One of the main issues in my life, is my creative and my brain not stopping thinking about things that i feel the need to express myself via here and other sites.
The other day i decided to buy just a very simple note pad ,... why?
well I was brought up with technology i can write a very long blog post in about a hour, it does not hurt my hands writing and i much pefer using a computer.
I use devices to right ideas down and back things up, which sometimes get lost or get up being deleted.
When i was at college i used to love writing on paper, notes from my college courses and even stories.
I feel that we use technology to much, and sometimes you just need to tear yourself away from it and let your ideas flow, get some fresh air and just relax.
I would never say that i would go away from technology forever because it is who i am but i do want to start being able even if its a hour a day, write in my note pad, draw and then have something to look back that i had created.
as you can see from the picture i had no idea what went through my mind when i started drawing.
even a kid can draw better then me !!!!
This is again down to being so used to technology, The last 2 years of school, we had to pick 3 subjects that we wanted to study onto of our normal ones.
None of my choices were pick and i got dealt with Geography, Textiles and double art.
I had also put myself down once a week to do a college course type thing, to learn music Technology.
which was on the days of the double art which meant that on top of not liking art and not being able to draw even a simple house etc, I was miles behind on my work, and did not get a grade for Art.
This did not bother me and went on to further study music Technology.
So yeah sometimes when you have ideas and you cant draw they do not go the way you want to, and i even had to laugh at what i had created.
The first page was going to be like a hey here is my Intro to the book sort of thing.
I got ideas of the net of making the word Projects into different funny ideas which then looked a mess after.
I tired to join letter together to make it look cool, and then decided since it did not turn out the way i hope just to draw anything, really is just a mess to be honest lol, but that is about of me and my life.
Often people will discard something they have done because of fear of being laughed at or it being horrible i say, to heck what people think, its a page in your chapter of life, something to be proud of and something you know you can laugh about as well (:
so far i have only written a tiny bit on one page that was meant to be talking about how a day went but i need to learn to get used to writing with a pen again (:
This weekend what has just gone really got me thinking about the true me just wishing could be there all the time.
My friends invited me to go out Drinking something i hardly ever do because its not me, the only time i will ever have a drink is on special occasions or at Christmas.
Whenever i do drink its been at home and never out and about in town.
over the last year that has changed as i have been on a few nights out, and been able to draw the real me out.
one of many reasons why i also not go out, with mates is the fact of my anxiety, my chest becomes tight and i wouldnt say i feel scared but i feel not right being there, i dont know how to act or what to say, i become like a stick figure, while mates are chatting to each other i am just sat or standing there looking around or down at my phone, they try to get me involved but again i do not talk much.
Its also a confidence issue one that has been damaged so much due to my past.
So when the night comes where i decide to drink, its amazing and a experience i could have more often.
Not for the getting drunk but being able to be who i want to be in that moment instead of holding it back.
last weekend, was one of the staffs birthdays at the gym i go to, we all talked between us on how to surprise a little get together, for drinks in town.
I dressed for the occasion and as me and my friends approached the place i suddenly felt overwhelmed how busy it was but also how many people i knew from the gym that was there.
I froze and not sure how to act, even more so when hugs was involved i bunched up and felt really shy.
Now for someone who can deliver businesses pitches and go on radio, says a lot about my day to day real life interactions with people when its just a get together.
The best music ever was going off, stuff that i like to dance to at home, when listing to music, jump up and down and be myself.
I had a few drinks, and watched people dancing, the more i watched the more i wanted to just shove my body into where everyone was and start dancing but again, i could not get my brain to get over the fear.
That said as the night went on, i started to become less worried, and more in the zone and listing to the beats of the music, ( when really i was totally drunk haha )
A couple of people started dancing with me and it felt great just letting my hair down and living the moment, i only remember these events half way through the next day and there will always be moments that you cant remember either (:
That is the feeling i want everyday, to be confident because i know i can be.
sometimes my brain lives to much in a very fantasy world, that when its in reality it does not like it.
Something i never thought i would say or the fact of believing is i suppose I expect people to talk to me, to make the first move so to speak.
Many times when playing pool, or just sat in a pub i have wanted to start up a chat with someone but choice to not go down that path.
I always seem to need a kick in that direction, meaning someone to start the convo off before i am able to at least be a little like myself and feel more relaxed.
Its a circle that is always getting worse at the moment that i want to be social and make friends, yet i find it increasingly harder every day to be confident, i choose to shut myself in my room and write this blogs for example because this to me is my fantasy world a place where i dont have to think what people think of me, how i look etc i can just say what i want so to speak.
If only the love and passion i put into things like photography and helping the community via again technology based things could cross over into the normal day to day me !!!
I have come to realise that other then getting drunk, to bring myself out, sport is one of those ways to,
Its the pleasure side of my brain that i crave all the time.
If i am super happy, playing tennis, running or even pool that i am not finding off the enivorment around me, just the moment that is happening then i feel fine, and again comfy.
I think that is one of many reasons why i had being stuck in my room, and why i end up in body pain most days because of over doing it with physically activities.
For example i can have 4 hours of tennis, come home feeling happy because i enjoyed it but also wanting to cry because i am in pain so much, because i have to give it everything i have got in order to be happy.
If i am not trying 100 percent and the things i love, that feeling of something not quite right creeps in, which then gets me finding off bad things.
After resting on the day i did 4 hours of tennis, all i wanted to do was watch tv all day, but all the time i was my brain, or body i do not know which was still wanting to work out and do something.
After sitting looking at the walls for many mins, i gave in and went to a a gym class, which again i enjoyed but again i had to push through that pain barrier resulting in waking up the next day, hardly being able to move, and feeling very low and upset, again the circle of my life.
When i am doing these things i feel alive, i feel happy and i feel myself, that i suppose i try to cling onto those moments the longest i can before i enter my sad depression state.
Why can i not be the person i am, that all comes down to the lack of support where i live from the NHS and the mental health services a year and a half after trying to fix a least a part of me i am no closer to getting any answers or assesments.
It gets that bad that the people you hang around with who know you more then these services start to put together their own thoughts on i may have wrong with me and things that might help.
The other day when playing tennis i had a good talk with someone who said that i might be BI polor.
which i think in some ways i might just be, most people when they feel down and normally get over it or know the cause of why they feel that way.
For me out of nowhere of feeling happy, i can into a circle of feeling so low i start to feel upset just for no reason, and nothing i do, which btw i have tried a exuashing lists of things will not snap me out of it.
The only thing that does is to let it take its course, weather that be a hour or a day, and then hope the next day wont be the same.
One of the things that makes peoples confidence levels so low is the fact that some people still choose to look down or not even talk to those who have these issues.
when all we are trying to do is live our lives just like everyone else !!!
I talked to someone ages a go who blocked me because i defended myself on a topic of mental health.
I was explaining about how everyone at some point in there life will suffer from mental health, which is a lot of thing, from depression, aniexty etc not just depression which mental health seems to have a bad stigma for pointing the condition on.
You cant see yourself how your going to be in the future, if you did not have a bad day in your whole life, where you felt a bit low, upset, aniexty etc then you are not human.
This person said well i dont see myself ever having a issue, and think that you need to get over it and try more.
my reply was, before you look down on others and give them advice that you can not give, how about you eduate yourself on the topic first (:
which is the truth if anyone ever says to you, oh just get over it, or something that you know is just patronising then get rid of that person from your life, block them, do not speak to them etc.
you dont need people who are going to undermine you and treat you like your a monster with a illness.
instead do what i have done bulid a community of people that do understand and are there to listen and help.
it wont solve the issue but on some days that you feel bad, at least you have a chance of feeling better (:
When i look at my life now to what it was a year a go, i have come a long way, and changed the person i was so much.
In other way i see myself going backwards, i feel less confident to talk to others then i did 6 months a go, and i feel the more days i can not get help the more days i do now know who i am and what i am suppose to do in life.
when i look in a mirror i see so much potential in myself that others can also see and have even said to me as well.
yet my lack of confidence among other things is my downfall, to doing what i want in life.
some people have called me a dark horse, in the fact that people are shocked at the things i can do, when i really put my mind to it, like making videos etc.
I know inside there are so many things i have not yet telled people or shown because again the lack of fear, etc.
I have proven to myself and people that i am a strong person, and that i can almost live by myself, because i am capable of being independent.
However there are a lot of days again when i feel low and do not want to do anything that the house becomes a mess, my life becomes a mess, and days where the walls seem to ever get smaller.
I walk around town seeing mates laugh with each other, going on days out to watch a football match, mates having a meal catching up, and just enjoying themselfs.
wishing i could have that if only i could drag myself away from a computer tune my brain to be the person i am when talking online.
Another topic which i defended myself again was about being in a relationship with someone who has as society puts is mental health issues, slapping a tittle on a person.
Saying that a lot of people tend to avoid being with someone who has these issues due to it affecting their lives.
People who get on with someone so well, they really like them but have to turn them down because of this.
My opinion is this if you love someone that much you will learn to cope with them, you will bond and help each other grow, and go through the hard times.
most of the time being with someone can not necessary fix that person but it gives them a new meaning to there live.
it will make them try harder in life, they will feel more comfy safe and be able to be the person they want to be because that person listens to them and knows how to help.
Like i said above we all suffer at one point so saying to yourself oh i cant be seen with someone who feels down or upset well, i guess you will be putting a question online when you get dumped if you have a bad day and that person does that to you hey???
I seriously do think that before people judge someone who has problems, its best to sit down and talk understand them, then take your time to understand the topic of mental health, and that way that person who is dealing with something, suddenly you know they are a good person just struggles a little bit.
we are all unique people, who can do something that someone else cant, there are so many things to do in life, because we can all do different things, its time we start embracing that instead of looking down on those who cant do the same things as you.
Next week i am attending a meeting, about the welfare in Lincolnshire, looking at the course of the way the funding and the support is going to go over the next few years.
I have questions i am going to ask, and i will be filming it as well because its about time, something is done about how the mental health system works !!!
I will also keep helping people at tennis and in life who suffers from problems because i may not listen to my own advice but i like talking to people i like listening and helping.
its true that people with the same issues as you are bound to understand each other better then people who do not know you, and know how to come across.
I will keep pushing my body and doing the things i love because what more can i do, if it means hurting myself to feel happy even just for a hour then i will do it.
I only hope that one day, people can find this blog, and take something from it, that instead of being told to get over it, no!!! instead embrace who you are, find the people that will listen, and do what you love, not for someone else, not because you have to but because you want to (:
Thank you for reading this moan-e blog but again if i can help just one person feel a bit better i will, if i can feel better by writing this i will, and if i help people understand me better then i will keep trying to be more open, everyday !!!! (:
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