A week a go i wrote a blog post about the toughest physically week ahead, My plans were to write a blog post about how my photography has improved over the last year, but also another post about how i coped with the week.
Instead of writing how good the week has been instead there are things in my life i need to reflect on and it was not until this challenging week that is has really opened my eyes.
As i blog a lot i will try not to repeat much of what i have talked about considering my mental well being.
At the same time trying to get across what goes on in my life for those people who have not read any other of my posts before.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but it was not until the start of 2016 i decided to get help.
When i needed the help at my worst stage i could not even talk about it or even start to feel about for at least 5 months.
I had 12 weeks of counseling, in those sessions i would be digging up my deep past about my parents.
Who i choose to no longer to speak to and its been nearly a year since i have spoken to them.
They are part of the reason why i am the way i am, and why i suffer badly with depression.
A lot of people when you say i never want to see or hear from my parents again, look down on you, like you might not want to be a part of there lives now but you might want to be later in life.
Which well may be true but the way i feel at the moment not caring what they think about me, i am much better off without them, not feeling like a failure not having to look up to them, they never really tried to understand me, and this last year has been a great discovery about myself.
Learning that i do have some problems but also i am great at certain things to.
In the 12 weeks sessions i talked about how i struggle to cook, how i am not dumb i know what to do but my body sometimes does things differently, I talked about the break up with my ex.
I was told different coping methods, and to take each day as it comes.
over the 12 weeks, I started to feel better in myself, but i was still having days of not doing anything, not being able to hardly move, crying thinking of the past, then crying over nothing.
most days i felt so tired so weak, that all i wanted to do was sleep.
After having the sessions i was told that i could not get anymore help for 3 months, which i had to re apply to get the help.
most days i felt so tired so weak, that all i wanted to do was sleep.
After having the sessions i was told that i could not get anymore help for 3 months, which i had to re apply to get the help.
In that time, I tired to snap myself out of my looping life, by going for walks trying to improve my stamina, and learn about photography.
Around this time i had moved into a wonderful shared house, which to me felt perfect and luxury.
The landlords were amazing, and often talked to them about things.
However about a month of feeling settled, my silly brain reverted back to getting into states, I was struggling to sleep, the bed which was like a cloud, felt horrible, and my room everyday felt smaller and smaller.
The reality was i was started to not feel right were i was even though at the same time it was everything that i needed? odd how you can have conflicting emotions like that.
One day i just said to myself right enough of this i need to change something in my life,
so i started playing tennis, started going to the gym, I slowly was also helping my local community.
Around the year of 2016 things were looking a bit better, but i know i still needed help, I put in a self referral form In November and was told in December that at the start of 2017 i could have some more sessions.
I had 5 sessions yes only 5 of Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Which worked on coping methods a bit more, seeing if certain things was the cause of the problems.
For me most of the time there is no trigger why i feel the way i do.
Although the physically activities have made me feel somewhat better, and others it has not, and i still have a lot of days where i fall apart over nothing.
The second to last session, I had enough of not getting the support i needed i poured my heart out telling the chap from the mental health team how i feel.
He told me i can look into weather we can put you into higher care, to see what else we can do for you.
The week after which was my last session i get told i had a word with team and we dont think your at that level where you need the care.
I didnt say this to him but really felt like saying it, which is so god for bid if i have some good days that i sometimes score low on your sheets, and that just because i do not score over 20 on your out of date, scoring that i do not need the help.
The Fact is The mental health services in lincolnshire, have been getting worse and worse every year.
Because i have been helping out with the local community but also learning what is going off the world, i know what is also happening to our NHS.
Which mental health is a part of the funding the NHS get to help people who suffer with issues.
I went to a lincoln last year to watch a county council meeting, and one of the points was talking about the closures and downgrades to mental health services.
The Fact is i do no want to live this way in my life, and when you cant get the help what can you do other then keep trying to fight through it which at times seems impossible.
Most doctors In Lincolnshire do not even understand mental health and there solution to it is to tell you to get over it, that we all have bad days..... oh and here are some anti depressants.
After a year being told back and forth from the doctors and the mental health team that i do not need them, i then get given them, which i stopped taking after 2 weeks.
Main reason was i was finally getting the physical strength i needed to be stronger, and as soon as i started taking them i felt so weak.
I could not lift weights at the gym from when i first started, i was getting massive headaches, i could barely walk, and all the time i felt tired even after getting a good amount of sleep.
So i stopped taking them, Now yes i still feel very low on days but i felt stronger, and better able to cope with not being on them.
Oh i also forgot to mention that the doctor who gave me tablets was a different doctors, as this year after being with the same doctors since moving to Grantham and them not helping me, i decided to change.
Which did not help as i saw 2 different doctors who told me like i mention to get over it (: yeah such really educated staff... not!!!
Anyway fast forwarding , I knew i was not going to get any help any time soon, i just kept fighting the depression back, trying new things out, to get myself out of the house, and joined up with a running club, so i was now doing running 2 times a week, tennis 3, and gym, 3-4 times a week.
At the start of this week, I was having very vivid and long dream, that when waking up i was remembering most of what i was thinking about.
Around this time i had moved into a wonderful shared house, which to me felt perfect and luxury.
The landlords were amazing, and often talked to them about things.
However about a month of feeling settled, my silly brain reverted back to getting into states, I was struggling to sleep, the bed which was like a cloud, felt horrible, and my room everyday felt smaller and smaller.
The reality was i was started to not feel right were i was even though at the same time it was everything that i needed? odd how you can have conflicting emotions like that.
One day i just said to myself right enough of this i need to change something in my life,
so i started playing tennis, started going to the gym, I slowly was also helping my local community.
Around the year of 2016 things were looking a bit better, but i know i still needed help, I put in a self referral form In November and was told in December that at the start of 2017 i could have some more sessions.
I had 5 sessions yes only 5 of Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Which worked on coping methods a bit more, seeing if certain things was the cause of the problems.
For me most of the time there is no trigger why i feel the way i do.
Although the physically activities have made me feel somewhat better, and others it has not, and i still have a lot of days where i fall apart over nothing.
The second to last session, I had enough of not getting the support i needed i poured my heart out telling the chap from the mental health team how i feel.
He told me i can look into weather we can put you into higher care, to see what else we can do for you.
The week after which was my last session i get told i had a word with team and we dont think your at that level where you need the care.
I didnt say this to him but really felt like saying it, which is so god for bid if i have some good days that i sometimes score low on your sheets, and that just because i do not score over 20 on your out of date, scoring that i do not need the help.
The Fact is The mental health services in lincolnshire, have been getting worse and worse every year.
Because i have been helping out with the local community but also learning what is going off the world, i know what is also happening to our NHS.
Which mental health is a part of the funding the NHS get to help people who suffer with issues.
I went to a lincoln last year to watch a county council meeting, and one of the points was talking about the closures and downgrades to mental health services.
The Fact is i do no want to live this way in my life, and when you cant get the help what can you do other then keep trying to fight through it which at times seems impossible.
Most doctors In Lincolnshire do not even understand mental health and there solution to it is to tell you to get over it, that we all have bad days..... oh and here are some anti depressants.
After a year being told back and forth from the doctors and the mental health team that i do not need them, i then get given them, which i stopped taking after 2 weeks.
Main reason was i was finally getting the physical strength i needed to be stronger, and as soon as i started taking them i felt so weak.
I could not lift weights at the gym from when i first started, i was getting massive headaches, i could barely walk, and all the time i felt tired even after getting a good amount of sleep.
So i stopped taking them, Now yes i still feel very low on days but i felt stronger, and better able to cope with not being on them.
Oh i also forgot to mention that the doctor who gave me tablets was a different doctors, as this year after being with the same doctors since moving to Grantham and them not helping me, i decided to change.
Which did not help as i saw 2 different doctors who told me like i mention to get over it (: yeah such really educated staff... not!!!
Anyway fast forwarding , I knew i was not going to get any help any time soon, i just kept fighting the depression back, trying new things out, to get myself out of the house, and joined up with a running club, so i was now doing running 2 times a week, tennis 3, and gym, 3-4 times a week.
At the start of this week, I was having very vivid and long dream, that when waking up i was remembering most of what i was thinking about.
which happens hardly ever, but on top of that i do not know why my brain just kept thinking of the things that i had dreamt about throughout the day, it felt like my life was on auto pilot and that was not really doing anything during the day.
It was also extremely hot and had been all week, which anything over 20c and i really struggle, i get headaches i can not focus on what i am doing, and i find most of my days in bed letting time fly by.
Monday night was a lot cooler, as i completed a 7k run, which i really struggled with and fighted to keep going i got back home my feet killing, legs felt like rubber and i felt good that i went for the run but i also felt low, and felt miserable again for no reason.
I woke up Tuesday not feeling great but knew i had to snap out of it as I had a important rest of the week to go, so i booked a tennis court to practice ready for the match, and then find myself leaving after a hour as i could not cope with the heat.
Still not feeling well on Wednesday i had 2 hours of tennis, but also the final run to end the coach to 5k course i had been doing with the running club.
It was over 20c as we set off running, and 4 times i had failed to do 5k only managing 3k due to the heat and that day was no exception.
In fact it was one of the worse runs i had done, I loved the route we went on but i was struggling so much, that i really did not feel well when i got home, and i think i pulled something in my leg.
Hoping it would heal because going onto the day where is why i am writing this blog post, the biggest test of my life so far.
I had been asked to play in a team for tennis club, a month a go, and with 2 matches having to be cancelled i was really looking forward to it.
The weather also a little cooler as well so i did not have to worry about not feeling well.
I got there early to work on my serves, and just before we started we was told the match format.
So in tennis the score are, 15-30-40 game etc and depending on how well the other team play , the scores can be 15-15, 30,30-40-40 and then going to deuce and advantage etc.
After which 1 game would be won, so when your told your going to be playing 13 games, in 3 doubles matches making it 39 games, that really knocked my confidence before it has began.
I wanted to enjoy the matches but also play the best i have ever done, and well the people me and my team mate were playing was just out of this world.
People who had been playing for 20+ years with such powerful serves making it hard to get a return back.
After a hour, i was starting to feel ill, my feet heavy, my vision going strange and playing like i forgot how to play,
I started to get frustrated at myself and missing most of the serves, and the more i tried the worser my game got.
I also kept forgetting where to postition myself, as in doubles you have to much to think about.
If your team mate has a strong serve meaning its hard for the other team to return then you have to be close to the net, and then stand back to the line for the second serve if he misses.
then if your team mate is serving and your at the net, its deciding where to postion yourself on every shot, do you stay at the net in case they hit a soft shot you can counter, if they hit it close to the net but on the other side of the court you then have to chase for it.
Or even having to run backwards if they try to lob it over you.
I am not going to into all the details of tennis but trust me when i say that is only 1 set of things you have to think about when playing tennis.
I enjoy tennis the most, but i have never played at a competitive level, and that is only 1/5 of the skill level i would say, i think a lot of times people who watch tennis who have never played it.
Go oh its just hitting a ball, how boring, or that looks easy, when trust me you will not be saying its easy when you have a go playing in a tough competitive game.
Most sports are the same, they look easy but you do not realize how much physically strength is needed, the things you need to learn about, your brain makes so many decisions within just a second its amazing.
For me i am no where near the physically standard i need to be, and although i enjoy everything i do, its really took its tole.
Because i suffer most days with my stupid depression i have to push myself to try even harder and most days after coming back from running or tennis, i end up doing mostly nothing else all day.
Having to soak my feet in a bowl for a hour trying to get them to heal, while trying to stop my shoulder and legs from hurting.
which then makes me feel low because i hurt so much and the cycle never stops
Now people who do not know me, may go really all this because you do rubbish on your first big match, grow up, etc.
Its not just the fact of the match, i felt like this for weeks, in pain i know sport is never a easy things but if its really hurting so much that it also makes you feel rubbish about yourself then you start to think is it worth it.
I just starting to burst out crying, my head banging, i got hardly any sleep, and woke up feeling dizzy.
I got out Friday to have a game of pool with some friends for a hour but even that i was struggling and just wanted to go home to go to sleep.
Expect for the physically i also feel as a person that i am looping back to how i was when my depression first hit.
my aniexty being a bit factor that i cant go to a event without the stupid thoughts in my brain thinking people are laughing at me or looking at me funny even though i know they are not my brain at the time thinks otherwise.
I struggle to talk to people as in a normal conversation, and in the last few months that has only gotten worse.
If a photo is being taken, i tend to hide away, even though i am confident of taking selfies and taking photography. ... confused ???
I have missed so much in my life because of my own actions, i missed Park run today which was Our runnings club Graduation because i feel so rubbish but also just feeling so confused weather i should stop playing tennis and doing the running.
I miss out on going to events with friends because of either money or again knowing that i would want to leave or not feel right.
Even today there is a carnival going with lots of things going off that i want to capture photography.
But instead i am sat not feeling well, sat in my own stupid miserable thoughts.
I went out to get shopping this morning, and my legs just hurt so much, weather that is from pulling something from tennis or that could even be my depression making me feel worser then i am.
I do not want much in life, but the one thing i wish i could have would be getting help that i need.
what breaks us makes us stronger, i have said that a lot, but even at times i question that saying.
So i might bounce back stronger then i am feeling but again at what cost if everytime it bounces me back to how i feel right now, confused on what i wanna do in life.
I thought i had my depression at least a bit under control and that i was happy because i was changing my life, i was stronger happy, i made friends, i help my community, and i had at least something to do everyday, now i just feel like a wreck.
My friends say to maybe take one thing off your list your doing, but there lies the circle again, when i dont have a lot of things to do, my demons fight back, and on the other hand when i am doing so much, that i have no strength to fight they can win anyway .. AHH!!!!
I just wish that i could be a normal person, in society terms that i could just hang out with friends have a night out listing to music, and enjoying life, i want to explore and there is so much i wanna do, but just end up living the same circle off staying in a room on my computer, ahh life.
The only good thing i can say is that the last few months mental health has been talked about more and more, and i have started to surrounded myself with people who understand.
To me if i am friends with someone who tell me to get over it then, they are not my friend and they do not understand what i go through.
so my advice to everyone is, people who suffer are not classed as mental just because it has mental in the title, we all suffer from mental health, at some point in our lives, its not nice and at times we need to have that support that care from friends, etc to bounce back, so please if you have a friend who is struggling, reach out to them, talk to them and help, them, even if you cant help try and find someone who can (:
Thank you for reading
My social Links
It was also extremely hot and had been all week, which anything over 20c and i really struggle, i get headaches i can not focus on what i am doing, and i find most of my days in bed letting time fly by.
Monday night was a lot cooler, as i completed a 7k run, which i really struggled with and fighted to keep going i got back home my feet killing, legs felt like rubber and i felt good that i went for the run but i also felt low, and felt miserable again for no reason.
I woke up Tuesday not feeling great but knew i had to snap out of it as I had a important rest of the week to go, so i booked a tennis court to practice ready for the match, and then find myself leaving after a hour as i could not cope with the heat.
Still not feeling well on Wednesday i had 2 hours of tennis, but also the final run to end the coach to 5k course i had been doing with the running club.
It was over 20c as we set off running, and 4 times i had failed to do 5k only managing 3k due to the heat and that day was no exception.
In fact it was one of the worse runs i had done, I loved the route we went on but i was struggling so much, that i really did not feel well when i got home, and i think i pulled something in my leg.
Hoping it would heal because going onto the day where is why i am writing this blog post, the biggest test of my life so far.
I had been asked to play in a team for tennis club, a month a go, and with 2 matches having to be cancelled i was really looking forward to it.
The weather also a little cooler as well so i did not have to worry about not feeling well.
I got there early to work on my serves, and just before we started we was told the match format.
So in tennis the score are, 15-30-40 game etc and depending on how well the other team play , the scores can be 15-15, 30,30-40-40 and then going to deuce and advantage etc.
After which 1 game would be won, so when your told your going to be playing 13 games, in 3 doubles matches making it 39 games, that really knocked my confidence before it has began.
I wanted to enjoy the matches but also play the best i have ever done, and well the people me and my team mate were playing was just out of this world.
People who had been playing for 20+ years with such powerful serves making it hard to get a return back.
After a hour, i was starting to feel ill, my feet heavy, my vision going strange and playing like i forgot how to play,
I started to get frustrated at myself and missing most of the serves, and the more i tried the worser my game got.
I also kept forgetting where to postition myself, as in doubles you have to much to think about.
If your team mate has a strong serve meaning its hard for the other team to return then you have to be close to the net, and then stand back to the line for the second serve if he misses.
then if your team mate is serving and your at the net, its deciding where to postion yourself on every shot, do you stay at the net in case they hit a soft shot you can counter, if they hit it close to the net but on the other side of the court you then have to chase for it.
Or even having to run backwards if they try to lob it over you.
I am not going to into all the details of tennis but trust me when i say that is only 1 set of things you have to think about when playing tennis.
I enjoy tennis the most, but i have never played at a competitive level, and that is only 1/5 of the skill level i would say, i think a lot of times people who watch tennis who have never played it.
Go oh its just hitting a ball, how boring, or that looks easy, when trust me you will not be saying its easy when you have a go playing in a tough competitive game.
Most sports are the same, they look easy but you do not realize how much physically strength is needed, the things you need to learn about, your brain makes so many decisions within just a second its amazing.
For me i am no where near the physically standard i need to be, and although i enjoy everything i do, its really took its tole.
Because i suffer most days with my stupid depression i have to push myself to try even harder and most days after coming back from running or tennis, i end up doing mostly nothing else all day.
Having to soak my feet in a bowl for a hour trying to get them to heal, while trying to stop my shoulder and legs from hurting.
which then makes me feel low because i hurt so much and the cycle never stops
Now people who do not know me, may go really all this because you do rubbish on your first big match, grow up, etc.
Its not just the fact of the match, i felt like this for weeks, in pain i know sport is never a easy things but if its really hurting so much that it also makes you feel rubbish about yourself then you start to think is it worth it.
I just starting to burst out crying, my head banging, i got hardly any sleep, and woke up feeling dizzy.
I got out Friday to have a game of pool with some friends for a hour but even that i was struggling and just wanted to go home to go to sleep.
Expect for the physically i also feel as a person that i am looping back to how i was when my depression first hit.
my aniexty being a bit factor that i cant go to a event without the stupid thoughts in my brain thinking people are laughing at me or looking at me funny even though i know they are not my brain at the time thinks otherwise.
I struggle to talk to people as in a normal conversation, and in the last few months that has only gotten worse.
If a photo is being taken, i tend to hide away, even though i am confident of taking selfies and taking photography. ... confused ???
I have missed so much in my life because of my own actions, i missed Park run today which was Our runnings club Graduation because i feel so rubbish but also just feeling so confused weather i should stop playing tennis and doing the running.
I miss out on going to events with friends because of either money or again knowing that i would want to leave or not feel right.
Even today there is a carnival going with lots of things going off that i want to capture photography.
But instead i am sat not feeling well, sat in my own stupid miserable thoughts.
I went out to get shopping this morning, and my legs just hurt so much, weather that is from pulling something from tennis or that could even be my depression making me feel worser then i am.
I do not want much in life, but the one thing i wish i could have would be getting help that i need.
what breaks us makes us stronger, i have said that a lot, but even at times i question that saying.
So i might bounce back stronger then i am feeling but again at what cost if everytime it bounces me back to how i feel right now, confused on what i wanna do in life.
I thought i had my depression at least a bit under control and that i was happy because i was changing my life, i was stronger happy, i made friends, i help my community, and i had at least something to do everyday, now i just feel like a wreck.
My friends say to maybe take one thing off your list your doing, but there lies the circle again, when i dont have a lot of things to do, my demons fight back, and on the other hand when i am doing so much, that i have no strength to fight they can win anyway .. AHH!!!!
I just wish that i could be a normal person, in society terms that i could just hang out with friends have a night out listing to music, and enjoying life, i want to explore and there is so much i wanna do, but just end up living the same circle off staying in a room on my computer, ahh life.
The only good thing i can say is that the last few months mental health has been talked about more and more, and i have started to surrounded myself with people who understand.
To me if i am friends with someone who tell me to get over it then, they are not my friend and they do not understand what i go through.
so my advice to everyone is, people who suffer are not classed as mental just because it has mental in the title, we all suffer from mental health, at some point in our lives, its not nice and at times we need to have that support that care from friends, etc to bounce back, so please if you have a friend who is struggling, reach out to them, talk to them and help, them, even if you cant help try and find someone who can (:
Thank you for reading
My social Links
https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/
https://twitter.com/DanMediaP
https://twitter.com/HLincolnshire
https://twitter.com/HLincolnshire
https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC
https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs
https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/
http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/
http://dmpuk.weebly.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment