The Month that has shocked me the most in my life | Looking back at January 2018 !!! | Daniel Marshall Adventures

I made the Decision only a few weeks into January that i wanted to change the way i write what is on my mind.
Instead of just writing a long post about a topic when i felt like it, i came up with the idea of setting myself a goal each month to talk about how a month has gone.

This month has had a few ups and downs but its the best month across the years, and when i say its not really been that eventful to compared to other months in my life you will know why its been the best !!!! (:

Now although this post is about January i wanted to inc a magical experience at the end of December 2017

I had decided That although i loved Photography, it had been acting as a shield to defend my anxiety, a way i could go to events and be around a lot of people and cope a bit better.
However that only made me not feel safe or happy whenever i decided to go without the use of my camera, it made dealing with people even harder. So i decided to put photography to one side for the time being.
On the 30th December was an experience like living a dream, and when i look back i wish it never ended !!!

I went to see CJ Hatt a musician I have seen so many times now and can never get enough of listening to him live, he brings humor, a talkative and killer list of songs to perform to every gig he goes to.

The place was Castlegate In Grantham, and with it being a few days before the new year i expected the place to be really busy, instead it still had a lot of people but the right kind that made my night special.

I went without my bag, without my camera and just experienced his pure talent, being relaxed and having a blast.
Now when i say i kind of danced even though i can not at all !!! it pushed my safe zone so much but was glad that so many people understood and tried to just make me come out of my comfort zone.

CJ started to play a frozen song that he nailed which was requested by one of the viewers,
every song he played and sung was him playing at his best.
The mood of the place was amazing, everyone dancing and enjoying the end of 2017.
I was offered to dance so many times that in the end i was given no choice haha,
Although i was so anixous, shy and just well over thinking everything, it was a experience that i have always wanted, just to be able to be me, and join in with everyone.
I admit seeing everyone else always have fun no matter how much you try to look on the bright side always makes you feel a little sad.
Sad that you are not Joining in, and to not only feel more free dancing but to just let my hair down and sing along to the songs to.

I had never been surround by so many people that believed in the person i can be and just really opened my eyes on what i had been missing because i either took my camera or did not turn up because i knew i would not feel right (:

 
Fitness never stops even on the first day of 2018 !!! It had been so cold Throughout December but i never gave up going to the gym and playing tennis.
I do not know what came over me but i just felt like starting the year with my first outside run in many months.
So I put on My Myzone belt, Started from Grantham college, and worked out a route i wanted to take, and just kept it steady, making sure not to over do it since i was not used to running in the cold.
My idea was that i wanted to slowly get back into outdoor running to train myself to be able to run again at park runs.

I have used the belt while working out at the gym, and playing tennis but never when on a run, so i was shocked and happy to see my stats when i got back, to see that my peak heart rate was high when i was not even pushing at my best (:

Sadly i had a feel down days after that due to coming down with a bad illness and it being 2 years since i split up with my ex, I mentioned her a fair bit in my blogs so i wont say anymore (:

Despite that small set back, i powered through my illness still being me, still enjoying life and being happy with tennis and gym.

In Fact The start of 2018 has been very cold, but i have also surprised myself as normally i can not take the cold, i also bury myself in bed and get bad headaches from the cold.

So as well as being able to power the cold, i was breaking my own fitness records at the gym classes.
I was able to put even more effort in, still be me, still have fun and be very competitive.
I was proud of myself because i maintained a high average effort, a high average heart rate and even though i was coughing and felt like collapsing i pushed myself to get a high heart rate as well (:

I think the key to my fitness and success is that i do try for someone, i do not try to impress people, I just bring me to everything i do, my personality, and of course i would not have the same push and be happy without the people i have surrounded myself with.
When i am in the classes, yes i am battling to win the class but i am surrounded by awesome music, awesome motivation by the staff, and the awesome people in the classes !!!!

Its the same at tennis and that is why this whole month has been some of my best tennis matches, some of best playing, and why tennis this month has been the most fun.
As soon as i stopped worrying so much with what i could not do and what things i really kept trying to do over and over, getting really stressed and failing, I became more happy.

In a way i take Physical Strength very serious, its helped me no end to not only get stronger, which has helped me played amazing shots and run for balls i never thought i would get, to helping my mind with my mental health.

In a way its not me being Negative i guess but the gym and Tennis is all i have in my life.
Yes i have photography but that is something i have had to have a long think over.

I can not Believe i am writing this but expect for taking pics of my muscles and myself, I have not taken any Photography in over a month.
I have not even gone for any walks like i normally used to do 1-2 times a week.
I simply just focused on the love of tennis, and getting stronger at the gym, filling my life, with the people in my life and just living in the moment rather then having to capture it.

I love photography, and i love seeing what people capture, but it no longer takes over my life as must as it used to.
Its good sometimes to have a break from something as you get to gather information and then almost start from the beginning looking what works and what does not.

For example, I knew from day one from experience Prior Before buying the same Camera i have used in the past that its not good in low light and not got a great zoom, in the best mode to capture photography which is the Raw Format.
I know from looking back at my work that night photography is not capable with my camera, and that indoor photography with low lighting again will not take great pictures.

So I use this Information to form a plan on what i should work on, Which is mostly Outdoor events as my skill is taking pictures of people.
I know my Camera can be great in black and white for photography of live music with poor lighting, or lighting that has a lot of different colours going off.
If i shoot in anything other then Raw yes i may get the very slim chance of a unique shot, and yes i can zoom further but when it comes to Editing where my other skill comes into play, i dont have near enough tools at my disposal.

So my camera may have a lot of flaws but it also has a very Uniqueness when it comes to Using Photoshop to edit them !!!

Then there is my Video Production side, I gave up the idea ages a go of even trying to spend so many hours, of learning trying to turn my videos into Professional content.

I do not have the top of the range computers, so if i am doing a big project, it will often crash, go slow and then there is having to use public WiFi of the cost of a drink in order to upload the Video.
I have a portable wifi Device due to Living in Temp Housing and arent allowed to have The likes of Virgin etc Installed even though it would save trips and money  to places with decent wifi.

If i was being paid for my work it would not be so bad but i do this with my own time and money.
Why???? Well its simple my video quality will never be that high enough for money to be made.
I wouldnt want it any other way, Its to stressful i have been there and done that.
For me I may only make say 5 videos a year but i do them to help the local community that in it self its my reward, I admit sometimes it gets stressful as i want to do a good job but overall i enjoy seeing the finished product and seeing the comments and shares.

Again its Balancing your life, Trying to compete with other local video Production companies but to much stress to the point i lose interest in the whole Production side.
To some my life may not be much but i have had to get up everyday and force myself just to be where i am now.
If my physical health was took away from me and my photography, i would be where i was 2 years a go, in pieces, getting stressed, upset for hours everyday, and simply not wanting to live.

I may post a lot on my Facebook how happy a session has gone and how my physical health has improved so much, again its all i have and i strive to always push my limits, to better, achieve at what i know i can do.

Only the other day I sat and laughed and thought in a way i have always been really good at things that have a competitive and adrenaline edge to them.

I haven't done Gaming in over 2 years but when i was gaming i used to do it 4+ hours a day,
The games i was really good at was racing, i spent so much of my life clued to it.
Going online on my fav game Driveclub, and Competing in Timed events, doing lap after lap trying to get into the top 100 haha.

When i finished school, i picked up golf very quickly and was good at it, I used to do Badminton and was extremely good at it, see the pattern yet haha.

If i am given a target, i excel and i think that is why i win classes at the gym and why I am able to be so happy, because i am getting that Pure craved Adrenaline rush.
When i am in that nothing else matters, no bills no having to worry about my future etc just me having the time of my life.

I came away from having a lot of things in my life, to barley having anything it took time but because the one thing which was gaming that used to take so much of time up had gone i was forced to find something else i could pour my heart into.

Yes i do miss gaming, but i would rather be outside using that same drive into tennis, i would rather get stronger then be a couch patio (:

Just because i seem to be happy a lot does not always mean i am, i have started to try and post less negative things on social media mainly because my life as a whole is much better then it used to be.

By doing that though just make you think that i am happy all the time, and this month i have had a few small wobbles Depression and aniexty are still there and will always be there.

I think one of the most common used words that is used to motivate someone but sometimes no many how many times its said and by how many people does not mean it works for everyone.
That word being come out of your comfort zone !!!!

For me, i have this battle most days and most of the time its autally in my happy places.
So for example the classes, i have mentioned this before in a blog which is the watt bike classes.
Yes i am in a room with people, but the bikes are facing at a screen and so are you, watching every second as your percent goes up and down making sure your in the right zone.
You have not got time to worry about others in the room because of that rush you are getting.

Many times i have been asked to join in classes like boxing, circuits and others but i do fear i will never have the courage to do them.

This is because of 2 big reasons, one is the fact is often takes someone showing me over and over in order to do something because of my Dysprixa, this will then take a lot of time from others in the class as well as feeling stupid in front of others because i can not the simple workouts.

I still have to have my friend at the gym, helped with getting my arms and body in the right postitions for some workouts, and even after being shown, i get so frustrated, i do not show it but at times i just feel like punching the wall or going home as i know how to do the silly workout but my body wont listen.
This is some kind of good that comes from that as i use that anger to channel my strength in order to lift and do higher weights then i would think possible, again its that aderlaine  rush.

Combine looking like a idiot with not being comfty around people does not make a good mix.
Then it becomes annoying because it looks like i am always avoiding people or there seems something quite not right with me.

That is why I celebrate a lot when i do achieve something that others may do quicker or a lot better as it took me a while to get there and of course i am then happy i have done said thing.

From learning about myself is again that pure drive, Ok by the end of playing tennis or the gym class i am shattered beyond belief, its not because i have no stamina, its because i put everything into it.
at tennis even if the shortest shot has been played, i will run like there is no tomorrow and pull of some out of this world shots.
I could be losing in a match, my opponent making me run for every ball, sweating, aching but i will not give up and again am able to pull off shots out of no where, feet hurting about to give in and still have that drive to keep pushing.

At the gym is the same for the classes last few mins of the class, feet hurting, I know if i back off i end up losing to someone else after doing so well, so i push through that pain barrier in order to find an extra charged battery and go even faster then i had throughout the session.
I may end up most of the time hurting myself but that is me i am a fighter and the only way to break records is to always push your limits.

That is why a wonderful person last year posted this at the park run !!!
it was i think only my 3rd parkrun it got to last bend and in all honestly i was in massive pain.
I had already stopped for a few seconds 3-4 times across the event, but i saw someone i knew that i wanted to finish in front of them, and is was like Turbo just kicked in, from out of no where i rushed past so many people to the finish line, like that was i was done out of it, one turn back and yet I managed to kick it into overdrive !!!

It really is amazing how far you can push your body, Most of the fight is always in your brain its your brain that tells you, you are in pain, and ok sometimes is best not to push but if you always listened to your brain you would never get anywhere !!!!

Doing anything physical does not fix your issues but it does make you more happier it does make you have a better outlook in life.

Is has been hard to try and do new things in my life but i have so many barriers stopping me,
I have never been a social person, even though that is what i crave so much,

Even though i have friends and even though i know a lot of people at the gym and tennis, i am so caught up having fun doing what i am doing that being social kind of goes out of the window.

I do not seem to have that capable switch in order for myself to force my social side out, no matter how much i try, the most i seem to be able to do is say hello, how are you, or if a talking point is made after that i go quiet, and then act awkward.

I still keep trying, for me even if i am not talking much just being around people and listening to what they have to say makes me happy at least it keeps my brain from thinking bad things.

That it why i was so happy months a go to find the Magic Cottage In Grantham, to be able to go there laid back social meets once a month, and just be around amazing people.
I was so happy for the owner to say at the last social only last week that they were expanding after only a year of opening as a business (:

For me its good to not only be able to help a business with my photography but be a part of the growing of the businesses.
Networking is a power tool, and it has helped me a little with being social.
My happiness comes from seeing others happy, from seeing businesses grow and that then turns into inspiration to try/ improve my own skills.

Its odd because when i look back at the start of 2017 It may have had a lot more things going off then the start of this year, due to starting new things, and coming out of my shell more.
However the start of this year has been my most happiest and less busy month.
I think what has surprised me the most has been my will power through the cold, to be able to play tennis at 2 degrees and play my best game after game, to compared to last year where the cold just was making me ill.

I did have a small scare a week back when i started to get what i thought and others thought other then the doctors a migraine.
I suffer when its cold anyway and always get headaches, but last week the pain was in one place at the top of my head, i could feel my heart beating through it and every time it pounded it hurt so much that i was in total pain.
It got that bad that i do not normally give up on things it takes a lot but coming back from playing tennis it felt like i was about to pass out, i got home, crawled into bed and went to sleep.
Only after a hour of trying to sleep did it stop and with help from taking tablets i had over from recovering from my illness i had weeks before.

The next day it hurt really bad again so i went to the doctors and said it was not a migraine but just could be sinuses from my illness just gone.
for about 5 days now its not bothered me so i am hoping he was right and it does not come back as i never had headaches that bad in my life.

So overall this month may not have been anything special but at least my depression has not been bad.

Its taken time to get the right sort of people in my life, who listen, who understand and can see potential in me.

No matter where you live even in a great place like Grantham you will always get those who judge you on your past, how you look etc.

I will not mention names but i have had to deal with a few people this month who did look down on me because of my looks, who did look down on me because of my past, and people who tell people to stay away from me.

Its sad really that these people have the time to waste their own lives, they get off on hurting people and trying to make that person not have friends, when in reality they are just wasting their time.
Maybe at the start of 2016 it would have hurt me but now i have great friends, and yes i might want to expand on the people i have in my life and meet new people.
For now though i am happy with who i have in my life, i would rather have a small group of people then have idiots who just want to bring you down (:

So to bring this blog to a end, on the 3th February I get to go to London again as i did last march to march with lots of people to save our NHS !!!!

Its going to be a very long day and a long week, as we will be leaving just after 7 which means i need to be up just before 6am, we wont be back in Grantham, till around 7pm.
I then need to quickly sort through my photography and get at least a few good pictures up from the day to get them out there.
I then throughout the week need to spend time editing the rest which i expect over 100.
If that was not enough, i need to sit through tons of video footage and put Together a video of the day and then once that is all done, do social media marketing, and put a blog post up about the event !!!!
phew ....

Its hard work but its what i love and even if it helps one person i am happy (:
So there you go that has been my month, i do not know what February will bring, but i hope the weather gets warmer and i hope for good things (:
Thanks for Reading





 

How to Adult ,My Inside life | DanielMarshallAdventures

This blog post is going to be a combined post, mentioning bits that i have said in a few others posts, the reason for this is to go even deeper into things and also mention more things i am learning how to cope as adult and with my issues in life (:
i would like to say like i do with most posts, i have learned to be fully open, to live life for me, and be happy the best i can, I get rid of the people that want to ruin my life or dont care and fill in with love, caring and the best friends and community in the world, and i will keep trying to expand my friends, keep trying to improve in life and always keep being who i am !!!

I mentioned a few weeks back that seeing a private counselor has been helping, as they dont stick to stupid score sheets or guidelines, The person is there to listen, to understand, to dig deep into the issues you face in life and your past, and to help you become better at controlling these feelings.

The reason i am even writing this post is because of how deep the talks have been, and that i feel its best to reflect that for others to see, understand and might even help someone who is going through similar issues (:

When you grow up, you start to learn things about yourself, as you grow up, your supposed to learn the right from the wrong, that is what parents are there for, to help you grow as a person, to help you overcome challenges, to help you learn for later life in becoming an adult ??
I dont have overall figure so this is a guess amount but i would say over 50 percent of humans in the world, have not grown up with a loving family, its either one parent or the other who have been supported of their child/ children.
Not matter how small or big events have been in that child,s life those things will always be buried deep within our brain, just waiting for when we feel low or have a bad day to remind us of those horrid times and sometimes it can sit with for hours and sometimes even days before we snap out of that place and back to reality.

The past week i have had to go back to those dark places to understand about my life, which has meant being stuff up that has scared me, that has hurt me, but without bringing them up, and learning to overcome them, then the demons will only ever get stronger !!!

When i reflect on the past, it really shows that your actions and who you are come from your parents.
Often when you feel alone, stressed and other emotions, the Dna from our parents comes into play without us even realizing it, until that moment when its to late, we have either said or done something our parents did which has been bad, and the only way to make sure it does not happen again, is to think and understand why they acted that way and put solutions in place in our minds so that we do not act like them.

For myself i am 26, but there is a kid the age of around 10 still inside me, what do you mean by that?
This is something the counselor brought up and i do think its very true.
From the age i was born, until i was 18, i had one parent who tried to be there as much as she could, to try and teach me things.
on the other hand i had my dad who was not only physically abuse but mentally abuse to my mum, who whenever i could not do something straight away, like ride a bike, or even things i could not do like tie laces, instead of having the patience to teach me or even let my mum do that, it was often replaced with, my dad shouting at my mum saying at his age he should be able to do this and that.
The thoughts of learning became into my own personal frustration at myself for not being able to do the simplest thing that most people could do, which would often lead me to put myself down, and had a overall knock on my confidence.

The times of being able to relax after a hard day of school, would often be replaced by sitting on the top of the stairs listening to my dad shouting at my mum, and having to sit and listen because i knew what my dad was like with turning that into physical and needed to be there to help mum away from it.

On top of all that, some people from school, knew what was going on, with those people living on the same street as us, these people would often bully me and then others would bully me because of my issues of not being able to do normal everyday life skills that even at that age, a lot of kids knew.

Everyday i felt i was on edge, scared, lonely, no friends, and often having to play sports on my own just to get out of the house.

So the times where i was supposed to learn about life, it was not there, until me and my mum finally moved away from my dad, and i started college life, learning about having to pay for board, having my own money from college, to spend or save on what i wanted.
So for me the life skills i should have learnt up till then i had only started when i was around 17-18, so overall my age level is around a 10 year old, to the point that due to events from moving away from my dad, life went to fast forward state, and again instead of having that learning experience i was thrown into the deep end.

My mum had the trouble of having bill after bill stacked due to most of the things we owned being brought through a catalog, or the stupid buy now pay nothing till 2 years time etc which was in my mums name, but was being paid through most of the income earned from my dads so called disabllites, which contain of him going mental a lot, him moaning saying the doctors keep giving my tablets, and moaning at my mum even shouting and crying saying they think i am mental, why wont they do anything. he went to hospital to get checked, nothing wrong with him, he put himself into hospital, to many times, not because he had hurt himself, no, just because he thought he was dying
the so called act, he used most of my childhood and i bet uses to this day.
while he claimed this for supposed to be having disabllites, i feel that i wouldnt say i have some but i do have learning difficulties, such as dysprxia, and dylexia

Anyway getting back to the point, my mum was in money problems, and i was trying to help the best i could but i also had to think about my future,
a few months into living my mum, things seemed ok, and i even starting seeing a girlfriend for a few months.
we did not work out and i just started to focus on college.
A few months later i started talking to someone online, we got on well, and after a few months of talking decided to meet.
This started to develop more and more, but the more i saw her, the more my mum did not like it and her whole attitude changed towards me, shouting at me all the time, the anger built up from my dad made me often shout back and stand up for myself, i suppose i was in a rebellious stage in my life.
At the time i had no idea i was turning into my dad, because i had put those bad feelings to the back of my mind, and also with being adult and having adult responsibilitys, i was not thinking what i was saying, i just wanted to think about my future and that future was being with this person i really liked.
Its bad when your parents do not notice how bad your grammer is when you speak or even words that you can not say, like basketball and biscuit without it sounding funny.
That the person that notices your issues is the person who hardly knows you, but loves you and wants to help.
I did not have the issues where if i could not do something i would be shouted for, instead i had that support, and overtime without being stressed, my speech became better, again something i should have already knew how to do but it was my brain acting at a much younger age due to the dramatic events in my life.

Then became a very challenging and stressful few months, as i was kicked out the house for such stupid reasons, so the girlfriend who i was with asked her parents if i could stay around for a few days until i got things sorted.
I had to make trips back and forth from Nottingham to Grantham, as because i had not registered with Grantham council for at least 3 months and had a connection from Nottingham, i was told they could not help that i must get somewhere in nottingham.
after a lot of stress not only for myself but in our Relationship, I finally got a shared house In Nottingham.
over the course of a year, i was living life still on the edge, where i had landlords that did not care about the state of the place, and were scamming clients, other tenants shouting, banging, playing loud music, stealing, as well as hardly eating at i did not know how to budget, what food to buy, i had no form of entertainment, as i had no tv and no wifi.
each week i wished would fly by just so i could see my girlfriend at the weekend.
I had never learned to cope as adult until i was shoved into the deep end, and the whole experience made me very depressed, i had no friends to talk to, so just being able to talk to my girlfriend for a few a day leading up till meeting her again got me by.

The whole thing was a bonding experience though and after that year we both decided it was best to move to Grantham after applying for a application to be put through that council.

Things started  to get better in my life, and after a few months in a shared house in Grantham decided it was time to move in with each other with our own place.
Her parents helped a lot, with buying is what we needed for the place, but the problem of other bad tenants followed us.
it was a house built with 3 flats, with us being in the middle one.
upstairs played music loud all day and even through the night, downstairs kept setting off the fire alarm, slamming the door, and shouting.
my girlfriend was 2 years younger then me, she started studying at college, and often could not get enough sleep or study because of what was going off.
on top of this we started arguing a lot and being very distant with each other because i was not used to being the same room as someone, i was not used to spending time with someone, because i shut myself in my room playing video games most of my life up until the point we got with each other.
so instead of trying new things, and spending time with each other, i used to shut myself away from her a lot of the time.
This was also a time where, we was also learning about bills , rent, managing money, etc
learning to give and take on things we wanted as a couple.
Back then i was very unfit, i was very weak, and because we lived in a place where most of it was paid for, takeaways and treats started to creep in.
My girlfriend was helping out with her family business as well as studying, so it was time for me to look for work.
My first job i had, i was let go after 2 weeks, as it was working in a kitchen, with training being given on the job, instead of training being given prior to the job.
I had always suffered with asthma, and at the time i got the job, i had one of the worst colds i had in my life, working in the kitchen nearly made me faint, i felt so ill, i kept coughing, and i was struggling to remember things as i was told so many different things at once.
Her parents that were so supported and helped us so much, then started on me as if i was there own son, shouting at me and my girlfriend, that is was my fault i lost the job, this and that, which caused a massive arugement with my girlfriend, as she was not very supportive at the time either, and after i put my foot down and explained things, she finally defended me to her parents.

So it was time to look for another job, since moving in with each other, i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life, i had studied music at college before we got with each other, but that was only something i wanted to do as a hobby.
It was just the case off finding work to earn a income, so a few months later i got a job as a cleaner.
Most of the cleaning duties i copied with but the store was massive and had a lot of flooring that needed buffering, with me being very weak and grew up with a very poor grip on things and in strength, this then became very challenging.
I was given a warning for not being able to do it right at work, and they ended up giving the task to another member of staff.
I was with the company for about 3 months, in that time, i worked with a very nasty woman who decided to make stuff up saying i was not hovering the carpets, and that i had miss spots when i had not and even showed the staff working there.
However because she was acting miss goodie two shoes and chatted away a lot to the staff, people took her side, which led to me getting the sack.

Which you can imagine how that went down with my girlfriends parents this time !!!
It was always like i had to proof myself to them, and that they would treat me like their son, showing me a good time, taking us on trips but the moment i did something wrong that was not my fault, all hell came down on me, like seriously your not parents pee off.

After all the noise that went off in our flat, we could not take anymore and looked for a better place.
This was the next step into being with each other, we managed to get a lovely 2 bedroom flat, which did cost us a bit more money but worth it to have peace and quiet, and have more space.

The quiet though did feel like it was driving me nuts, and i did start to feel more depressed, i often fount myself having the house to myself 4 times a week, for about 6 hours to myself, feeling lonely bored, and just wishing she was back from work to spend time with her.
a lot of our time together i would say now looking back i did depend on her a lot and did want to spend a lot of time with her, to me because i did not have that love from my parents and having no friends, she was everything to me.
so of course over time, we had more arguments,over  such silly things, she got annoyed because i could not do things like help with cooking, even though she seemed to never have time to show me and help me.
i also struggled with putting bedding on, and often she would ask for help, show me and then i get it wrong, and then get moody because i was making more of a mess, like you clearly see after trying to show me that i cant do it even with showing me over and over, so its harsh but do not ask me to help you if your going to have a mardy about it.
also for me whenever we had arugement it would often take me much longer to calm down, get over it and go back to normality.
I think because of the way my dad was, without knowing it his attitude rubbed off on me, which of course i tried to fight so much not to be like my dad, but he is a part of me, and weather i knew it or not, in a way i was acting like he was.

Things also became very up and down with her parents, over going on holidays and hearing them have a go at each other, going on day trips hearing the same, there were a lot of good days and some bad days.
it just got so hard to have a life just us 2 when the more jobs i tried to keep for some reason i kept losing them, which only made her parents more and more mad at me, like i am trying you know.

I honestly think that life has a knock on effect that the more your trying to impress someone, and they have a go at you, other then having a go at them, and getting more and more stressed at myself for not being able to do simple things, then the only other place to release that anger and upset is the person your with ):

to most people even if they are together family is very important to that person, and i think it makes it hard to stay in love with that person, when your not only fighting one battle but 2, i think always trying to impress them, because they think your a slacker, and never really got on with you, that it makes it so much harder to think, is being with this person really worth it?
at the time my answer was yes, but now i look back, maybe more talks was needed, or to end it sooner without all the bad things that lead up to the break up and even after which you will know about a little later on.

You might be thinking if things were really that bad, why did you not seek help for yourself or even a as a couple, i think we both thought that nothing was really wrong with us, and that we did not need it.

it also became hard to not seem like a control freak, when we was already eating lots of takeaways buying things and going for day trips but since she never wanted to do budgeting i had to, which meant sometimes also caused arugements because i had to set limits to spending on days out.
it became really strange that, from not being able to control my own money, when in nottingham, to know making sure we had enough money left over each month.

6 months before we broke up, i had lost my longest job i had as a cleaner, over many reasons,
I decided there and then, that i clearly was not cut out for work, but also it was to stressful, trying to make sure i kept a job otherwise i would be shamed for being lazy, and not caring about supporting my girlfriend, if i did not have that stress and worry behind me maybe things would of been better for everyone !!!

it just amazes me that her parents, and my girlfriend never really mentioned about trying to get help for learning diffultites or something as clearly i did have some, but again i didnt say anything either because i was worried how her parents would take it and also, the thought never really crossed my mind.
on top of everything in life, i had my dad trying to reconnect with me, which i tried to see how things went, and all he ever cared about was giving us money, not spending time with us, and just being around him still put me on edge, he had not changed and that was shown in his actions.
If though i am being fully open, there are still things i wish not to disclose on the net, or even think about to write, lets just say i have not had contacted with both parents in over a year now (:

It often became frustrating for me as i wanted to help with cooking, with supporting her but i just got more and more stressed not being able to.

Then came  the most stupidest thing i had ever done, which i do regret to this day, but everything happends for a reason, and maybe this next action needed to happen in order for a fresh start.
One day while she was at work, i went onto the computer we shared, and often left our Facebooks open due to having that much respect for each other.
I dont know why but i decided to go through her inbox and it was a good job i did, as she was not only talking to a guy about us but soon would be her new boyfriend.
I had filpped out that she could not talk to me about her problems or even say to me she was talking to someone about it, which i would of been fine with but to find out that way, it made me anger and very unaware of my next actions.

she had text me  while she was at work saying she left her keys in the house so when she was near home could i let her in.
so for about a hour i pondered what to do, full or rage, took her keys left the house and texted her saying that i wanted to meet in a public place to sort things out as i was sick of us aruging in the house and other people hearing.
she had clearly had enough of us being together to as i knew what time she finish and for over a hour she did not text back or ring, i had then texted back, when i got a phone call from her saying she was at the house, with her parents, shoutiing at me to bring the keys back, forgetting we had the keys cut for her grandparents to feed the fish and hamsters we had when we went on holiday with her family.
I was upset and scared and said i will come back but not if your parents are there, since everytime we had a much smaller fall out, she always got them involved.
In the end i had no choice to go back to find the police there and so i was kicked out.
when we had rented the property the only way we could was for her parents to vouch for us, and only one person could be the lead tenant, her parents did not trust in my hands with not having a solid job so they wanted her to be the name on the property.
so of course in one way yes it was my own fault and i deversed what i got but on the other hand i had no where to go and had no say in not being kicked out.

I had to be taken to a hotel, which i had to scrap the little money i had together and it was over the weekend as well so i was in big trouble.
This point my head was spinning, i felt sick, i barely slept and tried to beg her to help me, yes i know that was silly as it was my fault but i had no support from no one and i loved her so of course not only did i want help but i didnt want to give up fighting for her.
She did help me for a few days, and eventually landed in supported housing.
That whole month was the worse month of my life as we tried to be friends, but we still loved each other, and it just caused even more arugements, which lead to my first caution.
On top of that i did another stupid, selfish act of trying to kill myself, by overdosing on tablets.

When you have no friends, you hate your family and the person you spent nearly 5 years together just comes crashing down, you honestly dont think what your doing.
It was stupid, i was in hospital for 3 days, when i got there is seemed a blur, i remember them making me drink this black stuff, to empty my system off the tablets, being sick, my head spinnng and much more.
Time seemed to loose track as i tried to get sleep but with being ill from the black stuff, what seemed like hours of sleep was only 30-40 Minutes.
 
After those few days i got back home, most days crying, not wanting to eat, i had trouble sleeping, i felt very weak, and i just kept sending email after email, moaning about how much we did with each other the memories and how i wanted her back.
I knew i could never get her back when weeks later after we offically broke up when trying to be with each other again, she then gets a new boyfriend.
Now i understand that we all move on fast, and others dont but a few weeks after???
I knew then that clearly she had been wanting to be with this person for possible more time then that.
As it doesnt seem right to go through that long of being together to be with someone else in a matter of weeks.
I dont know why she felt she needed to rush into things, but hey thats none of my business (:

So if you had not figured by now, my already state of mind, just went into overdrive, sending even more emails, this lead to my second caution, i will say there is a lot more that went down inc what her parents decided to do but i can not mention that as i know 100 percent, my ex, her parents, her friends would try anything to get me into trouble as you will find out in a bit.

Even though my support worker was telling me not to do things i still did them anyway because i was struggling to cope, even when i was in shared housing in nottingham i at least had my girlfriend to get me by those days, but this time i was truly on my own.
I had applied to get support from the mental health services a few weeks after we broke up, and was still on waiting lists to be seen.

So i tried as much as possible to get my head down and move on, with starting my own business.
I was gaining confidence but i was still breaking down everyday with bad depression.
I have mentioned about the whole process of my business etc  in other posts, so i wont repeat things to much.
I had got in touch with a old family member who wanted to help me out, and understand what was going on.
A few months later i went to some networking events, and decided to share a picture of me at the event, i then got a email as i had my twitter account settings to email me whenever i got a retweet, follow etc.
The email said so and so which was it was my ex twitter account, has liked your picture.
Now why would someone who hates you, and clearly moved on do that?
i shook it off, days later another email, it was her again, liking something else.
I then fell for her trap, and starting email her, i even said in the emails, i dont know if its some sick game you and your partner and parents are playing but stop it, you either want to get in touch or leave me alone.
I showed my support worker, and my family member, and both said do not email her, did i listen... nope !!!!!
Then to show how sad their lives had got, and clearly at this point they were laughing their socks off and just trying to get me into trouble, her mum retweeted something of mine !!!
Again for these people to never want me to contact them, etc they sure was going to some length.
3 days had gone by and i get a knock on the door its the police, taking me to the station and giving me a court notice for a months time, due to statements and proof from her that i had been harassing her.
Which to be fair i was, i even admitted to them i was, as i had nothing to hide, but i also stood up for myself and mentioned the emails.
which in a statement, her parents and her both declined that they had done so, despite printing of the proof and saying the police officers.
I still have everything logged to this day (:
inc what came next, so its the day of my court hearing, i plead gulity as like i said i was in the wrong.
The person i talked a few hours before the hearing said not to bother with the twitter things, as there is more evidence against you and if i brought it forward it would only drag things out and make it worse.
So i took a 12 month ban where i could not contact her, go into where she worked etc, and a fine.
This family member helped out with fine, but i knew my ex and her parents would be dancing in the fact of the outcome, to say that one month later, on her twitter account, she put a tweet about finally getting closure for the scumbag, and posted the link, that a newspaper put about cases through lincoln court this week, with me being in there and what it was for !!!
Now again yes i deserved to have my name branded as i did wrong, but at least i was not low enough to celebrate and speard the word more that i had done wrong, to say before all this court thing started she was tweeting about how her ex which was me would not move on with life and yet whos gloating in the fact i was named and shamed hmm...
In life there is always 2 sides to a story, in life you will always 99 percent of the time never get to voice that side to the others parents because they will also protect their own.
In life, you will get people like her, who try and tell her friends, her work colleagues and others, her side of the story, and try to make people hate that person even more.
Which i know for a fact due to people i talked to on facebook, that blocked, when trying to get to them that she had spoken to them, and no i was not losing it, this was down, to how the conversations went and what was mentioned.
all it did was made me laugh thinking well, i did wrong i have owned up for it and now i am trying to turn my life around and move on, and yet from someone who recokens they have the best boyfriend in the world, clearly at that time was not moving on, but more in the i didnt get the outcome i wanted, so now i will make his life more hell, like really??? lol

Maybe i should of gone to jail whos knows, but as the saying goes in movies, i was given a second chance in life to not turn out like my parents and to learn from my mistakes.
Often people make very bad judgements on someones past, weather knowing why that person was the way they were, and for me in that 6-7 month period of breaking up to going to court, i tried to make friends, but ended up surrouning myself with people who did not want to listen or care, and it was already making my depression even worse.

So i decided it was to start fresh, and with help finally from the mental health services but a plan, in place, to look and disucss what my issues were, what went wrong with me and my ex, what happened in my childhood, and what i want to do with my life now.

Talking through my issues, started to give my confidence back, and it did help me learn how i needed to act, and learn to become adult.
I had a good life, full of memories and good times, but if i am fair, in my own fault i was trapped in a loop, of just foucsing my whole life around her, and not what i wanted in life to.

So i got my head down on the computer, learned about photography, starting eating properly,
starting learning about the world and about my skills, and tried to turn what i wanted as business into a hobby but still network, still help the community, and still do what i loved.
I kept fighting to try and get more help from the mental health services and my learning difficulties, but because of lack of funding in lincolnshire it was getting harder, to become a proper adult because i was struggling to cook proper meals, to do everyday life skills that most people can do.

I decided as well as improving my mental health to do the things i loved doing at school, so playing tennis, running, and decided to improve my strength as i was still very weak by going to the gym.

I started to make friends, real friends and the best friends i have ever had in my life, i used my skills, to listen to people, help people, use my skills to help the community out, and more and more bulid my confidence as a person.

Skipping forward to the present, i now live a much better life, i am still fighting to get help, and had no luck over my learning diffulties, which has a knock on effect, you cant get higher help with housing if you havent had assesments for these issues, you cant get help with money etc for the same reasons.

Its got to bad that i have had to seek private counseling as i was just not getting the help i needed.
Everything has and will always happen for a reason, and through seeking other help, its helped me understand who as a person i am now.

Although i have learned a lot, i am not magically cured and i would not said like the clique movie says, he has changed, because i still get angry, 99 percent of the time its at my self now for not being able to do things or push myself to do better, i still get upset, i still have bad aniexty, and bad depression.
All i have done is tried to move on and channel my problems into my physical activites which has allowed me to achieve in my opinion to a high rate.

I have understood that for me tennis and the gym, is my happy places, because of how nice the community is there and how i managed to get involved, its also creates lots of happyiness because of the adrenaline factor.

So If your not running a business and not working what are you doing in life and why are you not working?

My confidence will always be part of the issue of not working, on top of every job i have had even the basic ones i have lost, the fact that i cant do simply things because i know how to do it but my body does it different.

The fact that i do not cope well under pressure and forget things a lot, and panic,
but if your doing all this sport, surely you have no issue working as your physically fit?
again this comes down to the mental health, you cant expect someone to feel the same happyiness and aderlaine working in a supermarkets, serving customers etc to running around, having a laugh etc.

I have not just magically turned my life around in a day, its taken nearly 2 years of learning and battling.
for me that is just how i work, competition fuels me but when i am doing sport, nothing else matters, no bad feelings, no worries, my confidence is higher then its ever been, so i stick with it.

I have learned i can be 2 people not in the sense of a perosnality disorder but how i am as a person in different situations, even spelled that situations just got me a little angry as i knew how to spell it but it just was not coming to me (:
So for example, when i am playing tennis, the rush of happyiness means my aniexty goes, i can talk to people, i dont all big headed and over confident but i am able to have a laugh and relate to people.
with photography its the same i feel confident, i can make speeches, i can network with people.
However put me in front of a social meeting group, i got quite, i get anxious i often leave early even though i want to make friends, same with music events.
Sometimes i can stay and i feel happy and sometimes i think everyone is looking at me strange, even though i know they arent, i get all panicked  if there are a lot of people near me, even if i am there to take photos and enjoy the music.

I have learned that so far, despite all the coping mechanisms and talking about it 90 percent of my depression is just random, i can be going for a walk, and then feel sad, which then i start thinking of bad things, which then can either lead to a bad few hours or a bad few days.

A month a go i had my worse 2 weeks in a row in a long while, where photography, sport, just made me feel worse, i got angry because i was not able to do or enjoy what i was doing which then made me feel more rubbish about my self, and it was a catch 22 problem.

I just try to take each day as it comes, i was a crap person, i had no self worth, i had no plans for a future, i acted like a kid, i had no friends.
But now i just try to keep improving my life and learning, thinking that i have come along way,
I have not tried to force myself to be with someone else because, got simple i was not ready,
As sad as it may seem, it had to go to court, for me to finally snap myself from wherever i was to grow up, and be the person i am now, i am not perfect, i am not the best looking person in world,
i am not a mastermind, but with learning, i have grown up, i have stood up for myself, i have became stronger then i ever was, i am a lot wiser then i was, and although i do struggle to be an adult, the only thing i can keep doing is looking forward, and being true to who i am (:
My ex took one path to one live, and i took another, i have learned to now not worry about what and who my ex is with because i now have my own life to progress forward (:

There is possible a lot more i could of said and things that ill go ahh i forgot to put that,
I know a lot of you might be wondering why i have decided to write this?
the simple answer is i am who i am, i will always be open, i am not afarid anymore of what people think of me, i make enemies and i make friends, that life, you cant aim to please everyone as its not possible, but what you can do is hopefully make people understand a little better, at the person you are, and that through the dark times, there is always light, hope and a path in life where things are better, you just have to find it, hold onto it and let it grow into the new strong person you are today (:

Thanks for reading !!!

How my Mental Health has stopped me from doing what i want in life | DanielMarshallAdventures

A week a go i wrote a blog post about the toughest physically week ahead, My plans were to write a blog post about how my photography has improved over the last year, but also another post about how i coped with the week.

Instead of writing how good the week has been instead there are things in my life i need to reflect on and it was not until this challenging week that is has really opened my eyes.

As i blog a lot i will try not to repeat much of what i have talked about considering my mental well being.
At the same time trying to get across what goes on in my life for those people who have not read any other of my posts before.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but it was not until the start of 2016 i decided to get help.
When i needed the help at my worst stage i could not even talk about it or even start to feel about for at least 5 months.
I had 12 weeks of counseling, in those sessions i would be digging up my deep past about my parents.
Who i choose to no longer to speak to and its been nearly a year since i have spoken to them.
They are part of the reason why i am the way i am, and why i suffer badly with depression.
A lot of people when you say i never want to see or hear from my parents again, look down on you, like you might not want to be a part of there lives now but you might want to be later in life.
Which well may be true but the way i feel at the moment not caring what they think about me, i am much better off without them, not feeling like a failure not having to look up to them, they never really tried to understand me, and this last year has been a great discovery about myself.
Learning that i do have some problems but also i am great at certain things to.
In the 12 weeks sessions i talked about how i struggle to cook, how i am not dumb i know what to do but my body sometimes does things differently, I talked about the break up with my ex.
I was told different coping methods, and to take each day as it comes.

over the 12 weeks, I started to feel better in myself, but i was still having days of not doing anything, not being able to hardly move, crying thinking of the past, then crying over nothing.
most days i felt so tired so weak, that all i wanted to do was sleep.
After having the sessions i was told that i could not get anymore help for 3 months, which i had to re apply to get the help.

In that time, I tired to snap myself out of my looping life, by going for walks trying to improve my stamina, and learn about photography.
Around this time i had moved into a wonderful shared house, which to me felt perfect and luxury.
The landlords were amazing, and often talked to them about things.
However about a month of feeling settled, my silly brain reverted back to getting into states, I was struggling to sleep, the bed which was like a cloud, felt horrible, and my room everyday felt smaller and smaller.
The reality was i was started to not feel right were i was even though at the same time it was everything that i needed? odd how you can have conflicting emotions like that.

One day i just said to myself right enough of this i need to change something in my life,
so i started playing tennis, started going to the gym, I slowly was also helping my local community.
Around the year of 2016 things were looking a bit better, but i know i still needed help, I put in a self referral form In November and was told in December that at the start of 2017 i could have some more sessions.

I had 5 sessions yes only 5 of Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Which worked on coping methods a bit more, seeing if certain things was the cause of the problems.
For me most of the time there is no trigger why i feel the way i do.
Although the physically activities have made me feel somewhat better, and others it has not, and i still have a lot of days where i fall apart over nothing.

The second to last session, I had enough of not getting the support i needed i poured my heart out telling the chap from the mental health team how i feel.
He told me i can look into weather we can put you into higher care, to see what else we can do for you.
The week after which was my last session i get told i had a word with team and we dont think your at that level where you need the care.

I didnt say this to him but really felt like saying it, which is so god for bid if i have some good days that i sometimes score low on your sheets, and that just because i do not score over 20 on your out of date, scoring that i do not need the help.
The Fact is The mental health services in lincolnshire, have been getting worse and worse every year.
Because i have been helping out with the local community but also learning what is going off the world, i know what is also happening to our NHS.
Which mental health is a part of the funding the NHS get to help people who suffer with issues.
I went to a lincoln last year to watch a county council meeting, and one of the points was talking about the closures and downgrades to mental health services.

The Fact is i do no want to live this way in my life, and when you cant get the help what can you do other then keep trying to fight through it which at times seems impossible.

Most doctors In Lincolnshire do not even understand mental health and there solution to it is to tell you to get over it, that we all have bad days..... oh and here are some anti depressants.

After a year being told back and forth from the doctors and the mental health team that i do not need them, i then get given them, which i stopped taking after 2 weeks.
Main reason was i was finally getting the physical strength i needed to be stronger, and as soon as i started taking them i felt so weak.
I could not lift weights at the gym from when i first started, i was getting massive headaches, i could barely walk, and all the time i felt tired even after getting a good amount of sleep.
So i stopped taking them, Now yes i still feel very low on days but i felt stronger, and better able to cope with not being on them.

Oh i also forgot to mention that the doctor who gave me tablets was a different doctors, as this year after being with the same doctors since moving to Grantham and them not helping me, i decided to change.
Which did not help as i saw 2 different doctors who told me like i mention to get over it (: yeah such really educated staff... not!!!

Anyway fast forwarding , I knew i was not going to get any help any time soon, i just kept fighting the depression back, trying new things out, to get myself out of the house, and joined up with a running club, so i was now doing running 2 times a week, tennis 3, and gym, 3-4 times a week.

At the start of this week, I was having very vivid and long dream, that when waking up i was remembering most of what i was thinking about.

which happens hardly ever, but on top of that i do not know why my brain just kept thinking of the things that i had dreamt about throughout the day, it felt like my life was on auto pilot and that was not really doing anything during the day.
It was also extremely hot and had been all week, which anything over 20c and i really struggle, i get headaches i can not focus on what i am doing, and i find most of my days in bed letting time fly by.

Monday night was a lot cooler, as i completed a 7k run, which i really struggled with and fighted to keep going i got back home my feet killing, legs felt like rubber and i felt good that i went for the run but i also felt low, and felt miserable again for no reason.

I woke up Tuesday not feeling great but knew i had to snap out of it as I had a important rest of the week to go, so i booked a tennis court to practice ready for the match, and then find myself leaving after a hour as i could not cope with the heat.

Still not feeling well on Wednesday i had 2 hours of tennis, but also the final run to end the coach to 5k course i had been doing with the running club.
It was over 20c as we set off running, and 4 times i had failed to do 5k only managing 3k due to the heat and that day was no exception.
In fact it was one of the worse runs i had done, I loved the route we went on but i was struggling so much, that i really did not feel well when i got home, and i think i pulled something in my leg.
Hoping it would heal because going onto the day where is why i am writing this blog post, the biggest test of my life so far.
I had been asked to play in a team for tennis club, a month a go, and with 2 matches having to be cancelled i was really looking forward to it.
The weather also a little cooler as well so i did not have to worry about not feeling well.

I got there early to work on my serves, and just before we started we was told the match format.
So in tennis the score are, 15-30-40 game etc and depending on how well the other team play , the scores can be 15-15, 30,30-40-40 and then going to deuce and advantage etc.
After which 1 game would be won, so when your told your going to be playing 13 games, in 3 doubles matches making it 39 games, that really knocked my confidence before it has began.

I wanted to enjoy the matches but also play the best i have ever done, and well the people me and my team mate were playing was just out of this world.

People who had been playing for 20+ years with such powerful serves making it hard to get a return back.

After a hour, i was starting to feel ill, my feet heavy, my vision going strange and playing like i forgot how to play,

I started to get frustrated at myself and missing most of the serves, and the more i tried the worser my game got.

I also kept forgetting where to postition myself, as in doubles you have to much to think about.
If your team mate has a strong serve meaning its hard for the other team to return then you have to be close to the net, and then stand back to the line for the second serve if he misses.
then if your team mate is serving and your at the net, its deciding where to postion yourself on every shot, do you stay at the net in case they hit a soft shot you can counter, if they hit it close to the net but on the other side of the court you then have to chase for it.
Or even having to run backwards if they try to lob it over you.

I am not going to into all the details of tennis but trust me when i say that is only 1 set of things you have to think about when playing tennis.

I enjoy tennis the most, but i have never played at a competitive level, and that is only 1/5 of the skill level i would say, i think a lot of times people who watch tennis who have never played it.
Go oh its just hitting a ball, how boring, or that looks easy, when trust me you will not be saying its easy when you have a go playing in a tough competitive game.
Most sports are the same, they look easy but you do not realize how much physically strength is needed, the things you need to learn about, your brain makes so many decisions within just a second its amazing.

For me i am no where near the physically standard i need to be, and although i enjoy everything i do, its really took its tole.
Because i suffer most days with my stupid depression i have to push myself to try even harder and most days after coming back from running or tennis, i end up doing mostly nothing else all day.
Having to soak my feet in a bowl for a hour trying to get them to heal, while trying to stop my shoulder and legs from hurting.
which then makes me feel low because i hurt so much and the cycle never stops
Now people who do not know me, may go really all this because you do rubbish on your first big match, grow up, etc.
Its not just the fact of the match, i felt like this for weeks, in pain i know sport is never a easy things but if its really hurting so much that it also makes you feel rubbish about yourself then you start to think is it worth it.
I just starting to burst out crying, my head banging, i got hardly any sleep, and woke up feeling dizzy.
I got out Friday to have a game of pool with some friends for a hour but even that i was struggling and just wanted to go home to go to sleep.

Expect for the physically i also feel as a person that i am looping back to how i was when my depression first hit.
my aniexty being a bit factor that i cant go to a event without the stupid thoughts in my brain thinking people are laughing at me or looking at me funny even though i know they are not my brain at the time thinks otherwise.
I struggle to talk to people as in a normal conversation, and in the last few months that has only gotten worse.

If a photo is being taken, i tend to hide away, even though i am confident of taking selfies and taking photography. ... confused ???

I have missed so much in my life because of my own actions, i missed Park run today which was Our runnings club Graduation because i feel so rubbish but also just feeling so confused weather i should stop playing tennis and doing the running.

I miss out on going to events with friends because of either money or again knowing that i would want to leave or not feel right.

Even today there is a carnival going with lots of things going off that i want to capture photography.
But instead i am sat not feeling well, sat in my own stupid miserable thoughts.

I went out to get shopping this morning, and my legs just hurt so much, weather that is from pulling something from tennis or that could even be my depression making me feel worser then i am.

I do not want much in life, but the one thing i wish i could have would be getting help that i need.
what breaks us makes us stronger, i have said that a lot, but even at times i question that saying.
So i might bounce back stronger then i am feeling but again at what cost if everytime it bounces me back to how i feel right now, confused on what i wanna do in life.
I thought i had my depression at least a bit under control and that i was happy because i was changing my life, i was stronger happy, i made friends, i help my community, and i had at least something to do everyday, now i just feel like a wreck.
My friends say to maybe take one thing off your list your doing, but there lies the circle again, when i dont have a lot of things to do, my demons fight back, and on the other hand when i am doing so much, that i have no strength to fight they can win anyway .. AHH!!!!

I just wish that i could be a normal person, in society terms that i could just hang out with friends have a night out listing to music, and enjoying life, i want to explore and there is so much i wanna do, but just end up living the same circle off staying in a room on my computer, ahh life.

The only good thing i can say is that the last few months mental health has been talked about more and more, and i have started to surrounded myself with people who understand.
To me if i am friends with someone who tell me to get over it then, they are not my friend and they do not understand what i go through.
so my advice to everyone is, people who suffer are not classed as mental just because it has mental in the title, we all suffer from mental health, at some point in our lives, its not nice and at times we need to have that support that care from friends, etc to bounce back, so please if you have a friend who is struggling, reach out to them, talk to them and help, them, even if you cant help try and find someone who can (:

Thank you for reading

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Grantham Running Club, Park Run & Mind over Marathon program | DanielMarshallAdventures

About 6 weeks a go I wrote a blog post about The coach to 5k With Grantham Running Club.
I was going to write another one, but at the end of the course to reflect how it went.

I have decided that because its going so much better then i ever expected to do a update but to also talk about mental health, and the mind of marathon program.

The start of the course, saw us do 2 mins of running, followed by a minute walk and this was repeated, 5 times over.

Each week, we ran longer, faster, and taking different routes around Grantham.

Some weeks would be uphill, on mud, through small paths, to test your endurance, your breathing control, how you cope going uphill etc.

Depending, if you was to enter a race of somekind, it does not mean that it would be all flat line.
So instead of turning up and struggling, this course helps you learn how to tackle it.

The first 3 weeks, we ran no longer then 5mins at a time, and after the session, i felt amazing to the point i did more, going back home.

after a few weeks the 5k group split into 3 groups, group a which were for people who could do the runs at a faster pace, and the other groups doing a slightly less pace.

We all run differently, and there is no shame in that, some weeks you will feel you can run faster and some you cant, you have to go at your own pace.

Every single person in all 3 groups aims to reach the point of getting to 5k,

On the forth week i was starting to struggle in the faster group, getting a lot of pains, but my feet was also hurting.

I was told that because i do tennis 3-4 times a week, and on days where i also do the running, that i could be doing to much, that my body is telling me to rest.

Going to the gym, was also not helping with my shoulders either, as again i was doing 3-4 times a week.

So while i do the running, i have cut down a day both the gym and the tennis.
I love all 3 things but in life you have to make sacrifices.
otherwise you end up burning yourself out, and doing more harm then good (:

This then ties into the mind of marathon program.
we have our own facebook group where we can comment, things etc.
I noticed someone from the group posted about the program.
It follows a group of people who suffer from mental health, weather that is depression, anxiety and other things.
And helping them each week, to run, to aim to enter the marathon.





Because although, your problems will not magically disappear any form of sport helps with your health, makes you feel happier,it a way to connect with people that can become your friends.

As i mentioned in other blog posts, which we will take depression for example.
It not only affects your brain but your body, saying to yourself or someone saying to you, get over it, just do it, really is the worst thing you can ever say.

If it was that easy, then people would not suffer from it.
For me there are days where, i wont leave the house, i get frustrated and often sit crying for hours because i want to get out, but my body cant even move, it takes all my energy just to get moving so that i can have something to eat.

So do go from that to running, its an incredible achievement.
Its already not a easy task but for the person who suffers from mental health problems it can feel even worse.
After watching this program, it really made me push more with the running, i went to the session feeling like a new person, and i was.

Week 5 saw a massive jump from 8mins of running non stop to 20 mins without a walking period.
Somehow like many of the others in the group, we managed it, it was tough it was brutal, it hurt but after doing it, you feel over the moon, happy, you come away better then when you arrived,

After searching on goggle about the program, i have seen responses saying its helped them talk about their mental health issues.
I wish more people would, its not nothing to feel bad about, plus more people who do not suffer from a problem at the moment need to understand, how those who do, how it affects them.

Their is a lack of funding for mental health, there is a lack of understanding, and doctors need to educate themselves and not to tell people just to get over it !!!!

I explained in a video which you can see here



About how although, i have had the community help me and i have had such wonderful experiences in the last year, its all been me who has gone out their to get them.
I am the one who come out of the comfort zone, to connect with people, to help people.
I am the one who has the drive, out of this world, drive that i say to myself i have to do this.

It has not been easy and often have major set backs, in confidence, feeling i am not worth it, that i can not do it, and that i should give up on everything.
But what breaks us only makes us stronger, and in so many times in my life that has been true.

Its took over a year to get to where i am, the person i am but i am happy with how i have opened up.

I work on my strength and my cardio, to be better in body and mind.
just a few days a go i went to Feel good Fitness Gym in Grantham, went on the watt bike classes that i had not been on in a few days and came away with this result.



 I did do a bit of arm weights, and leg stuff before going on the class so this is my overall result of the time i started to the end.

The class it hard, but the competition side of me comes out, pushing myself to do well.

Going back to the running, 03-05-17 was the biggest test in my life.

Group A was told that, we are going to be going uphill a lot, and instead of 22 mins, its now going to be 30mins.

Not only was the time of running a lot longer, but with the challenge of battling to go uphill.
I struggled a few times because when going off road through woods and it being uphill, your feet all of a sudden feel like a ton, your putting the same effort in but going a lot slower.

My chest was hurting but i pushed through it, and as soon as we was on flatline again i was back at 100 percent.

Some of us also did more mins, worth of running as what we do as a group is, those who are at the front of the pack, after about 10mins in you loop back to the back, so it gives chance for others to catch up and show support.
What this means for the front runners is you cover more ground, because your having to go back to where the others are.

and because somehow, which i still dont believe myself, that the past 3 sessions i have been able to keep upfront, the session the other day, i ended up doing 35mins.
This meant that although we are only half way through the course we almost managed to reach the 5k mark already.
as seen from this image, of a runners watch, which i was next to this person most of the time so i did the same amount.



I felt over the moon when i got back, and saw this posted as i had no idea is was so close to 5k,
it was not only an achievement for many others but for me, as last year when i joined the club, i could not manage 3k,

My latest challenge is a park run event this Saturday In Grantham.
Parkrun is a organisation with events all around the world.
They are free events where you run a course, with loads of people, at the end you get your result, so that you can see how well you have done, and aim to beat it the next time you go.
In Grantham these events are every Saturday, so if i can do it and like it, i will aim to go on more.

If you suffer from mental health then please get in touch, as i like to help and listen, we all stand a better chance of helping each other.

The people who do suffer with this will always understand each other better then those who dont.

I want to thank Grantham Running club for this amazing experience, they are a amazing club, which is only 24 pounds a year to join !!!!!
running, is amazing, it makes you feel alive, and its always better to run with people then by yourself (:

Thank you for reading and i do hope that this post can really help people, try something different and show that your a lot stronger then you think, its all in your brain, and it does not matter how long it takes to do a small thing, at least you have done it !!!! (:

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BBC Radio Lincolnshire Experience- Grantham Tennis Club | DanielMarshallAdventures

On Thursday 20th April 2017  i had the chance to be on BBC Radio Lincolnshire
Talking about The Feeling Good Again Project At Grantham Tennis Club.

Me, Dale Wright, & James Prior left at 8.45 Am, to head over to Lincoln.
As we was sat in Reception melvynprior announced The Club a few times which i thought was great exposure, as people knew what was going to come up later in the program.

It was second time being on the radio in just one week, but this experience was out of this world, and totally different.

Even though i felt scared of in being broadcast to a much wider audience i also felt, relaxed, calm like it was meant to be, and that i had been speaking on the radio for years.

I Filmed a small section of the show, as i thought it would be cool to not only hear what was said but to see us all in action hehe (:

I will leave all links at the end of this post.
Dale was the first one to talk, followed by James and then it was my turn.
I spoke from the heart, and being as open as i could ever be.
One thing that life has taught me is, if you hide yourself away, you can not get the support you need
not only that but people wont understand how hard of a journey its been.
I mentioned that I have suffer with mental health problems since being a kid, but i choose to not reach out for the help to feel better until the start of 2016.

Where even to this day its been a long, and hard battle to get the help to become a better person.
I had noticed on his twitter that melvynprior was already talking about mental health this week.
So it was great timing to be able to explain where i had come from, i explained about the club, and the feeling good project.
How it really did change my life to the person i am today.
I also decided as in life you have to be cheeky sometimes to also just slightly promote myself as being a photographer, why not hey ? (:

One of the comments that melvyn asked Dale was are we seeing a different person here.
and like Dale has said we have and we haven't.
I am still the same person, in one sense that i am just me, someone who has been the full circle, who wants to help others with problems they are facing in life, as we all fight stronger when we unite.

Its also been a omg wow factor of how my confidence has grown, how i have been able to help with tennis, with helping my local community grown and get known through doing photography and videos.

I could never ever believe i would have the chance to have my voice heard on the radio, and being a strong figure as such to the people that need that little extra boost of self believe, of confidence.

I am in no way a cured person, i am in no way a 100 percent all the time happy person.
it is a battle, to sometimes even go to play tennis, but i get that strength deep within to push through the day and come out the other side feeling more happy.

I could say that to get this point in my life its been easy but then i would be lieing to myself and to people with the same issues.

Mental Health is not a disease, it does mean you are mental, or you should be someone to stay away from.

Weather we know, or choose to not think about it, some point in your life you will have a mental health problem, you will need support and you will need the people there to have your backs and to lift your spirits.

I may talk about Mental Health a lot in my blogs but its because people need to be aware of what it means.
For those who at the moment do not suffer with anything, its about being the bigger person and helping those people in need. we are not monsters, to be scared of we are human just like the rest of you.

Sometimes we do not show our feelings, because of wanting the attention, or not wanting to come across as, as society puts it being mental,
i think mental health gets labelled to much.

Going back to the show, James went oh no as he was asked a question, but it was a simple question.
Could i play tennis when i first started, i could hit a ball yes.
However, i knew nothing about positioning, scoring, how to use my forehand, and backhand, to do better plays.

and i think the most worst aspect of my game was my serve.
But over the course of the 12 weeks i learned a lot, i grew as a person but overall , i had fun, i laughed, i joked, and i left feeling over the moon and just wanting the next week to fly by so i could be back to my happy place at the club again.

Tomorrow Marks the start of the feeling good again project, where i will be helping out every week, as we all have to start somewhere, and if the talent i saw with the last project can be found again then i will enjoy seeing and helping peoples talents grow.

At the end of the show, i got the chance to be in a group picture with James, Dale, melvynprior

also Having a picture sat next to the microphone which i edited both pictures in photoshop to look even more amazing !!!! hehe (:


Dress to impress is what you should always do even on radio because likes with the pictures, they can show a image of the person you have become, plus its always better to look presentable to the person your being interviewed for.

On The way back, i had amazing car journey, where we all talked, laughed and enjoyed ourself, plus i cant remember where we stopped but Dale let me take a picture of a stunning place that you can see below !!!



Overall the experience, was one for the history books, i dont aim to be famous in life, money etc, all i want is to feel more and more happy, by doing what i love and helping the community.
Having that feeling of praise is its own reward and i may not have a lot in life but i dont need gaming, a fancy place to be happy !!!

I hope that the new session at Grantham Tennis Club Really makes a difference in peoples life, and i hope i can get the chance to be on the radio again next year if the program continues.

If you suffer with mental health, the only advice i can take it, take each day as it comes, it will be a long journey and there will be a lot of days where you feel like giving up, i had so many of them in 2016.
But i am in a much better place mind and body to be more happy.
I would also say is force yourself to come out of your comfort zone, even if it takes a year so what, you can say to yourself when you have done what you set out i did it !!!!!

Small steps and loving the little things in life is all apart of your life journey.

Please feel free to share the message to people who might need help.

Thank you for Reading (:




Full Voice Interview

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