Ramblings of a confused man ????/ Recovery college ??? 29-09-17 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

That time again where i was meant to be creative and have ongoing blog posts that need to be done but just do not have that creative spark or drive, been debating weather to write this for nearly 2 hours now !!!!
Its not been a great week at all, and is why i feel i need to write to get my thoughts away.
Before i get into the bad week i wanted to explain about the kinda of good news I got today.

So as some of you may know who reads my blog posts, since 2016 i have battling with the lack of support by the mental health services.
In life, it so ironic that you not told about services that are offered by the same company at the same place you have been going to for other kinds of help !!!!
This week while playing tennis, i got talking to someone about anxiety and about the useless course i was given to me last week a course that i had waited 6 months for !!!!

The course i was given by the mental health services, aka steps to change, was a group  anxiety course.
Now on the letter it did not explain what it entailed, so in my mind i thought it would be like getting to know each other, group activities to help get of the fear of talking to people and being in the room with others ???

As i arrived for my first session, i had to fill out the thing that should be banned which is the stupid so how have you felt over the past 2 weeks with about 12 questions, of a score based between 0-10 !!
To me when you have had a bad week, or even a good week, we as humans do not mark ourselves on score, we often do not put the correct score depending if that week has been good or not.
This then often leads to not getting further help because they base their decision on the stupid score system and oh no if you did not score high you dont get the help you need !!!!

I filled it in but i swear if i get given it again, even if i kick up a fuzz i am not filling one in ever again.
Instead much like my private counseling i have been having that i will explain a little more later on, even they argeed with many people that, it should be banned and the way the trust deals with patience's is very poor.
The private counseler even said that she had enough of following their workings and that talking to someone about their issues and accessing what help is needed is better then asking someone to rate how they feel !!! 

So going back to the talk with someone at the tennis place, they mentioned that at the same place i go to they do recovery courses also known as recovery college.
These are aimed at group interactions, which is what is should be about.
if you want to find out more about it you can here (:
http://www.lpft.nhs.uk/our-services/adult-services/recovery-college

So why on earth after having 12 weeks of counseling, 5 weeks of CBT, did the same trust never ever mention about this !!!!!!! its nuts.
I then was talking about my anxiety to a friend that i went to for a social meet, and they knew about it and gave me the number to ring.
That is what i did i have got an appointment to talk about the courses like a enrollment, does not mean that the 18th October i have this that i will get instant help.
As they run a lot of different taster courses and core courses, from understanding stress, aniexty and a lot lot more !!! something that i have been wanting this whole time (: here is a little brief write up of a section of a email i just got explaining about the courses.
Your enrolment at the College will last one year. The College runs on a three term academic year. During the first two terms we recommend you taking a mixture of ‘taster sessions’ and ‘core sessions. In your final term, to prepare you for leaving the College, we would recommend you take our ‘moving on’ courses. At enrolment we would make sure you are not overwhelming yourself by taking too many courses, therefore, we would advise a maximum of eight courses during the academic year.

all courses are free, you dont need to bring ID, or anything with you, and i believe as long as they dont overlap your allowed to go onto as many as you can.

I do suffer with both depression and anxiety, and with having private counselling just from the last month, has helped more then the time i have had with the trust.
I was told by the trust 2 months a go when i got a phone call about the anxiety course, that i do seemed to suffer from aniexty the most and i cant say i do i think both are just as bad as each other.

So i am really helping that this recovery college will be the next steps to make me a much more confident person (:
Anxiety is a big problem for me on top of being really shy to meet new people and talk to people.
Unless i am talking about my photography, things i am passionate about or even having a common intrest with that person, i am a totally different person and just struggle coping with making conversation.

Over the past year i have tried as much as possible to force myself out of my comfort zone.
Weather that is meeting with a group of people, to even going to local music gigs.
Most of the time at music gigs i end up leaving due to a overwhelming about of people near me.
In group meets i seem to latch onto one person to talk to as trying to talk to different people just makes me feel on edge, my heart races, i get into a panicked state and just want to leave.

From experience of that i now know that group meetings are just not my thing, the last few months i tried to challenge myself to going to a local social event held once a month in Grantham at a wonderful place.
I have been there 3 times and everytime i just sit there quiet, looking awkward, Its been good going though as i met another photographer, and someone who passed on the details of the counselor i am seeing now (: 
Its often frustrating though, as i dont want to be like that, i dont want to have the need of people coming to me to start the convo, or seeing me quiet and talking.
What i want is when i go to group meetings, is to go in feeling confident, start a talking point off, then go talk to someone else and make friends, yet something just wont snap to make that possible.
Even everyday life i am the same, I love playing tennis, and expect for someone talking to me again starting a talking point off. I often find myself to focused on my tennis then being social.
At the gym, i have got better at talking but still will avoid the chance to meet new people and just focus on what i am doing.
I just seem incapable of talking, a lot of people say what you complain about  just go and do it !!
like der that is what i am trying to do, those people do not know how hard and how taxing it is on yourself pushing yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes it can make you feel worse because of the pressure of having someone telling you just to do it.

I think a lot of people do not know this side of me because i am mostly known as the man with a camera.
I use that to have my confidence and through that i seem to be able to network with people and even talk, its nuts how much of a different person i am just with a camera in my hand (:

Now i will go into the past few weeks and why the last week had been my worst in a long while.
Every week i have meetings with the counselor, talking about my past, my emotions etc.
Every week, for about a hour i feel drained at the end because when you drag so much history up, that you have buried then it impacts not only your mind but your body.
After that though i feel pumped for the day so getting things of my chest really helps.

2 weeks a go I was talking about my photography and what i do for the community,
and she mentioned when was the last time you just went out and took photos for yourself, exploring and capturing what you see.
I said to not in a while, because its been so business and event based, which is nothing wrong with that, but obvious it can be very tiring and demanding.

I took on board what she said and the next day went out for a wonderful walk, i often go by the saying everything happends for a reason, and its true.
In that moment of exploring lead me to enter a photography competition, which was for the Lincolnshire Rivers trust, they loved my photo so much that it was used on Facebook as their cover for the event coming up in Grantham (:
That week started off great because I was in the Journal about my work, only a few days before.
Sadly by the end of the week things went downhill very fast.
Friday 22nd, started epic as i played my best tennis ever, was really happy.
Got home had a shower, something to eat, then a few hours later started to feel strange.
This feeling was not new as Because i have suffered so long i have this sense that i do not feel right, like i am not sad or upset but now really happy either.

By 6pm i had set myself a plan, as i was going to see a local music artist, I started listening to music, and then just after 7.30pm, I could hear shouting over the music.
So I looked outside to see people shouting at each other, and then 5 mins later Police car turning up.
This of course put me on edge a little, even though, it was nothing to do with me, and my brain should not be stupid to get worked up, it did.
I was late leaving due to wanting to wait till it had quieten down, which made me walk faster in my highten state .

I got there, and settled myself thinking right i got my camera to take photos and enjoy a wonderful night, yeah that did not happen.
I could not get comfty, again i did not feel sad but i did not feel really happy either.
After the artist said he was taking a small break, i decided to leave.
Walking back i suddenly without thinking of anything got upset, felt panicked, just being a total idiot.

I got back and for i think 20 Minutes, just sat there about to cry not doing anything.
brushed it aside and started editing the photos i managed to take hoping the next day will be better.
I had managed to dead sleep, where you feel like you have had tons more sleep then you have, which often you will have a headache, feel dizzy, hot, and just do not want to get out of bed.
I set my alarm for 9am and just switched it off, and re woke at 10am.
My body struggled to move but i know i wanted to play tennis later on that day.
90 percent of the time tennis with it being my happy place, snaps me out of it, but there are days where again it makes you feel worser.
That is what happened as, to say i am very physical fit, and no not in looks wise haha but like my speed etc, i just could not move my feet, i could not play at all, it was like i had forgotten how to do anything.

Of course this lead me to feel annoyed at myself, not having good games and making me feel crap about myself walking back home.

I knew i had other stuff to do throughout the day like writing 2 blog posts, one still not being done as i write this one !!!
I had no creativity, and that whole evening was spent in my bed watching shows and feeling awful.
The next morning i felt the same as the other night with dead sleeping again.
A few hours after waking up, i knew i needed to go out as the event for the photography competition was on.
I was glad i went as it cheered me up, with seeing loads of cats on the way back and taking photos of them (:
overall i was not back to normal but i felt a bit better, it did not last long as for the 3rd night i felt like i had more sleep then i did.
For most of Monday, was spent in bed, did not even go to tennis as seeing the counselor again was changed to a Tuesday for that week.

I did have something to look forward to which was doing Cardio at the gym in the evening.
This lead to more being annoyed at myself as i could not push myself as hard as i had been doing.
for some reason my mental state was really affecting my physical body a lot.
Tuesday was a better day, only because of talking about things again, i was now feeling 90percent better !!

The next day was tennis, and i did a bit better, but by the end i felt rubbish again, and did nothing else after that until the evening for more cardio which again was not getting the results i was used to.
This time I had managed to lock my legs and cause a lot of pain, which of course i felt miserable again, ahhh !!!

This leads me onto the last 2 days , expect for last night, I had nearly dead sleeped for a week !!!
all week i had not had the drive i was used to, as mentioned towards the start, was the group meeting, and i mostly talked to the one person i had known from other meets, plus i was still not feeling my usual self.
Today was just a miss match of feelings, as 1 opportunity i had was gone, and another re arranged so my plans for the day changed.
I went to play tennis, and once again, i just fell apart, would not be as bad if i was making wrong decisions like we all sometimes do with anything in life.
its when your body does not want to move, your coordination skills go out the window and you just feel like why am i even bothering anymore.
This week has just been horrible, not because of the things i have done but because i have not been able to control how i have been feeling which had then had a negative impact on doing those things.

I have tried to relax and let the day go and hope for a better day that did not work, i tried taking a good grip on reality and that had the same results.
I just do not know at the moment why i feel the way i do, as i should be happy, my photography is going places, so why i am not happy ???
I just feel so confused right now, lost in my own thoughts.
I miss so much in life because i either leave early, i do not bother going, and when i do my social skills are nothing, i want to experience so much more in life and yet how can i even be accepted because of my mental health, how can i do these things when, i can not stay ??? AHH !!!!!

I think for now i have written enough as this has took 2 hours out of my day not that i am doing anything with it lol.
For me i try to always improve on things, and push myself its just so how when the demons are fighting back harder and harder every month, like the more i achieve the stronger they get.

When i have more details over the course at the recovery college, i shall do a update post but for now i just somehow need to snap myself out of what ever the heck is going off with me at the moment (:
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Joint health and well-being strategy for Lincolnshire meeting 2017 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

In this Blog post i am going to be talking about, what happened in the meeting, and my views.
The event was held at the Jubilee Church on the 18th July 2017.

The agenda of the meeting was to discuss which areas impact Lincolnshire the most, after which there would be a meeting In September 2017 to look at those areas in more detail to put a draft new Strategy by march 2018.

As you entered to give your name so they could mark you as here, they told you what table number you would be sitting on.

as more people turned up i recognized a few people which was on my table.
One of which being, Mark Whitington from the country Council which i am sure i saw him at the Lincolnshire county council meeting i went to In December 2016.
I wasnt sure about the other tables put it seemed there was a lot of people who work in different parts In Lincolnshire.
Sarah who i didnt catch her last name worked in SKDC, you also had Sally who worked in the Children services sector.

A small presentation started about the purpose of this meeting,  mentioning that you would notice around the room, the topics that were up for discussion, on each topic would be stats and evidence of each topic.
such as there are currently  over 500 adults with learning Disabilites supported in long term Residential care at a cost of about 22 million a year, there are 13.563 Individuals or households waiting for a council housing, which i do talk about later in this blog.
Each table has a spokesperson who would pass on the tables discussions at the end.

After the presentation, we was told that their were papers copies of the same information fount on the walls, which i tried my best to snap a few shots off as you can see below, i was kindly given paper copies of the topics as well, which i am glad so i can have more information to tell you lot.



The idea was each person had 5 gold stars to put on 5 different topics they thought should be in the plan for 2018.
a long list of topics but a few of them were. mental health in Adults, mental health In Children, food and Nutrition, housing & Health, Learning Disabilities and many more.



We all got to each talk about what choices we made and why, which was great because I got explain my situation with the way the mental health system works, that it should no longer be a scored format which decides what help you should get, but rather a system that listen to the person needs and after x amounts of session, based the help on what has been said.
I also brought up the battle of long waiting times, that for someone who needs the help, and wants to live a better life, the case of having to wait 4+ months to receive it, is just outrageous, but even more is the fact that after your sessions, of which CBT being only 5weeks your told bye you cant have any more help, refer yourself in 3 months time oh but wait then there is the added time of the waiting list.
its no wonder Lincolnshire has a lot of mental health cases when the support is just not there.
I was happy to see that my table agreed on this a lot and we had a long discussion about it.
it was also mentioned that the lack of support transitioning  between services as a child to a adult, is a disgrace, that your supposed to magically be able to cope.
Learning disabilities was another talked about topic.
I did not get catch to mention about it from my point as i felt mental health was more of an important sector to talk about.
for me this also had an impact on your mental health state, After a year and a half of people around people who pick up on your day to day life, they can sometimes know what you might be suffering from better then a doctor and other services.
I have been told, from others and my own experiences that i could suffer from dyspraxia, and also a little bit of dyslexia.
Again the lack of funding and services has meant that after a year and a half of extinguishing every angle, being told there is no funding, or we do not look after people who have these issues, your left with a battle to get help still.
Which leads with the poor housing situation In Lincolnshire.
Again from my own Knowledge and experience, i know what the system is like.
If you have no where to live, and become homeless, you are put on what is called the avenue.
which is a list, to be transferred mostly to a homeless shelter in Lincoln itself,
if your lucky, you are sent to a housing association such as Narco which i am under, or others across Lincolnshire.,

This is a no means permanent fix, it is just temporary accommodation.
I find myself in a loop from being in shared houses by a landlord back to Narco, because i find it hard to cope, at least if i have kind of a support worker from Narco, life is a little easier.
I have been on the Council list ever since i moved to Grantham, 6 years a go, and on band 4 which in my terms is your never getting a place.
this is where the circle for me comes into place, Because Narco is temp accommodation, your forced, to either be with their move on flat for 2 years, which for me, yes i like my own place one day but at the moment just the comfort of knowing people are in the house makes me feel more relaxed, i could not manage a place on my own.

so because i have also not been able to get a proper assessment on paper  saying you have this etc, my bracket on the council list is still band 4 which again means, good luck getting a place.

If you want to live in a affordable place to rent by yourself you have to go through letting agencies, which do not let you have a place anyway without the support backing from a parent, and then on top of that hundreds  of fees etc.

So for me this all impacts my mental health a lot, that is why i talk about it a lot, because its about time, funding and knowledge on how to do with the issues get sorted.

Anyway back to the meeting, Mark from the country Council had a lot of good points he was speaking about, i cant remember what they were but it seemed there was a common theme on what services needed to be looked at for 2018.

After this we was then given 5 sliver stars, to confirm these choices, or even change a few if we felt from the discussion of the group that we put a star on a wrong topic.

One of the topics i noticed had a lot of stars, which would of also been from the other tables of people, was Mental health in Children, which was great as i suppose it is good to crack down on the issues at hand so they stand a better chance later in life.
It did confuse me towards the end when is table got to talk to the others about what they felt needed to be looked at that,  everyone in the meeting all highly expressed about the mental health services and yet there was only a few stars, for the adult services of mental health.
Something that is clearly lacking in Lincolnshire.
its also the case that although it was good to put our point across, the results of the day, did not reflect much, as across Lincolnshire there was 7 of these meetings,which meant they would be putting all the results from across the border, totally to tally what areas need looking at the most.
Another thing that i felt was a little pointless was the idea of the stars, fair enough it was a way to gather the results but it some way it felt tacky, more so when we had to confirm our choices again ??

Mentioned was that, at some point, do not know when, they would be contacting smaller groups for more input, which i guess its about trying to see if those results match the larger groups but dont see how it would make to much difference.

on the other hand, its about time Lincolnshire holds more Public meetings, to discuss topics at hand.
To my surprise toward the end of the meeting i got chance to have a long talk with, Marianne Jane Overton, Known From the Lincolnshire Independents.
I had met her a few times, and even got to do a video Type Interview, last year, i will leave the link to that at the end of this blog.

She seems to be everywhere in the past year, always making strong points, and trying to be a part of moving Lincolnshire forward (:

My overall experience that it was good to be part of something, that i could really talk about, and get involved with, i had never done anything like that before and it felt good.

In terms of the meeting, again this was only one part of the process, to me no matter what we discuss, you have so much lies with services not only In Lincolnshire but with NHS, Hospitals closing, funding not being there, and well i could go on all day but i wont (:
lets just say until, The Nhs is a little more fixed, the issues in the meeting, will be a very slow process moving forward, People might be asking why are they are going to focus on some areas and not others.
In a perfect world it would be great to be able to have the funding, staff etc to be able to fix everything, but with limited things, i suppose all we can do is focus on the areas that matter the most (:

If you want to see some of the photos i took, of the topics that were at the meeting please check out my photography page.
If you have any questions about the event, please feel free to ask, i cant say i would be able to answer fully but i can give it a shot (:

I hope this blog, information post helps, in some way, of letting people know whats going on in Lincolnshire (:

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How my Mental Health has stopped me from doing what i want in life | DanielMarshallAdventures

A week a go i wrote a blog post about the toughest physically week ahead, My plans were to write a blog post about how my photography has improved over the last year, but also another post about how i coped with the week.

Instead of writing how good the week has been instead there are things in my life i need to reflect on and it was not until this challenging week that is has really opened my eyes.

As i blog a lot i will try not to repeat much of what i have talked about considering my mental well being.
At the same time trying to get across what goes on in my life for those people who have not read any other of my posts before.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but it was not until the start of 2016 i decided to get help.
When i needed the help at my worst stage i could not even talk about it or even start to feel about for at least 5 months.
I had 12 weeks of counseling, in those sessions i would be digging up my deep past about my parents.
Who i choose to no longer to speak to and its been nearly a year since i have spoken to them.
They are part of the reason why i am the way i am, and why i suffer badly with depression.
A lot of people when you say i never want to see or hear from my parents again, look down on you, like you might not want to be a part of there lives now but you might want to be later in life.
Which well may be true but the way i feel at the moment not caring what they think about me, i am much better off without them, not feeling like a failure not having to look up to them, they never really tried to understand me, and this last year has been a great discovery about myself.
Learning that i do have some problems but also i am great at certain things to.
In the 12 weeks sessions i talked about how i struggle to cook, how i am not dumb i know what to do but my body sometimes does things differently, I talked about the break up with my ex.
I was told different coping methods, and to take each day as it comes.

over the 12 weeks, I started to feel better in myself, but i was still having days of not doing anything, not being able to hardly move, crying thinking of the past, then crying over nothing.
most days i felt so tired so weak, that all i wanted to do was sleep.
After having the sessions i was told that i could not get anymore help for 3 months, which i had to re apply to get the help.

In that time, I tired to snap myself out of my looping life, by going for walks trying to improve my stamina, and learn about photography.
Around this time i had moved into a wonderful shared house, which to me felt perfect and luxury.
The landlords were amazing, and often talked to them about things.
However about a month of feeling settled, my silly brain reverted back to getting into states, I was struggling to sleep, the bed which was like a cloud, felt horrible, and my room everyday felt smaller and smaller.
The reality was i was started to not feel right were i was even though at the same time it was everything that i needed? odd how you can have conflicting emotions like that.

One day i just said to myself right enough of this i need to change something in my life,
so i started playing tennis, started going to the gym, I slowly was also helping my local community.
Around the year of 2016 things were looking a bit better, but i know i still needed help, I put in a self referral form In November and was told in December that at the start of 2017 i could have some more sessions.

I had 5 sessions yes only 5 of Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Which worked on coping methods a bit more, seeing if certain things was the cause of the problems.
For me most of the time there is no trigger why i feel the way i do.
Although the physically activities have made me feel somewhat better, and others it has not, and i still have a lot of days where i fall apart over nothing.

The second to last session, I had enough of not getting the support i needed i poured my heart out telling the chap from the mental health team how i feel.
He told me i can look into weather we can put you into higher care, to see what else we can do for you.
The week after which was my last session i get told i had a word with team and we dont think your at that level where you need the care.

I didnt say this to him but really felt like saying it, which is so god for bid if i have some good days that i sometimes score low on your sheets, and that just because i do not score over 20 on your out of date, scoring that i do not need the help.
The Fact is The mental health services in lincolnshire, have been getting worse and worse every year.
Because i have been helping out with the local community but also learning what is going off the world, i know what is also happening to our NHS.
Which mental health is a part of the funding the NHS get to help people who suffer with issues.
I went to a lincoln last year to watch a county council meeting, and one of the points was talking about the closures and downgrades to mental health services.

The Fact is i do no want to live this way in my life, and when you cant get the help what can you do other then keep trying to fight through it which at times seems impossible.

Most doctors In Lincolnshire do not even understand mental health and there solution to it is to tell you to get over it, that we all have bad days..... oh and here are some anti depressants.

After a year being told back and forth from the doctors and the mental health team that i do not need them, i then get given them, which i stopped taking after 2 weeks.
Main reason was i was finally getting the physical strength i needed to be stronger, and as soon as i started taking them i felt so weak.
I could not lift weights at the gym from when i first started, i was getting massive headaches, i could barely walk, and all the time i felt tired even after getting a good amount of sleep.
So i stopped taking them, Now yes i still feel very low on days but i felt stronger, and better able to cope with not being on them.

Oh i also forgot to mention that the doctor who gave me tablets was a different doctors, as this year after being with the same doctors since moving to Grantham and them not helping me, i decided to change.
Which did not help as i saw 2 different doctors who told me like i mention to get over it (: yeah such really educated staff... not!!!

Anyway fast forwarding , I knew i was not going to get any help any time soon, i just kept fighting the depression back, trying new things out, to get myself out of the house, and joined up with a running club, so i was now doing running 2 times a week, tennis 3, and gym, 3-4 times a week.

At the start of this week, I was having very vivid and long dream, that when waking up i was remembering most of what i was thinking about.

which happens hardly ever, but on top of that i do not know why my brain just kept thinking of the things that i had dreamt about throughout the day, it felt like my life was on auto pilot and that was not really doing anything during the day.
It was also extremely hot and had been all week, which anything over 20c and i really struggle, i get headaches i can not focus on what i am doing, and i find most of my days in bed letting time fly by.

Monday night was a lot cooler, as i completed a 7k run, which i really struggled with and fighted to keep going i got back home my feet killing, legs felt like rubber and i felt good that i went for the run but i also felt low, and felt miserable again for no reason.

I woke up Tuesday not feeling great but knew i had to snap out of it as I had a important rest of the week to go, so i booked a tennis court to practice ready for the match, and then find myself leaving after a hour as i could not cope with the heat.

Still not feeling well on Wednesday i had 2 hours of tennis, but also the final run to end the coach to 5k course i had been doing with the running club.
It was over 20c as we set off running, and 4 times i had failed to do 5k only managing 3k due to the heat and that day was no exception.
In fact it was one of the worse runs i had done, I loved the route we went on but i was struggling so much, that i really did not feel well when i got home, and i think i pulled something in my leg.
Hoping it would heal because going onto the day where is why i am writing this blog post, the biggest test of my life so far.
I had been asked to play in a team for tennis club, a month a go, and with 2 matches having to be cancelled i was really looking forward to it.
The weather also a little cooler as well so i did not have to worry about not feeling well.

I got there early to work on my serves, and just before we started we was told the match format.
So in tennis the score are, 15-30-40 game etc and depending on how well the other team play , the scores can be 15-15, 30,30-40-40 and then going to deuce and advantage etc.
After which 1 game would be won, so when your told your going to be playing 13 games, in 3 doubles matches making it 39 games, that really knocked my confidence before it has began.

I wanted to enjoy the matches but also play the best i have ever done, and well the people me and my team mate were playing was just out of this world.

People who had been playing for 20+ years with such powerful serves making it hard to get a return back.

After a hour, i was starting to feel ill, my feet heavy, my vision going strange and playing like i forgot how to play,

I started to get frustrated at myself and missing most of the serves, and the more i tried the worser my game got.

I also kept forgetting where to postition myself, as in doubles you have to much to think about.
If your team mate has a strong serve meaning its hard for the other team to return then you have to be close to the net, and then stand back to the line for the second serve if he misses.
then if your team mate is serving and your at the net, its deciding where to postion yourself on every shot, do you stay at the net in case they hit a soft shot you can counter, if they hit it close to the net but on the other side of the court you then have to chase for it.
Or even having to run backwards if they try to lob it over you.

I am not going to into all the details of tennis but trust me when i say that is only 1 set of things you have to think about when playing tennis.

I enjoy tennis the most, but i have never played at a competitive level, and that is only 1/5 of the skill level i would say, i think a lot of times people who watch tennis who have never played it.
Go oh its just hitting a ball, how boring, or that looks easy, when trust me you will not be saying its easy when you have a go playing in a tough competitive game.
Most sports are the same, they look easy but you do not realize how much physically strength is needed, the things you need to learn about, your brain makes so many decisions within just a second its amazing.

For me i am no where near the physically standard i need to be, and although i enjoy everything i do, its really took its tole.
Because i suffer most days with my stupid depression i have to push myself to try even harder and most days after coming back from running or tennis, i end up doing mostly nothing else all day.
Having to soak my feet in a bowl for a hour trying to get them to heal, while trying to stop my shoulder and legs from hurting.
which then makes me feel low because i hurt so much and the cycle never stops
Now people who do not know me, may go really all this because you do rubbish on your first big match, grow up, etc.
Its not just the fact of the match, i felt like this for weeks, in pain i know sport is never a easy things but if its really hurting so much that it also makes you feel rubbish about yourself then you start to think is it worth it.
I just starting to burst out crying, my head banging, i got hardly any sleep, and woke up feeling dizzy.
I got out Friday to have a game of pool with some friends for a hour but even that i was struggling and just wanted to go home to go to sleep.

Expect for the physically i also feel as a person that i am looping back to how i was when my depression first hit.
my aniexty being a bit factor that i cant go to a event without the stupid thoughts in my brain thinking people are laughing at me or looking at me funny even though i know they are not my brain at the time thinks otherwise.
I struggle to talk to people as in a normal conversation, and in the last few months that has only gotten worse.

If a photo is being taken, i tend to hide away, even though i am confident of taking selfies and taking photography. ... confused ???

I have missed so much in my life because of my own actions, i missed Park run today which was Our runnings club Graduation because i feel so rubbish but also just feeling so confused weather i should stop playing tennis and doing the running.

I miss out on going to events with friends because of either money or again knowing that i would want to leave or not feel right.

Even today there is a carnival going with lots of things going off that i want to capture photography.
But instead i am sat not feeling well, sat in my own stupid miserable thoughts.

I went out to get shopping this morning, and my legs just hurt so much, weather that is from pulling something from tennis or that could even be my depression making me feel worser then i am.

I do not want much in life, but the one thing i wish i could have would be getting help that i need.
what breaks us makes us stronger, i have said that a lot, but even at times i question that saying.
So i might bounce back stronger then i am feeling but again at what cost if everytime it bounces me back to how i feel right now, confused on what i wanna do in life.
I thought i had my depression at least a bit under control and that i was happy because i was changing my life, i was stronger happy, i made friends, i help my community, and i had at least something to do everyday, now i just feel like a wreck.
My friends say to maybe take one thing off your list your doing, but there lies the circle again, when i dont have a lot of things to do, my demons fight back, and on the other hand when i am doing so much, that i have no strength to fight they can win anyway .. AHH!!!!

I just wish that i could be a normal person, in society terms that i could just hang out with friends have a night out listing to music, and enjoying life, i want to explore and there is so much i wanna do, but just end up living the same circle off staying in a room on my computer, ahh life.

The only good thing i can say is that the last few months mental health has been talked about more and more, and i have started to surrounded myself with people who understand.
To me if i am friends with someone who tell me to get over it then, they are not my friend and they do not understand what i go through.
so my advice to everyone is, people who suffer are not classed as mental just because it has mental in the title, we all suffer from mental health, at some point in our lives, its not nice and at times we need to have that support that care from friends, etc to bounce back, so please if you have a friend who is struggling, reach out to them, talk to them and help, them, even if you cant help try and find someone who can (:

Thank you for reading

My social Links

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/

  https://twitter.com/DanMediaP
https://twitter.com/HLincolnshire

https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC

https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/

http://dmpuk.weebly.com/

How Helping Lincolnshire Started and where i want it to go !!! | DanielMarshallAdventures

In this Blog post i am going to be talking about where my journey started on helping the local community.

I wanted to start my own business creating video content for businesses, from showcasing products, to interviews and much more.

Sadly my depression got in the way a lot, and the more i focused on the business element the more i lost interest in the love of making the videos.

So Instead i still wanted to help my local community, bit by bit and instead of worrying about getting x amount of clients a week or i wont get paid.
I just started seeing what events were going off and capturing the moments.

as i was learning to make videos, i got in touch with the local food bank to create some videos
one of which was a tour around the food bank which you can see here

i was learning how to direct where people needed to be, how loud they needed to talk and then of course it the editing process.
I love editing but sometimes it can cause my depression to be worse due to the fact i want the video to turn out how i have it in my mind and sometimes spending hours learning about different techniques and them not working just makes you loose the love of what you do.
It was a experience, and my video quality was not amazing back then either but it was a learning curve a chance to help the community and network with people.

In September, I noticed, news about The Closure of Grantham A&E, I wanted to help out but was not sure how.
I decided i was going to March with everyone but at the same time capture it with photos and videos.
so that i could help spread the word more.
which you can see the video above



Around this time i was still learning photography, and as i helped out more with the Marches around Grantham, people really liked the photos i took.
I started connecting with the local campaigners and even had the chance to Film a election.

The most important part of what i do is not the photography or videos but the social media marketing.
Getting the content out there, in the right places, so that more people can be a part of helping out.

Its also about getting the message out there on what is happening to the local hospital but also what is happening to our NHS.

I went into 2017 feeling like a new person, wanting to help out even more, it was also learning more of whats going off in the world, and in a way growing up and becoming a adult.
I never took life serious, and although in some ways i am still the same person in others i am not.
I have more awareness, i have more self control, and i am learning to come out of my shell and connect with people.

Even though i am not running my business, i find it so much easier and better to do the videos and photography.
sometimes it can be stressful, to pump out the stuff i have been working on, quickly but just seeing everyone like and share my stuff is a awesome feeling.
Knowing that i am helping out as well, is its own reward i dont get paid to do what i do.
I love being able to capture everything, i dont do it for praise for money, i do it because i want to, i do it because i want to help lincolnshire grow.

Around this time, the tennis i was doing at Grantham Tennis Club was helping me so much that i wanted to help back, did a small bit of photography, and made some videos to help promote the feeling good project.
Then one day i had a idea that if i am starting to help businesses bit by bit that i need a platform to spread the word of any local business, any events, offers etc.
So Helping Lincolnshire Twitter was born.
Some people may think that using social media just to retweet stuff is boring and will not help.
In my eyes, if you get a good following going, and retweet events and things that business are posting, then the more times it gets out there the more people will know whats going off.

Social media is such a powerful tool that a lot of people dismiss or hate using.
For businesses its key and every business needs to not only use social media but on a frequent basis.

I do the same for my facebook page Dan Media Productions, i turned it from just my stuff to a mixture of advertising businesses and my own posts.
I could often post a lot of personal stuff on there like my blog posts.
Now a few people may say whats the point having everything on one page, it looks messy its unprofessional, you need to keep your private life and business life separate.
To some they may want that but for me its just not me, i tried to be 2 different people and have 2 different outlooks in life.
To be honest i am me, and i have only got this far in life but being open, and letting people know who i am business me and normal me.
People can know the bad side of me and the good side i am not bothered because i would rather be open and show that i care and want to help then be someone i am not !!! (:

I started to also branch out in my work to cover live events such as gigs.
In fact in my business plan was a goal to expand from just business videos to live events.
I know i dont have the best camera in the world for events.
That is why with everything else in my life i choose to do it as a hobby.
It makes me happy, its brought me more out of my shell then ever, and i have built a wonderful community around me.

So the next steps for helping Lincolnshire would be to cover some events in villages, places that dont get much attention.
keep improving my networking skills so once i have covered a event someone might approach me and say do you want to help out with this event.

I may not be smart, i may not know history, and sometimes not all together there but i accept who i am i accept that i love my computer to much, because without it i would not be able to help the way i do.

I may not be a social media marketing expert but i do know enough and have the time where businesses do not to help them grow.

My business did not start because i dont know a single thing how to run one its because of my mental health.
everything happends for a reason and without stepping down the idea of running my business i would not have had the amazing journey ive had and is still growing.

in just under a year i went from not knowing what i wanted to do in life and feeling whats the point in life, to being a new and open person full of life, happiness, caring and just wanting to be a part of something (:

So i wanted to say a big thank you to my local town of Grantham for helping me on this journey, and that i hope in time Lincolnshire can keep growing !!!

Thank you for reading
here are my social links (:

my social links

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/

  https://twitter.com/DanMediaP
https://twitter.com/HLincolnshire

https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC

https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/

http://dmpuk.weebly.com/

 

The real me, the open me now and forever !!! | Daniel Marshall Adventures

I have pondered if i should write this or not and you can see that i made my mind up.
Before i really start this post i want to say that i do not care what people think of me, in the sense of bad comments, or people not understanding, i do not care if this has a negative impact in my life, i also do not care if people from my past read this, i have learned to be fully open knowing that i exposure myself to people giving my funny looks, laughing at me, and looking down at me.
but i would as i always say to people rather be who i am weather i am depressed werido that people hate then lie to myself, to who i am and to how i come across to people.

So let me tell you how it feels to live my life, how we as humans often feel, maybe this will open peoples eyes up to how mental health can impact people, how mental health is not something to be looked down on and how people with mental health are just normal human beings just wanting to be heard.

I urge if you have a bad comment, that you first research and double make sure what your reply is,
there is nothing worse then someone telling you to get over it and to grow up, when people who do have similar  issues can understand you better and know its not as easy as a lot of people seem to think it is.

As i have mentioned in a lot of posts i suffer from depression and anxiety as well as other things that i wont go into to much detail since i have already done so before.

I will say that at the moment i feel like i am having a mid life crises.

To sum the last year up, after having counseling and talks with other people, i am no closer to progressing with my life.

The State of the NHS gets worse everyday and that sadly impacts services such as the mental health.

I was told at the start of 2017 that i could have a chance to be put forward for an assessment.
Not one to see what services i need like counselling etc but to see what my conditions were, any further help, stuff that can be put on paper, to be used for other services to improve my well being.

I was then told a week later after my session, sorry ive had a word with the team and we feel you dont meet our criteria.

so because one week i may score the lowest on your silly little score sheets and the next be very high does not mean i should not be accepted for help ?

The mental health services are next to nothing in Lincolnshire, i have been given so many god dam, websites for online health. maybe for some people that helps them more then speaking to a person but for me i need that interaction, and to be told after so many sessions that your time is up and if you want more help to re apply in 3 months time really does not make you feel better.

The past year over 5 months between services has been waiting time.
I have exhausted every resource, every link everyone gives me, and national links are a waste of time because again, if your not in a area with that support and the funding to back, then you will not be getting any help, just be told to go elsewhere 50+ miles away which you cant afford.

on top of all that which is the part some people will get angry at, not do their research or take the time to understand me, because as soon as people hear the words ESA, you get the folllowing from those who think mental health is a joke.

how dare you take benefits that your not supposed to have, how dare you say you can not work, no wonder the state of the uk is going downhill with people who claim not to be able to work, moan moan moan.....

well let me educate you on why i can not work and maybe you would understand why mental health needs more funding and to be took seriously.

first off i would like to mention that, i have a lot of drive, ambition, i want things in life, i want my life to change, and one day i want my own business.

so lets look at what is stopping me, and before anyone who does not understand depression goes we all get like that, on a odd day yes but not as much as i do and a lot of people who suffer from this.

over the past 6 years i have had 4-5 jobs i think, and everyone i have lost, not because i did not like the job, nor the fact that i could not be bothered.

I put my heart into every job i had because i had a partner i wanted to support,
but even though my depression was not as bad when i was with this person because she kept me strong.
I always had my own wobbles, the lack of motivation, feeling low and crap about myself.
true fact is some people think depression is just a mind thing but it always impacts your body.
your brain shuts down the most important parts in your body to get over it.
so there are times where it takes all you have got just to get up and get something to eat.
sometimes walking to the shop takes you a hour to get the strength to and you feel all you wanna do is sit inside all day.

well thats how it felt at work, on top of the fact i always struggled to remember the most important bits of my job and having poor hand coordination skills.

through school i was always bullied always looked down upon because of how stupid i was.
because i could not tie laces big whoop. haha your 25 and you still cant tie lets all act like kids and laugh at him.

well this kid you want to pick on wishes he could be normally but sadly that is not the case, this kid you want to pick on, has some form of dysprixa which means i am not dumb i know how to tie a lace, how to peel but my hands go all stupid, and do the opposite.
even my parents got angry at me, and misunderstood me instead of understanding i might have a learning disability, i got told i was stupid, and that at my age i should be able to tie laces etc.

so you can see where my past depression comes from and i would say some of it today still comes from that.

i was told by my housing support worker, to apply for esa, because of these issues, because the fact that without being cocky, i have a creative mind, i am not dumb, i know a lot of things, i am also wise for my age because i have learned to cope by myself, and see the world for what it is.

i could not start my own business up because even doing things i love like photography and videos, there are days where, i feel low , upset, angry, i know i have to do things but i often have so little engry that it just gets pushed to one side, i have lots of creative ideas for my music, my own videos on my own channel where i talk about things but again, i can not get my ideas to reality because of my problems, which is exhausting and frustrating.
I have to try double the amount just to get the same results as some people because i either have no drive or a lot, there is no pacing no middle ground.
a lot of people have told me i need to a lot of people have told me to write a plan for the week etc but again when the depression hits that plan goes out the window, which leaves me with a pile of things all at once.

So yes i applied for esa, but i am now back on to jsa, because the doctor would not give me as the government call it a sick note, which my housing support worker was shocked and confused because although its been a year of battling to see if i needed meds i was not given anything until this week which was anti depressants.

many mixed reviews from so many people with depression about using this form of mediation.
some have really bad affects of feeling more low, well you get the picture.

the support worker said, that i have no idea how i will feel if i will be better or worse so could not understand why a sick note was not given.

TBH i am unsure myself about the tablets, i want to become better, because i do not want to be like this, but at the same time i fear what will happen.

the next question someone might ask me is but your really active and seem so happy, doing running, gym and tennis surely you dont have depression.
i can tell you a lot of morning i feel like i do not want to go even though they are my most happy places on earth.
I can tell you that some days i go with no drive at all, and end up feeling worse by going.
i can tell you that because my demons always fight back i have to push even harder which means, i end up hurting myself, sometimes feeling more low when i started, depression is a very extinguishing thing.

The first few weeks i started tennis which was the first place to make me happy, it was a hard thing to be around people but playing something i love meant that i was not focused on what people were thinking, or being close to people i just pushed it back and enjoyed the tennis.

this year is the only year i have started to take partly control over my aniexty and fears and to come out of my comfort zone but that does not mean my aniexty is cured i still have those bad days where i choose to walk away.

the Dysprixa also has affected the activities i do. such as gym, being shown over and over how to do something, watching very sharply taking everything in, psying myself up.
Then my hands and body goes nope you do it this way, brain goes no thats now how you was shown but it still does not listen which means i have to find new ways of doing the same thing.

Tennis is another factor, its already a close carefully hand coordination and watching skill, that people will make mistakes making the wrong move, but with me i know what shot i want to play and then my hands get all muddled up and then i get frustrated.
Because i know what i am doing, my body just does not want to communite with my brain at all.

I feel my life is one big circle in the fact that i want help, but every time i try to i just end up back at square one, i dont have the money to go on a day out, or to even take photography, i dont have money to buy things i want, and sometimes that little money i do save has to go on re buying things such as trainers for the sports i do, a electric razor because i have haemphilla, cant spell it, etc.

I feel like i am trapped, even though in a way i am in a much better situation then i was at the start of 2016 in my ways nothing has really changed.

I have learned to get over my past, and move on although i know some things in my past i never want back, i know like with all of us some things we do.
The mistakes in life to be undo, but then we stop and think, yes sometimes are lives may not have changed but in others is has.
for me i needed to experience what i did even if it was the worse thing ever to come out better, wiser and knowing my mistakes and the steps not to make them again.

I understand that i keep myself to myself, i understand i am a computer nerd, but that is who i am, i like to help my community the only way i know how.

I also know that my chances of connecting with people, may suffer from what i have said in this blog but as i said at the start, that is me, rather speak the truth and be punished then hide who i am.

People from my past may laugh, may still want to pick on me, bully me etc but i can tell you i dont care, i may not have the greatest of lives, be rich, be famous but i dont need all that.
I am happy being me, knowing i have tried the hardest i can is all that matter to me.
Ok it might be nice if i could learn to not be shy, learn to try new things in life and maybe open more doors in my life, but as someone once said to me.
Take little steps, dont run before you learn to walk, enjoy the little thing in life, everything happends for a reason you may not know the reason, you may not like the reason, you may question every outcome, but the world has a plan for you as some day it will all make sense (:

so yes i am a messed up weirdo, yes i have mental health issues, but i accept who i am and i would never change that about myself !!! ok minus the depression etc.

a lesson to take away from this is to treat people with the same respect, just because as society tells you may have a learning problem etc does not mean you should be treated like you are nothing.
learn to never hold a grudge, life is to short for that and you will learn that grude will keep haunting you until you learn to let it go (:

this blog may have seemed like a rant to some, this blog may have seem to be a little selfish, but its how i feel, its what i wanted to say and its your choice if you liked what i had to say or not (:

thank you for reading !!!!!!!

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/

 https://twitter.com/DanMediaP
https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC
https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs
https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/
http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/

http://dmpuk.weebly.com/

Saving Grantham A & E & National Protest March in London to SaveOurNHS |Daniel Marshall Adventures

On Saturday 25-02-17 The town Of Grantham came to march for their A & E To be re open to its hours it should be !!!
Thousands turned up with banners, catchy phrases like what do we want A & E when do we want it Now !!!
The town also showed its musical Talent with some amazing singing (:

I went to cover this event with Photography and video of the march and interviews.

I will leave all links to the videos at the end of this post.

As i explained in a video i did explaining 10 things you need to know to be a photographer, you need to be there at least a hour before the event starts.

Why well with thousands turning up to march, with banners etc there was a lot what needed to be captured.

If i had turned up at the time of the event starting i would not of been able to do this.

I turned up at 10 and even though there were not many people there to start with i managed to interview Jody Clark.

Be time i had done that more people how showed up.

I was not the only photographer or film crew there to capture footage.
so i was trying my best to be just as good but not to also get in the way of the others.

Sarah Stock was just about to be interviewed so i sneakily took a photo which you can see below



I managed to also interview Sarah Stock along with Melissa Darcey.
I took all the videos and photography I could before the march and was now time to Film the march.
as like with the last march i stood in the best spot to capture the start of the march.
I then kept running to make sure i was always In front of the crowd.
It is harder then you think to Film walking backwards, making sure you are not going to fall over, bash into anyone, while at the same time making sure you get the footage you need without it being poor quality.

My Job was far from over as i now had to get back to edit the photography and videos.
I had a feeling whenever i have anything big to cover my computer would play up which it did.

It kept freezing, crashing, and being slow.

After nearly 2 hours i managed to get it sorted and started editing the march, all the parts that was blurred, me running etc.
so that the march could be at its best quality, while the video was exporting, i was editing the photos which was going like a snail due to having 2 massive programs open.

The march video took 3 hours to export and just under a hour to upload.
being a video producer and photography does not mean your work stops when you post it.

you got to keep sharing it to different websites, different groups etc.
So that it reaches the maximum audience.

I was then Retweeting any posts, pictures and videos over on my Dan Media Productions twitter page and the new page i had created helping lincolnshire.

The process of editing the videos had really made me feel really down even though i wanted to get them up and did enjoy the day.

I still had 2 more videos to edit which i decided to leave to the next day,

at top of doing all the above i got flooded with likes, comment, shares that i had to reply to.

It was a amazing day of support from the community of Grantham
Lincolnshire Reporter who also was covering the event put my video in his article and i was so pleased that my work was going to get even more out there.

I had managed i would have to think about whether to still do videos, i did not get much time to think about this when i was asked to come along to the National Protest March in London to #SaveOurNHS From Cuts, Closures and Privatisation - Join 10s of 1000s of people from all walks of life - Doctors, Nurses, Patients and Campaigners will all March through London United for our NHS.

This event is going to be huge, although i was thinking about not doing videos, the need to want to do good and get known outweighs everything.
We are leaving around 7am which means i need to be awake at 5.30am and leave at 6.30 am.
we probably wont get to london to around dinner time.
Its going to be a long day, very busy, and lots to do, and we all will be looking to come back to Grantham i should think after 6pm.

which means that i will have to edit any photos and videos when i get back, and the next day to get them up as quick as i can.

If your covering a event there is no point putting content up a week later, it needs to be current,
so it can trend and get out there.

I am hoping my anxiety will not play up, i have been to London a few times and i have not enjoyed it not because of the place, but because of how busy the place is.

I can tell its going to be so much harder to film, i need to keep my ears and eyes open more then ever,
Not be afraid to beat the other photographers and film crews to the best spots to stand to capture the footage.
Again its not enough to capture it you need to know how to distribute the content, which i know how to do (:

I hope the day will go great, that the community will keep going as there will be abut 100 of us going from Grantham and because its a global thing, there will be people coming to the event from all over.

It will be a experience like no other, a test to see if i am a good photographer and video producer and it will improve my skills, networking and portfolio.
Thank you for reading look below for all links and videos (:
I also wanted to thank all of grantham for their support for my work (:









Thanks to Lincolnshire Reporter for adding my content which you can see their content here
http://lincolnshirereporter.co.uk/2017/02/video-passionate-grantham-residents-speak-ludicrous-ae-closure/





 




 


 

Grantham A & E March 25-02-17 Thousands turn up & Awesome Singing |DanMe...

Today I went out to Capture The Saving Grantham A & E march, thousands turned up to show their support, with banners, songs, and much more (: