The Month that has shocked me the most in my life | Looking back at January 2018 !!! | Daniel Marshall Adventures

I made the Decision only a few weeks into January that i wanted to change the way i write what is on my mind.
Instead of just writing a long post about a topic when i felt like it, i came up with the idea of setting myself a goal each month to talk about how a month has gone.

This month has had a few ups and downs but its the best month across the years, and when i say its not really been that eventful to compared to other months in my life you will know why its been the best !!!! (:

Now although this post is about January i wanted to inc a magical experience at the end of December 2017

I had decided That although i loved Photography, it had been acting as a shield to defend my anxiety, a way i could go to events and be around a lot of people and cope a bit better.
However that only made me not feel safe or happy whenever i decided to go without the use of my camera, it made dealing with people even harder. So i decided to put photography to one side for the time being.
On the 30th December was an experience like living a dream, and when i look back i wish it never ended !!!

I went to see CJ Hatt a musician I have seen so many times now and can never get enough of listening to him live, he brings humor, a talkative and killer list of songs to perform to every gig he goes to.

The place was Castlegate In Grantham, and with it being a few days before the new year i expected the place to be really busy, instead it still had a lot of people but the right kind that made my night special.

I went without my bag, without my camera and just experienced his pure talent, being relaxed and having a blast.
Now when i say i kind of danced even though i can not at all !!! it pushed my safe zone so much but was glad that so many people understood and tried to just make me come out of my comfort zone.

CJ started to play a frozen song that he nailed which was requested by one of the viewers,
every song he played and sung was him playing at his best.
The mood of the place was amazing, everyone dancing and enjoying the end of 2017.
I was offered to dance so many times that in the end i was given no choice haha,
Although i was so anixous, shy and just well over thinking everything, it was a experience that i have always wanted, just to be able to be me, and join in with everyone.
I admit seeing everyone else always have fun no matter how much you try to look on the bright side always makes you feel a little sad.
Sad that you are not Joining in, and to not only feel more free dancing but to just let my hair down and sing along to the songs to.

I had never been surround by so many people that believed in the person i can be and just really opened my eyes on what i had been missing because i either took my camera or did not turn up because i knew i would not feel right (:

 
Fitness never stops even on the first day of 2018 !!! It had been so cold Throughout December but i never gave up going to the gym and playing tennis.
I do not know what came over me but i just felt like starting the year with my first outside run in many months.
So I put on My Myzone belt, Started from Grantham college, and worked out a route i wanted to take, and just kept it steady, making sure not to over do it since i was not used to running in the cold.
My idea was that i wanted to slowly get back into outdoor running to train myself to be able to run again at park runs.

I have used the belt while working out at the gym, and playing tennis but never when on a run, so i was shocked and happy to see my stats when i got back, to see that my peak heart rate was high when i was not even pushing at my best (:

Sadly i had a feel down days after that due to coming down with a bad illness and it being 2 years since i split up with my ex, I mentioned her a fair bit in my blogs so i wont say anymore (:

Despite that small set back, i powered through my illness still being me, still enjoying life and being happy with tennis and gym.

In Fact The start of 2018 has been very cold, but i have also surprised myself as normally i can not take the cold, i also bury myself in bed and get bad headaches from the cold.

So as well as being able to power the cold, i was breaking my own fitness records at the gym classes.
I was able to put even more effort in, still be me, still have fun and be very competitive.
I was proud of myself because i maintained a high average effort, a high average heart rate and even though i was coughing and felt like collapsing i pushed myself to get a high heart rate as well (:

I think the key to my fitness and success is that i do try for someone, i do not try to impress people, I just bring me to everything i do, my personality, and of course i would not have the same push and be happy without the people i have surrounded myself with.
When i am in the classes, yes i am battling to win the class but i am surrounded by awesome music, awesome motivation by the staff, and the awesome people in the classes !!!!

Its the same at tennis and that is why this whole month has been some of my best tennis matches, some of best playing, and why tennis this month has been the most fun.
As soon as i stopped worrying so much with what i could not do and what things i really kept trying to do over and over, getting really stressed and failing, I became more happy.

In a way i take Physical Strength very serious, its helped me no end to not only get stronger, which has helped me played amazing shots and run for balls i never thought i would get, to helping my mind with my mental health.

In a way its not me being Negative i guess but the gym and Tennis is all i have in my life.
Yes i have photography but that is something i have had to have a long think over.

I can not Believe i am writing this but expect for taking pics of my muscles and myself, I have not taken any Photography in over a month.
I have not even gone for any walks like i normally used to do 1-2 times a week.
I simply just focused on the love of tennis, and getting stronger at the gym, filling my life, with the people in my life and just living in the moment rather then having to capture it.

I love photography, and i love seeing what people capture, but it no longer takes over my life as must as it used to.
Its good sometimes to have a break from something as you get to gather information and then almost start from the beginning looking what works and what does not.

For example, I knew from day one from experience Prior Before buying the same Camera i have used in the past that its not good in low light and not got a great zoom, in the best mode to capture photography which is the Raw Format.
I know from looking back at my work that night photography is not capable with my camera, and that indoor photography with low lighting again will not take great pictures.

So I use this Information to form a plan on what i should work on, Which is mostly Outdoor events as my skill is taking pictures of people.
I know my Camera can be great in black and white for photography of live music with poor lighting, or lighting that has a lot of different colours going off.
If i shoot in anything other then Raw yes i may get the very slim chance of a unique shot, and yes i can zoom further but when it comes to Editing where my other skill comes into play, i dont have near enough tools at my disposal.

So my camera may have a lot of flaws but it also has a very Uniqueness when it comes to Using Photoshop to edit them !!!

Then there is my Video Production side, I gave up the idea ages a go of even trying to spend so many hours, of learning trying to turn my videos into Professional content.

I do not have the top of the range computers, so if i am doing a big project, it will often crash, go slow and then there is having to use public WiFi of the cost of a drink in order to upload the Video.
I have a portable wifi Device due to Living in Temp Housing and arent allowed to have The likes of Virgin etc Installed even though it would save trips and money  to places with decent wifi.

If i was being paid for my work it would not be so bad but i do this with my own time and money.
Why???? Well its simple my video quality will never be that high enough for money to be made.
I wouldnt want it any other way, Its to stressful i have been there and done that.
For me I may only make say 5 videos a year but i do them to help the local community that in it self its my reward, I admit sometimes it gets stressful as i want to do a good job but overall i enjoy seeing the finished product and seeing the comments and shares.

Again its Balancing your life, Trying to compete with other local video Production companies but to much stress to the point i lose interest in the whole Production side.
To some my life may not be much but i have had to get up everyday and force myself just to be where i am now.
If my physical health was took away from me and my photography, i would be where i was 2 years a go, in pieces, getting stressed, upset for hours everyday, and simply not wanting to live.

I may post a lot on my Facebook how happy a session has gone and how my physical health has improved so much, again its all i have and i strive to always push my limits, to better, achieve at what i know i can do.

Only the other day I sat and laughed and thought in a way i have always been really good at things that have a competitive and adrenaline edge to them.

I haven't done Gaming in over 2 years but when i was gaming i used to do it 4+ hours a day,
The games i was really good at was racing, i spent so much of my life clued to it.
Going online on my fav game Driveclub, and Competing in Timed events, doing lap after lap trying to get into the top 100 haha.

When i finished school, i picked up golf very quickly and was good at it, I used to do Badminton and was extremely good at it, see the pattern yet haha.

If i am given a target, i excel and i think that is why i win classes at the gym and why I am able to be so happy, because i am getting that Pure craved Adrenaline rush.
When i am in that nothing else matters, no bills no having to worry about my future etc just me having the time of my life.

I came away from having a lot of things in my life, to barley having anything it took time but because the one thing which was gaming that used to take so much of time up had gone i was forced to find something else i could pour my heart into.

Yes i do miss gaming, but i would rather be outside using that same drive into tennis, i would rather get stronger then be a couch patio (:

Just because i seem to be happy a lot does not always mean i am, i have started to try and post less negative things on social media mainly because my life as a whole is much better then it used to be.

By doing that though just make you think that i am happy all the time, and this month i have had a few small wobbles Depression and aniexty are still there and will always be there.

I think one of the most common used words that is used to motivate someone but sometimes no many how many times its said and by how many people does not mean it works for everyone.
That word being come out of your comfort zone !!!!

For me, i have this battle most days and most of the time its autally in my happy places.
So for example the classes, i have mentioned this before in a blog which is the watt bike classes.
Yes i am in a room with people, but the bikes are facing at a screen and so are you, watching every second as your percent goes up and down making sure your in the right zone.
You have not got time to worry about others in the room because of that rush you are getting.

Many times i have been asked to join in classes like boxing, circuits and others but i do fear i will never have the courage to do them.

This is because of 2 big reasons, one is the fact is often takes someone showing me over and over in order to do something because of my Dysprixa, this will then take a lot of time from others in the class as well as feeling stupid in front of others because i can not the simple workouts.

I still have to have my friend at the gym, helped with getting my arms and body in the right postitions for some workouts, and even after being shown, i get so frustrated, i do not show it but at times i just feel like punching the wall or going home as i know how to do the silly workout but my body wont listen.
This is some kind of good that comes from that as i use that anger to channel my strength in order to lift and do higher weights then i would think possible, again its that aderlaine  rush.

Combine looking like a idiot with not being comfty around people does not make a good mix.
Then it becomes annoying because it looks like i am always avoiding people or there seems something quite not right with me.

That is why I celebrate a lot when i do achieve something that others may do quicker or a lot better as it took me a while to get there and of course i am then happy i have done said thing.

From learning about myself is again that pure drive, Ok by the end of playing tennis or the gym class i am shattered beyond belief, its not because i have no stamina, its because i put everything into it.
at tennis even if the shortest shot has been played, i will run like there is no tomorrow and pull of some out of this world shots.
I could be losing in a match, my opponent making me run for every ball, sweating, aching but i will not give up and again am able to pull off shots out of no where, feet hurting about to give in and still have that drive to keep pushing.

At the gym is the same for the classes last few mins of the class, feet hurting, I know if i back off i end up losing to someone else after doing so well, so i push through that pain barrier in order to find an extra charged battery and go even faster then i had throughout the session.
I may end up most of the time hurting myself but that is me i am a fighter and the only way to break records is to always push your limits.

That is why a wonderful person last year posted this at the park run !!!
it was i think only my 3rd parkrun it got to last bend and in all honestly i was in massive pain.
I had already stopped for a few seconds 3-4 times across the event, but i saw someone i knew that i wanted to finish in front of them, and is was like Turbo just kicked in, from out of no where i rushed past so many people to the finish line, like that was i was done out of it, one turn back and yet I managed to kick it into overdrive !!!

It really is amazing how far you can push your body, Most of the fight is always in your brain its your brain that tells you, you are in pain, and ok sometimes is best not to push but if you always listened to your brain you would never get anywhere !!!!

Doing anything physical does not fix your issues but it does make you more happier it does make you have a better outlook in life.

Is has been hard to try and do new things in my life but i have so many barriers stopping me,
I have never been a social person, even though that is what i crave so much,

Even though i have friends and even though i know a lot of people at the gym and tennis, i am so caught up having fun doing what i am doing that being social kind of goes out of the window.

I do not seem to have that capable switch in order for myself to force my social side out, no matter how much i try, the most i seem to be able to do is say hello, how are you, or if a talking point is made after that i go quiet, and then act awkward.

I still keep trying, for me even if i am not talking much just being around people and listening to what they have to say makes me happy at least it keeps my brain from thinking bad things.

That it why i was so happy months a go to find the Magic Cottage In Grantham, to be able to go there laid back social meets once a month, and just be around amazing people.
I was so happy for the owner to say at the last social only last week that they were expanding after only a year of opening as a business (:

For me its good to not only be able to help a business with my photography but be a part of the growing of the businesses.
Networking is a power tool, and it has helped me a little with being social.
My happiness comes from seeing others happy, from seeing businesses grow and that then turns into inspiration to try/ improve my own skills.

Its odd because when i look back at the start of 2017 It may have had a lot more things going off then the start of this year, due to starting new things, and coming out of my shell more.
However the start of this year has been my most happiest and less busy month.
I think what has surprised me the most has been my will power through the cold, to be able to play tennis at 2 degrees and play my best game after game, to compared to last year where the cold just was making me ill.

I did have a small scare a week back when i started to get what i thought and others thought other then the doctors a migraine.
I suffer when its cold anyway and always get headaches, but last week the pain was in one place at the top of my head, i could feel my heart beating through it and every time it pounded it hurt so much that i was in total pain.
It got that bad that i do not normally give up on things it takes a lot but coming back from playing tennis it felt like i was about to pass out, i got home, crawled into bed and went to sleep.
Only after a hour of trying to sleep did it stop and with help from taking tablets i had over from recovering from my illness i had weeks before.

The next day it hurt really bad again so i went to the doctors and said it was not a migraine but just could be sinuses from my illness just gone.
for about 5 days now its not bothered me so i am hoping he was right and it does not come back as i never had headaches that bad in my life.

So overall this month may not have been anything special but at least my depression has not been bad.

Its taken time to get the right sort of people in my life, who listen, who understand and can see potential in me.

No matter where you live even in a great place like Grantham you will always get those who judge you on your past, how you look etc.

I will not mention names but i have had to deal with a few people this month who did look down on me because of my looks, who did look down on me because of my past, and people who tell people to stay away from me.

Its sad really that these people have the time to waste their own lives, they get off on hurting people and trying to make that person not have friends, when in reality they are just wasting their time.
Maybe at the start of 2016 it would have hurt me but now i have great friends, and yes i might want to expand on the people i have in my life and meet new people.
For now though i am happy with who i have in my life, i would rather have a small group of people then have idiots who just want to bring you down (:

So to bring this blog to a end, on the 3th February I get to go to London again as i did last march to march with lots of people to save our NHS !!!!

Its going to be a very long day and a long week, as we will be leaving just after 7 which means i need to be up just before 6am, we wont be back in Grantham, till around 7pm.
I then need to quickly sort through my photography and get at least a few good pictures up from the day to get them out there.
I then throughout the week need to spend time editing the rest which i expect over 100.
If that was not enough, i need to sit through tons of video footage and put Together a video of the day and then once that is all done, do social media marketing, and put a blog post up about the event !!!!
phew ....

Its hard work but its what i love and even if it helps one person i am happy (:
So there you go that has been my month, i do not know what February will bring, but i hope the weather gets warmer and i hope for good things (:
Thanks for Reading





 

Trent Vineyard 17-12-17- Feeling like my True self,Family service | Daniel Marshall Adventures

This Blog post is to Highlight The wonderful place that is Trent Vineyard and to explain that you do not need to be Religious in order to join or experience the wonderful things that go off (:
A few months back I went with James Pitcher and the family To Trent Vineyard for the very first time.
I had got to know James Through Grantham Tennis Club, months later i had written on social media about wanting to try different things in life when James Told me about The Church they go to.
I was meant to write a post about the experience, as we also went into the amazing War Hammer HQ.
I never got around to writing it. A few weeks later i started to but then felt it was to late to post about the day out.

Today I made the trip with them again as James was performing with the band for the Family Service. so I decided that this time i will blog about the experience as i want to explain why i felt so happy being there and why i was able to be myself, something which is very hard for me to do.


When James Invited me to go months a go i did not know what to expect, Trent Vineyard is not your Normal type of church, is it based in a massive Warehouse, It has Live music that is really out of this world and the talents there are mind blowing, it has Free Refreshments when the services are on and The Vineyard has Several big sections to the place and Looking to expand with a Children's Centre next year !!!

 
As you can see from the pictures its huge, picture do not do it justice as the pic above is only the main part of the Building.

The First time i went I felt so Equipment Envy, with being into media and seeing all the cameras and tech i just felt like Geeking out haha.
It was a first time in a long time being around a lot of people as i suffer bad from anxiety on top of being really shy anyway.
I came away feeling so pumped after the live music, and the amazing atmosphere that its no wonder i went back again Today.

Me, James and his Family left Grantham at 8.20am as James had to get there early to do sound tests with the band before the service started.

He was telling me that he did not leave Nottingham The day before until 12 at night due to Having the first practice with the band. It was also amazing to know that he had written and Produced one of the songs.

Trent has its own record Label so any music made is under that label (:
here is a small write up about is on the Trent Vineyard website which ill put the link to it at the end of this post (:

Worship is more than music. To us, it’s the act of freely giving our love to God in all that we do and we believe that giving in worship is the key to finding Him at work in our lives. Music is just one of the many ways we worship at Trent Vineyard. During our Sunday services we love to sing songs to God, lifting Him up, giving thanks for all He is and has done in our lives and telling Him how much we love Him.

What we sing is very important to us and that’s why we write and sing our own songs. Over the years, we've recorded a number of albums which you can listen to and buy at Vineyard Records. You can also search over 700 songs written in Vineyard churches from all around the world at vineyardsongs.com including many of ours.

So we all arrived and i can to see James in action as he was playing Guitar. you had someone on Keyboard, bass Guitar, Drummer and Vocalists.

From even the Practice runs the band sounded amazing, as always even though i wanted to watch James my eyes and ears focused more on the drums, its just how i am i am so drawn to the skills of drumming (:
James was telling me that the sound does an amazing job as you have to make sure everyone can hear whats going off in their ear so thats what sound tests are so key before the real deal, as you dont want someone out of tune, not singing the rest part or not being heard because the volume is to low or to high !!!

As time went by People started to turn up for the service, inc Kids that were also going to perform with dances.

What is cool before the session starts is they play upbeat music just in the background so its lively but also they have a countdown to when its about to start up on the big screens that you can see in the picture above.
These screens will always show the person/people talking/ performing so people who are at the back of the venue can see, they will often show the lyrics to the songs as well on screen (:

It was now getting really packed, and even though i was at the front, my heart was racing i kept looking around me, and feeling very anxious being around people.
That being said The vineyard is truly an magical experience when both times of visiting and the powerful music comes on did i find myself not only standing up, but singing something i only ever do in bedroom so that no one can hear other then my housemates.

What is magical about the whole place is the fact it can still keep the faith, and traditions but bring it into the modern world, to get kids of their Technology to sing, dance and enjoy music like really should be known Nationally its that good.

After a few songs, there was a small break Followed by some Dancing and a small video that kids from the Youth Group took part in.

Which is another amazing factor about the place that kids can enjoy arts and crafts sports and much more, there are student nights that go off, lots of projects for people to help out in the local Environment, like Gardening, and there is even small groups that people can get together and meet new people (:


Next up on the family service  was a really fun Game for Kids to enjoy and put a smile on my face, 3 people got in Inflatable raft type things,  the room would be split into 3 groups and on screen would be something you had to act out for the people on the stage to guess.

The person on stage that lost the round got a pie in the face, at the end of every round, sweets would be thrown in the air to the kids at the front to have (:

This then followed and i am really sorry i can not remember there names but 2 people got into a raft and got dunked as a send off as it would be there last Christmas service due to helping expand in the church into another location.
I think this is awesome that the place has grown so much since it first started and that other places around the world should experience what the one in Nottingham has to offer (:

The band came back on to finish up and now i was singing much louder, i felt at home, at peace, i felt so happy to not only be watching my friend Perform but just be myself not having to worry about anything.

In fact Towards the end i suddenly felt like crying, for many reasons.
I was Born In Nottingham, but never really fitted into society, my parents did take me to anything like this, i was never apart of a group, and it really got me thinking about life.

I have made a home In Grantham, its the place where i have managed to connect with so many people, and be happy, and yet for the first time in a long time i kind of wished i did live back In Nottingham and that i was a kid again.

My mental health plays a big part in my life, and because of that i find it extremely difficult to not only manage each day but to be social around others.
They may be events and things to be a part of in Grantham that i have not fount yet however after only going to 2 services at Trent, it feels like its where my life needs to be.

I wish i was a kid so that i could Dance on stage, i could feel free and be happy not being an adult and having to worry about adult things, just having youth on my side and taking part in projects and being a free spirit.

The past few months have been very hard as I have lost a lot of passion and drive for a lot of things, and i feel i do not know where my path lies.
However after today i have some kind of idea what i would like to do.
That is even if its in Grantham i would like to be apart of projects i would like to help people in need.
I would like to find my passion again for photography and help cover more events and places so that people can experience the best of things in life.

I would like to become more social and show the world the real me that i control my health and that i wont feel the need to leave something due to my aniety that i can stay and enjoy the day.

The Service today at Trent really opened my eyes to what i have been missing out on in life.
That although I have made a home in Grantham its time to start exploring, to open different paths, still taking what i have learned and still have the awesome people in my life but making way for a happy and brighter Future.

I have the wonderful James and Izzy to thank for inviting me along to Trent, and to the concept of church which i even admit when they first mentioned it my first thought was boring, sitting hearing people talk about Jesus etc.
Trent is more then just a place to learn about God, its a place to bring people Together, my only regret is not knowing about the place sooner, but i will always life by the rule that everything happens for a reason, you need the good and the bad times in your life in order to learn, to change, to re discover who you are, and connecting to people that will always be by your side (:

I can Honestly say that Trent has changed so many peoples lives and i hope they keep growing they keep making people happy and having all the wonderful memories to look back on !!!

So why not pop along to one of the services, and see what you think, tell your friends, family
and help spread the word (:

Thank you for reading and if you would like to know more information about Trent  then please see below

https://www.facebook.com/trentvineyardchurch/
http://trentvineyard.org
https://soundcloud.com/trentvineyard
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/trent-vineyard-talks/id1081362043?mt=2

What i have learned about myself about the past year, and the future | DanielMarshallVlogs

When I decided to take blogging serious, the idea was to make it a platform to help the local community, over time that expanded to my adventures in life.
At the moment though i feel its the only place i can be true to who i am, not being afraid of who knows,weather that be friends, the local community, even people i have networked with or may network with in the future.
Over the course of the last year, i have lived by the rule of if i can not be who i am then i am lost,
I would rather make loads of enemies and have a small selection of the best people in the world, then have people who i hardly talk to, or do not understand me.

So what i am about to talk about, is my life, its who i am, i take each day as it comes, and i hold no regrets on what i say because people can choose not to read my blogs, choose not to like me as a person, laugh etc, you can not please everyone, or even make every understand, all i try to do is have a place where i can get my thoughts out, and help people understand a little more about the person i am Behind a computer screen and in real life (:

Now for me, i often feel the need to blog, or feel inspired in some way, when i have watched a movie, tv show or even videos on Youtube.
I will often Relate to that thing, as i find if i reference something, its easier for my brain to get the information out i am trying to say or write.
I used to be with someone years a go, who used to have a right go at me for doing this, and ok i can understand that it may have been annoying but if that is sometimes how i get what i need to say out then i really dont see there being a issue around it (:

So for this section i will be referencing DR Foster,
with the show showed whats its like with complex emotions are in play around a child and how much that child trys to shove it back into his head and get on with life, deep inside feelings will always take over how you feel, weeks, month and years later, if something really bad happend in our lives, we often try to bury it so much that, one moment in life it all comes flushing back to the point its to much to cope.
I felt strong emotions towards the show because, although my parents did not cheat, i was in the middle of something i could not escape.
This was for 18 years, suffering with bad depression and aniexty, due to my dad being abusive to my mum.
If it was not the shouting, it was the beating, smashing the house, smashing plates, because oh no why my dad sat doing nothing, and mum was in the kitchen cooking a sunday roast, my dad would complain that the food was never hot enough, or it would be he didnt have enough meat, there was always somethng that was not right, and instead of sorting it out, he took it out by smashing things.
The times he didnt start on my mum, he would start on me, for not being able to tie my laces, saying, he should be able to f... tie them at his age.
My mum tried to teach me but again my dad would always have a go if i did not get it, so of course my self worth and confidence was next to nothing.
Only the last year, have i been able to really understand about my body and about myself, that i have poor hand coordination skills and sometimes i know what i am doing but then my body does not want to do the same, which i have talked about in other blog posts.

Many times i tried to run away, as i could not take living there anymore.
Many times i wanted to be around people, got into Relationships that i could not keep because i loved them but kept pushing them away as i did not want them to be a part of what was going on in my life.
By the time me and my mum managed to move away from my dad, it was to late as my mum was never abusive to me in a physical way, but mentally.
By then i started to get angry and shout back, as i had enough of being pushed from one post to another.
I never wanted to become my dad, i would hate myself if i ever did, but i had a lot of rage inside me because i was just so confused what was going on in my life.
The skills and the way of life to cope as adult was never there for me as most times if i could not do something i was shouted out, instead of understanding why i could not do said thing.

When i Finally got into my first serious relationship, i was very shut off for months, i had got used to shutting myself in my room, playing video games, i was not used to love and affection,
so the first few months we aruged a lot, and almost broke up because i could not cope opening up how i felt around her.

I was with her for nearly 5 years, but as we got more into being with each other, we both, not just one person but both, started getting angry at each other, which then made us both feel depressed at times,
for me i was the one more depressed and because i got used to shutting my side in my room when anything bad happend with my parents, it used to take me ages to calm down to compared to my ex.

Something i do not think she understood at the time, and i never really tried to be open and tell her,
its only been this last year that i have been able to look at my past and realize what went wrong.

We shouted a lot over such stupid things, as a result we ended up breaking up over so many different things, to this day i am still trying to figure everything out.

Although i do think about the past, i do not let it run my live, and my future, you can not and should not bury the past and never think about it no matter how painful it is.
ok do not think about it all the time, but its always good to think through the bad and the good times, that way you can see what went wrong, and not make those mistakes again, but also remember that you had good times, which will stay with you, and make you stronger going forward.

The last month i have been talking about the past a lot, to a private counselor i am seeing which has been good as i have been able to learn so much about myself.

When i was with my ex, she was everything to me, and i used to think that as long as she was happy i was, and that is not really how you should live your live, depending and foucusing your whole life on one person.
I am not saying do not care for the person you are with, but every single person needs to also have their own drive, confidence, self worth, goals, career etc.
You are strong Together as you are apart, if both of you are confident about your jobs your life and where you want life to take you, then that is what makes a good relationship.

When that was took away from me, due to mostly my own actions, I did not care about my life, i had no self worth, i took the cowards way out, and tried to hurt myself, i went into very bad depression.
I had no friends, i refused to be a part of my parents life, as my dad only cared about giving me money and not seeing me, and my mum, just never understood me, i had a few phones calls, and a meet, and you can just tell from the way she talked to me that she had not changed, and felt like she needed to be in control of my life.

So i shut myself off again, i became ill in the sense that, walking to the shop hurt, i was sick a lot due to not eating or overeating because of not eating properly, I would get a lot of pain, hardly any sleep,
I felt like i was going mad at times.

I struggled to cook proper meals for myself and still do a bit, again because its not that i dont know how to cook its my bloody body.

It took 7 months to snap me out of my madness, out of crying everyday, to find a little bit of self worth, through playing tennis and meeting people.
I quickly learned that i had all this strength, being poured from the regrets of life, and letting my self go, that i felt i needed to prove to the world this is not who i want to be anymore.
I had so much fun playing tennis that i felt so happy, it was not only the first thing i had other then sitting on my computer all day, but something that i was starting to get good at.

I have learned that, the worse place my demons take over it sitting in my room, however that is also the place i love the most, but wait you said tennis was???
Tennis is my happy place, but there is any so much your body can take before you just want to go home and relax.
I was brought up with technology, and the love of tv shows and movies, that for me there is nothing better then just being snuggled up in bed watching my really cool stuff.
I try as much as possible to be out and about, but when i feel down, weak, etc my bed and my computer are the things that keep me going, and the place i feel the safest.

Of course the computer has been one of many ways out of my old life and into my new one.
I think of eveything that has had some kind of knock on effect and that without them, I would not be where i am today, starting with going through the princes trust, I would not have got my Dan Media Productions branding, how even though i was a very unconfident person, around others, Give me something i have passion for, and suddenly, i am standing in front of people, giving a 30 second look into what my business is and how it will help you.
That confident i can talk about how video production is done, what you need the creative ideas etc.
I had never had confidence in my life that before and it was great, i got to meet people i would of never thought of, other video creators, social media marketing companies, going on workshops,
it was a transition from being a kid, to an adult.
The knock on affect of my business plan being accepted, getting the funding, to have the camera which not only got me out of the house and helped with my depression a little but has now turned into something far greater, discovering that i have a small skill in photography, and that its growing, quicker then the business of making videos was supposed to.
The affect its had in my confidence to go on the radio, to become more open about who i am and my issues, to keep learning and learning about the world, skills i need, to keep helping the local community.
Just think that if my plan was not accepted by the princes trust, where would i be now in life.
I think i would lost, my depression would of gotten worse then it did and probs done things that until it was to late didnt know i was doing.

I have learned that i have way more strength and will power then i give myself credit for,
but this can come at a cost, I am a very competitive person, not the kind who laughs at others, or winning is everything, but i go out there to aim to win, but to also have fun, playing with people that are better then me gives me more fuel, playing with people that make you laugh, gives me more fuel (:
For me, its silly when i say this but because i dont have someone controlling my life weather that be parents or a loved one, its sometimes hard to know when to stop.
I will keep pushing and pushing doing what i love to the point it hurts, which then will make me feel rubbish about myself, which is then a never ending cycle of beating the demons to only let them win again.
so i have been told that i need to take care more of my body, and if for example at tennis, if i am having a bad day, where i know i feel rubbish, decide to have a break, chat to people and see how i feel rather then thinking itll get better next game, and then leaving thinking why did i ever bother leaving the door this morning.

I do have way more strength then i used to, the depression is still bad but its not everyday, where i am today to compared to the 7 months after the break up, i do feel like a new person, not 100 percent but slowly learning more and more and becoming better (:
No matter how strong i think i am though, i do often have more strength through others,
If i am at the gym, and i am with friends, or with amazing staff, they push me, they can see my drive, and they help to push it further, and often i do acheive better when i am given that little extra push
I am just so happy that i have such amazing people in life at the moment (:

For me i dont know fancy meals out in a pub, or to go on holidays, buy lots of things, ok it would be nice to be able to treat myself a little more, but i dont need tons of money or things to make me happy, doing what i do makes me happy, making others happy, makes me happy.
I think sometimes when we are ruled by having lots of money or surroundings ourselfs in luxury things we forget what we are doing in live and why we are doing it.

Not tons of people but some people work 50+ hours and boast how much money they have, but time is short, and in my eyes what is the point having tons of money and no time to spend it, leaving you maybe one day a month or even a year where you have a massive splash buying things you dont need because look i have lots of money i worked hard for.
In life you need a balance from the amount of hours you work to the amount of time you have to use it, spend time with loved ones etc.

So yeah i dont have a fancy camera, i dont take the best pictures in the world but i sit and learn with what i have got, and i use the knowledge i have took time to learn to help others (:

I might be sad when i say that i could not live without my computer, but without it i would have nothing to learn and block away my demons, without tennis, it would be the same, without gym, i would be weak, i would not have bulit the friends i have and the community i have In Lincolnshire, without all the things that make me, well me (:

My biggest fear at the moment i have found is my aniexty being around others,
I have never been a social person, due to my parents, I do find it hard starting up a talking point to people i dont know, this is why i much perfer for a while talking to people online, that why i can say almost anything i want without the need of feeling shy, feeling scared, being that quiet person who sits in the corner looking silly.

My main issue is not having the same drive i have with sports, and putting into forcing myself to talk to people, although the gym is the most place i talk to people, it is mostly with my friends.
If the staff say hi and want to talk to me, i often end up either repeating myself every time, with hello how are you,  oh thats great music thats on, and sadly thats about all i say.
do i stop what i am doing, and have a real talk with the staff, NO.
I want to but i just then feel awarked and either i focus on what i was doing, or end up leaving.
Its nobodys fault other then my own, people have even said oh just be yourself, i try that and it never happends the way i want it to.

The other problem with aniexty i have is, being around a group of people, i feel on edge, again not myself, i have tried so many times to talk in groups and i know its not for me.
Even going to see live bands, i still feel on edge, sometimes its easier to control then others, but its something that keeps controlling my life and keeps making me miss out on great things.

This next bit i cant remember posting about before, and its something that is totally silly, to some will laugh their socks off, and think its a joke but again i am open, and i will always be, people may say oh but we dont need to know that, well.. oh well, its me, what you gonna do haha (:

Being around Females, of any age, is just as bad as my aniexty.
The first case I remember how bad i was, and to a lot may seemed like i was as society says a freak and i probs still am.
This was starting college in nottingham, and wanting to talk to this girl, not because i liked her, i had never spoken to her, she was in my class, so one day, i wrote on some paper, hi i am really shy, yes i did put this..... and i would like to get to know you, let me know if this is ok !!!
I now look back at that and think what a twat i was, sending a letter to a girl just to ask her to talk to me like wtf daniel haha.

Even when i got girlfriends, talking to them happened by online first before meeting.
Back then and even to this day, I get neverous, if a female sits next to me, not so bad if i really know them, but still, feel on edge and shy, sometimes to the point i will get up and leave and sit somewhere else, i feel on edge if i am at the gym, and i am training on my own, and the manchine i want to use there is a female on the next one, which then i avoid using until shes done, like seriously just go use the dam thing lol.
The worse one is when i am meeting someone new to become friends, and they give you hug, i try as much as possible to avoid it and then just get really shy.
All these issues of mine do annoy me, because its not the person i would like to be.
i want to be able to bring my confidence over from my business like approach into well just being me.
That is the issue that the more and more i get content with being safe, and not pushing myself out of my comfort zone, the worse the issues get !!!

Seriously i really do, do anything to try and hid who i am, sometimes without even knowing i do,
I think in a odd way thats why i have taken to photography in such a passionate way, because i guess its behind a screen haha just kidding (:

Overall, its been a miracle of a year, and at times i wish i could be more, and have more, i have to live each day as it comes, and just keep doing what i live and hope within time, my life will fix itself (:

So there you go, a bunch of things you may or may not have known about me, its been good just to have a few hours to get this of my chest, now i just have to focus my brain onto writing, the blog posts i aimed to do, and even think about getting into writing Stories, that i used to do many years a go !!!!!!

The Toughest Physical week Ahead | DanielMarshallAdventures

I was planning on right a big blog post in a few weeks to describe The Journey with Grantham Running club.

But with so much going on i thought i would explain a few things.

It all started last week really, I had been Training at the gym with my friends for about 6 months now, every month a new training scheme would be in place and our goals would get higher.
Before i started doing a lot of running, my goal was to increase my strength, which was working, but because i was putting my body under so much stress, having tennis and running often the next day, i found myself not having the drive or even the strength to lift what i could.
About 3 weeks a go my friend said he was trying this challenge, which meant using a few different equipment and also pushing everything up, I decided to go along with the challenge and that is when i Decided the workout load was to much and something needed to change.
I sat and worked out the best days i could go, and what equipment i liked using but also how it was going to benefit me.

The one thing i am still rubbish at is names of the gym stuff, so i think not 100 percent sure but the machine i love using is called the dip assist.
I think its the one i love the most out of everything i can use at the gym, and because my grip on things still is not there, like pulling yourself up or hanging onto something for a while, its like a middle ground for me.
What it does is you have a seat sort of thing you kneel on, which is set not to move until you use your body strength to move down.
you grip 2 handle bars and the main focus is on your upper arms using them to bring yourself to the top and back down again.
I normally set out to do 10 lifts, 4 times, and after i have used to my hands do go numb for about a minute but you can certainly feel the difference in your arms.
So the routine i set myself is 3-4 sessions a week, at half a hour, and sometimes 2 sessions a day, but only once or twice a week.
Doing a small bit of cardio, and leg strength just to keep on top of them, as they are used for running.
Rowing, for 5 mins, and then different weight equipment for arms etc.
I do give it my all in that time, and do challenge myself to push the weight up every week.
Rome was not built in a day and sometimes people said oh look already how much muscle i have gained.
Then for it to go a week later, at the moment My muscles have become bigger then in the last 6 months of training and hope to keep on top of it.


The true fact is, i only now have the drive, and knowledge on what i must achieve, thanks to my friends, When i Joined i had not much clue how to use anything yet alone push myself to improve,
i do miss hanging out with them but we all create our own paths and sometimes, what method of improving one self may not work for another you have to create your on path.
Every time i go now i seem very happy, even having a laugh with the awesome team at Feel Good Fitness, and again that is one part that makes me keep going is the hard work the staff put into the place, the challenges, and getting new protein shakes in hehe (:

Phew!! i feel like that was a blog post on its on lol.

Moving on, I am missing some bits out because i want to put them in on the progress post about GRC

Tennis is next on the list, Twice i was looking forward to my first team match at Grantham Tennis Club and both times i have had a call saying its cancelled, so now hopefully this Thursday coming i can play the match.
So I decided to head down the next day and play the social matches they have on at the club.
4 matches i had and in one of them, were 2 amazing top class players, with the fastest serve i have ever seen, and just amazing team work,
I drive myself to get better and better with playing people who are better then me, some people it makes them feel worse about their game but me, i am like if they can do it so can i.
which in another game i had, a chap did a amazing low cross court shot, which i really ran for and was like here have the same shot back !!! hehe.

The last game i took easy, and I had myself another Park Run the next day.
So its still the same day as the park run i am writing this (:
This one i made sure, i got plenty of sleep the night before, made sure to do lots of stretches before the run started, and i honestly felt like this was the one that i would do great as i felt my physical best.

Now for people who have never ran a timed event before with at least 300 people will say its no different to running the same distance with a small group of people just having a jog around the countryside.
You would be so, so wrong,  The brain is the most Frustrating part of it all.
Put me on the countryside run doing 5k, without seeing the course set out in front of you, and talking with people, i do awesome at, put at a place where is a lap event and you can see the course in front of you, wooo, does it mess with you.

The course at belton house, is a 5k run which is 2 laps, it has 4 long straights, 3-4 smaller sections, with is very uneven, and much narrow so fighting for space with the other runners, and then a loop section which is like the final part of the lap, which you think is small, and then suddenly you get half way round and start to struggle.

I Hated the run the first time i ever did it, and swore i would never do it again, 3 runs later and here i am.

So i set off, trying to pace myself, which is very hard, when you a selection of extremely good runners going miles ahead of you, your first instance is to match their pace but telling your brain, no is a battle.

I got half way around the first lap, and noticed a fellow member of the tennis club ahead, and stupidly decided to try and match their pace, worked well up, even slighting passing by, until i started the second lap and hitting massive pain barriers.
I stopped about 5 times, for at least what felt like over a minute each time.
The first turn really caught me as the grass was really thick, my feet felt heavy like i had weights on them, and the more i tried to run through it, the heavier it felt.
After stopping at that section, for a rest, i struggled to keep going, but did as i wanted to finish the park run.
I had in the back of my mind that it felt i was in more pain and doing much worse then my first ever park run.

The last turn was coming up and i gave it everything.
I was shocked when i got home to only be 27 seconds behind my PB of the second time i did the run,
and i clocked in at 30.27.
It made me think, i must have been going at some pace to allow for all the stops i took, and if i did not stop, i know that time would of been around 27.
which just shows, when your in pain, seconds, feel like minutes.

Your brain starts telling yourself your a failure and that you would do worse when in fact i did awesome (:



Feeling Drained and my feet hurting, i got a bite to eat and soaked my feet.
after about a hour oddly i felt great again, so i went out for another social at the tennis club, a few hours later, and had some more great games (:

So now the rest of the week incs, the final 2 sessions of the coach to 5k with the running club, going to gym i think twice this week, maybe 3, doing some more tennis, ready for the match on Thursday, and then on Saturday is our kind of Graduation of the running course.
The final like get together sort of thing was meant to be the 24th but turns out there was no parkrun on that day, as it was going to be park run then BBQ in the evening.
Now its like a park run to end the running course on a high sort of thing, with the BBQ being the weekened after.

So to me this week is a very demanding week, some of the previous run sessions i have struggled with because both of the shoulders were hurting due to playing tennis either the day before or the same day, and when your serving you can pull those muscles when running.
so me being me i like to give the tennis and running my all, even more so with completing the course, so i hope my body pushes through it and i end up enjoying the week.

Being active has certainly made me feel better mentally and physically, i could never expect to be able to keep up with the running, as normally i am a quick runner, but after about 2 mins, that is it, i cant run anymore, so its been great to get over the fear of that and to be as active as i am.
Although i love what i do when i am on the computer, like editing photos, writing these blog posts etc, i still find the place that makes me feel like i am going to be low, cry and not want to do anything is home.
I could not be where i am today without my friends, They give me drive to do well, being a part of these events and meeting amazing people gives me the drive, seeing people do well also has the same impact but its also nice to help back (:

At some point i really want to ask someone in the gym, if they can film me working out so i can show you lot, what its like.

This year so far has gone way past what i wanted and so much more and i hope it can carry on and i can keep making friends.




I hope you enjoyed this post, as much as i did writing it (:
if you are a part of a club, let me know,  if you do running and have entered bigger events like 10k + whats its like, is it much harder etc.

Any questions please contact me on social media, as i mentioned in my last post i am getting a lot of spam, i am also getting a lot of people, commenting 10 times over inc nasty comments, which are being monitored so please the best form of communication between you lot commenting and me replying is either Facebook or twitter links below (:

My social Links

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https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

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What i would do if I had 1 Million Pounds ??? | DanielMarshallAdventures

The last week I Have been so busy Doing Media Production things and i still have even more to do, At the moment i thought i would take a little break and let my brain ponder into writing.

I also have 2 other blog posts which in speaking terms are more important but i do not feel the inspiration to write them at this current time.


The Topic is clear from the title and over the last 6 years i have changed my mind so much weather Money is life, that can money bring you happiness, The short answer is yes money has control over what i want in life and its sad as i try to live my day to day life not worrying about it but at the same time i want so much more in my life right now !!!

I will try my best to stay on topic, i may at times venture off but trust me it will all fit Together and make sense, so here we go (:

I Have explained plenty in my posts about depression etc, so i wont go into it to much,
In 2013 I started Aspect Reviews with my partner who is now my ex.




A channel where we would go out and buy products to review from, sweets, equipment, toys, etc a whole range of different things to cater for everyone.
It was growing and we connected with so many brands.


With my new editing skills, and social media marketing i would like one day to re launch the channel, which is where the money side of things comes into play.

Things now days only seem to be going more up in price and not even by a little bit either.
I walked past my local Whsmiths the other day and saw a Pokemon Deck at 21 pounds !!!!!

I remember when i was growing up i use to buy decks of Yu-gi-oh cards which even a special deck was no more then 10 pounds.

Lego Blind Bags keep going up in price as well, which makes the cost of buying these products to review a much more demanding experience.

I would love every year to put aside 10,000-20,000 pounds to keep spending on the channel, maybe even more the first year to really re launch the channel in the right way.

I would spend 20,000 on getting equipment, A super computer, with lots of storage space, top specs for editing videos etc .
A few cameras for different angles in the videos and close ups.
lighting, cables, SD Cards , batterys, Logos for the background, a white desk for the products.
I would buy a lot of Gaming stuff so i could Record games like i used to.

I have always been a dabbler at heart and i can see myself always being.
I would want to alongside the reviews channel, Continue With my Photography, be able to travel around the world, and create master pieces.
I would love to pour a chuck of money into Finally setting up my own media company, Taking on staff to manage to paperwork side of things, and even having members of the team to help with making the videos and editing them.

I would Put 20,000 -30,000 a side for about 10 years of renting somewhere to live.
You may ask but if you have a million pounds why would you rent not buy your own place.

I think for the long term not short, I would not want to waste my money buying what i wanted for a house which would cost around 70,000 if not more for a nice 3 bedroom house, large bedrooms, large living room, same with diner and kitchen.
With Renting if i decide years later to move to a different location i can just give my notice, i would not have spent in the figures of 70,000 but more like around, 45,000 if the rent was around 400 a month and i stayed there for 10 years (:

I would also put 50,000 away for a back up, in case anything broke anything went wrong.
So already i have racked up a fair bit of the Million.

There of course would be more spent making the place nice with personal touches, and making the place feel comfty.

Being a community around me means that i would want to put some funds in the places that need it, i would give my friends money or buy them some stuff, to say thanks and to also help them out.

So this is where the depression comes in, No matter how many things i have and how many friends i have , there will always be days where, I wont want to leave my house, i wont have the strength to do anything in the day etc.

In becomes a circle where for me if i feel low, i need to get out, i need to do something, weather that is going and buying something to fill my stomach or do some activities like pool, tennis etc.

Oh yes i would like to Enter more Races for running, and Play more Tennis matches which does cost as well, allmost everything costs now days.

I have tried to control the money i have at the moment, which is not much as i am on Job seekers which is also another loop.
People may look at what i do in the community and see nothing wrong with me.
Most of what i do is me sat at my computer at home, which is also the worse place for me and most the time always want to be doing something else out of the house so i feel better.

A lot of the time i struggle to do the things i love like the photography etc, and that i have had jobs in the past and lost every single one of them.
I struggle under pressure, i struggle in the fact i dont choose days where i dont want to do anything.
And people who dont understand mental health saying your just going to have to get over it, money should be your way of wanting to improve your life and work.
Yes to some degrade, yes i want to have money to then spend on things i wanna do.
At the same time if i cant keep a job and have a a lot of days where i struggle to even more, then it becomes hard to even work knowing i would get fired for not turning up etc.
Even though money is a circle, it can never buy you true happiness, but it can at least 90 percent of the time keep you distracted, keep you happy, and do the things you wanna do.

If i had the money and i was doing all the things i mentioned above the things that make me happy, the things that are my passions and goals in life i think i would be able to cope much better in life.

I worry at the moment that what i am doing will have to come to a end soon, I got funding from the princes trust to get the equipment i use to this day for the media side of things.

The computer and camera are not the best but i make do with what i have got, and when they are gone well i have not got the money to re buy them.
If my camera was to break thats my photography and video side gone,
if my computer was to die, or break, i would lose my mind.
That may be sad to a lot of people but to me its how i cope when i feel low most of the time.
to be able to zone out into the computer to edit things, to watch shows and movies that make me laugh, just makes me get on with the day.
at the moment i have a 64GB Data device with EE which costs 27 pounds a month, just to use the internet, and even if i want to upload photography or videos , i have to take my laptop to somewhere i can use public wifi.
I sometimes think people do not know how hard doing media is, its tedious, it needs a lot of internet speed, and it takes a lot of time of your day up, but i love what i do so (:

I know i am luckily then a few people who have much worse lives then me, thats why i would also try and help those who need a little help in there lives as well.

It may seem like i ask for a lot in life, but in my own opinion i think i really am not, you will be shocked how fast that big chuck of money would just go, after buying everything,
At the same time i would be invested a bit back into it, buy making money with my photography, with my media company, which would be earning a income but also helping other businesses make more money as well, The reviews channel would make money, so over time after buying most the things i need to get going in life, i then can work my own hours, my own company, doing what i love which not only helps my depression but is making a income.

At the moment it costs me to do the things i do and i dont even earn a income from it.
so it would be nice not to have to worry about bills, food etc.

Then In time, the more things i do, the more i dabble in the more happier i become, and then hopefully would start to come out of my comfort zone more talk to people and find someone to be with.

Oh just a few more things i missed on, is since i would have the money i would be able to pay to get help with my dysprixa and any other issues, as i would want to improve my health, and my day to day life (:

Just so you know, I have been having some issues lately with comments, from watchers, due to the settings i use, which i am not going to change.
However i will be deleting any comments that is trying to target me, like such stupid ones like i have a fish tank at such place in Grantham , and then getting spammed with lots of comments back and forth from 2 different accounts replying to each other, and both have been tracked to the same location which  proves that they are from my area and 2 there is a website that can track locations of anonymous accounts.
I just find it so funny that those people think they have such amazing lives yet are so bored to waste their own time doing these silly things, like do you really have nothing better to do, is your lives that boring, which then they normally laugh and think they arent but in reality if they have the time to mess people about then yes you have boring lives lol. (:

Anyway if you wish to comment, with a proper answer then please feel free to on my social media pages below.

I shall be back with another blog post in the next few days !!!

my social links

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/

  https://twitter.com/DanMediaP
https://twitter.com/HLincolnshire

https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC

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https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

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my perfect Life? | DanielMarshallAdventures

This blog post is a little different from the ones i am normally do but my blog is for the things i love writing about, which can be anything that i have planned or thinking off at the time.

In life, nothing is ever certain, your path is never a straight one, but a mess of bumps, twists and turns at every corner, you can picture what you would like your life to be you can work as hard as you like for it to become realty but the truth is it can be gone just like a click of a button.
The key is simple, take each day as it comes, dont try and live your life to a countdown on when its going to happen, take little steps to aim towards it but always make sure you have a backup plan as well.

For me a few years a go my dream was to own a 2- 3 bedroom house, with my partner, nothing fancy, just a nice sized bedroom, a office room, for making videos, doing work etc, and a room to put all the rubbish that we need just not at a any single time.
A nice kitchen and maybe a small back garden.
is this still my dream but life has changed since then, slowly my life has a different direction a different purpose, and i am still learning things about myself.

Like how creative my mind, is, what kind of food i like, learning that i can just let myself go at a kind of night club, and just enjoy myself.

So what is my perfect life?

Well to start with i know there will never be a cure for mental health its apart of us, some suffer more then others.
I think the part that would help the most in life, is being able to get better treatment, talking to even more people that understand about mental health and not just going to give you tablets and tell you to get over it.
to have been able to get a assessment for dyslexic and dysprixa, so that it can help with things like the council etc.

To be able to keep opening up, keep trying new things in life and coming out of my comfort zone.
this next one is the most silly, and i would of never openly mention this due to fear of judgement, being laughed at etc but at this point in my life i dont care what people think because i am living it how i want, loving my life, and i am not going to change for anyone, whoever thinks i am werido then good because i am, and i accept that and relish in it hehe.

getting back on topic, is to be able to be comfortable around women, from the day i got my first girlfriend, to now being 25 years old nearly 26 i still can not be myself.

shows you how weak i am when the first time i got with my last girlfriend, i sent her a text asking if i could kiss her because i was to stupidly shy to talk to her, yet alone wanting to love her.

we enjoyed the day, but i wished that i had more confidence as was myself.
Online is the place where i am myself, i can be cheeky, i can be funny, i can be open because its just a screen its not like i am steering into their eyes,

if ever i am in the doctors, in a pub having a meal, or some place where they are a lot of women, or even just one, i start to blush, i start to feel, like moving, my chest goes tight, i start for no reason checking apps on my phone every few mins, even though theres nothing important to look at on them.
the only place i am a little more confident is sport, and the only reason why is because i am in the zone and enjoying the sport, so my confidence is already a lot better that talking becomes second nature.
again that is until i have sat down and started talking with them.
I have accepted that, that is just who i am, most women like a guy who is confident and i am just not that person to start with.
once i have had a little push, to get going, i get better with just relaxing and talking but its that intital step which i have not yet overcome.

so i would like, to be able to be more confident around people, around women, and be the person i want to be.

increase my circle of friends both female and males, and then find someone to be with.
That person has to understand what i go, and learn to help, but at the same time works both ways that, if that person is giving you, need to be there for them and help them but most important is listening to them.
That person must be able to have some kind of drive or some idea what they want in life, even if it changes.
theres nothing worse talking to someone who goes i dont know to lots of things and in their voice sound like they dont care about anything.
Prime example are, what do you want to eat, shrugs with a cant be bothered tone, i dont know anything.
where do you want to go today, same response, what are your hobbies, answer you know hanging out with friends, question anything else? i dont know really,
to be honest hanging out with friend is not a hobby, hobbies are more like, sports, drawing, etc
you can get a sum of who a person is just by their attitude in life.
I would not want that, because then it starts to bring you down.

you want someone who is full of life, happy, driven, not wanting to give up, someone you can bounce ideas off and again help each other, that is what i am looking for.

Moving onto other things in my perfect ish life, as again nothing is set in stone.

be able to have better technology, e.g camera, computer, phone, etc so i can do what i love but with much better quality.
To be able to travel more, cover events, connect with people, help the community more, help with other peoples projects.

Be able to become good at sport, and enter competitions, have more money, as anyone who says money cant buy you happiness is a lier.  it cant buy you full happiness that i argee but it can help you through dark times.

I think my life to be honest it just a simple one, have someone good to be with, still do what i love doing, being open more, and helping out, thats all i want, in the past i wanted so much more but when you kinda put in a situation where you build your life back up , you start to not miss certain things and find new things to replace those that are 10 times better.

Some of you may think my perfect life is silly, and that this blog post is silly, and others may not, its just something i had on my mind that i felt like sharing (:

i would like to know your idea of a perfect life, how your progress is getting there, what are the challenges you face, and if your path has changed since you first started thinking about what you want in life (:
btw is mental health awareness month this may which is may 2017 !!! so heres a pictures of me

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