Before i even start on the topic of the blog post i need to clarify a few things.
Whenever i write this posts they are from the heart, i write because i like to express myself, its that simple.
call me silly but i like just sticking my headphones on, listing to music, and letting my thoughts take over, its a way to get out how i really feel.
The stuff that eats inside me, the things i am scared to talk about in person but find easier expressing in the form of writing.
I started Blogging for a way to get my thoughts across, help my local community and i place i can just be myself.
That means you get to know the bad, the good, the complaining side of me lol.
I once was told by many people that when i was starting up my business i needed to be a business person.
That meant no vlogs where i took about myself, like the past, if i had anything worrying me.
I was told not to write any blogs that would also do the same to my business image.
I started to take that advice, but after a while of not enjoying what i was doing, getting more stresssed and making my depression worse i decided for a long while that i do not want to run a business.
Even if i decided to many years down the line, i want to be able to still be myself.
Still able to express myself like i do in these blogs, because i tried to live 2 different lives, the business me and well me. all it did was made me feel worse inside.
I couldnt care less what a lot of people think of me.
why are you writing this blog then??
like i said its a way of expressing myself, letting people know how i feel about things.
if it reaches just one person who understands then its all worth it.
When i decided to start helping my community, i decide i had enough of putting my barriers up.
A lot of people are scared to advertise their true selfs.
Weather thats due to judgement, being calls names, or the fact that when you walk in town people will laugh at you, will tell their friends about you and laugh, tell you to stay away from you and even give you funny looks.
I say let them, if you can not be yourself, dress how you want to, eat how you want to, enjoy what you enjoy, without being told its silly, its to childish etc, then you are not living life how you want, letting others choose for you, and i would rather people hate me, then ever lie who i was.
I have gotten this far in life, discovering myself, trying new things, slowly coming out of my comfort zone because, i try not to ingore what people think of me.
I just get my head in the zone weather thats playing tennis, running, photography and i enjoy what i do, and if it can help others then i will keep doing it, but also because it makes me happy.
So what i am about to say, is not to get the aww, not to be attention seeking, even though i know a lot of you will be saying at the end of this oh yeah you was just seeking it.
what i am about to say, is something only a few people understand and lots just to laugh because they do not have to go through it.
what i am about to say could mean i lose all the respect from my local community i have bulit but again i would rather be the laughing stock of the town then, the thought to keep haunting me, and not being able to get it out.
From the title of this blog is the main reason i am writing it, because even though i have opened up, and talked to people more, i find it hard to talk about certain things to peoples faces.
This is why blogging in a way was created to help people, who want to talk to others without the need of seeing that person.
So after all that long intro, i will explain my thoughts.
I wrote a blog post recently about my perfect life, and in that i explained a little about talking to people.
I have not had the best of childhoods, parents who hurt each other, which cause the start of my depression from a very young age.
which cause me to have body problems which i wont go into, lets just say i got laughed at and picked on so much because of it.
in the last 5 years i have not had any body problems because i finally fount out, that after all the horrible meds i had to take, it was only stress that was causing it.
Going back to the stages of growing up, i never made friends because i was picked on, which then caused me to have bad aniexty.
I was never listened to much, or understood and i could not help with problems either.
I still suffer with problems today due to my past.
I have talked about my past and let it go, which no longer bothers me.
However because the pain of what i had to go through from a kid, till i was about 20, is so deep rooted.
its now caused me to have the problems still, i have learned to better cope but i still do struggle.
Which leads me into talking to people.
Although i get scared, and feel worried, when i am in business frame of mind, so taking photography, networking with people, all my problems go away and i feel, i wouldnt say very confident but i feel confident enough, to say i, asked 2 times in 2 different situations to deliver a pitch about my business.
I asked if i could make a speech, about being part of the feeling good project at tennis.
So why does my brain think its ok to suddenly shut off, when i am just doing day to day things.
Why do i get awakened making a conversation, at the gym, when i am around a friends house, having a drink with a friend etc.
I only made friends at the gym, by asking online, i only made friends in my area but helping the local community, being the business side of me.
Yet if i didnt even go down the route of wanting to own a business, i would not be where i am today.
I would not have friends, and i would not know how to make friends.
A lot of people say, oh if your in a pub, watching a match, comment about the team and getting talking with someone whos also watching, thats not me i would just sit there and watch the game.
People say that talking to someone whos doing the same thing etc is a great way to try and make friends.
Sadly i have known for a very long time that the only time i feel confident to talk about things is online.
I can be who i want without fear of judgement, i can speak my mind without being shy, being that person who sits in the corner keeping himself to himself,
which is what i do in real life.
i feel confident online because there is no face to face interaction.
Which leads me onto a topic that men and women will have many different views about,
Again i like to say that i am not trying to sell myself, trying to play the pity card etc.
From the moment from being a teenager when you start thinking about the female gender to getting my first girlfriend, to even to this day, I am hopeless with women.
well i would say to start with, I have always been shy but around women, i feel silly, let me explain what i mean by that.
so i am sat watching a match in a pub, or sitting with a group of people for whatever reason it is for example, which by the way all these example is what happending to me as well.
There are women around me, suddenly i start to feel tight chested, i start to feel shy, i start to feel like i should move or leave.
i start to think they are looking at me with funny looks even though 9 out of 10 they probs are not.
If a women sits next to me, the intensive level of it all goes up by not just one level but many.
if i am walking in a pub and a women wants to get past, my body goes funny, even though i move out of the way at the same time it feel like i can not move.
By now this is where a lot of men would say to man the hell up, and women are probs laughing, and to be honest like i said i mentioned before i dont really care, i am me and i will not change (:
The feeling is at the peak when i am at the gym, this is where the funny looks will start if anyone in the gym ends up reading this lol.
Here is a example of a gym session i had today.
I was with my friend, working out, he said, the next thing we are going to do is some sit ups.
2 women was behind us, working out, again women and men have different views on this.
with me helping out the community the last thing i wanna do is lose respect but here goes.
Its hard to focus on what your doing, you dont know why to look, i often find myself looking like a idiot, looking at the floor or turning my back or even looking at nothing just so i am not looking at women.
my stupid head also worrys that i, am the one being looked at weather thats in a good way or bad.
Going to be blunt here, when you got a gym for both genders in a way you do need to show respect,
some men look at womens, body parts and other dont.
I just look at the roof or the floor when i am working out.
That said its a little hard to when your stuggling to do a stretch etc, and told to look in the mirror to see how to position yourself and in the mirror you end up seeing the women moving about.
I also get worried that if i can not do something and end up looking silly that they are laughing at me when in reatitly, a lot of people at the gym, do not care and are just wanting to work out.
I know that and have even just said it, but will my brain learn and do that nope.
In a world where, some women like men looking, where some women, get worried, scared etc about it, in a world where some men dont care if they look and may say to the others who dont , stop being a whimp, its so hard to be yourself around others.
weather its playing sports, running, gym, or even walking in town, i try my best to keep myself to myself.
i avoid people, i look stupid, and i have never been able to change that about myself.
I have talked to guys about how do you start talking to a women, they say just go over and say hello.
ask how they are doing, or take notice in what they are doing and talk about it.
nope thats not me, i am the one who chooses to avoid it and just get on with the day.
its annoying and very frustrating for myself because i dont want to seem like a creep, i dont want to keep hiding, i hate the fact that i am that way around women.
I just want to be able to be confident, not over confident, just enough to start a convo.
it even takes me a while after getting to know someone to feel i can be myself.
Even going on a pub crawl, with my friend which i did not like the sound off, but wanted to do it,
it was not until i was drunk, and not really knowing what i was doing did i let my hair down and just starting dancing.
I dance all the time at home, when no one can see, i love music so much, but if i am not drunk, that part of me does not even come out in the real world.
Even going to gigs in my local town i have just wanted to dance with the music, but i was scared what people may think.
So overall, i know its all my own fault, i live a sheltered life, because i can not learn to just be myself.
I want to be able to talk to women, even for just being friends,
at the moment even though i would love to find someone to be with, i know i can never do that until i learn to talk to the female gender in the real world.
That said i dont let it take over my life, i am happy, with what i am doing, living each day as it comes, slowly trying new things, but just enjoying the things i have always wanted to do, and putting my heart and soul into them.
so yeah now that i have written this i may have ruined my social image, people may think of me different but, let them, i am find in my own bubble, i am a nerd and proud to be one.
I pity the people that spend hours, trying to be someone they are not, to have a image, to have a social image, sure they may have the perfect life, and have loads of friends but i bet its exuasting to keep it up.
For me, if i try for myself and no one else, then people will understand me better, i wont have to try to be all that, simple is all that i want (:
I leave you with some advice, the next time you pick on someone, or laugh at them, think was i ever in that position, is your fame, and so called friends, worth the image your trying to be.
do you really think looking down on someone will really fill the void of a simple boring mintute in your life, where you could of been doing something worth while?
i only say this because, there is so much judgement, hate and others bad things in this world that if people just learned to accept us other for who they are, then well, things would be nicer.
i know we dont live in a world like that but every little helps i suppose (:
Thanks you reading
