing anything during the day.
It was also extremely hot and had been all week, which anything over 20c and i really struggle, i get headaches i can not focus on what i am doing, and i find most of my days in bed letting time fly by.

Monday night was a lot cooler, as i completed a 7k run, which i really struggled with and fighted to keep going i got back home my feet killing, legs felt like rubber and i felt good that i went for the run but i also felt low, and felt miserable again for no reason.

I woke up Tuesday not feeling great but knew i had to snap out of it as I had a important rest of the week to go, so i booked a tennis court to practice ready for the match, and then find myself leaving after a hour as i could not cope with the heat.

Still not feeling well on Wednesday i had 2 hours of tennis, but also the final run to end the coach to 5k course i had been doing with the running club.
It was over 20c as we set off running, and 4 times i had failed to do 5k only managing 3k due to the heat and that day was no exception.
In fact it was one of the worse runs i had done, I loved the route we went on but i was struggling so much, that i really did not feel well when i got home, and i think i pulled something in my leg.
Hoping it would heal because going onto the day where is why i am writing this blog post, the biggest test of my life so far.
I had been asked to play in a team for tennis club, a month a go, and with 2 matches having to be cancelled i was really looking forward to it.
The weather also a little cooler as well so i did not have to worry about not feeling well.

I got there early to work on my serves, and just before we started we was told the match format.
So in tennis the score are, 15-30-40 game etc and depending on how well the other team play , the scores can be 15-15, 30,30-40-40 and then going to deuce and advantage etc.
After which 1 game would be won, so when your told your going to be playing 13 games, in 3 doubles matches making it 39 games, that really knocked my confidence before it has began.

I wanted to enjoy the matches but also play the best i have ever done, and well the people me and my team mate were playing was just out of this world.

People who had been playing for 20+ years with such powerful serves making it hard to get a return back.

After a hour, i was starting to feel ill, my feet heavy, my vision going strange and playing like i forgot how to play,

I started to get frustrated at myself and missing most of the serves, and the more i tried the worser my game got.

I also kept forgetting where to postition myself, as in doubles you have to much to think about.
If your team mate has a strong serve meaning its hard for the other team to return then you have to be close to the net, and then stand back to the line for the second serve if he misses.
then if your team mate is serving and your at the net, its deciding where to postion yourself on every shot, do you stay at the net in case they hit a soft shot you can counter, if they hit it close to the net but on the other side of the court you then have to chase for it.
Or even having to run backwards if they try to lob it over you.

I am not going to into all the details of tennis but trust me when i say that is only 1 set of things you have to think about when playing tennis.

I enjoy tennis the most, but i have never played at a competitive level, and that is only 1/5 of the skill level i would say, i think a lot of times people who watch tennis who have never played it.
Go oh its just hitting a ball, how boring, or that looks easy, when trust me you will not be saying its easy when you have a go playing in a tough competitive game.
Most sports are the same, they look easy but you do not realize how much physically strength is needed, the things you need to learn about, your brain makes so many decisions within just a second its amazing.

For me i am no where near the physically standard i need to be, and although i enjoy everything i do, its really took its tole.
Because i suffer most days with my stupid depression i have to push myself to try even harder and most days after coming back from running or tennis, i end up doing mostly nothing else all day.
Having to soak my feet in a bowl for a hour trying to get them to heal, while trying to stop my shoulder and legs from hurting.
which then makes me feel low because i hurt so much and the cycle never stops
Now people who do not know me, may go really all this because you do rubbish on your first big match, grow up, etc.
Its not just the fact of the match, i felt like this for weeks, in pain i know sport is never a easy things but if its really hurting so much that it also makes you feel rubbish about yourself then you start to think is it worth it.
I just starting to burst out crying, my head banging, i got hardly any sleep, and woke up feeling dizzy.
I got out Friday to have a game of pool with some friends for a hour but even that i was struggling and just wanted to go home to go to sleep.

Expect for the physically i also feel as a person that i am looping back to how i was when my depression first hit.
my aniexty being a bit factor that i cant go to a event without the stupid thoughts in my brain thinking people are laughing at me or looking at me funny even though i know they are not my brain at the time thinks otherwise.
I struggle to talk to people as in a normal conversation, and in the last few months that has only gotten worse.

If a photo is being taken, i tend to hide away, even though i am confident of taking selfies and taking photography. ... confused ???

I have missed so much in my life because of my own actions, i missed Park run today which was Our runnings club Graduation because i feel so rubbish but also just feeling so confused weather i should stop playing tennis and doing the running.

I miss out on going to events with friends because of either money or again knowing that i would want to leave or not feel right.

Even today there is a carnival going with lots of things going off that i want to capture photography.
But instead i am sat not feeling well, sat in my own stupid miserable thoughts.

I went out to get shopping this morning, and my legs just hurt so much, weather that is from pulling something from tennis or that could even be my depression making me feel worser then i am.

I do not want much in life, but the one thing i wish i could have would be getting help that i need.
what breaks us makes us stronger, i have said that a lot, but even at times i question that saying.
So i might bounce back stronger then i am feeling but again at what cost if everytime it bounces me back to how i feel right now, confused on what i wanna do in life.
I thought i had my depression at least a bit under control and that i was happy because i was changing my life, i was stronger happy, i made friends, i help my community, and i had at least something to do everyday, now i just feel like a wreck.
My friends say to maybe take one thing off your list your doing, but there lies the circle again, when i dont have a lot of things to do, my demons fight back, and on the other hand when i am doing so much, that i have no strength to fight they can win anyway .. AHH!!!!

I just wish that i could be a normal person, in society terms that i could just hang out with friends have a night out listing to music, and enjoying life, i want to explore and there is so much i wanna do, but just end up living the same circle off staying in a room on my computer, ahh life.

The only good thing i can say is that the last few months mental health has been talked about more and more, and i have started to surrounded myself with people who understand.
To me if i am friends with someone who tell me to get over it then, they are not my friend and they do not understand what i go through.
so my advice to everyone is, people who suffer are not classed as mental just because it has mental in the title, we all suffer from mental health, at some point in our lives, its not nice and at times we need to have that support that care from friends, etc to bounce back, so please if you have a friend who is struggling, reach out to them, talk to them and help, them, even if you cant help try and find someone who can (:

Thank you for reading

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