Looking back at 2017 !!! Mental and Physical Health | DanielMarshallAdventures

2016 was a very hard year, but 2017 has really changed my life, it has shocked me so i wanted to go through the bad and good points over the last 2 years.

Now I think i have gone into a lot of what happened in 2016 so i will try to briefly explain.

After suffering with depression and anxiety while being with someone for 5 years, things started to fall apart, and in the end due some major faults of my own we broke up a few days into 2016.

At that point i was homeless, i had no friends and i did not want to be around my family.
I tried to kill myself, for 6 months i barley ate, hardly leaving my room, and everyday crying, tearing myself apart.

I could not stop contacting my ex because she was everything, as i did not have a good childhood or a great life overall until i met her.
I was also bullied at school for being the quite one, and no matter how much i tried to fit in i was always picked on and looked down upon.

so for me because i had never made friends, and spent my time making sure she was happy, i just felt like i had nothing to live for.

I had never got help for my issues, and no one suggested about it either until the break up.
I ended up getting a 12 month harassment thing where i could not contact her, etc and i decided then that clearly i was never going to see or speak to her again even as friend so to now focus on turning my life around.

Throughout 2016 i tried to make friends from Grantham online, as my social skills have never been great, and to some it may seem like freckish messaging people on facebook around the local area i dont know.
To me i am confident online, and to me because i struggle so much with people skills in the real world, i would much rather get to know people online for a while first before meeting to be friends.

We somehow still live in a world that people look down upon you for that, and social media has grown so much that i do not see what the issue is now days.

It was not until i started trying to cover events with my photography and videos that i started to find where i belong within the local community.
by the end of 2016 I had managed to find myself a training partner at the gym, as i was really struggling to use the equipment and push myself to go.
what i often get return is people who do not know me being so nasty
Tbh i blame technology, we live more and more in a very anti social and nasty world where everyone inc females will look down at someone they dont even know because of how they look, when trying to get to know someone people will make the stupid viral word of your not my type which is just a lazy way to hold back a nasty comment they want to make on your looks.
like how is someone not your type when all you wanna do is be friends with that person?
It just mades me really angry that these people have nothing better to do in their lives then to look down on others.These people are normally so up their ass that they think they have the perfect friends and the perfect life.
For me i do not judge, on looks, age etc, because a lot of people have forgotten that personality is key.
You could be at society puts it hot as fuck, but you could be a total bitch inside, one that talks behind peoples back, laugh and put others down, just to make their own lives less boring (:

With having my own experiences of hanging out with people at school just to have friends, when in reality all they ever did was take the piss out of me.
at the time i thought having nasty friends was better then having no one but i soon realized that i would rather suffer alone then hang out with those who would only make my depression worse.

So when i started making my first friend i did not know what to expect, he soon became my best friend, as i made more friends online and through tennis and covering events my confidence started to Bulid.

Over the course of 2017 my physical health has only kept growing, and i have been able to achieve so much because of it.
When i was at the gym though i often did struggle with my grip still as well as knowing how to do said workout but after being shown needing help straight away, as i understood what to do but my body would not do the same.
so one of the workouts is using cables, so you arch your back out and pull the cable from your lower chest back up and i could never keep my arms in the right place.
with the deadlifts i kept moving my whole body instead of just standing up.
The annoying thing was i did not know i was doing it when lifting.
I would be told again and again from my friend but most of the time my body never listened.
so overall to people it looks like i am dumb when i am not its just my body is not on the same wave length as my body.
so for me i have to try twice as hard over doing it just to try and keep calm to do the workouts but also push to compete with what they were lifting in terms of weight.
I manage somehow to turn my upset and anger into raw strength, and its amazing how much push i have that only keeps surprising me more and more.

After a few months of using gym gloves for my grip, i eventually stopped using them, which things like the lat pull down and the max rack was still digging into my hands but now i could tolerate the pain a lot more.

Although throughout this year i have been able to get stronger, and more confident around the gym in terms of using the equipment by myself and even trying equipment i was scared to by myself, my confidence around others is still something i need to work on.
I have managed to take part in one class that has changed my stamina and speed, and had be fun and a lot of competition but i have avoided classes like circuits, boxing, dancing and other due to the fact i also need help as i get confused a lot.

On top of that i have this annoying thing about me that i am not confident around females, which in a way out of my own fault its stopped me from being able to explore and train with others in the fun classes.

so instead i just learned to focus on the one class i was good at, and kept aiming to get better and better.
In October it was a double challenge for me as the gym had prizes going for that month so i pushed extra hard but also mixing the watt bike class up with target based sessions.

In the last 3 months i have bonded with people in that class, because of how much everyone pushes themselves to achieve.

Just as i start to win classes and break my own records i have to push even harder as others have pushed just as hard to match me, we all have fun and laughs and its an awesome feeling to be in for that 30 minutes of the class.

In Fact only a week a go to me was the best class ever !!!
I not only got a much higher percentage overall in the class, but beaten records of overall heart rate and peak heart rate for a morning class (:
What amazed me more was a guy that came out of nowhere to match me all the way through that class and ended up beating me toward the end, its a crazy feeling, having the music pumping, seeing how well your doing in front of you, your legs hurting, but out of no where you keep pushing more and more because you want that win !!!!

Its that pure adrenaline rush i have craved more then ever this year, 90 percent of the time, if i running to play shots at tennis, or pedaling fast on the watt bikes, i am happy, i have more engry then i could dream off, my depression gone, i am not worrying or thinking about anything other then pushing my limits more and more.

around 4 months a go i managed to push my heart rate to 195 and it did scare me as for a short while after i did feel dizzy and took me a while to calm down but after something to eat and rest despite reaching my limit, i felt alive and could go again (:

So for me 195 is not good enough in 2018 i wanted to reach at least 200 i know i can do it given the right music and the right situation and as long as i have something with sugar or a bite to eat straight after i will be fine.

Overall i feel the last 4 months something has snapped inside of me, and put me on a even better track in life, it has had it challenges though.

I went through very bad points during those months but without that would not lead me to my new thinking in life and i still do think everything happends for a reason.
The first thing to change was admitting to myself i longer have passion for making videos and to stop trying to keep doing it and then getting stressed over the whole process.
I decided at that point my life needed a new direction, which was to try and go back into Education and study within the health sector.
After a back and forth week of going to the job centre and back to the college, i was told i could not get funding for any level 2, but could for level 3 but cant study level 3 without going on level 2 !!!

I went for the Interview for the course anyway while waiting to hear from the jobcentre over funding.
the course required you to do a screening test aimed at dyslexia.
I got really stressed while taking it and the results showed that i do suffer with it but with it being a screening test it was not a official assessment.
After getting advice from the college i was told it was best to take my GCSES again,
this way it would help re train my brain but also help with getting used to being around others.
i was told however that i would not be able to get any help over my learning diffulty until i was studying a course at the college.
so i started stepping up my already pestering and researching over getting help for my learning diffuclites.

I asked on local facebook groups for any advice, and then i went off contacting lots of different compaines.
most of them either said they was no help, no funding, or to have words with the doctor
The doctors so far in Grantham, either tell you to get over it or do not understand no matter how much you explain things.

I got in touch with a company in Grantham who deal with dyprxia but the problem was they charge 14 pounds per hour, and when i spoke to them, they said i would be looking at a couple of hours a week for at least 1-2 months to chat about the process of getting help etc.
which would be at least 100 pounds a month, and with being on jobseekers i couldnt afford that.
Lots of people have said to me you need to go on ESA again tried that with the useless doctors who take one look at me and go your 26 you look in good shape, if i give you a sick note you would only keep coming back to get one ??? like yeah thats what ESA is you need a sick note to start the application in the first place, and then you need to keep going back in order to keep sending it off so you can get your payments.
i think ive had at least 10 people plus my support worker who say that i need to be on ESA but because the idiot doctors dont understand, then i have just had to stay on job seekers.

A few weeks a go i got in touch with a wonderful company in Lincoln, who understood me very well, and gave me help on the best way to ask for help at the doctors.
This person mentioned that at boston Hospital they look into Learning Difficulties but i would need to be referred by a doctor for it.
So weeks later i was seen by a doctor with my support worker.
I explained everything, inc about the referral, he just shook his head, ingored what i said and moved on in the talk like how rude !!!!

How rude that after 5 times explaining what my issues were and how it affects my day to day life, did it take my support worker to step in as well in order to get a NHS form Printed off, which basically asks you what your issues are and why you need help, which then gets sent back to the doctor and sent away for someone else to look out.

On top of that, on my medical records it was shown that dyslexic was already on there from 2008, 10 years a go !!!
and yet over the last 2 years of seeing over 10 different doctors, not once when mentioning about getting help with it did anyone ever mention my medical records which they would need to look at everytime i asked for help !!!
The Fact as well that it took that many doctors and that many tries to get a NHS form as well is a joke.

 See everything is connected, i cant get a proper place to live as i am not high enough on the Counil,
i cant get higher because i do have issues with my mental health and learning, but have not been on paper to help the application move along.

I cant get help for my issues, so my issues gets worse, which impacts my mental and physical health.
and so on.

So in my mind everything i Achieve is always a test for me and has been Extremely hard to push through everything in order to be happy.
Someone once told me, if your capable of playing sport, in good physical health, and do photography, then why are you not working???

For me everyday is a challenge, with my mental health and with how i am able to get things done.
so i already mentioned about my body doing different to my hands because of that, i have last every job i have had in the past.
My depression also having a big impact on working as, its very hard to control, most of the time it just switches on and off, without a cause, when that happens and i am in a crowed place my aniexty then kicks in to make things even worse.

There are days where i feel good and somedays were my bed is the only place i can be all day.
It was not until the end of 2016 that i was told that Physical health helps a lot with these issues.
So I took Charge and quickly learned that being at the gym and at tennis made me super happy.
That right there is the only answer, when i am in that space, most of the time i dont worry, my issues are gone and i feel good about myself, i do often still struggle with social interaction and being around people but when i am there its more under control to compared to working, as its something i am happy about and enjoying, hence the reason why i wanted to start my own business up.

Its taken a year of hard battles, of even having days and weeks where even sport has made me upset and feel worse, to make my physical health much better which had not fixed my mental health but made it so much better.

Its one of the things why going back into education is key for me as its taking one step out of my comfort zone, getting used to be around others again and hoping that after my GCSES i can either finally get somewhere with studying within the health sector or have the confidence to work again.
as i may be able to capture photography for events but i am not a confident person around people overall.
Now is partly one of the reasons i decided to take a break from photography, even my Private Counselor argeed, she said i would regret it if i stopped it all together, as its where my creative mind comes from, its my passion and its done wonders with connecting with the local community.
However i often used the camera as an excuse to hide the real me, i used the camera as my confidence, and it got so bad that i really did not enjoy going to things without it.
It did me good but it also was a major issue is enforcing the issue rather then learning to deal with being in a crowed place without it.
i was told that maybe for a short while just go out and take photography of what you like taking, rather then saying right today there is an event ill go and take photos of that.

all my friends and the local community have said the same thing which is just keep being me, keep enjoying what i do as it clearly has been helping.

Technology For me is a blessing and a curse, its a blessing as i am able to help the community, i am able to relax when not working on photos etc, and just watch my fav tv shows, movies and Youtube Videos.
Its a curse as because i have for to long made myself get cosy in the bed, it stops me from leaving as when i feel down, being in bed does not cure but helps make me feel better rather then trying to push through it and be social.

Its been a curse because i have not gone to things that i would enjoy because i havent been in the mood to bring my camera with me and in the last month of not really using it, i have been much happier (:
in the last month i have been more social, i listen more to people, i have slightly changed the way i have been eating, and i have more drive to succeed in life then i have done.
In a way i feel that i am very knowledgeable and easy to talk to because of my life experiences.

I loved being with my partner and yes i do miss her and yes i wish we could be friends,
but at the end of the day, through that experience ending, i am slowly finding the real me.
I have made friends, i have a great community of people that have started to understand me
and slowly i am getting used to being independent.
Its hard, sometimes it does feel lonely, and i know when i was with my partner i did relay on her a lot to do things i could not do, its taken 2 years to adjust myself to my new situation and i love it.

I am close to my flat mates which its the first time being in a shared house i have managed to let my guard down and be myself around others.
In a way they are more people in terms of friends, because we get on so well.
I enjoyed the 5 years i was with my partner and i would not want to change it expect just being able to have friends and learn to be an independent person back then.
and to me my life is only just starting i may be 26 but i feel like a kid again because i am now getting life experiences that i should have had around 19-20.

Overall this year has shown me that although i was not an amazing person with my partner and i had a lot of faults i have battled, to get help over it, i have took the time to learn about my faults and to either fix them or find a way around them.
and for 2018 i hope that i can finally get the help i have been looking for and that my new direction in life will be one with a good meaning, good laughs and great times.

Thank you For Reading and i hope your 2018 brings you some magical (:

My Creative spark A year later !!! | Daniel Marshall Adventures

when i first decided that i wanted to blog about things, i had made a post about My photography and what it meant to me at the time, a lot has changed over the last year so i thought i would fill you in (:

In June 2016, I got funding from the Princes Trust After putting a business plan Together which was to create video content for businesses.

Before i got the funding, i had met someone to work on the plan, and branding, At the time i did not have a camera and i had to make do with what i had which was a Ipad Mini.

Even though i wanted to start a business up, i had no idea about a lot of things.Instead of learning about how to make videos to a professional standard, how to be a director in the sense of getting the clients to remember what they needed to say and even say stop if i felt it was not a good take, i knew none of this !!! i went into the deep end, having to get advice from people and self teach myself.

Putting the plan together was a nightmare, creating daft copies after draft, having to put long terms and short team goals, how would i market myself and things like that this often put a lot of stress on me and caused my depression to be really bad.
The finished product was a shirt with my branding, business cards and over 30 pages of a plan.

as you can see from the picture above.
Using the Ipad was so stressful as the tripod i had to fit a Ipad never seemed tall enough, so it was often put on boxes, I met with a business client to do a test video for their business
The whole process did not go great, the video went on Youtube Under private for months as the client was not happy with it and then i delete to get rid off all the footage ): as i was not happy with it either.

It was then i Realized that i was going to really struggle at the whole Business video approach and decided a few months later that running a business is not what i wanted anymore.
I had a lot of trouble of My website as me and the person creating it has different ideas and well we did not get on, someone else took on the website but this person could not grasp the concept that it needs to be modern and putting on a image from google images of Grantham was just not acceptable!!!
So the website that was known as Danmediaproductions.co.uk is no longer there.

As i now had my camera from the Funding i used it as a way out of the house, as that was the place that was causing me to become more depressed.
I started Making Vlogs which i had made in the past but this time talking about my issues and what i had been up to, i guess it was another way of trying to make myself feel better and put myself in a better frame of mind to get on with the day.
Most of the time these vlogs were filmed around Grantham, but the one i love the most is when I traveled to Lincoln to meet a group of people for a day out and met a local musician, I loved Lincoln because of the views of the water near the city Centre and of course steep hill which i had to walk up plus a hour from there in order to get to the pub where i was meeting the people (:
I enjoyed putting together the video after and its a great memory to look back in fact i have not been to Lincoln since that day ):


Back then my photography was not great either because i had no idea what settings to use combined with using a really awful editing program which at the time i thought it was great.
This program was called lightzone which was supposed to be like lightroom but instead made the pictures ultra small in size and look rubbish.

So i just kept learning, both with video production and photography in hopes something would click.
in August 2016 I had popped down to the local food bank, as i was in need of some help,
it was there i had met someone who worked there and was learning photography to,

We chatted and really got on (: I was then talking to Brian about what i wanted to do as a business, as we talked about creating a video for the food bank.


The first proper makings of putting a video Together and it did not go well, i told Brian this and tried again this time much better, so i created a few more about the team, and one other video (:

After that I noticed a protest going off to do with the closure of the Grantham A & E so i marched with them as well as quickly taking photos and putting a video Together of the day.


My Facebook went mad, with over 1,000 likes on my photos even though they were to me not amazing quality and the video was getting a lot of attention as well, this was when i knew i could still help my local community as a hobby instead (:

From that moment i started working on connecting with people and creating networking opportunities.

In December Sarah Stock was running for a campaign in Sleaford and asked if i could Film the whole conference, which was a good day out to support her and also help out, one to add to my portfolio.

I got the chance to watch a Lincolnshire County Council Meeting also in December, and then until the end of February 2017 The video making front went quiet.
I did not feel in a great place in my mind, and was not enjoying making them, so instead i focused more on learning photography, and working on my physical health as well.


The problem i have is i like to be creative, i like to explore and dabble into different things.
I love making music to and i was using my video skills to try and make visual music videos.
This took hours and days of watching videos on how to do certain things and waiting nearly half a day for the video to export !!!

In those 2 months i had not uploaded any video content, i was still trying to latch onto the idea that i could make videos for businesses.
I know the layout of how i want the video to go, but filming it and learning what effects you want is 2 different things.

So when you have the love of playing tennis and wanting to come up with a amazing creative video for that business, and just crumble under the pressure it really affects your thinking.
this was a intro i had made for the video at the time (:


I knew then that being a video producer just was not what i wanted to do anymore, so i looked around to see of any way of studying more about photography.
I was in look at Grantham college was having a min courses, which was a photography club once a month, and Photoshop lessons once a week !!!

Learning about what settings to use on the camera and learning how to edit photography was really paying off, i was noticing how much clearer my photos were and that photography i managed to capture of Nottingham last year was looking so much nicer and to this date love 2 photos i managed to make look amazing as you can see below (:


The need to try and be part of a community but also still make videos was urging to come out, so that is what i did another march to save Grantham A &E went off, this time wanting to put a better video together, the video did good but once again the photography was doing so much better !!

From that point is when my photography really took off, and i connected more and more with the community (:

The following week saw the biggest task at hand and a totally new experience for me, which pushed my anxiety levels to the max, as i was surrounded by nearly 250,000 people.

This was Going to London, to save our NHS !!!!!! Because i had got involved with the campaigning locally, i was asked to come with to march in London.

I knew my laptop was not great with battery left using editing programs but i still brought it with me, to edit Sarah Stock as she pumped up the bus journey and to transfer over 200 pictures and tons !!!! of video clips taken throughout the day of the march.
Between having a heavy backpack, my laptop, and holding now and then protest signs it made me so tired by the end.

Ive said it before but video production is not a easy job, you have to sort through all the clips to see which ones you will use, edit them, put graphics in, check levels etc, wait for it to export, upload it with good information about the video, share it to different sources, all that just for one video haha, and i had done 5 or 6 i think, on top of sorting through 200 photos to edit !!!

Again the community loved my pictures and again i knew that sticking to photography was my little niche (:

As well as improving my photography i was working on, networking with people and seeing what other ways i could help my community.
So i created a twitter called helping lincolnshire, where i could tweet and retweet anything to with events, posts that businesses had post etc just another source for people to find out whats going on around Lincolnshire !!!

If its not not being asked By ITV to use my photos of the marches in Grantham, then its using how open i am about my mental health and to also promote a good cause on the radio !!!

I had been working a lot on my physical health playing tennis, but also creating blogs about the scheme the tennis club had put on, I got asked to go on Gravity Fm, and then a week later, to BBC Radio Lincolnshire, this was again another step forward in my life using my skills !!

For me what i love about being creative is i take what i do in everyday life, like playing sports, going to the gym and make something more out of it that will help people !!!
I have already done a blog post about the gym i go to so i will not go into to much detail, but i used my photography and social media marketing skills to help them out (:

Another achievement for me was still not wanting to give up creating video but now looking at it from a different perspective, which was covering events.

This being only a few days after going on the radio so it was all happening so fast.
In April 2017 it was St Georges day In Grantham, with lots of stalls, Parades, Dancing and much more going off.




A Group called Octovox was Performing and i feel in love with them as they style was acapella,
and reminded me so much of pentatonix (:
After the day had finished i worked hard on editing the photos first, and then i made a video of just them singing, and a video about the Parade, using Octovox singing as the background hehe (:

I dont claim to be a expert at video production and i know my video making skills need to improve a lot, but as i mentioned above photography is more my passion.

I kept challenging myself to take the same photos every few months around Grantham, but to always improve.
One night it was really nice so i decided to take a small stroll around the town, I noticed the colorful sign of a betting shop and wanted to experiment with the picture when i got back home as you can see above.

One thing i know how to do is get the photos out there, to as many facebook groups, on twitter, instagram etc so again when you think of anything media related there is always much more work to it that people do not see, they just see the end result being the video, pictures etc (:

In may i wanted to challenge my aniexty but also expand my skills into seeing live bands around Grantham, and capturing it.
I love music and always will, even while i write this i am listening to music haha.
The first band i went to see Under the covers, I had brought my camera with me because i wanted to do if i could cope, sadly it got to much for me and left a hour in.
I wrote a blog post about seeing them though, which in fair was a short blog, but it seemed to do really well better then anything i had written at that time.

I forced myself to see more bands and even connecting with the guy who runs the scene who was also a photographer (:
Being able to connect with people gives you so much more insight into their lives but also you get to help each other.
I think the biggest life changing event in terms of my media skills has been meeting CJ Hatt



I really got on well with the guy, and he really liked me making videos of him performing and my photography so much that a few months later, i am going in the car with him to 2 events he played, getting a insight into a musicians life and keeps saying i am his official photographer hehe (:

Although that change in my life has set things in motion, i think for me my achievement in terms of video production  skills has to be when i covered a fun day a few months back at Dysart park in Grantham !!!!

I had decided the day before to do some Re-branding with watermarks both with photography and on the videos i made, which really worked a treat (:

I was at the event most of the day, and i think i walk around all the stalls and what was going off at least 10 times, trying to capture the best spots but to also make sure i was not missing something like the dog show as you can see with the picture above and below.

I had edited over 50 pictures, and now it was time for the video editing to start,
with events you need to put a good video together but its also time based, as the later you post it the less attention it will draw and well it was needed to be up quick for a reason that i did not even know of at the time.

With the video i wanted to create the theme of it being fun, since that was the meaning of the event.
The music i used with it worked like magic and i also added a comedy side to things towards the end.
Hannah who worked for the Fun day team, loved the video and photography, that she asked me if i could do my very first editorial for Grantham Matters, which they posted along with my work !!!
So you see if i had posted the video a week later and really nick picked at very little detail to maybe make the video better it would not have got the fame it did !!!! everything happens for a reason is my motto i live by (:

my biggest achievement though overall since starting my media Journey was being asked questions for the Journal and having a whole page about, where i came from and why i do what i do to help the local community !!!!
this last few weeks as been a lot of achievements as I had put a lot of photos together with a blog post about how Feel Good Fitness In Grantham has helped me so much, which got shared onto their page and a lot of people loved it (:
To entering my first photography competition for World Rivers day
 

I have my wonderful Counselor to thank who i had been seeing for a few weeks now, we talked about a lot of things, inc that i do a lot for the community, but not a lot just for myself, like going for walks and capturing the wonderful place of Grantham, something i had not done in so long because of still loving photography but it was more event based then inspired based !!!

The team who runs the rivers day loved my photo and used as their cover for the event.
On top of that when i went to the event, I was asked to be in a photo with others to be used in a upcoming Journal newspaper so fingers crossed its in there haha.

One of the things i love about being creative is stopping doing one creative thing to do another and things turning out great.
While i was writing about The London Experience, i wanted to go through and create black and white versions, in the past i never bothered with the concept as, black and white photography was not my thing, but the more i started to explore and love photography, the more i liked looking and creating them.




with making black and white photography, its not as simple as hitting the filter and hey you have it.
for me i like going into the filter, fine tune little bits, maybe make the sky a bit brighter, or for example on the picture above the sign saying no cuts more visible (:


For black and white i even start experimenting with shots taken in Grantham of just normal day life, but in a kind of Darker way as seen below (:


So overall its been a big year for me, My media targets may not have been hit to what i wanted to set out and achieve but with taking steps to push through my depression and aniexty, i have connected with the community, and i have achieved things i could never dream off !!!

I honestly can not even think where life will take me next, I just live each day as it comes, pay attention to what is going off in the world and try and help (:
if i can help just one person or one business, and put a smile on their faces then i am happy.
I dont make a living for this and do not see it in the future its just something i really love doing !!!

So there you have it sorry for the small pictures as, i cant seem to get a hang of using other sites, for now i keep blogging on blogger (:
If you would like to see full size photography of my work,
then please follow me on the links below and have a great..... day

My social links

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https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

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Ramblings of a mad man #2 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

That is right its time to get more of my chest about my life !!!

Like i said on the last one, to me even if this reaches just one person who understands and can help or even what i somehow say in this helps someone then its all good, i just like being able to be open, maybe i am to open that people do not want to hear or care but oh well that is life (:

So since i wrote the last ramblings a lot has changed in my life and some things are the same.
Lets start off with the positive things shall we (:

One of the things i have been working so hard on is getting faster, getting more stamina and stronger, in fact it will be a year in just over a week since i joined a gym, and i shall be writing a blog post about that fairly soon so keep a eye on it !!!

doing so much physical actives has really open many doors in my life, and since the break up with my ex at the start of 2016, i feel that i have become a much better person.

I often find myself sometimes a lost of a way to explain things which means i may often say examples of something i have watched in order to get a point across.
I used to be told i was being stupid but hey if that is how i best explain things then i will keep doing it silly or not (:

In the last week i have been super hooked on the flash, the modern take of it.
in fact the last few days i finished all of season 2... whoops (:

In that it kind of gave me even more new found strength and hidden messages that again hit my brain and made me think about my own life.

No matter how much i wish i could change the events that happened  in my life, that often makes me think of the past makes me upset, it is that what makes me want to get faster and stronger.
Yes i miss the love of my life, if it was not for the case of being together for nearly 5 years then i would of got over it quicker but i choose to throw my life away and i live with that everyday knowing so.
That said, everything happens for a reason, its made me open my eyes in the world around us, its made me understand about myself, my issues my problems, where i need to improve and to build my life from having nothing to have things that i can call my own, my own actions.

I may have been in love, but that seemed to be all my life was all about, i had no friends, i was not apart of a community, and i was not physically fit, i let my life slip away because love was everything to me.

So yeah to maybe a lot of people i am just a weirdo, a creep etc, sitting around in places using internet, looking awarked, i may seem like a mad man from the way i act or the things i post about, but that is me and i would not change myself for anyone.

It has been such a bizarre path in life that seems to be getting more crazier in good ways and bad.

From going down the route of wanting to start a business up which i never had plans for in my life, to it not going the way i wanted it to.
To feeling so depressed in 2016 i would just go for walks taking photography and learning.
then that one moment in life i decide to put my skills to the test and help a local cause around town, kick started my life in so many directions.

So that is what i have been doing with more and more paths opening in my life.
I got the chance to network with a local music artist, on a wonderful day out, I have always dreamed meeting famous people, and never knew we had that in Grantham, its like i do what i do because i love being creative while helping out, i do not do anything special like a lot of photographers, video makers in the area and yet people have believed in me and given me chances in life i could only dream off.

Over the past 3 weeks i have had no major mental health problems.
there have been some events that have gone off like having a camera knocked out of my hand, which put me in a very depressed and anixous mood, i even had to get my friend to give me a lift to a shop to get some shopping that i was going to do later in the day anyway because, i was to shook up to leave the house.
I just put it past me as i knew i would be helping a local artist in the next day (:

I do not know why i have felt happy, i guess because of the good times that has been there.
Like working out with my friends at the gym has made me more happy, playing more tennis again has left me feeling good.
yet i do all those week by week anyway, i guess i cant complain lol.

Even the other night i had a very different experience at a local social meet i go to.
I dont know why but whenever there is a group of people even if its around 8 people, i never seem to be part of it, i say hi and a few other things but that is about it.
Whenever i am there though i seem to find that 1 person i can connect with, and spend most of the time talking to them and no one else.

Again i guess this is never a bad thing, some people are naturals at group talking and others find one person who they get on with.

It was a good night because like i have explained in so many post is we talked about mental health and counseling.
That this person i believe works with children with mental health problems but has also done work with adults as well.

I just talked like i had known that person for months, fully open, not just talking about mental health but my life, it was great that someone could understand what i was going through and could relate.

Saying that aniexty is something that can not really be seen, we all often wear a layer under us, we try to be confident because we do not want others putting us down, or sometimes not wanting to put what we are going through on others, not wanting to get help because of being scared to.

The outcome of the talk meant she has refereed me onto someone she knows who does consulting, working with people on many different issues in their life.
Since i am still waiting to be seen by the mental health services after waiting over 6 months since my last visit .

I am hoping that this will then open doors as i explained to the women who has refeered me that as well as my issues, i have exhausted all opitions in terms of getting help, with my dysprixa and dyslexic.

Which leads me onto what bad thoughts i am thinking off for my future.
I explained to the women about my housing suitation as well that i am still in a circle of temp housing, and i am worried that i will not have money to even go back into shared housing due to now making a life for myself.
in 2016 i had no gym membership, no tennis membership, no princess trust loan i am still paying back now, and of course no proper worries about internet.

so of course i could afford paying that more rent because i had no proper outgoings with being in the house 6 out of 7 days

I slowly started to bulid a life for myself but like with anything in life which i tried to not go by this for so long but then realised i was lieing to myself, which is money is key to do what you want in life.

Money is a huge factor in my life, because of what my hobbies are.
Anyone will know that if your hobby is anything media wise there is a price tag for it.

On top of that with my depression and aniexty my life sadly is my computer, my camera etc.
without them i would be lost, my life would mean nothing.

so when people say put money aside to secure a permanent place i can never do.
I have 30 pounds a month left after all bills have gone out.
When i say i have 64gb of internet to use and use it all people may go how????

Well for one i have no TV, and with no being social which again is never free even though people say talking is yet, but going for a meal out, even a drink is still a cost that people do not factor for.

For me when i am not out and about, doing physically sport, i want to relax and watch tv, so i pay for Netflix which means that uses data to stream the show.
on top of that people do not understand how much data uploading photography on a regular basis takes up.
prime example each photo i upload is around 30mb and on a typical month i upload over 200.
that is without factoring in having to upload on multiple social platforms of the same images.
so why do you not use public wifi ????
Cost is why !!!!

Nothing is ever free, we have a library  with free wifi which is cool yes but not when you want to upload things, with a photo taking 10 mins to upload just one photo??? i am not joking.

which then the rest of the options cost, going to a pub to get a drink, wrong answer, most pubs connect to the cloud which is just as slow as library, if you find a pub that does not use the cloud, again it is normally slow, fast for browsing not for uploading, this is of course not counting for downloading shows on netfliex to watch at home when my data is running low.

One place i use to sit which was free wifi and really fast, has now slowed down to a snail or you can pay like on a train for faster speeds.

Why do you have a limited data device ???
Because i am in temp housing i am not allowed to install internet, so the only other way is to by a portable internet device and use it as a tether to my computer.

So you can imagine on a day out doing photography and video, and the video takes over 2 hours to upload, on a really good speed, how much it can cost with buying 2-3 drinks a week just to use internet.

which of course causes me worrys about securing a home, because either way i lose.
i do all i do because it fights the depression, even what i do the depression comes and goes but doing what i love just makes it that little easier.
what is the point having a roof under my head, if i have to stop going to the gym, stop helping my local community, with media because then that will just make me back to how i was, and i would not leave the house again.

it also worrys me that i got the money from the princes trust to have what i have now, nothing lasts forever, and once my computer or camera stops working i could not do what i love doing anyway, with no way out all to fund to replace them.

That is why i try so hard to push myself to keep learning, improving so that even if its for a few years i can have great memories, instead of just living in a rut going round in circles.

I have been told by so many people not to worry about going forward in life but to focus on the here and now which i try to do a lot, i dont plan a lot of things, i just let each day comes and see how it goes. however when you can not get the help you need after battling for it for nearly 2 years it does worry you.

what also worrys me is not having the fight to come out of my comfort zone, i am trying so hard to try new things but again i find myself either leaving or just not bothering to go.

There has been open mic nights that even if i do not go to take part, it would be nice to see what talent there is but i just cant force myself to meet new people because its out of my comfort zone.
with being brought up on technology that is my down fall to life, to me after playing sport etc i would rather spend 3-4 hours watching shows, then going out and having a social life, sad i know.

Only now and then do i manage to force myself to go to things but there still is so much i am missing out on because of my own issues.

It worrys me that holding a camera or talking about what i love can make me the most confident person ever, but take that away, and i go into a bubble, i become shy, anixous, i back away from things. i have become stronger physically but i feel in some parts i have become a lot weaker mentally.

Yes i am now able to do more things and i am more stable mentally on more days but again in my own mind due to my actions i also feel, i am losing the ability to be myself around others.

When i was with my ex, i never really worried about people around me because my attention was on her, her family, what we was doing at the time etc.
Now that i have had to bulid my life up for the first time being on my own from a point of having no friends and family i did not want to talk, i have had to learn the skills needed to cope.

It amazes me how much strength i really have inside me till needing to be unlocked, i have already shown how much i can pour myself into playing tennis, into running, the gym, i have shown that depsite being super active, while i was at school and college, how much more active and stronger i am now then i was back then.

I just wish so to speak i did not need a push or someone to hold my hand in order to take steps out of my comfort zone, i which that events that are free, like the open mic, and other things around Grantham, i could just stroll in and enjoy the night , but i do not see that ever being me, i am a nerd, i love tv shows, i love being creative, i love what i do to much to tear myself away.

I guess in a lot of ways, i look for praise because i never really had it growing up. not that i have shut my family out for very good reasons, i have my friends to believe in me, which again until this year i never had.

I always push myself sometimes a little to hard because i want to prove to all the people that picked on me in my life, who looked down on me, who think i am stupid that i am not, i may to things differently, a lot slower, but it works.
A prime example is tennis, i must have one of the most strangiest playing styles ever, which i keep trying to improve on, because it works for me, as soon as i try to things the normal ish way i cant play.

Again i think this is down to the way things do not communite from my brain to my body, that over time i just got used to, trained it and adapted my own way of doing things.
Weather its tennis, pool, gym, golf, or bowling i have never done things the way they should but i guess that makes me the person i am and should embrace it (:

Overall i look at my new life, and ok i have achieved a lot from a bad break up, from a point that it took me 7 months to snap myself out of not wanting to live to the person i am now.

All i see is not trying hard enough, its frustrating when you create a project in this case a video for an event, you have so many cool creative ideas, and then you get to the editing software and you spend more time researching how to do and getting angry because, A, your having a lot of problems doing it and B, you know you need to get it edited Asap because the longer it takes for people to see, the less interest it will get.
if you been to a event the last thing you want is for the video of the day to be put up 2 weeks even more later, so as much as you would like to spend lots of time with different cools ideas, sometimes the basic has to do.

I see that although i cover events, it only seems to be once in a while not because there is nothing to cover, but because i am not creating a networking basis outside of social media.

i see that on days where i am depressed, nothing i do gets me out of it, which means i go to my covers and just binge watch show, instead of doing something to help my community out, or better yet be social !!!!

In all honestly i wish so many things in my life were either fixed or helped, i wish i could go to a place to use internet fast without having to pay for it, yes i know that does not exisit lol
i wish that just for once i could catch a break, weather that is getting help with my learning difficulties or with my mental health, but most of all having the courage to start up conversations with people instead of always waiting for someone to say hi to me.
People can say to you, you just got to force yourself to do these things, but i have tried so many times, and i can honestly say that is not me and never will be, i do not have that drive, that confidence to, and i have tried to accept who i am and accept that although i wanting things in my life, i have to just wait for them or be happy with what i have.


So when people say talking about your problems is bad, or people may think you as a strange person and not want to talk to you, ??? they are right, but what you have to do is push the people away who do not believe in you, who choose to talk behind your back, who does not understand what you go through, and who would rather laugh at you for who you are because they think they are better then you !!!!!!!
find the people that matter to you, and keep finding more and more people and eventually you will bulid a network of people that can help you when you feel down to pick you back up again !!!

Thank you for reading yet another blog about my ramblings, i call it of a mad man, because i think thats what a lot of people think of me, or of those who suffer, and just want to express how they feel (:

The next blog post i promise will be a happy one and about my progress at the gym (:


 























 

 

The moments that defined the person i am today | DanielMarshallAdventures

So as many of you know by know after writing over 50 Blog posts i am a very open person, i talk about a lot of things, i share onto my personal life where businesses i have networked with, and others can see the real me.
Not caring what impact it might have on that side of life because if i can not be who i am then i do not see the point in even trying to do the things i love.

To me this a special post and will be the most open post so far and its also a very important month in my life, that started the change last year to the person i am.
So in this post i am going to let you know the moments that defined my life, the problems i had to overcome, and bits of my life you never know before today.

I suppose to start where it all began, is when i was around 3, from the earliest i can remember.
From that age till i was 18 i had to put up with a abusive dad who would not only be emotional abuse but very physical as well.
Police got involved so many times but choose not to do anything.

My Dad was obsessed with the fact he had something wrong with him, and would often spend days shouting, at my mum, saying i am going to die, the doctors wont listen, they wont help, they think, i am a physco, which would then often lead to my mum being beaten up, my dad smashing the place, and lots of shouting and me having to sit on the top of the landing listening to make sure my mum was ok, to rush down, to save her.

I remember one day, when i was young, it was one of the worst weather days i had ever seen, and just bolted it down with thick hail most of the day.
My dad had made himself so ill, with his own stupidness  that we had to go down and see him.

We walked a hour in the bad weather, for my dad to cry and moan, and when he did not get his own way he shouted for us to go.

Later that evening they had let him go, and well when he came back decided to smash the place.

Christmas was a day that was never enjoyed, and around 3 times i think it was, he would go crazy and tear everything up, he hated Christmas that much.
Just when you think he had calmed down the next day, where we would have a boxing day, platter of meats etc, he would start with the smashing again.

Some years we went to aunties to stay the night it got that bad, for him to then call round the next day and start on them for us being there.

Over the years things only got worse, i was shouted at and called stupid because i could not tie laces, even when i was 16 saying at his age he should f.... be able to.
Yeah hardly going to have the confidence to be able to when i am always put down.
which only the last year i have found out that its not my fault i can not tie which ill explain later.

Around the start of primary school, i had massive toilet problems which i was made fun of, calls names etc, and was heavily  bullied for, which the bullying only got worse, because word got out about my dads shouting etc.

I was put on so many different tablets and horrible tasting stuff i had to take.
I had took this for over 10 years, and was in so much pain, to only find out that it was stress that was causing it, and I managed to partly move away from it, when i was 18 and since then i no longer have those problems (:

With everything that was going off in my life, i became very depressed, often crying, and running away from home about 5 times ):

My schools never bothered to get any help for me, and my mum even though she was suffering never did anything about it either.

This then led to getting inanity as well with all the bullying that i had in my life, i find it hard to talk to people, i would be scared all the time, and would get panic attacks.

I tried to get myself a girlfriend, but had many conflicting feelings of wanting to be with someone to get rid of the pain but at the same time pushing them away because of not wanting that person to hear and see what went on in my life.

I was born in Nottingham, and i took my Girlfriend one day to wollation hall, my mum had rang up in the day, and all you could hear was my dad shouting.
I fell to pieces crying, and even my Girlfriend could hear the convo.

I did not want to go home, my girlfriend did not know what to do, and after hours the police was called, as i had no where else to go, but i did not want to go home.
They let me know they could not force me to go home due to being 18 and having my own life choices now.
I had no choice and had to go back.
Problem was that everytime the police had to visit my dad, it only made him worse as soon as they went he would shout saying how dare you bring the pigs into it again.

Months later i snapped and had enough, one day when things were going off again i dragged my mum outside and said im sorry ive had enough this has to end, called the police and got my dad out of the house for a few days.
We got some things that we could carry, and went to a homeless shelter.
after a year of moving to 3 different temporary accommodation, we finally got a permanent place.

The first few months was great and i finally could focus in life,
I had been talking to a girl for a few months online and from there we became Together.

Weather something in my mum changed, or she did not like my choice of a girlfriend, but she started to be very demanding, shouting, and it was like having my dad back.

My depression came back, and again i found it hard to talk to people other then my girlfriend.
at the time i had just finished college and was on job seekers looking for a job, i was paying 20 pound board and was told if i wanted to buy treats that i had to with my own money,
I had a phone contract on the go, plus i had paid for broadband, which we both used.
I left her note one weekend as she was at work, and i was heading off to spend the weekend with my ex.
and that i could not afford some of the board this week, due to wanting to spend money doing things with my girlfriend, who i was trying to build a life with.
Its not like i said i was not paying it, so instead of understanding, she sent me a nasty text saying how dare you do, i want you out.

After hours of arguing, i had to travel back to nottingham, to collect my things, to then travel back to Grantham, to spend the week at my exs parents house.
Which then after going to the council to explain my situation i was told i could not be put on any form of list that i had to of at least lived in Grantham for 3 months.

So back to Nottingham again to beg to put in a homeless shelter.
After a few weeks i managed to find a shared house.

As you can imagine they not only took a tole on me but being with my girlfriend as well, i want not myself, i could not think right yet only, think about spending time with her.
she would come over at the weekend, but most of the time, to only hear shouting and fighting that a couple was doing in the shared house.
I had moved away from that experience to be back where i started.

We almost split up but we powered through it, and a year later, i found myself a shared house in Grantham.

Things started to get much better, i was eating a lot better, as i was thin as a rake due to not having much money having to spend it, seeing my ex, and although i could see my ex at the weekends, it was the first time i had to depend on myself, which i was struggling with.

Back then because i was 25 job seekers was only 55 pounds a week.
after 6 months of being in Grantham, the person who owned the house was selling to move to another location.
we was put in the situation of me finding another shared house, or moving into with each other.
we managed to get a place, and it was like trouble just had to follow us.
This time, loud music out 2am, banging and much more from the places below us as we was renting a place with 2 other rooms in the house.

On top of all that, i was struggling getting used to having so much time with each other.
Since all my life was stuck in a room, gaming to distract me from my parents i got used to that alone feeling.
the first few months were hard on each both, but at time went by we got used to being with each other and i learned to open up to her.

I got myself a job, but was still no good, at talking to people, i also was struggling at every job i had.
we moved into somewhere better, and again things were looking up.

the last 2 years of us being together was not great, her parents decided it was a good idea that everytime i did something wrong or lost a job, to have a right go at me.
Which i understood there reasons for it due to wanting their daughter to have financial backing, to afford things in life and to keep the place we was living in.

But it was like they was trying to be my parents and i hated that, and even to start with i had to have a go at my girlfriend, for having a go at me as well about it, instead of talking to me why i lost the job.

Eventually she started listening and backing me up as well.

Even though i was happy with her, most days something just did not feel right.
most days i needed to feel secure, and would often get bored and lonely, and not feel right when she was off to work, and i had the place to myself for 6 hours.

It was like even if we was not doing anything together, eg watching tv etc. just her being in the house make me feel more at ease.

I never saw help for this and my girlfriend never really noticed it enough to tell me to get help.
I think, the reason i craved to feel at ease was from everything that had happen to me in the past.
then the day came i did the most stupid thing ever.

I was sick of us arguing over such stupid things but also not wanting the neighbours to hear and for us to get kicked out.
the last 2 years we was together we just aruged a lot, of many different things, and i could feel inside not wanting to become my dad but i could not control, aruging back some things were might fault and some hers thats what arugements are like.

there were weekends where she would see her family who only lived 25mins walk, and already saw them a lot, and i wanted to spend time with her or we had planned something for her, which instead became us going over to theres.
do not get me wrong most of the times i liked going over to her paretns but it was the point that we had planned stuff and it was like that did not matter.

I cant remember what it was about, all i can remember is one day while she was at work, she was talking to someone about something, on facebook, on the computer, which we often shared the computer and left our facebooks open, as we trusted each other.  and not remembering what is was about, so much has gone off in my life its hard to remember everything.
I had enough of the lies,  she texted me saying she left her keys at home so could i let her in when she texted coming back.

I took my keys and went out. i was upset and not thinking, said some mean things by text and asked to meet in a public place to talk. which clearly saying mean things before meeting up is not a good idea.

She decided weather she had enough of me, but instead of ringing me or meeting me to ring her parents.
I managed to get through to her a hour later, and she said i am with my paretns and i want you to come back to give me my keys.
I also said i would only if her paretns was not going to be around knowing how much they like to show their authoirty.

After a hour of aruging of her saying they would be involved, she got the police involved, and they wanted me out after pulling that stupid move.

Which to some understanding i knew that was the right choice.
things was not exactly going right with us anyway, so maybe this was the right thing to do.

Although i had no where to go, no money, no friends, and my family wanted nothing to do with me, and i did not really want nothing to do with them.

My ex still had feelings for me and so did i, i hardly ate, my depression came back even worser then when i had to deal with crap from my dad.
my brain was a mess and i was not thinking at all, all it could think about was being back with her.
we tired to make things work, but not ended up aruging again, and me saying email after email, being a wreck saying sorry, and a hell of a lot more.

Her paretns was not happy and again got the police involved, i was given my first caution.
I had manged to get into supported housing, and well as i explained before in a time where i needed the help, to snap out of my stupid brain i could not get the help till it was to late.
In those following months, even though i could end up in jail, and was told off by so many people to stop, i could not stop wanting to contact her and so sorry.

I just wanted to take back what i had done, and to explain myself to her face.
I let my life slide away, not wanting to do anything because nothing mattered.

I learned however that all the times i lost my job, and all the times i was shouted at for no reason, because i could not do something was because, i lacked hand coordination.
I also suffered from not being dumb, knowing how to do something like tie laces, but my hands getting all confused and not being able to do it.

This time it was the first time of being alone, where i had this similar issue in nottingham, at least i had my ex to talk to and be around.
This time i had no one and was going getting worse by getting a second caution.

My support worker, got to know me and what i liked doing, which was making videos, and said why dont you see if you could make a business out of it.

I went to lincoln on a course to learn about starting up your own business.
I poured everything i could into it, just to distract my brain from thinking of her.
it seemed to start working, i was going on networking events and working on my business plan.

Now i do not care if my ex decides in rest of the write up to report me, tell her friends about me etc, and try to get her parents involved more, because, i have turned my life around which you will get to find out later on in this post.
I have also learned in life to be strong, be smart, my ex could aruge the fact that i have written this and its targeting her, expect i have not mentioned her name in any of my posts i do.
its a free world and i am allowed to explain how i feel about events that went off in my life.
and as you read more you will understand (:

The next moments really defined my life, to what it is now and was the turning point to get my life back on track.

I use social media a lot because as a growing business that is what you need to use to get your content out there.

all what i am about to say i have screen shot everything and the police know about it, and well as many people (:

I put a picture of me at a networking event on twitter, i got a email through saying my ex had liked the tweet,
now for someone who got the police invovled twice to make me stay away, seemed a bit odd.
Maybe it was a miss hit, the question in the first place was why was she even checking my twitter, because she had already moved on with another guy?

few days later another email, my ex liked something else i posted, miss click one let off miss click twice now something is up.

I fell into her stupid sick game, weather it was her plan, her bfs, or her parents who knows but i decided to send over 10 emails, asking what the hell is going off, and me being silly me wanting to be with her again.

she never replied to them, when a few days later, her mum who has twitter, liked something i put on twitter.

few days later i gets a knock on the door, and arrested for contacting her, her plan worked.
I got a court date a month later, and i just kept getting my head down trying to start my business up.
I got prank calls cause i had a landline number up on my website for people to contact me, Police tracked and noted it down, i did not want to take action, i did not want things starting again in my life, after trying to tear away from it.
The court date came and went, and although i explained about the contact on twitter, because my actions in the first place was way more then what she had done and because she did not reply to emails, it looked like she did nothing wrong.
I accpeted what i did, because even to this day i should not have kept doing what i was and got hit with a fine, and 12 months where i could not contact her, show up at her work etc.
Some people may and even my ex may think that i should of gone to jail, maybe i was willing to accept any charge.

I knew i was given a second chance at life, and that if i was stupid enough to go down the path of contacting her again this time it would be jail.
something had to change in my life, so i looked at my fitness, looked at my life and started down the path of leading my own life, for the first time.
I took part in a tennis scheme, tennis being something i loved playing, but my fitness level were very poor and also i never played tennis to learn how to, just something i use to hit the ball any how with my ex.
Now i do not know what my ex was thinking, weather she hated me that much, because she did not get the result she wanted from the court, but i think if someone is took to court for harrsement then, if that other person does something which is not right they should get in trouble to.
My ex thought it was a grand funny thing, to put up a tweet with a attchement to the local journal about which mentioned people that had been to the court in lincoln.
Saying that she was finally happy to get the closure she needed.
I did not see this but rather heard it from someone else, in my terms of court order it was not to also stork her on social media, which again i did not but when you can not live your life because of fear of just that being targeted then what else are you supposed to do.
Should i have reported it yes, but again i just could not put up with the hassle, and it being took to court.

Numerous times before court she had put on twitter that she just wish people would move on,
and yet for someone who has clearly moved on and with someone else, i honestly think deep down even if its hate for me, she still feels the need to somehow be a part of my life.

Moving on, I started to go out for walks something i really struggled with since being with her, due to my own body, even though we did some sport, after looking back at my life, i realised that i stopped doing sport and let my fitness go because i wanted to spend so much time with her and never really focus on what i wanted to do in life, that and gaming took over my life as well (:

I loved the adventures we went on but also struggled with long day outs and countryside walks.

Something i was kind to improve on now i was on my own.
around this time i got funding, to start up my own business, brought equipment, and started networking and working on tester videos.
I also tried to get out of the house, to not let my depression win and learn how to do photography.

as you can see i had no idea how to do it back then and my shots were awful.


I got my head down on my computer most days, learning how to do motion graphics, just learning.
The trouble was the more i started to learn the more i lost the enjoyment of making videos and even photography,
it made me feel worse and would send my depression out of control.
I would get frusated at myself because i had it planned in my head how i wanted a video to go, for x business but lack the confidence, and the time sitting all day trying to edit the video.
spending days watching Youtube Videos how to create something that was only a few seconds long but would make a huge difference in the quality of videos.

After having many meetings with advisers i decided to put the business on hold, to not only try and still get the help i need with my mental health but to learn even more.

I got myself to a gym, and started really pushing, as i was sick of how weak i was, connected with a fellow person who also went to the same gym and just all my emotions into it.

My photography was improving, and i loved networking with people, when someone i did not expect to happen to not only Grantham but Lincolnshire was closures of A & E Turning 24 hours, to a lot less hours and on the threat to this day of being closed.

This day was one of many turning points in my life.
I wanted to help out the only way i could think of which was to film it and take photos.

I got a overwhelming support from the community, and even though my photography was improving i still say for the time my photos was not that good.

I slowly started to open myself up more talking about my issues, which tied in really to what was going off, as it was more then just Hospital closures but cuts being made to the NHS services like the mental health etc.

I opened up to the people that i was helping with my work, and they understood and talk to me when i do feel down, and understand me way better then the mental health team and doctors.

Although around this time of trying to make friends, i had some people i started to get to know that i had to block because, they know of my ex, and i also knew from the way our convos went that, my ex has been saying stuff about what happended and also warning them off me.
my ex really did not want me to turn my life around at all.
so i toughen up and thought i would rather have no friends, then talk to people who do not understand me and i know dont care, or there just to mess me about.
2017 hit and its been a amazing year so far.

I went to cover more events, with photography and videos, i started networking with more people, and more and more i was surrounding myself with people who were there for me,

The more i opened up the more happyier i felt and the more, please understood about some of my issues.

I continuously got my head down and poured everything i had, my depression kept fighting back even harder, and days where i would fall about over nothing, and days where i knew why i was feeling the way i did and that trying to move on, but struggling to cope and thinking of the past.

as i have mentioned before i am a dabbler and i think because i never really opened myself up for trying new things in the past, this year was going to be different, i learned about social media marketing, i started writing blogs to go with photography and videos i was doing.
Posts like the NHS Marches, Businesses that i had networked with, and explaning why that business was good, taking photography and really wanting to help lincolnshire grow.

Life was finally making sense to me, I joined a running club because as well as wanting to get stronger, i wanted to work on my stamina, meeting new people and being a part of the community.

My photography is something that only keeps improving and is where it is helping the community the most and where i find myself the most confident and can network with people.
Ok i am not running a business like i wanted but i used my experience to do it as a hobby, while still having business elements to it, so one day when i am ready to take that adventure i have already bulit myself something amazing to go and continue with.

I was never the brightest of sparks, but because i was forced into being on my own, by my own actions, i learned to grow up, i learned to pay more attention to what goes off in the world.
and in my eyes which i will never change my mind on this, in some messed up way, i needed to go to court, and i need that puinshment so it finally drilled some god dam sense into me, and to force me out of my sprialling circle i was in.

I have done things i never would of dreamed off because i keep on fighting and pushing, to be better and better.
my confidence comes from wanting to be heard, and wanting to prove to my past, all my past that i am here to stay and that i can do great things !!!!

sometimes in order to discover who you are and what you are supposed to do in life you must first, go from having nearly everything in life to having nothing and having to build it back up.
That is what has happen, in my new life, i have true friends, not friends i hanged out with for the sake of it because i had no one else.
I have more drive, more fitness then i ever have done in life,
Ive been on the radio twice and planning right now with someone on a third one.
I have been in the journal not for something bad this time but for mutiple good things i have done.
I fight because i want to, because i need to if i want to prove to myself and my past that i have learned to adapt to my problems and embrace them,

I learned to be smarted, and record everything that may seem like a attack, like blog posts that have been tracked to Grantham, one of my posts about if i had a million pounds what would i do.
comments like i would pay 1 million people a pound to smash your teeth in, to comments from the same person replying to themselfs about buying a fish tank on ebay and someone commenting saying they have one in Grantham and they live on x street, which just made me laugh so much, so thanks for making my day there (:

I used to watch videos with my ex on Youtube about when people get famous how much hate they get.
well i am not famous and do not see myself ever be, but in a way i have turned my life around and well some people.... in Grantham, tracked location, do not want to see me do that or be happy.

I think its sad that there is always 2 sides to story, and yet, when someones from your past, judges you based on what they have heard from others rather then getting to know you, i think its so sad really.

My ex might write a blog post back about what i have said, let her, my ex may try and get people to scare me... guess what let her, and my ex, may try and take me to court, but this time, i have a strong backing because i am learning to turn my life around, i am not perfect and will never be, and i would be lying if i said i have completety turned my life around, because i do still struggle in life and i am no where near getting fixed down to the stupid help i can not get.

I am no longer afarid of what people think of me, and what may happen in my life now that i have posted this blog.
If i can not be open about my problems then i honestly do not see why i would even bother doing anything i do.

Being open is the best feeling in the world, not many people can do it, not because they do not want to but because of fear,... yes fear of us, us humans.
we are our own problems, we judge people we put titles on them and we look down on others, like people with mental health problems are monsters.

Like we have no feelings, i was talking to a few tennis players i get on well with the other week about mental health after having a big melt down.
one person was furious about the support i have not been able to have, having to wait 5 months just to get 3 months of help before having to wait the same amount of time again to get more help.

the person said that, its also how people look at each other, if someone was in a cast, due to a accident then people would make sure they are ok, but if someone is looking down, its we dont want to talk to them, dont want to make ourself feel down or go down to common social standing, be seen with less.

on a positive note mental health is being talked about more and more people are understanding but its still going to be someone, people choose to look down on, all the people can do who suffer is keep proving those who treat us wrong, that we are hear for a reason, that we all have different talents and just because someone may be feeling down does not mean they are useless.
I started to bulid my confidence i know what i am good at and what i am not so good at and just fount ways to cope and work around things.

I was going to write this blog at the end of this month because my 12 months of not contacting her, would be up,
it was going to be a look back blog, but i felt the need to write about it now.
should i have written it after knowing that i could somehow get in trouble still, maybe but again i fear nothing.
to me its also a test, and a way of being the most open i have ever been.
this month is going to be hard for me, because its going to test me so much, and have already had rough sleeping nights of thinking about things.
but lets see, if i get any nasty comments, prank phone calls or anything, that my ex or her friends want to do to see if they can break me (:

one of the things that just proves people wanted to test me was the fact that since i mentioned 4 blog posts back that all comments was being monitored and traced, that i have not had any bad comments since, or 100 comments within a hour of clearly the same person being stupid,

I did some very stupid things in my life, and i was not a good person, am i good person know, yes maybe i dont know, i just keep trying to be me and do what i love.
So what if i may scare some people, and people know about my past and choice to not speak to me, if those people are so low minded then i do not need them in my life (:
maybe i have not been able to find someone else to be with because of my past who knows ??
i just focus on what i wanted to do in life, and things like a girlfriend come second (:

whose to say that i wont ever do anything stupid in my life again ?
all i can do is keep pushing to improve, to hit targets and enjoy the live i have got now !!!
this blog post i have written for 4 hours straight, and it has tired me, more mentally having to bring stuff up, but i will feel more happier with doing so (:

all i want to do in life now, it forget about the past, and keep driving forward, i know i can never be with my ex and that everything happends for a reason i have believed that even since the court case, its why i have the great life i have now, i will have my ups and down, but what breaks us only makes us stronger.
she has bulit a life with her new partner doing the things she wants to do in life, and i have done the same with my life, i am happy for her and will always be just as i am happy with the progress i am making (:

Thank you for reading i let you decide, on what you think of me, just know that given a amount of time, people can start to change, and people have new paths to take, which may or may not lead them into a better life, you just got to embrace it, and see where life takes you.

PS, if sorry for my spelling and grammer i feel it only get worse lol also, sometimes even if you read it all through 2-3 times to make sure it makes sense you end up missing bits of sentences, so if i have started explaining things and not carried on please let me know (: