Looking back at 2017 !!! Mental and Physical Health | DanielMarshallAdventures

2016 was a very hard year, but 2017 has really changed my life, it has shocked me so i wanted to go through the bad and good points over the last 2 years.

Now I think i have gone into a lot of what happened in 2016 so i will try to briefly explain.

After suffering with depression and anxiety while being with someone for 5 years, things started to fall apart, and in the end due some major faults of my own we broke up a few days into 2016.

At that point i was homeless, i had no friends and i did not want to be around my family.
I tried to kill myself, for 6 months i barley ate, hardly leaving my room, and everyday crying, tearing myself apart.

I could not stop contacting my ex because she was everything, as i did not have a good childhood or a great life overall until i met her.
I was also bullied at school for being the quite one, and no matter how much i tried to fit in i was always picked on and looked down upon.

so for me because i had never made friends, and spent my time making sure she was happy, i just felt like i had nothing to live for.

I had never got help for my issues, and no one suggested about it either until the break up.
I ended up getting a 12 month harassment thing where i could not contact her, etc and i decided then that clearly i was never going to see or speak to her again even as friend so to now focus on turning my life around.

Throughout 2016 i tried to make friends from Grantham online, as my social skills have never been great, and to some it may seem like freckish messaging people on facebook around the local area i dont know.
To me i am confident online, and to me because i struggle so much with people skills in the real world, i would much rather get to know people online for a while first before meeting to be friends.

We somehow still live in a world that people look down upon you for that, and social media has grown so much that i do not see what the issue is now days.

It was not until i started trying to cover events with my photography and videos that i started to find where i belong within the local community.
by the end of 2016 I had managed to find myself a training partner at the gym, as i was really struggling to use the equipment and push myself to go.
what i often get return is people who do not know me being so nasty
Tbh i blame technology, we live more and more in a very anti social and nasty world where everyone inc females will look down at someone they dont even know because of how they look, when trying to get to know someone people will make the stupid viral word of your not my type which is just a lazy way to hold back a nasty comment they want to make on your looks.
like how is someone not your type when all you wanna do is be friends with that person?
It just mades me really angry that these people have nothing better to do in their lives then to look down on others.These people are normally so up their ass that they think they have the perfect friends and the perfect life.
For me i do not judge, on looks, age etc, because a lot of people have forgotten that personality is key.
You could be at society puts it hot as fuck, but you could be a total bitch inside, one that talks behind peoples back, laugh and put others down, just to make their own lives less boring (:

With having my own experiences of hanging out with people at school just to have friends, when in reality all they ever did was take the piss out of me.
at the time i thought having nasty friends was better then having no one but i soon realized that i would rather suffer alone then hang out with those who would only make my depression worse.

So when i started making my first friend i did not know what to expect, he soon became my best friend, as i made more friends online and through tennis and covering events my confidence started to Bulid.

Over the course of 2017 my physical health has only kept growing, and i have been able to achieve so much because of it.
When i was at the gym though i often did struggle with my grip still as well as knowing how to do said workout but after being shown needing help straight away, as i understood what to do but my body would not do the same.
so one of the workouts is using cables, so you arch your back out and pull the cable from your lower chest back up and i could never keep my arms in the right place.
with the deadlifts i kept moving my whole body instead of just standing up.
The annoying thing was i did not know i was doing it when lifting.
I would be told again and again from my friend but most of the time my body never listened.
so overall to people it looks like i am dumb when i am not its just my body is not on the same wave length as my body.
so for me i have to try twice as hard over doing it just to try and keep calm to do the workouts but also push to compete with what they were lifting in terms of weight.
I manage somehow to turn my upset and anger into raw strength, and its amazing how much push i have that only keeps surprising me more and more.

After a few months of using gym gloves for my grip, i eventually stopped using them, which things like the lat pull down and the max rack was still digging into my hands but now i could tolerate the pain a lot more.

Although throughout this year i have been able to get stronger, and more confident around the gym in terms of using the equipment by myself and even trying equipment i was scared to by myself, my confidence around others is still something i need to work on.
I have managed to take part in one class that has changed my stamina and speed, and had be fun and a lot of competition but i have avoided classes like circuits, boxing, dancing and other due to the fact i also need help as i get confused a lot.

On top of that i have this annoying thing about me that i am not confident around females, which in a way out of my own fault its stopped me from being able to explore and train with others in the fun classes.

so instead i just learned to focus on the one class i was good at, and kept aiming to get better and better.
In October it was a double challenge for me as the gym had prizes going for that month so i pushed extra hard but also mixing the watt bike class up with target based sessions.

In the last 3 months i have bonded with people in that class, because of how much everyone pushes themselves to achieve.

Just as i start to win classes and break my own records i have to push even harder as others have pushed just as hard to match me, we all have fun and laughs and its an awesome feeling to be in for that 30 minutes of the class.

In Fact only a week a go to me was the best class ever !!!
I not only got a much higher percentage overall in the class, but beaten records of overall heart rate and peak heart rate for a morning class (:
What amazed me more was a guy that came out of nowhere to match me all the way through that class and ended up beating me toward the end, its a crazy feeling, having the music pumping, seeing how well your doing in front of you, your legs hurting, but out of no where you keep pushing more and more because you want that win !!!!

Its that pure adrenaline rush i have craved more then ever this year, 90 percent of the time, if i running to play shots at tennis, or pedaling fast on the watt bikes, i am happy, i have more engry then i could dream off, my depression gone, i am not worrying or thinking about anything other then pushing my limits more and more.

around 4 months a go i managed to push my heart rate to 195 and it did scare me as for a short while after i did feel dizzy and took me a while to calm down but after something to eat and rest despite reaching my limit, i felt alive and could go again (:

So for me 195 is not good enough in 2018 i wanted to reach at least 200 i know i can do it given the right music and the right situation and as long as i have something with sugar or a bite to eat straight after i will be fine.

Overall i feel the last 4 months something has snapped inside of me, and put me on a even better track in life, it has had it challenges though.

I went through very bad points during those months but without that would not lead me to my new thinking in life and i still do think everything happends for a reason.
The first thing to change was admitting to myself i longer have passion for making videos and to stop trying to keep doing it and then getting stressed over the whole process.
I decided at that point my life needed a new direction, which was to try and go back into Education and study within the health sector.
After a back and forth week of going to the job centre and back to the college, i was told i could not get funding for any level 2, but could for level 3 but cant study level 3 without going on level 2 !!!

I went for the Interview for the course anyway while waiting to hear from the jobcentre over funding.
the course required you to do a screening test aimed at dyslexia.
I got really stressed while taking it and the results showed that i do suffer with it but with it being a screening test it was not a official assessment.
After getting advice from the college i was told it was best to take my GCSES again,
this way it would help re train my brain but also help with getting used to being around others.
i was told however that i would not be able to get any help over my learning diffulty until i was studying a course at the college.
so i started stepping up my already pestering and researching over getting help for my learning diffuclites.

I asked on local facebook groups for any advice, and then i went off contacting lots of different compaines.
most of them either said they was no help, no funding, or to have words with the doctor
The doctors so far in Grantham, either tell you to get over it or do not understand no matter how much you explain things.

I got in touch with a company in Grantham who deal with dyprxia but the problem was they charge 14 pounds per hour, and when i spoke to them, they said i would be looking at a couple of hours a week for at least 1-2 months to chat about the process of getting help etc.
which would be at least 100 pounds a month, and with being on jobseekers i couldnt afford that.
Lots of people have said to me you need to go on ESA again tried that with the useless doctors who take one look at me and go your 26 you look in good shape, if i give you a sick note you would only keep coming back to get one ??? like yeah thats what ESA is you need a sick note to start the application in the first place, and then you need to keep going back in order to keep sending it off so you can get your payments.
i think ive had at least 10 people plus my support worker who say that i need to be on ESA but because the idiot doctors dont understand, then i have just had to stay on job seekers.

A few weeks a go i got in touch with a wonderful company in Lincoln, who understood me very well, and gave me help on the best way to ask for help at the doctors.
This person mentioned that at boston Hospital they look into Learning Difficulties but i would need to be referred by a doctor for it.
So weeks later i was seen by a doctor with my support worker.
I explained everything, inc about the referral, he just shook his head, ingored what i said and moved on in the talk like how rude !!!!

How rude that after 5 times explaining what my issues were and how it affects my day to day life, did it take my support worker to step in as well in order to get a NHS form Printed off, which basically asks you what your issues are and why you need help, which then gets sent back to the doctor and sent away for someone else to look out.

On top of that, on my medical records it was shown that dyslexic was already on there from 2008, 10 years a go !!!
and yet over the last 2 years of seeing over 10 different doctors, not once when mentioning about getting help with it did anyone ever mention my medical records which they would need to look at everytime i asked for help !!!
The Fact as well that it took that many doctors and that many tries to get a NHS form as well is a joke.

 See everything is connected, i cant get a proper place to live as i am not high enough on the Counil,
i cant get higher because i do have issues with my mental health and learning, but have not been on paper to help the application move along.

I cant get help for my issues, so my issues gets worse, which impacts my mental and physical health.
and so on.

So in my mind everything i Achieve is always a test for me and has been Extremely hard to push through everything in order to be happy.
Someone once told me, if your capable of playing sport, in good physical health, and do photography, then why are you not working???

For me everyday is a challenge, with my mental health and with how i am able to get things done.
so i already mentioned about my body doing different to my hands because of that, i have last every job i have had in the past.
My depression also having a big impact on working as, its very hard to control, most of the time it just switches on and off, without a cause, when that happens and i am in a crowed place my aniexty then kicks in to make things even worse.

There are days where i feel good and somedays were my bed is the only place i can be all day.
It was not until the end of 2016 that i was told that Physical health helps a lot with these issues.
So I took Charge and quickly learned that being at the gym and at tennis made me super happy.
That right there is the only answer, when i am in that space, most of the time i dont worry, my issues are gone and i feel good about myself, i do often still struggle with social interaction and being around people but when i am there its more under control to compared to working, as its something i am happy about and enjoying, hence the reason why i wanted to start my own business up.

Its taken a year of hard battles, of even having days and weeks where even sport has made me upset and feel worse, to make my physical health much better which had not fixed my mental health but made it so much better.

Its one of the things why going back into education is key for me as its taking one step out of my comfort zone, getting used to be around others again and hoping that after my GCSES i can either finally get somewhere with studying within the health sector or have the confidence to work again.
as i may be able to capture photography for events but i am not a confident person around people overall.
Now is partly one of the reasons i decided to take a break from photography, even my Private Counselor argeed, she said i would regret it if i stopped it all together, as its where my creative mind comes from, its my passion and its done wonders with connecting with the local community.
However i often used the camera as an excuse to hide the real me, i used the camera as my confidence, and it got so bad that i really did not enjoy going to things without it.
It did me good but it also was a major issue is enforcing the issue rather then learning to deal with being in a crowed place without it.
i was told that maybe for a short while just go out and take photography of what you like taking, rather then saying right today there is an event ill go and take photos of that.

all my friends and the local community have said the same thing which is just keep being me, keep enjoying what i do as it clearly has been helping.

Technology For me is a blessing and a curse, its a blessing as i am able to help the community, i am able to relax when not working on photos etc, and just watch my fav tv shows, movies and Youtube Videos.
Its a curse as because i have for to long made myself get cosy in the bed, it stops me from leaving as when i feel down, being in bed does not cure but helps make me feel better rather then trying to push through it and be social.

Its been a curse because i have not gone to things that i would enjoy because i havent been in the mood to bring my camera with me and in the last month of not really using it, i have been much happier (:
in the last month i have been more social, i listen more to people, i have slightly changed the way i have been eating, and i have more drive to succeed in life then i have done.
In a way i feel that i am very knowledgeable and easy to talk to because of my life experiences.

I loved being with my partner and yes i do miss her and yes i wish we could be friends,
but at the end of the day, through that experience ending, i am slowly finding the real me.
I have made friends, i have a great community of people that have started to understand me
and slowly i am getting used to being independent.
Its hard, sometimes it does feel lonely, and i know when i was with my partner i did relay on her a lot to do things i could not do, its taken 2 years to adjust myself to my new situation and i love it.

I am close to my flat mates which its the first time being in a shared house i have managed to let my guard down and be myself around others.
In a way they are more people in terms of friends, because we get on so well.
I enjoyed the 5 years i was with my partner and i would not want to change it expect just being able to have friends and learn to be an independent person back then.
and to me my life is only just starting i may be 26 but i feel like a kid again because i am now getting life experiences that i should have had around 19-20.

Overall this year has shown me that although i was not an amazing person with my partner and i had a lot of faults i have battled, to get help over it, i have took the time to learn about my faults and to either fix them or find a way around them.
and for 2018 i hope that i can finally get the help i have been looking for and that my new direction in life will be one with a good meaning, good laughs and great times.

Thank you For Reading and i hope your 2018 brings you some magical (:

Ramblings of a confused man ????/ Recovery college ??? 29-09-17 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

That time again where i was meant to be creative and have ongoing blog posts that need to be done but just do not have that creative spark or drive, been debating weather to write this for nearly 2 hours now !!!!
Its not been a great week at all, and is why i feel i need to write to get my thoughts away.
Before i get into the bad week i wanted to explain about the kinda of good news I got today.

So as some of you may know who reads my blog posts, since 2016 i have battling with the lack of support by the mental health services.
In life, it so ironic that you not told about services that are offered by the same company at the same place you have been going to for other kinds of help !!!!
This week while playing tennis, i got talking to someone about anxiety and about the useless course i was given to me last week a course that i had waited 6 months for !!!!

The course i was given by the mental health services, aka steps to change, was a group  anxiety course.
Now on the letter it did not explain what it entailed, so in my mind i thought it would be like getting to know each other, group activities to help get of the fear of talking to people and being in the room with others ???

As i arrived for my first session, i had to fill out the thing that should be banned which is the stupid so how have you felt over the past 2 weeks with about 12 questions, of a score based between 0-10 !!
To me when you have had a bad week, or even a good week, we as humans do not mark ourselves on score, we often do not put the correct score depending if that week has been good or not.
This then often leads to not getting further help because they base their decision on the stupid score system and oh no if you did not score high you dont get the help you need !!!!

I filled it in but i swear if i get given it again, even if i kick up a fuzz i am not filling one in ever again.
Instead much like my private counseling i have been having that i will explain a little more later on, even they argeed with many people that, it should be banned and the way the trust deals with patience's is very poor.
The private counseler even said that she had enough of following their workings and that talking to someone about their issues and accessing what help is needed is better then asking someone to rate how they feel !!! 

So going back to the talk with someone at the tennis place, they mentioned that at the same place i go to they do recovery courses also known as recovery college.
These are aimed at group interactions, which is what is should be about.
if you want to find out more about it you can here (:
http://www.lpft.nhs.uk/our-services/adult-services/recovery-college

So why on earth after having 12 weeks of counseling, 5 weeks of CBT, did the same trust never ever mention about this !!!!!!! its nuts.
I then was talking about my anxiety to a friend that i went to for a social meet, and they knew about it and gave me the number to ring.
That is what i did i have got an appointment to talk about the courses like a enrollment, does not mean that the 18th October i have this that i will get instant help.
As they run a lot of different taster courses and core courses, from understanding stress, aniexty and a lot lot more !!! something that i have been wanting this whole time (: here is a little brief write up of a section of a email i just got explaining about the courses.
Your enrolment at the College will last one year. The College runs on a three term academic year. During the first two terms we recommend you taking a mixture of ‘taster sessions’ and ‘core sessions. In your final term, to prepare you for leaving the College, we would recommend you take our ‘moving on’ courses. At enrolment we would make sure you are not overwhelming yourself by taking too many courses, therefore, we would advise a maximum of eight courses during the academic year.

all courses are free, you dont need to bring ID, or anything with you, and i believe as long as they dont overlap your allowed to go onto as many as you can.

I do suffer with both depression and anxiety, and with having private counselling just from the last month, has helped more then the time i have had with the trust.
I was told by the trust 2 months a go when i got a phone call about the anxiety course, that i do seemed to suffer from aniexty the most and i cant say i do i think both are just as bad as each other.

So i am really helping that this recovery college will be the next steps to make me a much more confident person (:
Anxiety is a big problem for me on top of being really shy to meet new people and talk to people.
Unless i am talking about my photography, things i am passionate about or even having a common intrest with that person, i am a totally different person and just struggle coping with making conversation.

Over the past year i have tried as much as possible to force myself out of my comfort zone.
Weather that is meeting with a group of people, to even going to local music gigs.
Most of the time at music gigs i end up leaving due to a overwhelming about of people near me.
In group meets i seem to latch onto one person to talk to as trying to talk to different people just makes me feel on edge, my heart races, i get into a panicked state and just want to leave.

From experience of that i now know that group meetings are just not my thing, the last few months i tried to challenge myself to going to a local social event held once a month in Grantham at a wonderful place.
I have been there 3 times and everytime i just sit there quiet, looking awkward, Its been good going though as i met another photographer, and someone who passed on the details of the counselor i am seeing now (: 
Its often frustrating though, as i dont want to be like that, i dont want to have the need of people coming to me to start the convo, or seeing me quiet and talking.
What i want is when i go to group meetings, is to go in feeling confident, start a talking point off, then go talk to someone else and make friends, yet something just wont snap to make that possible.
Even everyday life i am the same, I love playing tennis, and expect for someone talking to me again starting a talking point off. I often find myself to focused on my tennis then being social.
At the gym, i have got better at talking but still will avoid the chance to meet new people and just focus on what i am doing.
I just seem incapable of talking, a lot of people say what you complain about  just go and do it !!
like der that is what i am trying to do, those people do not know how hard and how taxing it is on yourself pushing yourself out of your comfort zone sometimes it can make you feel worse because of the pressure of having someone telling you just to do it.

I think a lot of people do not know this side of me because i am mostly known as the man with a camera.
I use that to have my confidence and through that i seem to be able to network with people and even talk, its nuts how much of a different person i am just with a camera in my hand (:

Now i will go into the past few weeks and why the last week had been my worst in a long while.
Every week i have meetings with the counselor, talking about my past, my emotions etc.
Every week, for about a hour i feel drained at the end because when you drag so much history up, that you have buried then it impacts not only your mind but your body.
After that though i feel pumped for the day so getting things of my chest really helps.

2 weeks a go I was talking about my photography and what i do for the community,
and she mentioned when was the last time you just went out and took photos for yourself, exploring and capturing what you see.
I said to not in a while, because its been so business and event based, which is nothing wrong with that, but obvious it can be very tiring and demanding.

I took on board what she said and the next day went out for a wonderful walk, i often go by the saying everything happends for a reason, and its true.
In that moment of exploring lead me to enter a photography competition, which was for the Lincolnshire Rivers trust, they loved my photo so much that it was used on Facebook as their cover for the event coming up in Grantham (:
That week started off great because I was in the Journal about my work, only a few days before.
Sadly by the end of the week things went downhill very fast.
Friday 22nd, started epic as i played my best tennis ever, was really happy.
Got home had a shower, something to eat, then a few hours later started to feel strange.
This feeling was not new as Because i have suffered so long i have this sense that i do not feel right, like i am not sad or upset but now really happy either.

By 6pm i had set myself a plan, as i was going to see a local music artist, I started listening to music, and then just after 7.30pm, I could hear shouting over the music.
So I looked outside to see people shouting at each other, and then 5 mins later Police car turning up.
This of course put me on edge a little, even though, it was nothing to do with me, and my brain should not be stupid to get worked up, it did.
I was late leaving due to wanting to wait till it had quieten down, which made me walk faster in my highten state .

I got there, and settled myself thinking right i got my camera to take photos and enjoy a wonderful night, yeah that did not happen.
I could not get comfty, again i did not feel sad but i did not feel really happy either.
After the artist said he was taking a small break, i decided to leave.
Walking back i suddenly without thinking of anything got upset, felt panicked, just being a total idiot.

I got back and for i think 20 Minutes, just sat there about to cry not doing anything.
brushed it aside and started editing the photos i managed to take hoping the next day will be better.
I had managed to dead sleep, where you feel like you have had tons more sleep then you have, which often you will have a headache, feel dizzy, hot, and just do not want to get out of bed.
I set my alarm for 9am and just switched it off, and re woke at 10am.
My body struggled to move but i know i wanted to play tennis later on that day.
90 percent of the time tennis with it being my happy place, snaps me out of it, but there are days where again it makes you feel worser.
That is what happened as, to say i am very physical fit, and no not in looks wise haha but like my speed etc, i just could not move my feet, i could not play at all, it was like i had forgotten how to do anything.

Of course this lead me to feel annoyed at myself, not having good games and making me feel crap about myself walking back home.

I knew i had other stuff to do throughout the day like writing 2 blog posts, one still not being done as i write this one !!!
I had no creativity, and that whole evening was spent in my bed watching shows and feeling awful.
The next morning i felt the same as the other night with dead sleeping again.
A few hours after waking up, i knew i needed to go out as the event for the photography competition was on.
I was glad i went as it cheered me up, with seeing loads of cats on the way back and taking photos of them (:
overall i was not back to normal but i felt a bit better, it did not last long as for the 3rd night i felt like i had more sleep then i did.
For most of Monday, was spent in bed, did not even go to tennis as seeing the counselor again was changed to a Tuesday for that week.

I did have something to look forward to which was doing Cardio at the gym in the evening.
This lead to more being annoyed at myself as i could not push myself as hard as i had been doing.
for some reason my mental state was really affecting my physical body a lot.
Tuesday was a better day, only because of talking about things again, i was now feeling 90percent better !!

The next day was tennis, and i did a bit better, but by the end i felt rubbish again, and did nothing else after that until the evening for more cardio which again was not getting the results i was used to.
This time I had managed to lock my legs and cause a lot of pain, which of course i felt miserable again, ahhh !!!

This leads me onto the last 2 days , expect for last night, I had nearly dead sleeped for a week !!!
all week i had not had the drive i was used to, as mentioned towards the start, was the group meeting, and i mostly talked to the one person i had known from other meets, plus i was still not feeling my usual self.
Today was just a miss match of feelings, as 1 opportunity i had was gone, and another re arranged so my plans for the day changed.
I went to play tennis, and once again, i just fell apart, would not be as bad if i was making wrong decisions like we all sometimes do with anything in life.
its when your body does not want to move, your coordination skills go out the window and you just feel like why am i even bothering anymore.
This week has just been horrible, not because of the things i have done but because i have not been able to control how i have been feeling which had then had a negative impact on doing those things.

I have tried to relax and let the day go and hope for a better day that did not work, i tried taking a good grip on reality and that had the same results.
I just do not know at the moment why i feel the way i do, as i should be happy, my photography is going places, so why i am not happy ???
I just feel so confused right now, lost in my own thoughts.
I miss so much in life because i either leave early, i do not bother going, and when i do my social skills are nothing, i want to experience so much more in life and yet how can i even be accepted because of my mental health, how can i do these things when, i can not stay ??? AHH !!!!!

I think for now i have written enough as this has took 2 hours out of my day not that i am doing anything with it lol.
For me i try to always improve on things, and push myself its just so how when the demons are fighting back harder and harder every month, like the more i achieve the stronger they get.

When i have more details over the course at the recovery college, i shall do a update post but for now i just somehow need to snap myself out of what ever the heck is going off with me at the moment (:
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My Creative spark A year later !!! | Daniel Marshall Adventures

when i first decided that i wanted to blog about things, i had made a post about My photography and what it meant to me at the time, a lot has changed over the last year so i thought i would fill you in (:

In June 2016, I got funding from the Princes Trust After putting a business plan Together which was to create video content for businesses.

Before i got the funding, i had met someone to work on the plan, and branding, At the time i did not have a camera and i had to make do with what i had which was a Ipad Mini.

Even though i wanted to start a business up, i had no idea about a lot of things.Instead of learning about how to make videos to a professional standard, how to be a director in the sense of getting the clients to remember what they needed to say and even say stop if i felt it was not a good take, i knew none of this !!! i went into the deep end, having to get advice from people and self teach myself.

Putting the plan together was a nightmare, creating daft copies after draft, having to put long terms and short team goals, how would i market myself and things like that this often put a lot of stress on me and caused my depression to be really bad.
The finished product was a shirt with my branding, business cards and over 30 pages of a plan.

as you can see from the picture above.
Using the Ipad was so stressful as the tripod i had to fit a Ipad never seemed tall enough, so it was often put on boxes, I met with a business client to do a test video for their business
The whole process did not go great, the video went on Youtube Under private for months as the client was not happy with it and then i delete to get rid off all the footage ): as i was not happy with it either.

It was then i Realized that i was going to really struggle at the whole Business video approach and decided a few months later that running a business is not what i wanted anymore.
I had a lot of trouble of My website as me and the person creating it has different ideas and well we did not get on, someone else took on the website but this person could not grasp the concept that it needs to be modern and putting on a image from google images of Grantham was just not acceptable!!!
So the website that was known as Danmediaproductions.co.uk is no longer there.

As i now had my camera from the Funding i used it as a way out of the house, as that was the place that was causing me to become more depressed.
I started Making Vlogs which i had made in the past but this time talking about my issues and what i had been up to, i guess it was another way of trying to make myself feel better and put myself in a better frame of mind to get on with the day.
Most of the time these vlogs were filmed around Grantham, but the one i love the most is when I traveled to Lincoln to meet a group of people for a day out and met a local musician, I loved Lincoln because of the views of the water near the city Centre and of course steep hill which i had to walk up plus a hour from there in order to get to the pub where i was meeting the people (:
I enjoyed putting together the video after and its a great memory to look back in fact i have not been to Lincoln since that day ):


Back then my photography was not great either because i had no idea what settings to use combined with using a really awful editing program which at the time i thought it was great.
This program was called lightzone which was supposed to be like lightroom but instead made the pictures ultra small in size and look rubbish.

So i just kept learning, both with video production and photography in hopes something would click.
in August 2016 I had popped down to the local food bank, as i was in need of some help,
it was there i had met someone who worked there and was learning photography to,

We chatted and really got on (: I was then talking to Brian about what i wanted to do as a business, as we talked about creating a video for the food bank.


The first proper makings of putting a video Together and it did not go well, i told Brian this and tried again this time much better, so i created a few more about the team, and one other video (:

After that I noticed a protest going off to do with the closure of the Grantham A & E so i marched with them as well as quickly taking photos and putting a video Together of the day.


My Facebook went mad, with over 1,000 likes on my photos even though they were to me not amazing quality and the video was getting a lot of attention as well, this was when i knew i could still help my local community as a hobby instead (:

From that moment i started working on connecting with people and creating networking opportunities.

In December Sarah Stock was running for a campaign in Sleaford and asked if i could Film the whole conference, which was a good day out to support her and also help out, one to add to my portfolio.

I got the chance to watch a Lincolnshire County Council Meeting also in December, and then until the end of February 2017 The video making front went quiet.
I did not feel in a great place in my mind, and was not enjoying making them, so instead i focused more on learning photography, and working on my physical health as well.


The problem i have is i like to be creative, i like to explore and dabble into different things.
I love making music to and i was using my video skills to try and make visual music videos.
This took hours and days of watching videos on how to do certain things and waiting nearly half a day for the video to export !!!

In those 2 months i had not uploaded any video content, i was still trying to latch onto the idea that i could make videos for businesses.
I know the layout of how i want the video to go, but filming it and learning what effects you want is 2 different things.

So when you have the love of playing tennis and wanting to come up with a amazing creative video for that business, and just crumble under the pressure it really affects your thinking.
this was a intro i had made for the video at the time (:


I knew then that being a video producer just was not what i wanted to do anymore, so i looked around to see of any way of studying more about photography.
I was in look at Grantham college was having a min courses, which was a photography club once a month, and Photoshop lessons once a week !!!

Learning about what settings to use on the camera and learning how to edit photography was really paying off, i was noticing how much clearer my photos were and that photography i managed to capture of Nottingham last year was looking so much nicer and to this date love 2 photos i managed to make look amazing as you can see below (:


The need to try and be part of a community but also still make videos was urging to come out, so that is what i did another march to save Grantham A &E went off, this time wanting to put a better video together, the video did good but once again the photography was doing so much better !!

From that point is when my photography really took off, and i connected more and more with the community (:

The following week saw the biggest task at hand and a totally new experience for me, which pushed my anxiety levels to the max, as i was surrounded by nearly 250,000 people.

This was Going to London, to save our NHS !!!!!! Because i had got involved with the campaigning locally, i was asked to come with to march in London.

I knew my laptop was not great with battery left using editing programs but i still brought it with me, to edit Sarah Stock as she pumped up the bus journey and to transfer over 200 pictures and tons !!!! of video clips taken throughout the day of the march.
Between having a heavy backpack, my laptop, and holding now and then protest signs it made me so tired by the end.

Ive said it before but video production is not a easy job, you have to sort through all the clips to see which ones you will use, edit them, put graphics in, check levels etc, wait for it to export, upload it with good information about the video, share it to different sources, all that just for one video haha, and i had done 5 or 6 i think, on top of sorting through 200 photos to edit !!!

Again the community loved my pictures and again i knew that sticking to photography was my little niche (:

As well as improving my photography i was working on, networking with people and seeing what other ways i could help my community.
So i created a twitter called helping lincolnshire, where i could tweet and retweet anything to with events, posts that businesses had post etc just another source for people to find out whats going on around Lincolnshire !!!

If its not not being asked By ITV to use my photos of the marches in Grantham, then its using how open i am about my mental health and to also promote a good cause on the radio !!!

I had been working a lot on my physical health playing tennis, but also creating blogs about the scheme the tennis club had put on, I got asked to go on Gravity Fm, and then a week later, to BBC Radio Lincolnshire, this was again another step forward in my life using my skills !!

For me what i love about being creative is i take what i do in everyday life, like playing sports, going to the gym and make something more out of it that will help people !!!
I have already done a blog post about the gym i go to so i will not go into to much detail, but i used my photography and social media marketing skills to help them out (:

Another achievement for me was still not wanting to give up creating video but now looking at it from a different perspective, which was covering events.

This being only a few days after going on the radio so it was all happening so fast.
In April 2017 it was St Georges day In Grantham, with lots of stalls, Parades, Dancing and much more going off.




A Group called Octovox was Performing and i feel in love with them as they style was acapella,
and reminded me so much of pentatonix (:
After the day had finished i worked hard on editing the photos first, and then i made a video of just them singing, and a video about the Parade, using Octovox singing as the background hehe (:

I dont claim to be a expert at video production and i know my video making skills need to improve a lot, but as i mentioned above photography is more my passion.

I kept challenging myself to take the same photos every few months around Grantham, but to always improve.
One night it was really nice so i decided to take a small stroll around the town, I noticed the colorful sign of a betting shop and wanted to experiment with the picture when i got back home as you can see above.

One thing i know how to do is get the photos out there, to as many facebook groups, on twitter, instagram etc so again when you think of anything media related there is always much more work to it that people do not see, they just see the end result being the video, pictures etc (:

In may i wanted to challenge my aniexty but also expand my skills into seeing live bands around Grantham, and capturing it.
I love music and always will, even while i write this i am listening to music haha.
The first band i went to see Under the covers, I had brought my camera with me because i wanted to do if i could cope, sadly it got to much for me and left a hour in.
I wrote a blog post about seeing them though, which in fair was a short blog, but it seemed to do really well better then anything i had written at that time.

I forced myself to see more bands and even connecting with the guy who runs the scene who was also a photographer (:
Being able to connect with people gives you so much more insight into their lives but also you get to help each other.
I think the biggest life changing event in terms of my media skills has been meeting CJ Hatt



I really got on well with the guy, and he really liked me making videos of him performing and my photography so much that a few months later, i am going in the car with him to 2 events he played, getting a insight into a musicians life and keeps saying i am his official photographer hehe (:

Although that change in my life has set things in motion, i think for me my achievement in terms of video production  skills has to be when i covered a fun day a few months back at Dysart park in Grantham !!!!

I had decided the day before to do some Re-branding with watermarks both with photography and on the videos i made, which really worked a treat (:

I was at the event most of the day, and i think i walk around all the stalls and what was going off at least 10 times, trying to capture the best spots but to also make sure i was not missing something like the dog show as you can see with the picture above and below.

I had edited over 50 pictures, and now it was time for the video editing to start,
with events you need to put a good video together but its also time based, as the later you post it the less attention it will draw and well it was needed to be up quick for a reason that i did not even know of at the time.

With the video i wanted to create the theme of it being fun, since that was the meaning of the event.
The music i used with it worked like magic and i also added a comedy side to things towards the end.
Hannah who worked for the Fun day team, loved the video and photography, that she asked me if i could do my very first editorial for Grantham Matters, which they posted along with my work !!!
So you see if i had posted the video a week later and really nick picked at very little detail to maybe make the video better it would not have got the fame it did !!!! everything happens for a reason is my motto i live by (:

my biggest achievement though overall since starting my media Journey was being asked questions for the Journal and having a whole page about, where i came from and why i do what i do to help the local community !!!!
this last few weeks as been a lot of achievements as I had put a lot of photos together with a blog post about how Feel Good Fitness In Grantham has helped me so much, which got shared onto their page and a lot of people loved it (:
To entering my first photography competition for World Rivers day
 

I have my wonderful Counselor to thank who i had been seeing for a few weeks now, we talked about a lot of things, inc that i do a lot for the community, but not a lot just for myself, like going for walks and capturing the wonderful place of Grantham, something i had not done in so long because of still loving photography but it was more event based then inspired based !!!

The team who runs the rivers day loved my photo and used as their cover for the event.
On top of that when i went to the event, I was asked to be in a photo with others to be used in a upcoming Journal newspaper so fingers crossed its in there haha.

One of the things i love about being creative is stopping doing one creative thing to do another and things turning out great.
While i was writing about The London Experience, i wanted to go through and create black and white versions, in the past i never bothered with the concept as, black and white photography was not my thing, but the more i started to explore and love photography, the more i liked looking and creating them.




with making black and white photography, its not as simple as hitting the filter and hey you have it.
for me i like going into the filter, fine tune little bits, maybe make the sky a bit brighter, or for example on the picture above the sign saying no cuts more visible (:


For black and white i even start experimenting with shots taken in Grantham of just normal day life, but in a kind of Darker way as seen below (:


So overall its been a big year for me, My media targets may not have been hit to what i wanted to set out and achieve but with taking steps to push through my depression and aniexty, i have connected with the community, and i have achieved things i could never dream off !!!

I honestly can not even think where life will take me next, I just live each day as it comes, pay attention to what is going off in the world and try and help (:
if i can help just one person or one business, and put a smile on their faces then i am happy.
I dont make a living for this and do not see it in the future its just something i really love doing !!!

So there you have it sorry for the small pictures as, i cant seem to get a hang of using other sites, for now i keep blogging on blogger (:
If you would like to see full size photography of my work,
then please follow me on the links below and have a great..... day

My social links

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/

  https://twitter.com/DanMediaP

https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC

https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/

http://dmpuk.weebly.com/

Grantham Live Music Scene, The Mummy, Mouse Trap & Jasper Cain, 05-08-17 | Daniel Marshall Adventures

Gosh its been a hell of a week, was meant to have this up by now, i just had a lack of creativity and motivation to write  this so here goes !!!!!!!

After a few months of not going to see live gigs due to it being to much on my anxiety, i decided to to come out of my comfort zone, as i missed it the the thrill and excitement but also taking photography of the performers (:

On Saturday 5th August 2017 I went to see Mouse Trap, Mummy And Jasper Cain At Castle Gate In Grantham My friend Trevor Bunn was Hosting it, Whenever he is around at the gigs i feel much better about going because i know someone there, and also even if we do not talk a lot i just feel more safe and happy with him being there (:

Mouse Trap was up first so as always i made sure to be up front, to not only get the best surroundings for listening to music but to capture photography (:

These Guys were amazing, again my eyes and ears were focused more on the drums, haha Thats just me i like all of a song but seem to find myself often tapping away to the beat.

You have heard of battle of the bands but in this case it was battle of the photographers !!!

You can see my camera in the corner, then you have Annie Gascoyne also know as Alternative Annie
She is a photographer but also write Blog posts, you can find out more about her here (:
https://anniesalternative.wordpress.com

here is a few of her pictures she took of the night (:





You then Had Trevor behind Taking photography as well, and all i could see at the side of me was them laughing at each other as they had to battle with who was going to get the best shots haha

The next band blew my mind away, and was the highlight of the night for me.
That is of course Mummy, also known as we are your mummy.

Every song just seem to be better then the last, The drummer was epic,  The lead vocalist Frank has some incredible Tattoos as you can see from the Picture at the start of this blog.
I do not think i have ever seen a man, pour his soul so much into the microphone, as well as doing some great head banding and a moment i wished i had captured on camera.
Luckily enough Trevor got that golden shot haha

I noticed the cool pedals on the floor you can see next to him, i did try to capture these but the photo did not turn out great.

From the amazing drum parts, to the passionate Vocalist you would think that was it but then you had the earth cracking, rib crunching bass, rumbling through your whole body, it was insane.
words of last 2 songs came out of their mouths and i really did not want it to end.
A sure way to end a night on a high is to play a track, that people will remember and to really give it everything you have got.
A nearly 10 Minute song, which Inc a lot of Drops all at once, The music just made you speechless, and i found myself now head banding to it, and just wanting to jump up and down.

You really get a totally different experience when you watch bands play live, you get to live the moment, feel the vibes run through your bones, here tracks that are upcoming and never been heard else where, remixes etc.

I just loved the reaction of this dude, like he is saying Guys.... I can see a mummy !!!!



 I can tell you after that long song, the adrenaline i felt was amazing, they finished with a killer last song as well, My overall opinion i think these guys killed it they showed what Grantham is all about,
They showed how to rock a stage, and to say I do not normally listen to their genre of music, it was like i had fallen in love and listen to them play for years.
They opened my heart to their style of music, I can not say everytime i see a band play oh they were the best band i have ever seen.
I think its hard to choose your Fav band, Thats why the bands that have been coming to Grantham not just at castle Gate but other venues, its just been a good selection of different music, from acoustic, heavy metal, rock and much more.
CJ Hatt Rocks the acoustic style, but Mummy rocks well i would not call it Heavy Metal so lets say the rock section haha !!!

It was around 10 pm and i Realized when i got home after looking on social media I had left before seeing Jasper Cain, Although i was gutted, in another way i felt  it was the right time to leave,
My heart was Racing, and I could hardly hear due to being so close to the speakers !!!
so here is a picture From Trevor (:



It would be Great to see this band one day but also it would be killer to hear The Mummy again !!!!
Overall, it was a great night of music, I really enjoyed myself, and i was really glad to have gone along, as it cant always been done but sometimes you need to put yourself in that position where you might not like being there but once you Focus on just listening to the music, you will feel much better, if i did not go i would not of been able to find new music, have my heart racing, and Capure some great photography of the bands (:

So Thank you to all the bands that came To Grantham, I really hope, More Talent comes to Grantham or is even fount in good old G town !!!!!!!!

If you want to see Full sized Photography of my work from the night + More pictures then please check out my social links after the Bands Social links (:

Mouse Trap Social Links -
https://www.facebook.com/MouseTrapSka/

The mummy social Links -
https://www.facebook.com/weareyourmummy/
http://www.weareyourmummy.com/
https://www.instagram.com/weareyourmummy/

Jasper Cain social Links -
https://www.facebook.com/jaspercainband/
http://jaspercainband.tumblr.com/

Grantham Live Music Scene
https://www.facebook.com/groups/533875863477142/

My social Links-

https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/

  https://twitter.com/DanMediaP

https://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC

https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs

https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/

http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/

http://dmpuk.weebly.com/

A circle of Life 1 step forward, & 2 back, Plus Media Career | Daniel Marshall Adventures

This post is going to be split into 2 sections, which will reflect on each other, a section focusing on my life, and a section, on what is next for media Career (:

I have mentioned in a lot of blog posts about mental health, which i will be touching up a little in this post.
Over the past year a lot has changed in my life, and every month i started to accept who i am, my strengths, weakness, things wrong with me etc.
Every month, i learned to be more open about these problems to people, and this year i have been the most open i have ever been.
I am doing something not a lot of people can do because of how it impacts their social standards, or even impacting who they network with, or who even sees what they say online.
I put things in these posts knowing it links with my media life, the people i help in my local community, because i am one person, and my social standard does not bother me, in fact i have fount the more open i have been, it is not affected networking with people.
they understand me, they take the time, to know what i go through but also how confident of a person i can be and what creative skills i have to help them out.

The last year has been a very hard battle, with not being able to get help from the mental health services, to not beening able to get help with my learning difficulties to even getting permanent housing sorted.

at the start of 2016 i had broke up with girlfriend, due to a lot of things that were my own fault, and i realized i was not happy with the person i was, after suffering, 18 years of my dad being verbal and physically abusive to my mum, i managed to move away from it,  this cause the depression i have today, with the anxiety and learning diffcults i have because my parents did not have the patience to help me learn, instead all i ever got was shouted out.
this can have a big impact on your brain, when you think your safe and fixed you do not realize your own actions.
it has such a psychological impact on the way you act, even if your happy with your life at the time.
every relationship, has arguments and fights at some point, but having my past experience in my brain meant that, often i did come across, as possibly verbal abusive.
did not help that we both liked to win as such, and even though i loved with my last girlfriend to bits, we did fight a lot over such stupid things.
the first year was the worst as i was not at all used to spending time with someone, as up till i was 18 most of my life was spent in my bedroom, pushing away the pain, and shouting and much more going off.
I never got help, while i was with my girlfriend, so after the break up, i knew a lot of things needed to change in my life.
a period where i needed the help i could not get it till it was to late.
since then its been a year and half of self discovery, of changing the person i was, learning about the world, helping people who suffer with the same problems, helping the community, making friends something i never had, becoming stronger, faster, fitter, just getting my head down, and working hard to make a difference in my life.
A lot of people look down on mental health, and a lot of the things i have to deal with on a day to day basis,  accumulate to my overall wellbeing.

Things like, not being able to tie laces, not being able to cook, due to knowing how to but my hands to different to what i want to do.
loving writing, but having poor spelling and Grammer.
days where i am happy then all of a sudden without thinking of anything bad, i feel upset, i feel weak, my body then goes weak, and hits a hell of a lot just to even go down some stairs to cook food, or to even tidy my room.
Days where playing sport, doing photography, making videos, or anything just does not make me happy, and nothing i do snaps me out of how i feel, i just have to put up with it, and hope the next day is better.

over the last year and a half, i have been through support housing, which is only temp accommodation for 6 months, you then either move onto their move on flat for 2 years, go to a shared house, or go homeless !!!!
just over 6 months after being with the housing team, i had to find a shared house, which many days ended up with me crying or being frustrated as time was getting closer and closer and i could not find a place.
In the end i had to fund the deposit, from my business loan i got to set up my business, which meant i had less money to spend on equipment.

The first month while i was in the shared place,was great, it was a wonderful place to me it felt luxury !!!

Sadly my depression kicked back super bad and from there it got worse and worse, often my room not getting tidy, and being told off for it, i was told if it was not going to get better that they would have to let me go.
often i did tidy up, but fount myself getting in a circle, due to my depression, keeping in my room most of the time.
around this time i did start tennis but it was only once a week, so other then that and going to gym, most of my time was spent in my room.

when i was with my girlfriend, i always washed up, made the place look nice, but for some reason, that motivation had just gone, i knew i was in the best place in the world and what did i decide to do but let it get underneath me.
The landlords were the best people in the world, i often had good chats with them, heck we all even went out for a few drinks, they were that sort of people that, wanting you to feel accepted there.
But because it was nice place of course i dont blame them for wanting people to respect the place.
i would be the same if i was letting someone rent my place for example (:

After this i fell back with support housing which is where i am today.
and i find myself in the same circle i was in last year !!!!
Problem is because i do not work, on Job seekers, its been a tough year, just to be able to enjoy a day out, or even have a game of pool with people, because of the lack of money.
I pay for gym, tennis, phone, broadband, kind of broadband, princess trust loan, which is a 2 year pay back, editing software to do my photography and videos,  food, rent, once you added how much i pay for everything i am left with 20-25 a month to spend with, to go on having a game of pool etc.

If being part of a running club i struggle, even though the membership for it is paid yearly, which is only 24 pounds, there are events that go off, around lincolnshire and nottingham that i would love to go, but cant afford because if i did that one thing, i would not be able to do anything else in that month.

which for me i hate being in the house, ok some days its great to able to watch some shows, but that is where my depression hits the most.
Its why i play tennis so much because it makes me happy (:

so when it comes to money i struggle, i also struggle to work, every job i have had ive lost.
struggling, trying my hardest but never being able to cope, i dont cope at all in the heat, anything over 20 makes me feel ill, to the point i do nothing all do but watch tv, and even that i struggle with, i cant move,
what worries me is because my mood depsite trying so hard to keep my mind busy, is so all over the place, i dont have the drive or moatvaition to even do the things i love like tennis, photography etc.
which means they will be a lot of days where i cant even move to go to work, even if it is for money, my brain and body shut down.
there are days where i had to force myself through a lot of pain, to go out and play tennis because its what i love and i know i cant sit in all day, and sometimes i come back, feeling upset and worse for going because i have not been able to play, my legs have not been able to move like on some days where i can play great.

so if i cant even do what i love most days, what on earth would it be like working, i would struggle more which then would end up losing  job, getting stresssed and worried having to re apply for jobseekers, and then the circle of life starts again !!!!

Even starting up my own business, made me depressed, in fact it sent it into overdrive, and for months i hated making videos so i didnt.

so now i have a situation that is one forward and 2 back.
the council put me forward, onto a housing association there new way of dealing with people on the waiting list for a place !!!! ):

Its my own permanent flat, i have to pay for water, and electric, which is fine to me, ok i will have fork out a extra 15 a month to what i am paying now but for my own place thats the cost.
Until you learn the extra costs, !!!!!!

they want 313 pounds upfront for the rent, so much like renting agencies, but without the fees.
which i cant afford, so i have had to put in a form, asking for it.
this scheme to get the money you have to pay back per week, which is around 5-10 pounds a week, which i can not afford due to all the bills i already have.
on top of that, most of what i own belongs to the support housing i am in.
so things like fridge, freezer, washer, even a bed and more i would need to buy which again i have no money for that.
i have been told, there are compaines out there that for 20 pound you can pick 4 items etc.
which is only a small fix and would cost me.
so at the moment i have all this worries on my mind, which has been  making me stressed and very worried.
I have never had a place by myself, if i struggle to cope in support housing how am i going to cope in my own place !!!!!!!!!

On the plus side its my own place, i can have friend over, not that it would have a tv to keep them entertained or anything for them to sit down on.
overall my mental health has in some what come along way since the break up with my ex but in other ways its still just as bad.

Even if i took the flat with the housing support and not this company, it would be exaulty the same just minus the upfront rent and it would only be for 2 years !!!!!

Its a circle that, i honestly have no idea what i suffer with, because i can not get a proper assesment to have it on paper, which then impacts on getting other help.
in this day and age everything needs to be proved, you cant get access or funding from one support unless you have prove that you have sed thing wrong with you.
and in Lincolnshire its impossible to get that.
I dont expect everything to be handed to me, i have worked so hard in the last year to try and keep my self to myself, i worked hard to push through my problems but to also help my community as well.
just sometimes you need that help, you need to be open about what is wrong, in order to sometimes get the help you have been looking for.
and sometimes you honestly just think what is the point trying, there are lots of times i have given up, spent days crying, and seeing no point to life, then i bounce back stronger then ever, but then it just keep going in a never ending dam loop !!!!

so i have explained about my life so how does this affect my media life.

Last year the thing i aimed to do was to work with businesses, creating videos, professional creative videos, from tours of their shops, to interviews etc

when i first started i had no internet so everything i had to learn about it, i had to use public WiFi, sometimes even costing money like a drink just to use it.
i would download youtube videos on the topics and then watch them over and over, to make the videos.
i loved making videos, but often it was tedious, it was stressful, a lot of times stuff would not work or it was not how i visioned it in my brain.

I had to deal with not only making the videos, but how i would get clients, my books, invoices, the lit goes on.
the more time i spent on the business the more it made me feel worse.
at this point i was also learning photography and found that i was enjoying this a lot more.
i use this to my advantage, spent less time on videos and more on photography, i managed to connect with people this way and even help my local community.

I tried to get back into videos this year, even covering gigs but again after looking at the results and time spent on photography to compared to videos, i fount that my photography was doing way better.

I also saw a trend that covering events video wise rather then doing a business video, had much better results and i could be more creative with the video without needing to learn complex editing skills.

The difference between editing for pleasure and editing for a event is so much different.
its all time based, which makes you have to work very hard to do only do a great job but to also have it ready within a day to get maximum coverage.

some events i covered i would be there for 6+ hours, then i would have to sit through and edit it, and it made for a very long day/ days, i was always happy with the result but at the same time it would make me a little unhappy because it put so much stress on me.

which made it worse when the days hit where i would do nothing all day, knowing i have such important thing to do and just having no get up and go.

So i have had to make a very important decision one that has upset me but one that has to be done,
Unless its a very important event, i have decided to stop making videos.
there are so many companies and video producers now in Lincolnshire, its getting harder to compete with them, mainly because they have a team, but not only that i just cant seem to get the ideas from my head into the projects.
I had this huge project i wanted to have on the go, making a video for the tennis club i go to.
the process was to get a cool intro welcoming to the club, get talks with a lot of the staff, coaches, get shots of all ages playing tennis, making those shots slow motion, adding lots of graphics and making it look awesome.
Again what you have in your head to what you can create is very challenging, a project i started i never finished because it just would not happen the way i wanted it to in the program ):

so i realized instead of wasting time trying to create something i cant, i need to focus on what i enjoy but also what people are liking.
I have to admit, the video industry it what i set out to be in, i never knew that looking photography and using it to help people could lead to things, and be better then my videos.
Not only that but combinding photography, and blogging about it was working as well (:
there are a lot of bloggers out there that do not see results, or never have connections with people other then online.
what i have managed to create is my love for photography and helping people, that then i have managed to network with, and bulid a community around me who then read, like and share.
my viewers are not random people from the net, who only know a bit about my life, my views are the people i talk to and see in real life !!!!
I may not have my business i wanted, but in life you make lots of decisions some bad some very bad, you make enemies and you make bloody good friends.
which then make really good times and memories.
this year has been the hardest and no doubt will only get harder but i am almost happy with my life as it is now, because i have awesome friends who understand me, and i have a awesome community of people that i look up to and want to help.

The problem i have had is i am a explorer and creator, i like to try lots of different things, mostly in the creative sector, what can i say my brain thinks to much, hence why this incredible long blog post !!!!!
But it is who i am, i have tried to understand who i am and to be honest i come up blank everytime,
all i know is my photography is what is helping people and my blogs, so that is what i shall keep doing (:

some people may call me lazy, some people may say i dont have issues, some people may say that i am stupid, my past may tell people to stay away from me.
all i can say is, as the saying goes dont judge a book by its cover,
unless your sat face to face talking to me to understand my life, you can not go by what other say, you can not look down on me, when you know nothing about me (:
I use to be a coward, letting people put me down all the time, afarid to speak my mind, but now i stand up, and i face it head on, life has taught me to try and be strong and that is what i have done.
I may not have a lot of things like most people do, but as long as i can play tennis, take photos and do what i love then i am happy,  i dont need wealth when i have a community !!!!!!

Thank you for reading, i know i moaned a lot about my life but i just wanted people to know that i may seem to be here there and everywhere doing a lot of things, looking happy, but a lot goes off in my life that i have to battle with, so i leave you with some advice.
try to understand that person before you decide weather you want to help or not speak to them.
if you know someone who is telling you to stay away from that person, do not listen, again instead, listen to them, get both sides and make your decision then.
most of all, do not let society tell you how to dress, how you should look, act etc you are you, if people do not like you then that is there issue, i find a lot of people try to be part of trends to fit in, they change who they are because they do not have friends, and want some.
the greatest fear is being alone but its through being alone, you learn to cope, that may seem stupid at first but its the truth, if you really get your head down and foucs on what you love doing, you will then find the right friends, you will then find people take instrest in what you do, and then you will have a great life (:

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