So as many of you know by know after writing over 50 Blog posts i am a very open person, i talk about a lot of things, i share onto my personal life where businesses i have networked with, and others can see the real me.
Not caring what impact it might have on that side of life because if i can not be who i am then i do not see the point in even trying to do the things i love.
To me this a special post and will be the most open post so far and its also a very important month in my life, that started the change last year to the person i am.
So in this post i am going to let you know the moments that defined my life, the problems i had to overcome, and bits of my life you never know before today.
I suppose to start where it all began, is when i was around 3, from the earliest i can remember.
From that age till i was 18 i had to put up with a abusive dad who would not only be emotional abuse but very physical as well.
Police got involved so many times but choose not to do anything.
My Dad was obsessed with the fact he had something wrong with him, and would often spend days shouting, at my mum, saying i am going to die, the doctors wont listen, they wont help, they think, i am a physco, which would then often lead to my mum being beaten up, my dad smashing the place, and lots of shouting and me having to sit on the top of the landing listening to make sure my mum was ok, to rush down, to save her.
I remember one day, when i was young, it was one of the worst weather days i had ever seen, and just bolted it down with thick hail most of the day.
My dad had made himself so ill, with his own stupidness that we had to go down and see him.
We walked a hour in the bad weather, for my dad to cry and moan, and when he did not get his own way he shouted for us to go.
Later that evening they had let him go, and well when he came back decided to smash the place.
Christmas was a day that was never enjoyed, and around 3 times i think it was, he would go crazy and tear everything up, he hated Christmas that much.
Just when you think he had calmed down the next day, where we would have a boxing day, platter of meats etc, he would start with the smashing again.
Some years we went to aunties to stay the night it got that bad, for him to then call round the next day and start on them for us being there.
Over the years things only got worse, i was shouted at and called stupid because i could not tie laces, even when i was 16 saying at his age he should f.... be able to.
Yeah hardly going to have the confidence to be able to when i am always put down.
which only the last year i have found out that its not my fault i can not tie which ill explain later.
Around the start of primary school, i had massive toilet problems which i was made fun of, calls names etc, and was heavily bullied for, which the bullying only got worse, because word got out about my dads shouting etc.
I was put on so many different tablets and horrible tasting stuff i had to take.
I had took this for over 10 years, and was in so much pain, to only find out that it was stress that was causing it, and I managed to partly move away from it, when i was 18 and since then i no longer have those problems (:
With everything that was going off in my life, i became very depressed, often crying, and running away from home about 5 times ):
My schools never bothered to get any help for me, and my mum even though she was suffering never did anything about it either.
This then led to getting inanity as well with all the bullying that i had in my life, i find it hard to talk to people, i would be scared all the time, and would get panic attacks.
I tried to get myself a girlfriend, but had many conflicting feelings of wanting to be with someone to get rid of the pain but at the same time pushing them away because of not wanting that person to hear and see what went on in my life.
I was born in Nottingham, and i took my Girlfriend one day to wollation hall, my mum had rang up in the day, and all you could hear was my dad shouting.
I fell to pieces crying, and even my Girlfriend could hear the convo.
I did not want to go home, my girlfriend did not know what to do, and after hours the police was called, as i had no where else to go, but i did not want to go home.
They let me know they could not force me to go home due to being 18 and having my own life choices now.
I had no choice and had to go back.
Problem was that everytime the police had to visit my dad, it only made him worse as soon as they went he would shout saying how dare you bring the pigs into it again.
Months later i snapped and had enough, one day when things were going off again i dragged my mum outside and said im sorry ive had enough this has to end, called the police and got my dad out of the house for a few days.
We got some things that we could carry, and went to a homeless shelter.
after a year of moving to 3 different temporary accommodation, we finally got a permanent place.
The first few months was great and i finally could focus in life,
I had been talking to a girl for a few months online and from there we became Together.
Weather something in my mum changed, or she did not like my choice of a girlfriend, but she started to be very demanding, shouting, and it was like having my dad back.
My depression came back, and again i found it hard to talk to people other then my girlfriend.
at the time i had just finished college and was on job seekers looking for a job, i was paying 20 pound board and was told if i wanted to buy treats that i had to with my own money,
I had a phone contract on the go, plus i had paid for broadband, which we both used.
I left her note one weekend as she was at work, and i was heading off to spend the weekend with my ex.
and that i could not afford some of the board this week, due to wanting to spend money doing things with my girlfriend, who i was trying to build a life with.
Its not like i said i was not paying it, so instead of understanding, she sent me a nasty text saying how dare you do, i want you out.
After hours of arguing, i had to travel back to nottingham, to collect my things, to then travel back to Grantham, to spend the week at my exs parents house.
Which then after going to the council to explain my situation i was told i could not be put on any form of list that i had to of at least lived in Grantham for 3 months.
So back to Nottingham again to beg to put in a homeless shelter.
After a few weeks i managed to find a shared house.
As you can imagine they not only took a tole on me but being with my girlfriend as well, i want not myself, i could not think right yet only, think about spending time with her.
she would come over at the weekend, but most of the time, to only hear shouting and fighting that a couple was doing in the shared house.
I had moved away from that experience to be back where i started.
We almost split up but we powered through it, and a year later, i found myself a shared house in Grantham.
Things started to get much better, i was eating a lot better, as i was thin as a rake due to not having much money having to spend it, seeing my ex, and although i could see my ex at the weekends, it was the first time i had to depend on myself, which i was struggling with.
Back then because i was 25 job seekers was only 55 pounds a week.
after 6 months of being in Grantham, the person who owned the house was selling to move to another location.
we was put in the situation of me finding another shared house, or moving into with each other.
we managed to get a place, and it was like trouble just had to follow us.
This time, loud music out 2am, banging and much more from the places below us as we was renting a place with 2 other rooms in the house.
On top of all that, i was struggling getting used to having so much time with each other.
Since all my life was stuck in a room, gaming to distract me from my parents i got used to that alone feeling.
the first few months were hard on each both, but at time went by we got used to being with each other and i learned to open up to her.
I got myself a job, but was still no good, at talking to people, i also was struggling at every job i had.
we moved into somewhere better, and again things were looking up.
the last 2 years of us being together was not great, her parents decided it was a good idea that everytime i did something wrong or lost a job, to have a right go at me.
Which i understood there reasons for it due to wanting their daughter to have financial backing, to afford things in life and to keep the place we was living in.
But it was like they was trying to be my parents and i hated that, and even to start with i had to have a go at my girlfriend, for having a go at me as well about it, instead of talking to me why i lost the job.
Eventually she started listening and backing me up as well.
Even though i was happy with her, most days something just did not feel right.
most days i needed to feel secure, and would often get bored and lonely, and not feel right when she was off to work, and i had the place to myself for 6 hours.
It was like even if we was not doing anything together, eg watching tv etc. just her being in the house make me feel more at ease.
I never saw help for this and my girlfriend never really noticed it enough to tell me to get help.
I think, the reason i craved to feel at ease was from everything that had happen to me in the past.
then the day came i did the most stupid thing ever.
I was sick of us arguing over such stupid things but also not wanting the neighbours to hear and for us to get kicked out.
the last 2 years we was together we just aruged a lot, of many different things, and i could feel inside not wanting to become my dad but i could not control, aruging back some things were might fault and some hers thats what arugements are like.
there were weekends where she would see her family who only lived 25mins walk, and already saw them a lot, and i wanted to spend time with her or we had planned something for her, which instead became us going over to theres.
do not get me wrong most of the times i liked going over to her paretns but it was the point that we had planned stuff and it was like that did not matter.
I cant remember what it was about, all i can remember is one day while she was at work, she was talking to someone about something, on facebook, on the computer, which we often shared the computer and left our facebooks open, as we trusted each other. and not remembering what is was about, so much has gone off in my life its hard to remember everything.
I had enough of the lies, she texted me saying she left her keys at home so could i let her in when she texted coming back.
I took my keys and went out. i was upset and not thinking, said some mean things by text and asked to meet in a public place to talk. which clearly saying mean things before meeting up is not a good idea.
She decided weather she had enough of me, but instead of ringing me or meeting me to ring her parents.
I managed to get through to her a hour later, and she said i am with my paretns and i want you to come back to give me my keys.
I also said i would only if her paretns was not going to be around knowing how much they like to show their authoirty.
After a hour of aruging of her saying they would be involved, she got the police involved, and they wanted me out after pulling that stupid move.
Which to some understanding i knew that was the right choice.
things was not exactly going right with us anyway, so maybe this was the right thing to do.
Although i had no where to go, no money, no friends, and my family wanted nothing to do with me, and i did not really want nothing to do with them.
My ex still had feelings for me and so did i, i hardly ate, my depression came back even worser then when i had to deal with crap from my dad.
my brain was a mess and i was not thinking at all, all it could think about was being back with her.
we tired to make things work, but not ended up aruging again, and me saying email after email, being a wreck saying sorry, and a hell of a lot more.
Her paretns was not happy and again got the police involved, i was given my first caution.
I had manged to get into supported housing, and well as i explained before in a time where i needed the help, to snap out of my stupid brain i could not get the help till it was to late.
In those following months, even though i could end up in jail, and was told off by so many people to stop, i could not stop wanting to contact her and so sorry.
I just wanted to take back what i had done, and to explain myself to her face.
I let my life slide away, not wanting to do anything because nothing mattered.
I learned however that all the times i lost my job, and all the times i was shouted at for no reason, because i could not do something was because, i lacked hand coordination.
I also suffered from not being dumb, knowing how to do something like tie laces, but my hands getting all confused and not being able to do it.
This time it was the first time of being alone, where i had this similar issue in nottingham, at least i had my ex to talk to and be around.
This time i had no one and was going getting worse by getting a second caution.
My support worker, got to know me and what i liked doing, which was making videos, and said why dont you see if you could make a business out of it.
I went to lincoln on a course to learn about starting up your own business.
I poured everything i could into it, just to distract my brain from thinking of her.
it seemed to start working, i was going on networking events and working on my business plan.
Now i do not care if my ex decides in rest of the write up to report me, tell her friends about me etc, and try to get her parents involved more, because, i have turned my life around which you will get to find out later on in this post.
I have also learned in life to be strong, be smart, my ex could aruge the fact that i have written this and its targeting her, expect i have not mentioned her name in any of my posts i do.
its a free world and i am allowed to explain how i feel about events that went off in my life.
and as you read more you will understand (:
The next moments really defined my life, to what it is now and was the turning point to get my life back on track.
I use social media a lot because as a growing business that is what you need to use to get your content out there.
all what i am about to say i have screen shot everything and the police know about it, and well as many people (:
I put a picture of me at a networking event on twitter, i got a email through saying my ex had liked the tweet,
now for someone who got the police invovled twice to make me stay away, seemed a bit odd.
Maybe it was a miss hit, the question in the first place was why was she even checking my twitter, because she had already moved on with another guy?
few days later another email, my ex liked something else i posted, miss click one let off miss click twice now something is up.
I fell into her stupid sick game, weather it was her plan, her bfs, or her parents who knows but i decided to send over 10 emails, asking what the hell is going off, and me being silly me wanting to be with her again.
she never replied to them, when a few days later, her mum who has twitter, liked something i put on twitter.
few days later i gets a knock on the door, and arrested for contacting her, her plan worked.
I got a court date a month later, and i just kept getting my head down trying to start my business up.
I got prank calls cause i had a landline number up on my website for people to contact me, Police tracked and noted it down, i did not want to take action, i did not want things starting again in my life, after trying to tear away from it.
The court date came and went, and although i explained about the contact on twitter, because my actions in the first place was way more then what she had done and because she did not reply to emails, it looked like she did nothing wrong.
I accpeted what i did, because even to this day i should not have kept doing what i was and got hit with a fine, and 12 months where i could not contact her, show up at her work etc.
Some people may and even my ex may think that i should of gone to jail, maybe i was willing to accept any charge.
I knew i was given a second chance at life, and that if i was stupid enough to go down the path of contacting her again this time it would be jail.
something had to change in my life, so i looked at my fitness, looked at my life and started down the path of leading my own life, for the first time.
I took part in a tennis scheme, tennis being something i loved playing, but my fitness level were very poor and also i never played tennis to learn how to, just something i use to hit the ball any how with my ex.
Now i do not know what my ex was thinking, weather she hated me that much, because she did not get the result she wanted from the court, but i think if someone is took to court for harrsement then, if that other person does something which is not right they should get in trouble to.
My ex thought it was a grand funny thing, to put up a tweet with a attchement to the local journal about which mentioned people that had been to the court in lincoln.
Saying that she was finally happy to get the closure she needed.
I did not see this but rather heard it from someone else, in my terms of court order it was not to also stork her on social media, which again i did not but when you can not live your life because of fear of just that being targeted then what else are you supposed to do.
Should i have reported it yes, but again i just could not put up with the hassle, and it being took to court.
Numerous times before court she had put on twitter that she just wish people would move on,
and yet for someone who has clearly moved on and with someone else, i honestly think deep down even if its hate for me, she still feels the need to somehow be a part of my life.
Moving on, I started to go out for walks something i really struggled with since being with her, due to my own body, even though we did some sport, after looking back at my life, i realised that i stopped doing sport and let my fitness go because i wanted to spend so much time with her and never really focus on what i wanted to do in life, that and gaming took over my life as well (:
I loved the adventures we went on but also struggled with long day outs and countryside walks.
around this time i got funding, to start up my own business, brought equipment, and started networking and working on tester videos.
I also tried to get out of the house, to not let my depression win and learn how to do photography.
as you can see i had no idea how to do it back then and my shots were awful.
I got my head down on my computer most days, learning how to do motion graphics, just learning.
The trouble was the more i started to learn the more i lost the enjoyment of making videos and even photography,
it made me feel worse and would send my depression out of control.
I would get frusated at myself because i had it planned in my head how i wanted a video to go, for x business but lack the confidence, and the time sitting all day trying to edit the video.
spending days watching Youtube Videos how to create something that was only a few seconds long but would make a huge difference in the quality of videos.
After having many meetings with advisers i decided to put the business on hold, to not only try and still get the help i need with my mental health but to learn even more.
I got myself to a gym, and started really pushing, as i was sick of how weak i was, connected with a fellow person who also went to the same gym and just all my emotions into it.
My photography was improving, and i loved networking with people, when someone i did not expect to happen to not only Grantham but Lincolnshire was closures of A & E Turning 24 hours, to a lot less hours and on the threat to this day of being closed.
This day was one of many turning points in my life.
I wanted to help out the only way i could think of which was to film it and take photos.
I got a overwhelming support from the community, and even though my photography was improving i still say for the time my photos was not that good.
I slowly started to open myself up more talking about my issues, which tied in really to what was going off, as it was more then just Hospital closures but cuts being made to the NHS services like the mental health etc.
I opened up to the people that i was helping with my work, and they understood and talk to me when i do feel down, and understand me way better then the mental health team and doctors.
Although around this time of trying to make friends, i had some people i started to get to know that i had to block because, they know of my ex, and i also knew from the way our convos went that, my ex has been saying stuff about what happended and also warning them off me.
my ex really did not want me to turn my life around at all.
so i toughen up and thought i would rather have no friends, then talk to people who do not understand me and i know dont care, or there just to mess me about.
2017 hit and its been a amazing year so far.
I went to cover more events, with photography and videos, i started networking with more people, and more and more i was surrounding myself with people who were there for me,
The more i opened up the more happyier i felt and the more, please understood about some of my issues.
I continuously got my head down and poured everything i had, my depression kept fighting back even harder, and days where i would fall about over nothing, and days where i knew why i was feeling the way i did and that trying to move on, but struggling to cope and thinking of the past.
as i have mentioned before i am a dabbler and i think because i never really opened myself up for trying new things in the past, this year was going to be different, i learned about social media marketing, i started writing blogs to go with photography and videos i was doing.
Posts like the NHS Marches, Businesses that i had networked with, and explaning why that business was good, taking photography and really wanting to help lincolnshire grow.
Life was finally making sense to me, I joined a running club because as well as wanting to get stronger, i wanted to work on my stamina, meeting new people and being a part of the community.
My photography is something that only keeps improving and is where it is helping the community the most and where i find myself the most confident and can network with people.
Ok i am not running a business like i wanted but i used my experience to do it as a hobby, while still having business elements to it, so one day when i am ready to take that adventure i have already bulit myself something amazing to go and continue with.
I was never the brightest of sparks, but because i was forced into being on my own, by my own actions, i learned to grow up, i learned to pay more attention to what goes off in the world.
and in my eyes which i will never change my mind on this, in some messed up way, i needed to go to court, and i need that puinshment so it finally drilled some god dam sense into me, and to force me out of my sprialling circle i was in.
I have done things i never would of dreamed off because i keep on fighting and pushing, to be better and better.
my confidence comes from wanting to be heard, and wanting to prove to my past, all my past that i am here to stay and that i can do great things !!!!
sometimes in order to discover who you are and what you are supposed to do in life you must first, go from having nearly everything in life to having nothing and having to build it back up.
That is what has happen, in my new life, i have true friends, not friends i hanged out with for the sake of it because i had no one else.
I have more drive, more fitness then i ever have done in life,
Ive been on the radio twice and planning right now with someone on a third one.
I have been in the journal not for something bad this time but for mutiple good things i have done.
I fight because i want to, because i need to if i want to prove to myself and my past that i have learned to adapt to my problems and embrace them,
I learned to be smarted, and record everything that may seem like a attack, like blog posts that have been tracked to Grantham, one of my posts about if i had a million pounds what would i do.
comments like i would pay 1 million people a pound to smash your teeth in, to comments from the same person replying to themselfs about buying a fish tank on ebay and someone commenting saying they have one in Grantham and they live on x street, which just made me laugh so much, so thanks for making my day there (:
I used to watch videos with my ex on Youtube about when people get famous how much hate they get.
well i am not famous and do not see myself ever be, but in a way i have turned my life around and well some people.... in Grantham, tracked location, do not want to see me do that or be happy.
I think its sad that there is always 2 sides to story, and yet, when someones from your past, judges you based on what they have heard from others rather then getting to know you, i think its so sad really.
My ex might write a blog post back about what i have said, let her, my ex may try and get people to scare me... guess what let her, and my ex, may try and take me to court, but this time, i have a strong backing because i am learning to turn my life around, i am not perfect and will never be, and i would be lying if i said i have completety turned my life around, because i do still struggle in life and i am no where near getting fixed down to the stupid help i can not get.
I am no longer afarid of what people think of me, and what may happen in my life now that i have posted this blog.
If i can not be open about my problems then i honestly do not see why i would even bother doing anything i do.
Being open is the best feeling in the world, not many people can do it, not because they do not want to but because of fear,... yes fear of us, us humans.
we are our own problems, we judge people we put titles on them and we look down on others, like people with mental health problems are monsters.
Like we have no feelings, i was talking to a few tennis players i get on well with the other week about mental health after having a big melt down.
one person was furious about the support i have not been able to have, having to wait 5 months just to get 3 months of help before having to wait the same amount of time again to get more help.
on a positive note mental health is being talked about more and more people are understanding but its still going to be someone, people choose to look down on, all the people can do who suffer is keep proving those who treat us wrong, that we are hear for a reason, that we all have different talents and just because someone may be feeling down does not mean they are useless.
I started to bulid my confidence i know what i am good at and what i am not so good at and just fount ways to cope and work around things.
I was going to write this blog at the end of this month because my 12 months of not contacting her, would be up,
it was going to be a look back blog, but i felt the need to write about it now.
should i have written it after knowing that i could somehow get in trouble still, maybe but again i fear nothing.
to me its also a test, and a way of being the most open i have ever been.
this month is going to be hard for me, because its going to test me so much, and have already had rough sleeping nights of thinking about things.
but lets see, if i get any nasty comments, prank phone calls or anything, that my ex or her friends want to do to see if they can break me (:
one of the things that just proves people wanted to test me was the fact that since i mentioned 4 blog posts back that all comments was being monitored and traced, that i have not had any bad comments since, or 100 comments within a hour of clearly the same person being stupid,
I did some very stupid things in my life, and i was not a good person, am i good person know, yes maybe i dont know, i just keep trying to be me and do what i love.
So what if i may scare some people, and people know about my past and choice to not speak to me, if those people are so low minded then i do not need them in my life (:
maybe i have not been able to find someone else to be with because of my past who knows ??
i just focus on what i wanted to do in life, and things like a girlfriend come second (:
whose to say that i wont ever do anything stupid in my life again ?
all i can do is keep pushing to improve, to hit targets and enjoy the live i have got now !!!
this blog post i have written for 4 hours straight, and it has tired me, more mentally having to bring stuff up, but i will feel more happier with doing so (:
all i want to do in life now, it forget about the past, and keep driving forward, i know i can never be with my ex and that everything happends for a reason i have believed that even since the court case, its why i have the great life i have now, i will have my ups and down, but what breaks us only makes us stronger.
she has bulit a life with her new partner doing the things she wants to do in life, and i have done the same with my life, i am happy for her and will always be just as i am happy with the progress i am making (:
Thank you for reading i let you decide, on what you think of me, just know that given a amount of time, people can start to change, and people have new paths to take, which may or may not lead them into a better life, you just got to embrace it, and see where life takes you.
PS, if sorry for my spelling and grammer i feel it only get worse lol also, sometimes even if you read it all through 2-3 times to make sure it makes sense you end up missing bits of sentences, so if i have started explaining things and not carried on please let me know (:
