Before i really start this post i want to say that i do not care what people think of me, in the sense of bad comments, or people not understanding, i do not care if this has a negative impact in my life, i also do not care if people from my past read this, i have learned to be fully open knowing that i exposure myself to people giving my funny looks, laughing at me, and looking down at me.
but i would as i always say to people rather be who i am weather i am depressed werido that people hate then lie to myself, to who i am and to how i come across to people.
So let me tell you how it feels to live my life, how we as humans often feel, maybe this will open peoples eyes up to how mental health can impact people, how mental health is not something to be looked down on and how people with mental health are just normal human beings just wanting to be heard.
I urge if you have a bad comment, that you first research and double make sure what your reply is,
there is nothing worse then someone telling you to get over it and to grow up, when people who do have similar issues can understand you better and know its not as easy as a lot of people seem to think it is.
As i have mentioned in a lot of posts i suffer from depression and anxiety as well as other things that i wont go into to much detail since i have already done so before.
I will say that at the moment i feel like i am having a mid life crises.
To sum the last year up, after having counseling and talks with other people, i am no closer to progressing with my life.
The State of the NHS gets worse everyday and that sadly impacts services such as the mental health.
I was told at the start of 2017 that i could have a chance to be put forward for an assessment.
Not one to see what services i need like counselling etc but to see what my conditions were, any further help, stuff that can be put on paper, to be used for other services to improve my well being.
I was then told a week later after my session, sorry ive had a word with the team and we feel you dont meet our criteria.
so because one week i may score the lowest on your silly little score sheets and the next be very high does not mean i should not be accepted for help ?
The mental health services are next to nothing in Lincolnshire, i have been given so many god dam, websites for online health. maybe for some people that helps them more then speaking to a person but for me i need that interaction, and to be told after so many sessions that your time is up and if you want more help to re apply in 3 months time really does not make you feel better.
The past year over 5 months between services has been waiting time.
I have exhausted every resource, every link everyone gives me, and national links are a waste of time because again, if your not in a area with that support and the funding to back, then you will not be getting any help, just be told to go elsewhere 50+ miles away which you cant afford.
on top of all that which is the part some people will get angry at, not do their research or take the time to understand me, because as soon as people hear the words ESA, you get the folllowing from those who think mental health is a joke.
how dare you take benefits that your not supposed to have, how dare you say you can not work, no wonder the state of the uk is going downhill with people who claim not to be able to work, moan moan moan.....
well let me educate you on why i can not work and maybe you would understand why mental health needs more funding and to be took seriously.
first off i would like to mention that, i have a lot of drive, ambition, i want things in life, i want my life to change, and one day i want my own business.
so lets look at what is stopping me, and before anyone who does not understand depression goes we all get like that, on a odd day yes but not as much as i do and a lot of people who suffer from this.
over the past 6 years i have had 4-5 jobs i think, and everyone i have lost, not because i did not like the job, nor the fact that i could not be bothered.
I put my heart into every job i had because i had a partner i wanted to support,
but even though my depression was not as bad when i was with this person because she kept me strong.
I always had my own wobbles, the lack of motivation, feeling low and crap about myself.
true fact is some people think depression is just a mind thing but it always impacts your body.
your brain shuts down the most important parts in your body to get over it.
so there are times where it takes all you have got just to get up and get something to eat.
sometimes walking to the shop takes you a hour to get the strength to and you feel all you wanna do is sit inside all day.
well thats how it felt at work, on top of the fact i always struggled to remember the most important bits of my job and having poor hand coordination skills.
through school i was always bullied always looked down upon because of how stupid i was.
because i could not tie laces big whoop. haha your 25 and you still cant tie lets all act like kids and laugh at him.
well this kid you want to pick on wishes he could be normally but sadly that is not the case, this kid you want to pick on, has some form of dysprixa which means i am not dumb i know how to tie a lace, how to peel but my hands go all stupid, and do the opposite.
even my parents got angry at me, and misunderstood me instead of understanding i might have a learning disability, i got told i was stupid, and that at my age i should be able to tie laces etc.
so you can see where my past depression comes from and i would say some of it today still comes from that.
i was told by my housing support worker, to apply for esa, because of these issues, because the fact that without being cocky, i have a creative mind, i am not dumb, i know a lot of things, i am also wise for my age because i have learned to cope by myself, and see the world for what it is.
i could not start my own business up because even doing things i love like photography and videos, there are days where, i feel low , upset, angry, i know i have to do things but i often have so little engry that it just gets pushed to one side, i have lots of creative ideas for my music, my own videos on my own channel where i talk about things but again, i can not get my ideas to reality because of my problems, which is exhausting and frustrating.
I have to try double the amount just to get the same results as some people because i either have no drive or a lot, there is no pacing no middle ground.
a lot of people have told me i need to a lot of people have told me to write a plan for the week etc but again when the depression hits that plan goes out the window, which leaves me with a pile of things all at once.
So yes i applied for esa, but i am now back on to jsa, because the doctor would not give me as the government call it a sick note, which my housing support worker was shocked and confused because although its been a year of battling to see if i needed meds i was not given anything until this week which was anti depressants.
many mixed reviews from so many people with depression about using this form of mediation.
some have really bad affects of feeling more low, well you get the picture.
the support worker said, that i have no idea how i will feel if i will be better or worse so could not understand why a sick note was not given.
TBH i am unsure myself about the tablets, i want to become better, because i do not want to be like this, but at the same time i fear what will happen.
the next question someone might ask me is but your really active and seem so happy, doing running, gym and tennis surely you dont have depression.
i can tell you a lot of morning i feel like i do not want to go even though they are my most happy places on earth.
I can tell you that some days i go with no drive at all, and end up feeling worse by going.
i can tell you that because my demons always fight back i have to push even harder which means, i end up hurting myself, sometimes feeling more low when i started, depression is a very extinguishing thing.
The first few weeks i started tennis which was the first place to make me happy, it was a hard thing to be around people but playing something i love meant that i was not focused on what people were thinking, or being close to people i just pushed it back and enjoyed the tennis.
this year is the only year i have started to take partly control over my aniexty and fears and to come out of my comfort zone but that does not mean my aniexty is cured i still have those bad days where i choose to walk away.
the Dysprixa also has affected the activities i do. such as gym, being shown over and over how to do something, watching very sharply taking everything in, psying myself up.
Then my hands and body goes nope you do it this way, brain goes no thats now how you was shown but it still does not listen which means i have to find new ways of doing the same thing.
Tennis is another factor, its already a close carefully hand coordination and watching skill, that people will make mistakes making the wrong move, but with me i know what shot i want to play and then my hands get all muddled up and then i get frustrated.
Because i know what i am doing, my body just does not want to communite with my brain at all.
I feel my life is one big circle in the fact that i want help, but every time i try to i just end up back at square one, i dont have the money to go on a day out, or to even take photography, i dont have money to buy things i want, and sometimes that little money i do save has to go on re buying things such as trainers for the sports i do, a electric razor because i have haemphilla, cant spell it, etc.
I feel like i am trapped, even though in a way i am in a much better situation then i was at the start of 2016 in my ways nothing has really changed.
I have learned to get over my past, and move on although i know some things in my past i never want back, i know like with all of us some things we do.
The mistakes in life to be undo, but then we stop and think, yes sometimes are lives may not have changed but in others is has.
for me i needed to experience what i did even if it was the worse thing ever to come out better, wiser and knowing my mistakes and the steps not to make them again.
I understand that i keep myself to myself, i understand i am a computer nerd, but that is who i am, i like to help my community the only way i know how.
I also know that my chances of connecting with people, may suffer from what i have said in this blog but as i said at the start, that is me, rather speak the truth and be punished then hide who i am.
People from my past may laugh, may still want to pick on me, bully me etc but i can tell you i dont care, i may not have the greatest of lives, be rich, be famous but i dont need all that.
I am happy being me, knowing i have tried the hardest i can is all that matter to me.
Ok it might be nice if i could learn to not be shy, learn to try new things in life and maybe open more doors in my life, but as someone once said to me.
Take little steps, dont run before you learn to walk, enjoy the little thing in life, everything happends for a reason you may not know the reason, you may not like the reason, you may question every outcome, but the world has a plan for you as some day it will all make sense (:
so yes i am a messed up weirdo, yes i have mental health issues, but i accept who i am and i would never change that about myself !!! ok minus the depression etc.
a lesson to take away from this is to treat people with the same respect, just because as society tells you may have a learning problem etc does not mean you should be treated like you are nothing.
learn to never hold a grudge, life is to short for that and you will learn that grude will keep haunting you until you learn to let it go (:
this blog may have seemed like a rant to some, this blog may have seem to be a little selfish, but its how i feel, its what i wanted to say and its your choice if you liked what i had to say or not (:
thank you for reading !!!!!!!
https://www.facebook.com/dmpphotographyuk/
https://twitter.com/DanMediaPhttps://twitter.com/DMPWORLDMUSIC
https://twitter.com/DanielMVlogs
https://www.instagram.com/dmpadventures/
http://dannytheexplorer.tumblr.com/
http://dmpuk.weebly.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment