By now you can tell that i moan a lot, sound like a old man, etc That is why i named this blog ramblings of a old man because once again i just need to get things off my chest how i feel right now ):
The past couple of days have just not been great mentally, and i have fount myself moping around most of the day on my computer not being able to even focus to watch tv shows fully concertinaing.
The weekend that has just gone was a great weekend.
I managed to play my best ever rounds of tennis, i felt happy.
I then after a few months decided to even go out of comfort zone and watch live bands again in Grantham, to which i took photography and was supposed to have posted a blog post about the evening by now !!!!!!
However i just have had no creative spark to write anything, i wanted to even write this post the day before but again i just seem to be standing at my computer most of the time or aimlessly struggling through the internet just so time can fly by.
I dont know what made me feel the way i have been the last few days as this is why its been so frustrating that i still cant get the help In lincolnshire, for my issues.
since i do feel depressed, i do suffer with aniexty, but also from a friend who told me i might be bi Polor due to how i feel which i will explain throughout this post.
On sunday, i had posted most of photography up of the night seeing the bands, it was a great night and i managed to stay, because i was upfront with my back to everyone so i could just focus on the music, seeing the performers and taking photography.
as i sat on my computer on sunday wanting to write the post, my mind just went blank.
Bloggers and writters often get this so i thought i would watch a few shows and maybe i could write it later.
as the day went by i started to feel worse and worse, to the point that, i switched my computer off and tried to take a nap.
the nap turned into me falling to pieces crying about nothing to start with, this happends a lot, i start to feel sad, and 99 percent of the time nothing i do make me snap out of it.
This then led into me thinking about my past.
The truth is the last year and a half since i broke up with my ex, i have tired so much to put it all behind me, get my head down and focus on being who i want to be, which is being creative.
For some reason, 5 out of 7 days, sometimes less differing each week, i think about my ex.
I think about the life we had, i think how much i miss her and how i wish i could turn back time.
Then i think, how much my ex decided to try and ruin my life after we broke up, depsite me causing the break up.
I think of how much she used her parents to come in between us all time that, all couples argue but for some reason she thought it was a good idea instead of sorting it between us to tell her parents all time.
even though she did i still loved her to bits, my only regret was not seeking help for my mental health years before we broke up, so that i could of got the help i needed, and maybe been a better position in life at this current time.
i think if she had learned to talk more about things, and i got the help maybe we would not of broke up. That said, i look back and have come to understand that all my life was depended on her, i never had friends and never tried to reach out for them because i was happy just spending time with her, which again i think if i did have friends, maybe it would have put less stress on us being together so we could have our own time to do things, i could go out and play tennis etc while she went to she her family, I realised now that there is more to life then just being with someone and have tried to much to explore different things to do.
as much as i have tired to cope on my own, grow up and seek the help, i still find it very hard to cope.
I find it hard to Motivate myself to do chores, which is partly to do with my depression.
when i was with my girlfriend, i used to the oppsite then i am now.
i would make sure the house was clean, do the pots, so that on the days she worked she didnt have stuff to worry about, and since i struggled to cook, due to my lack of hand corditation, it meant that i would help clean the pots, set the table etc while she cooked, often i would offer to help but she did not want it.
where as now i struggle to cook for myself, i struggle to often tidy my room, wash the pots etc.
its like if there was a inspection or i had a date come over for example, that need to have it nice, would make me do, and often i feel in life i need that little push for a few days to put me back on track.
but still just like back then, i have days where i know in my head i do not feel quite right, and that i am going to feel rubbish, when i had more then 6 hours spare time when my ex went to work, after 3 hours i would feel like i was losing my mind having nothing to do, and end up doing the same things over and over just to pass the time.
Now yes i do a lot of physical activites but i often still feel this way when i am not doing them.
its like things have changed in my life since the break up but some things havent.
which then puts me on a circle of a life of running out of money and having nothing to save up for a day out etc.
this is due, to the fact of craving even just a hour more happyiness in the day, weather that is, going to play pool, to buying a milkshake, chocolate etc.
it may seem silly that doing these things makes me happy, but it does, and if i try as much as possible not to waste money i find myself falling to peices again.
Going for a walk does not help, trying to have a nap, sleep, just anything does not make the pain go away, i can only hope for something to try and lift it and most of the time i just have to wait it out and wake up the next day trying to not let it take over my life again.
So going back to last few days, sunday was rubbish, i got a bad nights sleep, i woke up and just sat in bed for hours and had to force myself out to the gym, i put all my muscles into it hoping that i could force the pain away.
It worked, later that day i had a meeting with my support worker, about the next steps in my housing and support.
I was told for now we arent going to move you, and i did mention even though its not the best place in the world, i do feel happy with the place i am in,
They also starting filling in another Assesment form to give into the council this time trying to go into more detail about my learning difficults and other such things.
I explained to them i am going to chase up the mental health team about getting help as its been over a month since i re applied and still waiting to be seen by someone.
I only realised now as i write this i was supposed to do it today but with me feeling so rubbish i forgot
it seems ironic that everytime i have a good few weeks, and i have to fill in a sheet with scores that a few hours later that i go into this cycle of really bad depression.
its like my brain knows, and goes right thats enough happyiness you know must feel crap.
I got back home, again not thinking of anything bad, and just started to cry, after about 20 mins, i picked myself up, watched something to make me laugh and then headed back to the gym.
This time i went to do a watt Bike Class, the last one i did, i had to stop half way, i was struggling to move and catch my breath,
and had not gone back to the class since.
i had been working hard on my legs, due to wanting to go back to running after nearly having a month off, as i wanted to focus more on my tennis.
working on my legs pulled off, as i had my best session ever !!!!
The staff who took the class decided to set the hardest setting ever, with red zones lasting 2 mins !!!!
and it being a session off swapping to red and yellow only.
I was doing incredable well, managing it, 10 mins to go and i was struggling a bit but kept pushing through the pain and just listening to the music that was playing, as my brain is so tuned into music, i performed much better in those classes with the music then when i try to do it without.
5mins to go,i was sweating so much, my head hurting, my chest really hurting but i was adamant i will finish this class !!!!
The final 2 mins left my brain in the zone, i go from 80 percent to 90 percent in 10 seconds suprassing everyone elses bulid up.
faster, faster, it was like being in a wind tunnel, nothing was stopping me, i could feel being faster then i ever have when running and i was.
my best targets was a peak heart rate of 183 and getting to 97 percent.
i got to that level and pushed even further, i can honestly say i really dont know how the human body can some how find engry out of thin air, since i was really struggling with 5 mins to go, i had used everything up, and yet i managed to get to 99 percent !!!! not only that i held it for 40 seconds.
Before when doing weights and seeing the screen where the my zone belts track the people in the gym.
looking at the scores of people in the watt bike sessions on days that i was not and one person getting to 99 and thinking how on earth !!!
There i am managing to do the same, in life though its often when we acheive something that you do not get proof of it other then the people that was there at the time.
As i had stupidly forgot to bring my belt so it could send you the results after you finished, i had to have a demo belt on, which sadly does not keep the information since its not registered to anyone.
i walked off the bike, feeling dizzy, but such a rush, to the point it took nearly half a hour, and some cereal to bring me back down to earth.
I put a post up on Facebook saying that i was well impressed with my physical state, because i have never been fitter and stronger in my whole life, i just wished my mental health was the same.
it is annoying that i can acheive in life, but its always in leaps and bounds because of my mental health.
i either really struggle, or i really achieve, this is no middle ground where i can stay level and acheive every now and then while still doing great overall.
sadly when comes the highs comes the lows again a hour after settling down relaxing did i suddenly fell apart again, and had yet another bad nights sleep, with having lots of nightmares.
One point throughout the night, i woke up chocking, as i felt like i was drowing, something i have not felt in over a year and really scared me.
well i did that, i set a alarm that i cant remember turning off, and did not wake up till 10.30,
my body was hurting, and i just laid there for 10mins looking at the dam wall !!!
i managed to finally crawl out of bed got something to eat and thought write i need to write this blog post about the music.
Yet again nothing was coming to mind, and again ended up watching some stuff online.
Again i dragged myself to the gym, The watt bike class later in the evening was a mixture between the bike and doing intensive workout off the bike, something i have tired before and did it was not really my thing.
Instead i asked if it was ok if no one was using the studio to set up a class, for myself so i could try and get a good record with this time remembering my belt.
The kind staff there set it up, with music and disco lights on !!! hehe, i chosen a less intense workout then the day before and away i went.
I did not beat any targets, but i was happy i tried and enjoyed the session, and here was the results
I only wished i could have seen the stats of the other day as i know they would of been off the charts and my aveage effort would of been something like 88-90 percent (:
Then something really pissed me off and upset me which then made me think about things.
I am joined in a lot of groups on Facebook, just groups to get to know each other, and have fun.
I Joined a group called Banter 18+ and like every group i am in, i introduction myself, like where i am from, what i like doing etc.
Never had a problem in these sort of groups, until today.
I got comment after comment, of dising me, hateful comments, even very nasty ones.
One person said who is that in your picture, with you, i said my best friend which is the truth.
they laughed and said i thought it was a support worker, and put as if thats your friend.
I put it is with a smile and they just took the piss.
after getting 10+ comments i contacted the admin, who didnt even a dam, and also starting taking the piss.
I dont mind banter, i dont mind having a laugh but i will not have the piss took out of me for no reason.
I dont find it funny, i just think its sad that some people have nothing better to do with there lives then to sit on Facebook, and troll people.
Of course this set my off and started making me think lots of things of how badly people have treated me since i was much younger.
I remember nearly everyday, i was bullied from being beaten up, to nearly ever p.e lesson having my bag took, and things being missing when i got it back, the head teacher and teachers doing sod all to deal with it.
I remember having to use the issue to go to toliet every time i had spanish class because The Teacher who took it was never hardly there and all we would have it temp teachers who the moment had there back to me or left the class for a few moments, the kids would throw stuff at me and say nasty things to me.
Of course my dad not making anything better with everytime i came home with something missing, went up the wall , and when i say mad i dont mean shouting i mean really dam mad.
If it was not being bullied at school it was kids shouting outside the windows of cars passing by, calling me names.
Everytime i caught the bus home, i had things thrown at me etc.
Then years later when i am trying to make friends online because of my fear of getting to know people, do i get people messing me about and people who knew the people who bullied me and thought it was funny to do the same.
When you think, 8 years later that people would of grown up and moved on, you contact a few people you knew from school, not the once that bullied me but just people from my school.
To then be called names, I replied saying at least i am not trying to be this junked up thug thinking they are better then everyone, still acting like a school kid thinking they are in the cool gang and wanting to call people nasty names cause they have nothing better to do with their lives.
of which then them saying at least i dont flinch everytime someone is near me.
its like well der..... cause i will, since most of the people i knew from school just wanted to beat me up, of course that makes me some kind of creep, a faggot, a idiot ????? these are the names people from my school thought of me.
I just do not get why kids are bring brought up to think they are all cool, and that to them, making others feel crap about their lives gives themselfs happyiness.
is there lives that empty, and boring they cant get on with their own lives?
I would say is just the male gender that does it but the females are just as bad.
I also Remember trying to meet some females from the net, again because my social skills in the real world are next to none.
to then be make a fool again, by ringing them up saying where are you, to either get them laughing on the phone saying as if i meet you, you ugly twat, etc and that person i was going to meet being with their friends to also play there sick game of lets laugh at the twat.
or it was the exuse of a day later getting a text saying sorry i was in Hosptial, for one person you think well maybe there might of been some truth to it.
but over a course of years getting the same exuse from about 5 different women, about their dad is in there, or someone, to people even refusing to give out their phone number after arranging the meet so that i could ring to make sure they are there.
All my life weather its online, or offline i just seem to be played like some kind of fool all the time.
some people can not be honest with me and make lie after lie up and when the people are honest its abusive, and nasty !!!!!
People expect me just to get over my problems, my issues etc and yet how can i when if its not my own problems stopping me in life its other people,
Again this somehow makes me the issue that i am a monster a creep etc, and yet is wanting to be accepting, wanting to talk to people really a monster????
A prime example of people not being able to be honest and making up lies because they just do not want to talk to you, is Facebook.
I have never been able to get over the fact of approaching a woman, just to have a chat and become friend in the real world, that is not me i hid behind my computer where i feel confident and i am able to be the person i want to be and talk to people.
Because i have been helping my local community so much it would be nice to connect with more people in my local area weather that be males or females.
Other i have had bad luck with the way women reply to me on social media, i still for some reason find it easier to be able to find a few people to talk to rather then males who normally take the piss out off me, i am lucky that i have some great male friend in my life, through my networking skills and through gym, tennis etc.
The other day i contacted this woman, who lived in Grantham, and went to college in Grantham, stated by her profile,
so i sent her a message just simply saying that i wanted to get to know people across the local area.
Her reply was i am not from Grantham, i replied emm yes you are it states it on your profile, she then replied with oh it must be a mistake with a wink face, and before i had chance to reply i was blocked !!!
Like really why are people not brought up with manners anymore, and why do people find it funny to a not be truthfully and b not play silly games.
I can take a rejection on the chin if someone said to me, for example sorry not looking for anymore friends etc, but when someone decides to lie and find it funny, then it annoys me.
Then people wonder why i have aniexty, that is why.
my aniexty has gotten worse over the last few months that unless i am foucsing on what i am doing, i find it hard to be around others.
take the music events i go to, if there are 3 band playing with each band taking a 10min break before the next one is on, i find myself, looking around, making sure no one is to near me, i go on my phone for no reason not because i am bored, but because unless i am doing something, i feel on edge, i start to panic, which had often lead to me leaving gigs early.
Same when i am at the gym, can be room full of guys all, just foucsing on what they are doing and yet will i go in there, no because i dont want people looking at me, i am not as strong as most people in the gym, and i often do things wrong, so i dont want to seem like a fool.
When i am avoiding a room full of people i end up drinking water when i do not need, to standing there looking like a idiot, waiting for my friend to finish on the equipment, or whoever is on it.
when i workout on my own at the gym, your suppose to take a min break after ever set, and yet i dont because again, i feel silly if i have nothing to do, which then ends up me hurting my body because its not had the rest it needs.
If my most happy place at tennis, i am often like this, i am not as bad but still unless i am doing something, i just end up falling to bits.
This has been my circle of life, i want to achieve so bad to prove people wrong that i put my body through so much.
i want to explore more of Lincolnshire, and do more things in life, which involves being social and being the public view but again i often back away from things because of being scared of people around me or doing something new.
I want to make friends but i have to resort to sending messages to people online because i can not just strike a convo up with someone.
I often here as well people to say so much, your still young, it takes time,... Time is the word that i heard so much.
For me i view time as after a year and a half after the break up, i am still no closer to getting help with my problems, time lost being stuck in the house, due to my problems, time lost, doing nothing all day when i have things to do.
Losing time everyday, because my aniexty seems to only be getting worser day by day.
so when someone turns around to me, and says you will get used to it.
I say to myself, how??? I exhausted all options to try and be the person i crave to be.
I have tried all opitions to get help to get permanent housing, to do things to make me happy???
Yes i may do sports, gym, running, pool, photography, videos, music, blogging, social media marketing, and other things, and yes maybe i have come a long way since the start of 2016 ???
In my own opinion i cant think of a reason that i have come along way when i still feel a wreak in life.
It gets that bad that, i have to crave physically actives even after doing them earlier in the day and my body hurting, to get out of the house, to try even for a hour to feel some kind of happyines !!!
I try to think everyday that if i stand a chance with finding more friends or finding someone to be with, that might help my life become better again, that i need to keep trying in life, keep pushing harder and harder to achieve???
How can i expect to have that when i am so messed up,
I remember having a talk with someone, about mental health, and they said they could not be with someone who struggles a lot in life because it would affect their live.
on one hand i agree but on the other i dont, i think if you really like that person for who they are, you would learn to be there for them and help them through dark times.
Depression like with most things comes in many stages, one of which is loneliness, even i have to admit this that i crave the attention but why do i???
I just simply did not have it most of my life, from my dad that was abusive to my mum, and never having that caring element in my life, to being bullied at school and having no friends, and to even being told i would never acheive in life by people.
A element inside me wants to try with everything i have to prove them wrong,
Maybe thats why some people in my local community support me and talk to me because of my stupid ramblings, i dont know but i crave attention because i never had it in my life.
I can understand by my own actions and others that i often possible post to much about my life, i often possibly moan to much, and possibly annoy people that way who knows?
I think sometimes we live in such a cruel world that, people look down on others who struggle more then themselfs, that people are so quick to judge someone on their age, the way they look or act.
I think that people see and hear about a depressed person, and choose not to speak to them because they are a werdio etc.
One of my main worries is that when i manage to find someone to be with, would i go back in the same cycle of not wanting to do my own things.
I have built a life around me that i dont want to get rid of it, but because it is the attention i crave, when i able to seek it will it just take over my life.
For some reason when talking to older women i always seem to get on better with them, i think because they are much wiser, been through a lot, and stuff like that, it just makes me feel more safe knowing they wont judge me.
I take that attitude that i do not judge, my dad was awful at that, and everytime he saw someone who was not English he would take a immediate disliking to them.
I am just a open because i dont judge someone on their age, looks, sex, etc.
i think i also take that same approach to friends and dating, a lot of people will say sorry your not my type which really is not a answer but oh well, or to young to old, i only date black people like wtf lol,
me i am just happy talking to anyone, who is accepting of me, who does not judge on my past, or what i look like etc, who understand me and can have adult talk about things.
I am not a robot, i am human, i know when to have a laugh at the right times i know how to have fun, i am just simply a educated person rather then someone who likes to take the piss out of others, just so they can look cool in front of their friends (:
so yeah you may hate me, you may have heard things about me from other people,
but you know what i dont care, if your that low minded to think that way i am better off not knowing you (:
it is always better in life to have a few friends that you talk to a lot and are there for you then to have 2,000 friends on Facebook, thinking your popular, when you probably do not know all of them, you just like the fact of showcasing a number !!!
its took me a long time to bulid my life this far, i have learned to stand up for myself, to not let bullies walk over me, and to prove to people that i have something to offer, not by wanting money but just to help and to feel accepted in return (:
this has been a really long write for me its gone 2am as i am finishing this, and probs wont wake up till 11am, but if writing this makes me able to have a better day tomorrow then i will happily be a mad man and write !!!!!
Thank you for Reading
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