Ramblings of a confused man ????/ Recovery college ??? 29-09-17 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

That time again where i was meant to be creative and have ongoing blog posts that need to be done but just do not have that creative spark or drive, been debating weather to write this for nearly 2 hours now !!!!
Its not been a great week at all, and is why i feel i need to write to get my thoughts away.
Before i get into the bad week i wanted to explain about the kinda of good news I got today.

So as some of you may know who reads my blog posts, since 2016 i have battling with the lack of support by the mental health services.
In life, it so ironic that you not told about services that are offered by the same company at the same place you have been going to for other kinds of help !!!!
This week while playing tennis, i got talking to someone about anxiety and about the useless course i was given to me last week a course that i had waited 6 months for !!!!

The course i was given by the mental health services, aka steps to change, was a group  anxiety course.
Now on the letter it did not explain what it entailed, so in my mind i thought it would be like getting to know each other, group activities to help get of the fear of talking to people and being in the room with others ???

As i arrived for my first session, i had to fill out the thing that should be banned which is the stupid so how have you felt over the past 2 weeks with about 12 questions, of a score based between 0-10 !!
To me when you have had a bad week, or even a good week, we as humans do not mark ourselves on score, we often do not put the correct score depending if that week has been good or not.
This then often leads to not getting further help because they base their decision on the stupid score system and oh no if you did not score high you dont get the help you need !!!!

I filled it in but i swear if i get given it again, even if i kick up a fuzz i am not filling one in ever again.
Instead much like my private counseling i have been having that i will explain a little more later on, even they argeed with many people that, it should be banned and the way the trust deals with patience's is very poor.
The private counseler even said that she had enough of following their workings and that talking to someone about their issues and accessing what help is needed is better then asking someone to rate how they feel !!! 

So going back to the talk with someone at the tennis place, they mentioned that at the same place i go to they do recovery courses also known as recovery college.
These are aimed at group interactions, which is what is should be about.
if you want to find out more about it you can here (:
http://www.lpft.nhs.uk/our-services/adult-services/recovery-college

So why on earth after having 12 weeks of counseling, 5 weeks of CBT, did the same trust never ever mention about this !!!!!!! its nuts.
I then was talking about my anxiety to a friend that i went to for a social meet, and they knew about it and gave me the number to ring.
That is what i did i have got an appointment to talk about the courses like a enrollment, does not mean that the 18th October i have this that i will get instant help.
As they run a lot of different taster courses and core courses, from understanding stress, aniexty and a lot lot more !!! something that i have been wanting this whole time (: here is a little brief write up of a section of a email i just got explaining about the courses.
Your enrolment at the College will last one year. The College runs on a three term academic year. During the first two terms we recommend you taking a mixture of ‘taster sessions’ and ‘core sessions. In your final term, to prepare you for leaving the College, we would recommend you take our ‘moving on’ courses. At enrolment we would make sure you are not overwhelming yourself by taking too many courses, therefore, we would advise a maximum of eight courses during the academic year.

all courses are free, you dont need to bring ID, or anything with you, and i believe as long as they dont overlap your allowed to go onto as many as you can.

I do suffer with both depression and anxiety, and with having private counselling just from the last month, has helped more then the time i have had with the trust.
I was told by the trust 2 months a go when i got a phone call about the anxiety course, that i do seemed to suffer from aniexty the most and i cant say i do i think both are just as bad as each other.

So i am really helping that this recovery college will be the next steps to make me a much more confident person (:
Anxiety is a big problem for me on top of being really shy to meet new people and talk to people.
Unless i am talking about my photography, things i am passionate about or even having a common intrest with that person, i am a totally different person and just struggle coping with making conversation.

Over the past year i have tried as much as possible to force myself out of my comfort zone.
Weather that is meeting with a group of people, to even going to local music gigs.
Most of the time at music gigs i end up leaving due to a overwhelming about of people near me.
In group meets i seem to latch onto one person to talk to as trying to talk to different people just makes me feel on edge, my heart races, i get into a panicked state and just want to leave.

From experience of that i now know that group meetings are just not my thing, the last few months i tried to challenge myself to going to a local social event held once a month in Grantham at a wonderful place.
I have been there 3 times and everytime i just sit there quiet, looking awkward, Its been good going though as i met another photographer, and someone who passed on the details of the counselor i am seeing now (: 
Its often frustrating though, as i dont want to be like that, i dont want to have the need of people coming to me to start the convo, or seeing me quiet and talking.
What i want is when i go to group meetings, is to go in feeling confident, start a talking point off, then go talk to someone else and make friends, yet something just wont snap to make that possible.
Even everyday life i am the same, I love playing tennis, and expect for someone talking to me again starting a talking point off. I often find myself to focused on my tennis then being social.
At the gym, i have got better at talking but still will avoid the chance to meet new people and just focus on what i am doing.
I just seem incapable of talking, a lot of people say what you complain about  just go and do it !!
like der that is what i am trying to do, those people do not know how hard and how taxing it is on yourself pushing yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes it can make you feel worse because of the pressure of having someone telling you just to do it.

I think a lot of people do not know this side of me because i am mostly known as the man with a camera.
I use that to have my confidence and through that i seem to be able to network with people and even talk, its nuts how much of a different person i am just with a camera in my hand (:

Now i will go into the past few weeks and why the last week had been my worst in a long while.
Every week i have meetings with the counselor, talking about my past, my emotions etc.
Every week, for about a hour i feel drained at the end because when you drag so much history up, that you have buried then it impacts not only your mind but your body.
After that though i feel pumped for the day so getting things of my chest really helps.

2 weeks a go I was talking about my photography and what i do for the community,
and she mentioned when was the last time you just went out and took photos for yourself, exploring and capturing what you see.
I said to not in a while, because its been so business and event based, which is nothing wrong with that, but obvious it can be very tiring and demanding.

I took on board what she said and the next day went out for a wonderful walk, i often go by the saying everything happends for a reason, and its true.
In that moment of exploring lead me to enter a photography competition, which was for the Lincolnshire Rivers trust, they loved my photo so much that it was used on Facebook as their cover for the event coming up in Grantham (:
That week started off great because I was in the Journal about my work, only a few days before.
Sadly by the end of the week things went downhill very fast.
Friday 22nd, started epic as i played my best tennis ever, was really happy.
Got home had a shower, something to eat, then a few hours later started to feel strange.
This feeling was not new as Because i have suffered so long i have this sense that i do not feel right, like i am not sad or upset but now really happy either.

By 6pm i had set myself a plan, as i was going to see a local music artist, I started listening to music, and then just after 7.30pm, I could hear shouting over the music.
So I looked outside to see people shouting at each other, and then 5 mins later Police car turning up.
This of course put me on edge a little, even though, it was nothing to do with me, and my brain should not be stupid to get worked up, it did.
I was late leaving due to wanting to wait till it had quieten down, which made me walk faster in my highten state .

I got there, and settled myself thinking right i got my camera to take photos and enjoy a wonderful night, yeah that did not happen.
I could not get comfty, again i did not feel sad but i did not feel really happy either.
After the artist said he was taking a small break, i decided to leave.
Walking back i suddenly without thinking of anything got upset, felt panicked, just being a total idiot.

I got back and for i think 20 Minutes, just sat there about to cry not doing anything.
brushed it aside and started editing the photos i managed to take hoping the next day will be better.
I had managed to dead sleep, where you feel like you have had tons more sleep then you have, which often you will have a headache, feel dizzy, hot, and just do not want to get out of bed.
I set my alarm for 9am and just switched it off, and re woke at 10am.
My body struggled to move but i know i wanted to play tennis later on that day.
90 percent of the time tennis with it being my happy place, snaps me out of it, but there are days where again it makes you feel worser.
That is what happened as, to say i am very physical fit, and no not in looks wise haha but like my speed etc, i just could not move my feet, i could not play at all, it was like i had forgotten how to do anything.

Of course this lead me to feel annoyed at myself, not having good games and making me feel crap about myself walking back home.

I knew i had other stuff to do throughout the day like writing 2 blog posts, one still not being done as i write this one !!!
I had no creativity, and that whole evening was spent in my bed watching shows and feeling awful.
The next morning i felt the same as the other night with dead sleeping again.
A few hours after waking up, i knew i needed to go out as the event for the photography competition was on.
I was glad i went as it cheered me up, with seeing loads of cats on the way back and taking photos of them (:
overall i was not back to normal but i felt a bit better, it did not last long as for the 3rd night i felt like i had more sleep then i did.
For most of Monday, was spent in bed, did not even go to tennis as seeing the counselor again was changed to a Tuesday for that week.

I did have something to look forward to which was doing Cardio at the gym in the evening.
This lead to more being annoyed at myself as i could not push myself as hard as i had been doing.
for some reason my mental state was really affecting my physical body a lot.
Tuesday was a better day, only because of talking about things again, i was now feeling 90percent better !!

The next day was tennis, and i did a bit better, but by the end i felt rubbish again, and did nothing else after that until the evening for more cardio which again was not getting the results i was used to.
This time I had managed to lock my legs and cause a lot of pain, which of course i felt miserable again, ahhh !!!

This leads me onto the last 2 days , expect for last night, I had nearly dead sleeped for a week !!!
all week i had not had the drive i was used to, as mentioned towards the start, was the group meeting, and i mostly talked to the one person i had known from other meets, plus i was still not feeling my usual self.
Today was just a miss match of feelings, as 1 opportunity i had was gone, and another re arranged so my plans for the day changed.
I went to play tennis, and once again, i just fell apart, would not be as bad if i was making wrong decisions like we all sometimes do with anything in life.
its when your body does not want to move, your coordination skills go out the window and you just feel like why am i even bothering anymore.
This week has just been horrible, not because of the things i have done but because i have not been able to control how i have been feeling which had then had a negative impact on doing those things.

I have tried to relax and let the day go and hope for a better day that did not work, i tried taking a good grip on reality and that had the same results.
I just do not know at the moment why i feel the way i do, as i should be happy, my photography is going places, so why i am not happy ???
I just feel so confused right now, lost in my own thoughts.
I miss so much in life because i either leave early, i do not bother going, and when i do my social skills are nothing, i want to experience so much more in life and yet how can i even be accepted because of my mental health, how can i do these things when, i can not stay ??? AHH !!!!!

I think for now i have written enough as this has took 2 hours out of my day not that i am doing anything with it lol.
For me i try to always improve on things, and push myself its just so how when the demons are fighting back harder and harder every month, like the more i achieve the stronger they get.

When i have more details over the course at the recovery college, i shall do a update post but for now i just somehow need to snap myself out of what ever the heck is going off with me at the moment (:
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Where i see my life, and the Future of Lincolnshire | Daniel Marshall Adventures

After over 60 Blogs i have written, what can i say I love writing, Yes i have poor spelling and Grammar, I just like getting things off my mind.
I never expect anyone, to enjoy reading my thoughts, i never really aimed for a goal to achieve expect, just doing what i like doing, if it helps people, or even helps people understand, then i am happy.

What i write in this blog post, made just seem like ramblings from a mad man, but its how i feel, i have learned to accept who i am, and learn my brain will never shut up.
I have always wanted to be a explorer, weather that is about the world, going for walks to see the countryside, or learning about myself.

I have learned to accept that depsite what my friends may say i am not a confident person in the real world which i will go into more detail later on, all i can say it, i accept who i am, even though to a lot of people in may seem sad but i love just being on my computer, from watching shows, to many ....
to editing photography, videos, making music, social media marketing and much more, hey if you know you have a thing and are good at it, you go with it !!!!!!

I mentioned a few weeks back, that i had brought just a silly note pad, to draw and write ideas down and guess what i have not touched it since !!!!! which is really annoying, when i am finally drawn away from the computer, i am either playing way to much tennis, down at the gym, running and other things.
I just do not seem to get that frame of mind to write, I hate holding a pen, i guess that is what happends, when you brought up with technology, its just so easy for me to write what i have up to this point in a matter of mins, where it would take me half a hour on paper.

I just find Technology my little niche in the world, if i am not creating i love watching creators on Youtube, making content, I love finding videos from video producers from business videos to other topics, learning, and it being inspiration !!!!

I even recently changed my Video production logo, which i freaking love, and even used it in a event i covered which was my best work to date, link to video at the end of this post.


 

Oddly the colour scheme for Dan Media was inspiration from Andrew Huang who makes videos on how he makes music,
he has some intros which has 2 colour for the font, much like mine, so i kept it as i really like it.
For Productions, i thought it would be cool to have a writing font which again i think it goes well together.

I did not want the exact same for my photography, but since, my original branding for Dan media was based around Orange i wanted to keep it within the same pattern. while making sure the branding between the 2 was something people would remember.

I was just honestly bored one night and thought i had not changed my branding since starting and wanted to give it a revamp (:

I am just happy that i can do what i love why helping the community out, videos and photography and knowing how to get them out there is so important, i have had my work on news articles, i have had a local newspaper put up my work at a recent event i covered, for not only my video work but my photography as well !!!!
but again this all helping let people know what the businesses are in Lincolnshire, what products they sell but if it helps them sell more products, or even gets people attending there events more then thats what its all about (:

My love for the community of Grantham only made me love the people of Grantham even more over the past few days..

in my last post i mentioned about moving, and the problems occurring about the things i would need, due to where i am being furnished because of it being support housing, and where i was moving to had nothing as it was a new bulid.

My Mate as well as I put posts up asking if people had things they could offer.
I can tell you now i have never had so much plates, pots, pans, and such wonderful things ever in my life before.
I got a overwhelming response from people, and my best friend in the world, helped collect the things and carry them for me.
I got a slow cooker, from one person, that i missed having so much, as when i was with a landlord they had one and i used it to cook, beef and all sorts !!!!!!

Qulits, new pillows, massive lamps, a very nice !!!!! city Canvass, and the list goes on.
showing that grantham people are not only very nice but also very helpful (:

The only thing is i kind of feel bad because, i have been turned down for the property i was supposed to be moving into, my own flat,  even though most stuff i can use at the property i am in now, i just feel bad that people have been so helpful, for no progress to be made in a move.

However, i could be moving soon, so its not all doom and gloom.
the situation was, after me and my support worker sat down and worked everything out, i could afford the place, based on 40 for electric, for a single person, water 20 a month, etc,
all seemed great as i went to view the property and fell in love with it.
Then i got a phone call the next day saying we looked at your outgoings and you cant afford it.
they then rang my support worker, to say that water would be more like 30+ a month, like how for a single person, electric would be more, and that i would have to pay for gas as well.
My support worker was livid by how they had come up with this and although they tried to fight my corner so to speak to get the place, the housing assocation, which is who the property is with, was not having any of it.
so now my support worker, is looking into other opitions, of maybe staying with them for a while longer.

This is sadly the state of Lincolnshire at the moment, i have been at the waiting list for a counil place ever since i moved to Grantham 6 years a go, and there new way of getting people a place, is to push people to a housing assocation, which expect, like a letting company, 4 weeks rent upfront.
yes the rents of the property would be the same as a counil place, but at least the counil do not ask for rent up front.
To make things much worse, in 2019 anyone who is on a 1 bedroom flat rate, which is a lot of people who want there own place, is going to dropped down to the shared housing rate, of 235 a month instead of just over 300 !!!!!

At the moment, in Lincolnshire, homelessness is a huge issue, and there is not enough places within the support housing to house people, so all its going to do is force people even much older people then me who want their independence to live with their parents, or go with a landlord.
going with a landlord is already a hard task, as they want a deposit upfront of a couple of hunderd, its not permanent housing and can often last only 6 months to a year.
at best your lucky to find a place with bills inc for less then 350 a month.
So you might say, it will force people to get a job, yes and no, you think you worked at a company for a few years, they have had to let you go because they are closing, or whatever the reason is, so your out of work, and have to be on job seekers, on the shared housing rate, your pretty much going to be screwed, having, to leave your home just to find cheaper accomation.

I recently went to a lincolnshire meeting, to discuss, the areas that need to be looked at over the next year, Housing and mental health was mentioned the most.
Yet its already, in motition this stupid housing costs drop for 2019 !!!!!!
makes it worse when its already been pushed back a year as it was supposed to be next year when it took affect.
so what is the point of these so called public meetings to help put plans in motion, when they have already decided to make the state of lincolnshire more worse then it is already.
Hospitals, closing, people having to travel over 30 miles, to get help, lack of services for Mental health, people who have learning diffucltes like me and so much more already happening.

In my opinion which this next thing is a disgrace and laughable is who ever plan it is to bring business to Grantham.

In a recent article about plans to bring more businesses in, what a massive funding, for the A1 into Grantham, which connects to many villages,

In this article it mentioned about, having a posh, shopping center, food places, etc.
so let me get this right people coming into Grantham, will shop there and then get into Grantham, and have pretty much in same, in a town that has great businesses yes, but a lot of empty shops,
people are going to get a lovely view of the countryside as they visit the posh shops near the A1 and then get into Grantham and be like oh, ???

would it not be wise to focus the funds, on fixing up the town, first, fixing, the pot holes, but also not creating more housing, when Grantham does not at this time have the services like the A & E to help the exisiting people that already live here ????

SKDC in my own opinion, has the funding to make the town better, and in some areas it has helped but i just think the funds are not being placed in the right areas.

you have businesses in Grantham, that come and go after 6 months because the cost of renting the Buliding, is far to high, prime example is the Morrsions center we have, a place that used to be a sports shop has been closed for over 4 years, nothing new since, a bag shop, which was also in newark, closed i think a year a go, nothing since, 2 book shops, came and went within 6 months.

All this just sums up what a amazing place Grantham could be, if things was to change.
this is why even if it makes just a little difference i try to help the only way i know how to.
this is why i have been supporting the marches going off as well to get back our Hospital, but to also support, the other closures happening around Lincolnshire, the things going off with the NHS Cuts, i mainly got invovled because it impacts me with getting help with my mental health and other things in life, and since then, noticed the much bigger picture and how many services around the country are being affected right now.
I might seem like a Grandad, a moaner, a droner, at such a young age, but i would say its knowledge and understanding of what is going off in the world, which i think Young people do need to start to realise this, the day of sitting around gaming, expecting your parents to pay for nearly everything in life is over, as young people when they do leave home, will very much struggle, and can lead to be homeless, with everything that is happending right now.

its bad when myself is struggling to keep hold off a place, and you walk through town and you see people in sleeping bags, day is day out, why because there is not the housing and services to help these people.
I have explained before how rubbish the services are in my own experience and issues.
That you have to wait months to get the help and when you have got it your tossed aside 3 months later like your nothing, like your supposed to be magically cured !!!!!!

The doctors answer to this is to tell you to go through the mental health services, put you on meds, tell you that you just have to deal with it and get over it !!!!!!!!! ):

When looking online at the housing rates i was just like how do they even work that out,
In peterbrough, the rent for sharing housing and a 1 bedroom flat rate is a lot higher, i think either matching nottingham or even higher, now yes the cost of renting might be higher but still, its a big difference.
Daniel if its that high why dont you move there???

Community sums up my life, and is my answer, (:
I was born in nottingham, you learn fast its also run down in so many areas outside of the city center, with poor housing, drugs, killings, etc.
if you want to see countryside or go to the shops you want its a bus journey everywhere which is not cheap.
The support housing is worse in Nottingham then it is in Grantham,
and to me with it being so busy all the time, there is no a real sense of a community.
you often find that within villages or small towns, there is that community, because people help us other, businesses help each other and so on.
the entire time i lived in Nottingham i was never happy, i never had friends, i had landlords who would scam you, and i hated it.

I now have friends, i have a best friend, i have people when i walk into town i talk to, and i have bulit up that community around me, so that is why i stay, i may not have the services i need but i love it here.

which leads me onto where i see my life, over the next 5-10 years.

As you know from my other posts my Depression, aniexty and other issues impact my life on a day to day basis.

People seem to think, that if i can write blog posts, do sport, photography etc that there is nothing wrong with me.
Looking back to the start of 2016, i had no goals, i did not have many outgoings, i spent nearly everyday inside my room, crying, spiralling out of control.
I hardly eat, slept, etc, Every job i had i lost, because i either fell ill a lot, i was struggling to remeber things, my coordination skills were rubbish because i knew what i was doing but my hands did not want to do the same thing.

Even when i had a girlfriend and was really happy, i still struggled in life, and back then i didnt have the friends i have now.

I slowly started to try and Bulid my life up, Tennis being the first thing, which lead, to going to the gym to get stronger, which lead to learning about photography, networking, lots and lots of learning, while at the same time getting no where with the mental health support, and having the hanging issue i still have of beening in permeant housing.

Everything i did leading up to where i am today, was a small step out of comfort zone was a small step, to be social with people was a small step to, help with my depression, and get me out of the house.

What you see of me, and hear of me is what i allowed you to, what you dont see is how extremely difficult it is to cope and to do even the things i love doing.

Most days, are spent crying, over thinking, avoiding talking to people,  being over aware of who is next to me and around me, having to leave events early because i cant cope with the amount of people, etc.

Days of being in pain, due to getting upset and struggling to move just to cook food.
having to do so much physical activites, because i hate being in the house because that is where i feel depressed the most, and then the circle of being depressed again because my body hurts, because i have had to push through the already pain, to be able to enjoy myself, which means i try to hard and my body suffers for it, having to always do physically activity even if i am shattered because it just craves it more and more.
Days where my most happy places, do not snap me out of what ever i am going through, and the only way to get over it, is to let it happen, and hope the next day is better !!!!!

So when people say why arent you working, its simple because i am scared to.
I am scared that, my mental state will affect me most days,  if i struggle just to get out to do the things i love, and days where i have things to do, and cant even do them how am i going to cope.
I am going to be honest with you all, I remember a few days not because of being lazy but because i could not physically and mentally do it, that when i was working there would be days where i had to have off because i could not cope.

I dont want to have to go through the trouble of setting myself up to fail, knowing i struggle so much at the moment,
if i lost my job it would then impact my depression, it would get me streessed having to wait weeks to get a rapid re claim back on to job seekers, and all the crap that goes with it and phone calls, of exuse after exuse of, oh its all fine one end but not the next, oh you havent filled this form in and sent it to us even though i am seeing on a screen in the Grantham jobcentre, but somehow its not on the nottingham benfits system, which is where all the paperwork gets sorted, bla .bla etc.

This is my doomed circle of life, that everyday impact my mental well being.
which then means i seem like this over depressed stay away freak to most people which the truth,
and is how most people view people with how society puts it mental health.

When in overall respect if i had the support needed, it would not cure me no but it would make my day to day life so much easier and less depressing.

As much as i try to bulid my life up, its never enough, I am not a confident person, my social skills have gotten way worse over the past 5 years.
yes i have friends, yes i have a community, yes i do this and that, because of what i am passionte about,  put me in a room, a event, getting to know people, etc on a social site, not a business meeting event, or networking and i am like 2 different people.
over the past year i have not been able to even close, bring out my business me into the real world.
most of what i do, and most of the convos i have with my friends, are online, again that is what happends, when you sit at a computer most of the day !!!!

My life just stops me from being able to make a better life for myself, I have missed on so much because its like having a debate all the time in my head, oh make friends, go to this gig, do photography do this and that, and then its on its getting to busy, oh i am to focused on what i am doing, to talk to people etc.

Its gets that bad that no wonder, i can not even start to try and find someone to be with because i rely on my computer to do the talking.
when i met my last Girlfriend, ok we was both shy, like most people are when you start meeting and getting to know each other, but after a few weeks i was fine, and somehow depsite having a much worser life at the time, with things kicking off with parents, i some how felt more confidnt back then, just being able to be myself.
could it have been the location, my age, or just simply we got on??
who knows, sometimes i think, which again i do to much off, with my mental health being the way it is, would i ever find someone because of maybe them not wanting to be with someone who gets depressed etc??

Sometimes i just wish that i could switch off so many off my thoughts and just live life a bit better without no worries, no problems in life.

I have talked about tennis a lot in these posts and in my life because it is my happy place, and its where i feel the more confindent,
That said, the more i learn about tennis, and the harder i train i am starting to struggle and get frusated, not because of not enjoying it, or even because i cant play, but because my body does not listen to me.

I have been told i have a super awesome serve when they go in, but the percent of them going in is very poor but i am not throwing the ball high enough.
I have been told i let the ball domiant me, and i back off a lot to hit it, being sometimes i am left with be bunching up and not being able to hit it right, even though i back off, i still manage to play good.
But i could play even better if i learned to attack the ball more.
I realised the only thing that is must be why i have problems with my serves and my game is the signals getting to my brain.
I have always had poor coordination skills I Remeber when playing racing games, when i lived with my parents and my dad watching, and not being supportive instead shouting because i would crash a lot because even though i saw the traffic in front of me and knew what i needed to do, the time it took my brain to send the message to my hands, was to slow.
this is what i think happends to me in tennis, we all have that issue but to me, it seems to happen a lot.
i have exellecent, postioning skills, i even have great cordination skills when it comes to watching where the ball is going, and yet when it come to play a shot, 80 percent of the shots are different to what i wanted to play.
Again the circle of life, this then makes me frusated, makes me feel crap about myself etc.
I never give up trying though, i keep pushing to get better, even if it hurts because i want to do well in life, or at least do well in the things i love doing.
When i am not depressed, i have a ridiculous amount of drive, motivation, its how i am able to go faster and faster at running, to keep doing photography, etc.
But like i said overall i struggle a lot, which i do not think a lot of people can admit to themselfs,
either they dont want their proud to get hurt, let people know they struggle or dont want people having to look after them.
Me i see no shame in who i am, i am embrace my problems, i let people into my live to understand, and i now let people help, where before i refused it.

So just think when you see someone being very happy, and they seem to be having a great life, does not mean they are happy.
one day or some days, we all face issues in life, that we need support from family, and friends, there is no shame in letting someone know you need the help, at the end of the day, you can not get better, if people do not know !!!! (:

I just have to keep trying to force myself out of my comfort zone which i am going to this weekend, by going to see live gigs again, and maybe take some photography, i want to start to try and live life the best i can, and what i want to see in my life in the next 10 years, is to have got the help i needed, and to be happy, not living life as a circle but full of wonderful adventures, which is why i started this blog account in the first place to log my adventures in life (:
Right i am not exhausted and i am sure you are after reading this long opening post.
I try with these posts to get as much as i can out, always something else i could add to but then i might as well write a whole book lol

thank you for reading, thank you for understanding and thank you Grantham for showing your support (:

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