This post is going to be split into 2 sections, which will reflect on each other, a section focusing on my life, and a section, on what is next for media Career (:
I have mentioned in a lot of blog posts about mental health, which i will be touching up a little in this post.
Over the past year a lot has changed in my life, and every month i started to accept who i am, my strengths, weakness, things wrong with me etc.
Every month, i learned to be more open about these problems to people, and this year i have been the most open i have ever been.
I am doing something not a lot of people can do because of how it impacts their social standards, or even impacting who they network with, or who even sees what they say online.
I put things in these posts knowing it links with my media life, the people i help in my local community, because i am one person, and my social standard does not bother me, in fact i have fount the more open i have been, it is not affected networking with people.
they understand me, they take the time, to know what i go through but also how confident of a person i can be and what creative skills i have to help them out.
The last year has been a very hard battle, with not being able to get help from the mental health services, to not beening able to get help with my learning difficulties to even getting permanent housing sorted.
at the start of 2016 i had broke up with girlfriend, due to a lot of things that were my own fault, and i realized i was not happy with the person i was, after suffering, 18 years of my dad being verbal and physically abusive to my mum, i managed to move away from it, this cause the depression i have today, with the anxiety and learning diffcults i have because my parents did not have the patience to help me learn, instead all i ever got was shouted out.
this can have a big impact on your brain, when you think your safe and fixed you do not realize your own actions.
it has such a psychological impact on the way you act, even if your happy with your life at the time.
every relationship, has arguments and fights at some point, but having my past experience in my brain meant that, often i did come across, as possibly verbal abusive.
did not help that we both liked to win as such, and even though i loved with my last girlfriend to bits, we did fight a lot over such stupid things.
the first year was the worst as i was not at all used to spending time with someone, as up till i was 18 most of my life was spent in my bedroom, pushing away the pain, and shouting and much more going off.
I never got help, while i was with my girlfriend, so after the break up, i knew a lot of things needed to change in my life.
a period where i needed the help i could not get it till it was to late.
since then its been a year and half of self discovery, of changing the person i was, learning about the world, helping people who suffer with the same problems, helping the community, making friends something i never had, becoming stronger, faster, fitter, just getting my head down, and working hard to make a difference in my life.
A lot of people look down on mental health, and a lot of the things i have to deal with on a day to day basis, accumulate to my overall wellbeing.
Things like, not being able to tie laces, not being able to cook, due to knowing how to but my hands to different to what i want to do.
loving writing, but having poor spelling and Grammer.
days where i am happy then all of a sudden without thinking of anything bad, i feel upset, i feel weak, my body then goes weak, and hits a hell of a lot just to even go down some stairs to cook food, or to even tidy my room.
Days where playing sport, doing photography, making videos, or anything just does not make me happy, and nothing i do snaps me out of how i feel, i just have to put up with it, and hope the next day is better.
over the last year and a half, i have been through support housing, which is only temp accommodation for 6 months, you then either move onto their move on flat for 2 years, go to a shared house, or go homeless !!!!
just over 6 months after being with the housing team, i had to find a shared house, which many days ended up with me crying or being frustrated as time was getting closer and closer and i could not find a place.
In the end i had to fund the deposit, from my business loan i got to set up my business, which meant i had less money to spend on equipment.
The first month while i was in the shared place,was great, it was a wonderful place to me it felt luxury !!!
Sadly my depression kicked back super bad and from there it got worse and worse, often my room not getting tidy, and being told off for it, i was told if it was not going to get better that they would have to let me go.
often i did tidy up, but fount myself getting in a circle, due to my depression, keeping in my room most of the time.
around this time i did start tennis but it was only once a week, so other then that and going to gym, most of my time was spent in my room.
when i was with my girlfriend, i always washed up, made the place look nice, but for some reason, that motivation had just gone, i knew i was in the best place in the world and what did i decide to do but let it get underneath me.
The landlords were the best people in the world, i often had good chats with them, heck we all even went out for a few drinks, they were that sort of people that, wanting you to feel accepted there.
But because it was nice place of course i dont blame them for wanting people to respect the place.
i would be the same if i was letting someone rent my place for example (:
After this i fell back with support housing which is where i am today.
and i find myself in the same circle i was in last year !!!!
Problem is because i do not work, on Job seekers, its been a tough year, just to be able to enjoy a day out, or even have a game of pool with people, because of the lack of money.
I pay for gym, tennis, phone, broadband, kind of broadband, princess trust loan, which is a 2 year pay back, editing software to do my photography and videos, food, rent, once you added how much i pay for everything i am left with 20-25 a month to spend with, to go on having a game of pool etc.
If being part of a running club i struggle, even though the membership for it is paid yearly, which is only 24 pounds, there are events that go off, around lincolnshire and nottingham that i would love to go, but cant afford because if i did that one thing, i would not be able to do anything else in that month.
which for me i hate being in the house, ok some days its great to able to watch some shows, but that is where my depression hits the most.
Its why i play tennis so much because it makes me happy (:
so when it comes to money i struggle, i also struggle to work, every job i have had ive lost.
struggling, trying my hardest but never being able to cope, i dont cope at all in the heat, anything over 20 makes me feel ill, to the point i do nothing all do but watch tv, and even that i struggle with, i cant move,
what worries me is because my mood depsite trying so hard to keep my mind busy, is so all over the place, i dont have the drive or moatvaition to even do the things i love like tennis, photography etc.
which means they will be a lot of days where i cant even move to go to work, even if it is for money, my brain and body shut down.
there are days where i had to force myself through a lot of pain, to go out and play tennis because its what i love and i know i cant sit in all day, and sometimes i come back, feeling upset and worse for going because i have not been able to play, my legs have not been able to move like on some days where i can play great.
so if i cant even do what i love most days, what on earth would it be like working, i would struggle more which then would end up losing job, getting stresssed and worried having to re apply for jobseekers, and then the circle of life starts again !!!!
Even starting up my own business, made me depressed, in fact it sent it into overdrive, and for months i hated making videos so i didnt.
so now i have a situation that is one forward and 2 back.
the council put me forward, onto a housing association there new way of dealing with people on the waiting list for a place !!!! ):
Its my own permanent flat, i have to pay for water, and electric, which is fine to me, ok i will have fork out a extra 15 a month to what i am paying now but for my own place thats the cost.
Until you learn the extra costs, !!!!!!
which i cant afford, so i have had to put in a form, asking for it.
this scheme to get the money you have to pay back per week, which is around 5-10 pounds a week, which i can not afford due to all the bills i already have.
on top of that, most of what i own belongs to the support housing i am in.
so things like fridge, freezer, washer, even a bed and more i would need to buy which again i have no money for that.
i have been told, there are compaines out there that for 20 pound you can pick 4 items etc.
which is only a small fix and would cost me.
so at the moment i have all this worries on my mind, which has been making me stressed and very worried.
I have never had a place by myself, if i struggle to cope in support housing how am i going to cope in my own place !!!!!!!!!
On the plus side its my own place, i can have friend over, not that it would have a tv to keep them entertained or anything for them to sit down on.
overall my mental health has in some what come along way since the break up with my ex but in other ways its still just as bad.
Even if i took the flat with the housing support and not this company, it would be exaulty the same just minus the upfront rent and it would only be for 2 years !!!!!
Its a circle that, i honestly have no idea what i suffer with, because i can not get a proper assesment to have it on paper, which then impacts on getting other help.
in this day and age everything needs to be proved, you cant get access or funding from one support unless you have prove that you have sed thing wrong with you.
and in Lincolnshire its impossible to get that.
I dont expect everything to be handed to me, i have worked so hard in the last year to try and keep my self to myself, i worked hard to push through my problems but to also help my community as well.
just sometimes you need that help, you need to be open about what is wrong, in order to sometimes get the help you have been looking for.
and sometimes you honestly just think what is the point trying, there are lots of times i have given up, spent days crying, and seeing no point to life, then i bounce back stronger then ever, but then it just keep going in a never ending dam loop !!!!
so i have explained about my life so how does this affect my media life.
Last year the thing i aimed to do was to work with businesses, creating videos, professional creative videos, from tours of their shops, to interviews etc
when i first started i had no internet so everything i had to learn about it, i had to use public WiFi, sometimes even costing money like a drink just to use it.
i would download youtube videos on the topics and then watch them over and over, to make the videos.
i loved making videos, but often it was tedious, it was stressful, a lot of times stuff would not work or it was not how i visioned it in my brain.
I had to deal with not only making the videos, but how i would get clients, my books, invoices, the lit goes on.
the more time i spent on the business the more it made me feel worse.
at this point i was also learning photography and found that i was enjoying this a lot more.
i use this to my advantage, spent less time on videos and more on photography, i managed to connect with people this way and even help my local community.
I tried to get back into videos this year, even covering gigs but again after looking at the results and time spent on photography to compared to videos, i fount that my photography was doing way better.
I also saw a trend that covering events video wise rather then doing a business video, had much better results and i could be more creative with the video without needing to learn complex editing skills.
The difference between editing for pleasure and editing for a event is so much different.
its all time based, which makes you have to work very hard to do only do a great job but to also have it ready within a day to get maximum coverage.
some events i covered i would be there for 6+ hours, then i would have to sit through and edit it, and it made for a very long day/ days, i was always happy with the result but at the same time it would make me a little unhappy because it put so much stress on me.
which made it worse when the days hit where i would do nothing all day, knowing i have such important thing to do and just having no get up and go.
So i have had to make a very important decision one that has upset me but one that has to be done,
Unless its a very important event, i have decided to stop making videos.
there are so many companies and video producers now in Lincolnshire, its getting harder to compete with them, mainly because they have a team, but not only that i just cant seem to get the ideas from my head into the projects.
I had this huge project i wanted to have on the go, making a video for the tennis club i go to.
the process was to get a cool intro welcoming to the club, get talks with a lot of the staff, coaches, get shots of all ages playing tennis, making those shots slow motion, adding lots of graphics and making it look awesome.
Again what you have in your head to what you can create is very challenging, a project i started i never finished because it just would not happen the way i wanted it to in the program ):
so i realized instead of wasting time trying to create something i cant, i need to focus on what i enjoy but also what people are liking.
I have to admit, the video industry it what i set out to be in, i never knew that looking photography and using it to help people could lead to things, and be better then my videos.
Not only that but combinding photography, and blogging about it was working as well (:
there are a lot of bloggers out there that do not see results, or never have connections with people other then online.
what i have managed to create is my love for photography and helping people, that then i have managed to network with, and bulid a community around me who then read, like and share.
my viewers are not random people from the net, who only know a bit about my life, my views are the people i talk to and see in real life !!!!
I may not have my business i wanted, but in life you make lots of decisions some bad some very bad, you make enemies and you make bloody good friends.
which then make really good times and memories.
this year has been the hardest and no doubt will only get harder but i am almost happy with my life as it is now, because i have awesome friends who understand me, and i have a awesome community of people that i look up to and want to help.
The problem i have had is i am a explorer and creator, i like to try lots of different things, mostly in the creative sector, what can i say my brain thinks to much, hence why this incredible long blog post !!!!!
But it is who i am, i have tried to understand who i am and to be honest i come up blank everytime,
all i know is my photography is what is helping people and my blogs, so that is what i shall keep doing (:
some people may call me lazy, some people may say i dont have issues, some people may say that i am stupid, my past may tell people to stay away from me.
all i can say is, as the saying goes dont judge a book by its cover,
unless your sat face to face talking to me to understand my life, you can not go by what other say, you can not look down on me, when you know nothing about me (:
I use to be a coward, letting people put me down all the time, afarid to speak my mind, but now i stand up, and i face it head on, life has taught me to try and be strong and that is what i have done.
I may not have a lot of things like most people do, but as long as i can play tennis, take photos and do what i love then i am happy, i dont need wealth when i have a community !!!!!!
Thank you for reading, i know i moaned a lot about my life but i just wanted people to know that i may seem to be here there and everywhere doing a lot of things, looking happy, but a lot goes off in my life that i have to battle with, so i leave you with some advice.
try to understand that person before you decide weather you want to help or not speak to them.
if you know someone who is telling you to stay away from that person, do not listen, again instead, listen to them, get both sides and make your decision then.
most of all, do not let society tell you how to dress, how you should look, act etc you are you, if people do not like you then that is there issue, i find a lot of people try to be part of trends to fit in, they change who they are because they do not have friends, and want some.
the greatest fear is being alone but its through being alone, you learn to cope, that may seem stupid at first but its the truth, if you really get your head down and foucs on what you love doing, you will then find the right friends, you will then find people take instrest in what you do, and then you will have a great life (:
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