2016 was a very hard year, but 2017 has really changed my life, it has shocked me so i wanted to go through the bad and good points over the last 2 years.
Now I think i have gone into a lot of what happened in 2016 so i will try to briefly explain.
After suffering with depression and anxiety while being with someone for 5 years, things started to fall apart, and in the end due some major faults of my own we broke up a few days into 2016.
At that point i was homeless, i had no friends and i did not want to be around my family.
I tried to kill myself, for 6 months i barley ate, hardly leaving my room, and everyday crying, tearing myself apart.
I could not stop contacting my ex because she was everything, as i did not have a good childhood or a great life overall until i met her.
I was also bullied at school for being the quite one, and no matter how much i tried to fit in i was always picked on and looked down upon.
so for me because i had never made friends, and spent my time making sure she was happy, i just felt like i had nothing to live for.
I had never got help for my issues, and no one suggested about it either until the break up.
I ended up getting a 12 month harassment thing where i could not contact her, etc and i decided then that clearly i was never going to see or speak to her again even as friend so to now focus on turning my life around.
Throughout 2016 i tried to make friends from Grantham online, as my social skills have never been great, and to some it may seem like freckish messaging people on facebook around the local area i dont know.
To me i am confident online, and to me because i struggle so much with people skills in the real world, i would much rather get to know people online for a while first before meeting to be friends.
We somehow still live in a world that people look down upon you for that, and social media has grown so much that i do not see what the issue is now days.
It was not until i started trying to cover events with my photography and videos that i started to find where i belong within the local community.
by the end of 2016 I had managed to find myself a training partner at the gym, as i was really struggling to use the equipment and push myself to go.
what i often get return is people who do not know me being so nasty
Tbh i blame technology, we live more and more in a very anti social and nasty world where everyone inc females will look down at someone they dont even know because of how they look, when trying to get to know someone people will make the stupid viral word of your not my type which is just a lazy way to hold back a nasty comment they want to make on your looks.
like how is someone not your type when all you wanna do is be friends with that person?
It just mades me really angry that these people have nothing better to do in their lives then to look down on others.These people are normally so up their ass that they think they have the perfect friends and the perfect life.
For me i do not judge, on looks, age etc, because a lot of people have forgotten that personality is key.
You could be at society puts it hot as fuck, but you could be a total bitch inside, one that talks behind peoples back, laugh and put others down, just to make their own lives less boring (:
With having my own experiences of hanging out with people at school just to have friends, when in reality all they ever did was take the piss out of me.
at the time i thought having nasty friends was better then having no one but i soon realized that i would rather suffer alone then hang out with those who would only make my depression worse.
So when i started making my first friend i did not know what to expect, he soon became my best friend, as i made more friends online and through tennis and covering events my confidence started to Bulid.
Over the course of 2017 my physical health has only kept growing, and i have been able to achieve so much because of it.
When i was at the gym though i often did struggle with my grip still as well as knowing how to do said workout but after being shown needing help straight away, as i understood what to do but my body would not do the same.
so one of the workouts is using cables, so you arch your back out and pull the cable from your lower chest back up and i could never keep my arms in the right place.
with the deadlifts i kept moving my whole body instead of just standing up.
The annoying thing was i did not know i was doing it when lifting.
I would be told again and again from my friend but most of the time my body never listened.
so overall to people it looks like i am dumb when i am not its just my body is not on the same wave length as my body.
so for me i have to try twice as hard over doing it just to try and keep calm to do the workouts but also push to compete with what they were lifting in terms of weight.
I manage somehow to turn my upset and anger into raw strength, and its amazing how much push i have that only keeps surprising me more and more.
After a few months of using gym gloves for my grip, i eventually stopped using them, which things like the lat pull down and the max rack was still digging into my hands but now i could tolerate the pain a lot more.
Although throughout this year i have been able to get stronger, and more confident around the gym in terms of using the equipment by myself and even trying equipment i was scared to by myself, my confidence around others is still something i need to work on.
I have managed to take part in one class that has changed my stamina and speed, and had be fun and a lot of competition but i have avoided classes like circuits, boxing, dancing and other due to the fact i also need help as i get confused a lot.
On top of that i have this annoying thing about me that i am not confident around females, which in a way out of my own fault its stopped me from being able to explore and train with others in the fun classes.
so instead i just learned to focus on the one class i was good at, and kept aiming to get better and better.
In October it was a double challenge for me as the gym had prizes going for that month so i pushed extra hard but also mixing the watt bike class up with target based sessions.
In the last 3 months i have bonded with people in that class, because of how much everyone pushes themselves to achieve.
Just as i start to win classes and break my own records i have to push even harder as others have pushed just as hard to match me, we all have fun and laughs and its an awesome feeling to be in for that 30 minutes of the class.
In Fact only a week a go to me was the best class ever !!!
I not only got a much higher percentage overall in the class, but beaten records of overall heart rate and peak heart rate for a morning class (:
What amazed me more was a guy that came out of nowhere to match me all the way through that class and ended up beating me toward the end, its a crazy feeling, having the music pumping, seeing how well your doing in front of you, your legs hurting, but out of no where you keep pushing more and more because you want that win !!!!
Its that pure adrenaline rush i have craved more then ever this year, 90 percent of the time, if i running to play shots at tennis, or pedaling fast on the watt bikes, i am happy, i have more engry then i could dream off, my depression gone, i am not worrying or thinking about anything other then pushing my limits more and more.
around 4 months a go i managed to push my heart rate to 195 and it did scare me as for a short while after i did feel dizzy and took me a while to calm down but after something to eat and rest despite reaching my limit, i felt alive and could go again (:
So for me 195 is not good enough in 2018 i wanted to reach at least 200 i know i can do it given the right music and the right situation and as long as i have something with sugar or a bite to eat straight after i will be fine.
Overall i feel the last 4 months something has snapped inside of me, and put me on a even better track in life, it has had it challenges though.
I went through very bad points during those months but without that would not lead me to my new thinking in life and i still do think everything happends for a reason.
The first thing to change was admitting to myself i longer have passion for making videos and to stop trying to keep doing it and then getting stressed over the whole process.
I decided at that point my life needed a new direction, which was to try and go back into Education and study within the health sector.
After a back and forth week of going to the job centre and back to the college, i was told i could not get funding for any level 2, but could for level 3 but cant study level 3 without going on level 2 !!!
I went for the Interview for the course anyway while waiting to hear from the jobcentre over funding.
the course required you to do a screening test aimed at dyslexia.
I got really stressed while taking it and the results showed that i do suffer with it but with it being a screening test it was not a official assessment.
After getting advice from the college i was told it was best to take my GCSES again,
this way it would help re train my brain but also help with getting used to being around others.
i was told however that i would not be able to get any help over my learning diffulty until i was studying a course at the college.
so i started stepping up my already pestering and researching over getting help for my learning diffuclites.
I asked on local facebook groups for any advice, and then i went off contacting lots of different compaines.
most of them either said they was no help, no funding, or to have words with the doctor
The doctors so far in Grantham, either tell you to get over it or do not understand no matter how much you explain things.
I got in touch with a company in Grantham who deal with dyprxia but the problem was they charge 14 pounds per hour, and when i spoke to them, they said i would be looking at a couple of hours a week for at least 1-2 months to chat about the process of getting help etc.
which would be at least 100 pounds a month, and with being on jobseekers i couldnt afford that.
Lots of people have said to me you need to go on ESA again tried that with the useless doctors who take one look at me and go your 26 you look in good shape, if i give you a sick note you would only keep coming back to get one ??? like yeah thats what ESA is you need a sick note to start the application in the first place, and then you need to keep going back in order to keep sending it off so you can get your payments.
i think ive had at least 10 people plus my support worker who say that i need to be on ESA but because the idiot doctors dont understand, then i have just had to stay on job seekers.
A few weeks a go i got in touch with a wonderful company in Lincoln, who understood me very well, and gave me help on the best way to ask for help at the doctors.
This person mentioned that at boston Hospital they look into Learning Difficulties but i would need to be referred by a doctor for it.
So weeks later i was seen by a doctor with my support worker.
I explained everything, inc about the referral, he just shook his head, ingored what i said and moved on in the talk like how rude !!!!
How rude that after 5 times explaining what my issues were and how it affects my day to day life, did it take my support worker to step in as well in order to get a NHS form Printed off, which basically asks you what your issues are and why you need help, which then gets sent back to the doctor and sent away for someone else to look out.
On top of that, on my medical records it was shown that dyslexic was already on there from 2008, 10 years a go !!!
and yet over the last 2 years of seeing over 10 different doctors, not once when mentioning about getting help with it did anyone ever mention my medical records which they would need to look at everytime i asked for help !!!
The Fact as well that it took that many doctors and that many tries to get a NHS form as well is a joke.
See everything is connected, i cant get a proper place to live as i am not high enough on the Counil,
i cant get higher because i do have issues with my mental health and learning, but have not been on paper to help the application move along.
I cant get help for my issues, so my issues gets worse, which impacts my mental and physical health.
and so on.
So in my mind everything i Achieve is always a test for me and has been Extremely hard to push through everything in order to be happy.
Someone once told me, if your capable of playing sport, in good physical health, and do photography, then why are you not working???
For me everyday is a challenge, with my mental health and with how i am able to get things done.
so i already mentioned about my body doing different to my hands because of that, i have last every job i have had in the past.
My depression also having a big impact on working as, its very hard to control, most of the time it just switches on and off, without a cause, when that happens and i am in a crowed place my aniexty then kicks in to make things even worse.
There are days where i feel good and somedays were my bed is the only place i can be all day.
It was not until the end of 2016 that i was told that Physical health helps a lot with these issues.
So I took Charge and quickly learned that being at the gym and at tennis made me super happy.
That right there is the only answer, when i am in that space, most of the time i dont worry, my issues are gone and i feel good about myself, i do often still struggle with social interaction and being around people but when i am there its more under control to compared to working, as its something i am happy about and enjoying, hence the reason why i wanted to start my own business up.
Its taken a year of hard battles, of even having days and weeks where even sport has made me upset and feel worse, to make my physical health much better which had not fixed my mental health but made it so much better.
Its one of the things why going back into education is key for me as its taking one step out of my comfort zone, getting used to be around others again and hoping that after my GCSES i can either finally get somewhere with studying within the health sector or have the confidence to work again.
as i may be able to capture photography for events but i am not a confident person around people overall.
Now is partly one of the reasons i decided to take a break from photography, even my Private Counselor argeed, she said i would regret it if i stopped it all together, as its where my creative mind comes from, its my passion and its done wonders with connecting with the local community.
However i often used the camera as an excuse to hide the real me, i used the camera as my confidence, and it got so bad that i really did not enjoy going to things without it.
It did me good but it also was a major issue is enforcing the issue rather then learning to deal with being in a crowed place without it.
i was told that maybe for a short while just go out and take photography of what you like taking, rather then saying right today there is an event ill go and take photos of that.
all my friends and the local community have said the same thing which is just keep being me, keep enjoying what i do as it clearly has been helping.
Technology For me is a blessing and a curse, its a blessing as i am able to help the community, i am able to relax when not working on photos etc, and just watch my fav tv shows, movies and Youtube Videos.
Its a curse as because i have for to long made myself get cosy in the bed, it stops me from leaving as when i feel down, being in bed does not cure but helps make me feel better rather then trying to push through it and be social.
Its been a curse because i have not gone to things that i would enjoy because i havent been in the mood to bring my camera with me and in the last month of not really using it, i have been much happier (:
in the last month i have been more social, i listen more to people, i have slightly changed the way i have been eating, and i have more drive to succeed in life then i have done.
In a way i feel that i am very knowledgeable and easy to talk to because of my life experiences.
I loved being with my partner and yes i do miss her and yes i wish we could be friends,
but at the end of the day, through that experience ending, i am slowly finding the real me.
I have made friends, i have a great community of people that have started to understand me
and slowly i am getting used to being independent.
Its hard, sometimes it does feel lonely, and i know when i was with my partner i did relay on her a lot to do things i could not do, its taken 2 years to adjust myself to my new situation and i love it.
I am close to my flat mates which its the first time being in a shared house i have managed to let my guard down and be myself around others.
In a way they are more people in terms of friends, because we get on so well.
I enjoyed the 5 years i was with my partner and i would not want to change it expect just being able to have friends and learn to be an independent person back then.
and to me my life is only just starting i may be 26 but i feel like a kid again because i am now getting life experiences that i should have had around 19-20.
Overall this year has shown me that although i was not an amazing person with my partner and i had a lot of faults i have battled, to get help over it, i have took the time to learn about my faults and to either fix them or find a way around them.
and for 2018 i hope that i can finally get the help i have been looking for and that my new direction in life will be one with a good meaning, good laughs and great times.
Thank you For Reading and i hope your 2018 brings you some magical (:
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