What i have learned about myself about the past year, and the future | DanielMarshallVlogs

When I decided to take blogging serious, the idea was to make it a platform to help the local community, over time that expanded to my adventures in life.
At the moment though i feel its the only place i can be true to who i am, not being afraid of who knows,weather that be friends, the local community, even people i have networked with or may network with in the future.
Over the course of the last year, i have lived by the rule of if i can not be who i am then i am lost,
I would rather make loads of enemies and have a small selection of the best people in the world, then have people who i hardly talk to, or do not understand me.

So what i am about to talk about, is my life, its who i am, i take each day as it comes, and i hold no regrets on what i say because people can choose not to read my blogs, choose not to like me as a person, laugh etc, you can not please everyone, or even make every understand, all i try to do is have a place where i can get my thoughts out, and help people understand a little more about the person i am Behind a computer screen and in real life (:

Now for me, i often feel the need to blog, or feel inspired in some way, when i have watched a movie, tv show or even videos on Youtube.
I will often Relate to that thing, as i find if i reference something, its easier for my brain to get the information out i am trying to say or write.
I used to be with someone years a go, who used to have a right go at me for doing this, and ok i can understand that it may have been annoying but if that is sometimes how i get what i need to say out then i really dont see there being a issue around it (:

So for this section i will be referencing DR Foster,
with the show showed whats its like with complex emotions are in play around a child and how much that child trys to shove it back into his head and get on with life, deep inside feelings will always take over how you feel, weeks, month and years later, if something really bad happend in our lives, we often try to bury it so much that, one moment in life it all comes flushing back to the point its to much to cope.
I felt strong emotions towards the show because, although my parents did not cheat, i was in the middle of something i could not escape.
This was for 18 years, suffering with bad depression and aniexty, due to my dad being abusive to my mum.
If it was not the shouting, it was the beating, smashing the house, smashing plates, because oh no why my dad sat doing nothing, and mum was in the kitchen cooking a sunday roast, my dad would complain that the food was never hot enough, or it would be he didnt have enough meat, there was always somethng that was not right, and instead of sorting it out, he took it out by smashing things.
The times he didnt start on my mum, he would start on me, for not being able to tie my laces, saying, he should be able to f... tie them at his age.
My mum tried to teach me but again my dad would always have a go if i did not get it, so of course my self worth and confidence was next to nothing.
Only the last year, have i been able to really understand about my body and about myself, that i have poor hand coordination skills and sometimes i know what i am doing but then my body does not want to do the same, which i have talked about in other blog posts.

Many times i tried to run away, as i could not take living there anymore.
Many times i wanted to be around people, got into Relationships that i could not keep because i loved them but kept pushing them away as i did not want them to be a part of what was going on in my life.
By the time me and my mum managed to move away from my dad, it was to late as my mum was never abusive to me in a physical way, but mentally.
By then i started to get angry and shout back, as i had enough of being pushed from one post to another.
I never wanted to become my dad, i would hate myself if i ever did, but i had a lot of rage inside me because i was just so confused what was going on in my life.
The skills and the way of life to cope as adult was never there for me as most times if i could not do something i was shouted out, instead of understanding why i could not do said thing.

When i Finally got into my first serious relationship, i was very shut off for months, i had got used to shutting myself in my room, playing video games, i was not used to love and affection,
so the first few months we aruged a lot, and almost broke up because i could not cope opening up how i felt around her.

I was with her for nearly 5 years, but as we got more into being with each other, we both, not just one person but both, started getting angry at each other, which then made us both feel depressed at times,
for me i was the one more depressed and because i got used to shutting my side in my room when anything bad happend with my parents, it used to take me ages to calm down to compared to my ex.

Something i do not think she understood at the time, and i never really tried to be open and tell her,
its only been this last year that i have been able to look at my past and realize what went wrong.

We shouted a lot over such stupid things, as a result we ended up breaking up over so many different things, to this day i am still trying to figure everything out.

Although i do think about the past, i do not let it run my live, and my future, you can not and should not bury the past and never think about it no matter how painful it is.
ok do not think about it all the time, but its always good to think through the bad and the good times, that way you can see what went wrong, and not make those mistakes again, but also remember that you had good times, which will stay with you, and make you stronger going forward.

The last month i have been talking about the past a lot, to a private counselor i am seeing which has been good as i have been able to learn so much about myself.

When i was with my ex, she was everything to me, and i used to think that as long as she was happy i was, and that is not really how you should live your live, depending and foucusing your whole life on one person.
I am not saying do not care for the person you are with, but every single person needs to also have their own drive, confidence, self worth, goals, career etc.
You are strong Together as you are apart, if both of you are confident about your jobs your life and where you want life to take you, then that is what makes a good relationship.

When that was took away from me, due to mostly my own actions, I did not care about my life, i had no self worth, i took the cowards way out, and tried to hurt myself, i went into very bad depression.
I had no friends, i refused to be a part of my parents life, as my dad only cared about giving me money and not seeing me, and my mum, just never understood me, i had a few phones calls, and a meet, and you can just tell from the way she talked to me that she had not changed, and felt like she needed to be in control of my life.

So i shut myself off again, i became ill in the sense that, walking to the shop hurt, i was sick a lot due to not eating or overeating because of not eating properly, I would get a lot of pain, hardly any sleep,
I felt like i was going mad at times.

I struggled to cook proper meals for myself and still do a bit, again because its not that i dont know how to cook its my bloody body.

It took 7 months to snap me out of my madness, out of crying everyday, to find a little bit of self worth, through playing tennis and meeting people.
I quickly learned that i had all this strength, being poured from the regrets of life, and letting my self go, that i felt i needed to prove to the world this is not who i want to be anymore.
I had so much fun playing tennis that i felt so happy, it was not only the first thing i had other then sitting on my computer all day, but something that i was starting to get good at.

I have learned that, the worse place my demons take over it sitting in my room, however that is also the place i love the most, but wait you said tennis was???
Tennis is my happy place, but there is any so much your body can take before you just want to go home and relax.
I was brought up with technology, and the love of tv shows and movies, that for me there is nothing better then just being snuggled up in bed watching my really cool stuff.
I try as much as possible to be out and about, but when i feel down, weak, etc my bed and my computer are the things that keep me going, and the place i feel the safest.

Of course the computer has been one of many ways out of my old life and into my new one.
I think of eveything that has had some kind of knock on effect and that without them, I would not be where i am today, starting with going through the princes trust, I would not have got my Dan Media Productions branding, how even though i was a very unconfident person, around others, Give me something i have passion for, and suddenly, i am standing in front of people, giving a 30 second look into what my business is and how it will help you.
That confident i can talk about how video production is done, what you need the creative ideas etc.
I had never had confidence in my life that before and it was great, i got to meet people i would of never thought of, other video creators, social media marketing companies, going on workshops,
it was a transition from being a kid, to an adult.
The knock on affect of my business plan being accepted, getting the funding, to have the camera which not only got me out of the house and helped with my depression a little but has now turned into something far greater, discovering that i have a small skill in photography, and that its growing, quicker then the business of making videos was supposed to.
The affect its had in my confidence to go on the radio, to become more open about who i am and my issues, to keep learning and learning about the world, skills i need, to keep helping the local community.
Just think that if my plan was not accepted by the princes trust, where would i be now in life.
I think i would lost, my depression would of gotten worse then it did and probs done things that until it was to late didnt know i was doing.

I have learned that i have way more strength and will power then i give myself credit for,
but this can come at a cost, I am a very competitive person, not the kind who laughs at others, or winning is everything, but i go out there to aim to win, but to also have fun, playing with people that are better then me gives me more fuel, playing with people that make you laugh, gives me more fuel (:
For me, its silly when i say this but because i dont have someone controlling my life weather that be parents or a loved one, its sometimes hard to know when to stop.
I will keep pushing and pushing doing what i love to the point it hurts, which then will make me feel rubbish about myself, which is then a never ending cycle of beating the demons to only let them win again.
so i have been told that i need to take care more of my body, and if for example at tennis, if i am having a bad day, where i know i feel rubbish, decide to have a break, chat to people and see how i feel rather then thinking itll get better next game, and then leaving thinking why did i ever bother leaving the door this morning.

I do have way more strength then i used to, the depression is still bad but its not everyday, where i am today to compared to the 7 months after the break up, i do feel like a new person, not 100 percent but slowly learning more and more and becoming better (:
No matter how strong i think i am though, i do often have more strength through others,
If i am at the gym, and i am with friends, or with amazing staff, they push me, they can see my drive, and they help to push it further, and often i do acheive better when i am given that little extra push
I am just so happy that i have such amazing people in life at the moment (:

For me i dont know fancy meals out in a pub, or to go on holidays, buy lots of things, ok it would be nice to be able to treat myself a little more, but i dont need tons of money or things to make me happy, doing what i do makes me happy, making others happy, makes me happy.
I think sometimes when we are ruled by having lots of money or surroundings ourselfs in luxury things we forget what we are doing in live and why we are doing it.

Not tons of people but some people work 50+ hours and boast how much money they have, but time is short, and in my eyes what is the point having tons of money and no time to spend it, leaving you maybe one day a month or even a year where you have a massive splash buying things you dont need because look i have lots of money i worked hard for.
In life you need a balance from the amount of hours you work to the amount of time you have to use it, spend time with loved ones etc.

So yeah i dont have a fancy camera, i dont take the best pictures in the world but i sit and learn with what i have got, and i use the knowledge i have took time to learn to help others (:

I might be sad when i say that i could not live without my computer, but without it i would have nothing to learn and block away my demons, without tennis, it would be the same, without gym, i would be weak, i would not have bulit the friends i have and the community i have In Lincolnshire, without all the things that make me, well me (:

My biggest fear at the moment i have found is my aniexty being around others,
I have never been a social person, due to my parents, I do find it hard starting up a talking point to people i dont know, this is why i much perfer for a while talking to people online, that why i can say almost anything i want without the need of feeling shy, feeling scared, being that quiet person who sits in the corner looking silly.

My main issue is not having the same drive i have with sports, and putting into forcing myself to talk to people, although the gym is the most place i talk to people, it is mostly with my friends.
If the staff say hi and want to talk to me, i often end up either repeating myself every time, with hello how are you,  oh thats great music thats on, and sadly thats about all i say.
do i stop what i am doing, and have a real talk with the staff, NO.
I want to but i just then feel awarked and either i focus on what i was doing, or end up leaving.
Its nobodys fault other then my own, people have even said oh just be yourself, i try that and it never happends the way i want it to.

The other problem with aniexty i have is, being around a group of people, i feel on edge, again not myself, i have tried so many times to talk in groups and i know its not for me.
Even going to see live bands, i still feel on edge, sometimes its easier to control then others, but its something that keeps controlling my life and keeps making me miss out on great things.

This next bit i cant remember posting about before, and its something that is totally silly, to some will laugh their socks off, and think its a joke but again i am open, and i will always be, people may say oh but we dont need to know that, well.. oh well, its me, what you gonna do haha (:

Being around Females, of any age, is just as bad as my aniexty.
The first case I remember how bad i was, and to a lot may seemed like i was as society says a freak and i probs still am.
This was starting college in nottingham, and wanting to talk to this girl, not because i liked her, i had never spoken to her, she was in my class, so one day, i wrote on some paper, hi i am really shy, yes i did put this..... and i would like to get to know you, let me know if this is ok !!!
I now look back at that and think what a twat i was, sending a letter to a girl just to ask her to talk to me like wtf daniel haha.

Even when i got girlfriends, talking to them happened by online first before meeting.
Back then and even to this day, I get neverous, if a female sits next to me, not so bad if i really know them, but still, feel on edge and shy, sometimes to the point i will get up and leave and sit somewhere else, i feel on edge if i am at the gym, and i am training on my own, and the manchine i want to use there is a female on the next one, which then i avoid using until shes done, like seriously just go use the dam thing lol.
The worse one is when i am meeting someone new to become friends, and they give you hug, i try as much as possible to avoid it and then just get really shy.
All these issues of mine do annoy me, because its not the person i would like to be.
i want to be able to bring my confidence over from my business like approach into well just being me.
That is the issue that the more and more i get content with being safe, and not pushing myself out of my comfort zone, the worse the issues get !!!

Seriously i really do, do anything to try and hid who i am, sometimes without even knowing i do,
I think in a odd way thats why i have taken to photography in such a passionate way, because i guess its behind a screen haha just kidding (:

Overall, its been a miracle of a year, and at times i wish i could be more, and have more, i have to live each day as it comes, and just keep doing what i live and hope within time, my life will fix itself (:

So there you go, a bunch of things you may or may not have known about me, its been good just to have a few hours to get this of my chest, now i just have to focus my brain onto writing, the blog posts i aimed to do, and even think about getting into writing Stories, that i used to do many years a go !!!!!!