Ramblings of a mad man #2 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

That is right its time to get more of my chest about my life !!!

Like i said on the last one, to me even if this reaches just one person who understands and can help or even what i somehow say in this helps someone then its all good, i just like being able to be open, maybe i am to open that people do not want to hear or care but oh well that is life (:

So since i wrote the last ramblings a lot has changed in my life and some things are the same.
Lets start off with the positive things shall we (:

One of the things i have been working so hard on is getting faster, getting more stamina and stronger, in fact it will be a year in just over a week since i joined a gym, and i shall be writing a blog post about that fairly soon so keep a eye on it !!!

doing so much physical actives has really open many doors in my life, and since the break up with my ex at the start of 2016, i feel that i have become a much better person.

I often find myself sometimes a lost of a way to explain things which means i may often say examples of something i have watched in order to get a point across.
I used to be told i was being stupid but hey if that is how i best explain things then i will keep doing it silly or not (:

In the last week i have been super hooked on the flash, the modern take of it.
in fact the last few days i finished all of season 2... whoops (:

In that it kind of gave me even more new found strength and hidden messages that again hit my brain and made me think about my own life.

No matter how much i wish i could change the events that happened  in my life, that often makes me think of the past makes me upset, it is that what makes me want to get faster and stronger.
Yes i miss the love of my life, if it was not for the case of being together for nearly 5 years then i would of got over it quicker but i choose to throw my life away and i live with that everyday knowing so.
That said, everything happens for a reason, its made me open my eyes in the world around us, its made me understand about myself, my issues my problems, where i need to improve and to build my life from having nothing to have things that i can call my own, my own actions.

I may have been in love, but that seemed to be all my life was all about, i had no friends, i was not apart of a community, and i was not physically fit, i let my life slip away because love was everything to me.

So yeah to maybe a lot of people i am just a weirdo, a creep etc, sitting around in places using internet, looking awarked, i may seem like a mad man from the way i act or the things i post about, but that is me and i would not change myself for anyone.

It has been such a bizarre path in life that seems to be getting more crazier in good ways and bad.

From going down the route of wanting to start a business up which i never had plans for in my life, to it not going the way i wanted it to.
To feeling so depressed in 2016 i would just go for walks taking photography and learning.
then that one moment in life i decide to put my skills to the test and help a local cause around town, kick started my life in so many directions.

So that is what i have been doing with more and more paths opening in my life.
I got the chance to network with a local music artist, on a wonderful day out, I have always dreamed meeting famous people, and never knew we had that in Grantham, its like i do what i do because i love being creative while helping out, i do not do anything special like a lot of photographers, video makers in the area and yet people have believed in me and given me chances in life i could only dream off.

Over the past 3 weeks i have had no major mental health problems.
there have been some events that have gone off like having a camera knocked out of my hand, which put me in a very depressed and anixous mood, i even had to get my friend to give me a lift to a shop to get some shopping that i was going to do later in the day anyway because, i was to shook up to leave the house.
I just put it past me as i knew i would be helping a local artist in the next day (:

I do not know why i have felt happy, i guess because of the good times that has been there.
Like working out with my friends at the gym has made me more happy, playing more tennis again has left me feeling good.
yet i do all those week by week anyway, i guess i cant complain lol.

Even the other night i had a very different experience at a local social meet i go to.
I dont know why but whenever there is a group of people even if its around 8 people, i never seem to be part of it, i say hi and a few other things but that is about it.
Whenever i am there though i seem to find that 1 person i can connect with, and spend most of the time talking to them and no one else.

Again i guess this is never a bad thing, some people are naturals at group talking and others find one person who they get on with.

It was a good night because like i have explained in so many post is we talked about mental health and counseling.
That this person i believe works with children with mental health problems but has also done work with adults as well.

I just talked like i had known that person for months, fully open, not just talking about mental health but my life, it was great that someone could understand what i was going through and could relate.

Saying that aniexty is something that can not really be seen, we all often wear a layer under us, we try to be confident because we do not want others putting us down, or sometimes not wanting to put what we are going through on others, not wanting to get help because of being scared to.

The outcome of the talk meant she has refereed me onto someone she knows who does consulting, working with people on many different issues in their life.
Since i am still waiting to be seen by the mental health services after waiting over 6 months since my last visit .

I am hoping that this will then open doors as i explained to the women who has refeered me that as well as my issues, i have exhausted all opitions in terms of getting help, with my dysprixa and dyslexic.

Which leads me onto what bad thoughts i am thinking off for my future.
I explained to the women about my housing suitation as well that i am still in a circle of temp housing, and i am worried that i will not have money to even go back into shared housing due to now making a life for myself.
in 2016 i had no gym membership, no tennis membership, no princess trust loan i am still paying back now, and of course no proper worries about internet.

so of course i could afford paying that more rent because i had no proper outgoings with being in the house 6 out of 7 days

I slowly started to bulid a life for myself but like with anything in life which i tried to not go by this for so long but then realised i was lieing to myself, which is money is key to do what you want in life.

Money is a huge factor in my life, because of what my hobbies are.
Anyone will know that if your hobby is anything media wise there is a price tag for it.

On top of that with my depression and aniexty my life sadly is my computer, my camera etc.
without them i would be lost, my life would mean nothing.

so when people say put money aside to secure a permanent place i can never do.
I have 30 pounds a month left after all bills have gone out.
When i say i have 64gb of internet to use and use it all people may go how????

Well for one i have no TV, and with no being social which again is never free even though people say talking is yet, but going for a meal out, even a drink is still a cost that people do not factor for.

For me when i am not out and about, doing physically sport, i want to relax and watch tv, so i pay for Netflix which means that uses data to stream the show.
on top of that people do not understand how much data uploading photography on a regular basis takes up.
prime example each photo i upload is around 30mb and on a typical month i upload over 200.
that is without factoring in having to upload on multiple social platforms of the same images.
so why do you not use public wifi ????
Cost is why !!!!

Nothing is ever free, we have a library  with free wifi which is cool yes but not when you want to upload things, with a photo taking 10 mins to upload just one photo??? i am not joking.

which then the rest of the options cost, going to a pub to get a drink, wrong answer, most pubs connect to the cloud which is just as slow as library, if you find a pub that does not use the cloud, again it is normally slow, fast for browsing not for uploading, this is of course not counting for downloading shows on netfliex to watch at home when my data is running low.

One place i use to sit which was free wifi and really fast, has now slowed down to a snail or you can pay like on a train for faster speeds.

Why do you have a limited data device ???
Because i am in temp housing i am not allowed to install internet, so the only other way is to by a portable internet device and use it as a tether to my computer.

So you can imagine on a day out doing photography and video, and the video takes over 2 hours to upload, on a really good speed, how much it can cost with buying 2-3 drinks a week just to use internet.

which of course causes me worrys about securing a home, because either way i lose.
i do all i do because it fights the depression, even what i do the depression comes and goes but doing what i love just makes it that little easier.
what is the point having a roof under my head, if i have to stop going to the gym, stop helping my local community, with media because then that will just make me back to how i was, and i would not leave the house again.

it also worrys me that i got the money from the princes trust to have what i have now, nothing lasts forever, and once my computer or camera stops working i could not do what i love doing anyway, with no way out all to fund to replace them.

That is why i try so hard to push myself to keep learning, improving so that even if its for a few years i can have great memories, instead of just living in a rut going round in circles.

I have been told by so many people not to worry about going forward in life but to focus on the here and now which i try to do a lot, i dont plan a lot of things, i just let each day comes and see how it goes. however when you can not get the help you need after battling for it for nearly 2 years it does worry you.

what also worrys me is not having the fight to come out of my comfort zone, i am trying so hard to try new things but again i find myself either leaving or just not bothering to go.

There has been open mic nights that even if i do not go to take part, it would be nice to see what talent there is but i just cant force myself to meet new people because its out of my comfort zone.
with being brought up on technology that is my down fall to life, to me after playing sport etc i would rather spend 3-4 hours watching shows, then going out and having a social life, sad i know.

Only now and then do i manage to force myself to go to things but there still is so much i am missing out on because of my own issues.

It worrys me that holding a camera or talking about what i love can make me the most confident person ever, but take that away, and i go into a bubble, i become shy, anixous, i back away from things. i have become stronger physically but i feel in some parts i have become a lot weaker mentally.

Yes i am now able to do more things and i am more stable mentally on more days but again in my own mind due to my actions i also feel, i am losing the ability to be myself around others.

When i was with my ex, i never really worried about people around me because my attention was on her, her family, what we was doing at the time etc.
Now that i have had to bulid my life up for the first time being on my own from a point of having no friends and family i did not want to talk, i have had to learn the skills needed to cope.

It amazes me how much strength i really have inside me till needing to be unlocked, i have already shown how much i can pour myself into playing tennis, into running, the gym, i have shown that depsite being super active, while i was at school and college, how much more active and stronger i am now then i was back then.

I just wish so to speak i did not need a push or someone to hold my hand in order to take steps out of my comfort zone, i which that events that are free, like the open mic, and other things around Grantham, i could just stroll in and enjoy the night , but i do not see that ever being me, i am a nerd, i love tv shows, i love being creative, i love what i do to much to tear myself away.

I guess in a lot of ways, i look for praise because i never really had it growing up. not that i have shut my family out for very good reasons, i have my friends to believe in me, which again until this year i never had.

I always push myself sometimes a little to hard because i want to prove to all the people that picked on me in my life, who looked down on me, who think i am stupid that i am not, i may to things differently, a lot slower, but it works.
A prime example is tennis, i must have one of the most strangiest playing styles ever, which i keep trying to improve on, because it works for me, as soon as i try to things the normal ish way i cant play.

Again i think this is down to the way things do not communite from my brain to my body, that over time i just got used to, trained it and adapted my own way of doing things.
Weather its tennis, pool, gym, golf, or bowling i have never done things the way they should but i guess that makes me the person i am and should embrace it (:

Overall i look at my new life, and ok i have achieved a lot from a bad break up, from a point that it took me 7 months to snap myself out of not wanting to live to the person i am now.

All i see is not trying hard enough, its frustrating when you create a project in this case a video for an event, you have so many cool creative ideas, and then you get to the editing software and you spend more time researching how to do and getting angry because, A, your having a lot of problems doing it and B, you know you need to get it edited Asap because the longer it takes for people to see, the less interest it will get.
if you been to a event the last thing you want is for the video of the day to be put up 2 weeks even more later, so as much as you would like to spend lots of time with different cools ideas, sometimes the basic has to do.

I see that although i cover events, it only seems to be once in a while not because there is nothing to cover, but because i am not creating a networking basis outside of social media.

i see that on days where i am depressed, nothing i do gets me out of it, which means i go to my covers and just binge watch show, instead of doing something to help my community out, or better yet be social !!!!

In all honestly i wish so many things in my life were either fixed or helped, i wish i could go to a place to use internet fast without having to pay for it, yes i know that does not exisit lol
i wish that just for once i could catch a break, weather that is getting help with my learning difficulties or with my mental health, but most of all having the courage to start up conversations with people instead of always waiting for someone to say hi to me.
People can say to you, you just got to force yourself to do these things, but i have tried so many times, and i can honestly say that is not me and never will be, i do not have that drive, that confidence to, and i have tried to accept who i am and accept that although i wanting things in my life, i have to just wait for them or be happy with what i have.


So when people say talking about your problems is bad, or people may think you as a strange person and not want to talk to you, ??? they are right, but what you have to do is push the people away who do not believe in you, who choose to talk behind your back, who does not understand what you go through, and who would rather laugh at you for who you are because they think they are better then you !!!!!!!
find the people that matter to you, and keep finding more and more people and eventually you will bulid a network of people that can help you when you feel down to pick you back up again !!!

Thank you for reading yet another blog about my ramblings, i call it of a mad man, because i think thats what a lot of people think of me, or of those who suffer, and just want to express how they feel (:

The next blog post i promise will be a happy one and about my progress at the gym (:


 























 

 

Where i see my life, and the Future of Lincolnshire | Daniel Marshall Adventures

After over 60 Blogs i have written, what can i say I love writing, Yes i have poor spelling and Grammar, I just like getting things off my mind.
I never expect anyone, to enjoy reading my thoughts, i never really aimed for a goal to achieve expect, just doing what i like doing, if it helps people, or even helps people understand, then i am happy.

What i write in this blog post, made just seem like ramblings from a mad man, but its how i feel, i have learned to accept who i am, and learn my brain will never shut up.
I have always wanted to be a explorer, weather that is about the world, going for walks to see the countryside, or learning about myself.

I have learned to accept that depsite what my friends may say i am not a confident person in the real world which i will go into more detail later on, all i can say it, i accept who i am, even though to a lot of people in may seem sad but i love just being on my computer, from watching shows, to many ....
to editing photography, videos, making music, social media marketing and much more, hey if you know you have a thing and are good at it, you go with it !!!!!!

I mentioned a few weeks back, that i had brought just a silly note pad, to draw and write ideas down and guess what i have not touched it since !!!!! which is really annoying, when i am finally drawn away from the computer, i am either playing way to much tennis, down at the gym, running and other things.
I just do not seem to get that frame of mind to write, I hate holding a pen, i guess that is what happends, when you brought up with technology, its just so easy for me to write what i have up to this point in a matter of mins, where it would take me half a hour on paper.

I just find Technology my little niche in the world, if i am not creating i love watching creators on Youtube, making content, I love finding videos from video producers from business videos to other topics, learning, and it being inspiration !!!!

I even recently changed my Video production logo, which i freaking love, and even used it in a event i covered which was my best work to date, link to video at the end of this post.


 

Oddly the colour scheme for Dan Media was inspiration from Andrew Huang who makes videos on how he makes music,
he has some intros which has 2 colour for the font, much like mine, so i kept it as i really like it.
For Productions, i thought it would be cool to have a writing font which again i think it goes well together.

I did not want the exact same for my photography, but since, my original branding for Dan media was based around Orange i wanted to keep it within the same pattern. while making sure the branding between the 2 was something people would remember.

I was just honestly bored one night and thought i had not changed my branding since starting and wanted to give it a revamp (:

I am just happy that i can do what i love why helping the community out, videos and photography and knowing how to get them out there is so important, i have had my work on news articles, i have had a local newspaper put up my work at a recent event i covered, for not only my video work but my photography as well !!!!
but again this all helping let people know what the businesses are in Lincolnshire, what products they sell but if it helps them sell more products, or even gets people attending there events more then thats what its all about (:

My love for the community of Grantham only made me love the people of Grantham even more over the past few days..

in my last post i mentioned about moving, and the problems occurring about the things i would need, due to where i am being furnished because of it being support housing, and where i was moving to had nothing as it was a new bulid.

My Mate as well as I put posts up asking if people had things they could offer.
I can tell you now i have never had so much plates, pots, pans, and such wonderful things ever in my life before.
I got a overwhelming response from people, and my best friend in the world, helped collect the things and carry them for me.
I got a slow cooker, from one person, that i missed having so much, as when i was with a landlord they had one and i used it to cook, beef and all sorts !!!!!!

Qulits, new pillows, massive lamps, a very nice !!!!! city Canvass, and the list goes on.
showing that grantham people are not only very nice but also very helpful (:

The only thing is i kind of feel bad because, i have been turned down for the property i was supposed to be moving into, my own flat,  even though most stuff i can use at the property i am in now, i just feel bad that people have been so helpful, for no progress to be made in a move.

However, i could be moving soon, so its not all doom and gloom.
the situation was, after me and my support worker sat down and worked everything out, i could afford the place, based on 40 for electric, for a single person, water 20 a month, etc,
all seemed great as i went to view the property and fell in love with it.
Then i got a phone call the next day saying we looked at your outgoings and you cant afford it.
they then rang my support worker, to say that water would be more like 30+ a month, like how for a single person, electric would be more, and that i would have to pay for gas as well.
My support worker was livid by how they had come up with this and although they tried to fight my corner so to speak to get the place, the housing assocation, which is who the property is with, was not having any of it.
so now my support worker, is looking into other opitions, of maybe staying with them for a while longer.

This is sadly the state of Lincolnshire at the moment, i have been at the waiting list for a counil place ever since i moved to Grantham 6 years a go, and there new way of getting people a place, is to push people to a housing assocation, which expect, like a letting company, 4 weeks rent upfront.
yes the rents of the property would be the same as a counil place, but at least the counil do not ask for rent up front.
To make things much worse, in 2019 anyone who is on a 1 bedroom flat rate, which is a lot of people who want there own place, is going to dropped down to the shared housing rate, of 235 a month instead of just over 300 !!!!!

At the moment, in Lincolnshire, homelessness is a huge issue, and there is not enough places within the support housing to house people, so all its going to do is force people even much older people then me who want their independence to live with their parents, or go with a landlord.
going with a landlord is already a hard task, as they want a deposit upfront of a couple of hunderd, its not permanent housing and can often last only 6 months to a year.
at best your lucky to find a place with bills inc for less then 350 a month.
So you might say, it will force people to get a job, yes and no, you think you worked at a company for a few years, they have had to let you go because they are closing, or whatever the reason is, so your out of work, and have to be on job seekers, on the shared housing rate, your pretty much going to be screwed, having, to leave your home just to find cheaper accomation.

I recently went to a lincolnshire meeting, to discuss, the areas that need to be looked at over the next year, Housing and mental health was mentioned the most.
Yet its already, in motition this stupid housing costs drop for 2019 !!!!!!
makes it worse when its already been pushed back a year as it was supposed to be next year when it took affect.
so what is the point of these so called public meetings to help put plans in motion, when they have already decided to make the state of lincolnshire more worse then it is already.
Hospitals, closing, people having to travel over 30 miles, to get help, lack of services for Mental health, people who have learning diffucltes like me and so much more already happening.

In my opinion which this next thing is a disgrace and laughable is who ever plan it is to bring business to Grantham.

In a recent article about plans to bring more businesses in, what a massive funding, for the A1 into Grantham, which connects to many villages,

In this article it mentioned about, having a posh, shopping center, food places, etc.
so let me get this right people coming into Grantham, will shop there and then get into Grantham, and have pretty much in same, in a town that has great businesses yes, but a lot of empty shops,
people are going to get a lovely view of the countryside as they visit the posh shops near the A1 and then get into Grantham and be like oh, ???

would it not be wise to focus the funds, on fixing up the town, first, fixing, the pot holes, but also not creating more housing, when Grantham does not at this time have the services like the A & E to help the exisiting people that already live here ????

SKDC in my own opinion, has the funding to make the town better, and in some areas it has helped but i just think the funds are not being placed in the right areas.

you have businesses in Grantham, that come and go after 6 months because the cost of renting the Buliding, is far to high, prime example is the Morrsions center we have, a place that used to be a sports shop has been closed for over 4 years, nothing new since, a bag shop, which was also in newark, closed i think a year a go, nothing since, 2 book shops, came and went within 6 months.

All this just sums up what a amazing place Grantham could be, if things was to change.
this is why even if it makes just a little difference i try to help the only way i know how to.
this is why i have been supporting the marches going off as well to get back our Hospital, but to also support, the other closures happening around Lincolnshire, the things going off with the NHS Cuts, i mainly got invovled because it impacts me with getting help with my mental health and other things in life, and since then, noticed the much bigger picture and how many services around the country are being affected right now.
I might seem like a Grandad, a moaner, a droner, at such a young age, but i would say its knowledge and understanding of what is going off in the world, which i think Young people do need to start to realise this, the day of sitting around gaming, expecting your parents to pay for nearly everything in life is over, as young people when they do leave home, will very much struggle, and can lead to be homeless, with everything that is happending right now.

its bad when myself is struggling to keep hold off a place, and you walk through town and you see people in sleeping bags, day is day out, why because there is not the housing and services to help these people.
I have explained before how rubbish the services are in my own experience and issues.
That you have to wait months to get the help and when you have got it your tossed aside 3 months later like your nothing, like your supposed to be magically cured !!!!!!

The doctors answer to this is to tell you to go through the mental health services, put you on meds, tell you that you just have to deal with it and get over it !!!!!!!!! ):

When looking online at the housing rates i was just like how do they even work that out,
In peterbrough, the rent for sharing housing and a 1 bedroom flat rate is a lot higher, i think either matching nottingham or even higher, now yes the cost of renting might be higher but still, its a big difference.
Daniel if its that high why dont you move there???

Community sums up my life, and is my answer, (:
I was born in nottingham, you learn fast its also run down in so many areas outside of the city center, with poor housing, drugs, killings, etc.
if you want to see countryside or go to the shops you want its a bus journey everywhere which is not cheap.
The support housing is worse in Nottingham then it is in Grantham,
and to me with it being so busy all the time, there is no a real sense of a community.
you often find that within villages or small towns, there is that community, because people help us other, businesses help each other and so on.
the entire time i lived in Nottingham i was never happy, i never had friends, i had landlords who would scam you, and i hated it.

I now have friends, i have a best friend, i have people when i walk into town i talk to, and i have bulit up that community around me, so that is why i stay, i may not have the services i need but i love it here.

which leads me onto where i see my life, over the next 5-10 years.

As you know from my other posts my Depression, aniexty and other issues impact my life on a day to day basis.

People seem to think, that if i can write blog posts, do sport, photography etc that there is nothing wrong with me.
Looking back to the start of 2016, i had no goals, i did not have many outgoings, i spent nearly everyday inside my room, crying, spiralling out of control.
I hardly eat, slept, etc, Every job i had i lost, because i either fell ill a lot, i was struggling to remeber things, my coordination skills were rubbish because i knew what i was doing but my hands did not want to do the same thing.

Even when i had a girlfriend and was really happy, i still struggled in life, and back then i didnt have the friends i have now.

I slowly started to try and Bulid my life up, Tennis being the first thing, which lead, to going to the gym to get stronger, which lead to learning about photography, networking, lots and lots of learning, while at the same time getting no where with the mental health support, and having the hanging issue i still have of beening in permeant housing.

Everything i did leading up to where i am today, was a small step out of comfort zone was a small step, to be social with people was a small step to, help with my depression, and get me out of the house.

What you see of me, and hear of me is what i allowed you to, what you dont see is how extremely difficult it is to cope and to do even the things i love doing.

Most days, are spent crying, over thinking, avoiding talking to people,  being over aware of who is next to me and around me, having to leave events early because i cant cope with the amount of people, etc.

Days of being in pain, due to getting upset and struggling to move just to cook food.
having to do so much physical activites, because i hate being in the house because that is where i feel depressed the most, and then the circle of being depressed again because my body hurts, because i have had to push through the already pain, to be able to enjoy myself, which means i try to hard and my body suffers for it, having to always do physically activity even if i am shattered because it just craves it more and more.
Days where my most happy places, do not snap me out of what ever i am going through, and the only way to get over it, is to let it happen, and hope the next day is better !!!!!

So when people say why arent you working, its simple because i am scared to.
I am scared that, my mental state will affect me most days,  if i struggle just to get out to do the things i love, and days where i have things to do, and cant even do them how am i going to cope.
I am going to be honest with you all, I remember a few days not because of being lazy but because i could not physically and mentally do it, that when i was working there would be days where i had to have off because i could not cope.

I dont want to have to go through the trouble of setting myself up to fail, knowing i struggle so much at the moment,
if i lost my job it would then impact my depression, it would get me streessed having to wait weeks to get a rapid re claim back on to job seekers, and all the crap that goes with it and phone calls, of exuse after exuse of, oh its all fine one end but not the next, oh you havent filled this form in and sent it to us even though i am seeing on a screen in the Grantham jobcentre, but somehow its not on the nottingham benfits system, which is where all the paperwork gets sorted, bla .bla etc.

This is my doomed circle of life, that everyday impact my mental well being.
which then means i seem like this over depressed stay away freak to most people which the truth,
and is how most people view people with how society puts it mental health.

When in overall respect if i had the support needed, it would not cure me no but it would make my day to day life so much easier and less depressing.

As much as i try to bulid my life up, its never enough, I am not a confident person, my social skills have gotten way worse over the past 5 years.
yes i have friends, yes i have a community, yes i do this and that, because of what i am passionte about,  put me in a room, a event, getting to know people, etc on a social site, not a business meeting event, or networking and i am like 2 different people.
over the past year i have not been able to even close, bring out my business me into the real world.
most of what i do, and most of the convos i have with my friends, are online, again that is what happends, when you sit at a computer most of the day !!!!

My life just stops me from being able to make a better life for myself, I have missed on so much because its like having a debate all the time in my head, oh make friends, go to this gig, do photography do this and that, and then its on its getting to busy, oh i am to focused on what i am doing, to talk to people etc.

Its gets that bad that no wonder, i can not even start to try and find someone to be with because i rely on my computer to do the talking.
when i met my last Girlfriend, ok we was both shy, like most people are when you start meeting and getting to know each other, but after a few weeks i was fine, and somehow depsite having a much worser life at the time, with things kicking off with parents, i some how felt more confidnt back then, just being able to be myself.
could it have been the location, my age, or just simply we got on??
who knows, sometimes i think, which again i do to much off, with my mental health being the way it is, would i ever find someone because of maybe them not wanting to be with someone who gets depressed etc??

Sometimes i just wish that i could switch off so many off my thoughts and just live life a bit better without no worries, no problems in life.

I have talked about tennis a lot in these posts and in my life because it is my happy place, and its where i feel the more confindent,
That said, the more i learn about tennis, and the harder i train i am starting to struggle and get frusated, not because of not enjoying it, or even because i cant play, but because my body does not listen to me.

I have been told i have a super awesome serve when they go in, but the percent of them going in is very poor but i am not throwing the ball high enough.
I have been told i let the ball domiant me, and i back off a lot to hit it, being sometimes i am left with be bunching up and not being able to hit it right, even though i back off, i still manage to play good.
But i could play even better if i learned to attack the ball more.
I realised the only thing that is must be why i have problems with my serves and my game is the signals getting to my brain.
I have always had poor coordination skills I Remeber when playing racing games, when i lived with my parents and my dad watching, and not being supportive instead shouting because i would crash a lot because even though i saw the traffic in front of me and knew what i needed to do, the time it took my brain to send the message to my hands, was to slow.
this is what i think happends to me in tennis, we all have that issue but to me, it seems to happen a lot.
i have exellecent, postioning skills, i even have great cordination skills when it comes to watching where the ball is going, and yet when it come to play a shot, 80 percent of the shots are different to what i wanted to play.
Again the circle of life, this then makes me frusated, makes me feel crap about myself etc.
I never give up trying though, i keep pushing to get better, even if it hurts because i want to do well in life, or at least do well in the things i love doing.
When i am not depressed, i have a ridiculous amount of drive, motivation, its how i am able to go faster and faster at running, to keep doing photography, etc.
But like i said overall i struggle a lot, which i do not think a lot of people can admit to themselfs,
either they dont want their proud to get hurt, let people know they struggle or dont want people having to look after them.
Me i see no shame in who i am, i am embrace my problems, i let people into my live to understand, and i now let people help, where before i refused it.

So just think when you see someone being very happy, and they seem to be having a great life, does not mean they are happy.
one day or some days, we all face issues in life, that we need support from family, and friends, there is no shame in letting someone know you need the help, at the end of the day, you can not get better, if people do not know !!!! (:

I just have to keep trying to force myself out of my comfort zone which i am going to this weekend, by going to see live gigs again, and maybe take some photography, i want to start to try and live life the best i can, and what i want to see in my life in the next 10 years, is to have got the help i needed, and to be happy, not living life as a circle but full of wonderful adventures, which is why i started this blog account in the first place to log my adventures in life (:
Right i am not exhausted and i am sure you are after reading this long opening post.
I try with these posts to get as much as i can out, always something else i could add to but then i might as well write a whole book lol

thank you for reading, thank you for understanding and thank you Grantham for showing your support (:

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Can Depression & Anxiety be part of the same symptoms ?? | DanielMarshallAdventures

Confusion is one of many things that depression & Anxiety is talked about a lot, so in this blog post we are going why in my opinion they can be classed as one ?

Over the past year I have talked to many people about my depression, anxiety and other issues.
Each person has there own take on them and the best fixes to make you feel better.

So in this Post i am going to be Referencing myself a lot.

Depression has many stages, and many forms, from just feeling lonely, to getting upset, angry, confused, a panicked state, to even as far as self harm.

I have suffered my whole life From Depression due to experiencing a very bad childhood.
I often would shut myself away, crying, not wanting to do anything, getting angry because of what my parents put me through and often running away.

School never really tried to help me and get the support i needed,
I often would of days where i would not leave my room which is still the case today.

As well as feeling low all the time, i was not a very social person, and a chance of a friend i would turn it down as i did not want them involved in my messed up life, but at the same time craving, someone to talk to.
I was bullied a lot, because of my problems, which meant that i started to feel panic everytime someone talked to me, i would be looking over my shoulder all the time, i did not like being in p.e changing rooms as i often got a tight chest and did not like being there at all.

One day i was running from a groups of lads who were after me, i managed to lose them, but in that moment my body froze, i could hardly breath , i was coughing a lot, i felt paranoid.
Somebody saw me and helped me calm down.

as my life panned out, my depression only got worse, and the last year i have tried self harm, most days it took all my energy  just to go and make myself some food.

there are days where i have stuff i really want to do like taking photography, making videos, my brain is pushing all these ideas out but everytime i move i just want to go back to sleep.

with having depression it has made my anxiety also worse, it has heighten it as it were.
I joined a site in 2016 called meetup.com
a place where you could go for pub meals, quizzes, days out etc with a group of people and after 3 meetings i left because i could not handle being around a large number, i wouldnt talk and it was wasting my money.

I have tried every place, every chance of finding helping, and still can not get any.
so the answer to the question is yes i find Depression & anxiety can go hand in hand.

They might be some people who do not think they are depressed when there anxiety plays up, but will often make you feel worse about yourself.

You might one day get over the fear of talking to people, or being ok in tight spaces or with lots of people, but you will still have days to yourself that you feel not worth living that, you are useless, etc.

Its sad that a lot of funding in the UK is not put into mental Health as it effects a lot of people.
For myself it has stopped me from so much in life, travelling, making friends, starting my business up.

I put myself down a lot because it frustrates me i want to be better i want to achieve in life, i do not want days where i have important photography work or videos to make and i just have no drive, no passion for it and feel like the next day should come.

I wouldnt mind in the future being a counselor, so that i can best help people from going through this experience, and to tell the right information to help.
as most of the time you get told things that do not help, you feel like all they are doing is moving you on as quick as possible to get paid and often feel they are just reading stuff from a piece of paper.

If you suffer from these , please let me know your experiences, how it affects, you what advice you have been told or misstold, have you managed to find support groups and friends?

I hope this blog post helps you understand where i am coming from over these 2 matters (:

as always if you want to find out more about my life please visit the links below !!!

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/
https://twitter.com/DanMediaP
https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC
https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs
https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/
http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/
http://dmpuk.weebly.com/