The Month that has shocked me the most in my life | Looking back at January 2018 !!! | Daniel Marshall Adventures

I made the Decision only a few weeks into January that i wanted to change the way i write what is on my mind.
Instead of just writing a long post about a topic when i felt like it, i came up with the idea of setting myself a goal each month to talk about how a month has gone.

This month has had a few ups and downs but its the best month across the years, and when i say its not really been that eventful to compared to other months in my life you will know why its been the best !!!! (:

Now although this post is about January i wanted to inc a magical experience at the end of December 2017

I had decided That although i loved Photography, it had been acting as a shield to defend my anxiety, a way i could go to events and be around a lot of people and cope a bit better.
However that only made me not feel safe or happy whenever i decided to go without the use of my camera, it made dealing with people even harder. So i decided to put photography to one side for the time being.
On the 30th December was an experience like living a dream, and when i look back i wish it never ended !!!

I went to see CJ Hatt a musician I have seen so many times now and can never get enough of listening to him live, he brings humor, a talkative and killer list of songs to perform to every gig he goes to.

The place was Castlegate In Grantham, and with it being a few days before the new year i expected the place to be really busy, instead it still had a lot of people but the right kind that made my night special.

I went without my bag, without my camera and just experienced his pure talent, being relaxed and having a blast.
Now when i say i kind of danced even though i can not at all !!! it pushed my safe zone so much but was glad that so many people understood and tried to just make me come out of my comfort zone.

CJ started to play a frozen song that he nailed which was requested by one of the viewers,
every song he played and sung was him playing at his best.
The mood of the place was amazing, everyone dancing and enjoying the end of 2017.
I was offered to dance so many times that in the end i was given no choice haha,
Although i was so anixous, shy and just well over thinking everything, it was a experience that i have always wanted, just to be able to be me, and join in with everyone.
I admit seeing everyone else always have fun no matter how much you try to look on the bright side always makes you feel a little sad.
Sad that you are not Joining in, and to not only feel more free dancing but to just let my hair down and sing along to the songs to.

I had never been surround by so many people that believed in the person i can be and just really opened my eyes on what i had been missing because i either took my camera or did not turn up because i knew i would not feel right (:

 
Fitness never stops even on the first day of 2018 !!! It had been so cold Throughout December but i never gave up going to the gym and playing tennis.
I do not know what came over me but i just felt like starting the year with my first outside run in many months.
So I put on My Myzone belt, Started from Grantham college, and worked out a route i wanted to take, and just kept it steady, making sure not to over do it since i was not used to running in the cold.
My idea was that i wanted to slowly get back into outdoor running to train myself to be able to run again at park runs.

I have used the belt while working out at the gym, and playing tennis but never when on a run, so i was shocked and happy to see my stats when i got back, to see that my peak heart rate was high when i was not even pushing at my best (:

Sadly i had a feel down days after that due to coming down with a bad illness and it being 2 years since i split up with my ex, I mentioned her a fair bit in my blogs so i wont say anymore (:

Despite that small set back, i powered through my illness still being me, still enjoying life and being happy with tennis and gym.

In Fact The start of 2018 has been very cold, but i have also surprised myself as normally i can not take the cold, i also bury myself in bed and get bad headaches from the cold.

So as well as being able to power the cold, i was breaking my own fitness records at the gym classes.
I was able to put even more effort in, still be me, still have fun and be very competitive.
I was proud of myself because i maintained a high average effort, a high average heart rate and even though i was coughing and felt like collapsing i pushed myself to get a high heart rate as well (:

I think the key to my fitness and success is that i do try for someone, i do not try to impress people, I just bring me to everything i do, my personality, and of course i would not have the same push and be happy without the people i have surrounded myself with.
When i am in the classes, yes i am battling to win the class but i am surrounded by awesome music, awesome motivation by the staff, and the awesome people in the classes !!!!

Its the same at tennis and that is why this whole month has been some of my best tennis matches, some of best playing, and why tennis this month has been the most fun.
As soon as i stopped worrying so much with what i could not do and what things i really kept trying to do over and over, getting really stressed and failing, I became more happy.

In a way i take Physical Strength very serious, its helped me no end to not only get stronger, which has helped me played amazing shots and run for balls i never thought i would get, to helping my mind with my mental health.

In a way its not me being Negative i guess but the gym and Tennis is all i have in my life.
Yes i have photography but that is something i have had to have a long think over.

I can not Believe i am writing this but expect for taking pics of my muscles and myself, I have not taken any Photography in over a month.
I have not even gone for any walks like i normally used to do 1-2 times a week.
I simply just focused on the love of tennis, and getting stronger at the gym, filling my life, with the people in my life and just living in the moment rather then having to capture it.

I love photography, and i love seeing what people capture, but it no longer takes over my life as must as it used to.
Its good sometimes to have a break from something as you get to gather information and then almost start from the beginning looking what works and what does not.

For example, I knew from day one from experience Prior Before buying the same Camera i have used in the past that its not good in low light and not got a great zoom, in the best mode to capture photography which is the Raw Format.
I know from looking back at my work that night photography is not capable with my camera, and that indoor photography with low lighting again will not take great pictures.

So I use this Information to form a plan on what i should work on, Which is mostly Outdoor events as my skill is taking pictures of people.
I know my Camera can be great in black and white for photography of live music with poor lighting, or lighting that has a lot of different colours going off.
If i shoot in anything other then Raw yes i may get the very slim chance of a unique shot, and yes i can zoom further but when it comes to Editing where my other skill comes into play, i dont have near enough tools at my disposal.

So my camera may have a lot of flaws but it also has a very Uniqueness when it comes to Using Photoshop to edit them !!!

Then there is my Video Production side, I gave up the idea ages a go of even trying to spend so many hours, of learning trying to turn my videos into Professional content.

I do not have the top of the range computers, so if i am doing a big project, it will often crash, go slow and then there is having to use public WiFi of the cost of a drink in order to upload the Video.
I have a portable wifi Device due to Living in Temp Housing and arent allowed to have The likes of Virgin etc Installed even though it would save trips and money  to places with decent wifi.

If i was being paid for my work it would not be so bad but i do this with my own time and money.
Why???? Well its simple my video quality will never be that high enough for money to be made.
I wouldnt want it any other way, Its to stressful i have been there and done that.
For me I may only make say 5 videos a year but i do them to help the local community that in it self its my reward, I admit sometimes it gets stressful as i want to do a good job but overall i enjoy seeing the finished product and seeing the comments and shares.

Again its Balancing your life, Trying to compete with other local video Production companies but to much stress to the point i lose interest in the whole Production side.
To some my life may not be much but i have had to get up everyday and force myself just to be where i am now.
If my physical health was took away from me and my photography, i would be where i was 2 years a go, in pieces, getting stressed, upset for hours everyday, and simply not wanting to live.

I may post a lot on my Facebook how happy a session has gone and how my physical health has improved so much, again its all i have and i strive to always push my limits, to better, achieve at what i know i can do.

Only the other day I sat and laughed and thought in a way i have always been really good at things that have a competitive and adrenaline edge to them.

I haven't done Gaming in over 2 years but when i was gaming i used to do it 4+ hours a day,
The games i was really good at was racing, i spent so much of my life clued to it.
Going online on my fav game Driveclub, and Competing in Timed events, doing lap after lap trying to get into the top 100 haha.

When i finished school, i picked up golf very quickly and was good at it, I used to do Badminton and was extremely good at it, see the pattern yet haha.

If i am given a target, i excel and i think that is why i win classes at the gym and why I am able to be so happy, because i am getting that Pure craved Adrenaline rush.
When i am in that nothing else matters, no bills no having to worry about my future etc just me having the time of my life.

I came away from having a lot of things in my life, to barley having anything it took time but because the one thing which was gaming that used to take so much of time up had gone i was forced to find something else i could pour my heart into.

Yes i do miss gaming, but i would rather be outside using that same drive into tennis, i would rather get stronger then be a couch patio (:

Just because i seem to be happy a lot does not always mean i am, i have started to try and post less negative things on social media mainly because my life as a whole is much better then it used to be.

By doing that though just make you think that i am happy all the time, and this month i have had a few small wobbles Depression and aniexty are still there and will always be there.

I think one of the most common used words that is used to motivate someone but sometimes no many how many times its said and by how many people does not mean it works for everyone.
That word being come out of your comfort zone !!!!

For me, i have this battle most days and most of the time its autally in my happy places.
So for example the classes, i have mentioned this before in a blog which is the watt bike classes.
Yes i am in a room with people, but the bikes are facing at a screen and so are you, watching every second as your percent goes up and down making sure your in the right zone.
You have not got time to worry about others in the room because of that rush you are getting.

Many times i have been asked to join in classes like boxing, circuits and others but i do fear i will never have the courage to do them.

This is because of 2 big reasons, one is the fact is often takes someone showing me over and over in order to do something because of my Dysprixa, this will then take a lot of time from others in the class as well as feeling stupid in front of others because i can not the simple workouts.

I still have to have my friend at the gym, helped with getting my arms and body in the right postitions for some workouts, and even after being shown, i get so frustrated, i do not show it but at times i just feel like punching the wall or going home as i know how to do the silly workout but my body wont listen.
This is some kind of good that comes from that as i use that anger to channel my strength in order to lift and do higher weights then i would think possible, again its that aderlaine  rush.

Combine looking like a idiot with not being comfty around people does not make a good mix.
Then it becomes annoying because it looks like i am always avoiding people or there seems something quite not right with me.

That is why I celebrate a lot when i do achieve something that others may do quicker or a lot better as it took me a while to get there and of course i am then happy i have done said thing.

From learning about myself is again that pure drive, Ok by the end of playing tennis or the gym class i am shattered beyond belief, its not because i have no stamina, its because i put everything into it.
at tennis even if the shortest shot has been played, i will run like there is no tomorrow and pull of some out of this world shots.
I could be losing in a match, my opponent making me run for every ball, sweating, aching but i will not give up and again am able to pull off shots out of no where, feet hurting about to give in and still have that drive to keep pushing.

At the gym is the same for the classes last few mins of the class, feet hurting, I know if i back off i end up losing to someone else after doing so well, so i push through that pain barrier in order to find an extra charged battery and go even faster then i had throughout the session.
I may end up most of the time hurting myself but that is me i am a fighter and the only way to break records is to always push your limits.

That is why a wonderful person last year posted this at the park run !!!
it was i think only my 3rd parkrun it got to last bend and in all honestly i was in massive pain.
I had already stopped for a few seconds 3-4 times across the event, but i saw someone i knew that i wanted to finish in front of them, and is was like Turbo just kicked in, from out of no where i rushed past so many people to the finish line, like that was i was done out of it, one turn back and yet I managed to kick it into overdrive !!!

It really is amazing how far you can push your body, Most of the fight is always in your brain its your brain that tells you, you are in pain, and ok sometimes is best not to push but if you always listened to your brain you would never get anywhere !!!!

Doing anything physical does not fix your issues but it does make you more happier it does make you have a better outlook in life.

Is has been hard to try and do new things in my life but i have so many barriers stopping me,
I have never been a social person, even though that is what i crave so much,

Even though i have friends and even though i know a lot of people at the gym and tennis, i am so caught up having fun doing what i am doing that being social kind of goes out of the window.

I do not seem to have that capable switch in order for myself to force my social side out, no matter how much i try, the most i seem to be able to do is say hello, how are you, or if a talking point is made after that i go quiet, and then act awkward.

I still keep trying, for me even if i am not talking much just being around people and listening to what they have to say makes me happy at least it keeps my brain from thinking bad things.

That it why i was so happy months a go to find the Magic Cottage In Grantham, to be able to go there laid back social meets once a month, and just be around amazing people.
I was so happy for the owner to say at the last social only last week that they were expanding after only a year of opening as a business (:

For me its good to not only be able to help a business with my photography but be a part of the growing of the businesses.
Networking is a power tool, and it has helped me a little with being social.
My happiness comes from seeing others happy, from seeing businesses grow and that then turns into inspiration to try/ improve my own skills.

Its odd because when i look back at the start of 2017 It may have had a lot more things going off then the start of this year, due to starting new things, and coming out of my shell more.
However the start of this year has been my most happiest and less busy month.
I think what has surprised me the most has been my will power through the cold, to be able to play tennis at 2 degrees and play my best game after game, to compared to last year where the cold just was making me ill.

I did have a small scare a week back when i started to get what i thought and others thought other then the doctors a migraine.
I suffer when its cold anyway and always get headaches, but last week the pain was in one place at the top of my head, i could feel my heart beating through it and every time it pounded it hurt so much that i was in total pain.
It got that bad that i do not normally give up on things it takes a lot but coming back from playing tennis it felt like i was about to pass out, i got home, crawled into bed and went to sleep.
Only after a hour of trying to sleep did it stop and with help from taking tablets i had over from recovering from my illness i had weeks before.

The next day it hurt really bad again so i went to the doctors and said it was not a migraine but just could be sinuses from my illness just gone.
for about 5 days now its not bothered me so i am hoping he was right and it does not come back as i never had headaches that bad in my life.

So overall this month may not have been anything special but at least my depression has not been bad.

Its taken time to get the right sort of people in my life, who listen, who understand and can see potential in me.

No matter where you live even in a great place like Grantham you will always get those who judge you on your past, how you look etc.

I will not mention names but i have had to deal with a few people this month who did look down on me because of my looks, who did look down on me because of my past, and people who tell people to stay away from me.

Its sad really that these people have the time to waste their own lives, they get off on hurting people and trying to make that person not have friends, when in reality they are just wasting their time.
Maybe at the start of 2016 it would have hurt me but now i have great friends, and yes i might want to expand on the people i have in my life and meet new people.
For now though i am happy with who i have in my life, i would rather have a small group of people then have idiots who just want to bring you down (:

So to bring this blog to a end, on the 3th February I get to go to London again as i did last march to march with lots of people to save our NHS !!!!

Its going to be a very long day and a long week, as we will be leaving just after 7 which means i need to be up just before 6am, we wont be back in Grantham, till around 7pm.
I then need to quickly sort through my photography and get at least a few good pictures up from the day to get them out there.
I then throughout the week need to spend time editing the rest which i expect over 100.
If that was not enough, i need to sit through tons of video footage and put Together a video of the day and then once that is all done, do social media marketing, and put a blog post up about the event !!!!
phew ....

Its hard work but its what i love and even if it helps one person i am happy (:
So there you go that has been my month, i do not know what February will bring, but i hope the weather gets warmer and i hope for good things (:
Thanks for Reading





 

Seeing Live music Again-The House Of Ghosts Grantham 2-12-17

In this Blog post I will explain why I decided to see Live music again, and why seeing The House of Ghosts was even more special then the first time seeing them ages ago in Grantham (:

The past couple of weeks i have had a very deep thought about my life and where i would like it to go. I had decided that i no longer wanted to do Video Production, and that i was also having thoughts of dropping photography as well and here is why !!!

For me in 2016 Photography was the main reason why i managed to get out of the house, it was a distraction away from my mental health, and over the course of learning it lead to something i never thought would happen.
This was using my skills to connect with the community, to take photography, capturing things at local events, and meeting really amazing people.
My camera was a way to hide myself in a way and allowed me to be a more confident person.
At the start of this year, I started going to see Live music In Grantham, The first time i went i did not take my camera and i could not take it.
Since then every-time I could to see artists and bands i do my part by Taking photography of these events and helping spread the word of the amazing talent that either is in Grantham, or has come to Grantham to play.
However My life became some what of a loop that over the past few months i have felt my confidence shrink and that taking photography was something i was not enjoying doing.
I believe everything happens for a reason, so with that in Mind I knew The house of Ghosts were playing again and i wanted to see them, from enjoying the experience last time.
I had decided to not take my camera, not even bring a bag, both of which have been constant distractions, as i have had to stand for hours watching people perform so i could keep moving around taking photos.

For anyone who does not know who The House of Ghosts are here is a
small summary (:

The House of Ghosts are a female fronted original four piece ethereal rock band from the Midlands. They formed back in the summer of 2015 and have gigged around the local scene gathering ghosts along the way. They have an intoxicating rich rock sound with ethereal meandering melody. The wide ranging, enticing vocals from Gina Stone and big riffs from guitarist Leigh Edwards prove to be a fabulously powerful combination. Plus from November 2017 there will be fresh new blood in the rhythm section Danny Krash on drums and Dan Foster on bass giving the ghosts a new dimension.

Their first EP 'Curious Attraction', released last year, has had a fantastic response. Reviews appearing in rock magazines and websites including Power Play Rock and Metal Magazine, Sea of Tranquility (Progressive Rock) Website and Woody's Rock Reviews. They were invited by BBC Lincolnshire Introducing to play a live session in June 2017 which included a cover of Black Velvet and various tracks from Curious Attraction. Also plenty of airplay from local radio stations including BBC Introducing Nottingham, TBFM Insonic Rocks and Gravity FM, Songs of Preys, Nightbreed Radio - Dark Frequency.

From the groove-led hard rock of Pulse to the gentle ballad of Drowning, catchy choruses of Magnetic and Moonchild, plus a sprinkling of carefully chosen covers, The House of Ghosts will make any gig a good night to be haunted!

I got there early which meant that i got myself a seat upfront and watched the band do test runs and setting up, I always try to be at the front as that way i do not have to fear of looking forward being surrounded by lots of people, i just focus on the band and the music (:

From the moment they sung their first song, they already took their sound quality to a new level, and sounded even better then the last time i heard them.
The Unique thing about this band, is how well the songs are put Together, with most of them being longer then your normal radio song, your hit with the very elegant and powerful voice of Gina Stone Aka Janet Mcdermott-Brown that passes through your body and soul, almost feel like your drifting away but then brought back by the most insane crazy skills of the new drummer Danny Krash, who was having the time of his life, if thats not enough you have the pulses of the bass guitar by  Daniel Foster and the really epic and mesmerizing Guitar skills and solos by Leigh Edwards with Exciting Rifts that brings a passion and edge to the band !!!
The whole experience of watching them live is like your living an atmosphere of being In a 80,90's Festival, In front of a massive crowd just having the time of your life (:                                                         

They have Recently been on BBC Introducing Which i think is awesome and i am glad to see this band getting know !!!

Half way through, the set  even though I loved every member of the band, scanning back and forth really watching the fingers move wild on the Guitars and hearing the wonderful smooth vocals, I have to admit Danny Krash caught my eye the most.

I have always had a passion for listening closely and watching drummers, If there is a concert on TV i focus more to the beat of the drums then the whole song, Its crazy how much a drummer can play to perfection and just pour their heart out, i also love when it comes to the end of the song and you get to see the mad drum solo hehe.

I was happy because not only was i relaxed but was having the time of life just not being me while being me?This is where a lot of photographers will know this pain, that is of spending to much time in front of a screen rather then just living the moment.
Its annoying because Technology is everywhere, and often is our downfall, and it took me to have a set back of doing photography, to see how much i hid behind the camera in order to make friends but also force myself to see bands play.
Seeing that band play was the first time i had went without my camera, i may not have spoken to anyone but to me just being able to chill and listen to live music which is way better then anything in the world, just made me happy (:
Its nice to have photos to lookback on but i do feel that gigs are meant to be enjoyed, by not spending time looking down to change settings on a camera and watch them through a lens !!!!
It was nice just being a a human being for a change and not having to relay on a camera in order to enjoy life (:

As the band was performing their last songs, I must admit their last songs were the best and the ones i enjoyed the most, I fount myself, moving and tapping along more and more wishing i could live in that moment just a little bit more (:

I was super impressed with the 2 new members as it was their first time performing in a venue as a whole band.
Overall I aim to see them again but in a different venue maybe Lincoln or Newark and even if my blog inspires just one person to see live music and even see The House Of ghosts then i will be thrilled hehe.

I hope The band keeps staying strong, making new tracks, expanding their audience and who knows touring across Countries one day !!!!
Note- photography in this blog is not mine (:

If you would like to know more of the band and The Grantham live Music scene please check the links below (:
- http://www.thehouseofghosts.co.uk
-https://www.facebook.com/thehouseofghostsuk/
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K19uH1GHa0

Grantham live music Scene
https://www.facebook.com/Granthamlivemusicscene/
http://www.granthamlivemusicscene.co.uk/


My social links -
https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/
https://twitter.com/HLincolnshire
https://twitter.com/DanMediaP

MY Zone Challenge Month, Feel Good Fitness, New Classes | Daniel Marshall Adventures

Welcome, In this post i will be talking about how i did During the Myzone Challenge month and about the new classes at The gym !!!

I have been posting a lot about Feel Good Fitness Because of how much it has changed my life, and how the more i keep going, the more i get stronger and the more memories and friends i make (:
The last week In September I noticed posters advertising October Myzone  Challenge month.
The idea was simple just put on your Myzone belt used to track your stats and myzone points, work hard and have fun (:

You got 1 ticket for every 100 Points, with it being capped at 50 tickets which is 5,000 points.

I had worked out for me to earn the most per day would be to do a lot of Cardio, which because i loved taking the Wattbike classes, it fitted nicely.
I knew October would be very demanding on my body, as i was in the middle of a 9 week Training workout with friends which was very intensive, on top of doing tennis 3 times a week, and doing classes, It meant that everyday i was at least doing something physically.
I had decided about a week into the challenge to try using the belt while i played tennis.
As I normally run a lot anyway and for at least 3 hours, so even without the challenge it would be cool to see my stats, see how much effort i put in and how high my heart rate
is.
I had never worn the belt beforehand as i was worried it might put me off my game, I have always had this annoying thing where i can not stand things being on my body, like watches etc.
Lucky enough it did not put me off my game, and i think somehow in the back of my mind, it made me push harder to improve my game and fitness because i knew i was aiming for a goal (:


As you can see I earned 403 My Zone Points, from playing 3 hours of tennis, with 25min walk there and back, and some breaks, 0 points are usually earned from a standing heart rate, its only when your heart rate goes higher that you start to go into the different color zones, 50-60 =1point, 60-70=2points, 70-80 =3 points, and 80-100 is 4 points, all points are worked out per min your in that zone.

 
So to compare that with a gym result above youll see that i push myself harder but for a shorter time, 

I am normally in the higher zones longer then tennis, because even though i push myself at tennis and its a lot of moving, your managing your stamina throughout the time your playing, rather then giving it your all in a class for the gym. if i did 3 straight hours of gym Cardio i would earn more points in a quicker time but run the risk of burning out with trying to keep in a high zone for that time period.

We all need Breaks !!!! even working out you can not expect to keep at a high rate for that long.

The reason i do not wear the belt while doing weights, is to me it does bother me, and if i am doing anything where i have something pressed to my chest the belt then digs in.
I am sure a lot of people do wear it while doing workouts but for me it just does not work out.
The cool thing about the belt is when your doing activity outside of the gym it stores the information on the device, then once your done, pair the device on your phone,tablet etc, open the app and upload the data (: 
After 2 weeks into the challenge i was noticing people way ahead of me, so i decided to push even harder at least 2-3 times a week for that month i was going to play tennis, and then in the evening either do some Cardio on my own or do a class.
As you can imagine i was very competitive and determined to win some prizes, my goal was to reach the capped level, and then still work hard but not push even harder as there would of been not point as any points over the capped level would not count towards the prizes anyway.

One of the days i went to play tennis i played the best i ever did and earned the most points which was great for Racking them up.

That month only seemed to get more competitive with me swapping places between 3rd and 4th with the most points earned.
The pressure to do well got even higher when more rewards were thrown into the mix..
Nothing to do with the Myzone challenge month, but in the case of the myzone match which is using during the Watt Bike class.
The concept of the zone match, is to keep in the zones for the time it says so for example stay in the yellow zone 80-90 percent, for 1 minute, On the live board in front of you, you can see your match percent, as you can see from the picture above.
so if you have someone matches you, and then you drop out of the zone or even go into a higher one before your supposed to your percent will drop while the other person who is still in the right zone will go up.
A prize would be given to the person who wins 6 zone matches, so of course this now meant swapping one of my weight workout days to enter another watt bike class for more chances to win prizes haha... Hmm Competitive much ? (:
I had got to know new people, and had a arch rival, her name was Jo !!!! hehe
I had a blast as me and her were so close in the class, the first class i Lost to her by 1 percent, as when it gets to the last few sections where you had to drop your heart rate, i really struggled, which meant i was not the right zone, as i watched my percentage drop and Jo"s rise, it was fun as we both pushed each other with the more times we went onto the watt bike class.
The next time we faced i had won by 0.1 percent !!!! and then recently we faced again and like with the first time my heart rate would not drop, but we all have a laugh and come away feeling happy (:


To get me even more excited about going to the gym more, was the announcement of new classes at the gym !!! which inc Adult Dance,bootylicious,Hit and Box fit, as well as having the other classes they had on before.
The last week of the challenge i got angry and upset with myself as i had come down with a nasty cold, which meant i had to miss a few things, and take it much easier, which meant i was earning less points.
However as much as possible i still kept pushing hard and overall by the end of the month i had reached just over 6,000 Points !!!
You will see though that i earned over 7,000 as i was told that one of the zones did not count in the challenge, and with that in mind i have no idea how the person who came in first ranked up so many !!!! to be honest its good to push yourself but as i mentioned its silly to go at full pelt still if you have earned over 5,000 as the tickets would be capped.
It was now time for the prize draw with tickets being pulled at Random, prizes inc, next vouchers, scales, lanyards, myzone T-shirt, extra membership, and personal training sessions.
I had won a session with the manager Helen, i was gutted i did not win anything else, but hey that is life, just means that i will keep trying next time its on (:
Speaking of driving forward, is having the chance to get to know a wonderful new addition to the gym Team which is Kelsey Pakes

she is a level 3 Personal Trainer with a love for exercise and fitness. she has a strong dance background and has worked as a professional dancer as well as leading her own dance classes. she wants to help others find confidence in the gym and work with them to reach their goals, whether it be training for an event or whether it’s making exercise a part of your weekly routine. shes very much a people person, she  hopes to find ways of making fitness engaging and creating programmes that work for each individual. she specialises  in a range of classes from dance and aerobics to circuits/bootcamp and strength and conditioning. If your goal is to lose weight, gain muscle and improve your overall health and fitness levels – she  can help you!

whenever i am at the gym she is also up for a chat, and much like the picture she always seems full of drive and being happy (:
So if you want to find out more about her please check in the links at the end of this post.

Weather i am working out with my friends, or doing classes with a group and the member of staff taking it, i am always able to not only push myself a lot harder but come away from the session, tired but happy knowing that its been a fun class or a good laugh with my mates and the amazing hard working staff.
The whole team at feel good are truly amazing people, not only do they work on their own fitness goals, but they manage the place, they make sure your ok, always up for a laugh, and work hard putting on the awesome classes that if your a member they are all free !!! and i tell you what, being on some of the classes as really helped my confidence, its given me a higher drive, of focus, and i have created such wonderful fun memories (:

The last exciting thing i wanted to talk about was going on my first Box fit class which was only Yesterday 08-11-17
I had never done boxing before, and never worn boxing gloves, as well as my confidence still not being that great around others,
The class got into pairs with me pairing with Helen.
She explained what the class was about, demonstrated the moves and off we went for a intense 45 minute session.
the first technique was the good old 1-2, the boxing gloves felt so strange on me and i was not sure how hard to hit, as with doing a 9 week training program with my friends, and with never punching before, i was unsure of my strength.
it was time for a swap as now i was defending Helens punches, and man is she super strong haha, i was a little worried but it was good fun (:
we learned many more steps like, 1-1-2, uppercuts etc.

Halfway through the session to make it easier for helen to get around everyone and to help them out to, i went on the punching bag, doing the same moves as the rest of the class still.
I did enjoy using the bag more as i did not have to worry in case i accidentally hurt someone and my focus was a lot better, learning boxing was hard and at times it did hurt my hands.
Like with anything new you have to wear it in ,get a feel for it, and although i had been doing a lot of weights and getting stronger, i had never used those muscles in that way so of course it was going to hurt a bit.
Overall i really loved the session, i left feeling very pumped, and i certainly will have a crack at it again !!!!
This is a lovely quote from the net that is true to who i am.
I might lack confidence when talking to people but i just focus in life what makes me happy (: That is working hard on my mental health, working hard on my physical health,
trying out new things, learning about life, and most of all just trying to fill each day with a lot of laughs, and memories !!!

What i want to keep working on is expanding my circle of friends, keep being who i am,
Keep coming out of my comfort zone and to just keep pushing myself more and more,
Physical activities make me happy, so if something is not broken do not try to fix it just find that something your good at, or you enjoy and work at it to keep improving (: 

Thanks for reading please check out the links below - Kelsey Pakes
https://www.facebook.com/kptraininguk/
https://www.instagram.com/k.p.training/

Feel good fitness-
https://www.facebook.com/FeelgoodGrantham
http://www.feelgoodfitness.net/grantham/grantham.html
https://www.instagram.com/granthamfeelgood/

Grantham Tennis Club, Master Club Coach LTA Level 5, Training For Coaches | Daniel Marshall Adventures

On 1st November 2017 I got a experience of a lifetime and so did the coaches.
Grantham Tennis club was Offering a Free 3 hour coaching session for players, as coaches who are level 4 are working onto Getting their Highest Qualification which is the Master Club coach level 5.

The coaches Taking their level 5 was Jonathan Haynes who is a coach for St Mary’s Calne Tennis Academy (SMCTA) which  provides a structured coaching programme to pupils of St Mary’s Calne and St Margaret’s Preparatory School.
Alan Smith Coaches at David Lloyd Teeside which is at Tees Barrage Way, Stockton-on-Tees TS17 6QB
I could not find any images for the 2 coaches above but here is a picture of the last one which is the guy on the left

Lastly we have Richard Surtees who is Head of Performance at Grantham Tennis club.
Here is a summary of what the aim of the level 5 course is about

What is the aim of the course?

The aim of the course is to provide coaches with a transformational coach education experience that will equip them to be successful developers of players ranging from 11 years of age to under 18 National / International level juniors.

The course will develop coaches with a high level of versatility in working with performance players. Coaches will be able to comfortably transition between, for example, making a technical impact with an 11 year old National level girl, to later creating an inspirational training environment on court with a group of 14 year old boys and then to providing clarity of thought and excitement to a 16 year old in delivering their pre-match practice session prior to them playing a grade 2 ITF.

The course is designed to develop a coach from “knowing more” to deeply influencing their performance on a day to day basis with their players.

The picture above is of a level 1 coaching taking place.
There are coaches who are at different levels, who work hard at not only achieving their grades, but learning about the sport, doing coaches sessions one to one and in groups to help people improve their game, For me for the last year going through the feeling good project through the tennis club, ive had the chance as part of a group to have fun learning tennis, improving my game, play mini games that not only work on a set style and skill but are also fun to play.
Without the Dedication of these coaches, people would not be able to find the love of the amazing sport of tennis.
In Fact the other day i was looking on google and saw this image and its so true that its a key sport on your physical health (:



so for us it was a chance to get free advanced Coaching, while the coaches were training for their exam, with observes being there, to take notes, and for the coaches to ask any questions about the tasks they needed to do.
There was around 12-15 people who got the chance to have this free session.
After a small Warm up with others in the group while the coaches were getting briefed,
we got told that The 3 hours was going to be split into 3 sessions lasting just over 45 minutes with a small break in between each one.
the 3 coaches split us into groups, with each being taught something different and then a swap around when the next session started, so that everyone got a chance to do the drills.

The first session Was focused around serving, working on getting a high percentage in.


For me I have always had a issue which this as i have tried many different types of serves, many different type of stances etc, i always have the same problem which is balance.
Being able to serve a first serve while not moving all over the place, which then get lead to not being on your feet quick enough to return the shot coming back at you.


So the first part was working on getting serves a lot slower but at body level so its a lot harder to return as you body tends to tighten and also not a lot of time to think if the ball is right at your body rather to the side.

We Then had Targets to aim for which because of the insight on slowing my serve down and balancing i was able to hit a target, get more serves in and get close to the targets i was aiming for.
The next stage was then putting it into a little game, working on getting the serve to the players body, and seeing how they coped under pressure.
I cant remember who taught us, but he made sure to watch everyone,s Technique and give advice to each person, to improve there serves but also explain the differences and showcase them so the coach was covering all bases.
I felt that session had taught me a lot and really helped me understand what was going wrong with my serves, its good that he was not only able to provide a fun session but understand each persons different serve and give  different advice based on further advancing the percentage of serves in.


Next up was forehand drills with Richard Surtees, and net play.
Using the serving skills we got taught from the other session it was now time for one person to serve and to try and aim for the person right at the base line, making it harder for them to return it also means your body become very tight, and have not much time to think how to hit your shot.

A lot of body movement is used in order to get a stronger forehand hit, you need core strength in your arms and body, also the strength in your legs to have a strong standing force, and the agility to run from a standing point, to reach the ball, and then the arm strength to get that power, drawing the swing back and then forward to carry the momentum.

Its a lot harder then you think to not only aim for where you want the ball to go but to not over cook your shots or  even hit them to soft.
We then worked on a rotation of a player being at the net to intercept while the other 2 aimed to get they forehands across court and towards the base line.

For the forehand players it was working on keeping a rally going, and working on the skills of positioning and power, while the net player, watched for a opening to attack the ball.

which then it was time for  some points games again learning everything we did into practice.

over half over the 3 hours now gone, and i had already learned so much, and again, had a great coach to take the time to address each players skills, workout the best way to help them and encourage them to do well, so far the 2 sessions, were not what i expected, we were really tested and a lot of cardio was in play, it was Advanced training we was getting, and i loved it, it was pushing my limits and improving my game !!!!
as you can see by the picture above most forehands are normally hit by the side as its better to keep putting the other player under pressure, get in building up  rather then aiming to win the point straight away, let them make the mistake, and then put a shot down the middle, a drop shot, slice shots etc (:

By this point i was starting to struggle as i have been battling with a cold for over a week now, and only starting to recover.
This meant that i was not moving as fast as i normally do, or even have the same focus on top of which that although social tennis is competitive, its not as fast paced as the coaching we was getting.
The last time i did heavy Cardio tennis was over 4 months a go when i had a session indoors to see what it was like and i did really enjoy it, but i still need to keep improving my fitness and stamina !!

Indeed by the quote above, you can never perfect your game, and never aim to play tennis to win everytime, we learn of others, we watch, we study, we practice, we have fun and then we do it all again, thats my little quote haha, the image quote is better (:

For the final session we had our final coach, still working on forehand but this time working on placement and watching your opponents move and hitting it to a place where its a lot harder for the other player to return.

A marker was placed, and this is where the real fast Cardio session started, by taking it in turns we had to try for a standing point in the middle,having the ball fed to our right and trying to aim to the right of the marker.
Trying to get precision on your forehand is really hard as its easy just as a ball is coming to you to just give it a big whack and hope for the best, the skill comes in the control and placement (:

The next task, was hitting the same ball, but then getting another ball fed to us, and having to use our feet to get into a position where we could hit our forehands shot to the left side of the court.
To make it harder the first bounce had to be in court, with the second bounce making sure it went out.
This was to work on getting close to hitting a deep forehand shot to the corner without the first bounce being out, as in tennis your only allowed for the ball to bounce once.

I was making a lot of mistakes but with the help of the coach and the atmosphere i soon pulled it together which helped for the last task.
now we had Balance of our forehands, it was now time to do the same for the first shot but then the second feed the coach/player would be either moving, or stood still,
Often we move to quick to try and predict where the shot is going and if the other person can see that, and your running lets say to the left, you have now let the whole right side of the court open for the player to make it easier to win the point by hitting it to the right.
Its amazing that in a space of a seconds sometimes just one, our eyes, body, mind can analyse where the ball is coming, where the player is, is the person moving, where we want to place the shot, how much power, what type of shot, a forehand, slice, smash etc, like with any sports you watch on TV it seems a lot longer but in real life, a split second wrong choice can cost you a point or even the match.
    

What really amazes me is when we as adults try so hard to improve and a lot of the time kids who are 10 years and younger, are hitting shots better then us, like !!! how haha.

When you think that these sessions did not even go into really Technical types of shots, that gives you some idea how much training, coaching there is involved and how fun but how hard tennis can be as a sport.
Its took over a year from getting coaching, to watching others play and put that into practice, to develop my own game, which now i not only can do the essential skills, but my own little tricks and flicks of shots !!!

Overall i felt all 3 coaches, knew a lot, were already well trained to say  they had achieved their level 4 and looking to get that one step further in life.
All 3 coaches, delivered a fun but intensive session, which all of them, helped assess each person weak points to turn them into stronger points, and parts of their game that needed to that little tweak.

 
In my opinion i think all 3 coaches should pass their level 5 as they are top notch !!!
Weather, your young, old, in a wheelchair, you can always learn, and enjoy playing tennis thanks to all the hard work, coaches, staff, managers put into providing a place for people to learn 
So i thank Grantham tennis club, for this wonderful experience, and of course the coaches, i hate to think how they felt under pressure but i can say they swiped the sweat away and performed to the best of their ability (:
Thank you for reading if you would like to know more about LTA you can do by the links below
https://www.lta.org.uk/
https://twitter.com/ltalincs

Grantham tennis club links -
https://www.facebook.com/granthamtennisclub/
https://twitter.com/GTCManager
https://clubspark.lta.org.uk/granthamtennisclubMy social links

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/

  https://twitter.com/DanMediaP

https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC

https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/

http://dmpuk.weebly.com/

How to Adult ,My Inside life | DanielMarshallAdventures

This blog post is going to be a combined post, mentioning bits that i have said in a few others posts, the reason for this is to go even deeper into things and also mention more things i am learning how to cope as adult and with my issues in life (:
i would like to say like i do with most posts, i have learned to be fully open, to live life for me, and be happy the best i can, I get rid of the people that want to ruin my life or dont care and fill in with love, caring and the best friends and community in the world, and i will keep trying to expand my friends, keep trying to improve in life and always keep being who i am !!!

I mentioned a few weeks back that seeing a private counselor has been helping, as they dont stick to stupid score sheets or guidelines, The person is there to listen, to understand, to dig deep into the issues you face in life and your past, and to help you become better at controlling these feelings.

The reason i am even writing this post is because of how deep the talks have been, and that i feel its best to reflect that for others to see, understand and might even help someone who is going through similar issues (:

When you grow up, you start to learn things about yourself, as you grow up, your supposed to learn the right from the wrong, that is what parents are there for, to help you grow as a person, to help you overcome challenges, to help you learn for later life in becoming an adult ??
I dont have overall figure so this is a guess amount but i would say over 50 percent of humans in the world, have not grown up with a loving family, its either one parent or the other who have been supported of their child/ children.
Not matter how small or big events have been in that child,s life those things will always be buried deep within our brain, just waiting for when we feel low or have a bad day to remind us of those horrid times and sometimes it can sit with for hours and sometimes even days before we snap out of that place and back to reality.

The past week i have had to go back to those dark places to understand about my life, which has meant being stuff up that has scared me, that has hurt me, but without bringing them up, and learning to overcome them, then the demons will only ever get stronger !!!

When i reflect on the past, it really shows that your actions and who you are come from your parents.
Often when you feel alone, stressed and other emotions, the Dna from our parents comes into play without us even realizing it, until that moment when its to late, we have either said or done something our parents did which has been bad, and the only way to make sure it does not happen again, is to think and understand why they acted that way and put solutions in place in our minds so that we do not act like them.

For myself i am 26, but there is a kid the age of around 10 still inside me, what do you mean by that?
This is something the counselor brought up and i do think its very true.
From the age i was born, until i was 18, i had one parent who tried to be there as much as she could, to try and teach me things.
on the other hand i had my dad who was not only physically abuse but mentally abuse to my mum, who whenever i could not do something straight away, like ride a bike, or even things i could not do like tie laces, instead of having the patience to teach me or even let my mum do that, it was often replaced with, my dad shouting at my mum saying at his age he should be able to do this and that.
The thoughts of learning became into my own personal frustration at myself for not being able to do the simplest thing that most people could do, which would often lead me to put myself down, and had a overall knock on my confidence.

The times of being able to relax after a hard day of school, would often be replaced by sitting on the top of the stairs listening to my dad shouting at my mum, and having to sit and listen because i knew what my dad was like with turning that into physical and needed to be there to help mum away from it.

On top of all that, some people from school, knew what was going on, with those people living on the same street as us, these people would often bully me and then others would bully me because of my issues of not being able to do normal everyday life skills that even at that age, a lot of kids knew.

Everyday i felt i was on edge, scared, lonely, no friends, and often having to play sports on my own just to get out of the house.

So the times where i was supposed to learn about life, it was not there, until me and my mum finally moved away from my dad, and i started college life, learning about having to pay for board, having my own money from college, to spend or save on what i wanted.
So for me the life skills i should have learnt up till then i had only started when i was around 17-18, so overall my age level is around a 10 year old, to the point that due to events from moving away from my dad, life went to fast forward state, and again instead of having that learning experience i was thrown into the deep end.

My mum had the trouble of having bill after bill stacked due to most of the things we owned being brought through a catalog, or the stupid buy now pay nothing till 2 years time etc which was in my mums name, but was being paid through most of the income earned from my dads so called disabllites, which contain of him going mental a lot, him moaning saying the doctors keep giving my tablets, and moaning at my mum even shouting and crying saying they think i am mental, why wont they do anything. he went to hospital to get checked, nothing wrong with him, he put himself into hospital, to many times, not because he had hurt himself, no, just because he thought he was dying
the so called act, he used most of my childhood and i bet uses to this day.
while he claimed this for supposed to be having disabllites, i feel that i wouldnt say i have some but i do have learning difficulties, such as dysprxia, and dylexia

Anyway getting back to the point, my mum was in money problems, and i was trying to help the best i could but i also had to think about my future,
a few months into living my mum, things seemed ok, and i even starting seeing a girlfriend for a few months.
we did not work out and i just started to focus on college.
A few months later i started talking to someone online, we got on well, and after a few months of talking decided to meet.
This started to develop more and more, but the more i saw her, the more my mum did not like it and her whole attitude changed towards me, shouting at me all the time, the anger built up from my dad made me often shout back and stand up for myself, i suppose i was in a rebellious stage in my life.
At the time i had no idea i was turning into my dad, because i had put those bad feelings to the back of my mind, and also with being adult and having adult responsibilitys, i was not thinking what i was saying, i just wanted to think about my future and that future was being with this person i really liked.
Its bad when your parents do not notice how bad your grammer is when you speak or even words that you can not say, like basketball and biscuit without it sounding funny.
That the person that notices your issues is the person who hardly knows you, but loves you and wants to help.
I did not have the issues where if i could not do something i would be shouted for, instead i had that support, and overtime without being stressed, my speech became better, again something i should have already knew how to do but it was my brain acting at a much younger age due to the dramatic events in my life.

Then became a very challenging and stressful few months, as i was kicked out the house for such stupid reasons, so the girlfriend who i was with asked her parents if i could stay around for a few days until i got things sorted.
I had to make trips back and forth from Nottingham to Grantham, as because i had not registered with Grantham council for at least 3 months and had a connection from Nottingham, i was told they could not help that i must get somewhere in nottingham.
after a lot of stress not only for myself but in our Relationship, I finally got a shared house In Nottingham.
over the course of a year, i was living life still on the edge, where i had landlords that did not care about the state of the place, and were scamming clients, other tenants shouting, banging, playing loud music, stealing, as well as hardly eating at i did not know how to budget, what food to buy, i had no form of entertainment, as i had no tv and no wifi.
each week i wished would fly by just so i could see my girlfriend at the weekend.
I had never learned to cope as adult until i was shoved into the deep end, and the whole experience made me very depressed, i had no friends to talk to, so just being able to talk to my girlfriend for a few a day leading up till meeting her again got me by.

The whole thing was a bonding experience though and after that year we both decided it was best to move to Grantham after applying for a application to be put through that council.

Things started  to get better in my life, and after a few months in a shared house in Grantham decided it was time to move in with each other with our own place.
Her parents helped a lot, with buying is what we needed for the place, but the problem of other bad tenants followed us.
it was a house built with 3 flats, with us being in the middle one.
upstairs played music loud all day and even through the night, downstairs kept setting off the fire alarm, slamming the door, and shouting.
my girlfriend was 2 years younger then me, she started studying at college, and often could not get enough sleep or study because of what was going off.
on top of this we started arguing a lot and being very distant with each other because i was not used to being the same room as someone, i was not used to spending time with someone, because i shut myself in my room playing video games most of my life up until the point we got with each other.
so instead of trying new things, and spending time with each other, i used to shut myself away from her a lot of the time.
This was also a time where, we was also learning about bills , rent, managing money, etc
learning to give and take on things we wanted as a couple.
Back then i was very unfit, i was very weak, and because we lived in a place where most of it was paid for, takeaways and treats started to creep in.
My girlfriend was helping out with her family business as well as studying, so it was time for me to look for work.
My first job i had, i was let go after 2 weeks, as it was working in a kitchen, with training being given on the job, instead of training being given prior to the job.
I had always suffered with asthma, and at the time i got the job, i had one of the worst colds i had in my life, working in the kitchen nearly made me faint, i felt so ill, i kept coughing, and i was struggling to remember things as i was told so many different things at once.
Her parents that were so supported and helped us so much, then started on me as if i was there own son, shouting at me and my girlfriend, that is was my fault i lost the job, this and that, which caused a massive arugement with my girlfriend, as she was not very supportive at the time either, and after i put my foot down and explained things, she finally defended me to her parents.

So it was time to look for another job, since moving in with each other, i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life, i had studied music at college before we got with each other, but that was only something i wanted to do as a hobby.
It was just the case off finding work to earn a income, so a few months later i got a job as a cleaner.
Most of the cleaning duties i copied with but the store was massive and had a lot of flooring that needed buffering, with me being very weak and grew up with a very poor grip on things and in strength, this then became very challenging.
I was given a warning for not being able to do it right at work, and they ended up giving the task to another member of staff.
I was with the company for about 3 months, in that time, i worked with a very nasty woman who decided to make stuff up saying i was not hovering the carpets, and that i had miss spots when i had not and even showed the staff working there.
However because she was acting miss goodie two shoes and chatted away a lot to the staff, people took her side, which led to me getting the sack.

Which you can imagine how that went down with my girlfriends parents this time !!!
It was always like i had to proof myself to them, and that they would treat me like their son, showing me a good time, taking us on trips but the moment i did something wrong that was not my fault, all hell came down on me, like seriously your not parents pee off.

After all the noise that went off in our flat, we could not take anymore and looked for a better place.
This was the next step into being with each other, we managed to get a lovely 2 bedroom flat, which did cost us a bit more money but worth it to have peace and quiet, and have more space.

The quiet though did feel like it was driving me nuts, and i did start to feel more depressed, i often fount myself having the house to myself 4 times a week, for about 6 hours to myself, feeling lonely bored, and just wishing she was back from work to spend time with her.
a lot of our time together i would say now looking back i did depend on her a lot and did want to spend a lot of time with her, to me because i did not have that love from my parents and having no friends, she was everything to me.
so of course over time, we had more arguments,over  such silly things, she got annoyed because i could not do things like help with cooking, even though she seemed to never have time to show me and help me.
i also struggled with putting bedding on, and often she would ask for help, show me and then i get it wrong, and then get moody because i was making more of a mess, like you clearly see after trying to show me that i cant do it even with showing me over and over, so its harsh but do not ask me to help you if your going to have a mardy about it.
also for me whenever we had arugement it would often take me much longer to calm down, get over it and go back to normality.
I think because of the way my dad was, without knowing it his attitude rubbed off on me, which of course i tried to fight so much not to be like my dad, but he is a part of me, and weather i knew it or not, in a way i was acting like he was.

Things also became very up and down with her parents, over going on holidays and hearing them have a go at each other, going on day trips hearing the same, there were a lot of good days and some bad days.
it just got so hard to have a life just us 2 when the more jobs i tried to keep for some reason i kept losing them, which only made her parents more and more mad at me, like i am trying you know.

I honestly think that life has a knock on effect that the more your trying to impress someone, and they have a go at you, other then having a go at them, and getting more and more stressed at myself for not being able to do simple things, then the only other place to release that anger and upset is the person your with ):

to most people even if they are together family is very important to that person, and i think it makes it hard to stay in love with that person, when your not only fighting one battle but 2, i think always trying to impress them, because they think your a slacker, and never really got on with you, that it makes it so much harder to think, is being with this person really worth it?
at the time my answer was yes, but now i look back, maybe more talks was needed, or to end it sooner without all the bad things that lead up to the break up and even after which you will know about a little later on.

You might be thinking if things were really that bad, why did you not seek help for yourself or even a as a couple, i think we both thought that nothing was really wrong with us, and that we did not need it.

it also became hard to not seem like a control freak, when we was already eating lots of takeaways buying things and going for day trips but since she never wanted to do budgeting i had to, which meant sometimes also caused arugements because i had to set limits to spending on days out.
it became really strange that, from not being able to control my own money, when in nottingham, to know making sure we had enough money left over each month.

6 months before we broke up, i had lost my longest job i had as a cleaner, over many reasons,
I decided there and then, that i clearly was not cut out for work, but also it was to stressful, trying to make sure i kept a job otherwise i would be shamed for being lazy, and not caring about supporting my girlfriend, if i did not have that stress and worry behind me maybe things would of been better for everyone !!!

it just amazes me that her parents, and my girlfriend never really mentioned about trying to get help for learning diffultites or something as clearly i did have some, but again i didnt say anything either because i was worried how her parents would take it and also, the thought never really crossed my mind.
on top of everything in life, i had my dad trying to reconnect with me, which i tried to see how things went, and all he ever cared about was giving us money, not spending time with us, and just being around him still put me on edge, he had not changed and that was shown in his actions.
If though i am being fully open, there are still things i wish not to disclose on the net, or even think about to write, lets just say i have not had contacted with both parents in over a year now (:

It often became frustrating for me as i wanted to help with cooking, with supporting her but i just got more and more stressed not being able to.

Then came  the most stupidest thing i had ever done, which i do regret to this day, but everything happends for a reason, and maybe this next action needed to happen in order for a fresh start.
One day while she was at work, i went onto the computer we shared, and often left our Facebooks open due to having that much respect for each other.
I dont know why but i decided to go through her inbox and it was a good job i did, as she was not only talking to a guy about us but soon would be her new boyfriend.
I had filpped out that she could not talk to me about her problems or even say to me she was talking to someone about it, which i would of been fine with but to find out that way, it made me anger and very unaware of my next actions.

she had text me  while she was at work saying she left her keys in the house so when she was near home could i let her in.
so for about a hour i pondered what to do, full or rage, took her keys left the house and texted her saying that i wanted to meet in a public place to sort things out as i was sick of us aruging in the house and other people hearing.
she had clearly had enough of us being together to as i knew what time she finish and for over a hour she did not text back or ring, i had then texted back, when i got a phone call from her saying she was at the house, with her parents, shoutiing at me to bring the keys back, forgetting we had the keys cut for her grandparents to feed the fish and hamsters we had when we went on holiday with her family.
I was upset and scared and said i will come back but not if your parents are there, since everytime we had a much smaller fall out, she always got them involved.
In the end i had no choice to go back to find the police there and so i was kicked out.
when we had rented the property the only way we could was for her parents to vouch for us, and only one person could be the lead tenant, her parents did not trust in my hands with not having a solid job so they wanted her to be the name on the property.
so of course in one way yes it was my own fault and i deversed what i got but on the other hand i had no where to go and had no say in not being kicked out.

I had to be taken to a hotel, which i had to scrap the little money i had together and it was over the weekend as well so i was in big trouble.
This point my head was spinning, i felt sick, i barely slept and tried to beg her to help me, yes i know that was silly as it was my fault but i had no support from no one and i loved her so of course not only did i want help but i didnt want to give up fighting for her.
She did help me for a few days, and eventually landed in supported housing.
That whole month was the worse month of my life as we tried to be friends, but we still loved each other, and it just caused even more arugements, which lead to my first caution.
On top of that i did another stupid, selfish act of trying to kill myself, by overdosing on tablets.

When you have no friends, you hate your family and the person you spent nearly 5 years together just comes crashing down, you honestly dont think what your doing.
It was stupid, i was in hospital for 3 days, when i got there is seemed a blur, i remember them making me drink this black stuff, to empty my system off the tablets, being sick, my head spinnng and much more.
Time seemed to loose track as i tried to get sleep but with being ill from the black stuff, what seemed like hours of sleep was only 30-40 Minutes.
 
After those few days i got back home, most days crying, not wanting to eat, i had trouble sleeping, i felt very weak, and i just kept sending email after email, moaning about how much we did with each other the memories and how i wanted her back.
I knew i could never get her back when weeks later after we offically broke up when trying to be with each other again, she then gets a new boyfriend.
Now i understand that we all move on fast, and others dont but a few weeks after???
I knew then that clearly she had been wanting to be with this person for possible more time then that.
As it doesnt seem right to go through that long of being together to be with someone else in a matter of weeks.
I dont know why she felt she needed to rush into things, but hey thats none of my business (:

So if you had not figured by now, my already state of mind, just went into overdrive, sending even more emails, this lead to my second caution, i will say there is a lot more that went down inc what her parents decided to do but i can not mention that as i know 100 percent, my ex, her parents, her friends would try anything to get me into trouble as you will find out in a bit.

Even though my support worker was telling me not to do things i still did them anyway because i was struggling to cope, even when i was in shared housing in nottingham i at least had my girlfriend to get me by those days, but this time i was truly on my own.
I had applied to get support from the mental health services a few weeks after we broke up, and was still on waiting lists to be seen.

So i tried as much as possible to get my head down and move on, with starting my own business.
I was gaining confidence but i was still breaking down everyday with bad depression.
I have mentioned about the whole process of my business etc  in other posts, so i wont repeat things to much.
I had got in touch with a old family member who wanted to help me out, and understand what was going on.
A few months later i went to some networking events, and decided to share a picture of me at the event, i then got a email as i had my twitter account settings to email me whenever i got a retweet, follow etc.
The email said so and so which was it was my ex twitter account, has liked your picture.
Now why would someone who hates you, and clearly moved on do that?
i shook it off, days later another email, it was her again, liking something else.
I then fell for her trap, and starting email her, i even said in the emails, i dont know if its some sick game you and your partner and parents are playing but stop it, you either want to get in touch or leave me alone.
I showed my support worker, and my family member, and both said do not email her, did i listen... nope !!!!!
Then to show how sad their lives had got, and clearly at this point they were laughing their socks off and just trying to get me into trouble, her mum retweeted something of mine !!!
Again for these people to never want me to contact them, etc they sure was going to some length.
3 days had gone by and i get a knock on the door its the police, taking me to the station and giving me a court notice for a months time, due to statements and proof from her that i had been harassing her.
Which to be fair i was, i even admitted to them i was, as i had nothing to hide, but i also stood up for myself and mentioned the emails.
which in a statement, her parents and her both declined that they had done so, despite printing of the proof and saying the police officers.
I still have everything logged to this day (:
inc what came next, so its the day of my court hearing, i plead gulity as like i said i was in the wrong.
The person i talked a few hours before the hearing said not to bother with the twitter things, as there is more evidence against you and if i brought it forward it would only drag things out and make it worse.
So i took a 12 month ban where i could not contact her, go into where she worked etc, and a fine.
This family member helped out with fine, but i knew my ex and her parents would be dancing in the fact of the outcome, to say that one month later, on her twitter account, she put a tweet about finally getting closure for the scumbag, and posted the link, that a newspaper put about cases through lincoln court this week, with me being in there and what it was for !!!
Now again yes i deserved to have my name branded as i did wrong, but at least i was not low enough to celebrate and speard the word more that i had done wrong, to say before all this court thing started she was tweeting about how her ex which was me would not move on with life and yet whos gloating in the fact i was named and shamed hmm...
In life there is always 2 sides to a story, in life you will always 99 percent of the time never get to voice that side to the others parents because they will also protect their own.
In life, you will get people like her, who try and tell her friends, her work colleagues and others, her side of the story, and try to make people hate that person even more.
Which i know for a fact due to people i talked to on facebook, that blocked, when trying to get to them that she had spoken to them, and no i was not losing it, this was down, to how the conversations went and what was mentioned.
all it did was made me laugh thinking well, i did wrong i have owned up for it and now i am trying to turn my life around and move on, and yet from someone who recokens they have the best boyfriend in the world, clearly at that time was not moving on, but more in the i didnt get the outcome i wanted, so now i will make his life more hell, like really??? lol

Maybe i should of gone to jail whos knows, but as the saying goes in movies, i was given a second chance in life to not turn out like my parents and to learn from my mistakes.
Often people make very bad judgements on someones past, weather knowing why that person was the way they were, and for me in that 6-7 month period of breaking up to going to court, i tried to make friends, but ended up surrouning myself with people who did not want to listen or care, and it was already making my depression even worse.

So i decided it was to start fresh, and with help finally from the mental health services but a plan, in place, to look and disucss what my issues were, what went wrong with me and my ex, what happened in my childhood, and what i want to do with my life now.

Talking through my issues, started to give my confidence back, and it did help me learn how i needed to act, and learn to become adult.
I had a good life, full of memories and good times, but if i am fair, in my own fault i was trapped in a loop, of just foucsing my whole life around her, and not what i wanted in life to.

So i got my head down on the computer, learned about photography, starting eating properly,
starting learning about the world and about my skills, and tried to turn what i wanted as business into a hobby but still network, still help the community, and still do what i loved.
I kept fighting to try and get more help from the mental health services and my learning difficulties, but because of lack of funding in lincolnshire it was getting harder, to become a proper adult because i was struggling to cook proper meals, to do everyday life skills that most people can do.

I decided as well as improving my mental health to do the things i loved doing at school, so playing tennis, running, and decided to improve my strength as i was still very weak by going to the gym.

I started to make friends, real friends and the best friends i have ever had in my life, i used my skills, to listen to people, help people, use my skills to help the community out, and more and more bulid my confidence as a person.

Skipping forward to the present, i now live a much better life, i am still fighting to get help, and had no luck over my learning diffulties, which has a knock on effect, you cant get higher help with housing if you havent had assesments for these issues, you cant get help with money etc for the same reasons.

Its got to bad that i have had to seek private counseling as i was just not getting the help i needed.
Everything has and will always happen for a reason, and through seeking other help, its helped me understand who as a person i am now.

Although i have learned a lot, i am not magically cured and i would not said like the clique movie says, he has changed, because i still get angry, 99 percent of the time its at my self now for not being able to do things or push myself to do better, i still get upset, i still have bad aniexty, and bad depression.
All i have done is tried to move on and channel my problems into my physical activites which has allowed me to achieve in my opinion to a high rate.

I have understood that for me tennis and the gym, is my happy places, because of how nice the community is there and how i managed to get involved, its also creates lots of happyiness because of the adrenaline factor.

So If your not running a business and not working what are you doing in life and why are you not working?

My confidence will always be part of the issue of not working, on top of every job i have had even the basic ones i have lost, the fact that i cant do simply things because i know how to do it but my body does it different.

The fact that i do not cope well under pressure and forget things a lot, and panic,
but if your doing all this sport, surely you have no issue working as your physically fit?
again this comes down to the mental health, you cant expect someone to feel the same happyiness and aderlaine working in a supermarkets, serving customers etc to running around, having a laugh etc.

I have not just magically turned my life around in a day, its taken nearly 2 years of learning and battling.
for me that is just how i work, competition fuels me but when i am doing sport, nothing else matters, no bad feelings, no worries, my confidence is higher then its ever been, so i stick with it.

I have learned i can be 2 people not in the sense of a perosnality disorder but how i am as a person in different situations, even spelled that situations just got me a little angry as i knew how to spell it but it just was not coming to me (:
So for example, when i am playing tennis, the rush of happyiness means my aniexty goes, i can talk to people, i dont all big headed and over confident but i am able to have a laugh and relate to people.
with photography its the same i feel confident, i can make speeches, i can network with people.
However put me in front of a social meeting group, i got quite, i get anxious i often leave early even though i want to make friends, same with music events.
Sometimes i can stay and i feel happy and sometimes i think everyone is looking at me strange, even though i know they arent, i get all panicked  if there are a lot of people near me, even if i am there to take photos and enjoy the music.

I have learned that so far, despite all the coping mechanisms and talking about it 90 percent of my depression is just random, i can be going for a walk, and then feel sad, which then i start thinking of bad things, which then can either lead to a bad few hours or a bad few days.

A month a go i had my worse 2 weeks in a row in a long while, where photography, sport, just made me feel worse, i got angry because i was not able to do or enjoy what i was doing which then made me feel more rubbish about my self, and it was a catch 22 problem.

I just try to take each day as it comes, i was a crap person, i had no self worth, i had no plans for a future, i acted like a kid, i had no friends.
But now i just try to keep improving my life and learning, thinking that i have come along way,
I have not tried to force myself to be with someone else because, got simple i was not ready,
As sad as it may seem, it had to go to court, for me to finally snap myself from wherever i was to grow up, and be the person i am now, i am not perfect, i am not the best looking person in world,
i am not a mastermind, but with learning, i have grown up, i have stood up for myself, i have became stronger then i ever was, i am a lot wiser then i was, and although i do struggle to be an adult, the only thing i can keep doing is looking forward, and being true to who i am (:
My ex took one path to one live, and i took another, i have learned to now not worry about what and who my ex is with because i now have my own life to progress forward (:

There is possible a lot more i could of said and things that ill go ahh i forgot to put that,
I know a lot of you might be wondering why i have decided to write this?
the simple answer is i am who i am, i will always be open, i am not afarid anymore of what people think of me, i make enemies and i make friends, that life, you cant aim to please everyone as its not possible, but what you can do is hopefully make people understand a little better, at the person you are, and that through the dark times, there is always light, hope and a path in life where things are better, you just have to find it, hold onto it and let it grow into the new strong person you are today (:

Thanks for reading !!!