The Month that has shocked me the most in my life | Looking back at January 2018 !!! | Daniel Marshall Adventures

I made the Decision only a few weeks into January that i wanted to change the way i write what is on my mind.
Instead of just writing a long post about a topic when i felt like it, i came up with the idea of setting myself a goal each month to talk about how a month has gone.

This month has had a few ups and downs but its the best month across the years, and when i say its not really been that eventful to compared to other months in my life you will know why its been the best !!!! (:

Now although this post is about January i wanted to inc a magical experience at the end of December 2017

I had decided That although i loved Photography, it had been acting as a shield to defend my anxiety, a way i could go to events and be around a lot of people and cope a bit better.
However that only made me not feel safe or happy whenever i decided to go without the use of my camera, it made dealing with people even harder. So i decided to put photography to one side for the time being.
On the 30th December was an experience like living a dream, and when i look back i wish it never ended !!!

I went to see CJ Hatt a musician I have seen so many times now and can never get enough of listening to him live, he brings humor, a talkative and killer list of songs to perform to every gig he goes to.

The place was Castlegate In Grantham, and with it being a few days before the new year i expected the place to be really busy, instead it still had a lot of people but the right kind that made my night special.

I went without my bag, without my camera and just experienced his pure talent, being relaxed and having a blast.
Now when i say i kind of danced even though i can not at all !!! it pushed my safe zone so much but was glad that so many people understood and tried to just make me come out of my comfort zone.

CJ started to play a frozen song that he nailed which was requested by one of the viewers,
every song he played and sung was him playing at his best.
The mood of the place was amazing, everyone dancing and enjoying the end of 2017.
I was offered to dance so many times that in the end i was given no choice haha,
Although i was so anixous, shy and just well over thinking everything, it was a experience that i have always wanted, just to be able to be me, and join in with everyone.
I admit seeing everyone else always have fun no matter how much you try to look on the bright side always makes you feel a little sad.
Sad that you are not Joining in, and to not only feel more free dancing but to just let my hair down and sing along to the songs to.

I had never been surround by so many people that believed in the person i can be and just really opened my eyes on what i had been missing because i either took my camera or did not turn up because i knew i would not feel right (:

 
Fitness never stops even on the first day of 2018 !!! It had been so cold Throughout December but i never gave up going to the gym and playing tennis.
I do not know what came over me but i just felt like starting the year with my first outside run in many months.
So I put on My Myzone belt, Started from Grantham college, and worked out a route i wanted to take, and just kept it steady, making sure not to over do it since i was not used to running in the cold.
My idea was that i wanted to slowly get back into outdoor running to train myself to be able to run again at park runs.

I have used the belt while working out at the gym, and playing tennis but never when on a run, so i was shocked and happy to see my stats when i got back, to see that my peak heart rate was high when i was not even pushing at my best (:

Sadly i had a feel down days after that due to coming down with a bad illness and it being 2 years since i split up with my ex, I mentioned her a fair bit in my blogs so i wont say anymore (:

Despite that small set back, i powered through my illness still being me, still enjoying life and being happy with tennis and gym.

In Fact The start of 2018 has been very cold, but i have also surprised myself as normally i can not take the cold, i also bury myself in bed and get bad headaches from the cold.

So as well as being able to power the cold, i was breaking my own fitness records at the gym classes.
I was able to put even more effort in, still be me, still have fun and be very competitive.
I was proud of myself because i maintained a high average effort, a high average heart rate and even though i was coughing and felt like collapsing i pushed myself to get a high heart rate as well (:

I think the key to my fitness and success is that i do try for someone, i do not try to impress people, I just bring me to everything i do, my personality, and of course i would not have the same push and be happy without the people i have surrounded myself with.
When i am in the classes, yes i am battling to win the class but i am surrounded by awesome music, awesome motivation by the staff, and the awesome people in the classes !!!!

Its the same at tennis and that is why this whole month has been some of my best tennis matches, some of best playing, and why tennis this month has been the most fun.
As soon as i stopped worrying so much with what i could not do and what things i really kept trying to do over and over, getting really stressed and failing, I became more happy.

In a way i take Physical Strength very serious, its helped me no end to not only get stronger, which has helped me played amazing shots and run for balls i never thought i would get, to helping my mind with my mental health.

In a way its not me being Negative i guess but the gym and Tennis is all i have in my life.
Yes i have photography but that is something i have had to have a long think over.

I can not Believe i am writing this but expect for taking pics of my muscles and myself, I have not taken any Photography in over a month.
I have not even gone for any walks like i normally used to do 1-2 times a week.
I simply just focused on the love of tennis, and getting stronger at the gym, filling my life, with the people in my life and just living in the moment rather then having to capture it.

I love photography, and i love seeing what people capture, but it no longer takes over my life as must as it used to.
Its good sometimes to have a break from something as you get to gather information and then almost start from the beginning looking what works and what does not.

For example, I knew from day one from experience Prior Before buying the same Camera i have used in the past that its not good in low light and not got a great zoom, in the best mode to capture photography which is the Raw Format.
I know from looking back at my work that night photography is not capable with my camera, and that indoor photography with low lighting again will not take great pictures.

So I use this Information to form a plan on what i should work on, Which is mostly Outdoor events as my skill is taking pictures of people.
I know my Camera can be great in black and white for photography of live music with poor lighting, or lighting that has a lot of different colours going off.
If i shoot in anything other then Raw yes i may get the very slim chance of a unique shot, and yes i can zoom further but when it comes to Editing where my other skill comes into play, i dont have near enough tools at my disposal.

So my camera may have a lot of flaws but it also has a very Uniqueness when it comes to Using Photoshop to edit them !!!

Then there is my Video Production side, I gave up the idea ages a go of even trying to spend so many hours, of learning trying to turn my videos into Professional content.

I do not have the top of the range computers, so if i am doing a big project, it will often crash, go slow and then there is having to use public WiFi of the cost of a drink in order to upload the Video.
I have a portable wifi Device due to Living in Temp Housing and arent allowed to have The likes of Virgin etc Installed even though it would save trips and money  to places with decent wifi.

If i was being paid for my work it would not be so bad but i do this with my own time and money.
Why???? Well its simple my video quality will never be that high enough for money to be made.
I wouldnt want it any other way, Its to stressful i have been there and done that.
For me I may only make say 5 videos a year but i do them to help the local community that in it self its my reward, I admit sometimes it gets stressful as i want to do a good job but overall i enjoy seeing the finished product and seeing the comments and shares.

Again its Balancing your life, Trying to compete with other local video Production companies but to much stress to the point i lose interest in the whole Production side.
To some my life may not be much but i have had to get up everyday and force myself just to be where i am now.
If my physical health was took away from me and my photography, i would be where i was 2 years a go, in pieces, getting stressed, upset for hours everyday, and simply not wanting to live.

I may post a lot on my Facebook how happy a session has gone and how my physical health has improved so much, again its all i have and i strive to always push my limits, to better, achieve at what i know i can do.

Only the other day I sat and laughed and thought in a way i have always been really good at things that have a competitive and adrenaline edge to them.

I haven't done Gaming in over 2 years but when i was gaming i used to do it 4+ hours a day,
The games i was really good at was racing, i spent so much of my life clued to it.
Going online on my fav game Driveclub, and Competing in Timed events, doing lap after lap trying to get into the top 100 haha.

When i finished school, i picked up golf very quickly and was good at it, I used to do Badminton and was extremely good at it, see the pattern yet haha.

If i am given a target, i excel and i think that is why i win classes at the gym and why I am able to be so happy, because i am getting that Pure craved Adrenaline rush.
When i am in that nothing else matters, no bills no having to worry about my future etc just me having the time of my life.

I came away from having a lot of things in my life, to barley having anything it took time but because the one thing which was gaming that used to take so much of time up had gone i was forced to find something else i could pour my heart into.

Yes i do miss gaming, but i would rather be outside using that same drive into tennis, i would rather get stronger then be a couch patio (:

Just because i seem to be happy a lot does not always mean i am, i have started to try and post less negative things on social media mainly because my life as a whole is much better then it used to be.

By doing that though just make you think that i am happy all the time, and this month i have had a few small wobbles Depression and aniexty are still there and will always be there.

I think one of the most common used words that is used to motivate someone but sometimes no many how many times its said and by how many people does not mean it works for everyone.
That word being come out of your comfort zone !!!!

For me, i have this battle most days and most of the time its autally in my happy places.
So for example the classes, i have mentioned this before in a blog which is the watt bike classes.
Yes i am in a room with people, but the bikes are facing at a screen and so are you, watching every second as your percent goes up and down making sure your in the right zone.
You have not got time to worry about others in the room because of that rush you are getting.

Many times i have been asked to join in classes like boxing, circuits and others but i do fear i will never have the courage to do them.

This is because of 2 big reasons, one is the fact is often takes someone showing me over and over in order to do something because of my Dysprixa, this will then take a lot of time from others in the class as well as feeling stupid in front of others because i can not the simple workouts.

I still have to have my friend at the gym, helped with getting my arms and body in the right postitions for some workouts, and even after being shown, i get so frustrated, i do not show it but at times i just feel like punching the wall or going home as i know how to do the silly workout but my body wont listen.
This is some kind of good that comes from that as i use that anger to channel my strength in order to lift and do higher weights then i would think possible, again its that aderlaine  rush.

Combine looking like a idiot with not being comfty around people does not make a good mix.
Then it becomes annoying because it looks like i am always avoiding people or there seems something quite not right with me.

That is why I celebrate a lot when i do achieve something that others may do quicker or a lot better as it took me a while to get there and of course i am then happy i have done said thing.

From learning about myself is again that pure drive, Ok by the end of playing tennis or the gym class i am shattered beyond belief, its not because i have no stamina, its because i put everything into it.
at tennis even if the shortest shot has been played, i will run like there is no tomorrow and pull of some out of this world shots.
I could be losing in a match, my opponent making me run for every ball, sweating, aching but i will not give up and again am able to pull off shots out of no where, feet hurting about to give in and still have that drive to keep pushing.

At the gym is the same for the classes last few mins of the class, feet hurting, I know if i back off i end up losing to someone else after doing so well, so i push through that pain barrier in order to find an extra charged battery and go even faster then i had throughout the session.
I may end up most of the time hurting myself but that is me i am a fighter and the only way to break records is to always push your limits.

That is why a wonderful person last year posted this at the park run !!!
it was i think only my 3rd parkrun it got to last bend and in all honestly i was in massive pain.
I had already stopped for a few seconds 3-4 times across the event, but i saw someone i knew that i wanted to finish in front of them, and is was like Turbo just kicked in, from out of no where i rushed past so many people to the finish line, like that was i was done out of it, one turn back and yet I managed to kick it into overdrive !!!

It really is amazing how far you can push your body, Most of the fight is always in your brain its your brain that tells you, you are in pain, and ok sometimes is best not to push but if you always listened to your brain you would never get anywhere !!!!

Doing anything physical does not fix your issues but it does make you more happier it does make you have a better outlook in life.

Is has been hard to try and do new things in my life but i have so many barriers stopping me,
I have never been a social person, even though that is what i crave so much,

Even though i have friends and even though i know a lot of people at the gym and tennis, i am so caught up having fun doing what i am doing that being social kind of goes out of the window.

I do not seem to have that capable switch in order for myself to force my social side out, no matter how much i try, the most i seem to be able to do is say hello, how are you, or if a talking point is made after that i go quiet, and then act awkward.

I still keep trying, for me even if i am not talking much just being around people and listening to what they have to say makes me happy at least it keeps my brain from thinking bad things.

That it why i was so happy months a go to find the Magic Cottage In Grantham, to be able to go there laid back social meets once a month, and just be around amazing people.
I was so happy for the owner to say at the last social only last week that they were expanding after only a year of opening as a business (:

For me its good to not only be able to help a business with my photography but be a part of the growing of the businesses.
Networking is a power tool, and it has helped me a little with being social.
My happiness comes from seeing others happy, from seeing businesses grow and that then turns into inspiration to try/ improve my own skills.

Its odd because when i look back at the start of 2017 It may have had a lot more things going off then the start of this year, due to starting new things, and coming out of my shell more.
However the start of this year has been my most happiest and less busy month.
I think what has surprised me the most has been my will power through the cold, to be able to play tennis at 2 degrees and play my best game after game, to compared to last year where the cold just was making me ill.

I did have a small scare a week back when i started to get what i thought and others thought other then the doctors a migraine.
I suffer when its cold anyway and always get headaches, but last week the pain was in one place at the top of my head, i could feel my heart beating through it and every time it pounded it hurt so much that i was in total pain.
It got that bad that i do not normally give up on things it takes a lot but coming back from playing tennis it felt like i was about to pass out, i got home, crawled into bed and went to sleep.
Only after a hour of trying to sleep did it stop and with help from taking tablets i had over from recovering from my illness i had weeks before.

The next day it hurt really bad again so i went to the doctors and said it was not a migraine but just could be sinuses from my illness just gone.
for about 5 days now its not bothered me so i am hoping he was right and it does not come back as i never had headaches that bad in my life.

So overall this month may not have been anything special but at least my depression has not been bad.

Its taken time to get the right sort of people in my life, who listen, who understand and can see potential in me.

No matter where you live even in a great place like Grantham you will always get those who judge you on your past, how you look etc.

I will not mention names but i have had to deal with a few people this month who did look down on me because of my looks, who did look down on me because of my past, and people who tell people to stay away from me.

Its sad really that these people have the time to waste their own lives, they get off on hurting people and trying to make that person not have friends, when in reality they are just wasting their time.
Maybe at the start of 2016 it would have hurt me but now i have great friends, and yes i might want to expand on the people i have in my life and meet new people.
For now though i am happy with who i have in my life, i would rather have a small group of people then have idiots who just want to bring you down (:

So to bring this blog to a end, on the 3th February I get to go to London again as i did last march to march with lots of people to save our NHS !!!!

Its going to be a very long day and a long week, as we will be leaving just after 7 which means i need to be up just before 6am, we wont be back in Grantham, till around 7pm.
I then need to quickly sort through my photography and get at least a few good pictures up from the day to get them out there.
I then throughout the week need to spend time editing the rest which i expect over 100.
If that was not enough, i need to sit through tons of video footage and put Together a video of the day and then once that is all done, do social media marketing, and put a blog post up about the event !!!!
phew ....

Its hard work but its what i love and even if it helps one person i am happy (:
So there you go that has been my month, i do not know what February will bring, but i hope the weather gets warmer and i hope for good things (:
Thanks for Reading





 

Looking back at 2017 !!! Mental and Physical Health | DanielMarshallAdventures

2016 was a very hard year, but 2017 has really changed my life, it has shocked me so i wanted to go through the bad and good points over the last 2 years.

Now I think i have gone into a lot of what happened in 2016 so i will try to briefly explain.

After suffering with depression and anxiety while being with someone for 5 years, things started to fall apart, and in the end due some major faults of my own we broke up a few days into 2016.

At that point i was homeless, i had no friends and i did not want to be around my family.
I tried to kill myself, for 6 months i barley ate, hardly leaving my room, and everyday crying, tearing myself apart.

I could not stop contacting my ex because she was everything, as i did not have a good childhood or a great life overall until i met her.
I was also bullied at school for being the quite one, and no matter how much i tried to fit in i was always picked on and looked down upon.

so for me because i had never made friends, and spent my time making sure she was happy, i just felt like i had nothing to live for.

I had never got help for my issues, and no one suggested about it either until the break up.
I ended up getting a 12 month harassment thing where i could not contact her, etc and i decided then that clearly i was never going to see or speak to her again even as friend so to now focus on turning my life around.

Throughout 2016 i tried to make friends from Grantham online, as my social skills have never been great, and to some it may seem like freckish messaging people on facebook around the local area i dont know.
To me i am confident online, and to me because i struggle so much with people skills in the real world, i would much rather get to know people online for a while first before meeting to be friends.

We somehow still live in a world that people look down upon you for that, and social media has grown so much that i do not see what the issue is now days.

It was not until i started trying to cover events with my photography and videos that i started to find where i belong within the local community.
by the end of 2016 I had managed to find myself a training partner at the gym, as i was really struggling to use the equipment and push myself to go.
what i often get return is people who do not know me being so nasty
Tbh i blame technology, we live more and more in a very anti social and nasty world where everyone inc females will look down at someone they dont even know because of how they look, when trying to get to know someone people will make the stupid viral word of your not my type which is just a lazy way to hold back a nasty comment they want to make on your looks.
like how is someone not your type when all you wanna do is be friends with that person?
It just mades me really angry that these people have nothing better to do in their lives then to look down on others.These people are normally so up their ass that they think they have the perfect friends and the perfect life.
For me i do not judge, on looks, age etc, because a lot of people have forgotten that personality is key.
You could be at society puts it hot as fuck, but you could be a total bitch inside, one that talks behind peoples back, laugh and put others down, just to make their own lives less boring (:

With having my own experiences of hanging out with people at school just to have friends, when in reality all they ever did was take the piss out of me.
at the time i thought having nasty friends was better then having no one but i soon realized that i would rather suffer alone then hang out with those who would only make my depression worse.

So when i started making my first friend i did not know what to expect, he soon became my best friend, as i made more friends online and through tennis and covering events my confidence started to Bulid.

Over the course of 2017 my physical health has only kept growing, and i have been able to achieve so much because of it.
When i was at the gym though i often did struggle with my grip still as well as knowing how to do said workout but after being shown needing help straight away, as i understood what to do but my body would not do the same.
so one of the workouts is using cables, so you arch your back out and pull the cable from your lower chest back up and i could never keep my arms in the right place.
with the deadlifts i kept moving my whole body instead of just standing up.
The annoying thing was i did not know i was doing it when lifting.
I would be told again and again from my friend but most of the time my body never listened.
so overall to people it looks like i am dumb when i am not its just my body is not on the same wave length as my body.
so for me i have to try twice as hard over doing it just to try and keep calm to do the workouts but also push to compete with what they were lifting in terms of weight.
I manage somehow to turn my upset and anger into raw strength, and its amazing how much push i have that only keeps surprising me more and more.

After a few months of using gym gloves for my grip, i eventually stopped using them, which things like the lat pull down and the max rack was still digging into my hands but now i could tolerate the pain a lot more.

Although throughout this year i have been able to get stronger, and more confident around the gym in terms of using the equipment by myself and even trying equipment i was scared to by myself, my confidence around others is still something i need to work on.
I have managed to take part in one class that has changed my stamina and speed, and had be fun and a lot of competition but i have avoided classes like circuits, boxing, dancing and other due to the fact i also need help as i get confused a lot.

On top of that i have this annoying thing about me that i am not confident around females, which in a way out of my own fault its stopped me from being able to explore and train with others in the fun classes.

so instead i just learned to focus on the one class i was good at, and kept aiming to get better and better.
In October it was a double challenge for me as the gym had prizes going for that month so i pushed extra hard but also mixing the watt bike class up with target based sessions.

In the last 3 months i have bonded with people in that class, because of how much everyone pushes themselves to achieve.

Just as i start to win classes and break my own records i have to push even harder as others have pushed just as hard to match me, we all have fun and laughs and its an awesome feeling to be in for that 30 minutes of the class.

In Fact only a week a go to me was the best class ever !!!
I not only got a much higher percentage overall in the class, but beaten records of overall heart rate and peak heart rate for a morning class (:
What amazed me more was a guy that came out of nowhere to match me all the way through that class and ended up beating me toward the end, its a crazy feeling, having the music pumping, seeing how well your doing in front of you, your legs hurting, but out of no where you keep pushing more and more because you want that win !!!!

Its that pure adrenaline rush i have craved more then ever this year, 90 percent of the time, if i running to play shots at tennis, or pedaling fast on the watt bikes, i am happy, i have more engry then i could dream off, my depression gone, i am not worrying or thinking about anything other then pushing my limits more and more.

around 4 months a go i managed to push my heart rate to 195 and it did scare me as for a short while after i did feel dizzy and took me a while to calm down but after something to eat and rest despite reaching my limit, i felt alive and could go again (:

So for me 195 is not good enough in 2018 i wanted to reach at least 200 i know i can do it given the right music and the right situation and as long as i have something with sugar or a bite to eat straight after i will be fine.

Overall i feel the last 4 months something has snapped inside of me, and put me on a even better track in life, it has had it challenges though.

I went through very bad points during those months but without that would not lead me to my new thinking in life and i still do think everything happends for a reason.
The first thing to change was admitting to myself i longer have passion for making videos and to stop trying to keep doing it and then getting stressed over the whole process.
I decided at that point my life needed a new direction, which was to try and go back into Education and study within the health sector.
After a back and forth week of going to the job centre and back to the college, i was told i could not get funding for any level 2, but could for level 3 but cant study level 3 without going on level 2 !!!

I went for the Interview for the course anyway while waiting to hear from the jobcentre over funding.
the course required you to do a screening test aimed at dyslexia.
I got really stressed while taking it and the results showed that i do suffer with it but with it being a screening test it was not a official assessment.
After getting advice from the college i was told it was best to take my GCSES again,
this way it would help re train my brain but also help with getting used to being around others.
i was told however that i would not be able to get any help over my learning diffulty until i was studying a course at the college.
so i started stepping up my already pestering and researching over getting help for my learning diffuclites.

I asked on local facebook groups for any advice, and then i went off contacting lots of different compaines.
most of them either said they was no help, no funding, or to have words with the doctor
The doctors so far in Grantham, either tell you to get over it or do not understand no matter how much you explain things.

I got in touch with a company in Grantham who deal with dyprxia but the problem was they charge 14 pounds per hour, and when i spoke to them, they said i would be looking at a couple of hours a week for at least 1-2 months to chat about the process of getting help etc.
which would be at least 100 pounds a month, and with being on jobseekers i couldnt afford that.
Lots of people have said to me you need to go on ESA again tried that with the useless doctors who take one look at me and go your 26 you look in good shape, if i give you a sick note you would only keep coming back to get one ??? like yeah thats what ESA is you need a sick note to start the application in the first place, and then you need to keep going back in order to keep sending it off so you can get your payments.
i think ive had at least 10 people plus my support worker who say that i need to be on ESA but because the idiot doctors dont understand, then i have just had to stay on job seekers.

A few weeks a go i got in touch with a wonderful company in Lincoln, who understood me very well, and gave me help on the best way to ask for help at the doctors.
This person mentioned that at boston Hospital they look into Learning Difficulties but i would need to be referred by a doctor for it.
So weeks later i was seen by a doctor with my support worker.
I explained everything, inc about the referral, he just shook his head, ingored what i said and moved on in the talk like how rude !!!!

How rude that after 5 times explaining what my issues were and how it affects my day to day life, did it take my support worker to step in as well in order to get a NHS form Printed off, which basically asks you what your issues are and why you need help, which then gets sent back to the doctor and sent away for someone else to look out.

On top of that, on my medical records it was shown that dyslexic was already on there from 2008, 10 years a go !!!
and yet over the last 2 years of seeing over 10 different doctors, not once when mentioning about getting help with it did anyone ever mention my medical records which they would need to look at everytime i asked for help !!!
The Fact as well that it took that many doctors and that many tries to get a NHS form as well is a joke.

 See everything is connected, i cant get a proper place to live as i am not high enough on the Counil,
i cant get higher because i do have issues with my mental health and learning, but have not been on paper to help the application move along.

I cant get help for my issues, so my issues gets worse, which impacts my mental and physical health.
and so on.

So in my mind everything i Achieve is always a test for me and has been Extremely hard to push through everything in order to be happy.
Someone once told me, if your capable of playing sport, in good physical health, and do photography, then why are you not working???

For me everyday is a challenge, with my mental health and with how i am able to get things done.
so i already mentioned about my body doing different to my hands because of that, i have last every job i have had in the past.
My depression also having a big impact on working as, its very hard to control, most of the time it just switches on and off, without a cause, when that happens and i am in a crowed place my aniexty then kicks in to make things even worse.

There are days where i feel good and somedays were my bed is the only place i can be all day.
It was not until the end of 2016 that i was told that Physical health helps a lot with these issues.
So I took Charge and quickly learned that being at the gym and at tennis made me super happy.
That right there is the only answer, when i am in that space, most of the time i dont worry, my issues are gone and i feel good about myself, i do often still struggle with social interaction and being around people but when i am there its more under control to compared to working, as its something i am happy about and enjoying, hence the reason why i wanted to start my own business up.

Its taken a year of hard battles, of even having days and weeks where even sport has made me upset and feel worse, to make my physical health much better which had not fixed my mental health but made it so much better.

Its one of the things why going back into education is key for me as its taking one step out of my comfort zone, getting used to be around others again and hoping that after my GCSES i can either finally get somewhere with studying within the health sector or have the confidence to work again.
as i may be able to capture photography for events but i am not a confident person around people overall.
Now is partly one of the reasons i decided to take a break from photography, even my Private Counselor argeed, she said i would regret it if i stopped it all together, as its where my creative mind comes from, its my passion and its done wonders with connecting with the local community.
However i often used the camera as an excuse to hide the real me, i used the camera as my confidence, and it got so bad that i really did not enjoy going to things without it.
It did me good but it also was a major issue is enforcing the issue rather then learning to deal with being in a crowed place without it.
i was told that maybe for a short while just go out and take photography of what you like taking, rather then saying right today there is an event ill go and take photos of that.

all my friends and the local community have said the same thing which is just keep being me, keep enjoying what i do as it clearly has been helping.

Technology For me is a blessing and a curse, its a blessing as i am able to help the community, i am able to relax when not working on photos etc, and just watch my fav tv shows, movies and Youtube Videos.
Its a curse as because i have for to long made myself get cosy in the bed, it stops me from leaving as when i feel down, being in bed does not cure but helps make me feel better rather then trying to push through it and be social.

Its been a curse because i have not gone to things that i would enjoy because i havent been in the mood to bring my camera with me and in the last month of not really using it, i have been much happier (:
in the last month i have been more social, i listen more to people, i have slightly changed the way i have been eating, and i have more drive to succeed in life then i have done.
In a way i feel that i am very knowledgeable and easy to talk to because of my life experiences.

I loved being with my partner and yes i do miss her and yes i wish we could be friends,
but at the end of the day, through that experience ending, i am slowly finding the real me.
I have made friends, i have a great community of people that have started to understand me
and slowly i am getting used to being independent.
Its hard, sometimes it does feel lonely, and i know when i was with my partner i did relay on her a lot to do things i could not do, its taken 2 years to adjust myself to my new situation and i love it.

I am close to my flat mates which its the first time being in a shared house i have managed to let my guard down and be myself around others.
In a way they are more people in terms of friends, because we get on so well.
I enjoyed the 5 years i was with my partner and i would not want to change it expect just being able to have friends and learn to be an independent person back then.
and to me my life is only just starting i may be 26 but i feel like a kid again because i am now getting life experiences that i should have had around 19-20.

Overall this year has shown me that although i was not an amazing person with my partner and i had a lot of faults i have battled, to get help over it, i have took the time to learn about my faults and to either fix them or find a way around them.
and for 2018 i hope that i can finally get the help i have been looking for and that my new direction in life will be one with a good meaning, good laughs and great times.

Thank you For Reading and i hope your 2018 brings you some magical (:

How to Adult ,My Inside life | DanielMarshallAdventures

This blog post is going to be a combined post, mentioning bits that i have said in a few others posts, the reason for this is to go even deeper into things and also mention more things i am learning how to cope as adult and with my issues in life (:
i would like to say like i do with most posts, i have learned to be fully open, to live life for me, and be happy the best i can, I get rid of the people that want to ruin my life or dont care and fill in with love, caring and the best friends and community in the world, and i will keep trying to expand my friends, keep trying to improve in life and always keep being who i am !!!

I mentioned a few weeks back that seeing a private counselor has been helping, as they dont stick to stupid score sheets or guidelines, The person is there to listen, to understand, to dig deep into the issues you face in life and your past, and to help you become better at controlling these feelings.

The reason i am even writing this post is because of how deep the talks have been, and that i feel its best to reflect that for others to see, understand and might even help someone who is going through similar issues (:

When you grow up, you start to learn things about yourself, as you grow up, your supposed to learn the right from the wrong, that is what parents are there for, to help you grow as a person, to help you overcome challenges, to help you learn for later life in becoming an adult ??
I dont have overall figure so this is a guess amount but i would say over 50 percent of humans in the world, have not grown up with a loving family, its either one parent or the other who have been supported of their child/ children.
Not matter how small or big events have been in that child,s life those things will always be buried deep within our brain, just waiting for when we feel low or have a bad day to remind us of those horrid times and sometimes it can sit with for hours and sometimes even days before we snap out of that place and back to reality.

The past week i have had to go back to those dark places to understand about my life, which has meant being stuff up that has scared me, that has hurt me, but without bringing them up, and learning to overcome them, then the demons will only ever get stronger !!!

When i reflect on the past, it really shows that your actions and who you are come from your parents.
Often when you feel alone, stressed and other emotions, the Dna from our parents comes into play without us even realizing it, until that moment when its to late, we have either said or done something our parents did which has been bad, and the only way to make sure it does not happen again, is to think and understand why they acted that way and put solutions in place in our minds so that we do not act like them.

For myself i am 26, but there is a kid the age of around 10 still inside me, what do you mean by that?
This is something the counselor brought up and i do think its very true.
From the age i was born, until i was 18, i had one parent who tried to be there as much as she could, to try and teach me things.
on the other hand i had my dad who was not only physically abuse but mentally abuse to my mum, who whenever i could not do something straight away, like ride a bike, or even things i could not do like tie laces, instead of having the patience to teach me or even let my mum do that, it was often replaced with, my dad shouting at my mum saying at his age he should be able to do this and that.
The thoughts of learning became into my own personal frustration at myself for not being able to do the simplest thing that most people could do, which would often lead me to put myself down, and had a overall knock on my confidence.

The times of being able to relax after a hard day of school, would often be replaced by sitting on the top of the stairs listening to my dad shouting at my mum, and having to sit and listen because i knew what my dad was like with turning that into physical and needed to be there to help mum away from it.

On top of all that, some people from school, knew what was going on, with those people living on the same street as us, these people would often bully me and then others would bully me because of my issues of not being able to do normal everyday life skills that even at that age, a lot of kids knew.

Everyday i felt i was on edge, scared, lonely, no friends, and often having to play sports on my own just to get out of the house.

So the times where i was supposed to learn about life, it was not there, until me and my mum finally moved away from my dad, and i started college life, learning about having to pay for board, having my own money from college, to spend or save on what i wanted.
So for me the life skills i should have learnt up till then i had only started when i was around 17-18, so overall my age level is around a 10 year old, to the point that due to events from moving away from my dad, life went to fast forward state, and again instead of having that learning experience i was thrown into the deep end.

My mum had the trouble of having bill after bill stacked due to most of the things we owned being brought through a catalog, or the stupid buy now pay nothing till 2 years time etc which was in my mums name, but was being paid through most of the income earned from my dads so called disabllites, which contain of him going mental a lot, him moaning saying the doctors keep giving my tablets, and moaning at my mum even shouting and crying saying they think i am mental, why wont they do anything. he went to hospital to get checked, nothing wrong with him, he put himself into hospital, to many times, not because he had hurt himself, no, just because he thought he was dying
the so called act, he used most of my childhood and i bet uses to this day.
while he claimed this for supposed to be having disabllites, i feel that i wouldnt say i have some but i do have learning difficulties, such as dysprxia, and dylexia

Anyway getting back to the point, my mum was in money problems, and i was trying to help the best i could but i also had to think about my future,
a few months into living my mum, things seemed ok, and i even starting seeing a girlfriend for a few months.
we did not work out and i just started to focus on college.
A few months later i started talking to someone online, we got on well, and after a few months of talking decided to meet.
This started to develop more and more, but the more i saw her, the more my mum did not like it and her whole attitude changed towards me, shouting at me all the time, the anger built up from my dad made me often shout back and stand up for myself, i suppose i was in a rebellious stage in my life.
At the time i had no idea i was turning into my dad, because i had put those bad feelings to the back of my mind, and also with being adult and having adult responsibilitys, i was not thinking what i was saying, i just wanted to think about my future and that future was being with this person i really liked.
Its bad when your parents do not notice how bad your grammer is when you speak or even words that you can not say, like basketball and biscuit without it sounding funny.
That the person that notices your issues is the person who hardly knows you, but loves you and wants to help.
I did not have the issues where if i could not do something i would be shouted for, instead i had that support, and overtime without being stressed, my speech became better, again something i should have already knew how to do but it was my brain acting at a much younger age due to the dramatic events in my life.

Then became a very challenging and stressful few months, as i was kicked out the house for such stupid reasons, so the girlfriend who i was with asked her parents if i could stay around for a few days until i got things sorted.
I had to make trips back and forth from Nottingham to Grantham, as because i had not registered with Grantham council for at least 3 months and had a connection from Nottingham, i was told they could not help that i must get somewhere in nottingham.
after a lot of stress not only for myself but in our Relationship, I finally got a shared house In Nottingham.
over the course of a year, i was living life still on the edge, where i had landlords that did not care about the state of the place, and were scamming clients, other tenants shouting, banging, playing loud music, stealing, as well as hardly eating at i did not know how to budget, what food to buy, i had no form of entertainment, as i had no tv and no wifi.
each week i wished would fly by just so i could see my girlfriend at the weekend.
I had never learned to cope as adult until i was shoved into the deep end, and the whole experience made me very depressed, i had no friends to talk to, so just being able to talk to my girlfriend for a few a day leading up till meeting her again got me by.

The whole thing was a bonding experience though and after that year we both decided it was best to move to Grantham after applying for a application to be put through that council.

Things started  to get better in my life, and after a few months in a shared house in Grantham decided it was time to move in with each other with our own place.
Her parents helped a lot, with buying is what we needed for the place, but the problem of other bad tenants followed us.
it was a house built with 3 flats, with us being in the middle one.
upstairs played music loud all day and even through the night, downstairs kept setting off the fire alarm, slamming the door, and shouting.
my girlfriend was 2 years younger then me, she started studying at college, and often could not get enough sleep or study because of what was going off.
on top of this we started arguing a lot and being very distant with each other because i was not used to being the same room as someone, i was not used to spending time with someone, because i shut myself in my room playing video games most of my life up until the point we got with each other.
so instead of trying new things, and spending time with each other, i used to shut myself away from her a lot of the time.
This was also a time where, we was also learning about bills , rent, managing money, etc
learning to give and take on things we wanted as a couple.
Back then i was very unfit, i was very weak, and because we lived in a place where most of it was paid for, takeaways and treats started to creep in.
My girlfriend was helping out with her family business as well as studying, so it was time for me to look for work.
My first job i had, i was let go after 2 weeks, as it was working in a kitchen, with training being given on the job, instead of training being given prior to the job.
I had always suffered with asthma, and at the time i got the job, i had one of the worst colds i had in my life, working in the kitchen nearly made me faint, i felt so ill, i kept coughing, and i was struggling to remember things as i was told so many different things at once.
Her parents that were so supported and helped us so much, then started on me as if i was there own son, shouting at me and my girlfriend, that is was my fault i lost the job, this and that, which caused a massive arugement with my girlfriend, as she was not very supportive at the time either, and after i put my foot down and explained things, she finally defended me to her parents.

So it was time to look for another job, since moving in with each other, i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life, i had studied music at college before we got with each other, but that was only something i wanted to do as a hobby.
It was just the case off finding work to earn a income, so a few months later i got a job as a cleaner.
Most of the cleaning duties i copied with but the store was massive and had a lot of flooring that needed buffering, with me being very weak and grew up with a very poor grip on things and in strength, this then became very challenging.
I was given a warning for not being able to do it right at work, and they ended up giving the task to another member of staff.
I was with the company for about 3 months, in that time, i worked with a very nasty woman who decided to make stuff up saying i was not hovering the carpets, and that i had miss spots when i had not and even showed the staff working there.
However because she was acting miss goodie two shoes and chatted away a lot to the staff, people took her side, which led to me getting the sack.

Which you can imagine how that went down with my girlfriends parents this time !!!
It was always like i had to proof myself to them, and that they would treat me like their son, showing me a good time, taking us on trips but the moment i did something wrong that was not my fault, all hell came down on me, like seriously your not parents pee off.

After all the noise that went off in our flat, we could not take anymore and looked for a better place.
This was the next step into being with each other, we managed to get a lovely 2 bedroom flat, which did cost us a bit more money but worth it to have peace and quiet, and have more space.

The quiet though did feel like it was driving me nuts, and i did start to feel more depressed, i often fount myself having the house to myself 4 times a week, for about 6 hours to myself, feeling lonely bored, and just wishing she was back from work to spend time with her.
a lot of our time together i would say now looking back i did depend on her a lot and did want to spend a lot of time with her, to me because i did not have that love from my parents and having no friends, she was everything to me.
so of course over time, we had more arguments,over  such silly things, she got annoyed because i could not do things like help with cooking, even though she seemed to never have time to show me and help me.
i also struggled with putting bedding on, and often she would ask for help, show me and then i get it wrong, and then get moody because i was making more of a mess, like you clearly see after trying to show me that i cant do it even with showing me over and over, so its harsh but do not ask me to help you if your going to have a mardy about it.
also for me whenever we had arugement it would often take me much longer to calm down, get over it and go back to normality.
I think because of the way my dad was, without knowing it his attitude rubbed off on me, which of course i tried to fight so much not to be like my dad, but he is a part of me, and weather i knew it or not, in a way i was acting like he was.

Things also became very up and down with her parents, over going on holidays and hearing them have a go at each other, going on day trips hearing the same, there were a lot of good days and some bad days.
it just got so hard to have a life just us 2 when the more jobs i tried to keep for some reason i kept losing them, which only made her parents more and more mad at me, like i am trying you know.

I honestly think that life has a knock on effect that the more your trying to impress someone, and they have a go at you, other then having a go at them, and getting more and more stressed at myself for not being able to do simple things, then the only other place to release that anger and upset is the person your with ):

to most people even if they are together family is very important to that person, and i think it makes it hard to stay in love with that person, when your not only fighting one battle but 2, i think always trying to impress them, because they think your a slacker, and never really got on with you, that it makes it so much harder to think, is being with this person really worth it?
at the time my answer was yes, but now i look back, maybe more talks was needed, or to end it sooner without all the bad things that lead up to the break up and even after which you will know about a little later on.

You might be thinking if things were really that bad, why did you not seek help for yourself or even a as a couple, i think we both thought that nothing was really wrong with us, and that we did not need it.

it also became hard to not seem like a control freak, when we was already eating lots of takeaways buying things and going for day trips but since she never wanted to do budgeting i had to, which meant sometimes also caused arugements because i had to set limits to spending on days out.
it became really strange that, from not being able to control my own money, when in nottingham, to know making sure we had enough money left over each month.

6 months before we broke up, i had lost my longest job i had as a cleaner, over many reasons,
I decided there and then, that i clearly was not cut out for work, but also it was to stressful, trying to make sure i kept a job otherwise i would be shamed for being lazy, and not caring about supporting my girlfriend, if i did not have that stress and worry behind me maybe things would of been better for everyone !!!

it just amazes me that her parents, and my girlfriend never really mentioned about trying to get help for learning diffultites or something as clearly i did have some, but again i didnt say anything either because i was worried how her parents would take it and also, the thought never really crossed my mind.
on top of everything in life, i had my dad trying to reconnect with me, which i tried to see how things went, and all he ever cared about was giving us money, not spending time with us, and just being around him still put me on edge, he had not changed and that was shown in his actions.
If though i am being fully open, there are still things i wish not to disclose on the net, or even think about to write, lets just say i have not had contacted with both parents in over a year now (:

It often became frustrating for me as i wanted to help with cooking, with supporting her but i just got more and more stressed not being able to.

Then came  the most stupidest thing i had ever done, which i do regret to this day, but everything happends for a reason, and maybe this next action needed to happen in order for a fresh start.
One day while she was at work, i went onto the computer we shared, and often left our Facebooks open due to having that much respect for each other.
I dont know why but i decided to go through her inbox and it was a good job i did, as she was not only talking to a guy about us but soon would be her new boyfriend.
I had filpped out that she could not talk to me about her problems or even say to me she was talking to someone about it, which i would of been fine with but to find out that way, it made me anger and very unaware of my next actions.

she had text me  while she was at work saying she left her keys in the house so when she was near home could i let her in.
so for about a hour i pondered what to do, full or rage, took her keys left the house and texted her saying that i wanted to meet in a public place to sort things out as i was sick of us aruging in the house and other people hearing.
she had clearly had enough of us being together to as i knew what time she finish and for over a hour she did not text back or ring, i had then texted back, when i got a phone call from her saying she was at the house, with her parents, shoutiing at me to bring the keys back, forgetting we had the keys cut for her grandparents to feed the fish and hamsters we had when we went on holiday with her family.
I was upset and scared and said i will come back but not if your parents are there, since everytime we had a much smaller fall out, she always got them involved.
In the end i had no choice to go back to find the police there and so i was kicked out.
when we had rented the property the only way we could was for her parents to vouch for us, and only one person could be the lead tenant, her parents did not trust in my hands with not having a solid job so they wanted her to be the name on the property.
so of course in one way yes it was my own fault and i deversed what i got but on the other hand i had no where to go and had no say in not being kicked out.

I had to be taken to a hotel, which i had to scrap the little money i had together and it was over the weekend as well so i was in big trouble.
This point my head was spinning, i felt sick, i barely slept and tried to beg her to help me, yes i know that was silly as it was my fault but i had no support from no one and i loved her so of course not only did i want help but i didnt want to give up fighting for her.
She did help me for a few days, and eventually landed in supported housing.
That whole month was the worse month of my life as we tried to be friends, but we still loved each other, and it just caused even more arugements, which lead to my first caution.
On top of that i did another stupid, selfish act of trying to kill myself, by overdosing on tablets.

When you have no friends, you hate your family and the person you spent nearly 5 years together just comes crashing down, you honestly dont think what your doing.
It was stupid, i was in hospital for 3 days, when i got there is seemed a blur, i remember them making me drink this black stuff, to empty my system off the tablets, being sick, my head spinnng and much more.
Time seemed to loose track as i tried to get sleep but with being ill from the black stuff, what seemed like hours of sleep was only 30-40 Minutes.
 
After those few days i got back home, most days crying, not wanting to eat, i had trouble sleeping, i felt very weak, and i just kept sending email after email, moaning about how much we did with each other the memories and how i wanted her back.
I knew i could never get her back when weeks later after we offically broke up when trying to be with each other again, she then gets a new boyfriend.
Now i understand that we all move on fast, and others dont but a few weeks after???
I knew then that clearly she had been wanting to be with this person for possible more time then that.
As it doesnt seem right to go through that long of being together to be with someone else in a matter of weeks.
I dont know why she felt she needed to rush into things, but hey thats none of my business (:

So if you had not figured by now, my already state of mind, just went into overdrive, sending even more emails, this lead to my second caution, i will say there is a lot more that went down inc what her parents decided to do but i can not mention that as i know 100 percent, my ex, her parents, her friends would try anything to get me into trouble as you will find out in a bit.

Even though my support worker was telling me not to do things i still did them anyway because i was struggling to cope, even when i was in shared housing in nottingham i at least had my girlfriend to get me by those days, but this time i was truly on my own.
I had applied to get support from the mental health services a few weeks after we broke up, and was still on waiting lists to be seen.

So i tried as much as possible to get my head down and move on, with starting my own business.
I was gaining confidence but i was still breaking down everyday with bad depression.
I have mentioned about the whole process of my business etc  in other posts, so i wont repeat things to much.
I had got in touch with a old family member who wanted to help me out, and understand what was going on.
A few months later i went to some networking events, and decided to share a picture of me at the event, i then got a email as i had my twitter account settings to email me whenever i got a retweet, follow etc.
The email said so and so which was it was my ex twitter account, has liked your picture.
Now why would someone who hates you, and clearly moved on do that?
i shook it off, days later another email, it was her again, liking something else.
I then fell for her trap, and starting email her, i even said in the emails, i dont know if its some sick game you and your partner and parents are playing but stop it, you either want to get in touch or leave me alone.
I showed my support worker, and my family member, and both said do not email her, did i listen... nope !!!!!
Then to show how sad their lives had got, and clearly at this point they were laughing their socks off and just trying to get me into trouble, her mum retweeted something of mine !!!
Again for these people to never want me to contact them, etc they sure was going to some length.
3 days had gone by and i get a knock on the door its the police, taking me to the station and giving me a court notice for a months time, due to statements and proof from her that i had been harassing her.
Which to be fair i was, i even admitted to them i was, as i had nothing to hide, but i also stood up for myself and mentioned the emails.
which in a statement, her parents and her both declined that they had done so, despite printing of the proof and saying the police officers.
I still have everything logged to this day (:
inc what came next, so its the day of my court hearing, i plead gulity as like i said i was in the wrong.
The person i talked a few hours before the hearing said not to bother with the twitter things, as there is more evidence against you and if i brought it forward it would only drag things out and make it worse.
So i took a 12 month ban where i could not contact her, go into where she worked etc, and a fine.
This family member helped out with fine, but i knew my ex and her parents would be dancing in the fact of the outcome, to say that one month later, on her twitter account, she put a tweet about finally getting closure for the scumbag, and posted the link, that a newspaper put about cases through lincoln court this week, with me being in there and what it was for !!!
Now again yes i deserved to have my name branded as i did wrong, but at least i was not low enough to celebrate and speard the word more that i had done wrong, to say before all this court thing started she was tweeting about how her ex which was me would not move on with life and yet whos gloating in the fact i was named and shamed hmm...
In life there is always 2 sides to a story, in life you will always 99 percent of the time never get to voice that side to the others parents because they will also protect their own.
In life, you will get people like her, who try and tell her friends, her work colleagues and others, her side of the story, and try to make people hate that person even more.
Which i know for a fact due to people i talked to on facebook, that blocked, when trying to get to them that she had spoken to them, and no i was not losing it, this was down, to how the conversations went and what was mentioned.
all it did was made me laugh thinking well, i did wrong i have owned up for it and now i am trying to turn my life around and move on, and yet from someone who recokens they have the best boyfriend in the world, clearly at that time was not moving on, but more in the i didnt get the outcome i wanted, so now i will make his life more hell, like really??? lol

Maybe i should of gone to jail whos knows, but as the saying goes in movies, i was given a second chance in life to not turn out like my parents and to learn from my mistakes.
Often people make very bad judgements on someones past, weather knowing why that person was the way they were, and for me in that 6-7 month period of breaking up to going to court, i tried to make friends, but ended up surrouning myself with people who did not want to listen or care, and it was already making my depression even worse.

So i decided it was to start fresh, and with help finally from the mental health services but a plan, in place, to look and disucss what my issues were, what went wrong with me and my ex, what happened in my childhood, and what i want to do with my life now.

Talking through my issues, started to give my confidence back, and it did help me learn how i needed to act, and learn to become adult.
I had a good life, full of memories and good times, but if i am fair, in my own fault i was trapped in a loop, of just foucsing my whole life around her, and not what i wanted in life to.

So i got my head down on the computer, learned about photography, starting eating properly,
starting learning about the world and about my skills, and tried to turn what i wanted as business into a hobby but still network, still help the community, and still do what i loved.
I kept fighting to try and get more help from the mental health services and my learning difficulties, but because of lack of funding in lincolnshire it was getting harder, to become a proper adult because i was struggling to cook proper meals, to do everyday life skills that most people can do.

I decided as well as improving my mental health to do the things i loved doing at school, so playing tennis, running, and decided to improve my strength as i was still very weak by going to the gym.

I started to make friends, real friends and the best friends i have ever had in my life, i used my skills, to listen to people, help people, use my skills to help the community out, and more and more bulid my confidence as a person.

Skipping forward to the present, i now live a much better life, i am still fighting to get help, and had no luck over my learning diffulties, which has a knock on effect, you cant get higher help with housing if you havent had assesments for these issues, you cant get help with money etc for the same reasons.

Its got to bad that i have had to seek private counseling as i was just not getting the help i needed.
Everything has and will always happen for a reason, and through seeking other help, its helped me understand who as a person i am now.

Although i have learned a lot, i am not magically cured and i would not said like the clique movie says, he has changed, because i still get angry, 99 percent of the time its at my self now for not being able to do things or push myself to do better, i still get upset, i still have bad aniexty, and bad depression.
All i have done is tried to move on and channel my problems into my physical activites which has allowed me to achieve in my opinion to a high rate.

I have understood that for me tennis and the gym, is my happy places, because of how nice the community is there and how i managed to get involved, its also creates lots of happyiness because of the adrenaline factor.

So If your not running a business and not working what are you doing in life and why are you not working?

My confidence will always be part of the issue of not working, on top of every job i have had even the basic ones i have lost, the fact that i cant do simply things because i know how to do it but my body does it different.

The fact that i do not cope well under pressure and forget things a lot, and panic,
but if your doing all this sport, surely you have no issue working as your physically fit?
again this comes down to the mental health, you cant expect someone to feel the same happyiness and aderlaine working in a supermarkets, serving customers etc to running around, having a laugh etc.

I have not just magically turned my life around in a day, its taken nearly 2 years of learning and battling.
for me that is just how i work, competition fuels me but when i am doing sport, nothing else matters, no bad feelings, no worries, my confidence is higher then its ever been, so i stick with it.

I have learned i can be 2 people not in the sense of a perosnality disorder but how i am as a person in different situations, even spelled that situations just got me a little angry as i knew how to spell it but it just was not coming to me (:
So for example, when i am playing tennis, the rush of happyiness means my aniexty goes, i can talk to people, i dont all big headed and over confident but i am able to have a laugh and relate to people.
with photography its the same i feel confident, i can make speeches, i can network with people.
However put me in front of a social meeting group, i got quite, i get anxious i often leave early even though i want to make friends, same with music events.
Sometimes i can stay and i feel happy and sometimes i think everyone is looking at me strange, even though i know they arent, i get all panicked  if there are a lot of people near me, even if i am there to take photos and enjoy the music.

I have learned that so far, despite all the coping mechanisms and talking about it 90 percent of my depression is just random, i can be going for a walk, and then feel sad, which then i start thinking of bad things, which then can either lead to a bad few hours or a bad few days.

A month a go i had my worse 2 weeks in a row in a long while, where photography, sport, just made me feel worse, i got angry because i was not able to do or enjoy what i was doing which then made me feel more rubbish about my self, and it was a catch 22 problem.

I just try to take each day as it comes, i was a crap person, i had no self worth, i had no plans for a future, i acted like a kid, i had no friends.
But now i just try to keep improving my life and learning, thinking that i have come along way,
I have not tried to force myself to be with someone else because, got simple i was not ready,
As sad as it may seem, it had to go to court, for me to finally snap myself from wherever i was to grow up, and be the person i am now, i am not perfect, i am not the best looking person in world,
i am not a mastermind, but with learning, i have grown up, i have stood up for myself, i have became stronger then i ever was, i am a lot wiser then i was, and although i do struggle to be an adult, the only thing i can keep doing is looking forward, and being true to who i am (:
My ex took one path to one live, and i took another, i have learned to now not worry about what and who my ex is with because i now have my own life to progress forward (:

There is possible a lot more i could of said and things that ill go ahh i forgot to put that,
I know a lot of you might be wondering why i have decided to write this?
the simple answer is i am who i am, i will always be open, i am not afarid anymore of what people think of me, i make enemies and i make friends, that life, you cant aim to please everyone as its not possible, but what you can do is hopefully make people understand a little better, at the person you are, and that through the dark times, there is always light, hope and a path in life where things are better, you just have to find it, hold onto it and let it grow into the new strong person you are today (:

Thanks for reading !!!

What i have learned about myself about the past year, and the future | DanielMarshallVlogs

When I decided to take blogging serious, the idea was to make it a platform to help the local community, over time that expanded to my adventures in life.
At the moment though i feel its the only place i can be true to who i am, not being afraid of who knows,weather that be friends, the local community, even people i have networked with or may network with in the future.
Over the course of the last year, i have lived by the rule of if i can not be who i am then i am lost,
I would rather make loads of enemies and have a small selection of the best people in the world, then have people who i hardly talk to, or do not understand me.

So what i am about to talk about, is my life, its who i am, i take each day as it comes, and i hold no regrets on what i say because people can choose not to read my blogs, choose not to like me as a person, laugh etc, you can not please everyone, or even make every understand, all i try to do is have a place where i can get my thoughts out, and help people understand a little more about the person i am Behind a computer screen and in real life (:

Now for me, i often feel the need to blog, or feel inspired in some way, when i have watched a movie, tv show or even videos on Youtube.
I will often Relate to that thing, as i find if i reference something, its easier for my brain to get the information out i am trying to say or write.
I used to be with someone years a go, who used to have a right go at me for doing this, and ok i can understand that it may have been annoying but if that is sometimes how i get what i need to say out then i really dont see there being a issue around it (:

So for this section i will be referencing DR Foster,
with the show showed whats its like with complex emotions are in play around a child and how much that child trys to shove it back into his head and get on with life, deep inside feelings will always take over how you feel, weeks, month and years later, if something really bad happend in our lives, we often try to bury it so much that, one moment in life it all comes flushing back to the point its to much to cope.
I felt strong emotions towards the show because, although my parents did not cheat, i was in the middle of something i could not escape.
This was for 18 years, suffering with bad depression and aniexty, due to my dad being abusive to my mum.
If it was not the shouting, it was the beating, smashing the house, smashing plates, because oh no why my dad sat doing nothing, and mum was in the kitchen cooking a sunday roast, my dad would complain that the food was never hot enough, or it would be he didnt have enough meat, there was always somethng that was not right, and instead of sorting it out, he took it out by smashing things.
The times he didnt start on my mum, he would start on me, for not being able to tie my laces, saying, he should be able to f... tie them at his age.
My mum tried to teach me but again my dad would always have a go if i did not get it, so of course my self worth and confidence was next to nothing.
Only the last year, have i been able to really understand about my body and about myself, that i have poor hand coordination skills and sometimes i know what i am doing but then my body does not want to do the same, which i have talked about in other blog posts.

Many times i tried to run away, as i could not take living there anymore.
Many times i wanted to be around people, got into Relationships that i could not keep because i loved them but kept pushing them away as i did not want them to be a part of what was going on in my life.
By the time me and my mum managed to move away from my dad, it was to late as my mum was never abusive to me in a physical way, but mentally.
By then i started to get angry and shout back, as i had enough of being pushed from one post to another.
I never wanted to become my dad, i would hate myself if i ever did, but i had a lot of rage inside me because i was just so confused what was going on in my life.
The skills and the way of life to cope as adult was never there for me as most times if i could not do something i was shouted out, instead of understanding why i could not do said thing.

When i Finally got into my first serious relationship, i was very shut off for months, i had got used to shutting myself in my room, playing video games, i was not used to love and affection,
so the first few months we aruged a lot, and almost broke up because i could not cope opening up how i felt around her.

I was with her for nearly 5 years, but as we got more into being with each other, we both, not just one person but both, started getting angry at each other, which then made us both feel depressed at times,
for me i was the one more depressed and because i got used to shutting my side in my room when anything bad happend with my parents, it used to take me ages to calm down to compared to my ex.

Something i do not think she understood at the time, and i never really tried to be open and tell her,
its only been this last year that i have been able to look at my past and realize what went wrong.

We shouted a lot over such stupid things, as a result we ended up breaking up over so many different things, to this day i am still trying to figure everything out.

Although i do think about the past, i do not let it run my live, and my future, you can not and should not bury the past and never think about it no matter how painful it is.
ok do not think about it all the time, but its always good to think through the bad and the good times, that way you can see what went wrong, and not make those mistakes again, but also remember that you had good times, which will stay with you, and make you stronger going forward.

The last month i have been talking about the past a lot, to a private counselor i am seeing which has been good as i have been able to learn so much about myself.

When i was with my ex, she was everything to me, and i used to think that as long as she was happy i was, and that is not really how you should live your live, depending and foucusing your whole life on one person.
I am not saying do not care for the person you are with, but every single person needs to also have their own drive, confidence, self worth, goals, career etc.
You are strong Together as you are apart, if both of you are confident about your jobs your life and where you want life to take you, then that is what makes a good relationship.

When that was took away from me, due to mostly my own actions, I did not care about my life, i had no self worth, i took the cowards way out, and tried to hurt myself, i went into very bad depression.
I had no friends, i refused to be a part of my parents life, as my dad only cared about giving me money and not seeing me, and my mum, just never understood me, i had a few phones calls, and a meet, and you can just tell from the way she talked to me that she had not changed, and felt like she needed to be in control of my life.

So i shut myself off again, i became ill in the sense that, walking to the shop hurt, i was sick a lot due to not eating or overeating because of not eating properly, I would get a lot of pain, hardly any sleep,
I felt like i was going mad at times.

I struggled to cook proper meals for myself and still do a bit, again because its not that i dont know how to cook its my bloody body.

It took 7 months to snap me out of my madness, out of crying everyday, to find a little bit of self worth, through playing tennis and meeting people.
I quickly learned that i had all this strength, being poured from the regrets of life, and letting my self go, that i felt i needed to prove to the world this is not who i want to be anymore.
I had so much fun playing tennis that i felt so happy, it was not only the first thing i had other then sitting on my computer all day, but something that i was starting to get good at.

I have learned that, the worse place my demons take over it sitting in my room, however that is also the place i love the most, but wait you said tennis was???
Tennis is my happy place, but there is any so much your body can take before you just want to go home and relax.
I was brought up with technology, and the love of tv shows and movies, that for me there is nothing better then just being snuggled up in bed watching my really cool stuff.
I try as much as possible to be out and about, but when i feel down, weak, etc my bed and my computer are the things that keep me going, and the place i feel the safest.

Of course the computer has been one of many ways out of my old life and into my new one.
I think of eveything that has had some kind of knock on effect and that without them, I would not be where i am today, starting with going through the princes trust, I would not have got my Dan Media Productions branding, how even though i was a very unconfident person, around others, Give me something i have passion for, and suddenly, i am standing in front of people, giving a 30 second look into what my business is and how it will help you.
That confident i can talk about how video production is done, what you need the creative ideas etc.
I had never had confidence in my life that before and it was great, i got to meet people i would of never thought of, other video creators, social media marketing companies, going on workshops,
it was a transition from being a kid, to an adult.
The knock on affect of my business plan being accepted, getting the funding, to have the camera which not only got me out of the house and helped with my depression a little but has now turned into something far greater, discovering that i have a small skill in photography, and that its growing, quicker then the business of making videos was supposed to.
The affect its had in my confidence to go on the radio, to become more open about who i am and my issues, to keep learning and learning about the world, skills i need, to keep helping the local community.
Just think that if my plan was not accepted by the princes trust, where would i be now in life.
I think i would lost, my depression would of gotten worse then it did and probs done things that until it was to late didnt know i was doing.

I have learned that i have way more strength and will power then i give myself credit for,
but this can come at a cost, I am a very competitive person, not the kind who laughs at others, or winning is everything, but i go out there to aim to win, but to also have fun, playing with people that are better then me gives me more fuel, playing with people that make you laugh, gives me more fuel (:
For me, its silly when i say this but because i dont have someone controlling my life weather that be parents or a loved one, its sometimes hard to know when to stop.
I will keep pushing and pushing doing what i love to the point it hurts, which then will make me feel rubbish about myself, which is then a never ending cycle of beating the demons to only let them win again.
so i have been told that i need to take care more of my body, and if for example at tennis, if i am having a bad day, where i know i feel rubbish, decide to have a break, chat to people and see how i feel rather then thinking itll get better next game, and then leaving thinking why did i ever bother leaving the door this morning.

I do have way more strength then i used to, the depression is still bad but its not everyday, where i am today to compared to the 7 months after the break up, i do feel like a new person, not 100 percent but slowly learning more and more and becoming better (:
No matter how strong i think i am though, i do often have more strength through others,
If i am at the gym, and i am with friends, or with amazing staff, they push me, they can see my drive, and they help to push it further, and often i do acheive better when i am given that little extra push
I am just so happy that i have such amazing people in life at the moment (:

For me i dont know fancy meals out in a pub, or to go on holidays, buy lots of things, ok it would be nice to be able to treat myself a little more, but i dont need tons of money or things to make me happy, doing what i do makes me happy, making others happy, makes me happy.
I think sometimes when we are ruled by having lots of money or surroundings ourselfs in luxury things we forget what we are doing in live and why we are doing it.

Not tons of people but some people work 50+ hours and boast how much money they have, but time is short, and in my eyes what is the point having tons of money and no time to spend it, leaving you maybe one day a month or even a year where you have a massive splash buying things you dont need because look i have lots of money i worked hard for.
In life you need a balance from the amount of hours you work to the amount of time you have to use it, spend time with loved ones etc.

So yeah i dont have a fancy camera, i dont take the best pictures in the world but i sit and learn with what i have got, and i use the knowledge i have took time to learn to help others (:

I might be sad when i say that i could not live without my computer, but without it i would have nothing to learn and block away my demons, without tennis, it would be the same, without gym, i would be weak, i would not have bulit the friends i have and the community i have In Lincolnshire, without all the things that make me, well me (:

My biggest fear at the moment i have found is my aniexty being around others,
I have never been a social person, due to my parents, I do find it hard starting up a talking point to people i dont know, this is why i much perfer for a while talking to people online, that why i can say almost anything i want without the need of feeling shy, feeling scared, being that quiet person who sits in the corner looking silly.

My main issue is not having the same drive i have with sports, and putting into forcing myself to talk to people, although the gym is the most place i talk to people, it is mostly with my friends.
If the staff say hi and want to talk to me, i often end up either repeating myself every time, with hello how are you,  oh thats great music thats on, and sadly thats about all i say.
do i stop what i am doing, and have a real talk with the staff, NO.
I want to but i just then feel awarked and either i focus on what i was doing, or end up leaving.
Its nobodys fault other then my own, people have even said oh just be yourself, i try that and it never happends the way i want it to.

The other problem with aniexty i have is, being around a group of people, i feel on edge, again not myself, i have tried so many times to talk in groups and i know its not for me.
Even going to see live bands, i still feel on edge, sometimes its easier to control then others, but its something that keeps controlling my life and keeps making me miss out on great things.

This next bit i cant remember posting about before, and its something that is totally silly, to some will laugh their socks off, and think its a joke but again i am open, and i will always be, people may say oh but we dont need to know that, well.. oh well, its me, what you gonna do haha (:

Being around Females, of any age, is just as bad as my aniexty.
The first case I remember how bad i was, and to a lot may seemed like i was as society says a freak and i probs still am.
This was starting college in nottingham, and wanting to talk to this girl, not because i liked her, i had never spoken to her, she was in my class, so one day, i wrote on some paper, hi i am really shy, yes i did put this..... and i would like to get to know you, let me know if this is ok !!!
I now look back at that and think what a twat i was, sending a letter to a girl just to ask her to talk to me like wtf daniel haha.

Even when i got girlfriends, talking to them happened by online first before meeting.
Back then and even to this day, I get neverous, if a female sits next to me, not so bad if i really know them, but still, feel on edge and shy, sometimes to the point i will get up and leave and sit somewhere else, i feel on edge if i am at the gym, and i am training on my own, and the manchine i want to use there is a female on the next one, which then i avoid using until shes done, like seriously just go use the dam thing lol.
The worse one is when i am meeting someone new to become friends, and they give you hug, i try as much as possible to avoid it and then just get really shy.
All these issues of mine do annoy me, because its not the person i would like to be.
i want to be able to bring my confidence over from my business like approach into well just being me.
That is the issue that the more and more i get content with being safe, and not pushing myself out of my comfort zone, the worse the issues get !!!

Seriously i really do, do anything to try and hid who i am, sometimes without even knowing i do,
I think in a odd way thats why i have taken to photography in such a passionate way, because i guess its behind a screen haha just kidding (:

Overall, its been a miracle of a year, and at times i wish i could be more, and have more, i have to live each day as it comes, and just keep doing what i live and hope within time, my life will fix itself (:

So there you go, a bunch of things you may or may not have known about me, its been good just to have a few hours to get this of my chest, now i just have to focus my brain onto writing, the blog posts i aimed to do, and even think about getting into writing Stories, that i used to do many years a go !!!!!!

Grantham Tennis Club A year in the making !!! | Daniel Marshall Adventures

In this blog post you will learn how Grantham Tennis club, has not only made my life better but so many others which started with the Feeling good Project in August 2016 !!!!

The last time i had took part in a project was when i was around 17-18 In Nottingham to learn how to play golf, i used to partake in sports nearly everyday but when i Moved to Grantham up until last year, I hardly did any sports and i struggled a lot to go for long walks.

here is a picture of young me trying to look cool haha,




While i was seeking help for my mental health issues. I came across a leaflet for a project lasting  12 weeks.  This scheme was to teach people how to play tennis, help with their social skills, but the main objective was just to come down for 2 hours  every week and have fun (:

For me this was something that i knew would be a test of my physical health, and a chance to do something i have always wanted to learn.
The only tennis i ever did was with someone and that was just hitting the ball any old how just to get the ball to the other person. There was no scoring to think about, positioning, heck I never did any serves, it was just the case of getting out for  a hour every few weeks, and getting enjoyment out of it (:

As i arrived i was greeted by Dale, who with other staff from the club set the project up.
He had a chat with me, and asked a member of staff to give me a tour around the club.
I had seen the place for the outside many times in my travels around Grantham, but until i was shown around i never knew how much it had to offer like,

An amazing Cafe,with plenty of seats even sofas, with a great view of the indoor courts, great for watching people play,


I got to see the gym, which was top class, and even had a upstairs, which then leads through a door, onto the balcony, to watch tennis upstairs,



which you can then access
Exhale Therapy you will find a wide range of treatments offered by experienced professional therapists.

Whether you are looking for help with your injury, advice with your general wellbeing or wanting that special treat for yourself, you need look no further.

• Sports Massage
• Sports injury rehab and prevention – Taping
• Pregnancy and relaxation massage
• Deep tissue massage / Swedish massage
• Facials / Waxing / Nails and Calgel / Tints
• Holistic therapy – Reflexology / Aromatherapy / Basalt Hot Stones / Reiki
• Mindfulness
• Hypnotherapy 

Also home to Blue owl Art -Is an art gallery based in Grantham which brings contemporary art and craft to Grantham Tennis Club

At the club, you also have a bar, A reception area, with staff always friendly, up for a chat, and a selection of different tennis Ratchets and balls to buy, as well as a huge ratchet with sticky notes, where you can post about something that inspires you about tennis.
The club also has, a clubhouse, 4 astro, 5 clay courts, and mini courts for juniors (:





I was amazed at the high standards of the place, and i was told that only a few years back, the club only had a few courts, as was not like the place you see here today, i am so glad the business has been able to expand and was able to put on the project which you will know how well the outcome of that was a little later on in this post (:

As the first session started, Dale explained how the project was going to work, with fresh fruit being served every week,

He mentioned that at the end of the course there would be a chance to win some awards, and your very own racket. At the end of the project would also be a Christmas meal where we could all enjoy a meal and a nice get together.
what we had learned from the first session was how to watch were the ball is going, by throwing and catching, may seem very basic skills to learn, and something that people may go, why would we need to do this rather then play tennis ???
A big part of tennis, is watching the ball, watching the other player, where that person is standing, if you can not keep up with the pace of the ball, you will find it hard to return a shot, if you can not see where the other player is standing, you can not make a judgement, of where you would like to place your shot to win the point.
 like most things you see on TV, like bike racing, cars, football etc, you can not really grasp how fast things are moving in real life, what may seem really slow and easy to learn by watching it, does not mean it is the same when doing it in real life.


If a player is serving and gets a speed of over 100 MPH, on TV you think meh, that is nothing when in reality this is what your brain is thinking - watching the ball come at you with speed, where is it going to bounce, does it have spin on the ball, how am i going to return it, where do i want to return it, and so on, Serving is the most essential part of the game as it can really shake your confidence for the rest of the game.
so learning to watch and catch the ball, helps with your movement, positioning and vision of where the ball is going to go.
another part of good eye contact and learning how to hold a racket, is being able to bounce the ball on top of it  while moving. After learning different skills, we then used soft balls, to work on hitting it to each other to get a rally going, hitting the ball in a straight line is no easy task, even with ultra soft balls, you have to learn to watch where the ball is going and make sure you have the right position of grip, and standing in the right direction to keep the rally going.

You then went further and further back which meant you now had to adjust your power to get it over the net, while at the same time keeping it mostly going straight to the other player.

Lastly we worked on backhands, and having a small match still with the soft balls, and just playing the point out.

I went away feeling great and happy, and wished the next session would come around sooner.



As the sessions progressed, we went from soft balls to proper ones, working on getting our feet moving and running for the ball to return it, as in tennis, you are allowed one bounce only, if the ball is played soft, low etc you can not expect it to come to you, this is where the cardio part of your game comes into play !!!

A series of deep feeds to the corners of the court was done so that you not only had to run to it but in that moment decide where you are going to hit it, what power, etc, both forehand and backhands are needed in your game, to not only get the ball over the net but to try and win the point.

We worked on net shots how best to return it, smashes, so if the ball is high in the air, you have to learn to make sure your body is sideways on, watching where the ball is going to land, and where you want to place the smash to make it harder for the other player to return it.

One of the best moments across the project, was a little fun game called botch.
you split into 2 teams on either side of the court, the idea is the coach will feed the ball to a player, and you play out the point, whoever goes for the ball and misses, is then out, you play until there is only one  player left on one side of the court, and that person has to try and get the other remanding players out before they win the point and you lose.

Its fun because  so many people on the court, sometimes you are unsure who is going to hit it, its fast paced and a barrel of laughs.

Going back to the start of blog where i mentioned about serves, In the 12 weeks we got taught about how important serves are, about the rules of the serves that you get 2 tries however if it clips the top of the net on your first serve, you still get 2 more serves, etc .To  this day  its something that i am learning because there are many different ways of how to position yourself, how high to throw the ball, varying your serves, from a fast serve to a soft one where it just goes over the net and can sometimes surprise the other player, you will find that a player who is naturally good at fast serves, will put a lot of pressure on the others game, not only that but if you can master the fast with the soft, it will put even more pressure on as, they will expect to be standing further back in order to return your fast serve but then have to rapidly run in to the net, making the player often make mistakes as they are not thinking of where the other player is, yet along what shot to play, other then just being able to get the ball over the net.
The thing with serving is your always trying to improve it, and can take years to get it to a really good standard, i will explain about how i have been developing my serve later on.

6 weeks into the course and it honestly just flew by, I was enjoying myself more and more, and making some good friends, everyone skills and understanding of the sport was coming along nicely and was amazed how good people were.

Now that we was halfway into the project, we started having more matches, singles and doubles, learning the positions in double matches, but also playing fun games like doubles champions, where the team that wins stays on as champions until someone beats you, and takes your place.

The coaches would often also join in, which brought the competitiveness out of me and loved it, i have always been able to play to my best, if i am trying to show my teacher that i can beat them (:





With only a few weeks left until the project finished, the advanced stuff was starting to be taught.
Like how to put spin on your serves, forehands, how to return a shot on the rise and fall.
More mini games like having 2 teams on either side of one half of the court, with cones on the other.
Using what you learned with serving, trying to knock over the other teams cones and at the end of say 5 Minutes the team with the less cones wins.

I could go into more detail about sessions but overall, there was never a dull moment, the coaches were always up for a laugh and a banter, they trained you hard but fair making sure you was ok, telling you to take breaks to get a drink if you needed it and making sure everyone was coping with what was being taught.
From when i first started till now i was made into a much better tennis player, it took me weeks just to be able to get a serve over, and now i am working on improving my serve all the time.

I had no idea to start with about thinking tactical about tennis, even though there is so much to think about, i guess like with most things in life, it was hard to learn but at the same time it was just very chilled out and fun, and that was the key element, going away  from the session, having learned something, being able to get exercise and feeling good and happy, hence the project name of feeling good.

It was now the end of the project, and time for the Christmas meal, the last session was made just to have a lot of laughs before getting changed for the meal.
Lovely festive table was laid out, the week before we gave the club our choice of the meats we liked,so that on the day the staff knew who was having what.

The meal was lovely and was nice to see how everyone was all smart looking for the occasion.
Coaches and staff were there to offer awards, for attendance, best forehand, best dressed etc.
I got 2 awards, one for a speech i did, i thought it would be nice to thank all the staff for their hard work, to mention how much i enjoyed the project and other things,
the other award was for attending every session.

Like with 99 percent of things i do in life, i always make sure to get there early but to also never miss anything either.
I really enjoyed the night, and was over the moon to be holding my own  racket, that i did a video about how i felt the project went but also photography of the awards i got (:




It was mentioned at the meal that the session would continue a few weeks later but a fee of a few pounds would be  needed, which was fair due to the time and effort the staff but into the project in the first place, and it was good that they wanted to keep it going.

I was very excited as the last thing i wanted to do was to stop playing tennis after learning so much.
At the sessions carried on i arranged with a friend, to meet half a hour before the session to have a quick hit, as we both loved tennis so much.
One person who i got on very well with could not make it to the sessions due to him being in sleaford and getting a job,which was a shame as he was a amazing player.

within a month of the sessions starting,again we played even more matches, and got working on improving all of our skills,whilst learning a few different things.
This was also the time i decided, that i had fount something that not only was the  place that made me the happiest but something i enjoyed more and more, so i joined the club.
I was told about the socials which ran Monday and Friday 10-12, a place where members of the club, could come along to have some friendly game of doubles and be social.
This was my first step at seeing what my skills were like in a proper doubles match, and playing with members that had been playing tennis for a very long time.
For the first few socials i was very anxious, and was making a lot of mistakes, i was also not used to the level of players skills, and just took time to adapt myself.
I made it my goal to still go to the sessions, but to play at socials and arrange with my friend once a week to have a hit as well.



Now that i had learned everything about tennis up to this point, it was just finding my rhythm, I was good at serving with some cheeky soft serves close to the net, but i was having the problem off the percentage of them going in.
I could do some really epic serves but most of the time i would be double faulting, something you can not afford to do if you was playing in a competition.

I got a lot of tips for the players, about trying to throw the ball higher, and also when you start getting into a stage where you can do that, start watching where your hitting the ball when it comes back down.
at i mentioned above the serving is one of the hardest parts in the game, its not as simply as chucking it up and hitting it.

At the same time, if you focus all your attention on the serve your brain wont have time to get back into the game and watch where the other player has returned your serve to, so you have to think about so much at once when playing tennis.

In February 2017 The club was looking for members to put their names down to be part of a team to enter the swimmarthon over at the meres leisure center, i wrote a post about the experience so i wont go into a lot of detail.

All i can say is, it really tested my stamina and push my limits, it was great to be a part of a team, to represent the tennis club and have fun.

As April hit Talks of another Project for the club was under going, which gave exciting opportunities.
Dale had asked me, if i would like to Join him, on Gravity Fm our local Radio station, to talk about how the project has helped me but to also promote Feeling Good again,
12 more funded weeks were going to be on offer, which was great as i wanted to see even more talent come to the club !!!




I could not ever imagine being on the radio, a very new aspect to my life was starting as the following week, Thanks to connections from the club, Me, Dale, and James Prior one of the coaches at the club, got the chance to speak about the project again this time with a bigger audience across Lincolnshire, at BBC Radio Lincolnshire.

It was a really fun Day out as we went in the car and had lots of chats about a lot of things, I got to see parts of Lincolnshire i had never shown going by, and Dale even stopped for me to do some photography of a amazing looking Building.

While waiting to go on air, The club was mentioned a few times, with all of us smiling hehe (:
melvyn prior, was the host interviewing us, Dale and James spoke about How the project went, and even i got a chance to speak about mental health and how much the club had changed my life.
Which was true, i still suffer with mental health, but being at the tennis club makes life that little bit easier, i feel happy, and had made me into the person i am today (:




Links to the interview will be at the end of this post (:

Being a part of the club, only made me a more confident person, but also more dedicated to get stronger an faster, which lead me to take part in the coach to 5k course ran by Grantham Running Club !!!!

Who connected with the tennis club in order to hold the sessions there, even if the manager of the club got involved in this project which was amazing to see, how well businesses work Together (:
I had written many posts about the running club, so i will not say anymore about it, otherwise i will be going off topic onto what this post it about hehe.

With doing so much physical sport, Injuries can often come into play, a month into doing the running alongside tennis i picked up my first minor leg problem.

my whole left leg, was very painful to walk on, which meant i had to take my first week of tennis since i started playing, and miss 2 sessions of the running club.

When you love being outdoors but also have a strong love for the things you do, it can be so frustrating not being able to do them, it is always best though not to push through it and to take the rest your body is telling you otherwise you will end up doing more harm then good (:

As with times i had struggle in life with my mental health i came back stronger then ever.
I had made a plan that every time i would go to the social games, i would get there a hour early to warm up my serves and other parts of my game, this often lead to meeting more people anyway, due to most people at the club who took part in the social getting there at least half a hour before it starts to do the same thing.

I find the socials always a laugh, pulling off shots that i never know how thats possible, and to this day i have connected with so many people, that everyone just makes me feel so welcome.

I think in a week, as well as the Project every Wednesday, i must play tennis 3-4 times a week.
I am able to play tennis more and more because of the club putting on more socials days,
I think around may time it was announced that a social would start on Saturday and i tell you what its gone down so well, to the point there are more players then courts sometimes haha.

My next steps Towards progressing my skills, was playing at competition level.
So i decided to ask if i could be put down in a team for the club.
Which would play matches across other tennis courts across Lincolnshire but also on their home ground at the club.

Fate had called as a chap who was part of my team for the swim marthon was set to be my partner going into my first doubles match.

A fee of course had to be paid, in order to play as well as bringing something to eat so everyone who was playing could sit down after, talk to each other and enjoy some food (:

In life you have Ups and down, which can often happen in playing sports at a competitive level, not matter how much you enjoy the sport you are playing there are times when you question not playing ever again.
It was my toughest test one of which, impacted my mental health a lot, as from playing so well in the socials, i suddenly forgot everything i had learned and could not play making me get more frustrated at myself, and well my game only getting worse and worse.
I ended up for days tearing myself up of this, because the matches lasted for 3 hours, on a normal day i would be physically fit to manage it but at such a competitive level it drained me.
I was in pain physically and mentally for days, and never wanted to pick up a  racket again !!!

Luckily The members and staff from the club even my friend all showed me support, talked some sense into me and a week later, had a new mind set of not giving up and trying harder then i ever had done.

The Blue owl art was holding a exhibition of work being on offer to public to buy, so i decided to pop along to have a look around.

You can tell by now how much i love tennis when i am there for this even and i am more drawn to watching the tennis that was happening indoors !!!! (:
It was a hour of Intense Cardio, lead by the amazing talented coach Lewis Rae, who also took the sessions for the feeling good project.

In life when you make a decision you stick with it so that is what i did, i went down after the session had finished to have a work with him about it, and by next week i was partaking.

This saw how keen i really was to amp up my skills, my game, my fitness levels and so much more.
I came away feeling super happy, and had some really good practice as deep forehands, backhands, running to the net to get drop shots and doing a fun mini game which got everyone laughing (:

A few weeks later i saw the same chap for the 3rd time who was my partner for the doubles matches.
He had managed to get some funding from a local church, to offer the feeling club memebers a feast of pure yummy treats, scones with jam, teas and coffees, huge strawberries, chocolates and so much more, it was a great afternoon and instead of being healthy i decided just to aim to eat the chocolates hehe what can i say i have a sweet tooth (:



Just over a month a go members of the feeling good project got the chance to be in a picture,
as well as kids who were learning how to play tennis, as the club had won a award for  their Disability Program of the Year Awards for the Midlands.

The club has a lot of talent coming through at the moment and has a wonderful Program to help people who need to use a wheelchair to be able to still play tennis and you know what do not let the fact that they have to use one fool you, some amazing players competing at a very high level, that will give anyone a hard test to beat them in a match (:

When i am not playing tennis its just nice to head to the club for afternoon to watch people play. One afternoon i was just in shock to see kids around the age of 10 play out of this world, I believe there was Regional championships taking place and wow, it put me to shame, to see these kids making it look so easy why us adults have to work harder and harder just to play the shots they were haha (: Again this made me want to train ever harder, in all aspects my game and my fitness. One weekend i had played the best tennis ever because i had a lot of adrenaline rush running through me, due to doing Park run at Rutland water in the morning, and then for some reason decided i was not tired and wanting to play in the social.
which leads into the last few weeks which is August. A flyer was on the desk at the club about a closed Tournament just for the club members, you could participate in doubles, singes, novice doubles and many others. One of the coaches mentioned i should enter the doubles, and bring along one of the members from the project, The thing with me is i love playing at the social a lot, and can play great shots but learning where to stand, and be able to communite with your partner was something i lacked a lot of, i much preferred playing singles, although you have to run for every ball, its much more fast paced and suits my playing style, so that is what i decided to enter.

This was another chance to see how much my skills had come along, i made the decision to stop going to the running club for the next few weeks so i could focus on training for the competition ahead. One day while i was at the club, a friend pointed a chap to my direction who talked to me for about half a hour who was helping me with getting a better serve in, it was nice to see members of the club just taking their time out to help others (: These tips improved the percentage of my serves and i was really happy, i tested this is the social games and really worked, and had some great games.

Then yet again, as you work harder and harder in life to try and better yourself things do not seem to go right, I changed nothing with my serve because, it was working for me, but for some reason 90 percent of my first serves were not going over the net and my second serves rate was rapidly getting worse as well.
The more i focused on fixing what was wrong the worse my game got. This was now worrying me for the big games ahead, on the day of the matches, i had a hour practice with a friend and played a hour of social my game was great but again my serve was not improving. In the competition in my opinion i played against to of the best the club has, Rob, who works at the club, and Tim who is one of the receptionists, both players played top class, both plays had really fast serves that put my whole game under pressure, making me make silly mistakes and running for every ball.
It was fun to play in the matches as it push my limits, it helped me learn how to read their serves. To start with i struggle to even return a serve but after losing a few games i got used to the pace. After playing my first match with rob, i got chance to have a hit with Tim, that is when my game completely fell apart. He has the fastest serve i have ever seen, and for some reason my whole body was shaking, my feet heavy and i could not run as fast towards the ball as i normally had. yes the last competition i entered affected the way i felt, but even in those games i was not shaking. It could have been many things, such as the weather as it was over 20 degrees and anytime it is i struggle to cope, could even be the fast serves that messed with my head, who knows all i knew is that i was struggling more and more. Overall i was happy that i gave it a go, i still have a lot to learn and train for and i am ready to keep pushing myself and to keep improving. The club is still searching for more funding in order to help with putting on more projects so that more people can get out, join in, have fun and learn to play tennis (: So why has Grantham tennis club changed my life so much??? If it was not for the amazing staff and members of the club making me feel welcome i would not have been able to come more out of my shell and starting building my life up, thanks to them, i had more drive in my life, to learn about photography, to start covering events and helping my local community, they gave me the drive, to get stronger, faster and even if its only for a few hours a day to help my overall mental health !!!!

I only wish more businesses in Lincolnshire could get the funding to help out, it was great that this scheme was open to all ages as you find in places like Nottingham where i was born that their are schemes to help young people up to the age of 18 and sometimes 25 but no social stuff for adults. I think that as a whole, funding projects, help, seems to stop after the age of 18 and that your classed as ok ! now you can deal with life yourself and you have to go out there and find things to do and people to meet. with my depression and aniexty i often find it hard to go and find these things so when you have projects like the feeling good project, it really made me into a new person (:
I would love to be able to expand the sports i do, like getting into football again, playing badminton as i used to play it every week in Nottingham, when i had finished school and i would say i was really good at it, would be nice to see Lincolnshire get funding for sports of all ages, this again would improve your overall mental health (: So what are my next steps with tennis? Well i am going to keep training off course, and enter more competitions, the more you enter the more you will get used to the level of play. work on my social skills more because although i get on well with people from the club, my heart is focused so much on playing tennis that i often do not stop to chat with people .
It would be cool, to be able to promote the club some more, by going on the radio, and helping them with finding funding to continue the project. Someday i would like to learn about coaching, so that i help be a part of the club and teach people tennis (:

last but least weather its singles or doubles once i have worked on improving my game to a good standard is to play matches away from the club, in a team like i tried to do before. Just maybe one day on a young lads dream, be good enough to play at much bigger events that are published on T.V !!!!!!!



Thank you all for reading my Journey of my tennis career, its been a long read i know but i hope you have some understand of how learning tennis can help you in life and why the community of Grantham is a rare place because i have never had such a loving caring and supportive group of people in my life like Grantham has provided !!!!!!!

Want to find out more !!!! then look below and have a nice day (: Grantham tennis club Interview -
Full Voice Interview

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