This blog post is going to be a combined post, mentioning bits that i have said in a few others posts, the reason for this is to go even deeper into things and also mention more things i am learning how to cope as adult and with my issues in life (:
i would like to say like i do with most posts, i have learned to be fully open, to live life for me, and be happy the best i can, I get rid of the people that want to ruin my life or dont care and fill in with love, caring and the best friends and community in the world, and i will keep trying to expand my friends, keep trying to improve in life and always keep being who i am !!!
I mentioned a few weeks back that seeing a private counselor has been helping, as they dont stick to stupid score sheets or guidelines, The person is there to listen, to understand, to dig deep into the issues you face in life and your past, and to help you become better at controlling these feelings.
The reason i am even writing this post is because of how deep the talks have been, and that i feel its best to reflect that for others to see, understand and might even help someone who is going through similar issues (:
When you grow up, you start to learn things about yourself, as you grow up, your supposed to learn the right from the wrong, that is what parents are there for, to help you grow as a person, to help you overcome challenges, to help you learn for later life in becoming an adult ??
I dont have overall figure so this is a guess amount but i would say over 50 percent of humans in the world, have not grown up with a loving family, its either one parent or the other who have been supported of their child/ children.
Not matter how small or big events have been in that child,s life those things will always be buried deep within our brain, just waiting for when we feel low or have a bad day to remind us of those horrid times and sometimes it can sit with for hours and sometimes even days before we snap out of that place and back to reality.
The past week i have had to go back to those dark places to understand about my life, which has meant being stuff up that has scared me, that has hurt me, but without bringing them up, and learning to overcome them, then the demons will only ever get stronger !!!
When i reflect on the past, it really shows that your actions and who you are come from your parents.
Often when you feel alone, stressed and other emotions, the Dna from our parents comes into play without us even realizing it, until that moment when its to late, we have either said or done something our parents did which has been bad, and the only way to make sure it does not happen again, is to think and understand why they acted that way and put solutions in place in our minds so that we do not act like them.
For myself i am 26, but there is a kid the age of around 10 still inside me, what do you mean by that?
This is something the counselor brought up and i do think its very true.
From the age i was born, until i was 18, i had one parent who tried to be there as much as she could, to try and teach me things.
on the other hand i had my dad who was not only physically abuse but mentally abuse to my mum, who whenever i could not do something straight away, like ride a bike, or even things i could not do like tie laces, instead of having the patience to teach me or even let my mum do that, it was often replaced with, my dad shouting at my mum saying at his age he should be able to do this and that.
The thoughts of learning became into my own personal frustration at myself for not being able to do the simplest thing that most people could do, which would often lead me to put myself down, and had a overall knock on my confidence.
The times of being able to relax after a hard day of school, would often be replaced by sitting on the top of the stairs listening to my dad shouting at my mum, and having to sit and listen because i knew what my dad was like with turning that into physical and needed to be there to help mum away from it.
On top of all that, some people from school, knew what was going on, with those people living on the same street as us, these people would often bully me and then others would bully me because of my issues of not being able to do normal everyday life skills that even at that age, a lot of kids knew.
Everyday i felt i was on edge, scared, lonely, no friends, and often having to play sports on my own just to get out of the house.
So the times where i was supposed to learn about life, it was not there, until me and my mum finally moved away from my dad, and i started college life, learning about having to pay for board, having my own money from college, to spend or save on what i wanted.
So for me the life skills i should have learnt up till then i had only started when i was around 17-18, so overall my age level is around a 10 year old, to the point that due to events from moving away from my dad, life went to fast forward state, and again instead of having that learning experience i was thrown into the deep end.
My mum had the trouble of having bill after bill stacked due to most of the things we owned being brought through a catalog, or the stupid buy now pay nothing till 2 years time etc which was in my mums name, but was being paid through most of the income earned from my dads so called disabllites, which contain of him going mental a lot, him moaning saying the doctors keep giving my tablets, and moaning at my mum even shouting and crying saying they think i am mental, why wont they do anything. he went to hospital to get checked, nothing wrong with him, he put himself into hospital, to many times, not because he had hurt himself, no, just because he thought he was dying
the so called act, he used most of my childhood and i bet uses to this day.
while he claimed this for supposed to be having disabllites, i feel that i wouldnt say i have some but i do have learning difficulties, such as dysprxia, and dylexia
Anyway getting back to the point, my mum was in money problems, and i was trying to help the best i could but i also had to think about my future,
a few months into living my mum, things seemed ok, and i even starting seeing a girlfriend for a few months.
we did not work out and i just started to focus on college.
A few months later i started talking to someone online, we got on well, and after a few months of talking decided to meet.
This started to develop more and more, but the more i saw her, the more my mum did not like it and her whole attitude changed towards me, shouting at me all the time, the anger built up from my dad made me often shout back and stand up for myself, i suppose i was in a rebellious stage in my life.
At the time i had no idea i was turning into my dad, because i had put those bad feelings to the back of my mind, and also with being adult and having adult responsibilitys, i was not thinking what i was saying, i just wanted to think about my future and that future was being with this person i really liked.
Its bad when your parents do not notice how bad your grammer is when you speak or even words that you can not say, like basketball and biscuit without it sounding funny.
That the person that notices your issues is the person who hardly knows you, but loves you and wants to help.
I did not have the issues where if i could not do something i would be shouted for, instead i had that support, and overtime without being stressed, my speech became better, again something i should have already knew how to do but it was my brain acting at a much younger age due to the dramatic events in my life.
Then became a very challenging and stressful few months, as i was kicked out the house for such stupid reasons, so the girlfriend who i was with asked her parents if i could stay around for a few days until i got things sorted.
I had to make trips back and forth from Nottingham to Grantham, as because i had not registered with Grantham council for at least 3 months and had a connection from Nottingham, i was told they could not help that i must get somewhere in nottingham.
after a lot of stress not only for myself but in our Relationship, I finally got a shared house In Nottingham.
over the course of a year, i was living life still on the edge, where i had landlords that did not care about the state of the place, and were scamming clients, other tenants shouting, banging, playing loud music, stealing, as well as hardly eating at i did not know how to budget, what food to buy, i had no form of entertainment, as i had no tv and no wifi.
each week i wished would fly by just so i could see my girlfriend at the weekend.
I had never learned to cope as adult until i was shoved into the deep end, and the whole experience made me very depressed, i had no friends to talk to, so just being able to talk to my girlfriend for a few a day leading up till meeting her again got me by.
The whole thing was a bonding experience though and after that year we both decided it was best to move to Grantham after applying for a application to be put through that council.
Things started to get better in my life, and after a few months in a shared house in Grantham decided it was time to move in with each other with our own place.
Her parents helped a lot, with buying is what we needed for the place, but the problem of other bad tenants followed us.
it was a house built with 3 flats, with us being in the middle one.
upstairs played music loud all day and even through the night, downstairs kept setting off the fire alarm, slamming the door, and shouting.
my girlfriend was 2 years younger then me, she started studying at college, and often could not get enough sleep or study because of what was going off.
on top of this we started arguing a lot and being very distant with each other because i was not used to being the same room as someone, i was not used to spending time with someone, because i shut myself in my room playing video games most of my life up until the point we got with each other.
so instead of trying new things, and spending time with each other, i used to shut myself away from her a lot of the time.
This was also a time where, we was also learning about bills , rent, managing money, etc
learning to give and take on things we wanted as a couple.
Back then i was very unfit, i was very weak, and because we lived in a place where most of it was paid for, takeaways and treats started to creep in.
My girlfriend was helping out with her family business as well as studying, so it was time for me to look for work.
My first job i had, i was let go after 2 weeks, as it was working in a kitchen, with training being given on the job, instead of training being given prior to the job.
I had always suffered with asthma, and at the time i got the job, i had one of the worst colds i had in my life, working in the kitchen nearly made me faint, i felt so ill, i kept coughing, and i was struggling to remember things as i was told so many different things at once.
Her parents that were so supported and helped us so much, then started on me as if i was there own son, shouting at me and my girlfriend, that is was my fault i lost the job, this and that, which caused a massive arugement with my girlfriend, as she was not very supportive at the time either, and after i put my foot down and explained things, she finally defended me to her parents.
So it was time to look for another job, since moving in with each other, i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life, i had studied music at college before we got with each other, but that was only something i wanted to do as a hobby.
It was just the case off finding work to earn a income, so a few months later i got a job as a cleaner.
Most of the cleaning duties i copied with but the store was massive and had a lot of flooring that needed buffering, with me being very weak and grew up with a very poor grip on things and in strength, this then became very challenging.
I was given a warning for not being able to do it right at work, and they ended up giving the task to another member of staff.
I was with the company for about 3 months, in that time, i worked with a very nasty woman who decided to make stuff up saying i was not hovering the carpets, and that i had miss spots when i had not and even showed the staff working there.
However because she was acting miss goodie two shoes and chatted away a lot to the staff, people took her side, which led to me getting the sack.
Which you can imagine how that went down with my girlfriends parents this time !!!
It was always like i had to proof myself to them, and that they would treat me like their son, showing me a good time, taking us on trips but the moment i did something wrong that was not my fault, all hell came down on me, like seriously your not parents pee off.
After all the noise that went off in our flat, we could not take anymore and looked for a better place.
This was the next step into being with each other, we managed to get a lovely 2 bedroom flat, which did cost us a bit more money but worth it to have peace and quiet, and have more space.
The quiet though did feel like it was driving me nuts, and i did start to feel more depressed, i often fount myself having the house to myself 4 times a week, for about 6 hours to myself, feeling lonely bored, and just wishing she was back from work to spend time with her.
a lot of our time together i would say now looking back i did depend on her a lot and did want to spend a lot of time with her, to me because i did not have that love from my parents and having no friends, she was everything to me.
so of course over time, we had more arguments,over such silly things, she got annoyed because i could not do things like help with cooking, even though she seemed to never have time to show me and help me.
i also struggled with putting bedding on, and often she would ask for help, show me and then i get it wrong, and then get moody because i was making more of a mess, like you clearly see after trying to show me that i cant do it even with showing me over and over, so its harsh but do not ask me to help you if your going to have a mardy about it.
also for me whenever we had arugement it would often take me much longer to calm down, get over it and go back to normality.
I think because of the way my dad was, without knowing it his attitude rubbed off on me, which of course i tried to fight so much not to be like my dad, but he is a part of me, and weather i knew it or not, in a way i was acting like he was.
Things also became very up and down with her parents, over going on holidays and hearing them have a go at each other, going on day trips hearing the same, there were a lot of good days and some bad days.
it just got so hard to have a life just us 2 when the more jobs i tried to keep for some reason i kept losing them, which only made her parents more and more mad at me, like i am trying you know.
I honestly think that life has a knock on effect that the more your trying to impress someone, and they have a go at you, other then having a go at them, and getting more and more stressed at myself for not being able to do simple things, then the only other place to release that anger and upset is the person your with ):
to most people even if they are together family is very important to that person, and i think it makes it hard to stay in love with that person, when your not only fighting one battle but 2, i think always trying to impress them, because they think your a slacker, and never really got on with you, that it makes it so much harder to think, is being with this person really worth it?
at the time my answer was yes, but now i look back, maybe more talks was needed, or to end it sooner without all the bad things that lead up to the break up and even after which you will know about a little later on.
You might be thinking if things were really that bad, why did you not seek help for yourself or even a as a couple, i think we both thought that nothing was really wrong with us, and that we did not need it.
it also became hard to not seem like a control freak, when we was already eating lots of takeaways buying things and going for day trips but since she never wanted to do budgeting i had to, which meant sometimes also caused arugements because i had to set limits to spending on days out.
it became really strange that, from not being able to control my own money, when in nottingham, to know making sure we had enough money left over each month.
6 months before we broke up, i had lost my longest job i had as a cleaner, over many reasons,
I decided there and then, that i clearly was not cut out for work, but also it was to stressful, trying to make sure i kept a job otherwise i would be shamed for being lazy, and not caring about supporting my girlfriend, if i did not have that stress and worry behind me maybe things would of been better for everyone !!!
it just amazes me that her parents, and my girlfriend never really mentioned about trying to get help for learning diffultites or something as clearly i did have some, but again i didnt say anything either because i was worried how her parents would take it and also, the thought never really crossed my mind.
on top of everything in life, i had my dad trying to reconnect with me, which i tried to see how things went, and all he ever cared about was giving us money, not spending time with us, and just being around him still put me on edge, he had not changed and that was shown in his actions.
If though i am being fully open, there are still things i wish not to disclose on the net, or even think about to write, lets just say i have not had contacted with both parents in over a year now (:
It often became frustrating for me as i wanted to help with cooking, with supporting her but i just got more and more stressed not being able to.
Then came the most stupidest thing i had ever done, which i do regret to this day, but everything happends for a reason, and maybe this next action needed to happen in order for a fresh start.
One day while she was at work, i went onto the computer we shared, and often left our Facebooks open due to having that much respect for each other.
I dont know why but i decided to go through her inbox and it was a good job i did, as she was not only talking to a guy about us but soon would be her new boyfriend.
I had filpped out that she could not talk to me about her problems or even say to me she was talking to someone about it, which i would of been fine with but to find out that way, it made me anger and very unaware of my next actions.
she had text me while she was at work saying she left her keys in the house so when she was near home could i let her in.
so for about a hour i pondered what to do, full or rage, took her keys left the house and texted her saying that i wanted to meet in a public place to sort things out as i was sick of us aruging in the house and other people hearing.
she had clearly had enough of us being together to as i knew what time she finish and for over a hour she did not text back or ring, i had then texted back, when i got a phone call from her saying she was at the house, with her parents, shoutiing at me to bring the keys back, forgetting we had the keys cut for her grandparents to feed the fish and hamsters we had when we went on holiday with her family.
I was upset and scared and said i will come back but not if your parents are there, since everytime we had a much smaller fall out, she always got them involved.
In the end i had no choice to go back to find the police there and so i was kicked out.
when we had rented the property the only way we could was for her parents to vouch for us, and only one person could be the lead tenant, her parents did not trust in my hands with not having a solid job so they wanted her to be the name on the property.
so of course in one way yes it was my own fault and i deversed what i got but on the other hand i had no where to go and had no say in not being kicked out.
I had to be taken to a hotel, which i had to scrap the little money i had together and it was over the weekend as well so i was in big trouble.
This point my head was spinning, i felt sick, i barely slept and tried to beg her to help me, yes i know that was silly as it was my fault but i had no support from no one and i loved her so of course not only did i want help but i didnt want to give up fighting for her.
She did help me for a few days, and eventually landed in supported housing.
That whole month was the worse month of my life as we tried to be friends, but we still loved each other, and it just caused even more arugements, which lead to my first caution.
On top of that i did another stupid, selfish act of trying to kill myself, by overdosing on tablets.
When you have no friends, you hate your family and the person you spent nearly 5 years together just comes crashing down, you honestly dont think what your doing.
It was stupid, i was in hospital for 3 days, when i got there is seemed a blur, i remember them making me drink this black stuff, to empty my system off the tablets, being sick, my head spinnng and much more.
Time seemed to loose track as i tried to get sleep but with being ill from the black stuff, what seemed like hours of sleep was only 30-40 Minutes.
After those few days i got back home, most days crying, not wanting to eat, i had trouble sleeping, i felt very weak, and i just kept sending email after email, moaning about how much we did with each other the memories and how i wanted her back.
I knew i could never get her back when weeks later after we offically broke up when trying to be with each other again, she then gets a new boyfriend.
Now i understand that we all move on fast, and others dont but a few weeks after???
I knew then that clearly she had been wanting to be with this person for possible more time then that.
As it doesnt seem right to go through that long of being together to be with someone else in a matter of weeks.
I dont know why she felt she needed to rush into things, but hey thats none of my business (:
So if you had not figured by now, my already state of mind, just went into overdrive, sending even more emails, this lead to my second caution, i will say there is a lot more that went down inc what her parents decided to do but i can not mention that as i know 100 percent, my ex, her parents, her friends would try anything to get me into trouble as you will find out in a bit.
Even though my support worker was telling me not to do things i still did them anyway because i was struggling to cope, even when i was in shared housing in nottingham i at least had my girlfriend to get me by those days, but this time i was truly on my own.
I had applied to get support from the mental health services a few weeks after we broke up, and was still on waiting lists to be seen.
So i tried as much as possible to get my head down and move on, with starting my own business.
I was gaining confidence but i was still breaking down everyday with bad depression.
I have mentioned about the whole process of my business etc in other posts, so i wont repeat things to much.
I had got in touch with a old family member who wanted to help me out, and understand what was going on.
A few months later i went to some networking events, and decided to share a picture of me at the event, i then got a email as i had my twitter account settings to email me whenever i got a retweet, follow etc.
The email said so and so which was it was my ex twitter account, has liked your picture.
Now why would someone who hates you, and clearly moved on do that?
i shook it off, days later another email, it was her again, liking something else.
I then fell for her trap, and starting email her, i even said in the emails, i dont know if its some sick game you and your partner and parents are playing but stop it, you either want to get in touch or leave me alone.
I showed my support worker, and my family member, and both said do not email her, did i listen... nope !!!!!
Then to show how sad their lives had got, and clearly at this point they were laughing their socks off and just trying to get me into trouble, her mum retweeted something of mine !!!
Again for these people to never want me to contact them, etc they sure was going to some length.
3 days had gone by and i get a knock on the door its the police, taking me to the station and giving me a court notice for a months time, due to statements and proof from her that i had been harassing her.
Which to be fair i was, i even admitted to them i was, as i had nothing to hide, but i also stood up for myself and mentioned the emails.
which in a statement, her parents and her both declined that they had done so, despite printing of the proof and saying the police officers.
I still have everything logged to this day (:
inc what came next, so its the day of my court hearing, i plead gulity as like i said i was in the wrong.
The person i talked a few hours before the hearing said not to bother with the twitter things, as there is more evidence against you and if i brought it forward it would only drag things out and make it worse.
So i took a 12 month ban where i could not contact her, go into where she worked etc, and a fine.
This family member helped out with fine, but i knew my ex and her parents would be dancing in the fact of the outcome, to say that one month later, on her twitter account, she put a tweet about finally getting closure for the scumbag, and posted the link, that a newspaper put about cases through lincoln court this week, with me being in there and what it was for !!!
Now again yes i deserved to have my name branded as i did wrong, but at least i was not low enough to celebrate and speard the word more that i had done wrong, to say before all this court thing started she was tweeting about how her ex which was me would not move on with life and yet whos gloating in the fact i was named and shamed hmm...
In life there is always 2 sides to a story, in life you will always 99 percent of the time never get to voice that side to the others parents because they will also protect their own.
In life, you will get people like her, who try and tell her friends, her work colleagues and others, her side of the story, and try to make people hate that person even more.
Which i know for a fact due to people i talked to on facebook, that blocked, when trying to get to them that she had spoken to them, and no i was not losing it, this was down, to how the conversations went and what was mentioned.
all it did was made me laugh thinking well, i did wrong i have owned up for it and now i am trying to turn my life around and move on, and yet from someone who recokens they have the best boyfriend in the world, clearly at that time was not moving on, but more in the i didnt get the outcome i wanted, so now i will make his life more hell, like really??? lol
Maybe i should of gone to jail whos knows, but as the saying goes in movies, i was given a second chance in life to not turn out like my parents and to learn from my mistakes.
Often people make very bad judgements on someones past, weather knowing why that person was the way they were, and for me in that 6-7 month period of breaking up to going to court, i tried to make friends, but ended up surrouning myself with people who did not want to listen or care, and it was already making my depression even worse.
So i decided it was to start fresh, and with help finally from the mental health services but a plan, in place, to look and disucss what my issues were, what went wrong with me and my ex, what happened in my childhood, and what i want to do with my life now.
Talking through my issues, started to give my confidence back, and it did help me learn how i needed to act, and learn to become adult.
I had a good life, full of memories and good times, but if i am fair, in my own fault i was trapped in a loop, of just foucsing my whole life around her, and not what i wanted in life to.
So i got my head down on the computer, learned about photography, starting eating properly,
starting learning about the world and about my skills, and tried to turn what i wanted as business into a hobby but still network, still help the community, and still do what i loved.
I kept fighting to try and get more help from the mental health services and my learning difficulties, but because of lack of funding in lincolnshire it was getting harder, to become a proper adult because i was struggling to cook proper meals, to do everyday life skills that most people can do.
I decided as well as improving my mental health to do the things i loved doing at school, so playing tennis, running, and decided to improve my strength as i was still very weak by going to the gym.
I started to make friends, real friends and the best friends i have ever had in my life, i used my skills, to listen to people, help people, use my skills to help the community out, and more and more bulid my confidence as a person.
Skipping forward to the present, i now live a much better life, i am still fighting to get help, and had no luck over my learning diffulties, which has a knock on effect, you cant get higher help with housing if you havent had assesments for these issues, you cant get help with money etc for the same reasons.
Its got to bad that i have had to seek private counseling as i was just not getting the help i needed.
Everything has and will always happen for a reason, and through seeking other help, its helped me understand who as a person i am now.
Although i have learned a lot, i am not magically cured and i would not said like the clique movie says, he has changed, because i still get angry, 99 percent of the time its at my self now for not being able to do things or push myself to do better, i still get upset, i still have bad aniexty, and bad depression.
All i have done is tried to move on and channel my problems into my physical activites which has allowed me to achieve in my opinion to a high rate.
I have understood that for me tennis and the gym, is my happy places, because of how nice the community is there and how i managed to get involved, its also creates lots of happyiness because of the adrenaline factor.
So If your not running a business and not working what are you doing in life and why are you not working?
My confidence will always be part of the issue of not working, on top of every job i have had even the basic ones i have lost, the fact that i cant do simply things because i know how to do it but my body does it different.
The fact that i do not cope well under pressure and forget things a lot, and panic,
but if your doing all this sport, surely you have no issue working as your physically fit?
again this comes down to the mental health, you cant expect someone to feel the same happyiness and aderlaine working in a supermarkets, serving customers etc to running around, having a laugh etc.
I have not just magically turned my life around in a day, its taken nearly 2 years of learning and battling.
for me that is just how i work, competition fuels me but when i am doing sport, nothing else matters, no bad feelings, no worries, my confidence is higher then its ever been, so i stick with it.
I have learned i can be 2 people not in the sense of a perosnality disorder but how i am as a person in different situations, even spelled that situations just got me a little angry as i knew how to spell it but it just was not coming to me (:
So for example, when i am playing tennis, the rush of happyiness means my aniexty goes, i can talk to people, i dont all big headed and over confident but i am able to have a laugh and relate to people.
with photography its the same i feel confident, i can make speeches, i can network with people.
However put me in front of a social meeting group, i got quite, i get anxious i often leave early even though i want to make friends, same with music events.
Sometimes i can stay and i feel happy and sometimes i think everyone is looking at me strange, even though i know they arent, i get all panicked if there are a lot of people near me, even if i am there to take photos and enjoy the music.
I have learned that so far, despite all the coping mechanisms and talking about it 90 percent of my depression is just random, i can be going for a walk, and then feel sad, which then i start thinking of bad things, which then can either lead to a bad few hours or a bad few days.
A month a go i had my worse 2 weeks in a row in a long while, where photography, sport, just made me feel worse, i got angry because i was not able to do or enjoy what i was doing which then made me feel more rubbish about my self, and it was a catch 22 problem.
I just try to take each day as it comes, i was a crap person, i had no self worth, i had no plans for a future, i acted like a kid, i had no friends.
But now i just try to keep improving my life and learning, thinking that i have come along way,
I have not tried to force myself to be with someone else because, got simple i was not ready,
As sad as it may seem, it had to go to court, for me to finally snap myself from wherever i was to grow up, and be the person i am now, i am not perfect, i am not the best looking person in world,
i am not a mastermind, but with learning, i have grown up, i have stood up for myself, i have became stronger then i ever was, i am a lot wiser then i was, and although i do struggle to be an adult, the only thing i can keep doing is looking forward, and being true to who i am (:
My ex took one path to one live, and i took another, i have learned to now not worry about what and who my ex is with because i now have my own life to progress forward (:
There is possible a lot more i could of said and things that ill go ahh i forgot to put that,
I know a lot of you might be wondering why i have decided to write this?
the simple answer is i am who i am, i will always be open, i am not afarid anymore of what people think of me, i make enemies and i make friends, that life, you cant aim to please everyone as its not possible, but what you can do is hopefully make people understand a little better, at the person you are, and that through the dark times, there is always light, hope and a path in life where things are better, you just have to find it, hold onto it and let it grow into the new strong person you are today (:
Thanks for reading !!!
