Looking back at 2017 !!! Mental and Physical Health | DanielMarshallAdventures

2016 was a very hard year, but 2017 has really changed my life, it has shocked me so i wanted to go through the bad and good points over the last 2 years.

Now I think i have gone into a lot of what happened in 2016 so i will try to briefly explain.

After suffering with depression and anxiety while being with someone for 5 years, things started to fall apart, and in the end due some major faults of my own we broke up a few days into 2016.

At that point i was homeless, i had no friends and i did not want to be around my family.
I tried to kill myself, for 6 months i barley ate, hardly leaving my room, and everyday crying, tearing myself apart.

I could not stop contacting my ex because she was everything, as i did not have a good childhood or a great life overall until i met her.
I was also bullied at school for being the quite one, and no matter how much i tried to fit in i was always picked on and looked down upon.

so for me because i had never made friends, and spent my time making sure she was happy, i just felt like i had nothing to live for.

I had never got help for my issues, and no one suggested about it either until the break up.
I ended up getting a 12 month harassment thing where i could not contact her, etc and i decided then that clearly i was never going to see or speak to her again even as friend so to now focus on turning my life around.

Throughout 2016 i tried to make friends from Grantham online, as my social skills have never been great, and to some it may seem like freckish messaging people on facebook around the local area i dont know.
To me i am confident online, and to me because i struggle so much with people skills in the real world, i would much rather get to know people online for a while first before meeting to be friends.

We somehow still live in a world that people look down upon you for that, and social media has grown so much that i do not see what the issue is now days.

It was not until i started trying to cover events with my photography and videos that i started to find where i belong within the local community.
by the end of 2016 I had managed to find myself a training partner at the gym, as i was really struggling to use the equipment and push myself to go.
what i often get return is people who do not know me being so nasty
Tbh i blame technology, we live more and more in a very anti social and nasty world where everyone inc females will look down at someone they dont even know because of how they look, when trying to get to know someone people will make the stupid viral word of your not my type which is just a lazy way to hold back a nasty comment they want to make on your looks.
like how is someone not your type when all you wanna do is be friends with that person?
It just mades me really angry that these people have nothing better to do in their lives then to look down on others.These people are normally so up their ass that they think they have the perfect friends and the perfect life.
For me i do not judge, on looks, age etc, because a lot of people have forgotten that personality is key.
You could be at society puts it hot as fuck, but you could be a total bitch inside, one that talks behind peoples back, laugh and put others down, just to make their own lives less boring (:

With having my own experiences of hanging out with people at school just to have friends, when in reality all they ever did was take the piss out of me.
at the time i thought having nasty friends was better then having no one but i soon realized that i would rather suffer alone then hang out with those who would only make my depression worse.

So when i started making my first friend i did not know what to expect, he soon became my best friend, as i made more friends online and through tennis and covering events my confidence started to Bulid.

Over the course of 2017 my physical health has only kept growing, and i have been able to achieve so much because of it.
When i was at the gym though i often did struggle with my grip still as well as knowing how to do said workout but after being shown needing help straight away, as i understood what to do but my body would not do the same.
so one of the workouts is using cables, so you arch your back out and pull the cable from your lower chest back up and i could never keep my arms in the right place.
with the deadlifts i kept moving my whole body instead of just standing up.
The annoying thing was i did not know i was doing it when lifting.
I would be told again and again from my friend but most of the time my body never listened.
so overall to people it looks like i am dumb when i am not its just my body is not on the same wave length as my body.
so for me i have to try twice as hard over doing it just to try and keep calm to do the workouts but also push to compete with what they were lifting in terms of weight.
I manage somehow to turn my upset and anger into raw strength, and its amazing how much push i have that only keeps surprising me more and more.

After a few months of using gym gloves for my grip, i eventually stopped using them, which things like the lat pull down and the max rack was still digging into my hands but now i could tolerate the pain a lot more.

Although throughout this year i have been able to get stronger, and more confident around the gym in terms of using the equipment by myself and even trying equipment i was scared to by myself, my confidence around others is still something i need to work on.
I have managed to take part in one class that has changed my stamina and speed, and had be fun and a lot of competition but i have avoided classes like circuits, boxing, dancing and other due to the fact i also need help as i get confused a lot.

On top of that i have this annoying thing about me that i am not confident around females, which in a way out of my own fault its stopped me from being able to explore and train with others in the fun classes.

so instead i just learned to focus on the one class i was good at, and kept aiming to get better and better.
In October it was a double challenge for me as the gym had prizes going for that month so i pushed extra hard but also mixing the watt bike class up with target based sessions.

In the last 3 months i have bonded with people in that class, because of how much everyone pushes themselves to achieve.

Just as i start to win classes and break my own records i have to push even harder as others have pushed just as hard to match me, we all have fun and laughs and its an awesome feeling to be in for that 30 minutes of the class.

In Fact only a week a go to me was the best class ever !!!
I not only got a much higher percentage overall in the class, but beaten records of overall heart rate and peak heart rate for a morning class (:
What amazed me more was a guy that came out of nowhere to match me all the way through that class and ended up beating me toward the end, its a crazy feeling, having the music pumping, seeing how well your doing in front of you, your legs hurting, but out of no where you keep pushing more and more because you want that win !!!!

Its that pure adrenaline rush i have craved more then ever this year, 90 percent of the time, if i running to play shots at tennis, or pedaling fast on the watt bikes, i am happy, i have more engry then i could dream off, my depression gone, i am not worrying or thinking about anything other then pushing my limits more and more.

around 4 months a go i managed to push my heart rate to 195 and it did scare me as for a short while after i did feel dizzy and took me a while to calm down but after something to eat and rest despite reaching my limit, i felt alive and could go again (:

So for me 195 is not good enough in 2018 i wanted to reach at least 200 i know i can do it given the right music and the right situation and as long as i have something with sugar or a bite to eat straight after i will be fine.

Overall i feel the last 4 months something has snapped inside of me, and put me on a even better track in life, it has had it challenges though.

I went through very bad points during those months but without that would not lead me to my new thinking in life and i still do think everything happends for a reason.
The first thing to change was admitting to myself i longer have passion for making videos and to stop trying to keep doing it and then getting stressed over the whole process.
I decided at that point my life needed a new direction, which was to try and go back into Education and study within the health sector.
After a back and forth week of going to the job centre and back to the college, i was told i could not get funding for any level 2, but could for level 3 but cant study level 3 without going on level 2 !!!

I went for the Interview for the course anyway while waiting to hear from the jobcentre over funding.
the course required you to do a screening test aimed at dyslexia.
I got really stressed while taking it and the results showed that i do suffer with it but with it being a screening test it was not a official assessment.
After getting advice from the college i was told it was best to take my GCSES again,
this way it would help re train my brain but also help with getting used to being around others.
i was told however that i would not be able to get any help over my learning diffulty until i was studying a course at the college.
so i started stepping up my already pestering and researching over getting help for my learning diffuclites.

I asked on local facebook groups for any advice, and then i went off contacting lots of different compaines.
most of them either said they was no help, no funding, or to have words with the doctor
The doctors so far in Grantham, either tell you to get over it or do not understand no matter how much you explain things.

I got in touch with a company in Grantham who deal with dyprxia but the problem was they charge 14 pounds per hour, and when i spoke to them, they said i would be looking at a couple of hours a week for at least 1-2 months to chat about the process of getting help etc.
which would be at least 100 pounds a month, and with being on jobseekers i couldnt afford that.
Lots of people have said to me you need to go on ESA again tried that with the useless doctors who take one look at me and go your 26 you look in good shape, if i give you a sick note you would only keep coming back to get one ??? like yeah thats what ESA is you need a sick note to start the application in the first place, and then you need to keep going back in order to keep sending it off so you can get your payments.
i think ive had at least 10 people plus my support worker who say that i need to be on ESA but because the idiot doctors dont understand, then i have just had to stay on job seekers.

A few weeks a go i got in touch with a wonderful company in Lincoln, who understood me very well, and gave me help on the best way to ask for help at the doctors.
This person mentioned that at boston Hospital they look into Learning Difficulties but i would need to be referred by a doctor for it.
So weeks later i was seen by a doctor with my support worker.
I explained everything, inc about the referral, he just shook his head, ingored what i said and moved on in the talk like how rude !!!!

How rude that after 5 times explaining what my issues were and how it affects my day to day life, did it take my support worker to step in as well in order to get a NHS form Printed off, which basically asks you what your issues are and why you need help, which then gets sent back to the doctor and sent away for someone else to look out.

On top of that, on my medical records it was shown that dyslexic was already on there from 2008, 10 years a go !!!
and yet over the last 2 years of seeing over 10 different doctors, not once when mentioning about getting help with it did anyone ever mention my medical records which they would need to look at everytime i asked for help !!!
The Fact as well that it took that many doctors and that many tries to get a NHS form as well is a joke.

 See everything is connected, i cant get a proper place to live as i am not high enough on the Counil,
i cant get higher because i do have issues with my mental health and learning, but have not been on paper to help the application move along.

I cant get help for my issues, so my issues gets worse, which impacts my mental and physical health.
and so on.

So in my mind everything i Achieve is always a test for me and has been Extremely hard to push through everything in order to be happy.
Someone once told me, if your capable of playing sport, in good physical health, and do photography, then why are you not working???

For me everyday is a challenge, with my mental health and with how i am able to get things done.
so i already mentioned about my body doing different to my hands because of that, i have last every job i have had in the past.
My depression also having a big impact on working as, its very hard to control, most of the time it just switches on and off, without a cause, when that happens and i am in a crowed place my aniexty then kicks in to make things even worse.

There are days where i feel good and somedays were my bed is the only place i can be all day.
It was not until the end of 2016 that i was told that Physical health helps a lot with these issues.
So I took Charge and quickly learned that being at the gym and at tennis made me super happy.
That right there is the only answer, when i am in that space, most of the time i dont worry, my issues are gone and i feel good about myself, i do often still struggle with social interaction and being around people but when i am there its more under control to compared to working, as its something i am happy about and enjoying, hence the reason why i wanted to start my own business up.

Its taken a year of hard battles, of even having days and weeks where even sport has made me upset and feel worse, to make my physical health much better which had not fixed my mental health but made it so much better.

Its one of the things why going back into education is key for me as its taking one step out of my comfort zone, getting used to be around others again and hoping that after my GCSES i can either finally get somewhere with studying within the health sector or have the confidence to work again.
as i may be able to capture photography for events but i am not a confident person around people overall.
Now is partly one of the reasons i decided to take a break from photography, even my Private Counselor argeed, she said i would regret it if i stopped it all together, as its where my creative mind comes from, its my passion and its done wonders with connecting with the local community.
However i often used the camera as an excuse to hide the real me, i used the camera as my confidence, and it got so bad that i really did not enjoy going to things without it.
It did me good but it also was a major issue is enforcing the issue rather then learning to deal with being in a crowed place without it.
i was told that maybe for a short while just go out and take photography of what you like taking, rather then saying right today there is an event ill go and take photos of that.

all my friends and the local community have said the same thing which is just keep being me, keep enjoying what i do as it clearly has been helping.

Technology For me is a blessing and a curse, its a blessing as i am able to help the community, i am able to relax when not working on photos etc, and just watch my fav tv shows, movies and Youtube Videos.
Its a curse as because i have for to long made myself get cosy in the bed, it stops me from leaving as when i feel down, being in bed does not cure but helps make me feel better rather then trying to push through it and be social.

Its been a curse because i have not gone to things that i would enjoy because i havent been in the mood to bring my camera with me and in the last month of not really using it, i have been much happier (:
in the last month i have been more social, i listen more to people, i have slightly changed the way i have been eating, and i have more drive to succeed in life then i have done.
In a way i feel that i am very knowledgeable and easy to talk to because of my life experiences.

I loved being with my partner and yes i do miss her and yes i wish we could be friends,
but at the end of the day, through that experience ending, i am slowly finding the real me.
I have made friends, i have a great community of people that have started to understand me
and slowly i am getting used to being independent.
Its hard, sometimes it does feel lonely, and i know when i was with my partner i did relay on her a lot to do things i could not do, its taken 2 years to adjust myself to my new situation and i love it.

I am close to my flat mates which its the first time being in a shared house i have managed to let my guard down and be myself around others.
In a way they are more people in terms of friends, because we get on so well.
I enjoyed the 5 years i was with my partner and i would not want to change it expect just being able to have friends and learn to be an independent person back then.
and to me my life is only just starting i may be 26 but i feel like a kid again because i am now getting life experiences that i should have had around 19-20.

Overall this year has shown me that although i was not an amazing person with my partner and i had a lot of faults i have battled, to get help over it, i have took the time to learn about my faults and to either fix them or find a way around them.
and for 2018 i hope that i can finally get the help i have been looking for and that my new direction in life will be one with a good meaning, good laughs and great times.

Thank you For Reading and i hope your 2018 brings you some magical (:

What i have learned about myself about the past year, and the future | DanielMarshallVlogs

When I decided to take blogging serious, the idea was to make it a platform to help the local community, over time that expanded to my adventures in life.
At the moment though i feel its the only place i can be true to who i am, not being afraid of who knows,weather that be friends, the local community, even people i have networked with or may network with in the future.
Over the course of the last year, i have lived by the rule of if i can not be who i am then i am lost,
I would rather make loads of enemies and have a small selection of the best people in the world, then have people who i hardly talk to, or do not understand me.

So what i am about to talk about, is my life, its who i am, i take each day as it comes, and i hold no regrets on what i say because people can choose not to read my blogs, choose not to like me as a person, laugh etc, you can not please everyone, or even make every understand, all i try to do is have a place where i can get my thoughts out, and help people understand a little more about the person i am Behind a computer screen and in real life (:

Now for me, i often feel the need to blog, or feel inspired in some way, when i have watched a movie, tv show or even videos on Youtube.
I will often Relate to that thing, as i find if i reference something, its easier for my brain to get the information out i am trying to say or write.
I used to be with someone years a go, who used to have a right go at me for doing this, and ok i can understand that it may have been annoying but if that is sometimes how i get what i need to say out then i really dont see there being a issue around it (:

So for this section i will be referencing DR Foster,
with the show showed whats its like with complex emotions are in play around a child and how much that child trys to shove it back into his head and get on with life, deep inside feelings will always take over how you feel, weeks, month and years later, if something really bad happend in our lives, we often try to bury it so much that, one moment in life it all comes flushing back to the point its to much to cope.
I felt strong emotions towards the show because, although my parents did not cheat, i was in the middle of something i could not escape.
This was for 18 years, suffering with bad depression and aniexty, due to my dad being abusive to my mum.
If it was not the shouting, it was the beating, smashing the house, smashing plates, because oh no why my dad sat doing nothing, and mum was in the kitchen cooking a sunday roast, my dad would complain that the food was never hot enough, or it would be he didnt have enough meat, there was always somethng that was not right, and instead of sorting it out, he took it out by smashing things.
The times he didnt start on my mum, he would start on me, for not being able to tie my laces, saying, he should be able to f... tie them at his age.
My mum tried to teach me but again my dad would always have a go if i did not get it, so of course my self worth and confidence was next to nothing.
Only the last year, have i been able to really understand about my body and about myself, that i have poor hand coordination skills and sometimes i know what i am doing but then my body does not want to do the same, which i have talked about in other blog posts.

Many times i tried to run away, as i could not take living there anymore.
Many times i wanted to be around people, got into Relationships that i could not keep because i loved them but kept pushing them away as i did not want them to be a part of what was going on in my life.
By the time me and my mum managed to move away from my dad, it was to late as my mum was never abusive to me in a physical way, but mentally.
By then i started to get angry and shout back, as i had enough of being pushed from one post to another.
I never wanted to become my dad, i would hate myself if i ever did, but i had a lot of rage inside me because i was just so confused what was going on in my life.
The skills and the way of life to cope as adult was never there for me as most times if i could not do something i was shouted out, instead of understanding why i could not do said thing.

When i Finally got into my first serious relationship, i was very shut off for months, i had got used to shutting myself in my room, playing video games, i was not used to love and affection,
so the first few months we aruged a lot, and almost broke up because i could not cope opening up how i felt around her.

I was with her for nearly 5 years, but as we got more into being with each other, we both, not just one person but both, started getting angry at each other, which then made us both feel depressed at times,
for me i was the one more depressed and because i got used to shutting my side in my room when anything bad happend with my parents, it used to take me ages to calm down to compared to my ex.

Something i do not think she understood at the time, and i never really tried to be open and tell her,
its only been this last year that i have been able to look at my past and realize what went wrong.

We shouted a lot over such stupid things, as a result we ended up breaking up over so many different things, to this day i am still trying to figure everything out.

Although i do think about the past, i do not let it run my live, and my future, you can not and should not bury the past and never think about it no matter how painful it is.
ok do not think about it all the time, but its always good to think through the bad and the good times, that way you can see what went wrong, and not make those mistakes again, but also remember that you had good times, which will stay with you, and make you stronger going forward.

The last month i have been talking about the past a lot, to a private counselor i am seeing which has been good as i have been able to learn so much about myself.

When i was with my ex, she was everything to me, and i used to think that as long as she was happy i was, and that is not really how you should live your live, depending and foucusing your whole life on one person.
I am not saying do not care for the person you are with, but every single person needs to also have their own drive, confidence, self worth, goals, career etc.
You are strong Together as you are apart, if both of you are confident about your jobs your life and where you want life to take you, then that is what makes a good relationship.

When that was took away from me, due to mostly my own actions, I did not care about my life, i had no self worth, i took the cowards way out, and tried to hurt myself, i went into very bad depression.
I had no friends, i refused to be a part of my parents life, as my dad only cared about giving me money and not seeing me, and my mum, just never understood me, i had a few phones calls, and a meet, and you can just tell from the way she talked to me that she had not changed, and felt like she needed to be in control of my life.

So i shut myself off again, i became ill in the sense that, walking to the shop hurt, i was sick a lot due to not eating or overeating because of not eating properly, I would get a lot of pain, hardly any sleep,
I felt like i was going mad at times.

I struggled to cook proper meals for myself and still do a bit, again because its not that i dont know how to cook its my bloody body.

It took 7 months to snap me out of my madness, out of crying everyday, to find a little bit of self worth, through playing tennis and meeting people.
I quickly learned that i had all this strength, being poured from the regrets of life, and letting my self go, that i felt i needed to prove to the world this is not who i want to be anymore.
I had so much fun playing tennis that i felt so happy, it was not only the first thing i had other then sitting on my computer all day, but something that i was starting to get good at.

I have learned that, the worse place my demons take over it sitting in my room, however that is also the place i love the most, but wait you said tennis was???
Tennis is my happy place, but there is any so much your body can take before you just want to go home and relax.
I was brought up with technology, and the love of tv shows and movies, that for me there is nothing better then just being snuggled up in bed watching my really cool stuff.
I try as much as possible to be out and about, but when i feel down, weak, etc my bed and my computer are the things that keep me going, and the place i feel the safest.

Of course the computer has been one of many ways out of my old life and into my new one.
I think of eveything that has had some kind of knock on effect and that without them, I would not be where i am today, starting with going through the princes trust, I would not have got my Dan Media Productions branding, how even though i was a very unconfident person, around others, Give me something i have passion for, and suddenly, i am standing in front of people, giving a 30 second look into what my business is and how it will help you.
That confident i can talk about how video production is done, what you need the creative ideas etc.
I had never had confidence in my life that before and it was great, i got to meet people i would of never thought of, other video creators, social media marketing companies, going on workshops,
it was a transition from being a kid, to an adult.
The knock on affect of my business plan being accepted, getting the funding, to have the camera which not only got me out of the house and helped with my depression a little but has now turned into something far greater, discovering that i have a small skill in photography, and that its growing, quicker then the business of making videos was supposed to.
The affect its had in my confidence to go on the radio, to become more open about who i am and my issues, to keep learning and learning about the world, skills i need, to keep helping the local community.
Just think that if my plan was not accepted by the princes trust, where would i be now in life.
I think i would lost, my depression would of gotten worse then it did and probs done things that until it was to late didnt know i was doing.

I have learned that i have way more strength and will power then i give myself credit for,
but this can come at a cost, I am a very competitive person, not the kind who laughs at others, or winning is everything, but i go out there to aim to win, but to also have fun, playing with people that are better then me gives me more fuel, playing with people that make you laugh, gives me more fuel (:
For me, its silly when i say this but because i dont have someone controlling my life weather that be parents or a loved one, its sometimes hard to know when to stop.
I will keep pushing and pushing doing what i love to the point it hurts, which then will make me feel rubbish about myself, which is then a never ending cycle of beating the demons to only let them win again.
so i have been told that i need to take care more of my body, and if for example at tennis, if i am having a bad day, where i know i feel rubbish, decide to have a break, chat to people and see how i feel rather then thinking itll get better next game, and then leaving thinking why did i ever bother leaving the door this morning.

I do have way more strength then i used to, the depression is still bad but its not everyday, where i am today to compared to the 7 months after the break up, i do feel like a new person, not 100 percent but slowly learning more and more and becoming better (:
No matter how strong i think i am though, i do often have more strength through others,
If i am at the gym, and i am with friends, or with amazing staff, they push me, they can see my drive, and they help to push it further, and often i do acheive better when i am given that little extra push
I am just so happy that i have such amazing people in life at the moment (:

For me i dont know fancy meals out in a pub, or to go on holidays, buy lots of things, ok it would be nice to be able to treat myself a little more, but i dont need tons of money or things to make me happy, doing what i do makes me happy, making others happy, makes me happy.
I think sometimes when we are ruled by having lots of money or surroundings ourselfs in luxury things we forget what we are doing in live and why we are doing it.

Not tons of people but some people work 50+ hours and boast how much money they have, but time is short, and in my eyes what is the point having tons of money and no time to spend it, leaving you maybe one day a month or even a year where you have a massive splash buying things you dont need because look i have lots of money i worked hard for.
In life you need a balance from the amount of hours you work to the amount of time you have to use it, spend time with loved ones etc.

So yeah i dont have a fancy camera, i dont take the best pictures in the world but i sit and learn with what i have got, and i use the knowledge i have took time to learn to help others (:

I might be sad when i say that i could not live without my computer, but without it i would have nothing to learn and block away my demons, without tennis, it would be the same, without gym, i would be weak, i would not have bulit the friends i have and the community i have In Lincolnshire, without all the things that make me, well me (:

My biggest fear at the moment i have found is my aniexty being around others,
I have never been a social person, due to my parents, I do find it hard starting up a talking point to people i dont know, this is why i much perfer for a while talking to people online, that why i can say almost anything i want without the need of feeling shy, feeling scared, being that quiet person who sits in the corner looking silly.

My main issue is not having the same drive i have with sports, and putting into forcing myself to talk to people, although the gym is the most place i talk to people, it is mostly with my friends.
If the staff say hi and want to talk to me, i often end up either repeating myself every time, with hello how are you,  oh thats great music thats on, and sadly thats about all i say.
do i stop what i am doing, and have a real talk with the staff, NO.
I want to but i just then feel awarked and either i focus on what i was doing, or end up leaving.
Its nobodys fault other then my own, people have even said oh just be yourself, i try that and it never happends the way i want it to.

The other problem with aniexty i have is, being around a group of people, i feel on edge, again not myself, i have tried so many times to talk in groups and i know its not for me.
Even going to see live bands, i still feel on edge, sometimes its easier to control then others, but its something that keeps controlling my life and keeps making me miss out on great things.

This next bit i cant remember posting about before, and its something that is totally silly, to some will laugh their socks off, and think its a joke but again i am open, and i will always be, people may say oh but we dont need to know that, well.. oh well, its me, what you gonna do haha (:

Being around Females, of any age, is just as bad as my aniexty.
The first case I remember how bad i was, and to a lot may seemed like i was as society says a freak and i probs still am.
This was starting college in nottingham, and wanting to talk to this girl, not because i liked her, i had never spoken to her, she was in my class, so one day, i wrote on some paper, hi i am really shy, yes i did put this..... and i would like to get to know you, let me know if this is ok !!!
I now look back at that and think what a twat i was, sending a letter to a girl just to ask her to talk to me like wtf daniel haha.

Even when i got girlfriends, talking to them happened by online first before meeting.
Back then and even to this day, I get neverous, if a female sits next to me, not so bad if i really know them, but still, feel on edge and shy, sometimes to the point i will get up and leave and sit somewhere else, i feel on edge if i am at the gym, and i am training on my own, and the manchine i want to use there is a female on the next one, which then i avoid using until shes done, like seriously just go use the dam thing lol.
The worse one is when i am meeting someone new to become friends, and they give you hug, i try as much as possible to avoid it and then just get really shy.
All these issues of mine do annoy me, because its not the person i would like to be.
i want to be able to bring my confidence over from my business like approach into well just being me.
That is the issue that the more and more i get content with being safe, and not pushing myself out of my comfort zone, the worse the issues get !!!

Seriously i really do, do anything to try and hid who i am, sometimes without even knowing i do,
I think in a odd way thats why i have taken to photography in such a passionate way, because i guess its behind a screen haha just kidding (:

Overall, its been a miracle of a year, and at times i wish i could be more, and have more, i have to live each day as it comes, and just keep doing what i live and hope within time, my life will fix itself (:

So there you go, a bunch of things you may or may not have known about me, its been good just to have a few hours to get this of my chest, now i just have to focus my brain onto writing, the blog posts i aimed to do, and even think about getting into writing Stories, that i used to do many years a go !!!!!!

Ramblings of a confused man ????/ Recovery college ??? 29-09-17 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

That time again where i was meant to be creative and have ongoing blog posts that need to be done but just do not have that creative spark or drive, been debating weather to write this for nearly 2 hours now !!!!
Its not been a great week at all, and is why i feel i need to write to get my thoughts away.
Before i get into the bad week i wanted to explain about the kinda of good news I got today.

So as some of you may know who reads my blog posts, since 2016 i have battling with the lack of support by the mental health services.
In life, it so ironic that you not told about services that are offered by the same company at the same place you have been going to for other kinds of help !!!!
This week while playing tennis, i got talking to someone about anxiety and about the useless course i was given to me last week a course that i had waited 6 months for !!!!

The course i was given by the mental health services, aka steps to change, was a group  anxiety course.
Now on the letter it did not explain what it entailed, so in my mind i thought it would be like getting to know each other, group activities to help get of the fear of talking to people and being in the room with others ???

As i arrived for my first session, i had to fill out the thing that should be banned which is the stupid so how have you felt over the past 2 weeks with about 12 questions, of a score based between 0-10 !!
To me when you have had a bad week, or even a good week, we as humans do not mark ourselves on score, we often do not put the correct score depending if that week has been good or not.
This then often leads to not getting further help because they base their decision on the stupid score system and oh no if you did not score high you dont get the help you need !!!!

I filled it in but i swear if i get given it again, even if i kick up a fuzz i am not filling one in ever again.
Instead much like my private counseling i have been having that i will explain a little more later on, even they argeed with many people that, it should be banned and the way the trust deals with patience's is very poor.
The private counseler even said that she had enough of following their workings and that talking to someone about their issues and accessing what help is needed is better then asking someone to rate how they feel !!! 

So going back to the talk with someone at the tennis place, they mentioned that at the same place i go to they do recovery courses also known as recovery college.
These are aimed at group interactions, which is what is should be about.
if you want to find out more about it you can here (:
http://www.lpft.nhs.uk/our-services/adult-services/recovery-college

So why on earth after having 12 weeks of counseling, 5 weeks of CBT, did the same trust never ever mention about this !!!!!!! its nuts.
I then was talking about my anxiety to a friend that i went to for a social meet, and they knew about it and gave me the number to ring.
That is what i did i have got an appointment to talk about the courses like a enrollment, does not mean that the 18th October i have this that i will get instant help.
As they run a lot of different taster courses and core courses, from understanding stress, aniexty and a lot lot more !!! something that i have been wanting this whole time (: here is a little brief write up of a section of a email i just got explaining about the courses.
Your enrolment at the College will last one year. The College runs on a three term academic year. During the first two terms we recommend you taking a mixture of ‘taster sessions’ and ‘core sessions. In your final term, to prepare you for leaving the College, we would recommend you take our ‘moving on’ courses. At enrolment we would make sure you are not overwhelming yourself by taking too many courses, therefore, we would advise a maximum of eight courses during the academic year.

all courses are free, you dont need to bring ID, or anything with you, and i believe as long as they dont overlap your allowed to go onto as many as you can.

I do suffer with both depression and anxiety, and with having private counselling just from the last month, has helped more then the time i have had with the trust.
I was told by the trust 2 months a go when i got a phone call about the anxiety course, that i do seemed to suffer from aniexty the most and i cant say i do i think both are just as bad as each other.

So i am really helping that this recovery college will be the next steps to make me a much more confident person (:
Anxiety is a big problem for me on top of being really shy to meet new people and talk to people.
Unless i am talking about my photography, things i am passionate about or even having a common intrest with that person, i am a totally different person and just struggle coping with making conversation.

Over the past year i have tried as much as possible to force myself out of my comfort zone.
Weather that is meeting with a group of people, to even going to local music gigs.
Most of the time at music gigs i end up leaving due to a overwhelming about of people near me.
In group meets i seem to latch onto one person to talk to as trying to talk to different people just makes me feel on edge, my heart races, i get into a panicked state and just want to leave.

From experience of that i now know that group meetings are just not my thing, the last few months i tried to challenge myself to going to a local social event held once a month in Grantham at a wonderful place.
I have been there 3 times and everytime i just sit there quiet, looking awkward, Its been good going though as i met another photographer, and someone who passed on the details of the counselor i am seeing now (: 
Its often frustrating though, as i dont want to be like that, i dont want to have the need of people coming to me to start the convo, or seeing me quiet and talking.
What i want is when i go to group meetings, is to go in feeling confident, start a talking point off, then go talk to someone else and make friends, yet something just wont snap to make that possible.
Even everyday life i am the same, I love playing tennis, and expect for someone talking to me again starting a talking point off. I often find myself to focused on my tennis then being social.
At the gym, i have got better at talking but still will avoid the chance to meet new people and just focus on what i am doing.
I just seem incapable of talking, a lot of people say what you complain about  just go and do it !!
like der that is what i am trying to do, those people do not know how hard and how taxing it is on yourself pushing yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes it can make you feel worse because of the pressure of having someone telling you just to do it.

I think a lot of people do not know this side of me because i am mostly known as the man with a camera.
I use that to have my confidence and through that i seem to be able to network with people and even talk, its nuts how much of a different person i am just with a camera in my hand (:

Now i will go into the past few weeks and why the last week had been my worst in a long while.
Every week i have meetings with the counselor, talking about my past, my emotions etc.
Every week, for about a hour i feel drained at the end because when you drag so much history up, that you have buried then it impacts not only your mind but your body.
After that though i feel pumped for the day so getting things of my chest really helps.

2 weeks a go I was talking about my photography and what i do for the community,
and she mentioned when was the last time you just went out and took photos for yourself, exploring and capturing what you see.
I said to not in a while, because its been so business and event based, which is nothing wrong with that, but obvious it can be very tiring and demanding.

I took on board what she said and the next day went out for a wonderful walk, i often go by the saying everything happends for a reason, and its true.
In that moment of exploring lead me to enter a photography competition, which was for the Lincolnshire Rivers trust, they loved my photo so much that it was used on Facebook as their cover for the event coming up in Grantham (:
That week started off great because I was in the Journal about my work, only a few days before.
Sadly by the end of the week things went downhill very fast.
Friday 22nd, started epic as i played my best tennis ever, was really happy.
Got home had a shower, something to eat, then a few hours later started to feel strange.
This feeling was not new as Because i have suffered so long i have this sense that i do not feel right, like i am not sad or upset but now really happy either.

By 6pm i had set myself a plan, as i was going to see a local music artist, I started listening to music, and then just after 7.30pm, I could hear shouting over the music.
So I looked outside to see people shouting at each other, and then 5 mins later Police car turning up.
This of course put me on edge a little, even though, it was nothing to do with me, and my brain should not be stupid to get worked up, it did.
I was late leaving due to wanting to wait till it had quieten down, which made me walk faster in my highten state .

I got there, and settled myself thinking right i got my camera to take photos and enjoy a wonderful night, yeah that did not happen.
I could not get comfty, again i did not feel sad but i did not feel really happy either.
After the artist said he was taking a small break, i decided to leave.
Walking back i suddenly without thinking of anything got upset, felt panicked, just being a total idiot.

I got back and for i think 20 Minutes, just sat there about to cry not doing anything.
brushed it aside and started editing the photos i managed to take hoping the next day will be better.
I had managed to dead sleep, where you feel like you have had tons more sleep then you have, which often you will have a headache, feel dizzy, hot, and just do not want to get out of bed.
I set my alarm for 9am and just switched it off, and re woke at 10am.
My body struggled to move but i know i wanted to play tennis later on that day.
90 percent of the time tennis with it being my happy place, snaps me out of it, but there are days where again it makes you feel worser.
That is what happened as, to say i am very physical fit, and no not in looks wise haha but like my speed etc, i just could not move my feet, i could not play at all, it was like i had forgotten how to do anything.

Of course this lead me to feel annoyed at myself, not having good games and making me feel crap about myself walking back home.

I knew i had other stuff to do throughout the day like writing 2 blog posts, one still not being done as i write this one !!!
I had no creativity, and that whole evening was spent in my bed watching shows and feeling awful.
The next morning i felt the same as the other night with dead sleeping again.
A few hours after waking up, i knew i needed to go out as the event for the photography competition was on.
I was glad i went as it cheered me up, with seeing loads of cats on the way back and taking photos of them (:
overall i was not back to normal but i felt a bit better, it did not last long as for the 3rd night i felt like i had more sleep then i did.
For most of Monday, was spent in bed, did not even go to tennis as seeing the counselor again was changed to a Tuesday for that week.

I did have something to look forward to which was doing Cardio at the gym in the evening.
This lead to more being annoyed at myself as i could not push myself as hard as i had been doing.
for some reason my mental state was really affecting my physical body a lot.
Tuesday was a better day, only because of talking about things again, i was now feeling 90percent better !!

The next day was tennis, and i did a bit better, but by the end i felt rubbish again, and did nothing else after that until the evening for more cardio which again was not getting the results i was used to.
This time I had managed to lock my legs and cause a lot of pain, which of course i felt miserable again, ahhh !!!

This leads me onto the last 2 days , expect for last night, I had nearly dead sleeped for a week !!!
all week i had not had the drive i was used to, as mentioned towards the start, was the group meeting, and i mostly talked to the one person i had known from other meets, plus i was still not feeling my usual self.
Today was just a miss match of feelings, as 1 opportunity i had was gone, and another re arranged so my plans for the day changed.
I went to play tennis, and once again, i just fell apart, would not be as bad if i was making wrong decisions like we all sometimes do with anything in life.
its when your body does not want to move, your coordination skills go out the window and you just feel like why am i even bothering anymore.
This week has just been horrible, not because of the things i have done but because i have not been able to control how i have been feeling which had then had a negative impact on doing those things.

I have tried to relax and let the day go and hope for a better day that did not work, i tried taking a good grip on reality and that had the same results.
I just do not know at the moment why i feel the way i do, as i should be happy, my photography is going places, so why i am not happy ???
I just feel so confused right now, lost in my own thoughts.
I miss so much in life because i either leave early, i do not bother going, and when i do my social skills are nothing, i want to experience so much more in life and yet how can i even be accepted because of my mental health, how can i do these things when, i can not stay ??? AHH !!!!!

I think for now i have written enough as this has took 2 hours out of my day not that i am doing anything with it lol.
For me i try to always improve on things, and push myself its just so how when the demons are fighting back harder and harder every month, like the more i achieve the stronger they get.

When i have more details over the course at the recovery college, i shall do a update post but for now i just somehow need to snap myself out of what ever the heck is going off with me at the moment (:
Thanks for reading please feel free to share and follow me on the links below !!

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Where i see my life, and the Future of Lincolnshire | Daniel Marshall Adventures

After over 60 Blogs i have written, what can i say I love writing, Yes i have poor spelling and Grammar, I just like getting things off my mind.
I never expect anyone, to enjoy reading my thoughts, i never really aimed for a goal to achieve expect, just doing what i like doing, if it helps people, or even helps people understand, then i am happy.

What i write in this blog post, made just seem like ramblings from a mad man, but its how i feel, i have learned to accept who i am, and learn my brain will never shut up.
I have always wanted to be a explorer, weather that is about the world, going for walks to see the countryside, or learning about myself.

I have learned to accept that depsite what my friends may say i am not a confident person in the real world which i will go into more detail later on, all i can say it, i accept who i am, even though to a lot of people in may seem sad but i love just being on my computer, from watching shows, to many ....
to editing photography, videos, making music, social media marketing and much more, hey if you know you have a thing and are good at it, you go with it !!!!!!

I mentioned a few weeks back, that i had brought just a silly note pad, to draw and write ideas down and guess what i have not touched it since !!!!! which is really annoying, when i am finally drawn away from the computer, i am either playing way to much tennis, down at the gym, running and other things.
I just do not seem to get that frame of mind to write, I hate holding a pen, i guess that is what happends, when you brought up with technology, its just so easy for me to write what i have up to this point in a matter of mins, where it would take me half a hour on paper.

I just find Technology my little niche in the world, if i am not creating i love watching creators on Youtube, making content, I love finding videos from video producers from business videos to other topics, learning, and it being inspiration !!!!

I even recently changed my Video production logo, which i freaking love, and even used it in a event i covered which was my best work to date, link to video at the end of this post.


 

Oddly the colour scheme for Dan Media was inspiration from Andrew Huang who makes videos on how he makes music,
he has some intros which has 2 colour for the font, much like mine, so i kept it as i really like it.
For Productions, i thought it would be cool to have a writing font which again i think it goes well together.

I did not want the exact same for my photography, but since, my original branding for Dan media was based around Orange i wanted to keep it within the same pattern. while making sure the branding between the 2 was something people would remember.

I was just honestly bored one night and thought i had not changed my branding since starting and wanted to give it a revamp (:

I am just happy that i can do what i love why helping the community out, videos and photography and knowing how to get them out there is so important, i have had my work on news articles, i have had a local newspaper put up my work at a recent event i covered, for not only my video work but my photography as well !!!!
but again this all helping let people know what the businesses are in Lincolnshire, what products they sell but if it helps them sell more products, or even gets people attending there events more then thats what its all about (:

My love for the community of Grantham only made me love the people of Grantham even more over the past few days..

in my last post i mentioned about moving, and the problems occurring about the things i would need, due to where i am being furnished because of it being support housing, and where i was moving to had nothing as it was a new bulid.

My Mate as well as I put posts up asking if people had things they could offer.
I can tell you now i have never had so much plates, pots, pans, and such wonderful things ever in my life before.
I got a overwhelming response from people, and my best friend in the world, helped collect the things and carry them for me.
I got a slow cooker, from one person, that i missed having so much, as when i was with a landlord they had one and i used it to cook, beef and all sorts !!!!!!

Qulits, new pillows, massive lamps, a very nice !!!!! city Canvass, and the list goes on.
showing that grantham people are not only very nice but also very helpful (:

The only thing is i kind of feel bad because, i have been turned down for the property i was supposed to be moving into, my own flat,  even though most stuff i can use at the property i am in now, i just feel bad that people have been so helpful, for no progress to be made in a move.

However, i could be moving soon, so its not all doom and gloom.
the situation was, after me and my support worker sat down and worked everything out, i could afford the place, based on 40 for electric, for a single person, water 20 a month, etc,
all seemed great as i went to view the property and fell in love with it.
Then i got a phone call the next day saying we looked at your outgoings and you cant afford it.
they then rang my support worker, to say that water would be more like 30+ a month, like how for a single person, electric would be more, and that i would have to pay for gas as well.
My support worker was livid by how they had come up with this and although they tried to fight my corner so to speak to get the place, the housing assocation, which is who the property is with, was not having any of it.
so now my support worker, is looking into other opitions, of maybe staying with them for a while longer.

This is sadly the state of Lincolnshire at the moment, i have been at the waiting list for a counil place ever since i moved to Grantham 6 years a go, and there new way of getting people a place, is to push people to a housing assocation, which expect, like a letting company, 4 weeks rent upfront.
yes the rents of the property would be the same as a counil place, but at least the counil do not ask for rent up front.
To make things much worse, in 2019 anyone who is on a 1 bedroom flat rate, which is a lot of people who want there own place, is going to dropped down to the shared housing rate, of 235 a month instead of just over 300 !!!!!

At the moment, in Lincolnshire, homelessness is a huge issue, and there is not enough places within the support housing to house people, so all its going to do is force people even much older people then me who want their independence to live with their parents, or go with a landlord.
going with a landlord is already a hard task, as they want a deposit upfront of a couple of hunderd, its not permanent housing and can often last only 6 months to a year.
at best your lucky to find a place with bills inc for less then 350 a month.
So you might say, it will force people to get a job, yes and no, you think you worked at a company for a few years, they have had to let you go because they are closing, or whatever the reason is, so your out of work, and have to be on job seekers, on the shared housing rate, your pretty much going to be screwed, having, to leave your home just to find cheaper accomation.

I recently went to a lincolnshire meeting, to discuss, the areas that need to be looked at over the next year, Housing and mental health was mentioned the most.
Yet its already, in motition this stupid housing costs drop for 2019 !!!!!!
makes it worse when its already been pushed back a year as it was supposed to be next year when it took affect.
so what is the point of these so called public meetings to help put plans in motion, when they have already decided to make the state of lincolnshire more worse then it is already.
Hospitals, closing, people having to travel over 30 miles, to get help, lack of services for Mental health, people who have learning diffucltes like me and so much more already happening.

In my opinion which this next thing is a disgrace and laughable is who ever plan it is to bring business to Grantham.

In a recent article about plans to bring more businesses in, what a massive funding, for the A1 into Grantham, which connects to many villages,

In this article it mentioned about, having a posh, shopping center, food places, etc.
so let me get this right people coming into Grantham, will shop there and then get into Grantham, and have pretty much in same, in a town that has great businesses yes, but a lot of empty shops,
people are going to get a lovely view of the countryside as they visit the posh shops near the A1 and then get into Grantham and be like oh, ???

would it not be wise to focus the funds, on fixing up the town, first, fixing, the pot holes, but also not creating more housing, when Grantham does not at this time have the services like the A & E to help the exisiting people that already live here ????

SKDC in my own opinion, has the funding to make the town better, and in some areas it has helped but i just think the funds are not being placed in the right areas.

you have businesses in Grantham, that come and go after 6 months because the cost of renting the Buliding, is far to high, prime example is the Morrsions center we have, a place that used to be a sports shop has been closed for over 4 years, nothing new since, a bag shop, which was also in newark, closed i think a year a go, nothing since, 2 book shops, came and went within 6 months.

All this just sums up what a amazing place Grantham could be, if things was to change.
this is why even if it makes just a little difference i try to help the only way i know how to.
this is why i have been supporting the marches going off as well to get back our Hospital, but to also support, the other closures happening around Lincolnshire, the things going off with the NHS Cuts, i mainly got invovled because it impacts me with getting help with my mental health and other things in life, and since then, noticed the much bigger picture and how many services around the country are being affected right now.
I might seem like a Grandad, a moaner, a droner, at such a young age, but i would say its knowledge and understanding of what is going off in the world, which i think Young people do need to start to realise this, the day of sitting around gaming, expecting your parents to pay for nearly everything in life is over, as young people when they do leave home, will very much struggle, and can lead to be homeless, with everything that is happending right now.

its bad when myself is struggling to keep hold off a place, and you walk through town and you see people in sleeping bags, day is day out, why because there is not the housing and services to help these people.
I have explained before how rubbish the services are in my own experience and issues.
That you have to wait months to get the help and when you have got it your tossed aside 3 months later like your nothing, like your supposed to be magically cured !!!!!!

The doctors answer to this is to tell you to go through the mental health services, put you on meds, tell you that you just have to deal with it and get over it !!!!!!!!! ):

When looking online at the housing rates i was just like how do they even work that out,
In peterbrough, the rent for sharing housing and a 1 bedroom flat rate is a lot higher, i think either matching nottingham or even higher, now yes the cost of renting might be higher but still, its a big difference.
Daniel if its that high why dont you move there???

Community sums up my life, and is my answer, (:
I was born in nottingham, you learn fast its also run down in so many areas outside of the city center, with poor housing, drugs, killings, etc.
if you want to see countryside or go to the shops you want its a bus journey everywhere which is not cheap.
The support housing is worse in Nottingham then it is in Grantham,
and to me with it being so busy all the time, there is no a real sense of a community.
you often find that within villages or small towns, there is that community, because people help us other, businesses help each other and so on.
the entire time i lived in Nottingham i was never happy, i never had friends, i had landlords who would scam you, and i hated it.

I now have friends, i have a best friend, i have people when i walk into town i talk to, and i have bulit up that community around me, so that is why i stay, i may not have the services i need but i love it here.

which leads me onto where i see my life, over the next 5-10 years.

As you know from my other posts my Depression, aniexty and other issues impact my life on a day to day basis.

People seem to think, that if i can write blog posts, do sport, photography etc that there is nothing wrong with me.
Looking back to the start of 2016, i had no goals, i did not have many outgoings, i spent nearly everyday inside my room, crying, spiralling out of control.
I hardly eat, slept, etc, Every job i had i lost, because i either fell ill a lot, i was struggling to remeber things, my coordination skills were rubbish because i knew what i was doing but my hands did not want to do the same thing.

Even when i had a girlfriend and was really happy, i still struggled in life, and back then i didnt have the friends i have now.

I slowly started to try and Bulid my life up, Tennis being the first thing, which lead, to going to the gym to get stronger, which lead to learning about photography, networking, lots and lots of learning, while at the same time getting no where with the mental health support, and having the hanging issue i still have of beening in permeant housing.

Everything i did leading up to where i am today, was a small step out of comfort zone was a small step, to be social with people was a small step to, help with my depression, and get me out of the house.

What you see of me, and hear of me is what i allowed you to, what you dont see is how extremely difficult it is to cope and to do even the things i love doing.

Most days, are spent crying, over thinking, avoiding talking to people,  being over aware of who is next to me and around me, having to leave events early because i cant cope with the amount of people, etc.

Days of being in pain, due to getting upset and struggling to move just to cook food.
having to do so much physical activites, because i hate being in the house because that is where i feel depressed the most, and then the circle of being depressed again because my body hurts, because i have had to push through the already pain, to be able to enjoy myself, which means i try to hard and my body suffers for it, having to always do physically activity even if i am shattered because it just craves it more and more.
Days where my most happy places, do not snap me out of what ever i am going through, and the only way to get over it, is to let it happen, and hope the next day is better !!!!!

So when people say why arent you working, its simple because i am scared to.
I am scared that, my mental state will affect me most days,  if i struggle just to get out to do the things i love, and days where i have things to do, and cant even do them how am i going to cope.
I am going to be honest with you all, I remember a few days not because of being lazy but because i could not physically and mentally do it, that when i was working there would be days where i had to have off because i could not cope.

I dont want to have to go through the trouble of setting myself up to fail, knowing i struggle so much at the moment,
if i lost my job it would then impact my depression, it would get me streessed having to wait weeks to get a rapid re claim back on to job seekers, and all the crap that goes with it and phone calls, of exuse after exuse of, oh its all fine one end but not the next, oh you havent filled this form in and sent it to us even though i am seeing on a screen in the Grantham jobcentre, but somehow its not on the nottingham benfits system, which is where all the paperwork gets sorted, bla .bla etc.

This is my doomed circle of life, that everyday impact my mental well being.
which then means i seem like this over depressed stay away freak to most people which the truth,
and is how most people view people with how society puts it mental health.

When in overall respect if i had the support needed, it would not cure me no but it would make my day to day life so much easier and less depressing.

As much as i try to bulid my life up, its never enough, I am not a confident person, my social skills have gotten way worse over the past 5 years.
yes i have friends, yes i have a community, yes i do this and that, because of what i am passionte about,  put me in a room, a event, getting to know people, etc on a social site, not a business meeting event, or networking and i am like 2 different people.
over the past year i have not been able to even close, bring out my business me into the real world.
most of what i do, and most of the convos i have with my friends, are online, again that is what happends, when you sit at a computer most of the day !!!!

My life just stops me from being able to make a better life for myself, I have missed on so much because its like having a debate all the time in my head, oh make friends, go to this gig, do photography do this and that, and then its on its getting to busy, oh i am to focused on what i am doing, to talk to people etc.

Its gets that bad that no wonder, i can not even start to try and find someone to be with because i rely on my computer to do the talking.
when i met my last Girlfriend, ok we was both shy, like most people are when you start meeting and getting to know each other, but after a few weeks i was fine, and somehow depsite having a much worser life at the time, with things kicking off with parents, i some how felt more confidnt back then, just being able to be myself.
could it have been the location, my age, or just simply we got on??
who knows, sometimes i think, which again i do to much off, with my mental health being the way it is, would i ever find someone because of maybe them not wanting to be with someone who gets depressed etc??

Sometimes i just wish that i could switch off so many off my thoughts and just live life a bit better without no worries, no problems in life.

I have talked about tennis a lot in these posts and in my life because it is my happy place, and its where i feel the more confindent,
That said, the more i learn about tennis, and the harder i train i am starting to struggle and get frusated, not because of not enjoying it, or even because i cant play, but because my body does not listen to me.

I have been told i have a super awesome serve when they go in, but the percent of them going in is very poor but i am not throwing the ball high enough.
I have been told i let the ball domiant me, and i back off a lot to hit it, being sometimes i am left with be bunching up and not being able to hit it right, even though i back off, i still manage to play good.
But i could play even better if i learned to attack the ball more.
I realised the only thing that is must be why i have problems with my serves and my game is the signals getting to my brain.
I have always had poor coordination skills I Remeber when playing racing games, when i lived with my parents and my dad watching, and not being supportive instead shouting because i would crash a lot because even though i saw the traffic in front of me and knew what i needed to do, the time it took my brain to send the message to my hands, was to slow.
this is what i think happends to me in tennis, we all have that issue but to me, it seems to happen a lot.
i have exellecent, postioning skills, i even have great cordination skills when it comes to watching where the ball is going, and yet when it come to play a shot, 80 percent of the shots are different to what i wanted to play.
Again the circle of life, this then makes me frusated, makes me feel crap about myself etc.
I never give up trying though, i keep pushing to get better, even if it hurts because i want to do well in life, or at least do well in the things i love doing.
When i am not depressed, i have a ridiculous amount of drive, motivation, its how i am able to go faster and faster at running, to keep doing photography, etc.
But like i said overall i struggle a lot, which i do not think a lot of people can admit to themselfs,
either they dont want their proud to get hurt, let people know they struggle or dont want people having to look after them.
Me i see no shame in who i am, i am embrace my problems, i let people into my live to understand, and i now let people help, where before i refused it.

So just think when you see someone being very happy, and they seem to be having a great life, does not mean they are happy.
one day or some days, we all face issues in life, that we need support from family, and friends, there is no shame in letting someone know you need the help, at the end of the day, you can not get better, if people do not know !!!! (:

I just have to keep trying to force myself out of my comfort zone which i am going to this weekend, by going to see live gigs again, and maybe take some photography, i want to start to try and live life the best i can, and what i want to see in my life in the next 10 years, is to have got the help i needed, and to be happy, not living life as a circle but full of wonderful adventures, which is why i started this blog account in the first place to log my adventures in life (:
Right i am not exhausted and i am sure you are after reading this long opening post.
I try with these posts to get as much as i can out, always something else i could add to but then i might as well write a whole book lol

thank you for reading, thank you for understanding and thank you Grantham for showing your support (:

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  https://twitter.com/DanMediaP

https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC

https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/

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A circle of Life 1 step forward, & 2 back, Plus Media Career | Daniel Marshall Adventures

This post is going to be split into 2 sections, which will reflect on each other, a section focusing on my life, and a section, on what is next for media Career (:

I have mentioned in a lot of blog posts about mental health, which i will be touching up a little in this post.
Over the past year a lot has changed in my life, and every month i started to accept who i am, my strengths, weakness, things wrong with me etc.
Every month, i learned to be more open about these problems to people, and this year i have been the most open i have ever been.
I am doing something not a lot of people can do because of how it impacts their social standards, or even impacting who they network with, or who even sees what they say online.
I put things in these posts knowing it links with my media life, the people i help in my local community, because i am one person, and my social standard does not bother me, in fact i have fount the more open i have been, it is not affected networking with people.
they understand me, they take the time, to know what i go through but also how confident of a person i can be and what creative skills i have to help them out.

The last year has been a very hard battle, with not being able to get help from the mental health services, to not beening able to get help with my learning difficulties to even getting permanent housing sorted.

at the start of 2016 i had broke up with girlfriend, due to a lot of things that were my own fault, and i realized i was not happy with the person i was, after suffering, 18 years of my dad being verbal and physically abusive to my mum, i managed to move away from it,  this cause the depression i have today, with the anxiety and learning diffcults i have because my parents did not have the patience to help me learn, instead all i ever got was shouted out.
this can have a big impact on your brain, when you think your safe and fixed you do not realize your own actions.
it has such a psychological impact on the way you act, even if your happy with your life at the time.
every relationship, has arguments and fights at some point, but having my past experience in my brain meant that, often i did come across, as possibly verbal abusive.
did not help that we both liked to win as such, and even though i loved with my last girlfriend to bits, we did fight a lot over such stupid things.
the first year was the worst as i was not at all used to spending time with someone, as up till i was 18 most of my life was spent in my bedroom, pushing away the pain, and shouting and much more going off.
I never got help, while i was with my girlfriend, so after the break up, i knew a lot of things needed to change in my life.
a period where i needed the help i could not get it till it was to late.
since then its been a year and half of self discovery, of changing the person i was, learning about the world, helping people who suffer with the same problems, helping the community, making friends something i never had, becoming stronger, faster, fitter, just getting my head down, and working hard to make a difference in my life.
A lot of people look down on mental health, and a lot of the things i have to deal with on a day to day basis,  accumulate to my overall wellbeing.

Things like, not being able to tie laces, not being able to cook, due to knowing how to but my hands to different to what i want to do.
loving writing, but having poor spelling and Grammer.
days where i am happy then all of a sudden without thinking of anything bad, i feel upset, i feel weak, my body then goes weak, and hits a hell of a lot just to even go down some stairs to cook food, or to even tidy my room.
Days where playing sport, doing photography, making videos, or anything just does not make me happy, and nothing i do snaps me out of how i feel, i just have to put up with it, and hope the next day is better.

over the last year and a half, i have been through support housing, which is only temp accommodation for 6 months, you then either move onto their move on flat for 2 years, go to a shared house, or go homeless !!!!
just over 6 months after being with the housing team, i had to find a shared house, which many days ended up with me crying or being frustrated as time was getting closer and closer and i could not find a place.
In the end i had to fund the deposit, from my business loan i got to set up my business, which meant i had less money to spend on equipment.

The first month while i was in the shared place,was great, it was a wonderful place to me it felt luxury !!!

Sadly my depression kicked back super bad and from there it got worse and worse, often my room not getting tidy, and being told off for it, i was told if it was not going to get better that they would have to let me go.
often i did tidy up, but fount myself getting in a circle, due to my depression, keeping in my room most of the time.
around this time i did start tennis but it was only once a week, so other then that and going to gym, most of my time was spent in my room.

when i was with my girlfriend, i always washed up, made the place look nice, but for some reason, that motivation had just gone, i knew i was in the best place in the world and what did i decide to do but let it get underneath me.
The landlords were the best people in the world, i often had good chats with them, heck we all even went out for a few drinks, they were that sort of people that, wanting you to feel accepted there.
But because it was nice place of course i dont blame them for wanting people to respect the place.
i would be the same if i was letting someone rent my place for example (:

After this i fell back with support housing which is where i am today.
and i find myself in the same circle i was in last year !!!!
Problem is because i do not work, on Job seekers, its been a tough year, just to be able to enjoy a day out, or even have a game of pool with people, because of the lack of money.
I pay for gym, tennis, phone, broadband, kind of broadband, princess trust loan, which is a 2 year pay back, editing software to do my photography and videos,  food, rent, once you added how much i pay for everything i am left with 20-25 a month to spend with, to go on having a game of pool etc.

If being part of a running club i struggle, even though the membership for it is paid yearly, which is only 24 pounds, there are events that go off, around lincolnshire and nottingham that i would love to go, but cant afford because if i did that one thing, i would not be able to do anything else in that month.

which for me i hate being in the house, ok some days its great to able to watch some shows, but that is where my depression hits the most.
Its why i play tennis so much because it makes me happy (:

so when it comes to money i struggle, i also struggle to work, every job i have had ive lost.
struggling, trying my hardest but never being able to cope, i dont cope at all in the heat, anything over 20 makes me feel ill, to the point i do nothing all do but watch tv, and even that i struggle with, i cant move,
what worries me is because my mood depsite trying so hard to keep my mind busy, is so all over the place, i dont have the drive or moatvaition to even do the things i love like tennis, photography etc.
which means they will be a lot of days where i cant even move to go to work, even if it is for money, my brain and body shut down.
there are days where i had to force myself through a lot of pain, to go out and play tennis because its what i love and i know i cant sit in all day, and sometimes i come back, feeling upset and worse for going because i have not been able to play, my legs have not been able to move like on some days where i can play great.

so if i cant even do what i love most days, what on earth would it be like working, i would struggle more which then would end up losing  job, getting stresssed and worried having to re apply for jobseekers, and then the circle of life starts again !!!!

Even starting up my own business, made me depressed, in fact it sent it into overdrive, and for months i hated making videos so i didnt.

so now i have a situation that is one forward and 2 back.
the council put me forward, onto a housing association there new way of dealing with people on the waiting list for a place !!!! ):

Its my own permanent flat, i have to pay for water, and electric, which is fine to me, ok i will have fork out a extra 15 a month to what i am paying now but for my own place thats the cost.
Until you learn the extra costs, !!!!!!

they want 313 pounds upfront for the rent, so much like renting agencies, but without the fees.
which i cant afford, so i have had to put in a form, asking for it.
this scheme to get the money you have to pay back per week, which is around 5-10 pounds a week, which i can not afford due to all the bills i already have.
on top of that, most of what i own belongs to the support housing i am in.
so things like fridge, freezer, washer, even a bed and more i would need to buy which again i have no money for that.
i have been told, there are compaines out there that for 20 pound you can pick 4 items etc.
which is only a small fix and would cost me.
so at the moment i have all this worries on my mind, which has been  making me stressed and very worried.
I have never had a place by myself, if i struggle to cope in support housing how am i going to cope in my own place !!!!!!!!!

On the plus side its my own place, i can have friend over, not that it would have a tv to keep them entertained or anything for them to sit down on.
overall my mental health has in some what come along way since the break up with my ex but in other ways its still just as bad.

Even if i took the flat with the housing support and not this company, it would be exaulty the same just minus the upfront rent and it would only be for 2 years !!!!!

Its a circle that, i honestly have no idea what i suffer with, because i can not get a proper assesment to have it on paper, which then impacts on getting other help.
in this day and age everything needs to be proved, you cant get access or funding from one support unless you have prove that you have sed thing wrong with you.
and in Lincolnshire its impossible to get that.
I dont expect everything to be handed to me, i have worked so hard in the last year to try and keep my self to myself, i worked hard to push through my problems but to also help my community as well.
just sometimes you need that help, you need to be open about what is wrong, in order to sometimes get the help you have been looking for.
and sometimes you honestly just think what is the point trying, there are lots of times i have given up, spent days crying, and seeing no point to life, then i bounce back stronger then ever, but then it just keep going in a never ending dam loop !!!!

so i have explained about my life so how does this affect my media life.

Last year the thing i aimed to do was to work with businesses, creating videos, professional creative videos, from tours of their shops, to interviews etc

when i first started i had no internet so everything i had to learn about it, i had to use public WiFi, sometimes even costing money like a drink just to use it.
i would download youtube videos on the topics and then watch them over and over, to make the videos.
i loved making videos, but often it was tedious, it was stressful, a lot of times stuff would not work or it was not how i visioned it in my brain.

I had to deal with not only making the videos, but how i would get clients, my books, invoices, the lit goes on.
the more time i spent on the business the more it made me feel worse.
at this point i was also learning photography and found that i was enjoying this a lot more.
i use this to my advantage, spent less time on videos and more on photography, i managed to connect with people this way and even help my local community.

I tried to get back into videos this year, even covering gigs but again after looking at the results and time spent on photography to compared to videos, i fount that my photography was doing way better.

I also saw a trend that covering events video wise rather then doing a business video, had much better results and i could be more creative with the video without needing to learn complex editing skills.

The difference between editing for pleasure and editing for a event is so much different.
its all time based, which makes you have to work very hard to do only do a great job but to also have it ready within a day to get maximum coverage.

some events i covered i would be there for 6+ hours, then i would have to sit through and edit it, and it made for a very long day/ days, i was always happy with the result but at the same time it would make me a little unhappy because it put so much stress on me.

which made it worse when the days hit where i would do nothing all day, knowing i have such important thing to do and just having no get up and go.

So i have had to make a very important decision one that has upset me but one that has to be done,
Unless its a very important event, i have decided to stop making videos.
there are so many companies and video producers now in Lincolnshire, its getting harder to compete with them, mainly because they have a team, but not only that i just cant seem to get the ideas from my head into the projects.
I had this huge project i wanted to have on the go, making a video for the tennis club i go to.
the process was to get a cool intro welcoming to the club, get talks with a lot of the staff, coaches, get shots of all ages playing tennis, making those shots slow motion, adding lots of graphics and making it look awesome.
Again what you have in your head to what you can create is very challenging, a project i started i never finished because it just would not happen the way i wanted it to in the program ):

so i realized instead of wasting time trying to create something i cant, i need to focus on what i enjoy but also what people are liking.
I have to admit, the video industry it what i set out to be in, i never knew that looking photography and using it to help people could lead to things, and be better then my videos.
Not only that but combinding photography, and blogging about it was working as well (:
there are a lot of bloggers out there that do not see results, or never have connections with people other then online.
what i have managed to create is my love for photography and helping people, that then i have managed to network with, and bulid a community around me who then read, like and share.
my viewers are not random people from the net, who only know a bit about my life, my views are the people i talk to and see in real life !!!!
I may not have my business i wanted, but in life you make lots of decisions some bad some very bad, you make enemies and you make bloody good friends.
which then make really good times and memories.
this year has been the hardest and no doubt will only get harder but i am almost happy with my life as it is now, because i have awesome friends who understand me, and i have a awesome community of people that i look up to and want to help.

The problem i have had is i am a explorer and creator, i like to try lots of different things, mostly in the creative sector, what can i say my brain thinks to much, hence why this incredible long blog post !!!!!
But it is who i am, i have tried to understand who i am and to be honest i come up blank everytime,
all i know is my photography is what is helping people and my blogs, so that is what i shall keep doing (:

some people may call me lazy, some people may say i dont have issues, some people may say that i am stupid, my past may tell people to stay away from me.
all i can say is, as the saying goes dont judge a book by its cover,
unless your sat face to face talking to me to understand my life, you can not go by what other say, you can not look down on me, when you know nothing about me (:
I use to be a coward, letting people put me down all the time, afarid to speak my mind, but now i stand up, and i face it head on, life has taught me to try and be strong and that is what i have done.
I may not have a lot of things like most people do, but as long as i can play tennis, take photos and do what i love then i am happy,  i dont need wealth when i have a community !!!!!!

Thank you for reading, i know i moaned a lot about my life but i just wanted people to know that i may seem to be here there and everywhere doing a lot of things, looking happy, but a lot goes off in my life that i have to battle with, so i leave you with some advice.
try to understand that person before you decide weather you want to help or not speak to them.
if you know someone who is telling you to stay away from that person, do not listen, again instead, listen to them, get both sides and make your decision then.
most of all, do not let society tell you how to dress, how you should look, act etc you are you, if people do not like you then that is there issue, i find a lot of people try to be part of trends to fit in, they change who they are because they do not have friends, and want some.
the greatest fear is being alone but its through being alone, you learn to cope, that may seem stupid at first but its the truth, if you really get your head down and foucs on what you love doing, you will then find the right friends, you will then find people take instrest in what you do, and then you will have a great life (:

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/

  https://twitter.com/DanMediaP

https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC

https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/

http://dmpuk.weebly.com/