That is right its time to get more of my chest about my life !!!
Like i said on the last one, to me even if this reaches just one person who understands and can help or even what i somehow say in this helps someone then its all good, i just like being able to be open, maybe i am to open that people do not want to hear or care but oh well that is life (:
So since i wrote the last ramblings a lot has changed in my life and some things are the same.
Lets start off with the positive things shall we (:
One of the things i have been working so hard on is getting faster, getting more stamina and stronger, in fact it will be a year in just over a week since i joined a gym, and i shall be writing a blog post about that fairly soon so keep a eye on it !!!
doing so much physical actives has really open many doors in my life, and since the break up with my ex at the start of 2016, i feel that i have become a much better person.
I often find myself sometimes a lost of a way to explain things which means i may often say examples of something i have watched in order to get a point across.
I used to be told i was being stupid but hey if that is how i best explain things then i will keep doing it silly or not (:
In the last week i have been super hooked on the flash, the modern take of it.
in fact the last few days i finished all of season 2... whoops (:
In that it kind of gave me even more new found strength and hidden messages that again hit my brain and made me think about my own life.
No matter how much i wish i could change the events that happened in my life, that often makes me think of the past makes me upset, it is that what makes me want to get faster and stronger.
Yes i miss the love of my life, if it was not for the case of being together for nearly 5 years then i would of got over it quicker but i choose to throw my life away and i live with that everyday knowing so.
That said, everything happens for a reason, its made me open my eyes in the world around us, its made me understand about myself, my issues my problems, where i need to improve and to build my life from having nothing to have things that i can call my own, my own actions.
I may have been in love, but that seemed to be all my life was all about, i had no friends, i was not apart of a community, and i was not physically fit, i let my life slip away because love was everything to me.
So yeah to maybe a lot of people i am just a weirdo, a creep etc, sitting around in places using internet, looking awarked, i may seem like a mad man from the way i act or the things i post about, but that is me and i would not change myself for anyone.
It has been such a bizarre path in life that seems to be getting more crazier in good ways and bad.
From going down the route of wanting to start a business up which i never had plans for in my life, to it not going the way i wanted it to.
To feeling so depressed in 2016 i would just go for walks taking photography and learning.
then that one moment in life i decide to put my skills to the test and help a local cause around town, kick started my life in so many directions.
So that is what i have been doing with more and more paths opening in my life.
I got the chance to network with a local music artist, on a wonderful day out, I have always dreamed meeting famous people, and never knew we had that in Grantham, its like i do what i do because i love being creative while helping out, i do not do anything special like a lot of photographers, video makers in the area and yet people have believed in me and given me chances in life i could only dream off.
Over the past 3 weeks i have had no major mental health problems.
there have been some events that have gone off like having a camera knocked out of my hand, which put me in a very depressed and anixous mood, i even had to get my friend to give me a lift to a shop to get some shopping that i was going to do later in the day anyway because, i was to shook up to leave the house.
I just put it past me as i knew i would be helping a local artist in the next day (:
I do not know why i have felt happy, i guess because of the good times that has been there.
Like working out with my friends at the gym has made me more happy, playing more tennis again has left me feeling good.
yet i do all those week by week anyway, i guess i cant complain lol.
Even the other night i had a very different experience at a local social meet i go to.
I dont know why but whenever there is a group of people even if its around 8 people, i never seem to be part of it, i say hi and a few other things but that is about it.
Whenever i am there though i seem to find that 1 person i can connect with, and spend most of the time talking to them and no one else.
Again i guess this is never a bad thing, some people are naturals at group talking and others find one person who they get on with.
It was a good night because like i have explained in so many post is we talked about mental health and counseling.
That this person i believe works with children with mental health problems but has also done work with adults as well.
I just talked like i had known that person for months, fully open, not just talking about mental health but my life, it was great that someone could understand what i was going through and could relate.
Saying that aniexty is something that can not really be seen, we all often wear a layer under us, we try to be confident because we do not want others putting us down, or sometimes not wanting to put what we are going through on others, not wanting to get help because of being scared to.
The outcome of the talk meant she has refereed me onto someone she knows who does consulting, working with people on many different issues in their life.
Since i am still waiting to be seen by the mental health services after waiting over 6 months since my last visit .
I am hoping that this will then open doors as i explained to the women who has refeered me that as well as my issues, i have exhausted all opitions in terms of getting help, with my dysprixa and dyslexic.
Which leads me onto what bad thoughts i am thinking off for my future.
I explained to the women about my housing suitation as well that i am still in a circle of temp housing, and i am worried that i will not have money to even go back into shared housing due to now making a life for myself.
in 2016 i had no gym membership, no tennis membership, no princess trust loan i am still paying back now, and of course no proper worries about internet.
so of course i could afford paying that more rent because i had no proper outgoings with being in the house 6 out of 7 days
I slowly started to bulid a life for myself but like with anything in life which i tried to not go by this for so long but then realised i was lieing to myself, which is money is key to do what you want in life.
Money is a huge factor in my life, because of what my hobbies are.
Anyone will know that if your hobby is anything media wise there is a price tag for it.
On top of that with my depression and aniexty my life sadly is my computer, my camera etc.
without them i would be lost, my life would mean nothing.
so when people say put money aside to secure a permanent place i can never do.
I have 30 pounds a month left after all bills have gone out.
When i say i have 64gb of internet to use and use it all people may go how????
Well for one i have no TV, and with no being social which again is never free even though people say talking is yet, but going for a meal out, even a drink is still a cost that people do not factor for.
For me when i am not out and about, doing physically sport, i want to relax and watch tv, so i pay for Netflix which means that uses data to stream the show.
on top of that people do not understand how much data uploading photography on a regular basis takes up.
prime example each photo i upload is around 30mb and on a typical month i upload over 200.
that is without factoring in having to upload on multiple social platforms of the same images.
so why do you not use public wifi ????
Cost is why !!!!
Nothing is ever free, we have a library with free wifi which is cool yes but not when you want to upload things, with a photo taking 10 mins to upload just one photo??? i am not joking.
which then the rest of the options cost, going to a pub to get a drink, wrong answer, most pubs connect to the cloud which is just as slow as library, if you find a pub that does not use the cloud, again it is normally slow, fast for browsing not for uploading, this is of course not counting for downloading shows on netfliex to watch at home when my data is running low.
One place i use to sit which was free wifi and really fast, has now slowed down to a snail or you can pay like on a train for faster speeds.
Why do you have a limited data device ???
Because i am in temp housing i am not allowed to install internet, so the only other way is to by a portable internet device and use it as a tether to my computer.
So you can imagine on a day out doing photography and video, and the video takes over 2 hours to upload, on a really good speed, how much it can cost with buying 2-3 drinks a week just to use internet.
which of course causes me worrys about securing a home, because either way i lose.
i do all i do because it fights the depression, even what i do the depression comes and goes but doing what i love just makes it that little easier.
what is the point having a roof under my head, if i have to stop going to the gym, stop helping my local community, with media because then that will just make me back to how i was, and i would not leave the house again.
it also worrys me that i got the money from the princes trust to have what i have now, nothing lasts forever, and once my computer or camera stops working i could not do what i love doing anyway, with no way out all to fund to replace them.
That is why i try so hard to push myself to keep learning, improving so that even if its for a few years i can have great memories, instead of just living in a rut going round in circles.
I have been told by so many people not to worry about going forward in life but to focus on the here and now which i try to do a lot, i dont plan a lot of things, i just let each day comes and see how it goes. however when you can not get the help you need after battling for it for nearly 2 years it does worry you.
what also worrys me is not having the fight to come out of my comfort zone, i am trying so hard to try new things but again i find myself either leaving or just not bothering to go.
There has been open mic nights that even if i do not go to take part, it would be nice to see what talent there is but i just cant force myself to meet new people because its out of my comfort zone.
with being brought up on technology that is my down fall to life, to me after playing sport etc i would rather spend 3-4 hours watching shows, then going out and having a social life, sad i know.
Only now and then do i manage to force myself to go to things but there still is so much i am missing out on because of my own issues.
It worrys me that holding a camera or talking about what i love can make me the most confident person ever, but take that away, and i go into a bubble, i become shy, anixous, i back away from things. i have become stronger physically but i feel in some parts i have become a lot weaker mentally.
Yes i am now able to do more things and i am more stable mentally on more days but again in my own mind due to my actions i also feel, i am losing the ability to be myself around others.
When i was with my ex, i never really worried about people around me because my attention was on her, her family, what we was doing at the time etc.
Now that i have had to bulid my life up for the first time being on my own from a point of having no friends and family i did not want to talk, i have had to learn the skills needed to cope.
It amazes me how much strength i really have inside me till needing to be unlocked, i have already shown how much i can pour myself into playing tennis, into running, the gym, i have shown that depsite being super active, while i was at school and college, how much more active and stronger i am now then i was back then.
I just wish so to speak i did not need a push or someone to hold my hand in order to take steps out of my comfort zone, i which that events that are free, like the open mic, and other things around Grantham, i could just stroll in and enjoy the night , but i do not see that ever being me, i am a nerd, i love tv shows, i love being creative, i love what i do to much to tear myself away.
I guess in a lot of ways, i look for praise because i never really had it growing up. not that i have shut my family out for very good reasons, i have my friends to believe in me, which again until this year i never had.
I always push myself sometimes a little to hard because i want to prove to all the people that picked on me in my life, who looked down on me, who think i am stupid that i am not, i may to things differently, a lot slower, but it works.
A prime example is tennis, i must have one of the most strangiest playing styles ever, which i keep trying to improve on, because it works for me, as soon as i try to things the normal ish way i cant play.
Again i think this is down to the way things do not communite from my brain to my body, that over time i just got used to, trained it and adapted my own way of doing things.
Weather its tennis, pool, gym, golf, or bowling i have never done things the way they should but i guess that makes me the person i am and should embrace it (:
Overall i look at my new life, and ok i have achieved a lot from a bad break up, from a point that it took me 7 months to snap myself out of not wanting to live to the person i am now.
All i see is not trying hard enough, its frustrating when you create a project in this case a video for an event, you have so many cool creative ideas, and then you get to the editing software and you spend more time researching how to do and getting angry because, A, your having a lot of problems doing it and B, you know you need to get it edited Asap because the longer it takes for people to see, the less interest it will get.
if you been to a event the last thing you want is for the video of the day to be put up 2 weeks even more later, so as much as you would like to spend lots of time with different cools ideas, sometimes the basic has to do.
I see that although i cover events, it only seems to be once in a while not because there is nothing to cover, but because i am not creating a networking basis outside of social media.
i see that on days where i am depressed, nothing i do gets me out of it, which means i go to my covers and just binge watch show, instead of doing something to help my community out, or better yet be social !!!!
In all honestly i wish so many things in my life were either fixed or helped, i wish i could go to a place to use internet fast without having to pay for it, yes i know that does not exisit lol
i wish that just for once i could catch a break, weather that is getting help with my learning difficulties or with my mental health, but most of all having the courage to start up conversations with people instead of always waiting for someone to say hi to me.
People can say to you, you just got to force yourself to do these things, but i have tried so many times, and i can honestly say that is not me and never will be, i do not have that drive, that confidence to, and i have tried to accept who i am and accept that although i wanting things in my life, i have to just wait for them or be happy with what i have.
So when people say talking about your problems is bad, or people may think you as a strange person and not want to talk to you, ??? they are right, but what you have to do is push the people away who do not believe in you, who choose to talk behind your back, who does not understand what you go through, and who would rather laugh at you for who you are because they think they are better then you !!!!!!!
find the people that matter to you, and keep finding more and more people and eventually you will bulid a network of people that can help you when you feel down to pick you back up again !!!
Thank you for reading yet another blog about my ramblings, i call it of a mad man, because i think thats what a lot of people think of me, or of those who suffer, and just want to express how they feel (:
The next blog post i promise will be a happy one and about my progress at the gym (:
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