Trent Vineyard 17-12-17- Feeling like my True self,Family service | Daniel Marshall Adventures

This Blog post is to Highlight The wonderful place that is Trent Vineyard and to explain that you do not need to be Religious in order to join or experience the wonderful things that go off (:
A few months back I went with James Pitcher and the family To Trent Vineyard for the very first time.
I had got to know James Through Grantham Tennis Club, months later i had written on social media about wanting to try different things in life when James Told me about The Church they go to.
I was meant to write a post about the experience, as we also went into the amazing War Hammer HQ.
I never got around to writing it. A few weeks later i started to but then felt it was to late to post about the day out.

Today I made the trip with them again as James was performing with the band for the Family Service. so I decided that this time i will blog about the experience as i want to explain why i felt so happy being there and why i was able to be myself, something which is very hard for me to do.


When James Invited me to go months a go i did not know what to expect, Trent Vineyard is not your Normal type of church, is it based in a massive Warehouse, It has Live music that is really out of this world and the talents there are mind blowing, it has Free Refreshments when the services are on and The Vineyard has Several big sections to the place and Looking to expand with a Children's Centre next year !!!

 
As you can see from the pictures its huge, picture do not do it justice as the pic above is only the main part of the Building.

The First time i went I felt so Equipment Envy, with being into media and seeing all the cameras and tech i just felt like Geeking out haha.
It was a first time in a long time being around a lot of people as i suffer bad from anxiety on top of being really shy anyway.
I came away feeling so pumped after the live music, and the amazing atmosphere that its no wonder i went back again Today.

Me, James and his Family left Grantham at 8.20am as James had to get there early to do sound tests with the band before the service started.

He was telling me that he did not leave Nottingham The day before until 12 at night due to Having the first practice with the band. It was also amazing to know that he had written and Produced one of the songs.

Trent has its own record Label so any music made is under that label (:
here is a small write up about is on the Trent Vineyard website which ill put the link to it at the end of this post (:

Worship is more than music. To us, it’s the act of freely giving our love to God in all that we do and we believe that giving in worship is the key to finding Him at work in our lives. Music is just one of the many ways we worship at Trent Vineyard. During our Sunday services we love to sing songs to God, lifting Him up, giving thanks for all He is and has done in our lives and telling Him how much we love Him.

What we sing is very important to us and that’s why we write and sing our own songs. Over the years, we've recorded a number of albums which you can listen to and buy at Vineyard Records. You can also search over 700 songs written in Vineyard churches from all around the world at vineyardsongs.com including many of ours.

So we all arrived and i can to see James in action as he was playing Guitar. you had someone on Keyboard, bass Guitar, Drummer and Vocalists.

From even the Practice runs the band sounded amazing, as always even though i wanted to watch James my eyes and ears focused more on the drums, its just how i am i am so drawn to the skills of drumming (:
James was telling me that the sound does an amazing job as you have to make sure everyone can hear whats going off in their ear so thats what sound tests are so key before the real deal, as you dont want someone out of tune, not singing the rest part or not being heard because the volume is to low or to high !!!

As time went by People started to turn up for the service, inc Kids that were also going to perform with dances.

What is cool before the session starts is they play upbeat music just in the background so its lively but also they have a countdown to when its about to start up on the big screens that you can see in the picture above.
These screens will always show the person/people talking/ performing so people who are at the back of the venue can see, they will often show the lyrics to the songs as well on screen (:

It was now getting really packed, and even though i was at the front, my heart was racing i kept looking around me, and feeling very anxious being around people.
That being said The vineyard is truly an magical experience when both times of visiting and the powerful music comes on did i find myself not only standing up, but singing something i only ever do in bedroom so that no one can hear other then my housemates.

What is magical about the whole place is the fact it can still keep the faith, and traditions but bring it into the modern world, to get kids of their Technology to sing, dance and enjoy music like really should be known Nationally its that good.

After a few songs, there was a small break Followed by some Dancing and a small video that kids from the Youth Group took part in.

Which is another amazing factor about the place that kids can enjoy arts and crafts sports and much more, there are student nights that go off, lots of projects for people to help out in the local Environment, like Gardening, and there is even small groups that people can get together and meet new people (:


Next up on the family service  was a really fun Game for Kids to enjoy and put a smile on my face, 3 people got in Inflatable raft type things,  the room would be split into 3 groups and on screen would be something you had to act out for the people on the stage to guess.

The person on stage that lost the round got a pie in the face, at the end of every round, sweets would be thrown in the air to the kids at the front to have (:

This then followed and i am really sorry i can not remember there names but 2 people got into a raft and got dunked as a send off as it would be there last Christmas service due to helping expand in the church into another location.
I think this is awesome that the place has grown so much since it first started and that other places around the world should experience what the one in Nottingham has to offer (:

The band came back on to finish up and now i was singing much louder, i felt at home, at peace, i felt so happy to not only be watching my friend Perform but just be myself not having to worry about anything.

In fact Towards the end i suddenly felt like crying, for many reasons.
I was Born In Nottingham, but never really fitted into society, my parents did take me to anything like this, i was never apart of a group, and it really got me thinking about life.

I have made a home In Grantham, its the place where i have managed to connect with so many people, and be happy, and yet for the first time in a long time i kind of wished i did live back In Nottingham and that i was a kid again.

My mental health plays a big part in my life, and because of that i find it extremely difficult to not only manage each day but to be social around others.
They may be events and things to be a part of in Grantham that i have not fount yet however after only going to 2 services at Trent, it feels like its where my life needs to be.

I wish i was a kid so that i could Dance on stage, i could feel free and be happy not being an adult and having to worry about adult things, just having youth on my side and taking part in projects and being a free spirit.

The past few months have been very hard as I have lost a lot of passion and drive for a lot of things, and i feel i do not know where my path lies.
However after today i have some kind of idea what i would like to do.
That is even if its in Grantham i would like to be apart of projects i would like to help people in need.
I would like to find my passion again for photography and help cover more events and places so that people can experience the best of things in life.

I would like to become more social and show the world the real me that i control my health and that i wont feel the need to leave something due to my aniety that i can stay and enjoy the day.

The Service today at Trent really opened my eyes to what i have been missing out on in life.
That although I have made a home in Grantham its time to start exploring, to open different paths, still taking what i have learned and still have the awesome people in my life but making way for a happy and brighter Future.

I have the wonderful James and Izzy to thank for inviting me along to Trent, and to the concept of church which i even admit when they first mentioned it my first thought was boring, sitting hearing people talk about Jesus etc.
Trent is more then just a place to learn about God, its a place to bring people Together, my only regret is not knowing about the place sooner, but i will always life by the rule that everything happens for a reason, you need the good and the bad times in your life in order to learn, to change, to re discover who you are, and connecting to people that will always be by your side (:

I can Honestly say that Trent has changed so many peoples lives and i hope they keep growing they keep making people happy and having all the wonderful memories to look back on !!!

So why not pop along to one of the services, and see what you think, tell your friends, family
and help spread the word (:

Thank you for reading and if you would like to know more information about Trent  then please see below

https://www.facebook.com/trentvineyardchurch/
http://trentvineyard.org
https://soundcloud.com/trentvineyard
https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/trent-vineyard-talks/id1081362043?mt=2

Ramblings of a mad man #2 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

That is right its time to get more of my chest about my life !!!

Like i said on the last one, to me even if this reaches just one person who understands and can help or even what i somehow say in this helps someone then its all good, i just like being able to be open, maybe i am to open that people do not want to hear or care but oh well that is life (:

So since i wrote the last ramblings a lot has changed in my life and some things are the same.
Lets start off with the positive things shall we (:

One of the things i have been working so hard on is getting faster, getting more stamina and stronger, in fact it will be a year in just over a week since i joined a gym, and i shall be writing a blog post about that fairly soon so keep a eye on it !!!

doing so much physical actives has really open many doors in my life, and since the break up with my ex at the start of 2016, i feel that i have become a much better person.

I often find myself sometimes a lost of a way to explain things which means i may often say examples of something i have watched in order to get a point across.
I used to be told i was being stupid but hey if that is how i best explain things then i will keep doing it silly or not (:

In the last week i have been super hooked on the flash, the modern take of it.
in fact the last few days i finished all of season 2... whoops (:

In that it kind of gave me even more new found strength and hidden messages that again hit my brain and made me think about my own life.

No matter how much i wish i could change the events that happened  in my life, that often makes me think of the past makes me upset, it is that what makes me want to get faster and stronger.
Yes i miss the love of my life, if it was not for the case of being together for nearly 5 years then i would of got over it quicker but i choose to throw my life away and i live with that everyday knowing so.
That said, everything happens for a reason, its made me open my eyes in the world around us, its made me understand about myself, my issues my problems, where i need to improve and to build my life from having nothing to have things that i can call my own, my own actions.

I may have been in love, but that seemed to be all my life was all about, i had no friends, i was not apart of a community, and i was not physically fit, i let my life slip away because love was everything to me.

So yeah to maybe a lot of people i am just a weirdo, a creep etc, sitting around in places using internet, looking awarked, i may seem like a mad man from the way i act or the things i post about, but that is me and i would not change myself for anyone.

It has been such a bizarre path in life that seems to be getting more crazier in good ways and bad.

From going down the route of wanting to start a business up which i never had plans for in my life, to it not going the way i wanted it to.
To feeling so depressed in 2016 i would just go for walks taking photography and learning.
then that one moment in life i decide to put my skills to the test and help a local cause around town, kick started my life in so many directions.

So that is what i have been doing with more and more paths opening in my life.
I got the chance to network with a local music artist, on a wonderful day out, I have always dreamed meeting famous people, and never knew we had that in Grantham, its like i do what i do because i love being creative while helping out, i do not do anything special like a lot of photographers, video makers in the area and yet people have believed in me and given me chances in life i could only dream off.

Over the past 3 weeks i have had no major mental health problems.
there have been some events that have gone off like having a camera knocked out of my hand, which put me in a very depressed and anixous mood, i even had to get my friend to give me a lift to a shop to get some shopping that i was going to do later in the day anyway because, i was to shook up to leave the house.
I just put it past me as i knew i would be helping a local artist in the next day (:

I do not know why i have felt happy, i guess because of the good times that has been there.
Like working out with my friends at the gym has made me more happy, playing more tennis again has left me feeling good.
yet i do all those week by week anyway, i guess i cant complain lol.

Even the other night i had a very different experience at a local social meet i go to.
I dont know why but whenever there is a group of people even if its around 8 people, i never seem to be part of it, i say hi and a few other things but that is about it.
Whenever i am there though i seem to find that 1 person i can connect with, and spend most of the time talking to them and no one else.

Again i guess this is never a bad thing, some people are naturals at group talking and others find one person who they get on with.

It was a good night because like i have explained in so many post is we talked about mental health and counseling.
That this person i believe works with children with mental health problems but has also done work with adults as well.

I just talked like i had known that person for months, fully open, not just talking about mental health but my life, it was great that someone could understand what i was going through and could relate.

Saying that aniexty is something that can not really be seen, we all often wear a layer under us, we try to be confident because we do not want others putting us down, or sometimes not wanting to put what we are going through on others, not wanting to get help because of being scared to.

The outcome of the talk meant she has refereed me onto someone she knows who does consulting, working with people on many different issues in their life.
Since i am still waiting to be seen by the mental health services after waiting over 6 months since my last visit .

I am hoping that this will then open doors as i explained to the women who has refeered me that as well as my issues, i have exhausted all opitions in terms of getting help, with my dysprixa and dyslexic.

Which leads me onto what bad thoughts i am thinking off for my future.
I explained to the women about my housing suitation as well that i am still in a circle of temp housing, and i am worried that i will not have money to even go back into shared housing due to now making a life for myself.
in 2016 i had no gym membership, no tennis membership, no princess trust loan i am still paying back now, and of course no proper worries about internet.

so of course i could afford paying that more rent because i had no proper outgoings with being in the house 6 out of 7 days

I slowly started to bulid a life for myself but like with anything in life which i tried to not go by this for so long but then realised i was lieing to myself, which is money is key to do what you want in life.

Money is a huge factor in my life, because of what my hobbies are.
Anyone will know that if your hobby is anything media wise there is a price tag for it.

On top of that with my depression and aniexty my life sadly is my computer, my camera etc.
without them i would be lost, my life would mean nothing.

so when people say put money aside to secure a permanent place i can never do.
I have 30 pounds a month left after all bills have gone out.
When i say i have 64gb of internet to use and use it all people may go how????

Well for one i have no TV, and with no being social which again is never free even though people say talking is yet, but going for a meal out, even a drink is still a cost that people do not factor for.

For me when i am not out and about, doing physically sport, i want to relax and watch tv, so i pay for Netflix which means that uses data to stream the show.
on top of that people do not understand how much data uploading photography on a regular basis takes up.
prime example each photo i upload is around 30mb and on a typical month i upload over 200.
that is without factoring in having to upload on multiple social platforms of the same images.
so why do you not use public wifi ????
Cost is why !!!!

Nothing is ever free, we have a library  with free wifi which is cool yes but not when you want to upload things, with a photo taking 10 mins to upload just one photo??? i am not joking.

which then the rest of the options cost, going to a pub to get a drink, wrong answer, most pubs connect to the cloud which is just as slow as library, if you find a pub that does not use the cloud, again it is normally slow, fast for browsing not for uploading, this is of course not counting for downloading shows on netfliex to watch at home when my data is running low.

One place i use to sit which was free wifi and really fast, has now slowed down to a snail or you can pay like on a train for faster speeds.

Why do you have a limited data device ???
Because i am in temp housing i am not allowed to install internet, so the only other way is to by a portable internet device and use it as a tether to my computer.

So you can imagine on a day out doing photography and video, and the video takes over 2 hours to upload, on a really good speed, how much it can cost with buying 2-3 drinks a week just to use internet.

which of course causes me worrys about securing a home, because either way i lose.
i do all i do because it fights the depression, even what i do the depression comes and goes but doing what i love just makes it that little easier.
what is the point having a roof under my head, if i have to stop going to the gym, stop helping my local community, with media because then that will just make me back to how i was, and i would not leave the house again.

it also worrys me that i got the money from the princes trust to have what i have now, nothing lasts forever, and once my computer or camera stops working i could not do what i love doing anyway, with no way out all to fund to replace them.

That is why i try so hard to push myself to keep learning, improving so that even if its for a few years i can have great memories, instead of just living in a rut going round in circles.

I have been told by so many people not to worry about going forward in life but to focus on the here and now which i try to do a lot, i dont plan a lot of things, i just let each day comes and see how it goes. however when you can not get the help you need after battling for it for nearly 2 years it does worry you.

what also worrys me is not having the fight to come out of my comfort zone, i am trying so hard to try new things but again i find myself either leaving or just not bothering to go.

There has been open mic nights that even if i do not go to take part, it would be nice to see what talent there is but i just cant force myself to meet new people because its out of my comfort zone.
with being brought up on technology that is my down fall to life, to me after playing sport etc i would rather spend 3-4 hours watching shows, then going out and having a social life, sad i know.

Only now and then do i manage to force myself to go to things but there still is so much i am missing out on because of my own issues.

It worrys me that holding a camera or talking about what i love can make me the most confident person ever, but take that away, and i go into a bubble, i become shy, anixous, i back away from things. i have become stronger physically but i feel in some parts i have become a lot weaker mentally.

Yes i am now able to do more things and i am more stable mentally on more days but again in my own mind due to my actions i also feel, i am losing the ability to be myself around others.

When i was with my ex, i never really worried about people around me because my attention was on her, her family, what we was doing at the time etc.
Now that i have had to bulid my life up for the first time being on my own from a point of having no friends and family i did not want to talk, i have had to learn the skills needed to cope.

It amazes me how much strength i really have inside me till needing to be unlocked, i have already shown how much i can pour myself into playing tennis, into running, the gym, i have shown that depsite being super active, while i was at school and college, how much more active and stronger i am now then i was back then.

I just wish so to speak i did not need a push or someone to hold my hand in order to take steps out of my comfort zone, i which that events that are free, like the open mic, and other things around Grantham, i could just stroll in and enjoy the night , but i do not see that ever being me, i am a nerd, i love tv shows, i love being creative, i love what i do to much to tear myself away.

I guess in a lot of ways, i look for praise because i never really had it growing up. not that i have shut my family out for very good reasons, i have my friends to believe in me, which again until this year i never had.

I always push myself sometimes a little to hard because i want to prove to all the people that picked on me in my life, who looked down on me, who think i am stupid that i am not, i may to things differently, a lot slower, but it works.
A prime example is tennis, i must have one of the most strangiest playing styles ever, which i keep trying to improve on, because it works for me, as soon as i try to things the normal ish way i cant play.

Again i think this is down to the way things do not communite from my brain to my body, that over time i just got used to, trained it and adapted my own way of doing things.
Weather its tennis, pool, gym, golf, or bowling i have never done things the way they should but i guess that makes me the person i am and should embrace it (:

Overall i look at my new life, and ok i have achieved a lot from a bad break up, from a point that it took me 7 months to snap myself out of not wanting to live to the person i am now.

All i see is not trying hard enough, its frustrating when you create a project in this case a video for an event, you have so many cool creative ideas, and then you get to the editing software and you spend more time researching how to do and getting angry because, A, your having a lot of problems doing it and B, you know you need to get it edited Asap because the longer it takes for people to see, the less interest it will get.
if you been to a event the last thing you want is for the video of the day to be put up 2 weeks even more later, so as much as you would like to spend lots of time with different cools ideas, sometimes the basic has to do.

I see that although i cover events, it only seems to be once in a while not because there is nothing to cover, but because i am not creating a networking basis outside of social media.

i see that on days where i am depressed, nothing i do gets me out of it, which means i go to my covers and just binge watch show, instead of doing something to help my community out, or better yet be social !!!!

In all honestly i wish so many things in my life were either fixed or helped, i wish i could go to a place to use internet fast without having to pay for it, yes i know that does not exisit lol
i wish that just for once i could catch a break, weather that is getting help with my learning difficulties or with my mental health, but most of all having the courage to start up conversations with people instead of always waiting for someone to say hi to me.
People can say to you, you just got to force yourself to do these things, but i have tried so many times, and i can honestly say that is not me and never will be, i do not have that drive, that confidence to, and i have tried to accept who i am and accept that although i wanting things in my life, i have to just wait for them or be happy with what i have.


So when people say talking about your problems is bad, or people may think you as a strange person and not want to talk to you, ??? they are right, but what you have to do is push the people away who do not believe in you, who choose to talk behind your back, who does not understand what you go through, and who would rather laugh at you for who you are because they think they are better then you !!!!!!!
find the people that matter to you, and keep finding more and more people and eventually you will bulid a network of people that can help you when you feel down to pick you back up again !!!

Thank you for reading yet another blog about my ramblings, i call it of a mad man, because i think thats what a lot of people think of me, or of those who suffer, and just want to express how they feel (:

The next blog post i promise will be a happy one and about my progress at the gym (:


 























 

 

Learning more about myself, how hard it is to be my true self | Daniel Marshall Adventures

One of the main issues in my life, is my creative and my brain not stopping thinking about things that i feel the need to express myself via here and other sites.

I did have planned to write 2 other blog posts one about my weekend just gone and another about 10 things that make who i am, but instead i have chosen to write another post about mental health and about my life.

The other day i decided to buy just a very simple note pad ,... why?

well I was brought up with technology i can write a very long blog post in about a hour, it does not hurt my hands writing and i much pefer using a computer.
I use devices to right ideas down and back things up, which sometimes get lost or get up being deleted.

When i was at college i used to love writing on paper, notes from my college courses and even stories.
I feel that we use technology to much, and sometimes you just need to tear yourself away from it and let your ideas flow, get some fresh air and just relax.
I would never say that i would go away from technology forever because it is who i am but i do want to start being able even if its a hour a day, write in my note pad, draw and then have something to look back that i had created.

as you can see from the picture i had no idea what went through my mind when i started drawing.
even a kid can draw better then me !!!!


This is again down to being so used to technology, The last 2 years of school, we had to pick 3 subjects that we wanted to study onto of our normal ones.
None of my choices were pick and i got dealt with Geography, Textiles and double art.
I had also put myself down once a week to do a college course type thing, to learn music Technology.
which was on the days of the double art which meant that on top of not liking art and not being able to draw even a simple house etc, I was miles behind on my work, and did not get a grade for Art.
This did not bother me and went on to further study music Technology.

So yeah sometimes when you have ideas and you cant draw they do not go the way you want to, and i even had to laugh at what i had created.

The first page was going to be like a hey here is my Intro to the book sort of thing.
I got ideas of the net of making the word Projects into different funny ideas which then looked a mess after.
I tired to join letter together to make it look cool, and then decided since it did not turn out the way i hope just to draw anything, really is just a mess to be honest lol, but that is about of me and my life.
Often people will discard something they have done because of fear of being laughed at or it being horrible i say, to heck what people think, its a page in your chapter of life, something to be proud of and something you know you can laugh about as well (:

so far i have only written a tiny bit on one page that was meant to be talking about how a day went but i need to learn to get used to writing with a pen again (:

This weekend what has just gone really got me thinking about the true me just wishing could be there all the time.

My friends invited me to go out Drinking something i hardly ever do because its not me, the only time i will ever have a drink is on special occasions or at Christmas.
Whenever i do drink its been at home and never out and about in town.
over the last year that has changed as i have been on a few nights out, and been able to draw the real me out.

one of many reasons why i also not go out, with mates is the fact of my anxiety, my chest becomes tight and i wouldnt say i feel scared but i feel not right being there, i dont know how to act or what to say, i become like a stick figure, while mates are chatting to each other i am just sat or standing there looking around or down at my phone, they try to get me involved but again i do not talk much.
Its also a confidence issue one that has been damaged so much due to my past.
So when the night comes where i decide to drink, its amazing and a experience i could have more often.
Not for the getting drunk but being able to be who i want to be in that moment instead of holding it back.
last weekend, was one of the staffs birthdays at the gym i go to, we all talked between us on how to surprise a little get together, for drinks in town.
I dressed for the occasion and as me and my friends approached the place i suddenly felt  overwhelmed how busy it was but also how many people i knew from the gym that was there.
I froze and not sure how to act, even more so when hugs was involved i bunched up and felt really shy.
Now for someone who can deliver businesses pitches and go on radio, says a lot about my day to day real life interactions with people when its just a get together.
The best music ever was going off, stuff that i like to dance to at home, when listing to music, jump up and down and be myself.
I had a few drinks, and watched people dancing, the more i watched the more i wanted to just shove my body into where everyone was and start dancing but again, i could not get my brain to get over the fear.

That said as the night went on, i started to become less worried, and more in the zone and listing to the beats of the music, ( when really i was totally drunk haha )

A couple of people started dancing with me and it felt great just letting my hair down and living the moment, i only remember these events half way through the next day and there will always be moments that you cant remember either (:

That is the feeling i want everyday, to be confident because i know i can be.
sometimes my brain lives to much in a very fantasy world, that when its in reality it does not like it.
Something i never thought i would say or the fact of  believing is i suppose I expect people to talk to me, to make the first move so to speak.
Many times when playing pool, or just sat in a pub i have wanted to start up a chat with someone but choice to not go down that path.
I always seem to need a kick in that direction, meaning someone to start the convo off before i am able to at least be a little like myself and feel more relaxed.
Its a circle that is always getting worse at the moment that i want to be social and make friends, yet i find it increasingly harder every day to be confident, i choose to shut myself in my room and write this blogs for example because this to me is my fantasy world a place where i dont have to think what people think of me, how i look etc i can just say what i want so to speak.
If only the love and passion i put into things like photography and helping the community via again technology based things could cross over into the normal day to day me !!!

I have come to realise that other then getting drunk, to bring myself out, sport is one of those ways to,
Its the pleasure side of my brain that i crave all the time.
If i am super happy, playing tennis, running or even pool that i am not finding off the enivorment around me, just the moment that is happening then i feel fine, and again comfy.

I think that is one of many reasons why i had being stuck in my room, and why i end up in body pain most days because of over doing it with physically activities.

For example i can have 4 hours of tennis, come home feeling happy because i enjoyed it but also wanting to cry because i am in pain so much, because i have to give it everything i have got in order to be happy.
If i am not trying 100 percent and the things i love, that feeling of something not quite right creeps in, which then gets me finding off bad things.

After resting on the day i did 4 hours of tennis, all i wanted to do was watch tv all day, but all the time i was my brain, or body i do not know which was still wanting to work out and do something.

After sitting looking at the walls for many mins, i gave in and went to a a gym class, which again i enjoyed but again i had to push through that pain barrier resulting in waking up the next day, hardly being able to move, and feeling very low and upset, again the circle of my life.
When i am doing these things i feel alive, i feel happy and i feel myself, that i suppose i try to cling onto those moments the longest i can before i enter my sad depression state.

Why can i not be the person i am, that all comes down to the lack of support where i live from the NHS and the mental health services a year and a half after trying to fix a least a part of me i am no closer to getting any answers or assesments.

It gets that bad that the people you hang around with who know you more then these services start to put together their own thoughts on i may have wrong with me and things that might help.

The other day when playing tennis i had a good talk with someone who said that i might be BI polor.
which i think in some ways i might just be, most people when they feel down and normally get over it or know the cause of why they feel that way.
For me out of nowhere of feeling happy, i can into a circle of feeling so low i start to feel upset just for no reason, and nothing i do, which btw i have tried a exuashing lists of things will not snap me out of it.
The only thing that does is to let it take its course, weather that be a hour or a day, and then hope the next day wont be the same.
One of the things that makes peoples confidence levels so low is the fact that some people still choose to look down or not even talk to those who have these issues.
when all we are trying to do is live our lives just like everyone else !!!
I talked to someone ages a go who blocked me because i defended myself on a topic of mental health.
I was explaining about how everyone at some point in there life will suffer from mental health, which is a lot of thing, from depression, aniexty etc not just depression which mental health seems to have a bad stigma for pointing the condition on.

You cant see yourself how your going to be in the future, if you did not have a bad day in your whole life, where you felt a bit low, upset, aniexty etc then you are not human.
This person said well i dont see myself ever having a issue, and think that you need to get over it and try more.
my reply was, before you look down on others and give them advice that you can not give, how about you eduate yourself on the topic first (:

which is the truth if anyone ever says to you, oh just get over it, or something that you know is just  patronising then get rid of that person from your life, block them, do not speak to them etc.
you dont need people who are going to undermine you and treat you like your a monster with a illness.
instead do what i have done bulid a community of people that do understand and are there to listen and help.
it wont solve the issue but on some days that you feel bad, at least you have a chance of feeling better (:

When i look at my life now to what it was a year a go, i have come a long way, and changed the person i was so much.
In other way i see myself going backwards, i feel less confident to talk to others then i did 6 months a go, and i feel the more days i can not get help the more days i do now know who i am and what i am suppose to do in life.

when i look in a mirror i see so much potential in myself  that others can also see and have even said to me as well.
yet my lack of confidence among other things is my downfall, to doing what i want in life.

some people have called me a dark horse, in the fact that people are shocked at the things i can do, when i really put my mind to it, like making videos etc.

I know inside there are so many things i have not yet telled people or shown because again the lack of fear, etc.

I have proven to myself and people that i am a strong person, and that i can almost live by myself, because i am capable of being independent.

However there are a lot of days again when i feel low and do not want to do anything that the house becomes a mess, my life becomes a mess, and days where the walls seem to ever get smaller.

I walk around town seeing mates laugh with each other, going on days out to watch a football match, mates having a meal catching up, and just enjoying themselfs.
wishing i could have that if only i could drag myself away from a computer tune my brain to be the person i am when talking online.

Another topic which i defended myself again was about being in a relationship with someone who has as society puts is mental health issues, slapping a tittle on a person.

Saying that a lot of people tend to avoid being with someone who has these issues due to it affecting their lives.

People who get on with someone so well, they really like them but have to turn them down because of this.

My opinion is this if you love someone that much you will learn to cope with them, you will bond and help each other grow, and go through the hard times.
most of the time being with someone can not necessary fix that person but it gives them a new meaning to there live.
it will make them try harder in life, they will feel more comfy safe and be able to be the person they want to be because that person listens to them and knows how to help.

Like i said above we all suffer at one point so saying to yourself oh i cant be seen with someone who feels down or upset well, i guess you will be putting a question online when you get dumped if you have a bad day and that person does that to you hey???

I seriously do think that before people judge someone who has problems, its best to sit down and talk understand them, then take your time to understand the topic of mental health, and that way that person who is dealing with something, suddenly you know they are a good person just struggles a little bit.
we are all unique people, who can do something that someone else cant, there are so many things to do in life, because we can all do different things, its time we start embracing that instead of looking down on those who cant do the same things as you.

Next week i am attending a meeting, about the welfare in Lincolnshire, looking at the course of the way the funding and the support is going to go over the next few years.
I have questions i am going to ask, and i will be filming it as well because its about time, something is done about how the mental health system works !!!

I will also keep helping people at tennis and in life who suffers from problems because i may not listen to my own advice but i like talking to people i like listening and helping.
its true that people with the same issues as you are bound to understand each other better then people who do not know you, and know how to come across.

I will keep pushing my body and doing the things i love because what more can i do, if it means hurting myself to feel happy even just for a hour then i will do it.

I only hope that one day, people can find this blog, and take something from it, that instead of being told to get over it, no!!!  instead embrace who you are, find the people that will listen, and do what you love, not for someone else, not because you have to but because you want to (:


Thank you for reading this moan-e blog but again if i can help just one person feel a bit better i will, if i can feel better by writing this i will, and if i help people understand me better then i will keep trying to be more open, everyday !!!! (:

How my Mental Health has stopped me from doing what i want in life | DanielMarshallAdventures

A week a go i wrote a blog post about the toughest physically week ahead, My plans were to write a blog post about how my photography has improved over the last year, but also another post about how i coped with the week.

Instead of writing how good the week has been instead there are things in my life i need to reflect on and it was not until this challenging week that is has really opened my eyes.

As i blog a lot i will try not to repeat much of what i have talked about considering my mental well being.
At the same time trying to get across what goes on in my life for those people who have not read any other of my posts before.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but it was not until the start of 2016 i decided to get help.
When i needed the help at my worst stage i could not even talk about it or even start to feel about for at least 5 months.
I had 12 weeks of counseling, in those sessions i would be digging up my deep past about my parents.
Who i choose to no longer to speak to and its been nearly a year since i have spoken to them.
They are part of the reason why i am the way i am, and why i suffer badly with depression.
A lot of people when you say i never want to see or hear from my parents again, look down on you, like you might not want to be a part of there lives now but you might want to be later in life.
Which well may be true but the way i feel at the moment not caring what they think about me, i am much better off without them, not feeling like a failure not having to look up to them, they never really tried to understand me, and this last year has been a great discovery about myself.
Learning that i do have some problems but also i am great at certain things to.
In the 12 weeks sessions i talked about how i struggle to cook, how i am not dumb i know what to do but my body sometimes does things differently, I talked about the break up with my ex.
I was told different coping methods, and to take each day as it comes.

over the 12 weeks, I started to feel better in myself, but i was still having days of not doing anything, not being able to hardly move, crying thinking of the past, then crying over nothing.
most days i felt so tired so weak, that all i wanted to do was sleep.
After having the sessions i was told that i could not get anymore help for 3 months, which i had to re apply to get the help.

In that time, I tired to snap myself out of my looping life, by going for walks trying to improve my stamina, and learn about photography.
Around this time i had moved into a wonderful shared house, which to me felt perfect and luxury.
The landlords were amazing, and often talked to them about things.
However about a month of feeling settled, my silly brain reverted back to getting into states, I was struggling to sleep, the bed which was like a cloud, felt horrible, and my room everyday felt smaller and smaller.
The reality was i was started to not feel right were i was even though at the same time it was everything that i needed? odd how you can have conflicting emotions like that.

One day i just said to myself right enough of this i need to change something in my life,
so i started playing tennis, started going to the gym, I slowly was also helping my local community.
Around the year of 2016 things were looking a bit better, but i know i still needed help, I put in a self referral form In November and was told in December that at the start of 2017 i could have some more sessions.

I had 5 sessions yes only 5 of Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Which worked on coping methods a bit more, seeing if certain things was the cause of the problems.
For me most of the time there is no trigger why i feel the way i do.
Although the physically activities have made me feel somewhat better, and others it has not, and i still have a lot of days where i fall apart over nothing.

The second to last session, I had enough of not getting the support i needed i poured my heart out telling the chap from the mental health team how i feel.
He told me i can look into weather we can put you into higher care, to see what else we can do for you.
The week after which was my last session i get told i had a word with team and we dont think your at that level where you need the care.

I didnt say this to him but really felt like saying it, which is so god for bid if i have some good days that i sometimes score low on your sheets, and that just because i do not score over 20 on your out of date, scoring that i do not need the help.
The Fact is The mental health services in lincolnshire, have been getting worse and worse every year.
Because i have been helping out with the local community but also learning what is going off the world, i know what is also happening to our NHS.
Which mental health is a part of the funding the NHS get to help people who suffer with issues.
I went to a lincoln last year to watch a county council meeting, and one of the points was talking about the closures and downgrades to mental health services.

The Fact is i do no want to live this way in my life, and when you cant get the help what can you do other then keep trying to fight through it which at times seems impossible.

Most doctors In Lincolnshire do not even understand mental health and there solution to it is to tell you to get over it, that we all have bad days..... oh and here are some anti depressants.

After a year being told back and forth from the doctors and the mental health team that i do not need them, i then get given them, which i stopped taking after 2 weeks.
Main reason was i was finally getting the physical strength i needed to be stronger, and as soon as i started taking them i felt so weak.
I could not lift weights at the gym from when i first started, i was getting massive headaches, i could barely walk, and all the time i felt tired even after getting a good amount of sleep.
So i stopped taking them, Now yes i still feel very low on days but i felt stronger, and better able to cope with not being on them.

Oh i also forgot to mention that the doctor who gave me tablets was a different doctors, as this year after being with the same doctors since moving to Grantham and them not helping me, i decided to change.
Which did not help as i saw 2 different doctors who told me like i mention to get over it (: yeah such really educated staff... not!!!

Anyway fast forwarding , I knew i was not going to get any help any time soon, i just kept fighting the depression back, trying new things out, to get myself out of the house, and joined up with a running club, so i was now doing running 2 times a week, tennis 3, and gym, 3-4 times a week.

At the start of this week, I was having very vivid and long dream, that when waking up i was remembering most of what i was thinking about.

which happens hardly ever, but on top of that i do not know why my brain just kept thinking of the things that i had dreamt about throughout the day, it felt like my life was on auto pilot and that was not really doing anything during the day.
It was also extremely hot and had been all week, which anything over 20c and i really struggle, i get headaches i can not focus on what i am doing, and i find most of my days in bed letting time fly by.

Monday night was a lot cooler, as i completed a 7k run, which i really struggled with and fighted to keep going i got back home my feet killing, legs felt like rubber and i felt good that i went for the run but i also felt low, and felt miserable again for no reason.

I woke up Tuesday not feeling great but knew i had to snap out of it as I had a important rest of the week to go, so i booked a tennis court to practice ready for the match, and then find myself leaving after a hour as i could not cope with the heat.

Still not feeling well on Wednesday i had 2 hours of tennis, but also the final run to end the coach to 5k course i had been doing with the running club.
It was over 20c as we set off running, and 4 times i had failed to do 5k only managing 3k due to the heat and that day was no exception.
In fact it was one of the worse runs i had done, I loved the route we went on but i was struggling so much, that i really did not feel well when i got home, and i think i pulled something in my leg.
Hoping it would heal because going onto the day where is why i am writing this blog post, the biggest test of my life so far.
I had been asked to play in a team for tennis club, a month a go, and with 2 matches having to be cancelled i was really looking forward to it.
The weather also a little cooler as well so i did not have to worry about not feeling well.

I got there early to work on my serves, and just before we started we was told the match format.
So in tennis the score are, 15-30-40 game etc and depending on how well the other team play , the scores can be 15-15, 30,30-40-40 and then going to deuce and advantage etc.
After which 1 game would be won, so when your told your going to be playing 13 games, in 3 doubles matches making it 39 games, that really knocked my confidence before it has began.

I wanted to enjoy the matches but also play the best i have ever done, and well the people me and my team mate were playing was just out of this world.

People who had been playing for 20+ years with such powerful serves making it hard to get a return back.

After a hour, i was starting to feel ill, my feet heavy, my vision going strange and playing like i forgot how to play,

I started to get frustrated at myself and missing most of the serves, and the more i tried the worser my game got.

I also kept forgetting where to postition myself, as in doubles you have to much to think about.
If your team mate has a strong serve meaning its hard for the other team to return then you have to be close to the net, and then stand back to the line for the second serve if he misses.
then if your team mate is serving and your at the net, its deciding where to postion yourself on every shot, do you stay at the net in case they hit a soft shot you can counter, if they hit it close to the net but on the other side of the court you then have to chase for it.
Or even having to run backwards if they try to lob it over you.

I am not going to into all the details of tennis but trust me when i say that is only 1 set of things you have to think about when playing tennis.

I enjoy tennis the most, but i have never played at a competitive level, and that is only 1/5 of the skill level i would say, i think a lot of times people who watch tennis who have never played it.
Go oh its just hitting a ball, how boring, or that looks easy, when trust me you will not be saying its easy when you have a go playing in a tough competitive game.
Most sports are the same, they look easy but you do not realize how much physically strength is needed, the things you need to learn about, your brain makes so many decisions within just a second its amazing.

For me i am no where near the physically standard i need to be, and although i enjoy everything i do, its really took its tole.
Because i suffer most days with my stupid depression i have to push myself to try even harder and most days after coming back from running or tennis, i end up doing mostly nothing else all day.
Having to soak my feet in a bowl for a hour trying to get them to heal, while trying to stop my shoulder and legs from hurting.
which then makes me feel low because i hurt so much and the cycle never stops
Now people who do not know me, may go really all this because you do rubbish on your first big match, grow up, etc.
Its not just the fact of the match, i felt like this for weeks, in pain i know sport is never a easy things but if its really hurting so much that it also makes you feel rubbish about yourself then you start to think is it worth it.
I just starting to burst out crying, my head banging, i got hardly any sleep, and woke up feeling dizzy.
I got out Friday to have a game of pool with some friends for a hour but even that i was struggling and just wanted to go home to go to sleep.

Expect for the physically i also feel as a person that i am looping back to how i was when my depression first hit.
my aniexty being a bit factor that i cant go to a event without the stupid thoughts in my brain thinking people are laughing at me or looking at me funny even though i know they are not my brain at the time thinks otherwise.
I struggle to talk to people as in a normal conversation, and in the last few months that has only gotten worse.

If a photo is being taken, i tend to hide away, even though i am confident of taking selfies and taking photography. ... confused ???

I have missed so much in my life because of my own actions, i missed Park run today which was Our runnings club Graduation because i feel so rubbish but also just feeling so confused weather i should stop playing tennis and doing the running.

I miss out on going to events with friends because of either money or again knowing that i would want to leave or not feel right.

Even today there is a carnival going with lots of things going off that i want to capture photography.
But instead i am sat not feeling well, sat in my own stupid miserable thoughts.

I went out to get shopping this morning, and my legs just hurt so much, weather that is from pulling something from tennis or that could even be my depression making me feel worser then i am.

I do not want much in life, but the one thing i wish i could have would be getting help that i need.
what breaks us makes us stronger, i have said that a lot, but even at times i question that saying.
So i might bounce back stronger then i am feeling but again at what cost if everytime it bounces me back to how i feel right now, confused on what i wanna do in life.
I thought i had my depression at least a bit under control and that i was happy because i was changing my life, i was stronger happy, i made friends, i help my community, and i had at least something to do everyday, now i just feel like a wreck.
My friends say to maybe take one thing off your list your doing, but there lies the circle again, when i dont have a lot of things to do, my demons fight back, and on the other hand when i am doing so much, that i have no strength to fight they can win anyway .. AHH!!!!

I just wish that i could be a normal person, in society terms that i could just hang out with friends have a night out listing to music, and enjoying life, i want to explore and there is so much i wanna do, but just end up living the same circle off staying in a room on my computer, ahh life.

The only good thing i can say is that the last few months mental health has been talked about more and more, and i have started to surrounded myself with people who understand.
To me if i am friends with someone who tell me to get over it then, they are not my friend and they do not understand what i go through.
so my advice to everyone is, people who suffer are not classed as mental just because it has mental in the title, we all suffer from mental health, at some point in our lives, its not nice and at times we need to have that support that care from friends, etc to bounce back, so please if you have a friend who is struggling, reach out to them, talk to them and help, them, even if you cant help try and find someone who can (:

Thank you for reading

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