This is possibly going to be the heart and soul of my life put into this blog and the longest blog ever.
I will try to not recap, a lot of what i have already mentioned about my life.
If i do mention stuff its extending on what has been said.
I mentioned in my last blog that i dont care how people think of me in life, and that is true i am sick of hiding away i am sick of pretending that things are ok, and i am sick of not being able to be myself because i have connected myself so much with what i do and branding.
I decided a short while a go to put myself on full show, a lot of people do not tell or show their private life, but i do because i would not want it any other way.
All my life i was laughed at looked down on, Because i have problems, because i dont fit into the society we live in.
I remember hanging out with so called friends at school and even in the first few months of college in Nottingham.
I was told in order to look the part, to be accepted and to get lots of girls, and yes that was there words, i needed to change my clothes, i needed to start wearing jeans.
Granted i were jeans now and then now, but back then and its still how i think today, i hated wearing them.
I wore the clothes that made me feel comfortable, not because they might make me pick up some girls, or improve my life, i dont go with fashion because i dont believe in it.
I look at the world and i think its sad that so many people spend hours wondering what to wear, letting models, fashion designers, people who are famous control there lives, without even having to say a word to them.
most of the smart clothes i have was gifted to me and i only wear them for a special occasion, which is again to look the part, as although i dont like fashion take over me, its drilled into everyones head, and that for me if i am going out for a meal etc i must look the part.
For the most part, i couldnt care less if i looked like a mess, if i am happy with how it feels then thats me sorted.
all my so called friends ever cared about was trying to change me, and make fun of me,
Some of them i finally got the courage not in person but over msn when it was a thing back then, to tell them to basically go away, and told them i was sick of how they treated me.
What did i get for this, a printed picture of me with nasty words, stuck to the front door of the house.
with everything in my life going off this did not help and it put me in my own bubble where i would not show who i am, because how would i know people would not look down at me and use me again.
all my life until the last year i have always had to look up to someone because i was never understood and never listened to, if i lost a job, i was talked down like a kid, being told off, instead of understanding why i did and even though i was doing everything i could to get one, it just was not good enough for them.
My younger life was stuck in my bedroom all day playing video games, and when i tried to bond with my dad over them, i was yelled out for being stupid.
Put the same game on by myself upstairs eg, a racing game i would be doing great, put it on downstairs with my dad and every time i crashed, my dad would be like are you stupid cant you see the car infront of you, which then caused me to worry and stress and not focus crashing more and the cycle goes on.
If i ever did anything wrong at school, which we all have so dont you shake your heads saying you was a perfect kid lol.
I would come home to be yelled out, i would say 90 percent of getting detentions was because of how the atomsphere was at home.
I hated going home, and would often just kick a football around or hang out with so called friend even if they made fun of me it was still better then being home.
After moving out from my dad to live with just my mum things got better and worse.
I went to college to study music Technology passed the first diploma but just hated doing the national, it was not what i expected it to be, it was to hard and i was not enjoying it, so i failed the course.
I managed to find myself a Gf, got kicked out from living with my mum, over saying i could not pay the board this week, due to already paying for my own internet, phone, a bit towards food, and of course money to see my gf, i was only on job seekers for a single person which back then 6 years a go was less.
She took it the ultra wrong way, and deiced since i said only once that i could not pay, to kick me out.
I was left homeless with hardly any money, Travelling back and forth from Nottingham to Grantham to sort something out, which eventually i got a few shared houses for 8 months and then decided to move to Grantham.
At the time, i was in the shared house, i was really struggling as i was not used to living on my own and coping for myself,
My Gf could only see me at the weekends, which if it was not for seeing her i dont know what i would of done.
I was taught a lot of basic things when i was at home like cooking etc, but because i know have fount out i suffer from a form of dysprixa it meant and means to this day i struggle with the simple things.
like cooking, tieing, even doing stretches.
I know what i am doing i arent dumb but my body does it differently to what i know how to do.
so of course i struggled a lot, and when i moved to be with my partner i did depend on her a lot.
when i moved to Grantham, i had no idea what i wanted to do in life, the main focus was to get a job so i could help with buying shopping, etc as we was together and i needed to pull my own weight.
The first few months we lived together i was not a nice person, i was snappy i hated spending a lot of time together.
I think because all my life i used to just shut myself away i got used to the idea of my own zone my own free time.
over the time we was together that changed, and loved spending so much time with her, that it has the opposite effort and now i look back i do know i was to needy.
I stopped doing most forms of physical active, i struggled to walk for even a hour, to say when i was in Nottingham, i did 3-4 sports 3-4 hours a day.
We broke up after being together for nearly 5 years, because of my own stupid actions.
so i was back to being on my own but this time, not even having friends, family or anyone to be there for me.
The first 6 months was like hell, and i really did not want to live.
From august, it was like a glow inside me just woke up and suddenly i knew what i wanted in life, and that i wanted to change as person.
I worked on getting fitter first, managing my food, so that it made me less ill and i had more strength to get on with the day.
Since then my will power has kept me going through the bad times, the reason why i do so much, from photography, videos, blogging, music, marketing, sports etc.
is so my mind does not go back to where it was.
The reason why i try to help out so much in my local community, it because people have helped me so much, its because Grantham to be is a place which is just right for me.
Shops within walking distance, the best pool place in town which is hunters bar of course, the amazing tennis club, the feel good fitness gym, and many other reasons why i love Grantham so much.
Ok, ok its not big and the town does need a lot of work, but we have the community spirit, and its the wonderful people of Grantham that make me feel better and its why i stay in Grantham.
I still do struggle a lot in life, and just because i do so much stuff, does not mean i am ok.
I only have the drive to do these things because its what i love doing, and ever since switching the idea off, of running my own business it makes it so much easier and more enjoyable to still set out what i wanted to do but as a hobby instead.
To be honest most of what i do is internet based, and can be the most frustrating part.
I love my computer, my camera etc because its talent, its what i am good at.
I honestly dont think some people know how much time and effort photography and videos take.
Not to mention for myself i dont have proper internet due to being in support housing, and the company who owns the places cant allow you to have internet fitted.
So even 1 photo i edit takes up 20mb of mobile data which i use to my computer in order to use the internet, and that of course costs just as much as having proper internet, where you dont have to worry many photos your uploading, or how many videos your posting.
For me i have to use public wifi which sometimes costs in the from of a drink just to use it.
so some days i am sat in a pub etc 1-2 times a day.
In fact internet is a strong talked about subject in supported housing.
The people who live in them inc myself say even if its 5 pounds per week etc we should be allowed it.
Although it may cause problems like deperession to get worse, not leaving the house, in orders even watching a tv show, etc helps them get through the day.
I know myself without the internet to be able to help the community and then relax and watch stuff i would not be able to cope.
I used to have the almost perfect life, until i let it slide away, but in doing so i opened up to who i was i started discovering who i was.
I started being able to be myself, and learned to cope better by myself.
i went from not being able to hardly walk, to going on long adventures to take photography,
i went back to playing sports i love when i was at school.
I aimed to keep driving forward, pushing myself harder and harder, to achieve great things.
Not for anybody, but for myself knowing that, i have self belief, i dont know to here how well i have done or rubbish i have done from my parents because i dont talk to them.
I look up to a lot of people in Grantham that really helps push me and motivate me even more.
The other day in the running club, i had a different run leader, i was sad, and the first session i lost all motivation, as well as a few other people who could not turn up to the session.
The next session, was pretty much in the same but this time in blazing heat.
You know what i managed to do almost as good, so what changed?
well i got talking to the run leader more,
he would fall back to the back of the group to make sure others were ok, then run to the front, and everytime he did that i got more and more strength, just seeing him, run fast, in front of me made me want to be just as good.
Good thoughts can only lead to better things and that is what happends when running, i was down and depleted but just thinking if he can do i can, suddenly it was like i was back to full power.
That is what i do in life, i look up to people which drives my confidence, weather thats in making music, writing blogs or doing sports, its the community online and offline that keeps me going.
without that i would let my own thoughts take over and i would be depressed all the time, not wanting to leave my room or do anything.
I have lots of good days and lots of bad, i have days where, i crawl downstairs after hours of beening hungry, saying to myself, get up and put something on and i have no strength to move my body.
One of the things i find even harder at the moment with all the physical sport i do is cooking even more.
I moved a few months a go, and i have about 4 flights of stairs to go up and down.
That may not sound so bad, but if you have done 4 hours of tennis or even a hour of intense running, your body just shuts down.
I hate having shop brought things, but that seems to be all i have most of the time.
Reason being is you cant carry everything you need to make a meal, all in one go,
so if i am cooking a meal where i need meat, veg, gravy, butter, etc i need to make more then one trip.
For me in life, no matter how much i have been told, i have always been the same, its either full effort or no effort.
With my drive to do bettter and better with the running and tennis becomes the the higher risk of doing damage to myself.
I already had my first well i wouldnt say major but it was to me a major leg pain,
where standing on my leg, hurt, i had to miss 2 weeks or running and tennis because of it.
I come home most days, my legs hurting so much i want to cry.
Why do i put myself through all that?
I just love being active and playing sports, the more i love something the harder i try.
so most days, i cant even move afterwards let alone go down to cook.
I think the hardest part of my day to day life, is not having someone there to help, its ok getting someone to show you how to do something or even help you once.
However i can admit i am useless at most simple things.
My brain is only ever good at 2 things, being creative and playing sports lol
Again i am not trying to crave attention merely wanting to let people know that mental health is not a great thing, and that i may seem happy, and helping out a lot but when i am by myself, i feel empty.
I dont wake up thinking today is going to be good, or even plan what i am going to do because i know it might not go like that.
I wake up i see if i can move if i can i get something to eat, i decide what i am going to do, do it and then see where the rest of the day goes.
My depression can even hit when i am really happy, so i know if i was to plan to do things, i would only feel more depressed.
I also often feel, like i am living in a circle and having a mid life crisis where, even doing all i do is not enough things to do, or even days where i am sick of doing the same things everyday,
I am a explorer but when you have hardly any money, there is only so much you can do and so much you can explore.
Honestly i love writing, it feels like the real me, when i do, and i could go on and moan forever about things but for now i think i have managed to go into a little more detail and hope i havent repeated myself to many times.
To loads who have read this blog, think what you want of me good or bad, i gave up trying to act how people want me to a long time a go, i am happy being me and the people who dont like me well, just keeping doing that, you may drag me down for a small time but i have proven time and time again that i can bounce back 100 times stronger every time !!!!
Life is always a self discovery, and nothing should ever stop you from doing that, if your with someone then you learn to work around things and you never give up your dreams, hobbies etc for anyone,
you just learn to support each other, and you will find your much stronger in doing that (:
Thank you for reading (:
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