Ramblings of a mad man #2 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

That is right its time to get more of my chest about my life !!!

Like i said on the last one, to me even if this reaches just one person who understands and can help or even what i somehow say in this helps someone then its all good, i just like being able to be open, maybe i am to open that people do not want to hear or care but oh well that is life (:

So since i wrote the last ramblings a lot has changed in my life and some things are the same.
Lets start off with the positive things shall we (:

One of the things i have been working so hard on is getting faster, getting more stamina and stronger, in fact it will be a year in just over a week since i joined a gym, and i shall be writing a blog post about that fairly soon so keep a eye on it !!!

doing so much physical actives has really open many doors in my life, and since the break up with my ex at the start of 2016, i feel that i have become a much better person.

I often find myself sometimes a lost of a way to explain things which means i may often say examples of something i have watched in order to get a point across.
I used to be told i was being stupid but hey if that is how i best explain things then i will keep doing it silly or not (:

In the last week i have been super hooked on the flash, the modern take of it.
in fact the last few days i finished all of season 2... whoops (:

In that it kind of gave me even more new found strength and hidden messages that again hit my brain and made me think about my own life.

No matter how much i wish i could change the events that happened  in my life, that often makes me think of the past makes me upset, it is that what makes me want to get faster and stronger.
Yes i miss the love of my life, if it was not for the case of being together for nearly 5 years then i would of got over it quicker but i choose to throw my life away and i live with that everyday knowing so.
That said, everything happens for a reason, its made me open my eyes in the world around us, its made me understand about myself, my issues my problems, where i need to improve and to build my life from having nothing to have things that i can call my own, my own actions.

I may have been in love, but that seemed to be all my life was all about, i had no friends, i was not apart of a community, and i was not physically fit, i let my life slip away because love was everything to me.

So yeah to maybe a lot of people i am just a weirdo, a creep etc, sitting around in places using internet, looking awarked, i may seem like a mad man from the way i act or the things i post about, but that is me and i would not change myself for anyone.

It has been such a bizarre path in life that seems to be getting more crazier in good ways and bad.

From going down the route of wanting to start a business up which i never had plans for in my life, to it not going the way i wanted it to.
To feeling so depressed in 2016 i would just go for walks taking photography and learning.
then that one moment in life i decide to put my skills to the test and help a local cause around town, kick started my life in so many directions.

So that is what i have been doing with more and more paths opening in my life.
I got the chance to network with a local music artist, on a wonderful day out, I have always dreamed meeting famous people, and never knew we had that in Grantham, its like i do what i do because i love being creative while helping out, i do not do anything special like a lot of photographers, video makers in the area and yet people have believed in me and given me chances in life i could only dream off.

Over the past 3 weeks i have had no major mental health problems.
there have been some events that have gone off like having a camera knocked out of my hand, which put me in a very depressed and anixous mood, i even had to get my friend to give me a lift to a shop to get some shopping that i was going to do later in the day anyway because, i was to shook up to leave the house.
I just put it past me as i knew i would be helping a local artist in the next day (:

I do not know why i have felt happy, i guess because of the good times that has been there.
Like working out with my friends at the gym has made me more happy, playing more tennis again has left me feeling good.
yet i do all those week by week anyway, i guess i cant complain lol.

Even the other night i had a very different experience at a local social meet i go to.
I dont know why but whenever there is a group of people even if its around 8 people, i never seem to be part of it, i say hi and a few other things but that is about it.
Whenever i am there though i seem to find that 1 person i can connect with, and spend most of the time talking to them and no one else.

Again i guess this is never a bad thing, some people are naturals at group talking and others find one person who they get on with.

It was a good night because like i have explained in so many post is we talked about mental health and counseling.
That this person i believe works with children with mental health problems but has also done work with adults as well.

I just talked like i had known that person for months, fully open, not just talking about mental health but my life, it was great that someone could understand what i was going through and could relate.

Saying that aniexty is something that can not really be seen, we all often wear a layer under us, we try to be confident because we do not want others putting us down, or sometimes not wanting to put what we are going through on others, not wanting to get help because of being scared to.

The outcome of the talk meant she has refereed me onto someone she knows who does consulting, working with people on many different issues in their life.
Since i am still waiting to be seen by the mental health services after waiting over 6 months since my last visit .

I am hoping that this will then open doors as i explained to the women who has refeered me that as well as my issues, i have exhausted all opitions in terms of getting help, with my dysprixa and dyslexic.

Which leads me onto what bad thoughts i am thinking off for my future.
I explained to the women about my housing suitation as well that i am still in a circle of temp housing, and i am worried that i will not have money to even go back into shared housing due to now making a life for myself.
in 2016 i had no gym membership, no tennis membership, no princess trust loan i am still paying back now, and of course no proper worries about internet.

so of course i could afford paying that more rent because i had no proper outgoings with being in the house 6 out of 7 days

I slowly started to bulid a life for myself but like with anything in life which i tried to not go by this for so long but then realised i was lieing to myself, which is money is key to do what you want in life.

Money is a huge factor in my life, because of what my hobbies are.
Anyone will know that if your hobby is anything media wise there is a price tag for it.

On top of that with my depression and aniexty my life sadly is my computer, my camera etc.
without them i would be lost, my life would mean nothing.

so when people say put money aside to secure a permanent place i can never do.
I have 30 pounds a month left after all bills have gone out.
When i say i have 64gb of internet to use and use it all people may go how????

Well for one i have no TV, and with no being social which again is never free even though people say talking is yet, but going for a meal out, even a drink is still a cost that people do not factor for.

For me when i am not out and about, doing physically sport, i want to relax and watch tv, so i pay for Netflix which means that uses data to stream the show.
on top of that people do not understand how much data uploading photography on a regular basis takes up.
prime example each photo i upload is around 30mb and on a typical month i upload over 200.
that is without factoring in having to upload on multiple social platforms of the same images.
so why do you not use public wifi ????
Cost is why !!!!

Nothing is ever free, we have a library  with free wifi which is cool yes but not when you want to upload things, with a photo taking 10 mins to upload just one photo??? i am not joking.

which then the rest of the options cost, going to a pub to get a drink, wrong answer, most pubs connect to the cloud which is just as slow as library, if you find a pub that does not use the cloud, again it is normally slow, fast for browsing not for uploading, this is of course not counting for downloading shows on netfliex to watch at home when my data is running low.

One place i use to sit which was free wifi and really fast, has now slowed down to a snail or you can pay like on a train for faster speeds.

Why do you have a limited data device ???
Because i am in temp housing i am not allowed to install internet, so the only other way is to by a portable internet device and use it as a tether to my computer.

So you can imagine on a day out doing photography and video, and the video takes over 2 hours to upload, on a really good speed, how much it can cost with buying 2-3 drinks a week just to use internet.

which of course causes me worrys about securing a home, because either way i lose.
i do all i do because it fights the depression, even what i do the depression comes and goes but doing what i love just makes it that little easier.
what is the point having a roof under my head, if i have to stop going to the gym, stop helping my local community, with media because then that will just make me back to how i was, and i would not leave the house again.

it also worrys me that i got the money from the princes trust to have what i have now, nothing lasts forever, and once my computer or camera stops working i could not do what i love doing anyway, with no way out all to fund to replace them.

That is why i try so hard to push myself to keep learning, improving so that even if its for a few years i can have great memories, instead of just living in a rut going round in circles.

I have been told by so many people not to worry about going forward in life but to focus on the here and now which i try to do a lot, i dont plan a lot of things, i just let each day comes and see how it goes. however when you can not get the help you need after battling for it for nearly 2 years it does worry you.

what also worrys me is not having the fight to come out of my comfort zone, i am trying so hard to try new things but again i find myself either leaving or just not bothering to go.

There has been open mic nights that even if i do not go to take part, it would be nice to see what talent there is but i just cant force myself to meet new people because its out of my comfort zone.
with being brought up on technology that is my down fall to life, to me after playing sport etc i would rather spend 3-4 hours watching shows, then going out and having a social life, sad i know.

Only now and then do i manage to force myself to go to things but there still is so much i am missing out on because of my own issues.

It worrys me that holding a camera or talking about what i love can make me the most confident person ever, but take that away, and i go into a bubble, i become shy, anixous, i back away from things. i have become stronger physically but i feel in some parts i have become a lot weaker mentally.

Yes i am now able to do more things and i am more stable mentally on more days but again in my own mind due to my actions i also feel, i am losing the ability to be myself around others.

When i was with my ex, i never really worried about people around me because my attention was on her, her family, what we was doing at the time etc.
Now that i have had to bulid my life up for the first time being on my own from a point of having no friends and family i did not want to talk, i have had to learn the skills needed to cope.

It amazes me how much strength i really have inside me till needing to be unlocked, i have already shown how much i can pour myself into playing tennis, into running, the gym, i have shown that depsite being super active, while i was at school and college, how much more active and stronger i am now then i was back then.

I just wish so to speak i did not need a push or someone to hold my hand in order to take steps out of my comfort zone, i which that events that are free, like the open mic, and other things around Grantham, i could just stroll in and enjoy the night , but i do not see that ever being me, i am a nerd, i love tv shows, i love being creative, i love what i do to much to tear myself away.

I guess in a lot of ways, i look for praise because i never really had it growing up. not that i have shut my family out for very good reasons, i have my friends to believe in me, which again until this year i never had.

I always push myself sometimes a little to hard because i want to prove to all the people that picked on me in my life, who looked down on me, who think i am stupid that i am not, i may to things differently, a lot slower, but it works.
A prime example is tennis, i must have one of the most strangiest playing styles ever, which i keep trying to improve on, because it works for me, as soon as i try to things the normal ish way i cant play.

Again i think this is down to the way things do not communite from my brain to my body, that over time i just got used to, trained it and adapted my own way of doing things.
Weather its tennis, pool, gym, golf, or bowling i have never done things the way they should but i guess that makes me the person i am and should embrace it (:

Overall i look at my new life, and ok i have achieved a lot from a bad break up, from a point that it took me 7 months to snap myself out of not wanting to live to the person i am now.

All i see is not trying hard enough, its frustrating when you create a project in this case a video for an event, you have so many cool creative ideas, and then you get to the editing software and you spend more time researching how to do and getting angry because, A, your having a lot of problems doing it and B, you know you need to get it edited Asap because the longer it takes for people to see, the less interest it will get.
if you been to a event the last thing you want is for the video of the day to be put up 2 weeks even more later, so as much as you would like to spend lots of time with different cools ideas, sometimes the basic has to do.

I see that although i cover events, it only seems to be once in a while not because there is nothing to cover, but because i am not creating a networking basis outside of social media.

i see that on days where i am depressed, nothing i do gets me out of it, which means i go to my covers and just binge watch show, instead of doing something to help my community out, or better yet be social !!!!

In all honestly i wish so many things in my life were either fixed or helped, i wish i could go to a place to use internet fast without having to pay for it, yes i know that does not exisit lol
i wish that just for once i could catch a break, weather that is getting help with my learning difficulties or with my mental health, but most of all having the courage to start up conversations with people instead of always waiting for someone to say hi to me.
People can say to you, you just got to force yourself to do these things, but i have tried so many times, and i can honestly say that is not me and never will be, i do not have that drive, that confidence to, and i have tried to accept who i am and accept that although i wanting things in my life, i have to just wait for them or be happy with what i have.


So when people say talking about your problems is bad, or people may think you as a strange person and not want to talk to you, ??? they are right, but what you have to do is push the people away who do not believe in you, who choose to talk behind your back, who does not understand what you go through, and who would rather laugh at you for who you are because they think they are better then you !!!!!!!
find the people that matter to you, and keep finding more and more people and eventually you will bulid a network of people that can help you when you feel down to pick you back up again !!!

Thank you for reading yet another blog about my ramblings, i call it of a mad man, because i think thats what a lot of people think of me, or of those who suffer, and just want to express how they feel (:

The next blog post i promise will be a happy one and about my progress at the gym (:


 























 

 

How my Mental Health has stopped me from doing what i want in life | DanielMarshallAdventures

A week a go i wrote a blog post about the toughest physically week ahead, My plans were to write a blog post about how my photography has improved over the last year, but also another post about how i coped with the week.

Instead of writing how good the week has been instead there are things in my life i need to reflect on and it was not until this challenging week that is has really opened my eyes.

As i blog a lot i will try not to repeat much of what i have talked about considering my mental well being.
At the same time trying to get across what goes on in my life for those people who have not read any other of my posts before.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but it was not until the start of 2016 i decided to get help.
When i needed the help at my worst stage i could not even talk about it or even start to feel about for at least 5 months.
I had 12 weeks of counseling, in those sessions i would be digging up my deep past about my parents.
Who i choose to no longer to speak to and its been nearly a year since i have spoken to them.
They are part of the reason why i am the way i am, and why i suffer badly with depression.
A lot of people when you say i never want to see or hear from my parents again, look down on you, like you might not want to be a part of there lives now but you might want to be later in life.
Which well may be true but the way i feel at the moment not caring what they think about me, i am much better off without them, not feeling like a failure not having to look up to them, they never really tried to understand me, and this last year has been a great discovery about myself.
Learning that i do have some problems but also i am great at certain things to.
In the 12 weeks sessions i talked about how i struggle to cook, how i am not dumb i know what to do but my body sometimes does things differently, I talked about the break up with my ex.
I was told different coping methods, and to take each day as it comes.

over the 12 weeks, I started to feel better in myself, but i was still having days of not doing anything, not being able to hardly move, crying thinking of the past, then crying over nothing.
most days i felt so tired so weak, that all i wanted to do was sleep.
After having the sessions i was told that i could not get anymore help for 3 months, which i had to re apply to get the help.

In that time, I tired to snap myself out of my looping life, by going for walks trying to improve my stamina, and learn about photography.
Around this time i had moved into a wonderful shared house, which to me felt perfect and luxury.
The landlords were amazing, and often talked to them about things.
However about a month of feeling settled, my silly brain reverted back to getting into states, I was struggling to sleep, the bed which was like a cloud, felt horrible, and my room everyday felt smaller and smaller.
The reality was i was started to not feel right were i was even though at the same time it was everything that i needed? odd how you can have conflicting emotions like that.

One day i just said to myself right enough of this i need to change something in my life,
so i started playing tennis, started going to the gym, I slowly was also helping my local community.
Around the year of 2016 things were looking a bit better, but i know i still needed help, I put in a self referral form In November and was told in December that at the start of 2017 i could have some more sessions.

I had 5 sessions yes only 5 of Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Which worked on coping methods a bit more, seeing if certain things was the cause of the problems.
For me most of the time there is no trigger why i feel the way i do.
Although the physically activities have made me feel somewhat better, and others it has not, and i still have a lot of days where i fall apart over nothing.

The second to last session, I had enough of not getting the support i needed i poured my heart out telling the chap from the mental health team how i feel.
He told me i can look into weather we can put you into higher care, to see what else we can do for you.
The week after which was my last session i get told i had a word with team and we dont think your at that level where you need the care.

I didnt say this to him but really felt like saying it, which is so god for bid if i have some good days that i sometimes score low on your sheets, and that just because i do not score over 20 on your out of date, scoring that i do not need the help.
The Fact is The mental health services in lincolnshire, have been getting worse and worse every year.
Because i have been helping out with the local community but also learning what is going off the world, i know what is also happening to our NHS.
Which mental health is a part of the funding the NHS get to help people who suffer with issues.
I went to a lincoln last year to watch a county council meeting, and one of the points was talking about the closures and downgrades to mental health services.

The Fact is i do no want to live this way in my life, and when you cant get the help what can you do other then keep trying to fight through it which at times seems impossible.

Most doctors In Lincolnshire do not even understand mental health and there solution to it is to tell you to get over it, that we all have bad days..... oh and here are some anti depressants.

After a year being told back and forth from the doctors and the mental health team that i do not need them, i then get given them, which i stopped taking after 2 weeks.
Main reason was i was finally getting the physical strength i needed to be stronger, and as soon as i started taking them i felt so weak.
I could not lift weights at the gym from when i first started, i was getting massive headaches, i could barely walk, and all the time i felt tired even after getting a good amount of sleep.
So i stopped taking them, Now yes i still feel very low on days but i felt stronger, and better able to cope with not being on them.

Oh i also forgot to mention that the doctor who gave me tablets was a different doctors, as this year after being with the same doctors since moving to Grantham and them not helping me, i decided to change.
Which did not help as i saw 2 different doctors who told me like i mention to get over it (: yeah such really educated staff... not!!!

Anyway fast forwarding , I knew i was not going to get any help any time soon, i just kept fighting the depression back, trying new things out, to get myself out of the house, and joined up with a running club, so i was now doing running 2 times a week, tennis 3, and gym, 3-4 times a week.

At the start of this week, I was having very vivid and long dream, that when waking up i was remembering most of what i was thinking about.

which happens hardly ever, but on top of that i do not know why my brain just kept thinking of the things that i had dreamt about throughout the day, it felt like my life was on auto pilot and that was not really doing anything during the day.
It was also extremely hot and had been all week, which anything over 20c and i really struggle, i get headaches i can not focus on what i am doing, and i find most of my days in bed letting time fly by.

Monday night was a lot cooler, as i completed a 7k run, which i really struggled with and fighted to keep going i got back home my feet killing, legs felt like rubber and i felt good that i went for the run but i also felt low, and felt miserable again for no reason.

I woke up Tuesday not feeling great but knew i had to snap out of it as I had a important rest of the week to go, so i booked a tennis court to practice ready for the match, and then find myself leaving after a hour as i could not cope with the heat.

Still not feeling well on Wednesday i had 2 hours of tennis, but also the final run to end the coach to 5k course i had been doing with the running club.
It was over 20c as we set off running, and 4 times i had failed to do 5k only managing 3k due to the heat and that day was no exception.
In fact it was one of the worse runs i had done, I loved the route we went on but i was struggling so much, that i really did not feel well when i got home, and i think i pulled something in my leg.
Hoping it would heal because going onto the day where is why i am writing this blog post, the biggest test of my life so far.
I had been asked to play in a team for tennis club, a month a go, and with 2 matches having to be cancelled i was really looking forward to it.
The weather also a little cooler as well so i did not have to worry about not feeling well.

I got there early to work on my serves, and just before we started we was told the match format.
So in tennis the score are, 15-30-40 game etc and depending on how well the other team play , the scores can be 15-15, 30,30-40-40 and then going to deuce and advantage etc.
After which 1 game would be won, so when your told your going to be playing 13 games, in 3 doubles matches making it 39 games, that really knocked my confidence before it has began.

I wanted to enjoy the matches but also play the best i have ever done, and well the people me and my team mate were playing was just out of this world.

People who had been playing for 20+ years with such powerful serves making it hard to get a return back.

After a hour, i was starting to feel ill, my feet heavy, my vision going strange and playing like i forgot how to play,

I started to get frustrated at myself and missing most of the serves, and the more i tried the worser my game got.

I also kept forgetting where to postition myself, as in doubles you have to much to think about.
If your team mate has a strong serve meaning its hard for the other team to return then you have to be close to the net, and then stand back to the line for the second serve if he misses.
then if your team mate is serving and your at the net, its deciding where to postion yourself on every shot, do you stay at the net in case they hit a soft shot you can counter, if they hit it close to the net but on the other side of the court you then have to chase for it.
Or even having to run backwards if they try to lob it over you.

I am not going to into all the details of tennis but trust me when i say that is only 1 set of things you have to think about when playing tennis.

I enjoy tennis the most, but i have never played at a competitive level, and that is only 1/5 of the skill level i would say, i think a lot of times people who watch tennis who have never played it.
Go oh its just hitting a ball, how boring, or that looks easy, when trust me you will not be saying its easy when you have a go playing in a tough competitive game.
Most sports are the same, they look easy but you do not realize how much physically strength is needed, the things you need to learn about, your brain makes so many decisions within just a second its amazing.

For me i am no where near the physically standard i need to be, and although i enjoy everything i do, its really took its tole.
Because i suffer most days with my stupid depression i have to push myself to try even harder and most days after coming back from running or tennis, i end up doing mostly nothing else all day.
Having to soak my feet in a bowl for a hour trying to get them to heal, while trying to stop my shoulder and legs from hurting.
which then makes me feel low because i hurt so much and the cycle never stops
Now people who do not know me, may go really all this because you do rubbish on your first big match, grow up, etc.
Its not just the fact of the match, i felt like this for weeks, in pain i know sport is never a easy things but if its really hurting so much that it also makes you feel rubbish about yourself then you start to think is it worth it.
I just starting to burst out crying, my head banging, i got hardly any sleep, and woke up feeling dizzy.
I got out Friday to have a game of pool with some friends for a hour but even that i was struggling and just wanted to go home to go to sleep.

Expect for the physically i also feel as a person that i am looping back to how i was when my depression first hit.
my aniexty being a bit factor that i cant go to a event without the stupid thoughts in my brain thinking people are laughing at me or looking at me funny even though i know they are not my brain at the time thinks otherwise.
I struggle to talk to people as in a normal conversation, and in the last few months that has only gotten worse.

If a photo is being taken, i tend to hide away, even though i am confident of taking selfies and taking photography. ... confused ???

I have missed so much in my life because of my own actions, i missed Park run today which was Our runnings club Graduation because i feel so rubbish but also just feeling so confused weather i should stop playing tennis and doing the running.

I miss out on going to events with friends because of either money or again knowing that i would want to leave or not feel right.

Even today there is a carnival going with lots of things going off that i want to capture photography.
But instead i am sat not feeling well, sat in my own stupid miserable thoughts.

I went out to get shopping this morning, and my legs just hurt so much, weather that is from pulling something from tennis or that could even be my depression making me feel worser then i am.

I do not want much in life, but the one thing i wish i could have would be getting help that i need.
what breaks us makes us stronger, i have said that a lot, but even at times i question that saying.
So i might bounce back stronger then i am feeling but again at what cost if everytime it bounces me back to how i feel right now, confused on what i wanna do in life.
I thought i had my depression at least a bit under control and that i was happy because i was changing my life, i was stronger happy, i made friends, i help my community, and i had at least something to do everyday, now i just feel like a wreck.
My friends say to maybe take one thing off your list your doing, but there lies the circle again, when i dont have a lot of things to do, my demons fight back, and on the other hand when i am doing so much, that i have no strength to fight they can win anyway .. AHH!!!!

I just wish that i could be a normal person, in society terms that i could just hang out with friends have a night out listing to music, and enjoying life, i want to explore and there is so much i wanna do, but just end up living the same circle off staying in a room on my computer, ahh life.

The only good thing i can say is that the last few months mental health has been talked about more and more, and i have started to surrounded myself with people who understand.
To me if i am friends with someone who tell me to get over it then, they are not my friend and they do not understand what i go through.
so my advice to everyone is, people who suffer are not classed as mental just because it has mental in the title, we all suffer from mental health, at some point in our lives, its not nice and at times we need to have that support that care from friends, etc to bounce back, so please if you have a friend who is struggling, reach out to them, talk to them and help, them, even if you cant help try and find someone who can (:

Thank you for reading

My social Links

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/

  https://twitter.com/DanMediaP
https://twitter.com/HLincolnshire

https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC

https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/

http://dmpuk.weebly.com/

Not being able to talk to people & Be around others | DanielMarshallAdventures

Before i even start on the topic of the blog post i need to clarify a few things.
Whenever i write this posts they are from the heart, i write because i like to express myself, its that simple.
call me silly but i like just sticking my headphones on, listing to music, and letting my thoughts take over, its a way to get out how i really feel.
The stuff that eats inside me, the things i am scared to talk about in person but find easier expressing in the form of writing.
I started Blogging for a way to get my thoughts across, help my local community and i place i can just be myself.
That means you get to know the bad, the good, the complaining  side of me lol.
I once was told by many people that when i was starting up my business i needed to be a business person.
That meant no vlogs where i took about myself, like the past, if i had anything worrying me.
I was told not to write any blogs that would also do the same to my business image.
I started to take that advice, but after a while of not enjoying what i was doing, getting more stresssed and making my depression worse i decided for a long while that i do not want to run a business.
Even if i decided to many years down the line, i want to be able to still be myself.
Still able to express myself like i do in these blogs, because i tried to live 2 different lives, the business me and well me. all it did was made me feel worse inside.
I couldnt care less what a lot of people think of me.
why are you writing this blog then??
like i said its a way of expressing myself, letting people know how i feel about things.
if it reaches just one person who understands then its all worth it.
When i decided to start helping my community, i decide i had enough of putting my barriers up.
A lot of people are scared to advertise their true selfs.
Weather thats due to judgement, being calls names, or the fact that when you walk in town people will laugh at you, will tell their friends about you and laugh, tell you to stay away from you and even give you funny looks.
I say let them, if you can not be yourself, dress how you want to, eat how you want to, enjoy what you enjoy, without being told its silly, its to childish etc, then you are not living life how you want, letting others choose for you, and i would rather people hate me, then ever lie who i was.
I have gotten this far in life, discovering myself, trying new things, slowly coming out of my comfort zone because, i try not to ingore what people think of me.
I just get my head in the zone weather thats playing tennis, running, photography and i enjoy what i do, and if it can help others then i will keep doing it, but also because it makes me happy.

So what i am about to say, is not to get the aww, not to be attention seeking, even though i know a lot of you will be saying at the end of this oh yeah you was just seeking it.
what i am about to say, is something only a few people understand and lots just to laugh because they do not have to go through it.
what i am about to say could mean i lose all the respect from my local community i have bulit but again i would rather be the laughing stock of the town then, the thought to keep haunting me, and not being able to get it out.
From the title of this blog is the main reason i am writing it, because even though i have opened up, and talked to people more, i find it hard to talk about certain things to peoples faces.
This is why blogging in a way was created to help people, who want to talk to others without the need of seeing that person.

So after all that long intro, i will explain my thoughts.

I wrote a blog post recently about my perfect life, and in that i explained a little about talking to people.

I have not had the best of childhoods, parents who hurt  each other, which cause the start of my depression from a very young age.
which cause me to have body problems which i wont go into, lets just say i got laughed at and picked on so much because of it.
in the last 5 years i have not had any body problems because i finally fount out, that after all the horrible meds i had to take, it was only stress that was causing it.
Going back to the stages of growing up, i never made friends because i was picked on, which then caused me to have bad aniexty.

I was never listened to much, or understood and i could not help with problems either.
I still suffer with problems today due to my past.
I have talked about my past and let it go, which no longer bothers me.
However because the pain of what i had to go through from a kid, till i was about 20, is so deep rooted.
its now caused me to have the problems still, i have learned to better cope but i still do struggle.

Which leads me into talking to people.
Although i get scared, and feel worried, when i am in business frame of mind, so taking photography, networking with people, all my problems go away and i feel, i wouldnt say very confident but i feel confident enough, to say i, asked 2 times in 2 different situations to deliver a pitch about my business.
I asked if i could make a speech, about being part of the feeling good project at tennis.
So why does my brain think its ok to suddenly shut off, when i am just doing day to day things.
Why do i get awakened making a conversation, at the gym, when i am around a friends house, having a drink with a friend etc.
I only made friends at the gym, by asking online, i only made friends in my area but helping the local community, being the business side of me.
Yet if i didnt even go down the route of wanting to own a business, i would not be where i am today.
I would not have friends, and i would not know how to make friends.
A lot of people say, oh if your in a pub, watching a match, comment about the team and getting talking with someone whos also watching, thats not me i would just sit there and watch the game.
People say that talking to someone whos doing the same thing etc is a great way to try and make friends.
Sadly i have known for a very long time that the only time i feel confident to talk about things is online.
I can be who i want without fear of judgement, i can speak my mind without being shy, being that person who sits in the corner keeping himself to himself,
which is what i do in real life.
i feel confident online because there is no face to face interaction.

Which leads me onto a topic that men and women will have many different views about,
Again i like to say that i am not trying to sell myself, trying to play the pity card etc.

From the moment from being a teenager when you start thinking about the female gender to getting my first girlfriend, to even to this day, I am hopeless with women.
well i would say to start with, I have always been shy but around women, i feel silly, let me explain what i mean by that.

so i am sat watching a match in a pub, or sitting with a group of people for whatever reason it is  for example, which by the way all these example is what happending to me as well.
There are women around me, suddenly i start to feel tight chested, i start to feel shy, i start to feel like i should move or leave.
i start to think they are looking at me with funny looks even though 9 out of 10 they probs are not.

If a women sits next to me, the intensive level of it all goes up by not just one level but many.
if i am walking in a pub and a women wants to get past, my body goes funny, even though i move out of the way at the same time it feel like i can not move.

By now this is where a lot of men would say to man the hell up, and women are probs laughing, and to be honest like i said i mentioned before i dont really care, i am me and i will not change (:

The feeling is at the peak when i am at the gym, this is where the funny looks will start if anyone in the gym ends up reading this lol.

Here is a example of a gym session i had today.
I was with my friend, working out, he said, the next thing we are going to do is some sit ups.
2 women was behind us, working out, again women and men have different views on this.
with me helping out the community the last thing i wanna do is lose respect but here goes.
Its hard to focus on what your doing, you dont know why to look, i often find myself looking like a idiot, looking at the floor or turning my back or even looking at nothing just so i am not looking at women.
my stupid head also worrys that i, am the one being looked at weather thats in a good way or bad.

Going to be blunt here, when you got a gym for both genders in a way you do need to show respect,
some men look at womens, body parts and other dont.
I just look at the roof or the floor when i am working out.
That said its a little hard to when your stuggling to do a stretch etc, and told to look in the mirror to see how to position yourself and in the mirror you end up seeing the women moving about.

I also get worried that if i can not do something and end up looking silly that they are laughing at me when in reatitly, a lot of people at the gym, do not care and are just wanting to work out.
I know that and have even just said it, but will my brain learn and do that nope.

In a world where, some women like men looking, where some women, get worried, scared etc about it, in a world where some men dont care if they look and may say to the others who dont , stop being a whimp, its so hard to be yourself around others.

weather its playing sports, running, gym, or even walking in town, i try my best to keep myself to myself.
i avoid people, i look stupid, and i have never been able to change that about myself.

I have talked to guys about how do you start talking to a women, they say just go over and say hello.
ask how they are doing, or take notice in what they are doing and talk about it.
nope thats not me, i am the one who chooses to avoid it and just get on with the day.

its annoying and very frustrating for myself because i dont want to seem like a creep, i dont want to keep hiding, i hate the fact that i am that way around women.

I just want to be able to be confident, not over confident, just enough to start a convo.
it even takes me a while after getting to know someone to feel i can be myself.

Even going on a pub crawl, with my friend which i did not like the sound off, but wanted to do it,
it was not until i was drunk, and not really knowing what i was doing did i let my hair down and just starting dancing.
I dance all the time at home, when no one can see, i love music so much, but if i am not drunk, that part of me does not even come out in the real world.
Even going to gigs in my local town i have just wanted to dance with the music, but i was scared what people may think.

So overall, i know its all my own fault, i live a sheltered life, because i can not learn to just be myself.
I want to be able to talk to women, even for just being friends,
at the moment even though i would love to find someone to be with, i know i can never do that until i learn to talk to the female gender in the real world.
That said i dont let it take over my life, i am happy, with what i am doing, living each day as it comes, slowly trying new things,  but just enjoying the things i have always wanted to do, and putting my heart and soul into them.

so yeah now that i have written this i may have ruined my social image, people may think of me different but, let them, i am find in my own bubble, i am a nerd and proud to be one.
I pity the people that spend hours, trying to be someone they are not, to have a image, to have a social image, sure they may have the perfect life, and have loads of friends but i bet its exuasting to keep it up.
For me, if i try for myself and no one else, then people will understand me better, i wont have to try to be all that, simple is all that i want (:

I leave you with some advice, the next time you pick on someone, or laugh at them, think was i ever in that position, is your fame, and so called friends, worth the image your trying to be.
do you really think looking down on someone will really fill the void of a simple boring mintute in your life, where you could of been doing something worth while?

i only say this because, there is so much judgement, hate and others bad things in this world that if people just learned to accept us other for who they are, then well, things would be nicer.
i know we dont live in a world like that but every little helps i suppose (:

Thanks you reading